Doctor Jokes

Doctor Jokes


WHAT THEY SAY                          WHAT THEY'RE THINKING

This should be taken care of           I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next
right away."                           month but this is so easy and
                                       profitable that I want to fix it
                                       before it cures itself.

Welllllll, what have we here...        I have no idea and I'm hoping
                                       you'll give me a clue.

Let me check your medical history.     I want to see if you've paid your
                                       last bill before spending any more
                                       time with you.

Why don't we make another appointment  I'm playing golf this afternoon,
later in the week.                     and this a waste of time.
                                       I need the bucks, so I'm charging
                                       you for another office visit.

We have some good news and some        The good news is, I'm going to buy
bad news.                              that new BMW.  The bad news is,
                                       you're going to pay for it.

Let's see how it develops.             Maybe in a few days it will grow
                                       into something that can be cured.

Let me schedule you for some tests.    I have a forty percent interest
                                       in the lab.

I'd like to have my associate look     He's going through a messy
at you.                                and owes me a bundle.

How are we today?                      I feel great.  You, on the other
                                       hand, look like crap.

I'd like to prescribe a new drug.      I'm writing a paper and would
                                       to use you for a guinea pig.

If it doesn't clear up in a week,      I don't know what the hell it is.
give me a call.                        Maybe it will go away by itself.

That's quite a nasty looking wound.    I think I'm going to throw up.

This may smart a little.               Last week two patients bit off
                                       their tongues.

Well, we're not feeling so well        I'm stalling for time.  Who the
today, are we...?                      are you and why are you are here?

This should fix you up.                The drug company slipped me some
                                       bucks to prescribe this stuff.

Everything seems to be normal.         Crap!  I guess I can't buy that
                                       beach condo after all.

I'd like to run some more tests.       I can't figure out what's wrong.
                                       Maybe the kid in the lab can
                                       this one.

Do you suppose all this stress could   You're crazier'n a craphouse rat.
be affecting your nerves?"             Now who's a goofy shrink who'll
                                       split fees with me?

Why don't you slip out of your         I haven't had a good laugh all

There is a lot of that going around.   My God, that's the third one this
                                       week.  I'd better learn something
                                       about this.

If those symptoms persist, call for    I've never heard of anything so
an appointment.                        disgusting.  Thank God I'm off
                                       next week.

  A doctor had a problem with a leak in his bathroom plumbing 
that became bigger and bigger.  Even though it was 2 a.m., the 
doctor decided to phone his plumber.
  "For Pete's sake, Doc," he wailed, "this is some time to 
wake a guy."
  "Well," the doctor answered testily, "you've never hesitated 
to call me in the middle of the night with a medical problem.  
Now it just happens I've got a plumbing emergency."
  There was a moment's silence. Then the plumber spoke up,
"Right you are, Doc," he agreed. "Tell me what's wrong."
  The doctor explained about the leak in the bathroom.
  "Tell you what to do," the plumber offered.  "Take two 
aspirins every four hours and drop them down the pipe. If the 
leak hasn't cleared up by morning, phone me at the office."

  A man who hasn't been feeling very well lately goes to his doctor 
for a complete checkup.  After the examination, the doctor comes out 
with the results and says, "I'm afraid I have some bad news, You're 
dying and you don't have much time."
  "Oh no, that's terrible," says the man, "How long have I got?"
  "Only about 10," says the doctor.
  "10?!  10 what?  Months?  Weeks?  What?!", he asks desperately.
  The doctor looks at his watch and says, "9...8...7..."

Doctor: "Well, Joe, I have some bad news and some VERY bad news 
        for you."
Patient: "What is it, Doc?"
Doctor: "The bad news is you have only 24 hrs. to live."
Patient: "Oh doctor, that's terrible. What'll I do? And how could
         anything be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?"
Doctor: "Well, I'm afraid I tried all day yesterday to reach you."
Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain.
Why's that?
My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.

Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out. Can you give me something to 
 keep it in? 
Certainly - how about a paper bag?

Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me.
Next, please!

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Pull yourself together!

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge.
What's come over you?
Two cars and a bus!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball.
Get back in the queue.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there's two of me.
One at a time, please.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture.

Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory.
When did it happen?
When did what happen?

