Medical Jokes

Medical Jokes



What's the worst thing about getting a lung transplant?
Coughing up someone else's phlegm



   A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office.  Was it true, the 
woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed 
was for the rest of her life?  She was told that it was.
  There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm 
wondering, then, just how serious my condition is.  This prescription 
is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"



Q. What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
A. National Dyslexics Association. 



  A group of friends visited a Bar down South. They were all eating 
chicken wings, drinking and having a good time. One of the guys began 
to choke on a chicken bone and none of the other people at the table 
knew how to help.  They started to panic and called out for help. 
From the other side of the Bar a tall Texan stood up and in his finest 
Texan accent made his way through the crowd saying "Step aside, step 
aside, I'll handle this..."
  When the Texan reached the choking man he grabbed the man by the waist 
and ripped his pants down to the man's knees.  He licked the man's behind 
and at the same time the chicken bone shot across the bar and the choking 
man fell to the floor.
  The Texan stood up, faced the crowd, tucked his thumbs into his  
suspenders and said, "Sur'em glad I learned that hiney lick manuver."



  Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam
wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon.
  The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs!
Come back in four hours."
  So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster 
than I expected to. John is down at the local pub."
  Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts.
  A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg
off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the
surgeon.
  The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours."
  Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - 
John's down at the soccer field."
  Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals.
  A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off.
Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to
the surgeon.
  The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve 
hours."
  So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John 
died."
  Sam said, "I understand - heads are tough." 
  The surgeon said, "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in
that plastic bag!"



  A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have died and are
in line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter appears to speak with 
them and asks them what good they have done in their lives.
  The doctor said, "I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and 
have had a part in caring for and healing thousands of people."
    St. Peter said, "That's great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what 
about you?"
  The nurse answered, "I have supported the Doctor and his patients my 
entire life as an adult, etc..."
  St. Peter remarked, "Wonderful. Please proceed in with the Doctor.  
And what about you?"
  The HMO Executive stated, "I was the president of a very large Health
Maintenance Organization and was responsible for the healthcare of
millions of people all over the country."
  St. Peter told him, "Oh, I see.  Please go on in...but you can only 
stay 2 nights!



  The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camped in the desert. While taking a 
dump, the Lone Ranger gets bit in the ass by a rattlesnake.
  "Tonto!" the masked man shouts. "Ride to town and get a doctor! Quick!"
In town, Tonto finds the doctor delivering a baby. The doctor explains 
he can't leave the woman and tells Tonto he will have to suck the poison 
out of the snakebite or the Lone Ranger will die.
 Tonto races back to camp.
 "Kemo Sabe," he says sadly. "The doctor was busy and can't come."
 "Well," Lone Ranger replies anxiously, "did he tell you what to do? 
What did he say?"
 "Doctor say, 'Kemo Sabe going to die.'"



  An Italian lady's husband needs an operation, and she can't afford it. 
They tell her, "Mrs. Shivelli, we have a television show called "Medic." 
If you let us operate on your husband on t.v., you'll get the operation 
for free, plus we'll pay you."
  She says, "But I got-a no clothes to wear on-a the t.v."
  So they take her out and they buy her a few new dresses. On the big 
night, she gets made up and gets her hair done. She gets interviewed on 
the show before the operation and after the show they come backstage to 
see her.
  One of the doctors says, "Mrs. Shivelli, I'm very sorry, but your 
husband passed away during the operation."
  She says, "Atsa show biz."



  A guy's working at the lumber yard, pushing a tree through the buzz 
saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers.  He goes to 
the Emergency Room.  The doctor's says, "Yuk!  Well, give me the fingers,
and I'll see what I can do."
  The guy says, "I haven't got the fingers."
  The doctor says, "What do you mean, 'you haven't got the fingers'?  
It's 1999.  We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put them back on and made you like new.  Why didn't you bring
the fingers?"
  He says, "Well, heck, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."



A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

 2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
 1000 A.D. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
 1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
 1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
 1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
 2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial.  Here, eat this root!"



  A woman comes in for her doctors appointment.
  "What seems to be your problem?", asks the doctor.
  "Well, I've been having a flatulance problem for almost 2 weeks now,"
said the woman.  "I pass wind almost constantly, and I can't seem to 
control it. The only good thing is that they are odorless and silent.
In fact, I've been passing gas all the time we've been sitting here.
Is there anything you can do?"
  "Of course there is," replied the doctor. "first thing we're going 
to is check those sinuses, and then we going to get you a hearing test!"



