Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
Hear about the dyslexic lawyer who studied all year for the bra exam?
A man sees a note scribbled on the men's room wall; "For
a good screw, call..." He dials the number and a woman
answers, "Hello, Sol Goldberg's Law Office."
Who is the smiling, courteous, sober person at the bar
association convention?
The caterer.
Did you hear about the Doctor who got in a car accident?
Someone asked him if he was hurt, and he replied, "How should I know?
I'm not a Lawyer!"
Here is a list of four items.
Identify which doesn't belong with the others:
a. Herpes
b. Syphilis
c. AIDS
d. A lawyer
ANSWER: Syphilis. It's the only one you can get rid of.
What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
Back over him to make sure and make another notch on the steering wheel.
What is black and white and looks good on a Lawyer?
Tar and Feathers
What's Black and Brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.
What looks best on a lawyer?
Black and white stripes.
Where can you find a good Lawyer?
In the City Morgue.
How many corporate lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Whow knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.
"Look," said one, "Let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
A lawyer was asked if he'd like to become a Jehovah's Witness.
He declined. He hadn't seen the accident but he was still
interested in taking the case.
JURY (N): A collection of people banded together for the
purpose of deciding who has the better lawyer.
Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over
their profession. No one would build a robot to do nothing.
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer.
"How's it going?", someone asked.
"Oh, not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my latern."
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a
Lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
I busted a mirror the other day. That's seven year's bad luck.
My lawyer, though, thinks he can get me off with five.
What do you call a 727 full of lawyers crashing into the side
of a mountain?
Lots of liability; no damages.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
Two law partners go out for lunch. As they get started, one suddenly
jumps up and exclaims, "Oh my God, I forgot to lock the safe!"
The other says, "What are you worried about? We're both here."
There's a new summer camp for kids: Law Camp, for budding
lawyers - they have 3 legged ambulance races.
What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A1: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.
A2: Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop
until it gets blood.
What would you call a sky-diving lawyer?
Skeet.
What's the difference between a whore and an attorney?
The whore won't try to screw you after you're dead.
How does a lawyer resemble a sperm?
Both have about a 1 in a billion chance of becoming human.
How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore...
Ben Dover & C. Howett Fields, Attorneys at law
Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only
save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
A lawyer said to one of his clients, "When I was a kid, I
wanted to be a pirate!"
The client said, "Congratulations!"
Not long ago our neighbor was rear-ended. She didn't get
whiplash until she saw her attorney's share of the settlement!
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Why are the ties so tight around lawyers' necks?
To keep the foreskin from creeping up.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the
bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a
lawyer for my 'gator."
Two very rich people got divorced, and their lawyers lived
happily ever after.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Clothes don't necessarily make the man, but a good suit makes a lawyer.
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?
Because after they die, they lie still.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.? Good!
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.
How do you kill 4000 lawyers?
You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink.
What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin?
Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create
(or evolve into) these species?
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
No matter What font you select, everything come out in fine print.
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
What is the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!
What is the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A lobotomy.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish?
One's slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech will let go and stop sucking blood when its victim dies.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a dalmation?
A dalmation knows when to stop chasing the ambulance.
What do slime molds have more of than lawyers?
Respect.
What does molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common?
They're all slime.
Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To get to the car accident on the other side.
hy do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped parking; it's proof of a
moral disability.
What are some of the requirements in becoming a lawyer?
You must be able to get muggers, rapists, and dope abusers off the
hook, and must have at least one relative who works at IBM.
What kind of lure must you use if you want to attract lawyers
so as to shoot them?
You may use any as long as it yells every once in a while,
"I'm gonna sue!" or "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!"
What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers?
He would starve to death.
Why don't hyenas eat lawyers?
Even hyenas has some dignity.
What do you call an honest lawyer?
An impossibility.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.
Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career?
At least he wasn't a lawyer.
What is the difference between pigs and lawyers.
You can learn to respect a pig.
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
How can you tell if your lawyer is worthless?
