AIRPLANE:
What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.
ALIEN:
What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a
child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
APPLE:
Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
BABY:
1) Dad, when he gets a cold.
2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
BATHROOM:
A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be
self-cleaning.
BECAUSE:
Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained
logically.
BED & BREAKFAST:
Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
CARPET:
Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.
CAR POOL:
Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up
going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the
most sugar.
CHINA:
Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover
vegetables.
COOK:
1) Act of preparing food for consumption.
2) Mom's other name.
COUCH POTATO:
What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.
DATE:
Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the
kids in a different setting.
DRINKING GLASS:
Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
DUST:
Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a
battle zone.
DUST RAGS:
See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."
EAR:
A place where kids store dirt.
EAT:
What kids do between meals, but not at them.
EMPTY NEST:
See "WISHFUL THINKING."
ENERGY:
Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked
to do something.
"EXCUSE ME":
One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times
by children.
EYE:
The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be
"put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled
butter knife.
FABLE:
A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for
dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"
FROZEN:
1) A type of food.
2) How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with
a motorcycle.
GARBAGE:
A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns
to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.
GENIUSES:
Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.
GOLF:
1. Game Where Most Of Us Stand Too Close To The Ball -
After We Have Hit It.
2. A Game Which Improves Your Health And Enables You To
undesrstand Jokes In The Comic Section Of The Newspaper.
3. The Game Where Ya Gotta Get It Up To Get It In.
4. You Gotta Have Balls To Play.
5. A Beautiful Walk Spoiled By A Small White Ball.
6. A Fore Letter Word.
7. A Game Where Everyone In Front Of You Is To Slow And Everyone
Behind you Is Too Fast.
8. Like Love-- If You Take It Too Seriously,
It Can Break Your Heart.
GOLFER:
One Who Yells `Fore!', Takes Five And Writes Down Three.
GOSSIP:
1. Someone With A Good Sense Of Rumor, And Who Can't Resist Wordy
Causes.
2. Someone Who Snares The Unsuspecting In A Mouth Trap.
3. Someone Whose Train Of Thought Runs People Down.
4. Someone To Whom A Secret Is Either Not Worth Keeping
Or To Good To Keep.
5. Someone Who Can Give You All The Details Without Knowing Any
Of The Facts.
6. Someone Who Compensates For A Limited Vocabulary
With A Large Turnover.
7. Who Use Dirt To Make A Mountain Out Of Mole Hill.
8. Who Burn So Much Oxygen At The Mouth, There's Never Any Left
For The Brain.
9. Who Don't Mind Their Tongues, Though Everyone Else Does.
10. Something That Goes In One Ear And In Another.
11. People Who Never Give Secrets Away; They Trade Them.
12. Knife Of The Party
13. A Prattlesnake.
GUILLOTINE:
1. A Machine Which Makes The Frenchman Shrug His Shoulders
With Good Reason.
2. A French Chopping Center.
GUM:
Adhesive for the hair.
HAMPER:
A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not
containing, dirty clothing.
HANDI-WIPES:
Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
HANDS:
Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and
sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the
evening meal.
HINDSIGHT:
What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
HOMEMADE BREAD:
An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.
HYSTERECTOMY:
An Operation That Removes The Baby Carriage But Leaves The Playpen In
Good Condition.
I FEEL YOUR PAIN:
Clinton Rhetoric Which Numbs The Dumb.
"I SAID SO":
Reason enough, according to Mom
I.R.S:
Income Reduction Service.
ICE:
Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if
kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them
back in the freezer empty.
ICEBERG:
A Kind Of Permanent Wave.
ICECLE:
An Eavesdropper.
ICISION:
Delicate Operation Performed On Neapolitan-Flavored Ice Cream In
Which One Entire Flavor Is Precisely And Systematically Removed.
IDEAL:
My Turn To Shuffle.
IDEALS:
Funny Little Things That Don't Work Unless You Do.
IDIOT:
A Member Of A Large And Powerful Tribe Whose Influence In
Human Affairs Has Always Been Dominant And Controlling.
IDIOT BOX:
The Part Of The Envelope That Tells A Person Where To Place
The Stamp When They Can't Quite Figure It Out From Themselves.
IDOLISE:
Eyes That Refuse To Look At Anything.
IGLOO:
1. An Icicle Built For Two.
2. Material Used To Keep An Ig From Falling Apart.
IGNERT:
Not Smart. See "Arkansas Native."
IGNISECOND:
The Over-Lapping Moment Of Time When The Hand Is Locking The
Car Door Even As The Brain Is Saying `My Keys Are In There!'
IGNORANCE:
1. I Don't Know.
2. When You Don't Know Something And Someone Finds Out.
ILLEGAL:
A Sick Bird.
ILLEGIBLE:
Doctor's Prescription.
IMAGINATION:
Something that sits up with the wife when her husband is
out late.
IMMORTALITY:
A Fate Worse Than Death.
IMMUNE:
Congressional Perk.
IMPASSABLE:
A Wet Football.
IMPATIENCE:
Waiting In A Hurry.
IMPATIENT VIRGIN:
The Only Hunter Who Uses Herself As Bait.
IMPECCABLE:
Unable To Be Eaten By A Chicken.
IMPIETY:
Your Irreverence Toward My Deity.
IMPOSTOR:
A Rival Aspirant To Public Honors.
IMPOTENT:
Distinguished; Well Known.
IMPUNITY:
Wealth.
INBRED:
Best Way To Eat Salami.
INCEST:
1. Sibling Revelry.
2. A Sport The Whole Family Can Enjoy.
3. Small Animals With Six Legs.
4. The Theory Of Relativity.
5. Roll Your Own.
INCISION:
Unable To Decide
INCOME:
What You Have To Make First, Because You Can't Make It Last.
INCOMPATIBILITY:
1. Two People Who Can't Stomach Each Other.
2. In Matrimony A Similarity Of Tastes, Particularly The Taste
For Domination.
INCONGRUOUS:
1. Where The Laws Are Made.
2. Where The Hot Air In The U.S. Is Produced.
INCUMBENT:
Person Of Liveliest Interest To The Outcumbents.
INDENTURED SERVANT:
A Slave With False Teeth.
INDIFFERENCE:
1. It Doesn't Matter.
2. A Woman's Feeling Towards A Man, Which Is Interpreted To By
The Man As `Playing Hard To Get.'
INDIFFERENT:
Imperfectly Sensible To Distinctions Among Things.
INDISCRETION:
The Guilt Of Woman.
INDUSTRIAL:
1. A Genre Of Music That Attempts To Duplicate The Sound Of Your
Head Being Run Through A Printing Press.
2. Alternative Songs That Are An Alternative To Alternative Songs.
3. Music Marketed To People Who Feel Like Shit All The Time -
And Like It.
INEXPEDIENT:
1. Not Calculated To Advance One's Interests.
2. Only Helpful To Others
INFATUATION:
1. When You're In Love, There's A Lump In Your Throat.
2. When You're Infatuated, There's A Lump In Your Pants.
3. What Transforms Us From Pushing A Shopping Cart Into
Basket Cases.
INFLUENCE:
In Politics, A Visionary 'quo' Given In Return For A
Substantial 'quid'.
INFLUENZA:
You've Got To Be Sick To Ask Me That Question.
INGRATE:
A Man Who Bites The Hand That Feeds Him, And Then Complains
Of Indigestion.
INJURY:
An Offense Next In Degree Of Enormity To A Slight.
INK:
A Villainous Compound Of Tannogallate Of Iron, Gum-Arabic,
And Water, Chiefly Used To Facilitate The Infection Of
Idiocy And Promote Intellectual Crime.
INKSLICK:
A Greasy Spot On A Piece Of Stationary Or Test Paper.
INNOCENCE:
1. Nun Working In Condom Factory, Thinking She's Making
Sleeping Bags For Mice.
2. Young Woman Applying Clearasil Over Her Nipples Thinking
It To Be A Pimple.
INNUENDO:
An Italian Suppository.
INSANE:
Has A High Degree Of Intellectual Independence.
INSANITY:
Grounds For Divorce In Some States; Grounds For Marriage
In All.
INSENSITIVITY:
Objections To The Use Of Tax Money To Buy Votes.
INSIDE:
That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once
Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready
to go outside.
INSIGNIFICANCE:
When You're In The Labor Room With Your Wife, Watching The
Doctor With Both Arms Buried Up To His Elbows To Turn The
Baby Around Properly.
INSOLENCE:
Pooping On Someone's Doorstep, And Then Knocking On The
Door To Ask If They Have Any Toilet Paper.
INSOMNIA:
1. I Stayed Awake All Last Night Thinking Of The Answer.
2. Nothing To Lose Sleep Over.
INSTITUTE:
Archaic School Where Football Is Not Taught
INSULANT:
Impolite; Rude
INTELLIGENCE:
A Sterling Quality Possessed By Anybody Who Will Listen
Attentively To What You Have To Say And Nod In Agreement.
INTENSE PAIN:
Torture In A Teepee.
INTENSE:
Where Campers Sleep.
INTERESTING:
A Word A Man Uses To Describe A Woman Who Lets Him Do
All The Talking.
INTERLUDE:
Time Between Times.
INTERMINABLE:
Within The Organization Only
INTERN:
One After Another
INTERPRETER:
One Who Enables Two Persons Of Different Languages To
Understand Each Other By Repeating To Each What It Would
Have Been To The Interpreter's Advantage For The Other To
Have Said.
INTERVAL:
How Long It Takes You To Find The Right Note.
INTESTATE:
Part Of The Body That Absorbs Food.
INTESTINE:
Beta Version Of A Fork.
INTIMACY:
A Relation Into Which Fools Are Providentially Drawn For
Their Mutual Destruction.
INTONATION:
Singing Through One's Nose. Considered Highly Desirable
In The Middle Ages.
INVERTED INTERVAL:
When You Have To Back One Bar And Try Again.
INVINCIBLE:
You Can't See It.
IOTA:
Unpaid-For Toyota.
IRANT:
A Seamless Pistachio Nut; A Pistachio Nut Afraid To Come
Out In Public.
IRISHMAN:
A Little Machine That Turns Guiness Into P*ss.
IRONY:
Millie Vanilli On A Karaoke Machine.
IRRELIGION:
The Principal One Of The Great Faiths Of The World.
IRREVERENT:
I Swear To God, You Ask Too Many Questions!
IRRITATING HABIT:
What The Endearing Little Qualities That Initially Attract
Two People To Each Other Turn Into After A Few Months Together.
ISOLATE:
Delayed On Account Of Frozen Roads.
ISORHYTHM:
The Individual Process Of Relief When Vire Is Out Of Town.
ISORHYTHMIC MOTET:
When Half Of The Ensemble Got A Different Photocopy Than The
Other Half
ITALIC:
The Language Spoken By Ancient Italians
JACK:
A Thing That Lifts A Car And Also Keeps It Going.
JACKET BLURB:
Fable Of Contents.
JACKPOT:
When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.
JAUNDICE:
To Include In A Group.
JAW:
A Shark Without As Much Teeth.
JAWJUH:
The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
JAZZ:
1. A Genre Of Music Distinguished By Syncopated Rhythms,
Contrapuntal Ensemble Playing, Improvisation And Players
Who Enjoy Heroin.
2. Songs Without Words, Except Sometimes.
3. Music Marketed To People Who Think They're Better Than You
JEALOUSY:
The Friendship One Woman Shares With Another.
"JEEEEEEEEZ!":
Slang for "Gee Mom, isn't there anything else you can do to
embarrass me in front of my friends?"
JEANS:
Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any
occasion, including church and funerals.
JEWISH DILEMMA:
Free Pork.
JITTERBUG:
A Scotchman In Front Of A Pay Toilet.
JOB:
A State Of Employment Everyone Wants But Few Look Forward To
On A Monday Morning.
JOCULAR:
Of Or Relating To Sports.
JOES OF ARC:
Tiny Drops Of Mr. Coffee That Die On The Burner After
The Pot Is Removed.
JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT:
A Device That Permits The Wife To Beat You To The Draw.
JOINT:
A Location Or Place.
JOSS-STICKS:
Small Sticks Burned By The Chinese In Their Pagan Tomfoolery,
In Imitation Of Certain Sacred Rites Of Our Holy Religion.
JOURNALISM:
The Art Of Simplifying The Complex And Exaggerating The Trivial.
JUDGE:
A Person For Whom Everyday Is A Trying Day.
JUNIOR VARSITY:
The Team That Everybody Supports, But Nobody Goes To Watch.
JUNK:
Something You Need The Day After You Throw It Away.
JURY:
Twelve Men And Women Trying To Decide Which Party Has The Best Lawyer.
JUSTICE:
1. A Commodity Which (In A More Or Less Adulterated Condition) The
State Sells To The Citizen As A Reward For His Allegiance, Taxes,
And Personal Service.
2. A Decision In Your Favor.
LAB:
A Room Full Of Icky, Funny-Looking Creatures And The Dead
Frogs They Dissect.
LABIA MAJORA:
The Curly Gates.
LABOR OVERN:
An Attempt By The Mafia To Get Into Legitimate Businesses.
LABOR PAIN:
Getting Hurt At Work.
LABOR:
One Of The Processes By Which A Acquires Property For B.
LACERATION:
Dainty Material Allotment.
LACTIC:
A Grandfather Clock Which Doesn't Work.
LACTOMANGULATION:
Manhandling The `Open Here' Spout On A Milk Carton So Badly
That One Has To Resort To Using The `Illegal' Side.
LAI:
What Monks Give Up When They Take Their Vows.
LAMB STEW:
Much Ado About Mutton.
LANGUAGE:
1. The Most Important Form Of Intercourse Practiced By Man -
- Next To Sex.
2. A System Which Was Developed To Allow Humanity To Complain
Without Killing Or Maiming.
3. The Music With Which We Charm The Serpents Guarding
Another's Treasure.
LAP:
One Of The Most Important Organs Of The Female System; An
Admirable Provision Of Nature For The Repose Of Infancy, But
Chiefly Used In Rural Festivities To Support Plates Of Cold
Chicken And The Heads Of Adult Males. The Male Of Our Species
Has A Rudimentary Lap, Imperfectly Developed And In No Way
Contributing To The Animal's Substantial Welfare.
LASSO:
The 6th And 5th Steps Of A Descending Scale.
LAUDA:
The Difference Between Shawms And Krummhorns
LAUGHING STOCK:
Cattle With A Sense Of Humor.
LAUNDRY:
A Good Place To Look, If It Is Not To Be Found On The Floor
In The Children's Bedroom.
LAW OF RELATIVITY:
How Attractive A Given Person Appears To Be Is Directly
Proportionate To How Unattractive Your Date Is.
LAWFUL:
Compatible With The Will Of A Judge Having Jurisdiction.