  One day Alex complains to his friend:  "My elbow really hurts.  
I guess I should see a doctor."
  His friend offered, "Don't do that. .There's a computer at the 
drugstore that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your 
problem and tell you what you can do about it.  It only costs $10.00."
  Alex figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine 
sample and went to the drugstore.  Finding the computer, he poured in 
the sample and deposited the $10.  The computer started makeing some 
noises and various lights started flashing.  After a brief pause, out 
popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
  
  You have tennis elbow
  Soak your arm in warm water
  Avoid heavy labor
  It will be better in two weeks

  Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was 
and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if 
this machine could be fooled.  He decided to give it a try. He mixed 
together some tap water, a stool from his dog and urine samples from his 
wife and daughter.  To top it off  he masturbated into the concoction.  
He went back to the drugstore, located the machine, poured in the sample 
and deposited the $10.  The machine again made the usual noise and printed 
out the following analysis:

  Your tap water is too hard
  Get a water softener
  Your dog has worms
  Give him vitamins
  Your daughter is using cocaine
  Put her in a rehabilitation clinic
  Your wife is pregnant - twin girls
  They aren't yours
  Get a Lawyer
  And if you don't stop jerking off
  Your tennis elbow will never get better.



  A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. 
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his 
poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his 
migraines and STILL no improvement. 
  "Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm 
going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, 
but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have 
a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. 
Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, 
especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of 
the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, 
I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is 
immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six 
weeks." 
  Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took 
your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 
years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
  "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." 
  "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."


     
  A middle-aged woman was going through her change of life. The doctor
gave her the standard hormone pills.  After a few months of taking 
the pills, she called the doctor and told him that he should change her
prescription.  He replied that these were the most common brand and she
should give them more time.  She told him that if he did not change them
she would stop taking them altogether.
  "What's the problem?" he asked. 
  She said she was growing hair all over her chest.
  "How far down does it go?" he asked.
  "Right down to my testicles!"



  The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment 
of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance 
of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding 
attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. 
He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were 
too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be 
adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with 
his rest... and on, and on. 
  One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your 
temperature, General." 
  After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to 
accept the thermometer. 
  "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from 
the other end." 
  A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was 
insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.
  The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the 
orderly to proceed.
  The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't 
move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you", and left.  
  An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general 
with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?" 
  "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the 
general barked. 
  "Yes I have, General, but never with a daffodil?"



  A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that 
her husband is not a very good lover and asks what to do about it. 
The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might 
do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that 
night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.
  The next day the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that 
the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks 
her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and 
the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
  The next day the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the 
therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what 
would happen if she gave him five pills.
  The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
  The next day the woman comes in limp but happy and tells the therapist 
that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave 
her husband the rest of the bottle?
  The therapist says she doesn't know it's an experimental drug and she 
doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman 
leaves the therapist's office.
  Six months later, a boy walks into the therapists office and says, 
"Are you the doctor who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?"
  "Why,yes, young man, I did. Why?"
  "Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' 
in the corner going, 'Here, kitty, kitty,kitty..."




Murphy's Laws of EMS


  All emergency calls will wait until you begin to eat, regardless 
of the time. 
COROLLARY 1: Fewer accidents would occur if EMS personnel would never eat. 
COROLLARY 2: Always order food "to go".


  THE PARAMEDICAL LAWS OF TIME:
1.  There is absolutely no relationship between the time at which you are 
supposed to get off shift and the time at which you will get off shift. 
2.  Given the following equation:  T + 1 Minute = Relief Time, "T" will 
always be the time of the last call of your shift. 
E.g., If you are supposed to get off shift at 08:00, your last run will 
come in at 07:59. (Or if you have early relief coming in you will see you 
relief sitting at the first stop light from the station, waving!) 


  THE PARAMEDICAL LAW OF GRAVITY:
Any instrument, when dropped, will always come to rest in the least 
accessible place possible. 


  THE PARAMEDICAL LAW OF TIME AND DISTANCE:
The distance of the call from the Hospital increases as the time to shift 
change decreases. 
COROLLARY 1:  The shortest distance between the station and the scene is 
under construction. 


  THE PARAMEDICAL RULE OF RANDOM SYNCHRONICITY:
Emergency calls will randomly come in all at once.


  THE RULE OF RESPIRATORY ARREST:
All patients who are vomiting and must be intubated will have just 
completed a large meal of Barbecue and Onions, Garlic Pizza and Pickled 
Herring, all of which was washed down with at least three cans of Beer. 


  THE BASIC PRINCIPLE FOR DISPATCHERS:
Assume that all field personnel are idiots until their actions prove your 
assumption. 


