Manager Jokes

Manager Jokes



What's the difference between a 69 and management?
with a 69 you only have one asshole in view!



  After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation 
announced the following results on corporate America's recreation 
preferences. 

The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is Basketball. 

The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is Bowling. 

The sport of choice for front line workers is Football. 

The sport of choice for supervisors is Baseball. 

The sport of choice for middle management is Tennis. 

The sport of choice for corporate officers is Golf. 

Conclusion:
  The higher you are in the corporate structure, 
the smaller your balls become.



  A sportsman went to a hunting lodge and bagged a record number of 
birds, aided by a dog named Worker.  The next year he returned and 
asked for Worker again.
  "The hound ain't no durn good now," the handler said.
  "What happened!" cried the sportsman.  "Was he injured?"
  "No. Some fool came down here and called him `Manager' all week 
instead of Worker.  Now all he does is sit on his tail and bark."



  In case you've ever wondered why ignorance rises with the 
executive level, here is a simple explanation that is also 
a mathematical proof.

First the givens:

   1. Knowledge is Power.
 
   2. Time is Money.
 
And, as every engineer knows:
 
                 Work
    3.   Power = ----
                 Time

By simple substitution we get:
 
                  Work
     Knowledge =  -----
                  Money
 
And, solving for Money, we get:
 
                   Work
         Money = ---------
                 Knowledge

hence,

           Lim (Money) = Infinity
      Knowledge---->0

  Thus, the science of mathematics proves that Money approaches 
infinity as Knowledge approaches zero, regardless of how little 
Work may actually be done.  This effectively proves that the 
less you know, the more you make. You always knew it was true.  
Now you know why!



  It has come to the attention of upper management that 
the shit we've been passing down to middle management has 
not been getting properly prioritized.  Thus we have come 
up with the following company standards. There are now 
four official categories of shit...

  Bullshit: One of us had nothing better to do and so this shit 
was created.  This must receive the highest priority as until we 
find something better to do, we will be giving this shit our full
attention.

  Holy Shit: Actually this should receive the highest priority as 
it is the shit created when one of us has gotten a bug up his or
her ass.

  No Shit: This is shit you already know, but with minor quibbling
variations.  Give it your full attention as we will quiz you on 
this shit.

  Little Shit: Okay, this is the stuff that should be on the top 
of your shit list.  It comes from recently promoted upper managers 
looking to emphasize the importance of their new positions.  As 
their egos are riding on the priority you give to their shit, 
giving it highest priority is the best way to keep them from 
sulking which could cause a drop in their shit production.

  All shit _will_ fit one of these categories except for shit 
that doesn't.  Shit that doesn't fit a category is meaningless 
shit, which is of course the most important shit of all. Failure 
to adhere to these standards which have been designed to help 
you get your shit together will result in you being shit out 
of luck.

Your cooperation is appreciated,
Philip M. O'Magnesia
King Shit



  A turkey was standing in a field chatting to a bull.
  "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed 
the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy".
  "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?", replied the 
bull. "They're packed with nutrients".
  The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave
him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
  The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second 
branch.  Finally after a fourth night he was proudly perched at the 
top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into 
the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the turkey right out 
of the tree.

Moral of the Story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. 



CORPORATE LADDER 

President:
 Faster than a speeding bullet
 Stronger than a locomotive
 Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound
 Walks on water
 Talks with God

Vice-president:
 Can keep up with speeding bullets
 Wins tug-of-war against small trains
 Can leap tall buildings with favorable winds
 Walks on water on calm days
 Talks with God by appointment only

Jr. Vice-president:
 Carries a MAC-10 at all times
 Pulls trains with his teeth
 Leaps small buildings with running start
 Walks on water in indoor swimming pools
 God occasionally grants requests for a talk

Division Manager:
 Carries a sawed-off shotgun when in bad end of town
 Owns his own train
 Climbs up the sides of buildings
 Competes in olympics doing the Butterfly
 Catches a glimpse of God every now and then

Project Director:
 Is not issued live ammunition
 Is afraid of trains
 Climbs up and down the fire escape
 Swims well
 Has a picture of God on his desk

Office Manager:
 Carries cap gun
 Has a model train set in his basement
 Uses front and rear doors of building
 Can dog-paddle
 Always carries a cross in case of vampire attack

Programming Supervisor:
 Needs assistance when refilling his water-gun
 Chases trains (and cars)
 Gets stuck in revolving doors
 Wears life-jacket whenever near water
 Says his prayers every night and before nap-time

System Programmer:
 Catches speeding bullets with his teeth
 Kicks trains off the tracks
 Picks up buildings and walks under them
 Moves lakes out of his way
 He IS God



 
New Chemical Element Discovered

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratum, has no 
protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However 
it does have:

           1 neutron.
         125 assistant neutrons
          75 vice-neutrons
         111 assistant vice-neutrons

This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together
by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles
called morons.

