What do you call a man who puts his tool in another man's mouth?
A dentist.
What is the difference between a dentist and a New York baseball fan?
One yanks for the roots; the other roots for the Yanks.
There are three basic rules for having good teeth:
1. Brush them twice a day.
2. See your dentist twice a year.
3. Keep you nose out of other people's business.
Next time the dentist tells ya to 'Open Wide'
Ask whether he's talking about your mouth, or your wallet.
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth.
He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell
her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves..."Do you
know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No?"
"Well," he spoofed, "Down in Mexico they have this big building
set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked
according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank,
dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the
latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel
off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate'
and start the process all over again."
And she didn't laugh a bit! Five minutes later, during the
procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst
out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought
about how they must make condoms!"
Four out of five dentists surveyed recommend sugarless gum for
their patients who chew gum. The fifth one recommends taffy and
Karo syrup, because he has some rather large gambling debts.
"Open wider," requested the dentist, as he began his examination
of the patient. "Good God!" he said startled. "You've got the
biggest cavity I've ever seen -- the biggest cavity I've ever seen."
"OK Doc!" replied the patient. "I'm scared enough without you
saying something like that twice."
"I didn't!" said the dentist. "That was the echo."
A man rushes into a dentist's office. He finds the dentist in an
examination room and yells, "Doc, can you pull a bad tooth right away?"
Without a word the dentist throws the man into the chair, pries his
mouth open, examines his teeth, grabs a pair of pliers and yanks out
a tooth. "How's that? Feeling better?" he says.
The man says, "No, and my wife still has a toothache."
A young man went to the dentist, and as the dentist was leaning
over him he said "I see you have had oral sex recently sir."
The young man said, "Why, is there a pubic hair in my teeth?"
The dentist said, "No...you've got shit on your nose"
Things that sound dirty in a dentists office, but aren't.
Can you open your mouth a bit wider?
Damn it, I think it broke off
Please don't bite down on my equipment
Open wide, this wont hurt a bit
I am going to drill you now
Here is some laughing gas...you won't feel a thing
For $200 an hour, she better be good!
I think I can fill it with what I've got
You will feel a little prick
If you feel uncomfortable, just jerk your head and I'll pull out
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.
"I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you
normally charge."
"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud,
you scared away two other patients."
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement
that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly
realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket
and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair...try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more
paid of false teeth...try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his
meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank
the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office?
I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."
A dentist went to a client's house to demand payment for dentures
he had given on credit to the latter.
He later came home sadly. His wife asked him whether he got the
client to pay up.
The dentist said, "No, he did not pay up and what's worse, he was
snarling at me with my teeth!"
Woman goes to the destist for a bad toothache.
After examination....
DENTIST: Sorry Miss - we're going to have to remove the tooth
PATIENT: No no..that's too painful - I'd rather have a baby (pain of)
DENTIST: You got to let me know - I've got to adjust the chair.
ATHENS, Greece (AP)
A dentist whose patients accused him of leaving them in agony by
using various contraptions, including oversized screws for dental
implants, has been jailed for four years. Theodoros Vassiliadis was
convicted of causing bodily harm to seven patients. He used screws
from TV sets to fix implants. "He destroyed the whole upper part of
my mouth", one patient said. "The screws he put in were 30mm long."
Dentist's Motivational Hymn: "Holy, Holy, Holy"
Dentist's Hymn: "Crown Him with Many Crowns"
Seen in a Dentist's Waiting Room:
Bridge Over Troubled Molars
Help Me Make It Through The Bite
You've Lost That Loving Filling
There was a young dentist Malone
who had a charming girl patient alone.
But in his depravity
he filled the wrong cavity,
God, how his practice has grown!
The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith
made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he
ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the
tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the
dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Smith turned to his wife... "Show him, honey."
A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really
well they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink. A few drinks
later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took
off his socks and washed his hands.
The girl looked at him and says, "You must be a dentist!"
Flabbergasted, the guy responded, "Yes, that's amazing how did you
figure that out?"
The girl said, "Easy...you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another, they migrated to the bed and things became
more passionate.
After they were done, the girl said, "You must be a GREAT dentist!"
The guy was very very surprised, and said, "Yes, I sure am a great
dentist...How did you figure that out??"
The girl said, "Easy...I didn't feel a thing."
A woman goes to the dentist. She sits in the chair and he leans over
to begin working on her. She grabs him by the testicles.
The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."
The woman replies, "Yes, And we're going to be careful not to hurt each
other, aren't we."
The dentist was striving to extract a tooth, but every time he got
ready to proceed the patient clamped his jaws. At last, he took his
assistant aside and told her at the very moment he poised the forceps,
to give the patient's hip a vicious pinch.
The pinch was administered, the nervous patient's mouth flew open,
and the tooth was easily removed.
"Didn't hurt, did it?", asked the dentist.
"Not much," replied the patient, "but who would have thought the
root went that deep?"
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses
to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and
you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's
the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes
deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he
promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you
to trust him-- he's done this many times before. His cool smile
relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy
entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly
takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way;
pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle
of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you
if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake
you head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out
with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After
a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and
he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He
looks at you and smiling warmly,tells you, with a chuckle; that you
have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile
and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Tooth Fairy Form Letter
Dear ____________:
Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night.
While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of
lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request
for the following reason(s) indicated below:
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth
fairy
( ) you were age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of
our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or
were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
( ) other:
Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following
certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near
you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in
the future.
Sincerely,
The Tooth Fairy
|