Children Jokes

Children Jokes



So You Want To Be A Parent... 

Lesson 1
Go to the supermarket.
Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
Go home.
Pick up the paper.
Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping
habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it.
It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3
To discover how the nights will feel...
1. Walk around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag
weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or
some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10PM, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go 
to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the
bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3 AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it
there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the
arms hang out. Time allowed for this-all morning.

Lesson 6
1. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint,
turn it into an alligator.
2. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch
tape and a piece of foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.
3. Last take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet
of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Lesson 7
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. And don't think that you can
leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't
look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the cassette player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into
the back seat.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. 
There. Perfect.

Lesson 8
Get ready to go out.
1. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour.
2. Go out the front door.
3. Come in again.
4. Go out.
5. Come back in.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path.
8. Walk back up it.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every
cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead
insect along the way. 
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the
neighbors come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Lesson 9
Repeat everything at least, if not more than, five times.

Lesson 10
Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can
find to a preschool child. (A full-grown goat is excellent.) If you
intend to Have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your
week's groceries Without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish
this, do not even contemplate Having children.

Lesson 11
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into
the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.

Lesson 12
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Disney. Watch nothing else on T.V. for at
least five years.

Lesson 13
Move to the tropics. Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about
halfway in and stick your nose in it. Do this 3-5 times a day for 
two years.

Lesson 14
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying "mommy" repeatedly.
(Important: No more than a four second delay between each "mommy";
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required.)
Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 15
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else
continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt sleeve, or elbow while
playing the "mommy" tape made from Lesson FOURTEEN above. You are now
ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in
the room.

Lesson 16
Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day in which you have an
important meeting.
1. Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.
2. Stir.
3. Dump it on your nice shirt. Also, saturate a towel with this mixture.
4. Attempt to wipe it off with this towel.
5. Do NOT change. You have no time.
6. Go directly to work.

Lesson 17
Go for a ride, but first...
1. Find one large tomcat and six pitbulls.
2. Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3. Put the pitbulls in the front seat of your car.
4. While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into
   the child seat.
For the really adventurous... Run some errands, remove and replace the
cat at each stop.



Uncle Al's Big Book of FUN!
by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu

  Hey kids! It's your buddy here, Uncle Al, with a big book chock full
of fun stuff that *you* can do! Yes, you can be a BONA FIDE MEMBER of
Uncle Al's FUN CLUB! Just remember, all this fun isn't for everyone,
so let's keep Uncle Al's Club a secret! Don't tell any Big People
about our club, or this Secret Fun Book. If they find it, be sure to
tell them it fell off a truck. Now, if you've read all these secret
instructions, tear out this first page and eat it. Then it's Fun Ahoy
with your Uncle Al!

Fun Projects YOU Can Do!
 
   Do you like crafts? Do you like making things? Then it's Fun
   Ahoy with these swell projects for Uncle Al Junior Craftsmen!

    1. Cut out all the little green presidents in Daddy's wallet. 
       Now glue them to the wall. Then take a big marker and draw 
       mustaches on all the presidents. Don't they look funny?

    2. Do you like costumes? Want to dress up as your very own 
       Super Hero? Well here's what to do! First you'll need a 
       cape, and curtains are great for capes. If you pull on 
       them hard enough, they'll come down. Of course, just a 
       cape isn't nearly enough, you need to look Really Super. 
       Take a bottle of glue, pour it on your head, and smear 
       it around, just like shampoo. Now take a big tube of 
       glitter, and pour that on your head, too. Be sure to 
       smear it around! Now find the biggest marker you can 
       (the big black ones that say PERMANENT are best!) and 
       draw cool tattoos all over yourself! Be sure to write 
       naughty words on your face, like KISS MY BUTT on each 
       of your cheeks. Now you're a SUPER Hero! Won't Mommy 
       and Daddy be impressed!

    3. Record burps on Mommy and Daddy's tapes. Be sure to stick 
       some gum in the little hole on the top of the cassette so 
       they'll still record! Take the ones you don't like upstairs, 
       hold on to just the little ribbon on each one, and throw the 
       case out the window. Whizzzzzzzzz! Isn't that fun!

    4. Hide the neighbors' kitty and make a ransom note with letters 
       cut out of your school books.

    5. Find Daddy's razor in the bathroom and shave the dog. Can you 
       even spell out words?

    6. Be an artist! Wouldn't it be fun to paint? Try painting funny
       messages on Mommy and Daddy's cars, like PICK MY BOOGERS or
       POLICE. Then try painting funny faces on the neighbors' 
       windows! Use lots of different colors.