Ask him if he's a member of the bar.
What is the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
Why didn't the doctor pay the rent on his outhouse?
He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs.
Who do lawyers never take their cats to the beach?
Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer points.
What's the other difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Vultures can't take their wing tips off.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a
dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers
for their experiments?
1. Lawyers are more plentiful than rats;
2. The lab technicians don't get as attached to the lawyers,
and
3. There are some things a rat just won't do.
What's the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of
rats in laboratory experiments?
It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.
Why should lawyers be buried 100 feet deep?
Because deep down, they're really good people.
What educational programs should the United States support
to alleviate the burgeoning US-Japan trade imbalance?
Japanese language lessons for lawyers.
What is a criminal lawyer?
Redundant.
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking
the law before the criminal gets arrested?
An accomplice.
What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking
the law after the criminal gets arrested?
A lawyer.
How can you tell when your lawyer is lying?
His lips move.
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?
Not enough cement.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
What's the definition of "a shame" (as in, "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
When there was an empty seat.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk
are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot
a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.
Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey,
the most toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got first pick.
What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
Your honor.
What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
Senator.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam
Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only
three bullets. Who do you shoot?
Use all three bullets on the lawyer.
What is the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A hooker will stop fucking you when you're dead.
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a skunk?
Nobody wants to hit a skunk.
A priest said, "I thought you lawyers were not in the
habit of charging clergymen for your services."
The attorney replied, "Not so...clergymen look for your
reward in the next world. We lawyers have to get it in this."
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the
same service.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched,
They cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything
forever.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ...
It was SO cold ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
Did you hear about the new 'Microwave Lawyer?
You spend 8 minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd
been there eight hours.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the
lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
I just read an interesting novel about two ex-convicts. One of them
studies to become a lawyer, and the other decides to go straight.
What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
A rooster clucks defiance
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
"How is it you can't get a lawyer to defend you?" the judge
asked the prisoner.
"Well, your Honor, it's like this...as soon as those lawyers
found out I didn't steal the money, they wouldn't have anything
to do with me."
What is the difference between a lawyer and a football?
You only get three points when you kick the football
between the uprights.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a mugger?
A mugger uses a gun.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a plumber?
At the end of the day, the plumber can wash the slime off his hands.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a pothole?
You swerve to MISS a pothole.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a sperm?
The sperm has a million to one chance of becoming a human!
What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
A patient walked into a doctor's office and asked if the doctor was in.
The receptionist said, "No. When he saw the bill for his malpractice
insurance, he decided to become a lawyer."
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a
"brief". (Franz Kafka)
Always remember to wait a few seconds after an ambulance passes,
to let the lawyers go by.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure
out which side to spit on.
A lawyer enters a bank as a robber is making his getaway. Noticing
that the customers have their faces buried in the floor, and the
tellers have their hands in the air, the lawyer asks what's going on.
As the bank manager dials the police department he shouts, "That man
just walked out of here with a million dollars!"
"A million dollars! Why didn't you say something?" the lawyer says
in shock. "I would have given him my card."
Justice has a way of winning
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare,
very expensive cigars, insured them against...get this...fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous
cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the
policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a
series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason
that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.
The man sued...and won!!
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man
held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the
cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure
the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to
be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured
for his loss.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the
insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man
$15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."
After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company
had him arrested...on 24 counts of arson!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of
intentionally burning the rare cigars!
It was a typical cold night outside Fairbanks, Alaska, when Officer
Mike Smith noticed a car's headlights peering out from a roadside
snowbank-a fairly routine sight in Alaska in the winter. Smith lit
a flare and started down to give assistance. Then he realised that
the inebriated driver had no idea he was wedged into an embankment.
He must have thought he was in a heck of a blizzard because he was
staring intently at the snow ahead, driving for all he was worth.
His foot was on the gas, and the rear tires were spinning as the car
slid slightly from side to side.
Smith couldn't resist: He positioned himself just behind the
driver's side window and began to run in place. He rapped on the
glass with his flashlight.