  THE BASIC PRINCIPLE FOR FIELD PERSONNEL: 
Assume that all dispatchers are idiots until their actions prove your 
assumption. 


  THE AXIOM OF LATE-NIGHT RUNS: 
If you respond to any Motor Vehicle Accident call after Midnight and do 
not find a drunk on the scene, keep looking: somebody is still missing. 


  THE LAW OF OPTIONS:
Any patient, when given the option of either going to Jail or going to 
the Hospital by a Police Officer, will always be inside the Ambulance 
before you are. 
COROLLARY 1:  Any patient who chooses to go to Jail instead of the 
Hospital has probably been in your rig in the past. 


  THE FIRST RULE OF EQUIPMENT:
Any piece of Life-saving Equipment will never malfunction or fail until:
   a)You need it to save a life, 
or b)The salesman leaves. 


  THE SECOND RULE OF EQUIPMENT:
Interchangeable parts don't, leak proof seals will, and
self-starters won't. 


  THE FIRST LAW OF AMBULANCE OPERATION: 
No matter how fast you drive the Ambulance when responding to a call, 
it will never be fast enough, until you pass a Police Cruiser, at which 
point it will be entirely too fast. 
Unless you are responding to an "Officer Down" call then it is physically 
impossible to be travelling fast enough! 


  PARAMEDICAL RULES OF THE BATHROOM: 
If a call is received between 0500 and 0700, the location of the call 
will always be in a Bathroom. If you have just gone to the Bathroom, no 
call will be received.  If you have not just gone to the Bathroom, you 
will soon regret it.  The probability of receiving a run increases 
proportionally to the time elapsed since last going to the Bathroom. 


  BASIC ASSUMPTION ABOUT DISPATCHERS: 
Given the opportunity, any Dispatcher will be only too happy to tell you 
where to go, regardless of whether or not (s)he actually knows where that 
may be. 
 COROLLARY 1:  The existence or non-existence of any given location is of 
only minor importance to a Dispatcher 
COROLLARY 2:  Any street designated as a "Cross-street" by a Dispatcher 
probably isn't. 
COROLLARY 3:  If a street name CAN be mispronounced, a Dispatcher WILL 
mispronounce it. 
COROLLARY 4:  If a street name CANNOT be mispronounced, a Dispatcher WILL 
mispronounce it. 
COROLLARY 5:  A Dispatcher will always refer to a given location in the 
most obscure manner as possible.  E.g., "Stumpy Brown's Cabbage Field" is 
now covered by a shopping center. 


  THE FIRST PRINCIPLE OF TRIAGE: 
In any accident, the degree of injury suffered by a patient is inversely 
proportional to the amount and volume of agonized screaming produced by 
that patient. 


  THE GROSS INJURY RULE:
Any injury, the sight of which makes you want to puke, should immediately 
be covered by 4x4's and Kerlix. 


  THE FIRST LAW OF EMS SUPERVISORS: 
Given the equation: X - Y = Quality of Care where "X" is the care that you 
render and "Y" is the assistance supplied by any Supervisor.  If you can 
eliminate "Y" from the equation, the Quality of Care will improve by "X". 
COROLLARY 1:  Generally, Field Supervisors have no business in the Field. 
COROLLARY 2:  The level of technical competence is inversely proportional 
to the level of management. 
COROLLARY 3:  Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do 
not understand. 


  THE LAW OF PROTOCOL DIRECTIVES:
The simplest Protocol Directive will be worded in the most obscure and 
complicated manner possible.  Speeds, for example, will be expressed as 
"Furlongs per Fortnight" and flow rates as "Hogsheads per Hour". 
COROLLARY 1: If you don't understand it, it must be intuitively obvious. 
COROLLARY 2: If you can understand it, you probably don't.  


  THE LAW OF EMS EDUCATORS:
Those who can't do, teach. 


  THE LAW OF EMS EVALUATORS:
Those who can neither do nor teach, evaluate. 


  THE PARAMEDICAL LAW OF LIGHT:
As the seriousness of any given injury increases, the availability of 
light to examine that injury decreases.  


  THE PARAMEDICAL LAW OF SPACE:
The amount of space which is needed to work on a patient varies inversely 
with the amount of space which is available to work on that patient. 


  THE PARAMEDICAL THEORY OF RELATIVITY: 
The number of distraught and uncooperative relatives surrounding any given 
patient varies exponentially with the seriousness of the patient's illness 
or injury. 


  THE PARAMEDICAL THEORY OF WEIGHT: 
The weight of the patient that you are about to transport increases by 
the square of the sum of the number of floors which must be ascended to 
reach the patient plus the number of floors which must be descended while 
carrying the patient. 
COROLLARY 1:  Very heavy patients tend to gravitate toward locations which
are furthest from mean sea level.
COROLLARY 2:  If the patient is heavy, the elevator is broken, and the 
lights in the stairwell are out. 