LAWYER:
1. One Who Goes In After The Auditors To Strip The Bodies.
2. One Skilled In The Circumvention Of The Law.
3. The Larval Stage Of Politicians.
4. A Cat Who Settles Disputes Between Mice.
5. One Skilled In Circumvention Of The Law.
6. A Professional Advocate Hired To Bend The Law On Behalf
Of A Paying Client; For This Reason Considered The Most
Suitable Background For Entry Into Politics.
LAZINESS:
1. A Remote Control To Locate Your Other Remote Controls.
2. The Habit Of Resting Before You Get Tired.
3. Unwarranted Repose Of Manner In A Person Of Low Degree.
4. Using A Golf Cart To Play Horseshoes
LAZY WORKER:
The One Who Joined As Many Unions As He Could, To Make Sure
He Was Always On Strike.
LEAD:
A Heavy Blue-Grey Mineral Most Useful In Imparting A Sense
Of Responsibility To Those Who Love Not Wisely But Other
Men's Wives.
LEARNING:
The Kind Of Ignorance Distinguishing The Studious.
LECHER:
A Stud With Liver Spots.
LEFTIES:
The Only People In Their Right Minds.
LEGACY:
A Gift From One Who Is Legging It Out Of This Vale Of Tears.
LEPER:
A Wild Cat.
LEPROUS ETHICS:
Moral Decay.
LESBIAN COCKTAIL LOUNGE:
Her-She Bar.
LESBIAN:
1. Person From The Middle East.
2. A Vagitarian.
3. A Manic Depressive With Illusions Of Gender.
LESBIANS:
Insurmountable Odds.
LESION:
1. A Unit Of Roman Army.
2. Listening To The Teacher
LETTERMEN:
Scholarship Athletes Who Proudly Wear Letter Sweaters
Proclaiming The Vowel Or Consonant They Have Mastered.
LIAR:
A Lawyer With A Roving Commission.
LIBERAL ARTS GRADUATE:
Someone Who Can Say `I Will Work For Food' In
Two Or More Languages.
LIBERAL ARTS:
See: `Would You Like Fries With That?'
LIBERAL:
A Conservative Who's Been Arrested.
Too Poor To Be A Capitalist, Too Rich To Be A Communist.
LIBERTY:
1. One Of Imagination's Most Precious Possessions.
2. Imaginary State Of Being Esp. With Americans
LIFE INSURANCE:
A Plan That Keeps You Poor All Your Life So You Can Die Rich.
LIFE:
1. A Terminal, Sexually Transmitted Disease.
2. A Sexually Transmitted Disease Which Afflicts Some People
More Severely Than Others.
3. A Very Poor Substitute For The Truth, But The Only One
Discovered To Date.
4. Something To Do When You Can't Get To Sleep.
5. What Happens To You While You Are Making Other Plans.
LIGHT YEAR:
A Regular Year With Less Calories.
LIMBO:
Place Where Arms And Legs Go When They Die.
LINGO:
Japanese Beatle.
LINGUIST:
1. A Talented Fellow Who Has Mastered The Ability To Make
Mistakes In More Than One Language.
2. A Person Who Can Be Misunderstood In Many Languages
LIPSTICK:
Another Kind Of Foreplay.
LIQUIDATED DAMAGES:
A Penalty For Failing To Achieve The Impossible.
LIQUOR:
Helix.
LITIGATION:
A Machine Which You Go Into As A Pig And Come Out Of As
A Sausage.
LITTLE LEAGUER:
Peanut Batter.
LIVER:
A Large Red Organ Thoughtfully Provided By Nature To Be
Bilious With.
LIZZY BORDEN:
The Original Hacker.
LOAFER:
Someone Trying To Make Two Weekends Meet.
LOBSTER:
A Great Excuse For Eating A Pound Of Butter.
LOCOMOTIVE:
A Crazy Reason For Doing Something.
LOCUS:
Little Insects.
LODGECOMBING:
Final Reconnaissance Before Vacating A Motel Room.
LOG IN:
Constipated.
LOG OUT:
Sweet Relief.
LOGIC:
The Art Of Being Wrong With Confidence.
LOIN:
Not Fat.
LONGA:
The Time Between Visits With Vire.
LOOMLIES:
Jockey Shorts That Have Lost Their Elasticity.
LOOTING:
A Public Shopping Spree Generously Sponsored By Local
Merchants In The Wake Of A Riot.
LORP:
The Part Of The Shoe That Collapses When You Try To Pull
It On Without A Shoehorn.
LOSCHMIDT'S NUMBER:
(415) 767-1678
LOSER:
A Guy That Has A Wet Dream And Wakes Up Next Morning With V.D.
LOTTERY:
1. A Tax On People Who Are Bad At Math.
2. The Equivalent Of Betting That The Next Pope Will Be From
Duluth, Or That The Parrot In The Pet Store Window Speaks
Flemish.
LOUNGE:
Any Area In A Dorm, Union Or Classroom Building Where The Only
Furniture That Isn't Soiled, Ripped Or Scarred Is Immediately
Stolen.
LOUSY BASTARD:
One Who Sits And Scratches Himself While His Father And Mother
Are Being Married.
LOVE AT 1ST SIGHT:
What Occurs When Two Extremely Horny, But Not Entirely Choosy
People Meet.
LOVE OF MONEY:
The Root Of All Evil.
LOVE PIRATE:
A Mug Who Gets His Face Slapped When He Starts Looking
For Buried Treasure.
LOVE SEATS:
What Fanny Fanatics Do.
LOVE TRIANGLE:
Is A Relationship That Usually Ends In A Wreck-Tangle.
LOVE:
1. A Temporary Insanity Curable Either By Marriage Or By
Removal Of The Patient From The Influences Under Which He
Incurred The Disorder. It Is Sometimes Fatal, But More
Frequently To The Physician Than The Patient.
2. Sharing Whatever You've Got With Whomever You're
Getting It From.
3. The Warm Feeling You Get Towards Someone Who Meets
Your Neurotic Needs.
4. The Only Game That Is Not Called On Account Of Darkness.
5. Two Vowels, Two Consonants, Two Fools.
6. The Most Slippery Word In The Human Language -- Used By
Knaves To Seduce, By Fools For Comfort, And By Most Men To
Placate The Female Of The Species.
LOW BIDDER:
A Contractor Who Is Wondering What He Left Out.
LOW BLOW:
A Dwarf Performing Fellatio.
LOW-BRED:
`Raised' Instead Of Brought Up.
LSD:
Virtual Reality Without The Expensive Hardware.
LUMBER YARD:
The Only Place Where They're Happy When Business Is
Come See, Come Saw.
LUMINARY:
One Who Throws Light On A Subject; As A Reporter, By
Not Writing About It.
LUNG CANCER:
One Of The Few Known Cures For Smoking
LUNIVERSITY:
A College For Crazy People
LYMPH NODE:
Where Special Fairy Lives.
LYMPH:
A Special Fairy.
M:
Single Chocolate Candy Eaten At A Fritz Lang Film.
MACADAM:
First Man Born In Scotland.
MACE:
A Staff Of Office Signifying Authority. Its Form, That Of
A Heavy Club, Indicates Its Original Purpose And Use In
Dissuading From Dissent.
MACHINATION:
The Method Employed By One's Opponents In Baffling One's
Open And Honorable Efforts To Do The Right Thing.
MACHO:
Jogging Home From A Vasectomy.
MAD:
Affected With A High Degree Of Intellectual Independence.
MAGGIT:
A Subscription Card That Falls From A Magazine.
MAGNAGRAM:
Any Sign That Takes On A New Meaning When A Magnetic Letter
Falls Off.
MAGNET:
1. Something Acted Upon By Magnetism Magnetism,
N: Something Acting Upon A Magnet. The Two Definition
Immediately Foregoing Are Condensed From The Works Of
One Thousand Eminent Scientists, Who Have Illuminated
The Subject With A Great White Light, To The
Inexpressible Advancement Of Human Knowledge.
2. Something You Find Crawling On A Dead Cat.
MAGNOCARTIC:
Any Automobile That, When Left Unattended, Attracts
Shopping Carts.
MAGPIE:
A Bird Whose Thievish Disposition Suggested To Someone That
It Might Be Taught To Talk.
MAIDEN:
A Young Person Of The Unfair Sex Addicted To Clueless Conduct
And Views That Madden To Crime. The Genus Has Wide Geographical
Distribution, Being Found Wherever Sought And Deplored Wherever
Found. The Maiden Is Not Altogether Unpleasing To The Eye, Nor
(Without Her Piano And Her Views) Insupportable To The Ear,
Though In Respect To Comeliness Distinctly Inferior To The
Rainbow, And, With Regard To The Part Of Her That Is Audible,
Beaten Out Of The Field By The Canary -- Which, Also, Is More
Portable.
MAINTENANCE-FREE:
When It Breaks, It Can't Be Fixed.
MAJOR INTERVAL:
A Long Time;
MAJOR OPERATION:
A Job For The Major.
MAJOR SCALE:
What You Say After Chasing Wild Game Up A Mountain:
"Whew! That Was A Major Scale!"
MAJOR:
Area Of Study That No Longer Interests You.
MAJORITY:
That Quality That Distinguishes A Crime From A Law.
MALARIA:
Several Shopping Stores.
MALE MENOPAUSE:
Change Of Wife.
MALE:
A Member Of The Unconsidered, Or Negligible, Sex.
The Male Of The Human Race Is Commonly Known (To
The Female) As Mere Man. The Genus Has 2 Varieties:
Good Providers And Bad Providers.
MALEFACTOR:
1. The Chief Factor In The Progress Of The Human Race.
2. Y Chromosome.
MALIBUGALOO:
A Dance That Affects Barefoot Beach Goers On Hot Summer
Days.
MAMMARY:
The Ability To Recollect The Past
MAMOGRAM:
A Telegram To Mom.
MAN:
1. An Animal So Lost In Rapturous Contemplation Of What
He Thinks He Is As To Overlook What He Indubitably Ought
To Be. His Chief Occupation Is Extermination Of Other
Animals And His Own Species, Which, However, Multiplies
With Such Insistent Rapidity As To Infest The Whole
Habitable Earth And Canada.
2. A Creature Made At The End Of A Week's Work When God
Was Tired.
MANDRILL:
Country-Western Singing Monkey.
MANIAC:
An Early Computer Built By Nuts...
MANIC DEPRESSIVE:
1. A Man Pressed Down To The Floor.
2. A Person Whose Philosophy Is: Easy Glum, Easy Glow.
MANICHEISM:
The Ancient Persian Doctrine Of An Incessant Warfare
Between Good And Evil. When Good Gave Up The Fight,
The Persians Joined The Victorious Opposition.
MANICURIST:
Someone Who Makes Money Hand Over Fist.
MANILLIUM:
The Lifespan Of The Clasp On A Manila Envelope Before
It Breaks Off And Dies.
MANUAL:
1. A Unit Of Documentation. There Are Always Three Or
More On A Given Item. One Is On The Shelf; Someone Has
The Others. The Information You Need In In The Others.
2. Occurring Once A Year
MARINE:
A Foot Powered, Beer Cooled, Green, Amphibious Animal
That Thrives On War And Killing, Cannot Function In
Groups Of Less Than Four (A Fire Team), And Has A
Collective I.Q. Six Points Below Plant Life.
MARITAL DIFFICULTIES:
It's Not The Institution, Its The Personnel.
MARRIAGE:
1. A Ceremony Where The Grocer Acquires An Account The
Florist Once Had.
2. A Ceremony In Which A Woman Gives The Best Years Of
Her Life To The Man Who Made Them.
3. A Process Whereby Love Ripens Into Vengeance.
4. An Investment That Pays You Dividends If You Pay Interest.
5. Oceans Of Emotions Surrounded By Expanses Of Expenses.
6. A Very Expensive Way To Get Your Laundry Done Free.
7. A Rest Period Between Romances.
8. The Sole Cause Of Divorce.
9. A Trip Between Niagara Falls And Reno.
10. The Process Of Finding Out What Kind Of Person Your
Spouse Would Have Really Preferred.
11. Is Not A Word; It Is A Sentence.
12. The Triumph Of Imagination Over Intelligence.
13. The Evil Aye.
14. The State Or Condition Of A Community Consisting Of A
Master, A Mistress, And Two Slaves, Making (In All) Two.
15. The Mourning After The Knot Before...
MARTINET:
A Rigid Line Judge
MASOCHIST:
Runs Windows Using Minimum Requirements
MASON AND DIXON LINE:
The Division Between `You-All' And `Youse-Guys.'
MASSEUR:
A Limberjack
MASTURBATION:
1. Your Father Can Handle That Question.
2. A Solo Played On A Private Organ.
3. He Human Version Of Autoexec.Bat.
MASTURBATOR:
Used To Catch Big Fish.
MATERNITY CLOTHES:
What A Pregnant Woman Wears To Show People There's A
Reason She's Fat.
MATERNITY DRESS:
1. A Kind Of Magic Garment That Makes The Heir Unapparent.
2. A Slip Cover.
MATH ANXIETY:
An Intense Lifelong Fear Of Two Trains Approaching Each
Other At Speeds Of 60 And 80 Mph.
MATRIMONY:
The Splice Of Life.
MATURITY:
The Ability To Stand For A Lot And Fall For Little.
MAUSOLEUM:
The Final And Funniest Folly Of The Rich.
MAYHEM:
Indecision As To Spring Skirt Length.
MAYOR:
A Female Horse.
McMONIA:
(Chemical Symbol Mc) Noxious Gas Created By Fast-Food
Employee Mopping Under Your Table While You're Eating.
ME:
The Objectional Case Of `I'. The Personal Pronoun In
English Has Three Cases, The Diminutive, The Objectional,
And The Oppressive. Each Is In All Three.
MEALS:
Those Things Which Mom And Dad Eat, And Which The Kids
Inhale.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used To Open And Slice Through The Contents Of Cardboard
Cartons Delivered To Your Front Door; Works Particularly
Well On Boxes Containing Convertible Tops Or Tonneau Covers.
MEDICAL STAFF:
Doctor's Cane.
MEDICARE:
A Partial Care.
MEDICINE CHEST:
Drugstore Without Sandwiches.
MEDIEVAL:
Partly No Good.
MEEKNESS:
Uncommon Patience In Planning A Revenge That Is Worthwhile.
MEETING:
An Assembly Of People Coming Together To Decide What Person
Or Department Not Represented In The Room Must Solve A Problem.
MEGAHERTZ:
1. A Very Large Car Rental Company.
2. One Million Aches And Pains.
MELANCHOLY:
Cross Between Lassie And A Cantalope.
MELANESIA:
Loss Of Memory In Cantaloupes And Honeydews.
MELODIC MINOR:
Loretta Lynn's Singing Dad.
MEMORY DUMP:
Amnesia...
MEMORY:
The Thing I Forget With.
MEN:
Children With Paycheques.
MENDACIOUS:
Addicted To Rhetoric.
MENINGITIS:
Getting A Man.