  Since it has no electrons, Administratum is inert. However, it can be
 detected chemically as it impedes every action with which it comes in
 contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratum
 causes one reaction to take four days to complete when it would have
 normally occurred in less than one second.

   Administratum has a normal half-life of approximately three years, 
at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant
vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that atomic mass
actually increases after each reorganization. Research at other 
laboratories indicates that Administratum occurs naturally in the 
atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government
agencies, large corporations, universities and can usually be found in 
the newest, best appointed, best maintained buildings.

   Scientists point out that Administratum is known to be toxic at any
level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction 
where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine
how.  Administratum can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, 
but results to date are not promising.





  Once upon a time an American automobile company and the Japanese 
decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both 
teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak of performance. 
On the big day, they both felt as ready as they could be.
  The Japanese won by a mile.
  Afterwards, the American team became very discouraged by the loss 
and morale sagged. Cooperate management decided that the reason for 
the crushing defeat had to be found.
  A 'continuous improvement' team was set up to investigate the 
problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.
  Their conclusions:
  The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 
1 person steering; whereas the American team had 1 person rowing 
and 8 people steering.  The American Corporate Steering Committee 
immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management 
structure. After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting 
firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough 
were rowing."
  To prevent losing to the Japanese again the next year, the team's 
management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering managers,
3 area steering managers, 1 staff steering manager, and a new 
performance system for the person rowing the boat...to give him 
more incentive to work harder! "We must give him empowerment and 
enrichment. That ought to do it."
  The next year, the Japanese won by two miles!
  Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for 
poor performance, sold all the paddles, cancelled all capital 
investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, 
gave a "High Performance" award to the consulting firm...and 
distributed the money saved as bonuses to the Senior Executives.



  A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high 
tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him 
privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes.
  "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think 
you can solve," he said.
  Things went along smoothly for a short time, but six months 
later, sales started taking a downturn and he was catching 
a lot of heat.  About at his wits's end, he remembered the 
envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first 
envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
  The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid 
the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with 
his comments, the press, and Wall Street, responded positively, 
sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
  About a year later, the company was again experiencing a dip 
in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned 
from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second 
envelope. The message read, "Reorganize."
  This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
  After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once 
again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed 
the door and opened the third envelope.
  The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."




  You ploughed through "The 7 habits of Highly Effective people" 
and what did it get you? 
  Nothing, effectively. By now, you have realised it takes more 
than effectiveness to climb to the top in today's competitive 
business environment. After travelling across the country and 
interviewing hundreds of upper-level managers, corporate 
executives and government leaders, I have identified seven 
behavioural habits (or "Sins") common to all highly successful 
people. Remember: Without Sin, there is no Synergy!

PRIDE
+++++
  In the global economy, pride no longer cometh before a fall.
It cometh before a promotion.If you are not proud of your self 
and your work, who is going to be? Not your back-stabbing 
colleagues, that is for sure.

COVETOUSNESS
++++++++++++++
  Merely hoping to get ahead is a hopelessly outmoded advancement
strategy in the information age. You have got to want to advance 
with a passion that eats away like battery acid at everything that 
gets in your way. Practise the art of visualisation. Imagine 
yourself in the job you desire. As clearly and honestly as you 
can, visualise what has to happen to the person who has the job 
for you to take over. Feels good, doesn't it?

LUST
+++++
  Lust is the motor oil that lubricates the modern corporate 
engine. There is no limit to how far lust can propel a career. 
The trouble many leaders have is they fail to prioritise lust 
episodes.

ANGER
++++++
  In business, learning to say "no" is not enough anymore. In 
today's global economy, successful bossess have to be able to 
say "Hell,no!!". Anger is a critically important motivational 
tool for managers, a way of empowering oneself by disempowering 
everyone else in the room.

GLUTTONY
++++++++++
  Successful people get more because they want more. They are 
gluttons for achievement; they crave advancement; they pig out 
on success. They have learnt how to screen ethical and emotional 
distractions and engage in single-minded pursuit of acquistion 
and consumption.  In a dog-eat-dog world, it is always time 
to eat.

ENVY
+++++
  Turn passive jealousy of a successful co-worker into pro-active 
envy. Rather than sulking over your rival's recent promotion, do 
something about it. Point out how many times he has been late for 
work or left the office early. Shake your head sadly over his 
recent "erratic" behaviour. Drop dark hints that he might have 
a drug problem.

SLOTH
++++++
  The 70's were about working hard. The 80's were concerned with 
working smart. As we approach the millennium, we are undergoing 
a critical paradigm shift in which the leadership roles will be 
filled by those who do not do any work at all. Show me a busy 
boss and I will show you someone who is not squeezing the last 
drop of productivity out of his workers. Keep in mind that it is 
the employee who shows no aptitude for getting the job done who 
is taken out of the productive flow and made an upper-level 
manager.

  In the end, the Seven Deadly Sins of Highly Successful People 
are only a blueprint for action. It takes you to implement them 
and rescript your life. 
  Remember: The wages of Sin are higher wages!




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