Doctor, doctor, my little boy's swallowed a bullet. What shall I do?
Well, for a start, don't point him at me.

Patient: Doctor, will you treat me?
Doctor:  No. You have to pay like everyone else.

PATIENT: Doctor, I can't feel my legs!
DOCTOR: I know, we had to amputate your hands.

Doctor to patient: "How did those suppositories work out for you?"
"Well, Doc, for all the good those pills did for me, I could have 
shoved them up my ass"

Why should you never ever use half a suppository?
You are supposed to shove one up your ass whole.

"Doctor, how long after surgery do I have to wait to have sex?"
"Geez, I don't know.  Nobody has ever asked me that about a 

  The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, 
"Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult 
you by offering payment.  But I would like for you to know 
that I had mentioned you in my will."
  "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and 
then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you?  I'd 
like to make a little change..."

Regarding extra billing ny Ontario doctors...
I guess that would make them all plastic surgeons
As in "Will that be Visa or Mastercard?"

  "During my operation, Nurse, I heard the surgeon use a
four-letter word that upset me very much", said the patient.
  What word was that?, queried the Nurse?

  A man walks into a doctors office and puts a note on the table 
in front of the doctor.
  The note says, 'I can't talk, help me!'.
  The doctor thinks for a while and says to the man, 'Put your 
dick on the table here.'
  The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as the doctor said 
anyway. The doctor takes a rubber hammer (which is usually used 
to test someone's reflexes) and hits the poor man's dick with it 
as hard as he can.
  The man cries in great agony: 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.....' 
  The doctor just says, 'Come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!'

  When the young career girl consulted a doctor about her diminishing
sexuality, she was given a hormone shot and told to call back in a
  "Doctor," she screamed over the phone the next week, "my voice has
become terribly low."
  "That's not too unusual," replied the doctor. "Have you had any 
other reactions?"
  "Yes," she moaned.  "I've sprouted hair on my chest."
  "My goodness," the doctor gasped, "how far down does it go?"
  "All the way to my testicles"  she replied.

Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the 
         uncontrollable urge to go downstairs and stick my dick 
         into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?
Doctor:'re fucking crackers.

  A man took his girlfriend to see the doctor because she had been 
suffering chest pains. The doctor examined her and then asked her 
to step outside while he spoke to her boyfriend alone.
  "Well sir, your girlfriend has acute angina", said the Doctor.
  "Yeah! And her tits are pretty good as well!"

  A woman belts into the doctors office, followed by her 5 year 
old son. 
Woman: Doctor, Doctor, My William has just swallowed a roll of film.
Doctor: Calm down...Now William you go a sit over there.
Woman: What are you doing?
Doctor: Sit here with me and we'll see what develops.

Tom says, "I think I've got hemorrhoids."  
Bill asks, "Have you seen a doctor?"  
  "No, I'm too embarrassed."  
  "Well, try this old country remedy. Wash your anus in lukewarm 
tea.  It worked for my dad."  
  Tom follows Bill's suggestion, but gets no relief, and finally 
sees a doctor, who examines him and says, "First, you have indeed 
got hemorrhoids.  Second, you will shortly be going on a long 

  The doctor had just been buried.  The last words of the service
over, his friends and family started toward their cars.  However, 
they stopped because a strange, eerie sound suddenly was heard 
from the grave.  As the guests looked around, a colleague of the 
deceased said, "It's nothing...just his beeper."

  A lady hears that the local drug store is featuring a mind-reading 
druggist. She can't believe it. She goes down to the store, and sure 
enough, there's a sign in the window: Mind-reading druggist.
  As she walks in, the druggist says, "You're here for 
suppositories, right?"
  "Nope, I'm here for tampons."
  "Well, I didn't miss by much, did I?"

  A man slumps into the doctor's office with a fried egg hanging 
out of one ear, baked beans dripping out of the other, french fries 
jammed up his nose, bits of hamburger oozing from one eye, meringue 
trickling from the other.
  "I feel awful, Doc," he complains.
  The doc examines him and finds more foodstuffs in navel, anus and
  He pronounces his diagnosis, "I think your problem is that you're 
not eating properly!"