MENSTRUAL CYCLE:
Bloody Vehicle For Men.
MENSTRUATION:
Male Model Display.
MERCY:
An Attribute Beloved Of Detected Offenders.
MESH:
The Tangled Web We Weave When We Drink Too Much.
MESSIAH:
An Oratorio By Handel Performed Every Christmas By Choirs
That Believe They Are Good Enough, In Cooperation With
Musicians Who Need The Money.
METALLURGIST:
A Man Who Can Take One Look At A Platinum Blonde And
Tell Whether She Is Virgin Metal Or Common Ore.
METALLURGY:
Jewelry Rash.
METER MAID:
1. A Person Who Always Does A Fine Day's Work.
2. Windshield Viper.
METRONOME:
1. A Dwarf Who Lives In The City.
2. Alaska's On-Time Subway System
METROPOLIS:
A Stronghold Of Provincialism.
MICROFICHE:
Extremely Small French Fish.
MICROTREK:
Any Nervous Trip To The Microwave Oven To Make Sure The
Food Hasn't Incinerated.
MICROTS:
The Two Thumbnail-Sized Pieces You End Up With When Trying
To Remove A Paper Towel In A Public Washroom.
MICROWAVE OVEN:
Space-Age Kitchen Appliance That Uses The Principle Of Radar
To Locate And Immediately Destroy Any Food Placed Within The
Cooking Compartment.
MICROWAVE:
1. Signal From A Friendly Micro...
2. Wave From A Midget...
3. Form Of Greeting, Popular In Silicon Valley.
MIDDLE AGE:
1. When Your Past Is Past, Or Those Folks 10 Years Older
Than You Are.
2. With Any Luck I'll Outgrow It.
MIDNIGHT OIL:
What You Make Popcorn In.
MIDRIFF:
Improvised Jazz Solo Within A Song.
MIDWIFE:
Second Wife In Three Marriages.
MIGRAINE:
What A Russian Farmer Can At Last Say About His Harvest
MILITARY:
Having Middle Class People Give Money And Jobs To Republicans.
MILLIHELEN:
The Amount Of Beauty Required To Launch One Ship.
MIMOIDS:
People Addicted To The Smell Of Newly Mimeographed Test
Papers.
MINARET:
A 19th Century Dance In Three-Four Time
MINE:
Belonging To Me If I Can Hold Or Seize It.
MINIM:
The Time You Spend With Vire When There Is A Long Line.
Breve: The Time You Spend When The Line Is Short.
MINISKIRT:
Hemme Fatale.
MINISTER:
A Travel Agent For The Straight And Narrow.
MINNESINGER:
A Boy Soprano Or Mickey's Girlfriend In The Opera.
MINOR INTERVAL:
A Few Bars;
MINOR OPERATION:
Coal Digging.
MINOR THIRD:
Your Approximate Age And Grade At The Completion Of
Formal Schooling.
MINOR:
Less Objectionable.
MINUET:
1. A 60-Second Dance.
2. Sixty Seconds
MINUSCULE:
Kindergarten
MINUTE:
That Period Of Time In Which, After Keeping Your Spouse
Waiting For An Hour, While You Just Finish Up On The
Computer.
MINUTEMAN:
1. A Fellow Who Double Parks In Front Of A House Of Ill Repute.
2. One Who Double Parks While He Visits A Sporting House.
3. Tom Thumb.
MIRACLE DRUG:
Any Medicine You Can Get The Kids To Take Without Screaming.
MIRACLE:
1. The Birth Of A Baby.
2. The Fact That You Lived To Tell About It.
3. An Act Or Event Out Of The Order Of Nature And Unaccountable,
As In Beating A Normal Hand Of Four Kings And An Ace With Four
Aces And A King.
4. Needed To Get To The Top When Boss Is Childless.
MISCARRIAGE:
Shooting At And Missing A Baby Buggy.
MISCORDANCE:
The Principle That States: When Reaching For Drape Cords,
You Will Always Tug On The Wrong One.
MISER:
Someone Who Earns Money The Hoard Way.
MISERY:
1. When Your Girlfriend Finds Out Your Wife Is Pregnant.
2. The Sinking Feeling You Get When Introduced To The Person
Your Roomie Fixed You Up With Because `The Two Of You Are So
Much Alike'.
MISFORTUNE:
The Kind Of Fortune That Never Misses.
MISNOMER:
The Right Name For The Wrong Word.
MISS:
A Title With Which We Brand Unmarried Women To Indicate That
They Are In The Market.
MISTAKE:
1. Something A Virgin And A Parachutist Can Only Make Once.
2. The Unmarried Daughter Of Mr. Stake.
MISTRESS:
Something Between A Mister And A Mattress.
MISUNDERSTOOD HUSBAND:
One Whose Wife Really Understands Him.
MITTSQUINTER:
A Ballplayer Who Looks Into His Glove After Missing The
Ball, As If, Somehow, The Cause Of The Error Lies There.
MIXED DOUBLES:
Renee Richard And Martina Navratolova...
MIXED EMOTIONS:
Watching your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your
brand new Mercedes/Cadillac/BMW...
MOB VIOLENCE:
A Riot By People You Disagree With.
MOBILE:
Cultural Center Of The Universe...
MOCCASINS:
Imitations Of Real Transgressions.
MODEM:
How A Southerner Asks For Seconds...
MODERN ART:
What Happens When Painters Stop Looking At Girls And
Persuade Themselves That They Have A Better Idea.
MODESTY:
1. Being Comfortable That Others Will Discover Your Greatness.
2. That Self-Confident Feeling That The World Already Knows Or
Will Soon Find Out.
MOLASSES:
Additional Girls.
MOMENTUM:
What You Give A Person When They Are Going Away.
MONDAY:
1. In Christian Countries, The Day After The Ball Game.
2. The Potholes In The Road Of Life...
MONEY LENDER:
A Person Who Takes A Lot Of Interest In His Work.
MONEY:
1.What Things Run Into And People Run Out Of.
2.What We Spend For Luxuries And Owe For Necessities.
MOOCH:
Sound Made By A Begging Cow.
MOPEEPS:
People Compelled To Look Through The Curtain Opening Of
Your Motel Room As They Pass By.
MORAINE:
Typical Springtime Weather Forecast.
MORAL:
1. Conforming To A Local And Mutable Standard Of Right.
2. Having The Quality Of General Expediency.
MORBID:
Higher Offer.
MORE:
The Comparative Degree Of Too Much.
MORNING THICKNESS:
That Pesky Morning Hard-On.
MORNING:
The Time Of Day When The Rising Generation Retires, And
The Retiring Generation Arises.
MOSQUITO:
A Flying Hypodermic Needle.
MOTET:
Where You Meet Vire If The Cloister Is Guarded.
MOTHER:
A Woman Whose Life Is Disorganized Around Her Children.
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
Crabapple On The Family Tree.
MOTHER'S DAY:
Nine Months After Father's Day.
MOTODRIFT:
The Mistaken Belief At A Stoplight That Your Car Is Moving
Backwards When, Actually, The Car Next To You Is Moving
Forward.
MOUNT EVEREST:
28,928 Feet.
MOUNTAIN CLIMBER:
A Man Who Always Wants To Take Just One More Peak.
MOUNTAINEER:
Someone Who Always Wants To Take One More Peak.
MOUSE:
1. An Elephant Built By The Japanese.
2. A Cat-Toy Which Brinks On The Cheesy.
MOUSTACHE:
Flow Through Buffer For Dinner
MOUTH:
1. In Man, The Gateway To The Soul; In Woman, The Outlet Of
The Heart.
2. The Grocer's Friend, The Dentist's Fortune, The Orator's
Pride, And The Fool's Trap.
MOZZALASTICS:
Large Deposits Of Cheese That Stick To The Top Of The Pizza Box.
MU:
Sound Made By A Greek Kitten.
MUCOID:
Booger.
MUCUS:
Not Quite In Focus.
MUDHOLE:
See Front Yard.
MUGGER:
A Benevolent Citizen Of The Streets Who Frequently Spares The
Lives Of Total Strangers In Exchange For Any Cash And Valuables
In Their Possession.
MULE BARBECUE:
Where Everybody Gets A Piece Of Ass.
MULLIGAN:
Free Shot Taken When Your Drive Doesn't Go Past The
Women's Tee.
MULTITASKING:
Screwing Up Several Things At Once.
MUMBO JUMBO:
Ritual Elephant Worship.
MUMMER:
Dead Egyptian Actor.
MUMMY:
An Egyptian Pressed For Time.
MUNTS:
A Calendar Division.
MUSICA FICTA:
When You Lose Your Place And Have To Bluff Till You Find
It Again. Also Known As `faking'.
MUSICAL CHAIRS:
Rockers.
MUSTGO:
Any Item Of Food That Has Been Sitting In The Refrigerator
So Long It Has Become A Science Project.
MY LEFT FOOT:
Low Tech Trash Compactor.
MYTHOLOGY:
The Body Of A Primitive People's Beliefs Concerning Its
Origin, Early History, Heroes, Deities And So Forth, As
Distinguished From The True Accounts Which It Invents Later.
NARCISSISM:
Before I Answer, Tell Me, Don't I Look Great?
NARCOLEPULACY:
The Contagious Action Of Yawning, Causing Everyone In
Sight To Also Yawn.
NAVEL:
A Place To Stash Your Gum On The Way Down.
NECESSITY:
Something You Can Get Along Without To Buy Something You
Simply Must Have.
NECROPHILIA:
1. Dead Boring.
2. Dropping In For A Cold One.
NEGATILE:
The Area Of A Bathroom Floor Where, Somehow, The Scale
Registers You Five Pounds Lighter.
NEGOTIATING:
The Art Of Persuading Your Opponent To Take The Nice
Shiny Copper Penny And Give You The Wrinkled Old Paper
Money.
NEIGHBOR:
A Person Very Often Quite Willing To Call The Orkin Man
And Sick Him On Your Children.
NEOICE:
Any Ice Cube Removed Before Its Time That, Upon Close
Examination, Resembles A Carpenter's Level.
NEONPHANCY:
A Fluorescent Light Bulb Struggling To Come To Life.
NERVOUS:
Asking Which Wine Goes Best With Fingernails.
NEUMATIC MELISMA:
A Bronchial Disorder Caused By Hockets.
NEUMS:
Renaissance Midgets
NEURASTHENIC:
A Person Who Is Always On Pins And Needles.
NEUROTIC:
Sane But Unhappy About It.
NEUTRON PEAS:
Tiny Objects In A Tv Dinner That Remain Frozen Even
When The Rest Of The Food Has Been Micro Waved Beyond
Recognition.
NEWSFLASH:
Headless Body Found In Topless Bar...
NEWSPAPER:
A Collection Of Half-Injustices
NICKNAME:
Generally, Your Own Name With The Suffix `Ster' Attached
In A Forced Awkward Attempt At Familiarity. For Example,
`Bobster,' `Hankster' Or `Georgester'.
NIGHT PORTER:
Someone Who Can Earn A Living Without Doing A Days Work.
NITRATE:
1. About L15 Per Hour
2. Cheaper Than A Day Rate.
NO:
The Response That Guys Who Will Spend Most Of Their Time
In The Gym Lifting Weights Might Put On A True/False Test.
NOCTURNUGGETS:
Deposits Found In One's Eyes Upon Awakening In The Morning,
Also Called Eyehocky.
NODE:
Was Aware Of.
NOEL COWARD:
One Who Is Afraid Of Christmas.
NOISE:
1. A Stench In The Ear. Undomesticated Music. The Chief
Product And Authenticating Sign Of Civilization.
2. Two Skeletons Making Love On A Tin Roof.
NON_JUDGMENTAL:
Blaming Society.
NON-COMBATANT:
A Dead Quaker.
NOSTALGIA BUFF:
One Who Finds The Past Perfect And Present Tense.
NOSTALGIA:
1. The Good Old Days Multiplied By A Bad Memory...
2. Trimming The Christmas Tree With Popcorn Made In The
Microwave Oven.
NOTHING:
A Man With An Erection Who Walks Into A Wall And Breaks
His Nose.
NOVEMBER:
The Eleventh Twelfth Of A Weariness.
NOW:
A Moment In Time That Has Already Passed.
NUDE MODELS:
The Reason For Your Sudden Interest In Art.
NUMBER:
Get Her Real Drunk.
NUMISMATIST:
Coinnoisseur.
NUN:
A Woman Who Ain't Never Had None, Don't Want None, And
Ain't Going To Get None.
NURGE:
To Inch Closer To A Stoplight Thinking That Will Cause
It To Change Quicker.
NURSE:
A Pan Handler.
NURSERY:
A Place To Park Last Years Fun Until It Grows Up A Bit.
NUTRITION:
A Good Nut A Day Keeps The Doctor Away.
NYMPHOMANIA:
Aye Trouble; One Disease Where The Patient Enjoys Being
Bedridden
NYMPHOMANIAC:
1. A Girl That Can Only Count Up To Sex...
2. A Man's Term For A Woman Who Wants To Have Sex More
Often Than He Does.
PAJAMAS:
Items Of Clothing That Newly-Weds Place Beside The Bed
In Case Of Fire.
PAN HANDLER:
Nurse.
PANIC:
The Second Time You Can't Do It The First Time.
PANSY PROCTOLOGIST:
A Doctor Who Can Pack Your Hemorrhoids With Both His Hands
On Your Shoulders.
PANSY:
One Who Likes His Vice-Versa.
PAP TEST:
Used To Determine Fatherhood
PAPER CLIP:
Larval Stage Of Coat Hanger.
PAPER:
Your Rendering Of The Cliff Notes.
PAPOOSE:
Consolation Prize For Taking A Chance On An Indian Blanket.
PAPSMEAR:
Fatherhood Test.
PAR:
What A Golf Addict's Children Call Their Father.
PARACHUTING:
Jumping To Contusions.
PARADIGM:
Place Of Great Luxury And Happiness
PARADOX:
1. A Very Small Medical Group.
2. A Very Small Marina.
3. A Couple Of Quacks
PARALELL ORGANUM:
Everybody Standing In A Double Line, Waiting For
Vire.
PARANOID:
1. Someone Who Just Figured Out What's Going On.
2. You Probably Think I Don't Know The Answer, Do You?
PARATROOPER:
A Drop Out.
PARDROBE:
A Professional Golfer's Clothing.
PARENT:
1. A Person Able To Supply Toilet Paper From Nowhere On
Instant Demand.
2. People Who B E A R Infants, B O R E Teenagers,
And B O A R D Newlyweds.
PARKING LOT:
A Place Where Arguments Start From Scratch...
PARKING METER:
A Piggy Bank On A Hitching Post.
PARKING SPACE:
An Area That Vanishes As You Make A U-Turn.
PASSING TONE:
Frequently Heard Near The Baked Beans At Family Barbecues.