   Fun Things to Investigate!

   Hey kids! Do you like puzzles and mysteries? Do you like finding
   things out? Then maybe *you're* ready to be an...

                --== Uncle Al Young Investigator! ==--

   Okay gang, it's time to investigate! See how many of these 
   mysteries you* can solve!

    1. How many raisins will fit in your nose?
    2. Does lint burn?
    3. What's inside a globe?
    4. Will the vacuum cleaner work on the lawn?
    5. Will the lawnmower work on the living room rug?
    6. How loud can you scream? Which rooms have an echo?
    7. What happens when you feed chocolate to the dog?
    8. How many glasses would it fill when you pee?
    9. What does whiskey taste like?
   10. How far can you:
          + spit?
          + blow your nose?
          + pee?
          + squirt mustard?
   11. What things bounce? Are you sure? From how high up?
   12. How many pieces of gum can you chew at once?


   Oodles 'o Fun Things to Do:

   You can't possibly be bored when you could be doing all of 
   these Fun Things:

     * Hide Mommy and Daddy's car keys.
     * Fill out and mail all those little cards in magazines.
     * Build the tallest tower you can with dishes and glasses.
     * Pour all the shampoo into one bottle.
     * Call people with funny names and ask for their credit 
       card numbers.
     * Take as many pictures as you can of your feet.
     * Pour the stuffing in your beanbag chair into a fan.
     * Stomp on little ketchup packs.
     * Tear the last page out of books.
     * Melt diskettes in the toaster.
     * Pour jello mix in the potty.
     * Set all the clocks to your favorite time.
     * Shake up all the soda pop. Now open it in the living room.
     * Saw things.
     * Hide eggs.
     * Eat all the cupcake sprinkles.
     * Roll Daddy's bowling ball down the stairs.
     * Fill the bathtub with enough dirt to plant a little garden.
     * Fill all the bowls and glasses in the kitchen with water 
       and put them back in the cabinets.
     * Drill holes in your floor so you can see downstairs.
     * Try wearing all your clothes at once.
     * Lick all of Mommy and Daddy's stamps.
     * Use a screwdriver to start a screw collection.
     * Bury as many things as you can in the back yard.
     * Squirt out all the toothpaste and try to get it back in.
     * Wear your clothes backwards.
     * Hang all your clothes on trees outside.
     * Pull the garden hose through your window and build a fountain.
     * Use the paper puncher to decorate all your clothes with lots 
       of little holes.
     * Wash yourself in the washing machine.
     * Play with the tv controls until all the people are purple 
       and green.
     * Turn on *everything* in the house.
     * Pour talcum powder in the hair dryer and turn it on.


   Hey Kids! Want to make some money? Sure, we all do! Then maybe 
  you can be an...

               --=] Uncle Al Junior Fundraiser! ]=--

   First, put on your oldest clothes, especially old pants that 
   have holes and are much too short. Roll around a little bit 
   in the garden to look Extra Grubby. Now knock on all the 
   neighbors' doors and ask for money. Be sure to tell them that 
   you had to sell your toys for food, and that you're cold from 
   sleeping in the car. Maybe they'll even give you cookies! But 
   if this doesn't work, why not try a Big Garage Sale? While 
   Mommy and Daddy are at work, take everything you can find 
   outside and put it on the driveway. Put little price stickers
   on everything, like "35 CENTS" on Daddy's watch. Now sell it 
   all! Be sure to put up signs so people can find your Big Sale!


   Fun Things to Cook

   Hey kids, do you like to cook neat stuff? You do? Then maybe 
   you can be an Uncle Al Super Chef! You can start by mixing up 
   a hearty batch of...

                 --== Uncle Al's Home Remedy ==--

   Ingredients:

     * 4 tablespoons Tabasco juice
     * 1/2 stick of butter
     * 4 tablespoons concentrated lemon juice
     * 1 teaspoon green food coloring
     * 2 tablespoons horseradish sauce
     * 1 teaspoon pepper
     * 1 tablespoon laxative
     * 1 egg
     * 1 tablespoon vinegar
     * 1 tablespoon rum

   There are no difficult instructions for Uncle Al's Home Remedy. 
   You just mix it all together, so it's fun, fun, fun! You'll 
   need someplace to keep your Home Remedy safe...how about the 
   milk carton in the refrigerator? And don't forget, you'll need 
   a Special Assistant to test whether your batch has Zing! How 
   about Kitty or Doggy? They'll just love that big bold taste!

