Landlord Jokes

Landlord Jokes



  A large family, with seven children, moved to a new city. 
They were having a difficult time finding an apartment to 
live in. Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords
objected to the large family. After several days of searching,
the father asked the mother to take the four younger children 
to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find 
an apartment.  After they had looked most of the morning they 
found a place that was just right.
  Then the landlord asked the usual question, "How many children
do you have?"
  The father answered with a deep sigh, "Seven...but four are 
with their dear mother in the cemetery."
  He got the apartment!



  A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the 
apartment over his. "Many a night they stamp on the floor 
and shout till midnight."
  When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, 
"Not really, for I usually stay up and practice my trumpet 
till about that time most every night anyway."

 
 
  Long on egotism but short on cash, the young actor was trying
to talk his impatient landlord into waiting for the rent.
  "In a few years," he said, "people will point to this apartment 
and say 'Jones the famous actor, once lived there.'"
  "If I don't get my rent tonight," said the landlord, "they'll 
be able to say it tomorrow." 
 
 

  A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient 
castle in Europe.
  "This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone 
in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all 
those years."
  "Well," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord 
I have."



  A housewife called up a pet store and said, "Send me thirty-thousand
cockroaches at once." 
  "What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?" 
asked the astonished clerk. 
  "Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I 
must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them..." 



Tenant Excuses For Not Paying The Rent

"I can't pay my rent as my BMW is in the shop, and I cannot afford
to pay for both."

"I can't pay my rent because the checks come out of Japan and the
plane crashed."

"If I move, my friends won't know where to find me."

"Well, you see, I cannot pay the rent because my daughter ate my
husband's paycheck."

"I deposited my paycheck in the bank teller machine and it got
caught in the rollers.  It took six days to tear apart the machine."

"I had my choice of paying the rent or buying a car.  
I bought a car.  I knew you would understand."

"I am sure I paid you -- YOU must have lost it."

"You towed my car away that was illegally parked and I refuse to 
pay my rent until you get my car out of impound."

"It's your fault.  You deposited my check too late.  My automatic
withdrawals went through the bank before the rent check."

"There is nowhere else to go.  The place I applied to will not 
take me because you are evicting me."

Finally, courtesy of Randy Chapman, office manager for the Apartment
Association of Seattle & King County, this reason for not paying the
rent: "The house is haunted."




  A superintendent of a large, snooty apartment building got the 
ultimate revenge when he was called for the umpteenth time to fix 
a tenant's clogged toilet.
  Going to her apartment, where the female tenant happened to be 
giving a fancy dinner party for other tenants in the building, 
the super had to endure her telling all the assembled guests that 
he was a complete incompetent idiot.
  Furthermore, she got them all to go to the bathroom door to 
watch his clumsiness. He didn't say anything, but merely 
concentrated on fixing the toilet, while she kept on complaining 
about the bad service. So busy was she complaining, that no one 
noticed when the super reached quickly into his tool bag...
  A minute later, he held something up triumphantly and told her 
and the assembled guests, "I've found what was clogging your 
toilet!"
  All the guests broke into shocked laughter, and the woman 
turned a bright beet red. The super was holding up a large 
yellow banana with a red condom wrapped around it.
  The woman never complained again.



Extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords.

  I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly 
when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

  The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door
throwing their balls on the roof.

  This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the 
man next door.

  The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

  I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from 
the wall.

  I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

  Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

  Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done 
as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

  I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and 
burnt my knob off.

  I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.

  The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until 
it is cleared.

  The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, 
which is unsightly and dangerous.

  Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.  
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

  Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would 
like a third, so will you please send someone to do something 
about it.

  Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny 
color and not fit to drink.

  Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an 
old age pensioner and need it straight away.

  I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.

  Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap.  My wife 
got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

  When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's 
new drawers and made a mess.  Please send men with clean tools 
to finish the job and keep my wife happy.




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