Mammogram Jokes

Mammogram Jokes



  The Joys & Thrill Of Mammograms
  
  This is an x-ray that has it's own name because no one wants to
actually say the word "breast".  Mammograms require your breast to 
do gymnastics.  If you have extremely agile breasts, you should do 
fine.  Most breasts, however, pretty much hang around doing nothing 
in particular, so they are woefully unprepared. But you can prepare 
for a mammogram right at home using these simple exercises!

EXERCISE 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the
door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam
the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good
measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in
case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE 2:
Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement
floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably
on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the
car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is
sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the
other breast.

EXERCISE 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite
a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of
your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you
can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year
and do it again. 

EXERCISE 4:
Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer.  Feed the breast 
into the machine and start cranking.  Repeat twice daily.

You are now properly prepared.




ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM

For years 'n years they told me,
"Be careful of your breasts;
Don't squeeze or bruise them,
and give them monthly tests."
 
So I heeded all their warnings,
and protected them by law...
Guarded them very carefully,
and always wore a bra.
 
After 30 years of careful care,
the Doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a Mammogram,
to look inside that clump.
 
"Stand up very close," he said,
as he got my tit in line.
"And tell me when it hurts," he said.  
"Ah, yes, that's just fine."
 
He stepped upon a pedal... 
I could not believe my eyes
A plastic plate was pressing down!
My boob was in a vice!
 
My skin was stretched 'n stretched 
from way up by my chin.
And my poor tit was being squashed to 
Swedish pancake thin!
 
Excruciating pain I felt,
within its vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing, 
my poor, defenseless tit!
 
"Take a deep breath," he said to me.  
Who does he think he's kidding?
My chest is smashed in his machine;
I can't breathe and woozy I'm getting.
 
"There, that was good," I heard him 
say as the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's get the other one." 
"Lord have mercy!" I was praying.
 
It squeezed me from the up and down, 
it squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet he's never had this done,
to his tender little hide.
 
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now...
If there had been a cyst in there,
it would have popped--- Ker Pow!!!
 
This machine was made by man,
of this I have no doubt...
I'd like to get his balls in there;
for months he'd go without.




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