The driver did a perfect double take and sped up; so did Smith.
Sprinting in place, Smith again tapped the window. This time the
driver relented and "stopped" his car.
When the driver's case came before the magistrate, the judge
asked, "Are you guilty as charged?"
The man looked forlornly at the judge and said, "I must be,
your honour. The officer chased me down on foot!"
Courtroom Terminology Translator
COMMON PHRASES USED BY THE DISTRICT ATTORNEYS
========================================================================
WHAT IS SAID WHAT IS MEANT
========================================================================
Officer, we've decided to grant the I haven't read any of the
defendant more time to prepare his paperwork and don't know what's
case. going on.
The People have decided not to It's my bowling night...
prosecute.
We will entertain a motion for a I don't stand a chance against
reduction in this matter. this defense attorney...
I agree with the court that this case I've got a civil case before the
is not strong enough to go with... Judge next week and need to
butter him up a little.
Officer, why don't you run down the The office lost the case file.
high points of the case for me again.
Really Officer, did the defendant hurt The last time I saw any
you that much? bloodshed was when a girl
punched me in the nose in the
5th grade.
If we dismiss the case, the defendant The defendant's lawyer is my
won't sue you. brother-in-law.
The defendant is an upstanding citizen He's highly connected in
who made one tiny mistake. politics and I'm running for
office next year.
She was on trial for having shot her husband. She'd even been
discovered with the smoking gun still in her hand. During his
summation, her lawyer pleaded for mercy on the basis that the lady
was now a widow.
A lawyer soliciting a potential client told the man he got his last
three clients suspended. What he didn't mention was that they were
all hung.
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party.
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied
the lawyer. "What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you
an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of
liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,'
so I let it go."
Hear about the new microwave lawyer?
You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if
you'd been there eight hours.
You Need A New Lawyer When...
During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
A prison guard is shaving your head.
Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!"
and proceeds to drink a shot.
He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."
He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the
little hammer, right?"
Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks
in the air with his fingers.
The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
Two lawyers are stranded on a deserted island, nothing around them
for miles and miles but water.
They've been stranded here for quite some time, so they've gotten
quite bored with one another.
One of the lawyers tells the other he's going to climb to the top
of the tree (the only thing on the island) to see if he can possibly
see a rescue team coming.
The other lawyer tells him he's crazy and that he's just wasting
his time and won't see anything. But the lawyer proceeds to climb to
the top of the tree anyway.
He's up there only a short time when the lawyer down on the ground
hears him say, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this
is true!"
So the lawyer on the ground says, "What do you see? I think you're
hallucinating and you should come down right now."
So the lawyer reluctantly climbs down the tree and proceeds to tell
his friend that he saw a naked blonde woman floating face up headed
toward their island.
The other lawyer starts to laugh, thinking his friend has surely
lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up floats a naked blonde
woman, face up, totally unconscious.
The two lawyers go over to where she is, and one says to the other,
"Well, you know it's been a long time...do you think we should screw her?"
The other lawyer responds, "Out of what?"
In a criminal trial the defending lawyer gave a most moving, eloquent,
impassioned appeal for his client. He didn't cite any relevant evidence,
but he emphasized what a disaster it would be for the defendant, his
wife, and small children if he were found guilty. One could almost say
that there was not a dry eye in the courtroom.
The judge, realizing that no evidence had been presented, said in stern
tone, "I hereby instruct the jury to ignore what has just been said."
One juror leaned toward another and remarked, "You can't unring a bell."
A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce. He is
taking all of her background information and asks her, "Do you have
grounds for a divorce?"
To which she replies, "Well, we have three acres."
"No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?" asks the attorney.
"No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00," she responds.
Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, "Lady, tell me, do
you have a grudge?"
Looking very confident she states, "No, we have a carport."
At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, "Look,
Lady. Why do you want a divorce?"
"Because he can't hold an intelligent conversation!"