  I like to tell the story about how busy my doctor is whenever 
I visit him. One day, after a brisk three minute examination, he 
grabs up a prescription pad and pulls a rectal thermometer out 
of his breast pocket.
  "Doc," I interrupted, "I hate to tell you how to do your job,
but you're writing my prescription with a rectal thermometer. 
  He looked down in horror and exclaimed, "Oh, my God. That means 
some asshole's got my pen!"

  It was a quiet night and the nurses were sitting around the 
central work area drinking coffee and eating doughnuts.  The 
doctor went to see the lone patient who had come in for rectal 
bleeding.  The doctor's job was to put his finger up the patient's 
fanny and get some stool on the tip of his rubber glove, then 
smear a sample of the stool onto a testing card to see if it 
contained blood.  He put on his rubber glove, disappeared into 
the patient's room, smeared chocolate frosting onto the gloved 
fingertip, returned to the central work area, sat down with
the nurses, and licked off the tip of his brown-tipped finger.
  "Tastes like blood, all right," he announced.

 A doctor told a female patient, "I want you to avoid sex with 
your husband for 3 weeks.
The woman answered, "No problem, I have a boyfriend."

  A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks 
him what he can do.  The doctor replies that the illness is quite 
serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal 
  The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells 
him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind.  The 
doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the 
same thing in six hours.
  So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the 
second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach 
himself properly to obtain the required depth.  He calls his 
wife over and tells her what to do.  
  The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him 
and with the other shoves the medicine home.  
  Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!"
  "What's the matter?", asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"
   "No," replies the man. "But I just realized that when the 
doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."

Doctor: "How's your sex life?" 
Patient: "Infrequent" 
Doctor: "Is that one word or two?" 

How can you tell a head nurse?
She's the one with dirty knees.

Why should you watch your ass in the hospital?
It's enema territory.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

A needle in the butt,
A tube down a nose
Some poopy in a pan
And so our day goes.

  A rich businessman's wife broke her hip.  The businessman got 
the best bone surgeon in town to do the operation.  The operation 
basically consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a 
screw to secure it.
  The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man 
a fee for his services of $5000. The businessman was outraged at 
the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list 
of the costs.
  The doctor sent back a list with two things:

1 screw                   $   1.00
Knowing how to put it in  $4999.00
                          $5000.00 total

  An eminent heart specialist was at a glittering social function 
and was in animated conversations with a lovely young thing wearing 
a great deal of makeup and the barest minimum of clothing.  It was 
only a few minutes too late that the good doctor became aware that 
his wife, whom he thought was safely in the next room, was watching 
him with a steely glare.
  Clearing his throat, the doctor said, "Ah, my dear, that young 
lady over there and I were just indulging in a purely professional 
  "So I can well imagine," said his wife icily, "but was it your
profession, or hers?"

  A guy's working at the lumber yard, pushing a tree through the 
buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers.  
He goes to the Emergency Room.
  The doctor's says, "Yuk!  Well, give me the fingers, and I'll 
see what I can do."
  The guy says, "I haven't got the fingers."
  The doctor says, "What do you mean, 'you haven't got the fingers'?
It's th 1990's.  We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible 
techniques.  I could have put them back on and made you like new.  
Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
  He says, "Well, heck, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

  The doctor's new secretary was puzzled by an entry in the 
doctor's notes on an emergency case, "Shot in the lumbar region," 
it read.
  After a moment she typed in the record, "Shot in the woods."


10. Rushes in late for appointment, still wearing his 
    Burger King uniform.
 9. You have to push aside dirty dinner plates in order to 
    lie down on the examination table
 8. Spends hours pushing toy cars up and down your back and 
    making "vroom" sound
 7. You're fully clothed and he's naked
 6. Over and over, you hear crunching sounds followed by "uh-oh"
 5. While making adjustment, he pretends to pull a silver dollar 
    of your ass
 4. He throws in a complimentary rabies shot
 3. Hints that for an extra fifty bucks, he'll "straighten" 
    something else
 2. Weeks later, you see a guy on the street selling videos of 
    your visit
 1. When you walk, you make a wacky accordion sound

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery...

"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

"Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

"Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."

"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

"Damn, there go the lights again...."

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of

"What do you mean you want a divorce?"

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