What's the difference between a 69 and management? with a 69 you only have one asshole in view! After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is Basketball. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is Bowling. The sport of choice for front line workers is Football. The sport of choice for supervisors is Baseball. The sport of choice for middle management is Tennis. The sport of choice for corporate officers is Golf. Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. A sportsman went to a hunting lodge and bagged a record number of birds, aided by a dog named Worker. The next year he returned and asked for Worker again. "The hound ain't no durn good now," the handler said. "What happened!" cried the sportsman. "Was he injured?" "No. Some fool came down here and called him `Manager' all week instead of Worker. Now all he does is sit on his tail and bark." In case you've ever wondered why ignorance rises with the executive level, here is a simple explanation that is also a mathematical proof. First the givens: 1. Knowledge is Power. 2. Time is Money. And, as every engineer knows: Work 3. Power = ---- Time By simple substitution we get: Work Knowledge = ----- Money And, solving for Money, we get: Work Money = --------- Knowledge hence, Lim (Money) = Infinity Knowledge---->0 Thus, the science of mathematics proves that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches zero, regardless of how little Work may actually be done. This effectively proves that the less you know, the more you make. You always knew it was true. Now you know why! It has come to the attention of upper management that the shit we've been passing down to middle management has not been getting properly prioritized. Thus we have come up with the following company standards. There are now four official categories of shit... Bullshit: One of us had nothing better to do and so this shit was created. This must receive the highest priority as until we find something better to do, we will be giving this shit our full attention. Holy Shit: Actually this should receive the highest priority as it is the shit created when one of us has gotten a bug up his or her ass. No Shit: This is shit you already know, but with minor quibbling variations. Give it your full attention as we will quiz you on this shit. Little Shit: Okay, this is the stuff that should be on the top of your shit list. It comes from recently promoted upper managers looking to emphasize the importance of their new positions. As their egos are riding on the priority you give to their shit, giving it highest priority is the best way to keep them from sulking which could cause a drop in their shit production. All shit _will_ fit one of these categories except for shit that doesn't. Shit that doesn't fit a category is meaningless shit, which is of course the most important shit of all. Failure to adhere to these standards which have been designed to help you get your shit together will result in you being shit out of luck. Your cooperation is appreciated, Philip M. O'Magnesia King Shit A turkey was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy". "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?", replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients". The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the turkey right out of the tree. Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. CORPORATE LADDER President: Faster than a speeding bullet Stronger than a locomotive Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound Walks on water Talks with God Vice-president: Can keep up with speeding bullets Wins tug-of-war against small trains Can leap tall buildings with favorable winds Walks on water on calm days Talks with God by appointment only Jr. Vice-president: Carries a MAC-10 at all times Pulls trains with his teeth Leaps small buildings with running start Walks on water in indoor swimming pools God occasionally grants requests for a talk Division Manager: Carries a sawed-off shotgun when in bad end of town Owns his own train Climbs up the sides of buildings Competes in olympics doing the Butterfly Catches a glimpse of God every now and then Project Director: Is not issued live ammunition Is afraid of trains Climbs up and down the fire escape Swims well Has a picture of God on his desk Office Manager: Carries cap gun Has a model train set in his basement Uses front and rear doors of building Can dog-paddle Always carries a cross in case of vampire attack Programming Supervisor: Needs assistance when refilling his water-gun Chases trains (and cars) Gets stuck in revolving doors Wears life-jacket whenever near water Says his prayers every night and before nap-time System Programmer: Catches speeding bullets with his teeth Kicks trains off the tracks Picks up buildings and walks under them Moves lakes out of his way He IS God New Chemical Element Discovered The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratum, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However it does have: 1 neutron. 125 assistant neutrons 75 vice-neutrons 111 assistant vice-neutrons This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratum is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every action with which it comes in contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratum causes one reaction to take four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second. Administratum has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratum occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, universities and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, best maintained buildings. Scientists point out that Administratum is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how. Administratum can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising. Once upon a time an American automobile company and the Japanese decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak of performance. On the big day, they both felt as ready as they could be. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterwards, the American team became very discouraged by the loss and morale sagged. Cooperate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A 'continuous improvement' team was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusions: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering; whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough were rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again the next year, the team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering managers, 3 area steering managers, 1 staff steering manager, and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat...to give him more incentive to work harder! "We must give him empowerment and enrichment. That ought to do it." The next year, the Japanese won by two miles! Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, gave a "High Performance" award to the consulting firm...and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the Senior Executives. A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Things went along smoothly for a short time, but six months later, sales started taking a downturn and he was catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press, and Wall Street, responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes." You ploughed through "The 7 habits of Highly Effective people" and what did it get you? Nothing, effectively. By now, you have realised it takes more than effectiveness to climb to the top in today's competitive business environment. After travelling across the country and interviewing hundreds of upper-level managers, corporate executives and government leaders, I have identified seven behavioural habits (or "Sins") common to all highly successful people. Remember: Without Sin, there is no Synergy! PRIDE +++++ In the global economy, pride no longer cometh before a fall. It cometh before a promotion.If you are not proud of your self and your work, who is going to be? Not your back-stabbing colleagues, that is for sure. COVETOUSNESS ++++++++++++++ Merely hoping to get ahead is a hopelessly outmoded advancement strategy in the information age. You have got to want to advance with a passion that eats away like battery acid at everything that gets in your way. Practise the art of visualisation. Imagine yourself in the job you desire. As clearly and honestly as you can, visualise what has to happen to the person who has the job for you to take over. Feels good, doesn't it? LUST +++++ Lust is the motor oil that lubricates the modern corporate engine. There is no limit to how far lust can propel a career. The trouble many leaders have is they fail to prioritise lust episodes. ANGER ++++++ In business, learning to say "no" is not enough anymore. In today's global economy, successful bossess have to be able to say "Hell,no!!". Anger is a critically important motivational tool for managers, a way of empowering oneself by disempowering everyone else in the room. GLUTTONY ++++++++++ Successful people get more because they want more. They are gluttons for achievement; they crave advancement; they pig out on success. They have learnt how to screen ethical and emotional distractions and engage in single-minded pursuit of acquistion and consumption. In a dog-eat-dog world, it is always time to eat. ENVY +++++ Turn passive jealousy of a successful co-worker into pro-active envy. Rather than sulking over your rival's recent promotion, do something about it. Point out how many times he has been late for work or left the office early. Shake your head sadly over his recent "erratic" behaviour. Drop dark hints that he might have a drug problem. SLOTH ++++++ The 70's were about working hard. The 80's were concerned with working smart. As we approach the millennium, we are undergoing a critical paradigm shift in which the leadership roles will be filled by those who do not do any work at all. Show me a busy boss and I will show you someone who is not squeezing the last drop of productivity out of his workers. Keep in mind that it is the employee who shows no aptitude for getting the job done who is taken out of the productive flow and made an upper-level manager. In the end, the Seven Deadly Sins of Highly Successful People are only a blueprint for action. It takes you to implement them and rescript your life. Remember: The wages of Sin are higher wages! |
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