PASSION:
A Feeling You Feel When You Feel You Are About To Feel A
Feeling You Never Felt Before.
PASTEURISE:
1. Too Far To See
2. Something You See Moving.
PATIENCE:
A Minor Form Of Despair, Disguised As A Virtue.
PAUSE:
A Short Period In An Individual Voice In Which There Should
Be Relative Quiet. Useful When Turning To The Next Page In
The Score, Breathing, Emptying The Horn Of Salvia, Coughing,
Etc. Is Rarely Heard In Baroque Music. Today, The Minimum
Requirements For Pauses In Individual Pieces Are Those Of
The Musicians' Union (Usually One Per Bar, Or 15 Minutes
Per Hour).
PEACE:
In International Affairs, A Period Of Cheating Between Two
Periods Of Fighting.
PEACOCK:
Chicken In Bloom
PEBKAC:
Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair.
PECCARY:
The Place Where Chickens Eat.
PEDAERATION:
Perfect Body Heat Achieved By Having One Leg Under The
Sheet And One Hanging Off The Edge Of The Bed.
PEDESTRIAN:
1. Someone Who Found A Place To Park.
2. The Variable (And Audible) Part Of A Roadway.
PEDIDDEL:
A Car With Only One Working Headlight.
PELVIS:
Cousin Of Elvis.
PENICILLIN:
What You Give The Man Who Has Everything.
PENIS ENVY:
The Desire To Be Pink And Wrinkled And About Four Inches Long.
PENIS:
Musical Organ.
PENTAPLOID:
Jail Newspaper
PEPPIER:
The Waiter At A Fancy Restaurant Whose Sole Purpose Seems
To Be Walking Around Asking Diners If They Want Ground Pepper.
PERFECT FIFTH:
A Full Bottle Of Jack Daniels.
PERFECT PITCH:
The Smooth Coating On A Freshly Paved Road.
PERFECT WIFE:
One Who Is Deaf And Dumb, Over-Sexed, And Owner Of A
Liquor Store.
PERFECT WOMAN:
A Woman Who Can Suck A Golf-Ball (Watermelon) Through
50' Of Garden Hose.
PERFECTION:
That Quality Unique To The Person Your Spouse Could Have
Married.
PERFORMANCE PRACTISE:
Sex Education.
PERFUME:
What A Woman Hopes Will Make Her The Scenter Of Attraction.
PESSIMIST:
1. A Woman Who's Afraid She Won't Be Able To Squeeze Her Car
Into A Very Small Parking Space.
2. An Optimist With Experience.
3. One Who Looks Both Ways Before Crossing A One-Way Street.
PETA:
People For The Eating Of Tasty Animals.
PETER PAN:
A Washbasin In A House Of Ill Repute.
PETONIC:
One Who Is Embarrassed To Undress In Front Of A Household Pet.
PETRIBAR:
Any Sun-Bleached Prehistoric Candy That Has Been Sitting In
The Window Of A Vending Machine Too Long.
PETRIFIED WOOD:
When Pinocchio Get Horny.
PETS:
1. The Chief Cause Of The Neighbors Remarks About Why You Do
Not Take Out A Zoo License.
2. Pure Love Contained In Soft Packages.
PETTING:
A Study In Anatomy In Braille.
PHILANDERER:
Someone Who Has The Two-Time Of His Life.
PHILATELY:
Telling Someone He Is Nice
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally Used To Stab The Lids Of Old-Style Paper-And-Tin
Oil Cans And Splash Oil On Your Shirt; Can Also Be Used,
As The Name Implies, To Round Off Phillips Screw Heads.
PHILOSOPHY:
1. Unintelligible Answers To Insoluble Problems.
2. A Route Of Many Roads Leading From Nowhere To Nothing.
3. A Tagline Longer Than 57 Characters.
4. Unintelligible Answers To Insoluble Problems.
PHILOSOPHY:
A System Of Labeling And Redefining Our Language To Allow
Us To Rescue The Absurd.
PHOBIA:
What You Have Left In A 6-Pack, After You Drink To
PHONE:
Tool For Calling Your Neighbor Chris To See If He Has Another
Hydraulic Floor Jack.
PHONESIA:
The Affliction Of Dialing A Phone Number And Forgetting
Whom You Were Calling Just As They Answer.
PHONOGRAPH:
An Irritating Toy That Restores Life To Dead Noises.
PHOSFLINK:
To Flick A Bulb On And Off When It Burns Out (As If,
Somehow, That Will Bring It Back To Life).
PHOTOGRAPHER:
A Flash Guy.
PHOTON TORPEDO:
Big Man In A Glow In The Dark Condom.
PHOTOYOKEL:
A Person Who Presses The Wrong Button On A Film Camera,
Causing It To Dismantle.
PHYSICIST:
A Man Who Makes Lemonade.
PI:
Something That Is Eaten And Sometimes Thrown.
PIANISSIMO:
"Refill This Beer Bottle".
PICKLE:
A Cucumber Soured By A Jarring Experience.
PIE:
An Advance Agent Of The Reaper Whose Name Is Indigestion.
PIELIBRIUM:
The Point At Which The Crust On A Wedge Of Pie Outweighs
The Filling And Tips It Over.
PIEPUSHERS:
Attendants At Fast Food Restaurants Who, No Matter What You
Order, Try To Unload Apple Or Cherry Turnovers On You.
PIETY:
Reverence For The Supreme Being, Based Upon His Supposed
Resemblance To Man.
PIEWAGON:
The Small Vehicle That Carries Game Pieces Around A Trivial
Pursuit Board.
PIG BEN:
The Huge Time Clock In A Football Stadium.
PIG IRON:
Boar Boner.
PIGSLICE:
The Last Unclaimed Piece Of Pizza That Everyone Is Secretly
Dying For.
PILAF:
What A Stripper Does.
PIMP:
A Crack Salesman; A Nookie Bookie.
PIPE ORGAN:
Plumber's Helper
PIPECLEANER:
A Toothpick With Long Underwear.
PIRACY:
Commerce Without Its Folly-Swaddles, Just As God Made It.
PISTOL:
Pay Toilet.
PITY:
A Failing Sense Of Exemption, Inspired By Contrast.
PIYAN:
(Acronym: `Plus If You Act Now.') Any Item Thrown In On A
Late Night Television Ad.
PLAGIARISM:
Previously Owned Prose.
PLATELET:
A Saucer.
PLEASE:
To Lay The Foundation For A Superstructure Of Imposition.
PLEASURE:
The Least Hateful Form Of Dejection.
PLEBESCITE:
A Popular Vote To Ascertain The Will Of The Sovereign.
PLERUAL:
More Than One
PLUMBER:
A Person Who Comes To Your Home And Asks You If You Own It
Free And Clear, Before He Goes Out To The Truck To Bring In
Tools.
PLUNDER:
To Take The Property Of Another Without The Decent And Customary
Reticence Of Theft. To Effect A Change Of Ownership With The
Candid Concomitance Of A Brass Band. To Wrest The Wealth Of A
From B And Leave C Lamenting A Missed Opportunity.
PMS:
Punish My Spouse!
POCKALANCHE:
Perpetual Action Of Reaching Down To Pick Up An Item Fallen From
A Shirt Pocket, Only To Have Another Item Fall Out.
POCKET:
The Cradle Of Motive And The Grave Of Conscience. In Woman, This
Organ Is Lacking; So She Acts Without Motive, And Her Conscience,
Denied Burial, Remains Ever Alive, Confessing The Sins Of Others.
POET(S):
An Individual So In Love With Language Who Can, For The Sake Of
Art, Survive Any Hardship -- Except A Misprint.
POGROM:
What Runs On A Computer
POISE:
The Ability To Keep Talking While The Other Person Picks Up
The Check.
POLARIND:
The Peeling On A Polaroid Snapshot.
POLICE:
Having Poor People Pay To Have Someone `Beat The Shit Out Them.'
POLICY RESEARCH:
Looking For Statistics To Support The Position You Have
Already Taken.
POLIDENT:
Damaged Parrot.
POLITENESS:
Socially-Accepted Hypocrisies
POLITICS:
1. A Promising Career.
2. A Strife Of Interests Masquerading As A Contest Of Principles.
3. The Conduct Of Public Affairs For Private Advantage.
4. From Greek `Poly' Meaning 'many' And `Ticks', A Small,
Annoying Parasitic Bloodsucker.
4. A Parrot That Has Swallowed A Watch.
POLLYTHEISM:
The Belief That God Is A Parrot. (Pollytheist)
POLYCLINIC:
Hospital For Sick Parakeets.
POLYGON:
A Dead Parrot.
POLYNESIA:
Loss Of Memory In Parrots.
POLYUNSATURATED:
A dry bird.
POP:
1. A Genre Of Music That Openly Courts Popularity, Rather
Than Putting On The Air Of Maintaining Artistic Integrity
While Secretly Trying To Suck Your Wallet Dry.
2. Songs That Stick In Your Head Like An Aural Fishhook That
Will Rip Your Brain Out Of Your Skull If You Don't Sing Along
For A Minimum Of Eight Hours.
3. Music Marketed To Everyone Who Eats, Sleeps, Or Breathes
POP-UP:
Up And Down Again Before You Know It :(
PORCELATOR:
The Hole Near The Rim Of A Bathroom Sink.
PORCUPINE:
Non-Kosher Variety Of Coniferous Tree.
PORNOGRAPHY:
Business Of Making Record Albums.
PORPHYRINS:
Financially-Challenged Acquaintances Who Borrow Money
PORPOISE:
Intention
PORRIDGE:
Thick Oatmeal Rarely Found On American Tables Since Children
Were Granted The Right To Sue Their Parents. The Name Is An
Amalgamation Of The Words `Putrid', `Horrid' And `Sludge'.
PORTAMENTO:
A Foreign Country You've Always Wanted To See.
PORTUGUESE:
A Species Of Geese Indigenous To Portugal.
POSITIVE THINKING:
Self-Improvement Through Self-Deception.
POSITIVE:
Being Mistaken At The Top Of Your Voice.
POSTALPORTS:
The Annoying Windows In Envelopes That Never Line Up And
Have To Cost More!
POSTER:
An Inexpensive Way To Decorate A Dormroom While Making People
Think You've Been To Foreign Lands And Done Things You Never
Have.
POSTHASTE:
The Mailman's Premature.
POSTMAN:
Someone Who Gets The Sack Everytime They Go To Work.
POSTMARK:
His Wife Gets A Hickey.
POSTMASTER:
They Get Out The Handcuffs.
POST-OPERATIVE:
Letter Carrier.
POSTSCRIPT:
They Go For Seconds.
POT CHEESE:
Time To Clean Your Belly Button.
POVERTY:
1. Used Toilet Paper On The Clothesline.
2. A File Provided For The Teeth Of The Rats Of Reform.
POWER:
The Only Narcotic Regulated By The SEC Instead Of The FDA.
PRACTICAL NURSE:
One Who Marries A Rich, Elderly Patient.
PRAISING YOUR WIFE:
Try It, Although It Will Frighten Her At First!
PRAY:
To Ask That The Laws Of The Universe Be Nullified On Behalf
Of A Single Petitioner, Admittedly Unworthy.
PREDICAMENT:
The Wage Of Consistency.
PREDILECTION:
The Preparatory Stage Of Disillusion.
PREGNANCY:
When A Woman Is All Swelled Up From Her Mate's Handywork.
PREGNANT PAUSE:
The Amount Of Time It Takes For A Nine-Month Pregnant
Woman To Get Out Of A Chair.
PREGNANT:
1. A Woman All Swelled Up Over Her Mate's Handiwork.
2. Past Tense Of Virgin.
PREHEAT:
To Turn On The Heat In An Oven For A Period Of Time Before
Cooking A Dish, So That The Fingers May Be Burned When The
Food Is Put In, As Well As When It Is Removed.
PREHISTORIC:
Belonging To An Early Period And A Museum.
PREJUDICE:
1. Weighing The Facts With Your Thumb On The Scale.
2. A Vagrant Opinion Without Visible Means Of Support.
PRE-LAW:
The Major Of One Who Will End Up In Sales.
PREMBLEMEMBLEMATION:
Whenever You Drop A Letter In The Mailbox, You Always
Re-Check To Make Sure It's Gone Down.
PRENATAL:
When Your Life Was Still Your Own.
PREPOSTEROUS:
Large Grey African Animal With One Horn
PREROGATIVE:
A Sovereign's Right To Do Wrong.
PRESCRIPTION:
A Physician's Guess At What Will Best Prolong The
Situation With Least Harm To The Patient.
PRESIDENCY:
The Greased Pig In The Field Game Of American Politics.
PRETZALINE:
The Salt Deposit At The Bottom Of A Bag Of Pretzels.
PRICE:
Value, Plus A Reasonable Sum For The Wear Of Conscience
In Demanding It.
PRIMARY ELECTION:
Where Voters Use Machine To Vote For A Winner Who Will
Probably Lose.
PRINTER:
A Man Of Letters.
PRISM:
1. A Place Where Bad People Are Held.
2. Place for Light Waves Who Commit Minor Refractions
PRIVATE SECRETARY:
A Secretary Who Never Misses A Period.
PROBABLE:
One Who Talks Too Much.
PROCRASTINATION:
1. I'll Tell You Tomorrow.
2. Constantly Reading And Posting Articles To Usenet!
PROCRASTINATOR:
A Fishing Expert, Gifted At Casting Lures...
PROCTOLOGIST:
A Super Duper Pooper Snooper.
PROCTOSCOPE:
A Long Thing You Look Through With An Asshole At Each End.
PROCURE:
Penicillin.
PROFESSIONAL RIVAL:
Someone Who Will Slap You On The Back To Your Face, And
Slap You On The Face Behind Your Back.
PROFESSOR:
1. Someone Who Talks In Somebody Else's Sleep.
2. A Textbook Wired For Sound.
PROFILE:
The Queue Outside The Brothel Door
PROGRAM:
Device to Creatively Turn Input Into Error Messsages
PROJECT MANAGER:
The Conductor Of An Orchestra In Which Every Musician
Is In A Different Union.
PROLATION:
Precautions Taken Before The Lai.
PROOF:
Evidence Having A Shade More Of Plausibility Than Of
Unliklihood. The Testimony Of Two Credible Witnesses
As Opposed To That Of Only One.
PRORATE:
Her Fee.
PROSTATE:
1. Flat On Your Back.
2. State Where Hookers Are Legal.
PROSTITUTES:
Busy Bodies.
PROTEIN:
1. An Adolescent Specialist
2. In Favor Of Young People.
PROTEST:
In Favor Of Examines.
PROTON:
A Fat Prostitute.
PROTRUDE:
An Impolite One.
PROUD PARENTS:
A Man And Woman, Father And Mother, Who Feel Sure
That The Retail Outlet Clerk Is Not Talking About
Their Child!
PROVERB:
A Short Sentence Based On Long Experience.