  THE RULES OF NON-TRANSPORT:
1. A Life-or-Death situation will immediately be created by driving away 
from the home of patient who has just thrown you out of their house. 
2. The seriousness of this situation will increase as the date of your 
trial approaches. 
3. By the time your ex-patient reaches the witness stand, the Jury will 
wonder how patient in such terrible condition could have possibly walked 
to the door and greeted you with a large suitcase in each hand. 


  THE FIRST RULE OF BYSTANDERS:
Any bystander who offers you help will give you none.


  THE SECOND RULE OF BYSTANDERS: 
Always assume that any Physician found at the scene of an emergency is a 
Gynecologist, until proven otherwise. 
COROLLARY 1:  NEVER turn your back on a Proctologist. 


  THE RULE OF WARNING DEVICES:
Any Ambulance, whether it is responding to a call or traveling to a 
Hospital, with Lights and Siren, will be totally ignored by all motorists, 
pedestrians, and dogs which may be found in or near the roads along its 
route. 
COROLLARY 1:  Ambulance Sirens can cause acute and total, but transient, 
deafness. 
COROLLARY 2:  Ambulance Lights can cause acute and total, but transient, 
blindness. 
note:  This Rule does not apply in California, where all pedestrians and 
motorists are apparently oblivious to any and all traffic laws. 


  THE LAW OF SHOW-AND-TELL:
A virtually infinite number of wide-eyed and inquisitive school-aged 
children can climb into the back of any Ambulance and given the 
opportunity, invariably will. 
COROLLARY 1: No emergency run will come in until they are all inside 
the Ambulance and playing with the equipment. 
COROLLARY 2: It will take at least four times as long to get them all 
out as it took to get them in. 
COROLLARY 3: A vital piece of equipment will be missing. 


  THE RULE OF ROOKIES:
The true value of any rookie EMT, when expressed numerically, will always 
be a negative number. The value of this number may be found by simply 
having the rookie grade his or her ability on a scale from 1 to 10.  
For rookie EMT's medical skill: 
 1 = Certified Health Hazard, 10 = Jonny or Roy. 
For rookie EMT's behind the wheel: 
 1 = Obstruction to Navigation, 10 = Mario Andretti. 
The true value of the rookie is then found by simply negating the rookie's 
self-assigned value. 
COROLLARY 1:  Treat any rookie assigned to your Unit as you would a 
Bystander. (See The First Rule of Bystanders, above.) 


  THE RULE OF RULES:
As soon as an EMS Rule is accepted as absolute, an exception to that Rule 
will immediately occur. 

PS - Murphy was an optimist!




  A fellow walks into his doctor's office, complaining that he thinks 
he might have a tapeworm.  The doctor makes a physical examination and 
listens to the symptoms, and concurs with the self diagnosis.
  "I want you to come back tomorrow, to start treatment. And bring a 
banana and a cookie with you", said the doctor.
  Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complies, and returns the 
next day with a banana and a cookie.
  The doctor says "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going 
to hurt a bit."
  Although leery about the turn of events, the patient drops his pants and 
bends over.  The doctor peels the banana and with one deft motion rams it 
up the guy's ass. While the doctor consults his watch, our hero dances 
around the room shouting at the doctor.
  "Okay, one minute is up, and we have to complete the second part of the 
treatment if you truly want to get rid of this tapeworm", advises doc.  
  Despite the pain, the patient does want to be cured, so complies with 
the order to bend over again.  The doctor takes the cookie and rams IT up 
the patients ass.
  "Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring 
another banana and a cookie", says the doctor.
  The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nods his head.
Next day, the same routine ensues. First the doctor rams up a banana, waits
exactly one minute, then rams up a cookie. And the next day, and the next 
day and the next!!  Every day UP goes a banana, wait one minute, then UP 
goes a cookie.
  After one full week of treatments, the doctor finally says "Well, 
tomorrow is the LAST day of treatments. I want you to bring in a banana 
and a hammer."
  "Not a cookie?" asks the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what 
a hammer was going to feel like.
  "Nope, a hammer", confirmed the doctor.
  The last day the doctor says "Okay, you know the routine".
  So the man drops his pants and bends over. UP goes the banana, and the 
doctor looks at his watch and picks up the hammer.  One minute passes. 
Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes pass.  Then a little head pokes out 
the patients ass.
"WHERE'S MY COOKIE?"
*********WHAM*********




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