What do you call Jesse James when he has the flu? A sick shooter! What do you call a sick crocodile? An illigator! What did the farmer use to treat his sick hog? Oinkment! What happens if your exorcism doesn't work? You get repossessed! Where does the Lone Ranger take his trash? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump, dump... What is the world's most common use of cowhide? Holding cows together. What happened to the pelican who stuck his beak in a light socket? He got an electric bill. Why are long distance calls so expensive in Persia? Because their Persian to Persian. Why is television called a medium? Because it's neither rare nor well done. What do you call a cow who comes into your yard and eats your grass? A lawn mooer. What did the English teacher call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses. Why do we say "Amen" in church instead of "Awomen"? Because we sing hymns, not hers. Why aren't seafood merchants generous? Because their business makes them selfish. What did the surgeon say to the patient who wanted to perform their own operation? All right, suture self. What do you call a lazy butcher? A meat loafer. How do you know watermelons really have water in them? Because they're planted in the spring. What do you call a row of rabbits moving backwards? A receding hairline. Where does a sheep go to get his hair cut? A baa-baa shop. Why did the crow land on a phone wire? He wanted to make a long distance caw. What worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing buses. What kind of ticks do you find on the moon? Luna-ticks! What do you call a rabbit sitting on your face? Unwanted Facial Hare. What happens to a rabbit after it falls into chloroform? It becomes an ether bunny. What do Easter Bunny helpers get for making a basket? Two points, just like anyone else. What's invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts. What do you use to paint a rabbit? Hare spray. If athletes get athlete's foot, then what do astronauts get? Missile toe. Why is it so cold at Christmas? It's in Decembrrrrr. What does Rudolph want for Christmas? A pony sleigh station What do elves learn in school? The Elf-abet! What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish. Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log. Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Because every buck is dear to him. Why won't Santa give you five cents? Because he is Nickel-less. Which reindeer knows morse code? Dasher. How does Santa talk to the reindeer? He uses an inter-Com-et Why does Santa Claus have a garden? Because he likes to hoe, hoe hoe. Who was the first cat to cross the Sahara Desert? Sandy Claws! What did one eye say to the other? There's something between us that smells. What did one toe say to the other? Don't look now, but there's a heel following us. What do you do if you smash your toe? You call a tow truck. What is a ringleader? The first one in a bathtub. What kind of bulbs should you plant on the moon? Light bulbs! What is an astronaut's favorite meal? Launch! When is a window like a star? When it's a skylight! What kinds of songs do planets like to sing? Nep-tunes! What kind of poem can you find in outer space? Uni-verse! Why couldn't the astronaut land on the moon? It was already full! What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentified frying object! How did the astronaut serve dinner in outer space? On flying saucers! What's the best way to talk to a martian? Long distance! What's a martian's normal eyesight? 20-20-20 What has 15 tails and 15 heads? 15 pennies. What's the quickest way to double your money? Fold it in half. What did one tree say to the other tree? Is your bark worse than your blight? What nut has no shell? A dough-nut. Why is a river rich? Because it has two banks. What has four legs and a foot? A bed. What do you get if you cross a French emperor with a ton of dynamite? Napoleon Blownaparte. What did the necklace say to the hat? You go on a head. I'll hang around here. What's the noisiest of all games? Tennis, because you can't play it without raising a racket. Which king enjoyed doing fractions? Henry the Eighth. What happened to the frog when he parked on double yellow lines? He got toad away. What do you get if you cross a shark with a snowman? Frost-bite. Where do you find a tortoise with no legs? Where you left it. What is Dracula's favourite pudding? I scream. What's yellow, full of holes and holds water? A wet sponge. Where did the baby ear of corn come from? The stalk brought her. Why are robots never afraid? Because they have nerves of steel. Why was the farmer hopping mad? Because someone stepped on his corn. What's the best butter in the world? A goat. When is a plum pudding musical? When it's piping hot. What bus sailed the ocean? Colum-bus. Who are safe when a man-eating tiger is on the loose? Women and children. What singing birds come from Cornwall? The Parrots of Penzance. Why did the witch put her broom in the washing machine? She wanted a clean sweep. Where do frogs go when they've got bad eye-sight? To a hoptician. What does a vegetarian vampire eat? Blood oranges. What's a lawyer's favourite pudding? Sue-it. What's a frog's favourite drink? Croaka-cola. What's a chicken's favourite cake? A layer cake. What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley. What stands on one leg and has a heart on its head? A cabbage. What's cold and comes in tins? Chilli beans. What is yellow and fills fields with music? Pop corn. What's doughy and 50 metres high? The leaning tower of Pizza. Why do toadstools grow close together? Because they don't need mushroom. What tree has the best food? A pantry. Why does no one like Count Dracula? Because he's a pain in the neck. What kind of meringues repeat? Boo-Meringues. What driver can't drive? A screwdriver. Why do cows wear bells? Their horns don't work. Why did the chicken cross the road, roll around in the mud and then cross back again? Because he was a dirty double crosser. What did the bottle of orange say to the glass of water? I'm diluted to meet you. What did the tie say to the hat? You hang around and I'll go on ahead. Why did the skeleton burp? He didn't have the guts to fart! Who invented the first pen? The Incas. What is Mary short for? She's only got little legs. Whats yellow and lies at the side of the road? A dead bus. Whats brown and sticky? A stick What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? Ribbon hood. Why is it difficult to keep a secret on the North pole? Because your teeth tend to chatter. How do you make a sandwich spread? By sitting on it. Why do witches fly about on broomsticks? Because vacuum cleaners don't have long enough cords. What did the salt say to the pepper? Season's Greetings. What did the gum say to the tennis shoe?? I'm stuck to you!!!! Why does a cowboy ride his horse? Because it's too heavy to carry. What do you call muffins that are upset about being left in the oven too long? Hot, cross buns! What do you get when you cross poison ivy with 4 leaf clovers? A rash of good luck! Why does the baby duck walk softly? Because it's a baby and it can't walk, hardly. |
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