   That's all for today, kids! Fun Ahoy!




ALL TIME WORST CHILDREN'S BOOKS

You Were an Accident

Strangers Have the Best Candy

The Little Sissy Who Snitched

Bi-Curious George

The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.

The Tickling Baby-sitter

Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will.

The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead.

Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer.

Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose.

A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides.

Babar Meets the Taxidermist and Becomes a Piano.

Bob the Germ's Wondrous Journey Into and Back Out of Your Digestive System.

Let's Draw Betty and Veronica without their clothes on.

Charles Manson Bedtime Stories.

Clifford the Big Red Dog Accidentally Eats his Masters and is Put to Sleep.

Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear.

Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.

Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle.

David Duke's World of Imagination.

Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The 'Hood'.

Ed Beckley's Start a Real-Estate Empire with the change 
from your Mom's Purse.

Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can't 
Remember the Endings to All of them.

Legends of Scab Football.

Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer's Games of Revenge.

Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina.

The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables.

The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad.

The Little Engine that Could Becomes intoxicated and Kills Civilians.

Some Kittens Can Fly

How to Dress Sexy For Grownups

Getting More Chocolate On Your Face

Where Would You Like To Be Buried?
 
Katy Was So Bad, Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

All Dogs Go To Hell

The Kids Guide To Hitchhiking

When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It

Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

What Is That Dog Doing To That Other Dog?

Why Can't Mr.Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends

Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver

You Are Different and That's Bad

Why God Burned Down Disneyland

Dad's New Wife Robert

Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

Grandpa Gets a Casket

The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games

The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan

Your Nightmares Are Real

Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things




KID VIEWS ON MARRIAGE

WHAT EXACTLY IS MARRIAGE??

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to 
give her back to her parents."  --Eric, Age 6

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose 
to the girl.  He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, 
or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to 
do one particular thing for me.'"  Then she says yes, but she's 
wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not.  
She can't wait to find out."  --Anita, Age 9


HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY??

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails 
means you try the next one."  --Kally, Age 9

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind.... That's what 
I'll do.... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."
  --Carolyn, Age 8

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.  Like if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming."   Allan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later
who you're stuck with."   Kirsten, age 10


CONCERNING THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED.

"Eighty-four.  Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, 
and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." 
--Carolyn, Age 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."  
--Bert, Age 5

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then!"					Cam, age 10

"No age is good to get married at.... You got to be a fool to get
married!" 				Freddie, age 6


HOW DID YOUR MOM AND DAD MEET??

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house.  Then they went 
for a drive, but their car broke down.  It was a good thing, 
because it gave them a chance to find out about their values."
  --Lottie, Age 9

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother.  They 
won't tell me what kind."  --Jeremy, Age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that 
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
  --Martin, Age 10

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about 
love." --Craig, Age 9

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough."  Lynnette, age 8


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough 
bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause 
she'll want to have videos of the wedding."  
--Allan, Age 10

"Never kiss in front of other people.  It's a big 
embarrassing thing if anybody sees you.  If nobody 
sees you, I might be willing to try it with a 
handsome boy, but just for a few hours."  -Kally, Age 9

"When they're rich." - Pam, age 7

"It's never okay to kiss a boy.  They always slobber all 
over you...That's  why I stopped doing it." - Tammy, age 10

"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime.  But if 
it's a new person, you have to ask permission." - Roger, age 6

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to 
mess with that."  Curt, age 7
  
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do."
 Howard, age 8


THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan."  
--Kirsten, Age 10

"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys.  
Boys need somebody to clean up after them."  
--Anita, Age 9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm 
just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."  
--Will, Age 7

"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want 
to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd 
just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee 
and diaper changing."   Kirsten, age 10


CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody 
else who has freckles too." - Andrew, age 6

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something 
to do with how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant 
are so popular." - Mae, age 9 

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or 
something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so 
painful." - Manuel, age 8


ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
- John, age 9

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to 
spell, I don't want to do it.  It takes too long."
- Glenn, age 7


ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already 
in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." 
- Anita C., age 8

"It isn't always just how you look.  Look at me.  I'm 
handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to 
marry me yet." - Brian, age 7

"Beauty is skin deep.  But how rich you are can last 
a long time." - Christine, age 9


REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but 
baseball is pretty good too." - Greg, age 8


HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs 
don't wag their tails nearly as much." - Arnold, age 10

"All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can 
sit together in the dark." - Sherm, age 8 


CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because 
they paid good money for them." - Gavin, age 8

"They are just practicing for when they might have to 
walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony 
thing." - John, age 9


TITLES OF THE LOVE BALLADS YOU CAN SING TO YOUR BELOVED

"'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?'"
- Arnold, age 10

"'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'"
- Larry, age 8

"'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'"
- Eddie, age 6

"'I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother 
Me When I'm with My Friends.'"
- Bob, age 9

"'Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget 
You Are One!'"
- Will, age 7


WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him.  But I 
hope he showers at least once a day."
- Michelle, age 9

"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that 
they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."
- Dick, age 7


HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?

"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you 
feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric 
heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses."
- Gina, age 8


HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."
- Julia, age 7

"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings 
get the best of you."
- Brian, age 7

"It might help to watch soap operas all day."
- Carin, age 9


HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
- Dick, age 7

"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." 
- Erin, age 8

"Be a good kisser.  It might make your wife forget that you 
never take out the trash." 
- Dave, age 8

"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind...  
Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch." 
- Natalie, age 8


CHILDREN'S CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

  "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't 
happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television."  
Jill, age 6

  "Love is foolish.....but I might try it sometime."  
Floyd, age 9

  "Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place...we 
were behind a tree." Carey, age 7

  "Love will find you.  Even if you hide from it.  I 
have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but 
the girls keep finding me."  Dave, age 8

  "I'm not rushing into being in love.  I'm finding the 
fourth grade hard enough."  Regina, age 10


THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER

  "Sensitivity don't hurt."  Robbie, age 8

  "One of you should know how to write a check.  Because 
even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be 
a lot of bills."  Ava, age 8


SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

  "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."  
Del, age 6

  "Shake your hips and hope for the best."  Camille, age 9

  "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs 
and don't worry if their parents are right there."  
Manuel, age 8

  "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers.  You 
might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing 
as love."  Alonzo, age 9

  "One way is to take the girl out to eat.  Make sure it's 
something she likes to eat.  French fries usually works for 
me."  Bart, age 9


HOW CAN YOU TELL IF ADULTS EATING DINNER IN A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

  "Just see if the man picks up the check.  That's how you 
can tell if he is in love."  Bobby, age 9

  "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food 
will get cold...other people care more about their food."  
Bart, age 9

  "Romantic adults are usually all dressed up, so if they 
are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or 
they just broke up."  Sarah, age 9

  "See if the man has lipstick on his face."  Sandra, age 7

  "It's love if they order one of those desserts that's on 
fire.  They like to order those because it's just like how 
their hearts are---on fire." Christine, age 9


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
Eddie, age 6

"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids."				Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

"Both don't want no more kids."		Lori, age 8


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all 
the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the 
dead columns."                          Craig, age 9

  
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8
  
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after
us just the same as they do now."   Roberta, age 7
  
 
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a 
truck." Ricky, age 10


KIDS' INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE

"Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching." 
- Andrew, Age 9

"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls."  - Rocky, age 9

"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning." 
- Stephanie, age 8

"Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower." - Lamar, age 10

"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your 
parents are doing taxes." - Carrol, age 9

"Never bug a pregnant mom." - Nicholas, age 11

"Don't ever be too full for dessert." - Kelly, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."
- Heather, age 16

"Never tell your mom her diet's not working." - Michael, age 14

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." 
- Joel, age 12

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on
the phone." - Alyesha, age 13

"Never try to baptize a cat." - Laura, age 13

"Never spit when on a roller coaster." - Scott, age 11

"Never do pranks at a police station." - Sam, age 10

"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving." - Rob, age 10

"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your 
mom told you to do." - Hank, age 12

"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand." - Molly, age 11

"Listen to your brain.  It has lots of information." - Chelsey, age 7

"Stay away from prunes." - Randy, age 9

"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car." - Phillip, age 13

"Forget the cake, go for the icing." - Cynthia, age 8

"Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and Grandma's
house." - Joanne, age 11

"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents." 
- Matthew, age 12



 
  When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed 
an older woman hugging him as he left his house.
  "Is that your grandmother?", I asked.
  "Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit for a few weeks.
  "How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"
  "At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her we just go 
there and get her."

 


CHILDREN WANT TO KNOW...