PRUDE:
A Bawd Hiding Behind The Back Of Her Demeanor.
PRUNE JUICE:
The Breakfast Of Runners.
PRUNE:
A Plum That Has Seen Better Days.
PSOAS:
In Order That.
P-SPOT:
The Area Directly Above The Urinal In Public Restrooms That
Men Stare At, Knowing A Glance In Any Direction Would Arouse
Suspicion.
PSYCHIATRIST:
1. A Person With Even More Problem Children At Home Who Will
Charge You Even More To Tell You How To Raise Yours.
2. A Trauma Critic.
3. Man Who Profits From Your Worry & Guilt.
4. Someone Who Doesn't Have To Worry As Long As Other
People Do.
PSYCHOANALYST:
One Who Stops You From Worrying About Your Problem And Starts
You Worrying About Your Bill; A Person Who Reads Between The
Lines Even When There Is Nothing There; Someone Who Can Take
Any Simple Problem And Explain It In Language Nobody Can
Understand.
PSYCHOCERAMICS:
The Study Of Crackpots.
PSYCHOLOGIST:
1. A Man Who Watches Everybody Else When A Pretty Girl Enters
The Room.
2. A Person With Problem Children At Home Who Is Going To
Charge Money To Tell You How To Raise Yours.
PSYCHOPATH:
Any Urban Thoroughfare During Rush Hour.
PSYCHOPHOBIA:
The Compulsion, When Using A Host's Bathroom To Peer Behind
The Shower Curtain And Make Sure No One Is Waiting For You.
PSYCIATRIST:
One Who Tries To Find Out Whether An Infant Has More Fun
In Infancy Than An Adult In Adultery.
PUBIC HAIR:
Wild Rabbit.
PUBIC HEIR:
A Fuzzy Son.
PUBLIC INTEREST GROUP:
Politically Organized Liberals.
PUBLIC LIBRARY BUILDING:
The Tallest Building In Town...It Has More Stories Than
Any Other.
PULPULARITY:
Molecular Property Of Newspaper Clippings That Allow Them
To Tear Evenly North To South But Jaggedly East To West.
PUMPKIN:
What People In Kentucky Do.
PUNK:
1. A Genre Of Music Characterized By Speed, Brevity, And
Fans Who See Vomiting As An Acceptable Substitute For A
Handshake.
2. Songs That Manage To Be New Wave And Alternative At
The Same Time.
3. Music Marketed To People Who Don't Enjoy Bathing,
Gargling, Or Human Interaction Of Any Kind.
PUNTATEUCH:
The First Five Bad Jokes In The Bible
PUNTIFICATE:
To Try To Predict In What Direction A Football Will Bounce.
PUPKUS:
The Moist Residue Left On A Window After A Dog Presses Its
Nose To It.
PUPPY LOVE:
1. The Beginning Of A Dog's Life.
2. That Which Always Evolves Into A Dog's Life.
PUPSQUEAK:
The Sound A Yawning Dog Emits When It Opens Its Mouth Too Wide.
PURITAN:
Someone Who Is Deathly Afraid That Someone Somewhere Is
Having Fun.
PURITANISM:
The Haunting Fear That Someone, Somewhere May Be Happy.
PURPITATION:
To Take Something Off The Grocery Shelf, Decide You Don't
Want It, And Then Put It In Another Section.
PURPLE:
A Tortoise That Can Swim
PURRANOIA:
1. The Fear That Your Cat Is Up To Something.
2. The Fear That Cats Are Out To Get You!
PURRING:
Sound Of A Cat Manufacturing Cuteness...
PURRPETUAL MOTION:
A Kitty Playing...
PURRPETUAL:
Everlasting Love For Domesticated Felines...
PURRSON:
A Male Kitty...
PURRVERSE:
Poem About A Strange Kitty...
PURVEY:
The Sound Made By An Overwrought Jewish Cat.
PUSHING:
The Final Effort To Get A Ten-Pound Baby Through An Opening
The Size Of A Dime.
PUSSABILITY:
A Surprised Kitty's `Boing...'
PUSSY-WHIP:
The Dessert Topping For Cats...
PUSSYFOOTING:
Big Toe Sex.
PUSSY-WHIPPED:
Describing Men Of Higher-Intelligence.
PWA:
Airline Service.
PYJAMAS:
Items Of Clothing Newlyweds Place Beside Their Bed In Case
Of Fire.
PYRAMID:
An Organized Pile Of Rocks.
QUADRUPLETS:
When One Goes Into One, One Time, And There's Four To Carry.
QUADRUPLETS:
1. Four Crying Out Loud.
2. When One Goes Into One, One Time, And There's Four To Carry.
QUALITY CONTROL:
The Process Of Testing One Out Of Every 1,000 Units Coming Off
A Production Line To Make Sure That At Least One Out Of 100 Works.
QUALITY OF LIFE:
What An Industrialized Nation Is Said To Offer When Enough Of
Its Citizens Are Suffering From Terminal Stress.
QUARTER TONE:
What Most Standard Pickups Can Haul.
QUARTET:
Four People Who Think The Other Three Can't Sing.
QUAVER:
Beginning Viol Class.
QUICK THINKING:
Offers Plausible Excuses For Errors.
QUICKIE:
No sooner spread than done.
QUORUM:
A Sufficient Number Of Members Of A Deliberative Body To Have
Their Own Way And Their Own Way Of Having It. In The United
States Senate A Quorum Consists Of The Chairman Of The
Committee On Finance And A Messenger From The White House;
In The House Of Representatives, The Speaker And The Devil.
RABBLE:
In A Republic, Those Who Hold Supreme Power Tempered By
Fraudulent Elections.
RABID:
Fast.
RACIAL PREJUDICE:
A Pigment Of Your Imagination.
RACISM:
Belief In The 100-Yard Dash.
RACKETT:
Capped Reeds Class.
RAINBOW:
1. Colors Let Out Of Prism
2. Noah's Arc
RAISIN:
A Worried Grape.
RAMPRIOT:
Free For All That Erupts As Soon As The Stewardess Utters
The Phrase `Please Remain In Your Seats Until The Plane
Has Come To A Complete Stop.'
RAMSHACKLE:
A Chain Used To Tie Up A He-Goat.
RANCH:
A Tool Used For Tight'nin' Bolts.
RANDEL:
A Nonsensical Poem Recited By Irish Schoolboys As An Apology
For Farting At A Friend. - From Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary Of
Unusual, Obscure & Preposterous Words
RAP:
1. A Genre Of Music Characterized By Danceable Beats And
Spoken Nursery Rhymes About Penis Size, Pulling Trains,
Ho's, Bitches And Not Touching Anything.
2. Songs About Living In Poverty Written By Musicians Who
Wear Gold Chains, Drive Expensive Cars And Vote Republican.
3. Music Marketed To People Who Wouldn't Blink At Paying More
Than $200 For A Pair Of Tennis Shoes.
RAPACITY:
Providence Without Industry. The Thrift Of Power.
RAPE:
Seduction Without Salesmanship; Assault With Intent To Please.
RASCAL:
A Fool Considered Under Another Aspect.
RASH:
Insensible To The Value Of Our Advice.
RATIO:
A Veranda For Rodents
RATS:
Entitled Power Or Privilege.
RAY:
The Man Who Buries The Polygons That Ate The Locus In The
Symmetry.
REALITY:
1. An Illusion Produced By Alcohol Deficiency.
2. The Dream Of A Mad Philosopher. The Nucleus Of A Vacuum.
REALLY:
Apparently.
REAR:
In American Military Affairs, That Exposed Part Of The Army
That Is Nearest To Congress.
REASON:
1. Propensitate Of Prejudice.
2. To Weight Probabilities In The Scales Of Desire.
REASONABLE:
Accessible To The Infection Of Our Own Opinions.
REASONING, CIRCULAR:
See Circular Reasoning.
RECIPE:
A Series Of Step By Step Instructions For Preparing
Ingredients You Forgot To Buy, In Utensils You Don't
Own, To Make A Dish The Dog Won't Eat The Rest Of.
RECITATIVE:
A Disease That Monteverdi Had.
RECOLLECT:
To Recall With Additions Something Not Previously Known.
RECONSIDER:
To Seek A Justification For A Decision Already Made.
RECOUNT:
In American Politics, Another Throw Of The Dice, Accorded
To The Player Against Whom They Are Loaded.
RECOVERY ROOM:
Place To Do Upholstery.
RECTAL SPECIALIST:
A Super-Duper Pooper Snooper
RECTUM:
1. Dang Near Killed Him.
2. What Being Up All Night Did To The Students
RECURSIVE:
See Recursive
RED ALERT:
Not This Week, Honey
REDUNDANCY:
An Air Bag In A Politician's Car.
REHABILITATION:
Magic Word Said Before Releasing Criminals.
REHEARSING:
The Act Of Learning, Improving, Or Refining A Skill
While Sweating, Fidgeting, And/Or Swearing.
REJECTION:
1. When Your Imaginary Friends Won't Talk To You.
2. When Your Masturbating Hand Falls Asleep On You.
RELATIVE MAJOR:
An Uncle In The Marine Corps.
RELATIVE MINOR:
A Girlfriend.
RELATIVES:
People Who Come To Dinner Who Aren't Friends.
ReLED:
To Reset All The Digital Clocks In The Household Following
A Power Failure.
RELUCTANT VIRGIN:
One Who Doesn't Want To Be One.
REPARTEE:
Prudent Insult In Retort. Practiced By Gentlemen With
A Constitutional Aversion To Violence, But A Strong
Disposition To Offend.
REPEAT:
What You Do Until They Just Expel You.
REPETITIVE:
I Already Told You The Answer Once Before.
REPORTER:
A Writer Who Guesses His Way To The Truth And Dispels It
With A Tempest Of Words.
REPOSE:
To Cease From Troubling.
RESEARCH:
When You Look For Something Twice.
RESIDENT:
Unable To Leave.
RESOLUTE:
Obstinate In A Course That We Approve.
RESPONSIBILITY:
A Detachable Burden Easily Shifted To The Shoulders Of God,
Fate, Fortune, Luck, Or One's Neighbor. In The Days Of
Astrology, It Was Customary To Unload It Upon A Star.
RESTAURANT CHAINS:
Cook-Alikes
RESTAURANT:
1. The Only Place Where People Are Happy When They're Fed Up.
2. Restaurant Is A Place In Which, The Tenderer The Meat, The
Tougher It Is To Swallow The Check.
RETAIL OUTLET CLERK:
A Person Who Can Tell You More About Your Children Than Any
Parent Really Wants To Hear.
RETALIATION:
The Natural Rock Upon Which Is Reared The Temple Of Law.
RETARD:
To Stop Working.
RETIREMENT:
1. When You Stop Living At Work And Start Working At Life.
2. Twice As Much Husband, Half As Much Money.
3. When You Have Everything To Do On Your Own Time.
REUNION:
When You Meet People Your Own Age Who All Look A Lot Older
Than You.
REVENGE:
A Bastard Punching Holes In A Condom Factory.
REVOLUTION:
Strategic Action By The Under Classes To Have A Party
Paid For By The Under Classes.
REVOLUTIONARY:
An Oppressed Person Waiting For The Opportunity To
Become An Oppressor.
RHEUMATIC:
Amorous.
RHEUMATISM:
1. Nature's First Weather Bureau.
2. Disease Afflicting Studio Apartment Dwellers.
RHUBARB:
Bloodshot Celery
RHUMBA:
An Asset To Music.
RHYTHMIC DRONE:
The Sound Of Many Monks Suffering With Crotchet.
RIOT:
1. A Popular Entertainment Given To The Military By Innocent
Bystanders.
2. The Language Of The Unheard.
RITARD:
There's One In Every Family.
RITORNELLO:
An Opera By Verdi.
ROADRUNNER:
Fast Food
ROBBER:
A Candid Man Of Affairs.
ROBOTS:
Our Steel Collar Workers.
ROCK AND ROLL:
1. A Genre Of Music Identical To Rock, But Associated More
With Rebellion, Antisocial Behavior And Hipness Than The
Status Quo, Political Correctness And Beer Commercials.
2. Songs That You Can Imagine Elvis Presley Singing.
3. Music Marketed To People Who Actually Like Little Eva,
The Stray Cats And Wink Martindale.
ROCK:
1. A Genre Of Music Characterized By Repetitive Structures,
Spare Instrumentation And Lyrics About Cars, Babes, Sex And
Having Sex In Your Car With Babes.
2. A Word That Can Be Used In The Place Of Every Other Musical
Term, Except Maybe Opera, And Sometimes Even That One, Too.
3. Music Marketed To People Who Actually Like Steve Winwood,
Journey, And Grand Funk Railroad.
ROEBINKS:
Those Mysterious Chimes You Always Hear In Department Stores.
ROPE:
An Obsolescent Appliance For Reminding Assassins That They
Too Are Mortal. It Is Put About The Neck And Remains In
Place One's Whole Life Long.
ROSCHE'S LIMIT:
About Three Beers.
ROTA:
An Early Italian Method Of Teaching Music Without Score
Or Parts.
ROTISSERIE:
A Ferris Wheel For Chickens.
ROUGH:
Area On The Course The Landscapers Forgot To Mow.
ROVALERT:
The System Whereby One Dog Can Quickly Establish An Entire
Neighborhood Network Of Barking.
ROYALTY:
Lady Diana Menstruating Blue Blood.
RUBATO:
Expression Used To Describe Irregular Behavior In A
Performer With Sensations Of Angst In The Mating Period.
This Is Especially Common Amongst Tenors.
RUBBAGE:
Large Pieces Of Truck Tire Found On The Side Of The Road.
RUBBER BAND:
Flexible Musicians...
RUMOR:
A Favorite Weapon Of The Assassins Of Character.
RUSH HOUR:
When The Traffic Stands Still.
RUSSIAN:
1. A Person With A Caucasian Body And A Mongolian Soul.
2. A Tartar Emetic.
RUTHLESS:
The Boston Red Sox After 1919.
SACRAL:
Holy
SACRUM:
Something Holy
SADISM:
A Sadist Refusing To Whip A Masochist.
SADIST:
A Masochist Who Follows The Golden Rule.
SAILING:
1. A Form Of Mast Transit.
2. The Fine Art Of Getting Wet And Becoming Ill While Slowly
Going Nowhere At Great Expense.
SAINT:
A Dead Sinner Revisited & Edited.
SANCTA:
Clausula's Husband.
SANDTRAP:
Place Where A Duffer Spends A Lot Of Time -- Along With His
Sandwedge, Beach Towel And Tanning Oil.
SANDWICH:
A Faulty Attempt To Make Both Ends Meat.
SANITARY NAPKIN:
Manhole Cover.
SATISFACTION:
If You Don't Get Everything You Want, Think Of All The
Things You Don't Get That You Don't Want.
SAUCE:
The One Infallible Sign Of Civilization And Enlightenment.
