Psychology Jokes

Psychology Jokes



Top Ten Reasons Why Ice Cream Is Better Than Psychotherapy

10. Don't have to talk if you don't want to.

 9. No sexual advances.

 8. You probably won't fall in love either.

 7. You can enjoy with your friends.

 6. No long term committment.

 5. Immediate results.

 4. Your therapist won't care if you see another therapist.

 3. Has a label on the box, so you know exactly what help
    you're getting.

 2. Can get it on weekends.

 1. $3 a pint vs. $100 an hour.



  A guy walks into the psychiatrist's and says "Doctor, doctor, 
you've got to help me!  I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!"  
  The shrink says, "Sit over there and I'll deal with you later."



  The receptionist tells the doctor, "There is an invisible man in 
the waiting room."
  "Tell him I won't be able to see him today."



Why does the paranoid schizophrenic have such a rough time shaving?
He doesn't trust the crazy fucker that's holding the razor.



The good thing about being schizophrenic is that you're never alone.



  The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on 
emotional extremes.
  "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, 
"Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"
  "Sadness," said the student.
  "And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"
  "Elation."
  "And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?"
  "I believe that would be giddyup," Squiffy replied.



  A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers 
an important meeting.  Unfortunatly, his watch has stopped, and he 
cannot tell if he is late or not.  Then, he notices a patient similarly 
strolling about within the hospital fence.
  Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you 
have the time?"
  The patient calls back, "One moment!"  and throws himself upon the 
ground, pulling out a short stick as he does.  He pushes the stick 
into the ground, and, pulling out a carpeter's level, assures himelf 
that the stick is vertical.  With a compass, the patient locates north 
and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast 
by the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient 
calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back 
to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 2:37 PM, provided today 
is May the twenty-second, which I believe it is."
  The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets 
his watch accordingly.  Before he leaves, he says to the patient, 
"That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on 
a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"
  The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look 
at my watch."



  Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear 
tire suffers a flat.  While Jones is changing the tire, another car 
goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug 
nuts.  The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
  Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab 
when he hears a shout from behing the hospital fence, where one of 
the inmates has been watching the whole thing.
  "Hey, pal!  Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the 
other three wheels?  That'll hold your tires on until you can get 
to a garage or something."
  Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but 
realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without 
incident.  Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient.  "You 
know, that was pretty sharp thinking.  Why do they have you in there?"
  The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not 
because I'm stupid."



  Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, 
is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter 
society. 
  "So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see 
by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal.  Do you 
have any idea what you might do once you're released?"
  The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to 
school for mechanical engineering.  That's still a good field, good 
money there.  But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book 
about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a 
patient here.  People might be interested in reading a book like 
that.  In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study 
art history, which I've grown interested in lately."
  Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing
possibilities."
  The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I 
can go on being a teapot."



  The governor is touring a mental hospital, and becomes curious about 
a certain patient.  The patient is reclining on his bed, reading the 
Wall Street Journal, and is wearing nothing but a silk top hat. So the 
govornor knocks politely, whereupon the patient stands, makes a short 
bow from the waist, and says, "Sir, I perceive you are a man of
importance, and you must be curious as to why I lie here in the nude."
  "Well, yes," says the governor, "The question had crossed my mind."
  "It is no great mystery," says the patient.  "This room is climate
controlled and maintained at a constant and comfortable temperature, 
and is, for the most part, quite private.  Since clothing is therefore 
not needed for modesty, warmth, or adornment, why bother with it at all?"
  "I see," says the governor, taken aback by the patient's obvious
rationality.
  "But in that case, why the top hat?"
  The patient shrugs and says, "Oh, well, someone might drop by..."



  A psychologist is evaluating three new patients at a mental hospital. 
He asks the first one, "How much is two times two?" and the man replies,
"five thousand!"
  Without comment, he moves on to the next one and again asks, "How 
much is two times two?"
  The patient replies, "That would be Friday!"
  "How much is two times two?" he asked the third.
  "Four!" he replies. 
  "Excellent," the encouraged medic says, "Can you tell me how you 
arrived at that figure?"
  "Simple," the beaming fellow explained. "I just divided 5000 into
Friday!"



  Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same 
building.  One was 40 years old, the other over 70.  They rode on 
the elevator together at the end of an unbearable hot, sticky day.   
The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some 
resentment that his senior was fresh as a daisy.
  "I don't understand," he marveled, "how you can listen to drooling 
patients from morning till night on a day like this and still look 
so spry and unbothered when it's over."
  The older analyst said simply, "Who listens?"



  A patient goes to a psychiatrist for the first time and is given
some tests.  The psychiatrist draws a circle and says, "What does 
this make you think of?"
  "Sex."
  The psychiatrist draws a tree and repeats his question.
   "Sex," the patient answers again.
  The psychiatrist proceeds to draw simple figures of all sorts...a 
house, a car, an apple, and so on...each time getting the same response.  
Sex, sex, and sex.
  Finally the psychiatrist says, "You have an obsession with sex."
  The patient says, "Me?  You're the one who's drawing all those dirty 
pictures!"



  Mrs Jones was very worried about her husband, because he thought he 
was a horse.  She went to talk to the doctor by herself.
Doctor:  Mrs Jones, how are you doing?
Mrs Jones:  I am great, but my husband...he is not feeling well.
Doctor:  What is wrong with him?
Mrs Jones:  He thinks he is a horse.
Doctor:  Well, I think that is not so serious.  You do not have to 
         worry about that.  He is probably just a little stressed 
         out.  It will not last long, I promise you, Mrs Jones.
Mrs Jones:  Yeah, but he kicks chairs, eats grass, and does not 
            even sleep in a bed.  I think it is serious!
Doctor:  Well...in that case...I CAN HELP your husband, but I am 
         afraid it will cost quite a lot of money!
Mrs Jones:  Oh, thank you, doctor!  And about money...you do not 
            have to worry.  You see...last Sunday my husband won 
            the horse race!



Psychiatrist: "Well, what seems to be the problem?"
Man: "I think I'm a dog."
Psychiatrist: "Nonsense! Come and lie on the couch."
Man: "Oh no, I'm not allowed on the couch."

   

  Guy goes to a psychiatrist for consultation.  Doctor asked him to 
describe his problem.
  Guy says--"One day I go around thinking I'm a teepee, next day I 
go around thinking I'm a wigwam".
  Doctor says your problem is that you are too tense.   



Psychiatrist: "Well, what seems to be the problem?"
Man: "Its really my family, they sent me here."
Psychiatrist: "Why do you feel your family want you here?"
Man: "I suppose its because I like suasages."
Psychiatrist: "Well, there's nothing wrong with that, I like 
               sausages too!"
Man (manic): "Do you?! COME TO THE HOUSE! I'VE GOT THOUSANDS!"
   



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