Dear God,
  In school they told us what You do.  Who does it when you are on
vacation?
         Jane

Dear God,
  Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
         Lucy

Dear God,
  Is it true my father won't get in heaven if he uses his bowling
words in the house?
         Anita

Dear God,
  Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
         Norma

Dear God,
  Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones,
why don't you just keep the ones You have now?
         Jane

Dear God,
  Who draws the lines around the countries?
         Nan

Dear God,
  I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church.
Is that okay?
         Neil

Dear God,
  What does it mean You are a Jealous God?  I thought you had
everything.
        Julie

Dear God,
  Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?"
Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother!
        Darla

Dear God,
  Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
        Joyce

Dear God,
  It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad!  He said
some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but
I hope you will not hurt him anyway.
        Your friend
       (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear God,
  Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be
our day of rest.
        Tom L.

Dear God,
  Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, you can
look it up.
        Bruce

Dear God,
  If you give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you
anything you want except my money or my chess set.
        Raphael

Dear God,
  My brother is a rat.  You should give him a tail.  Ha ha.
        Danny

Dear God,
  Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had
their own rooms.  It works with my brother.
        Larry

Dear God,
  I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so
much hair all over.
        Sam

Dear God,
  I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
        Ruth M.

Dear God,
  I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the
whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can
never do it.
        Nan

Dear God,
  If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
        Mickey D.

Dear God,
  I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
        Love, Chris

Dear God,
  We read that you created light.  But in school they said Thomas 
Edison did. I bet he stole your idea.
        Sincerely, Donna




A is for Amy who fell down the stairs,
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clair who wasted away,
D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach,
F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George, smothered under a rug,
H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in the lake,
J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe,
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea,
N is for Nevil who died of enui.
O is for Olive, run through with an awl,
P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire,
R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who perished of fits,
T is for Titas who flew into bits.
U is for Una who slipped down a drain,
V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
W is for Winie, embedded in ice,
X is for Xerxes, devoured by mice.
Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in,
Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
by Edward Gorey




  Are you tired of looking for a "Tickle Me Elmo" doll?
  Are you tired of the pushing, shoving, scratching and fisticuffs 
involved in what it takes to get that special gift every kid HAS to 
have this holiday season?
  Are you tired of being outbid every time someone yelled out 
"500 BUCKS!" at an Elmo Auction?
  We can help. Now you can buy a cheap substitute!  
  Why not buy one of Elmo's cheap knock off imitations. 
  Every kid would simply LOVE to find the ever popular "Pull My 
Finger Elmo" doll on Christmas morning. And don't forget the newest 
member of the family, the "Put Me Down Mister or I'll Call The Cops 
Elmo" doll. Available in stores everywhere!



What do they give every Tickle me Elmo doll before it leaves the factory?
Two test tickles!
 


  Are you tired of being kept awake night after night by the incessant
coughing and hacking from your child?  Do you dislike your 5 year old
playing with matches or a lighter?
  Do you hate the foul stench of cigarette breath when you kiss your 
child good night?
  Do you hate it when your 8 year old scoops your last smoke?
  Well now you can help your child stop smoking the easy way.  What
child wouldn't LOVE to receive a 'Nicotine Patch Kid?'   Simply apply 
one to your child's arm or thigh and every time they light up a smoke 
"Nick O'Tine" or his wife "Kimi Kells" will start chewing until your 
child butts it out in their doll's eye, activating a heat sensor.!  
  Its FUN! for all ages.
  Also available: 'Cannabis Patch Kids' .    



  One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was 
tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light 
when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep 
with me tonight?"
  The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," 
she said, "I have to sleep with Daddy."
  A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, 
"The big sissy."


 
Advice to kids

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

Never pee on an electric fence.

Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to:

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your
school assignment.

Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers.

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.  
They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.

Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.



  "Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?
 "Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, 
with crashing thunder and severe lightning.  As I came into my bedroom 
about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, 
apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in 
the guest bedroom that night.
  "The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K.
to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home,
please don't sleep with Mom that night.
They said O.K.
  "After my next trip, several weeks later, Karen and the children were 
to pick me up in the terminal on my arrival.  Since the plane was late, 
everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival.
Along with hundreds of other folks waiting for other arriving passengers.
  "As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running, 
shouting, 'Hi, Dad!  I've got some good news!'
  "As I waved back, I said loudly, 'What's the good news?'
  "'The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away 
this time!' Alex shouted.
  "The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area 
looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of 
the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was."




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