SAUERBRATEN:
Moody Children.
SCABBARD:
Non-Union Poet
SCALPEL:
What Indians Used To Do.
SCANDAL:
A Breeze Stirred Up By A Couple Of Windbags.
SCAR:
Rolled Tobacco Leaf.
SCHNAPPS:
Tries To Bite You.
SCHOOL PLAY STARLET OR STAR:
Your Own Child, Who Portrays The Deck Of A Sinking Ship.
SCHOOL PLAY:
A Socially Recognized Ritual Which Brings Parents Together
In A Gym During The Hottest Of Spring Evenings, When The
Heater For The School Mysteriously Turns On And Runs At
Full Steam.
SCHOOL:
A Place Where Kids Congregate To Observe And Discuss Just
How Dumb Teachers Really Are.
SCORE:
A Pile Of All The Individual Orchestral Voices, Transposed
To C So That Nobody Else Can Understand Anything. This Is
What Conductors Follow When They Conduct, And It's Assumed
That They Have Studied It Carefully. Very Few Conductors
Can Read A Score.
SCOUT LEADER:
Real Proof Positive That God Still Makes Saints!
SCRIBBLICS:
Warm Up Exercises Designed To Get The Ink In A Pen Flowing.
SCRIBELINE:
The Blank Area On The Back Of Credit Cards Where One's
Signature Goes.
SCROTUM:
A Small Planet Near Uranus
SCULPTOR:
A Chip Of The Old Block.
SEABAG:
1. Canvas sack in which a sailor's gear is carried.
2. Aging mermaid.
SECOND MARRIAGE:
The Triumph Of Hope Over Experience.
SECOND TRIMESTER:
The Time When You Ask The Question, "Will My Husband Notice
If I Eat This Gallon Of Ice Cream And Side Of Beef Before
He Gets Home?"
SECRETARY:
1. A Girl Who Can Tell By A Caller's Name Whether Or Not The
Boss Is In.
2. A Girl You Pay To Learn To Type While She's Looking For
A Husband.
SECRETION:
Hiding Something.
SEED:
Past Tense Of "To See".
SEIZURE:
Roman Emperor.
SELF-CENTERED:
Well, I Know The Answer, That's All That Matters.
SELF-ESTEEM:
An Erroneous Appraisal.
SELF-EVIDENT:
Evident To One's Self And To Nobody Else.
SELFISH:
Devoid Of Consideration For The Selfishness Of Others.
SELLA:
Where To Keep Wine
SELLAFIELD:
Sticky Tape
SELMA BOOTIE:
The First Woman Of The Evening.
SEMANTIC:
Of Middle Eastern Origin
SEMEN:
A Sailor.
SEMICONDUCTOR:
Part Time Bandleader...
SEMI-VIRGIN:
A Girl Who Tried It Once And Didn't Like It.
SENTIENCE:
Sequence Of Words Ending With A Dot
SENTRY:
Period Of 100 Years
SEROLOGY:
Study Of Knighthood.
SERUM:
What You Do To Steaks On The Barbecue
SERVELENCE:
The Sudden Lull In Conversation That Occurs At A Table
Diners When The Food Is Served.
SEWERCIDE:
Doing Away With Oneself By Jumping Into A Manhole.
SEX DRIVE:
Trying To Find A Motel That Has A Vacancy.
SEX:
What Comes After Five.
SHALLOWNESS:
The Root Cause Of Chronic Good Health, High School
Popularity, Appearance On The Fiction Bestseller Lists,
And Gainful Employment On Local TV News Broadcasts.
SHOE STORE:
One Of The Few Places Where They Don't Mind If The
Customer Has A Fit.
SHOPLIFTER:
Cost-Of-Living Adjustment Specialist
SHOPPING MALL SECURITY AGENT:
A Person Possessed Of Very Obstinate Conviction That
Retail Outlet Clerk Is An Absurd Optimist.
SHRINK RAP:
A Group Of Psychiatrists Conversing.
SHUGGLEFTULATION:
The Actions Of Two People Approaching, Trying To Get Around
Each Other And Muttering `Thanks For The Dance.'
SICK REPTILE:
An Illigator.
SICK:
Dog Command For Attack.
SILLINESS:
Dinosaur Condoms.
SIMPLISTIC:
An Argument You Disagree With But Can't Answer.
SIN:
Anything The Other Fellow Enjoys And You Don't.
SINE PROPRIETATE:
Cussing In Church.
SINECURE:
Unsure Of Himself
SINGER:
One Who Uses His/Her Voice To Produce Musical Sounds While
Avoiding Laryngitis, Hiccups, And Memory Lapses In The Middle
Of A Performance.
SISSY:
A Man Who Gets Out Of The Bath Tub To Take A Leak.
SIT IN:
When You Sit Down To Stand Up For Your Rights...
SITCOM:
Stands For Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
SKELETON:
A Guy Inside Out With His Outside Off.
SKEPTIC:
One Who Won't Take Know For An Answer.
SKI LIFT:
Stairway To The Scars.
SKIER:
Someone Who Pays An Arm And A Leg To Break Them.
SKIING:
Something You Learn In Many Sittings.
SKINDIVER:
A Mosquito.
SKYDIVER:
A Guy Whose Talks Fall Flat...
SLAM BANG:
Prison Shower Event.
SLANDER:
To Lie About Someone -- Or Tell The Truth.
SLANG:
1. A Language That Takes Off Its Coat, Spits On Its Hands,
And Goes To Work.
2. The One Stream Of Poetry Which Is Continually Flowing
Outward.
SLEEP:
1. That Fleeting Moment Just Before The Alarm Goes Off.
2. A Poor Substitute For Caffeine.
3. Petit Morte (Small Death)
4. What You Do To Pass The Time When A Hockey Game Isn't On.
SLEEPING BAG:
Nap Sack.
SLEEPING:
Temporarily Comatose
SLIDING ZIPPER:
The Last Thing A Girl Hears As A Virgin.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.
SLOB:
Organizationally-Challenged.
SLOGAN:
1. A Good Old American Substitute For The Facts.
2. Our Modern Commercial Replacement For Quality.
3. A Politician's Banner, Often Changed, But Always
Held High Above The Voters Brains.
SLOPWEAVER:
Someone Who Has Mastered The Art Of Repositioning The
Food On His Plate To Give The Appearance Of Having
Consumed A Great Portion Of It.
SLOTGREED:
The Habit Of Checking Every Coin Return One Passes For
Change.
SLOW:
Nudist Climbing Over A Barb-Wire Fence.
SLUGFEST:
An Escargot Cook-Off.
SLURM:
The Slime That Accumulates On The Underside Of A Soap Bar
When It Stands In The Dish Too Long.
SMALL TOWN:
1. A Place Where It's No Sooner Done Than Said.
2. A Place Where The Postmaster Knows More Than The
Schoolmaster, But Not As Much As The Telephone Operator.
SMILE:
1. A Slight Curve That Straightens Things Out.
2. Lighting System Of Face & Heating System Of Heart.
3. Something That Adds To Your Face Value.
SMOKE:
What Comes After Sex.
SMOKERS:
People Who Puff On Cigarettes, Cigars, And Steps.
SMOREPLAY:
What Smurfs Do Before They Smuck.
SNACKMOSPHERE:
The Empty But Explosive Layer Of Air At The Top Of A
Potato Chip Bag.
SNACKTREK:
The Peculiar Habit, When Searching For A Snack, Of Constantly
Returning To A Refrigerator In Hopes That Something New Will
Have Materialized.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER:
Theoretically Useful As A Sandwich Tool For Spreading Mayonnaise;
Used Mainly For Getting Dog-Doo Off Your Boot.
SNEEZING:
Much Achoo About Nothing.
SNORKEL:
A Cross Between A Snore And A Chuckle.
SOB SISTER:
Girl Who Sits On Your Lap And Makes It Hard For You.
SOBER:
A Condition In Which It Is Almost Impossible To Fall In Love
SOCIAL GRACE:
When You Start Out On The Right Foot Rather Than Putting It
In Your Mouth.
SOCIAL TACT:
Making People Feel At Home When You Wish They Were.
SODOMY:
1. Rump Hump.
2. Special Kind Of Fast Growing Grass.
SOLESME:
The State Of Mind After A Rough Case Of Crotchet.
SOLITUDE:
An Out-Of-Buddy Experience.
SONATA:
What you get from a bad cold or hay fever.
SONIC SCREWDRIVER:
A Very Loud Drink Made With Vodka And Orange Juice.
SONOGRAM:
A Telegram From Your Son.
SOPHISTICATION:
Sucking Nipples With A Straw.
SORE:
Glide High In The Air.
SOUL:
1. A Genre Of Gospel-Derived Music That Makes You Want To Get
Down With Your Bad Self.
2. Songs That Make You Want To Get It Up For A Bad Someone-Else.
3. Music Marketed To People Who Want To Get It On With A Bad
Anyone-Else.
SOUTHERN PSYCHIATRIST:
One Who Prefers Freud Chicken.
SOVIET SPY-DANCER:
A Ballet Ruse...
SPAGELLUM:
The Loose Strand On Each Forkful Of Spaghetti That Beats
One About The Chin And Whiskers.
SPAGMUMP:
Any Of The Millions Of Styrofoam Wads That Accompany Mail
Order Items.
SPAM:
Snake Possum And Mole
SPECIAL INTEREST LOBBY:
Politically Organized Conservatives
SPECIALIST:
1. A Doctor Whose Patients Are Expected To Confine Their
Ailments To.
2. A Learned Person Who Can Name A Horse In Nine Languages
And Buys A Cow To Ride.
SPECIMEN:
1. An Italian Astronaut.
2. Guys Who Wear Glasses.
SPEED:
Sticking Your Buttocks Out Of A Third Story Window, Running
Down To The First Floor, And Seeing Your Own Butt Just
Disappear Up Above.
SPINSTER:
A Bachelor's Wife.
SPIROBITS:
The Frayed Bits Of Left-Behind Paper In A Spiral Notebook.
SPIRTLE:
The Fine Stream From A Grapefruit That Always Lands In Your Eye.
SPOOD:
Flat Wooden `Spoon' That Accompanies Ice Cream Cups.
SPORTS NUT:
An Athletic Supporter.
SPOUSE:
Someone Who Will Stand By You Through All The Trouble You
Wouldn't Have Had If You'd Stayed Single In The First Place.
SPREAD EAGLE:
An Extinct Bird.
SPRING FEVER:
When The Iron In Your Blood Turns To Lead In Your Pencil.
SPRING:
A Time When Boys Feel Gallant And Girls Feel Buoyant.
SPROUT LINES:
Visible Lines At The Bottom Of Trouser Legs Where The
Hems Have Been Let Down.
SPUDRUBBLE:
Unclaimed French-fries At The Bottom Of A Fast Food Bag.
SQUAFFELS:
The Individual Squares Comprising A Waffle.
SQUATCHO:
The Button At The Top Of A Baseball Cap.
SQUATFLECTION:
The Distorted Reflection In A Car Window That Makes
You Resemble A Midget Wrestler.
SQUATIC DIVERSION:
Any Pretended Activity That Commands A Dog Owner's
Attention While The Dog Relives Itself On A Neighbors Lawn.
STABBING:
Social Surgery
STACCATO:
How You Did All The Ceilings In Your Mobile Home.
STAGE FRIGHT:
The Unreasonable Fear Of Performing For An Audience That
Is Only Waiting To Heckle, Jeer, Humiliate, And Mutilate
You For Anything Less Than A Perfect Performance.
STAGNATION:
A Country Without Women.
STALL:
Technique For Explaining Why The Payment's Late.
STAR:
A Performer Who Makes More Than His Or Her Agent.
STARBOARD WINE:
Wine For Right Handed Sailors.
STAT:
Info On Baseball Cards.
STATE-OF-THE-ART:
Soon-To-Be-Obsolete.
STATISTICS:
Regular Numbers Looking For An Argument.
STEPINS:
A Ladies Last Line Of Defence; They Go On Easily But
Must Be Coaxed Off.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
A Real Jerk.
STIMULANT:
Wad Of Hundred Dollar Bills.
STOCKBROKER:
A Man Who Can Take A Bankroll And Run It Into A Shoestring.
STOPS:
Something Bach Did Not Have On His Organ.
STORK:
1. A Bird That Is Frequently Called To Account For Misdemeanors
Which Should Really Be Blamed On A Lark.
2. The Bird That Had None Of The Fun In Bringing The Babies.
STRAIN:
Teeth Marks On A Toilet Bowl Rim.
STRATEGIC WITHDRAWAL:
Contraceptive Technique.
STRAW POLL:
GOP Fund-Raising Technique.
STREPTOCOCCUS:
A Boastful But Impotent Lecher.
STRIKE:
An Effort To Increase Egg Production By Strangling The Chicken.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.
STROODLE:
The Annoying Strand Of Cheese Stretching From A Slice Of Hot
Pizza To One's Mouth.
STUD HORSE:
A Nag That's Too Hot To Trot.
STURP:
To Pin Down A Runaway Piece Of Paper Or Currency With One's
Foot Before The Wind Blows It Away.
SUBATOMIC TOASTICLES:
Tiny Fragments Of Toast Left Behind In The Butter.
SUBPOENA:
From The Root `Sub', Below, And The Latin `Poena' For Male
Organ Or Penis. Therefore, `Below The Penis' Or `By The Balls.'
SUCCESS:
1. The Ability To Make Money Enough To Meet Obligations You
Wouldn't Have If You Didn't Make So Much Money.
2. The Art Of Making Your Mistakes When Nobody's Looking.
3. If You Tried To Do Something And Failed, You Are Far Better
Off Than If You Had Done Nothing And Succeeded.
4. The One Unpardonable Sin Against One's Fellows.
SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE:
One In Which The Couple Has A Prayer Book, A Check Book,
And A Cook Book.
SUCCUMB:
Blow Job.
SUIT OF ARMOR:
A Knightgown.
SUMMER:
When The Furnace Finally Starts Working.
SUNBATHER:
A Fry In The Ointment.
SUNBURN:
1. Getting More Than You Basked For.
2. A Fry In The Ointment.
SUNDAY:
Day Occurring Every 7th Day After Super Bowl.
SUPERFICIAL:
Very Important.
SUPERSTAR:
A Performer Who Makes More Than Guatemala.
SUPERTONIC:
Schweppes.
SUPPER:
Dead Animals & Some Stuff From The Ground.
SUPPORTER:
A Ball-Bearing Babushka.
SURFERS:
Cheese On A Ritz Cracker, To Sharks!
SURGEON:
Doctor On The Cutting Edge.
SUSHI:
Known To The Rest Of The World As 'bait'.
SUSPENSE:
I Will Tell You Tomorrow.
SUSPICION:
When Your Beautiful New Wife Has Forty Six Towels In Her
Hope Chest - Each From A Different Hotel.
SUSPICIOUS:
Why Are You Asking Me All These Questions?
SWEAT:
Motion Lotion to Prevent Fires When Lovemaking.
SWEATER:
A Garment Worn By A Child When Its Mother Feels Cold.
SYMMETRY:
A Place To Bury The Polygons That Ate The Locus.
SYNONYM:
A Word You Use When You Can't Spell The Other One.
SYNTAX:
1. What I Ought To Be Required To Pay Those Who Read This.
2. Revenue Enhancement On Human Nature.
TABLET:
A Small Table.
TABLOID:
A Newspaper With A Permanent Crime Wave.
TABOO:
Any Strict Cultural Prohibition That, When Breached, Causes
Everyone In The Group To Gasp; E.G., Cannibalism, Public
Nudity, Serving Fried Pork Rinds At A Hasidic Wedding, Or
Answering The Question "How Are You?" In The Negative.
TACT:
1. Knowing How Far To Go In Going Too Far.
2. The Unsaid Part Of What You're Thinking.
TACTIC:
Breath Freshener For A Dyslexic Person.
TAFFY PULL:
The Dessert Chef Gets Busy.
TAILOR:
An Occupation That Suits Everyone.
TAKE:
To Acquire, Frequently By Force But Preferably By Stealth.
TANGENT:
Man Who Has Been In The Sun.
TANGO:
You Can't Untie It.
TAR:
A Rubber Wheel.
TARIFF:
A Scale Of Taxes On Imports, Designed To Protect The Domestic
Producer From The Greed Of His Customer.
TAXES:
1. A Fine For Doing Well.
2. Of Life's Two Certainties, The Only One For Which You Can
Get An Extension.
TAXI DRIVER:
Someone Who Earns A Living By Driving Customers Away.
TAXIDERMIST:
A Man Who Mounts Animals.
TEAMSTERS:
An Attempt By Republicans To Get Into Illegitimate Businesses.
TEEN'S CLOTHING:
Avant Garb.
TELECRASTINATION:
The Act Of Always Letting The Phone Ring At Least Twice Before
You Pick It Up, Even When You're Only Six Inches Away.
TELEPHONE:
A Natural Growth From A Child's Ear Which Comes About In Late
Grade School And Subsides Sometime During College.
TELEPRESSION:
The Deep Seated Guilt Which Stems From Knowing That You Did
Not Try Hard Enough To `Look Up The Number On Your Own' And
Instead Put The Burden On The Directory Assistant.
TELEVANGELIST:
A Person In Contact With God, But Upset With God Because God
Does Not Listen And Straighten Things Out.
TELEVISION ANNOUNCER:
One Who Talks Until He Gives You A Headache And Then Tries To
Sell You Something For It.
TELEVISION:
Proof Positive That Some People Would Much Rather Look At Most
Anything Other Than One Another.
TELLETIQUETTE:
The Polite Distance Kept By One Person Behind Another At An
Automatic Teller Machine (So As Not To Be Suspected Of Trying
To Glimpse That Person's Secret Code).
TELOUSTIC:
The Tendency For People To Shout Into The Phone When
Calling Long Distance.
TEMPO:
Good Choice For A Used Car.
TEMPT:
A Canvas Shelter
TEMPUS IMPERFECTUM:
Vire Had To Leave Early.
TEMPUS PERFECTUM:
A Good Time Was Had By All.
TENABLE:
An Octopus's Arm
TENTACLES:
Linebacker's Dream Every Game.
TERMINAL GLARE:
A Look That Kills.
TERMINAL ILLNESS:
Getting Sick At The Airport.
TERMITORY:
Final Resting Place Of Termites.
TERROR:
A Female Klingon With PMS...
TERRORISM:
Strategic Action By Losers To Spoil Winner's Victory Party.
TESTES:
Small Quizzes.
TESTICLES:
Sucking Sacks Found On An Octopus.
TESTLICE:
Those Tiny Bugs That Invade Your Hair When You're Taking
An Exam.
TEUTONIC:
Not Enough Gin.
THANK:
Ability To Cognitively Process.
THE DRINK:
Place Where A Duffer Goes Snorkeling For The Ball He Just
Hit Out Of The Sandtrap.
THE SPOILS OF WAR:
Army Food.
THERMALOPHOBIA:
The Fear When Showering That Someone Will Sneak In,
Flush The Toilet, And Scald You To Death.
THESAURUS:
A Verbose Member Of The Dinosaur Family.
THIRD TRIMESTER:
The Final Months Of Pregnancy When You Wonder, "How Much
Longer Can I Keep From Waddling?"
THIRD WORLD COUNTRY:
Place Where Destitute Sleep On Heating Grates And In Public
Places. Synonym: Grand Central Station.
THOROUGHBRED:
A Carefully Prepared Loaf.
THRONE:
Regal Verb, As In `Your Crown Was Throne Away'
TIBIA:
Country In North Africa.
TIME SIGNATURE:
What You Need From Your Boss If You Forget To Clock In.
TIME:
Nature's Way Of Keeping Everything From Happening At Once.
TIMING LIGHT:
A Stroboscopic Instrument For Illuminating Grease Buildup
On Crankshaft Pulleys.
TIRE:
A Tall Monument.
TITS:
Tasty Chickadee-Dees.
TOE:
A Part Of The Foot Used To Find Furniture In The Dark.
TOILET TOUPEE:
Any Shag Carpet Toilet Cover That Causes The Lid To
Become Top Heavy.
TOLERANCE:
What You Get If You Give Growth Hormone To Ants.
TOMATO PASTE:
What You Use To Fix Broken Tomatoes.
TOMB:
The House Of Indifference.
TOMCAT:
A Ball Bearing Mousetrap.
TOMORROW:
One Of The Greatest Labor Saving Devices Of Today.
TONGUE:
A Variety Of Meat, Rarely Served Because It Clearly Crosses
The Line Between A Cut Of Beef And A Piece Of Dead Cow.
TOOLCENTRIC:
Describes Any Tool That, When Dropped, Rolls To The Exact
Center Of The Car's Underside.
TORTILLA:
Lawyer's Lunch Choice.
TOUCAN:
Two-Seater Outhouse.
TOUGH LOVE:
Choke Chains.
TOURIST:
One Who Travels 1,000 Miles To Get A Picture Of Himself
Standing By His Car.
TOWHEAD:
Foot Fetish.
TRAGEDY:
A Bride Without A Can Opener.
TRAMPOLINIST:
Someone Whose Life Is Full Of Ups And Downs.
TRANSECT:
When A Baptist Marries A Methodist.
TRANSEXUAL:
One Who Carried His Junior Year Abroad A Little Too Far.
TRANSFER:
A Promotion You Receive On The Condition That You Leave Town.
TRANSPOSITION:
An Advanced Recorder Technique Where You Change From Alto To
Soprano Fingering (Or Vice-Versa) In The Middle Of A Piece.
TRANSPOSITIONS:
Men Who Wear Dresses.
TRANSVESTITE:
1. A Sham Ma'am.
2. He Who Likes To Eat, Drink And Be Mary.
TRAPEZOID:
A Device For Catching Zoids.
TREBLE:
Women Ain't Nothin' But.
TREMENDOUS:
A Giant Redwood Tree.
TRICHINOSIS:
The Pig's Reply To Proponents Of Porcophagy.
TRICYCLE:
A Tot Rod.
TRILOGY:
Series Of Three Books, Sometimes More.
TRIPLETS:
Taking Seriously What Was Poked At You In Fun.
TROJAN:
Storage Device For Replicating Codes...
TROPE:
A Malevolent Neum.
TROPICAL:
Everyone Is Talking About It.
TROTTO:
An Early Italian Form Of Montezuma's Revenge.
TROUBLE LIGHT:
The Mechanic's Own Tanning Booth. Sometimes Called A Drop
Light, It Is A Good Source Of Vitamin D, "The Sunshine
Vitamin", Which Is Not Otherwise Found Under Cars At Night.
Health Benefits Aside, Its Main Purpose Is To Consume 40-Watt
Light Bulbs At About The Same Rate That 105-MM Howitzer
Shells Might Be Used During, Say, The First Few Hours Of The
Battle Of The Bulge. More Often Dark Than Light, Its Name
Is Somewhat Misleading.
TRUANT OFFICER:
A Person In The Employ Of The School District Who Is Forced
To Come Around And Tell You A Giant Lie - The School Wants
The Kid Back!
TRUCE:
Friendship.
TRUST:
Two Cannibals Having Oral Sex.
TRUTH:
An Ingenious Compound Of Desirability And Appearance.
TRUTHFUL:
Dumb And Illiterate.
TUBA:
A Compound Word: "Hey, Woman! Fetch Me Another Tuba
Brylcream!"
TUMOUR:
An Extra Pair Of Something
TURBOLIFT:
Penis Implant.
TUTTI:
A Lot Of Sackbuts.
TV DINNER:
Food That Tastes Like It Was Prepared By The TV Repairman.
TWEEZERS:
A Tool For Removing Wood Splinters.
TWICE:
Once Too Often.
TWILIGHT:
All The Difference Between Day And Night.
TWINKIDUE:
The Residue On The Inside Of The Wrapper That Every Junk
Food Addict Eventually Gets To.
TWINS:
Womb Mates Who Eventually Become Bosom Friends.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:
A Handy Tool For Testing The Tensile Strength Of Ground
Straps And Hydraulic Clutch Lines You May Have Forgotten
To Disconnect.
UCLIPSE:
The Dangerous Arc Into Another Lane Made By Drivers Just
Before Executing A Turn.
UDDER FAILURE:
Cow That Doesn't Give Milk.
ULCER:
1. A Pain In The Neck That Dropped.
2. Something You Get Not From What You Eat But From What's
Eating You.
3. Something That Comes From Big Money, Either Earning It
Or Owing It.
ULTRASOUND:
A Loud Noise.
UMBILICAL CORD:
1. Part Of A Parachute.
2. Baby Bungee.
UMBILINKUS:
The Tiny Appendage At The End Of A Link Sausage.
UMBRACE:
The Small Strap That Holds An Umbrella In Place.
UMBRELLA:
A Movable Roof.
UN-AMERICAN:
Wicked, Intolerable, Heathenish.
UNCANNY:
A House Without A Shit House.
UNDERCOVER AGENT:
A Spy In Bed.
UNDERDOG:
A Bitch.
UNDERHOODIST:
A Service Station Attendant With A Genius For Locating
Hood Latches.
UNDERTAKER:
Someone Who Has A Grave Manner.
UNEMPLOYMENT:
The Usual Alternative To Overwork.
UNFAIR COMPETITION:
Selling Cheaper Than We Do.
UNFARE:
The Dollar You Owe The Cab Driver Before You've Even
Moved A Foot.
UNICELLULAR:
Having Only One Car Phone.
UNINHIBITED:
Nobody Lives There.
UNIPEA:
A Peanut With Only One Compartment.
UNIT OF POWER:
Watt. `I Said, Unit Of Power!' Watt. `I **Said** ...'
UNITARIAN:
One Who Denies The Divinity Of A Trinitarian.
UNIVERSE:
The Problem.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will Stick With Us Until Retirement.
UNOPPOSED CANDIDATE:
An Officeholder Who Has Mastered The Art Of Campaign Reform.
UPPER CRUST:
1. A Number Of Persons Stuck Together By Their Dough.
2. A Place Where A Lot Of Crumbs Stick Together.
UPS AND DOWNS:
What Life Is Full Of. Just Ask The New Bride.
URANUS:
A Black Hole Near Scrotum.
URBANITY:
The Kind Of Civility That Urban Observers Ascribe To Dwellers
In All Cities But New York. Its Commonest Expression Is Heard
In The Words `I Beg Your Pardon', And It Is Not Inconsistent
With Disregard Of The Rights Of Others.
URINAL:
The One Place Where All Men Are Peers.
URINALYSIS:
The Study Of Pissed Off People.
URINATE:
What The Nurse Tells A Patient Inquiring His Room Number
URINE:
Opposite Of `You're Out...'
USED CAR:
Not What It's Jacked Up To Be.
VAGINA:
A Cause For Heart Trouble
VALORUS:
Large Animal Vit Tusks; Lives In Vater...
VANITY:
The Tribute Of A Fool To The Worth Of The Nearest Ass.
VARICOSE VEINS:
Veins Very Close To Each Other.
VARICOSE:
Near By...
VASELINE:
1. Makes A Rough Journey Into A Smooth Trip.
2. Meat Tenderizer.
VEGETARIAN:
Ancient Native Word Meaning `Lousy Hunter'!
VEIN:
Conceited.
VELOCIPEDE:
Very Fast, Many-Legged Creature.
VENDING MACHINE:
A Coin Operated Device For Dispensing Breakfast, Lunch
And Dinner.
VERACITY:
Cheating On Your Score At The 5th Hole-- And Feeling Bad
About It For The Next 13.
VERSICLE:
Eskimo Poem.
VERTIGO:
How Foreigners Ask For Directions.
VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 Reasons To Do Anything Except Original Work.
VIBRATION:
A Motion That Cannot Make Up Its Mind Which Way It Wants
To Go.
VICE SQUAD:
A Group Of Uniformed Officers Who Seem To Be Under The
Impression That They Were Invited To Your Dorm Party.
VICTOR:
Your Football Team's Weekly Opponent.
VICTORY:
1. A Rarity
2. A Three Syllable Word That Cheerleaders Can Spell.
3. When A Golfer Finds A Better Ball Than The One He
Just Lost.
VIOLIN:
A Very Bad Hotel
VIRELAI:
A Local Woman Known For Her Expertise In The Lai.
VIRGIN MONKEY:
A Monkey That Doesn't Allow Another Monkey To Monkey
Around With Her Monkey.
VIRGIN WOOL:
Wool From A Sheep That Could Outrun The Farmer.
VIRGIN:
1. A Girl Who Hasn't Met Her Maker.
2. A Waste.
3. A Girl Who Makes An Issue Out Of A Tissue.
4. A Young Innocent Who In Former Times Was Sacrificed To
The Gods But Who Now Merely Lives In Disgrace.
VIRGINITY:
A Bubble On The Stream Of Life, One Prick And It's Gone
For Ever.
VIRTUE:
1. Its Own Punishment.
2. Certain Abstentions.
VISE:
Anything You Enjoy That Is Bad For You.
VISE-GRIPS:
Used To Round Off Bolt Heads. If Nothing Else Is Available,
They Can Also Be Used To Transfer Intense Welding Heat To
The Palm Of Your Hand.
VITAMIN:
What Happens When You See Friends Passing Your Door
VOITLOCK:
When The Basketball Gets Lodged Between The Rim And The
Backboard.
VOLCANO:
1. A Mountain That Blew Its Stack And Got Its Rocks Off.
2. A Mountain With Hiccups.
VOMITING:
Unplanned Reexamination Of Recent Food Choices
VOTE:
1. The Instrument And Symbol Of A Freeman's Power To Make
A Fool Of Himself And A Wreck Of His Country.
2. To Choose The Lesser Of Evils.
VULVA:
A Swedish Automobile.
WAITER:
Someone Who Works Overtime.
WAITRESS:
One Who Thinks Money Grows On Trays.
WAKE:
1. A Convivial Soiree With A Preserved Corpse In The Room.
2. What The Mourners Would Be Visibly Startled To See The
Corpse Do, Especially Those Expecting A Sizable Inheritance.
WALL:
Structure Of Astounding Simplicity. In Terms Of Building And
Design, You Can't Get Much Simpler Than A Wall. Actually, No,
I'm Wrong, A Floor Is Simpler To Build. Because You Don't
Have To Worry About It Falling Over. Because It Already Has.
Floors Generally Have Very Little Job Satisfaction, Because
It Entails Letting People Walk All Over Them.
WAR:
1. I Think Frankie Goes To Hollywood Had It Right. Put The
Leaders - The Actual People Who've Insulted Each Others'
Grandmothers Or Whatever - In The Ring, And Let Them Beat
The Shit Out Of Each Other. And After The Claims And Counter
Claims Of Steroids Have Been Dismissed, We'd Have A Winner.
Of Course, Us Voters Would Soon Realize What Was Going To
Happen If They Didn't Have Strong Leaders. John Major Would
Be Out. Japan's PM Would Be Replaced With A Sumo Wrestler.
Bill Clinton Might Stand A Chance If He Keeps Working Out
- But No More McDonalds. China Would Find Someone Who *Isn't*
Due For A Pension. And As For Australia, Keating Might Be
Good At Calling People Scumbags And Recalcitrants, But I
Reckon We Might Get Bronwyn Bishop Before Too Long. Yeah...
Stick The Knee In, Bronwyn!
2. A By-Product Of The Arts Of Peace.
WAREHOUSE:
One Who, During A Full Moon, Transforms Into A Building.
WASH:
An Activity That, If Men Had Their Way, Would Only Be Done
Once Or Twice A Month. Down Beneath It All, Most Men Would
Much Rather Cover Themselves In Mud And Walk Around In Skins.
Which Explains The Popularity Of Football.
WASP:
Someone Who Gets Out Of The Shower To Urinate.
WATCHMAKER:
Someone Who Doesn't Charge Extra For Working Over Time.
WATER CONDENSATION:
Dew Process
WATER METER READER:
A Person Who Keeps Looking Around Your Place, To See
Where The Circus Is Located, Since You Are Obviously
Watering All The Animals.
WEAK:
Seven Days.
WEAKNESSES:
Certain Primal Powers Of Tyrant Woman Wherewith She Holds
Dominion Over The Male Of The Species, Binding Him To The
Service Of Her Will, And Paralyzing His Rebellious Energies.
WEASEL:
It Blows At Noon.
WEATHER:
Environmental Conditions Which Necessitate The Wearing Of
Whatever Article/S Of Clothing You Just Happen Not To Have
Brought With You. This Is Because Weather Has An Average
Unpredictability Factor Of 97%.
WEDDING RINGS:
The World's Smallest Handcuffs...
WEDGE:
A Golfers' Landscaping Tool.
WEDGEWOOD:
Golf Club...A Cross-Between A 9-Iron & A Driver.
WEEKEND:
Two Day Period During Which Your Growling Stomach Makes
You Really Wish You'd Signed Up For A Seven Day Meal Plan.
WELFARE:
Software That Is Paid For, But Not By The User.
WELL ORGANIZED:
Does Too Much Busywork.
WENCH:
Woman Entitled To Nights Of Complete Happiness.
WET DREAM:
Overnight Sensation.
WHIPPERSNAPPER:
Female Sadomasochist.
WHITE MALES:
The Most Oppressed Social Group In America.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS:
Once Used For Working On Older British Cars And Motorcycles,
They Are Now Used Mainly For Hiding Six-Month Old Salems
From The Sort Of Person Who Would Throw Them Away For No
Good Reason.
WHIZ KID:
Your College Nickname. But Not For The Reason People Think.
WHIZ-BANG:
Golden Shower Followed By The Main Event.
WHOLE NOTE:
What's Due After Failing To Pay The Mortgage For A Year.
WICKER BOX:
What Elmer Fudd Wants To Do To Snow White.
WIDOWER:
Man Who Just Lost 90% Of His Mind.
WIFE:
1. A Woman Who Can Dish It Out But Can't Cook It.
2. A Woman Who Dresses To Kill And Cooks The Same Way.
3. A Woman Who Has A Made Up Face, Serves Heated-Up
Dinners, Charges-Up Bills, And Has A Fed-Up Husband.
4. A Woman Who Is A Dish-Jockey.
5. A Woman Who Is A Husband's Bitter Half.
6. A Woman Who Sticks With Her Husband Through All The
Troubles He Would Never Have Had If He Hadn't Married
Her In The First Place.
7. A Gadget That You Screw On The Bed And It Does Your
House Work For You.
WIG:
An Assumed Mane.
WILDGOOSE:
Two Inches Off Center.
WILL:
A Dead Giveaway.
WILLPOWER:
Filling Your Mouth Up With Water, Sitting On The Stove,
Turning It On, And Wait Until The Water Starts Boiling.
WINDELLAS:
Name Of The Circus Family You Can Run Away And Join When
Your Parents Find Out How Much You Put On Their Charge Card.
WINTER:
1. The Time Of Year When It Gets Later Earlier.
2. When The Air Conditioning In Your Dorm Finally Kicks In.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans Rust Off Old Bolts And Then Throws Them Somewhere
Under The Workbench With The Speed Of Light. Also Removes
Fingerprint Whirls And Hard Earned Guitar Calluses In About
The Time It Takes You To Say, `Django Reinhardt'.
WISH:
Futile Optimistic Desire For Something.
WITCH:
1. An Ugly And Repulsive Old Woman, In A Wicked League With
The Devil.
2. A Beautiful And Attractive Young Woman, In Wickedness A
League Beyond The Devil.
WITLAG:
The Delay Between Delivery And Comprehension Of A Joke.
WOK:
What You Thwow At A Wabbit.
WOLF:
1. A Character Who Knows All The Ankles.
2. One Who Whistles While He Lurks.
3. A Big Dame Hunter.
WOMEN'S LIB:
1. Adam-Smasher
2. Where The Hand That Rocks The Cradle Rocks The Boat.
WOOWAD:
Giant Lumps Of Stuck-Together Rice Served At Chinese
Restaurants.
WORCESTER:
Even Worse Than Worst.
WORK:
The Slow, Dragging Fingernail On The Blackboard Of Life.
WORK-STUDY:
Two Things Not Done By A Majority Of Students.
WORLD BEAT:
1. A Genre Of Culturally Specific Music Made By Foreigners,
Or Americans Who Have The Complete Videotape Set Of _Roots_.
2. A Style That Has Inspired More Illegal Drug Use Than The
Nixon Administration.
3. Music Marketed To Those Who Feel Less Guilty About Owning
Bmws And Jacuzzis When They Listen To Songs Played By Third
World People Who Make $300 A Year.
WORLD WIDE WAIT:
The Real Meaning Of WWW.
WORLD:
A Jigsaw Puzzle With A Peace Missing.
WORRY:
Some Things Do Worry Me - Like The Balding Bearded Guy On
The Train This Morning Reading `The Problem Of Population'.
He Looked Like In Between Stamp Collecting He Was Seriously
Considering Genocide.
WRISTBAND:
Keeps The Stroker Ace From Getting Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
WRISTWATCH:
That Device On Your Arm That Lets You Know Which Class You're
Currently Late For.
WRONG:
Incorrect, Erroneous. Generally, The Things That Are Most
Likely To Be Wrong Are Those Which You Feel The Most
Confident About. This Confidence Has Usually Led You To
Proclaim It Is An Undeniable Fact To All And Sundry, And
To Generally Stake Your Reputation/Life/Fortune On It.
X:
And I Thought Q Was A Bit Short On Words. I Hope X Is Used
A Bit More In Languages Other Than English, Otherwise I
Would Have To Question Its Very Existence. We Can't Afford
To Have Little-Used Letters Like X Being Subsidized By The
Other, More Popular Letters. I Happen To Know That Some
Of The Letters, The Vowels In Particular, Are Not Happy
With This Situation.
X-CHROMOSOME:
A Genetic Double Cross That Empowers Women With The Ability
To Bear Children And Reserves For Men The Right To Be
Color-Blind Hemophiliacs.
X-RAY:
A Medical Technique That Will Display Cafeteria Meatballs
Up To Ten Years After They're Eaten.
XYLEM:
We're Not Going To Tell You This. You Should Know This.
You Took Biology, Didn't You? (Were You Asleep That Day
Or What?)
XYLOPHONE:
One Of The Only Sensible, Commonly Used Words Starting With
X. Also The Name Of The Most Boring Musical Instrument Ever
Devised. It Was Actually First Used By An Evil German Baron
(Von Bastardberg) During The 17th Century, As A Way Of
Putting His Dinner Guests To Sleep Before He Robbed Them Of
All Possessions. He Would Then Throw Them Out Of One Of
Those Windows That Adorn The Big Pointy Towers On White
Castles That You See On Jigsaw Puzzles.
YALE:
1. A Well Known Ivy League University.
2. What Southern Cheerleaders Do.
YAWN:
Only Time Some Men Get 2 Open Their Mouths
YEAR:
A Period Of Three Hundred And Sixty Five Disappointments.
YEARBOOK:
A Book Containing Student Pictures That Will Keep Getting
Nerdier As The Years Go By.
YELLOW ALERT:
Someone Forgot To Flush.
YESTERDAY:
When The 12 Page Paper You Started Tonight Was Due.
YIDDISH:
1. A Tongue That Never Takes Its Tongue Out Of Its Cheek.
2. The Rich Traditional Language Of Organized Complaint.
YIELD SIGN:
Dormitory Wall Decoration You `Purchased' Around 3 In
The Morning With The Help Of Two Buddies And A Hammer.
YINKEL:
A Person Who Combs His Hair Over His Bald Spot, Hoping No
One Will Notice.
YOGURT:
Semi-Solid Dairy Product Made From Partially Evaporated
And Fermented Milk. Yogurt Is One Of Only Three Foods
That Taste Exactly The Same As They Sound. The Other
Two Are Goulash And Squid.
YOKE:
An Implement To Whose Latin Name `Jugum' We Owe One Of The
Most Illuminating Words In Our Language-- A Word That Defines
The Matrimonial Situation With Precision, Point, And Poignancy.
YORANGE:
Those Disgusting White Threads That Hang From An Orange After
It Has Been Peeled.
YOTATE:
To Allow A Yo-Yo To Unwind Itself.
YOURS:
Anything Which, Up To The Present, Others Have Not Been Able
To Get Away From You.
YUPPIE:
A Baby Dog
ZANTHOXYLUM:
Same As Xanthoxylum. The Word Most Often Saved For A
Triple Word Score In Scrabble. (C'mon Guys, Couldn't
You Find A Sensible Way Of Spelling It?!)
ZEAL:
A Certain Nervous Disorder Afflicting The Young And
Inexperienced. A Passion That Goeth Before A Sprawl.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.
ZEBRA:
1. A Horse With Stripes Added. Now Available In Five
Different Colors, And With Optional Spots. Zebras Are
Now Almost Extinct, Most Of Their Number Having Been
Skinned To Make Pedestrian Crossings. Just Remember
That The Next Time You Cross The Street, Or Play
'Abbey Road', You Heartless Bastards. Actually, I Think
If Zebras Had Been Spotted Instead Of Striped, Zebra
Crossings Would Be Much More Distinctive. Perhaps
It's Not Too Late To Try Leopard Crossings.
2. A Sports Model Jackass.
ZEPHYR:
Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god
of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.
ZEPPELIN:
1. A Large Blimp.
2. Still The Best Band For Playing Air Guitar In One's Underwear.
ZERO:
1. Nothing. Zilch. Having No Measurable Size, Amount. Normally
Used To Describe Intelligence, Probability, Bank Balances,
Luck, Investment Funds, Chance, Laughs In This Paragraph, Etc.
2. The Number Of Times You've Gotten To Eat Most Of The Pizza
You Ordered.
ZIGZAG:
Descriptive Of A Straight Line As Drawn By Someone Who Is
Either Extremely Intoxicated, Has Absolutely No Coordination,
Is Racked By Indecision About Direction, Or Any Combination
Of The Three. Any Zigzag Line Drawn Under The Above Conditions
Will In All Probability Involve More Zigging Than Zagging (Or
Vice Versa), And In The Case Of Intoxication, There Is Quite
Likely To Be Zogging, Zugging And Zegging Involved.
ZIP:
Object Placed In Clothing, Designed To Get Stuck At The Most
Inconvenient And/Or Embarrassing Times. When Placed In Men's
Trousers, The Humble Zip Can Be Lethal, Or At Least Very
Painful. I'm Sure I Don't Need To Explain Why, But Let's
Just Say It Makes Most Men Wince Almost As Much As The Word
`Bobbit'. Take Care, Chaps.
ZIPPO LIGHTER:
See Oxyacetylene Torch.
ZIT:
Dog Command.
ZIZZEBOTS:
The Marks On The Bridge Of One's Nose Visible When Glasses
Are Removed.
ZODIAC:
Twelve Symbols Based On Constellations That Someone Probably
Saw Through A Very Dodgy Telescope, As They Ain't Up There
Now. The Zodiac Has Become The Foundation For The Income Of
Astrologers, Who Fall Into The Useless Portion Of The
Population, Defined By Toxic Custard To Include Chain Letter
Senders, Ballet Instructors, Opera Singers And Arts Students.
Note That Religious Leaders Are Not Included In This List -
- They're Good To Laugh At.
ZOMBIE:
A Mirthless Creature Beloved By Teenage Horror Movie Fans And
Those In Charge Of The Hiring At Accounting Firms.
ZOO:
1. Generally A Large Location Where A Number Of Animals Are
Kept, Often Against Their Will. Designers Of Fenceless Zoos
Need To Be Very Careful When Estimating The Width And Depth
Of The Trenches Against How Far Some Of The More Enthusiastic
Animals With Sharp Teeth Can Jump. A Miscalculation Could
Result In Long Searches For Bits Of Zoo Visitors Inside
Various Animals' Stomachs. Security At Zoos Should Always
Be A Priority. Last Year At Melbourne Zoo, Five Hooligans
Broke Into The Zoo At Night And Taught Some Of The Gorillas
How To Do The Long Jump. Then The Four Of Them Showed The
Tigers How To Climb Out Of Their Cages, And The One That
Was Left Was Found Feeding Arms To The Killer Whales.
2. What Dorms Would Look Like If They Were A Little Neater.
ZOOLOGY:
The Study Of Animal Life. (See: `Frat Boys At Homecoming')
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