Lawyers-
-they get together all day and say to each other, "What can we postpone
next?" The only thing they don't postpone, of course, is their bill,
which arrives regularly. You've heard about the man who got the bill
from his lawyer which said, "For crossing the street to speak to you
and discovering it was not you, twelve dollars."
George S. Kaufman (1889-1961)
A lawyer addresses an all male jury: "Gentlemen, shall we cast this
beautiful, lonely young lady into a dim cell in a prison, or shall we
return her to her oceanside beach condo, Ocean City, telephone Number
555-4531?"
A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that
specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that
he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the
owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.
After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large
dog snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like
he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.
"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different
one-in mind for you."
They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they
found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two
men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.
"Ah, " said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring
to earlier.
"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."
The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog,
panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt.
He seemed unaware of the men's approach.
"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.
The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This
dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn't even act like an attack
dog."
"I know he appears tame now," said the owner. "But you see, he just
ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along
and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining
bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the
officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't
even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaaad...", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody
left shoulder where his arm once was.
"Where's my Rolex???!!!!"
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and
the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby
and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second
part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a
result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e. the
lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging
from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an
area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning
of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the
party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the
aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following steps:
1) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or
any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (
Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a
counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"),
the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing
of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with
all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the
first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation
of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation
shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures
described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to
note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this
point also being non-negotiable.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of
the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons
authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible
revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
A lawyer was reading out the Will of a rich man to the people
mentioned in the Will:
"To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in the rough times, as well
as the good, the house and $2 million. To my daughter Jessica, who
looked after me in illness and kept the business going, the yacht, the
business and $1 million. And to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued
with me and thought I would not remember him in my Will, you were
wrong: Hello Dan!"
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting
attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that
you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear
the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to
compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still
did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer
the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he
would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would
see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him,
and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back
on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he
saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and
pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?".
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the
priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck".
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck
driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a
lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit
him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with
him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly
missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed
the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his
mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest
and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer".
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!
The most overworked pun of the week comes from the Toronto trial of
Madame de Sade, the dominatrix charged with keeping a "common bawdy
house." When any of the lawyers or reporters are asked how the trial
is going, the stock reply usually begins with the phrase "beats me"
and moves on to "being whipped" or beginning to feel "like a fly on
the wall." The last one is in reference to a client described in court
as The Fly, who enjoyed clinging to the wall while Spiderwoman hunted
him down. No wonder the National Enquirer has pulled out of the bidding
war for Monica's story ... it's too tame.
Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house
at the local Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over
the place.
Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can't get them
back in their cages. Finally he says, "Quick, call a lawyer!"
"A lawyer? Why??"
"We need someone who speaks their language!"
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a
new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies
for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution
provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the
lawyers rushing to the scene...
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others
line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and
proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on
lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?"
to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."
A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is
a total-loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and
blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about
the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
A truck driver is passing through New York City and stops at a bar
for a couple of beers. Shortly thereafter another man enters the
bar, wearing a suit, bowler hat and bowtie, and carrying a briefcase.
The bartender asks, "Are you a lawyer by any chance? You sure look
like one"
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I am," the man replies.
Without another word the bartender pulls out a shotgun from under
the bar and blows the lawyer away.
The truck driver is stunned and asks the bartender for an explanation.
"You must be from out of town, pal. It's lawyer season in New York
City this time of year. You don't even need a license."
"Sounds like a great idea to me," agrees the truck driver, who has
recently lost his shirt in a nasty divorce and is nursing a serious
grudge against the legal profession.
Upon leaving the bar, the truck driver doesn't get more than a mile
down the street when he hits a pothole, blows a tire, and crashes his
truck into a light pole. While trying to extricate himself from the
cab of his truck, he sees a growing crowd of men and women in
expensive suits surrounding his wrecked truck, thrusting their arms in
through the broken windshield and waving their business cards in his
face, all the while screaming at him not to move until an ambulance
arrives. The truck driver reaches into his glove compartment, pulls
out his handgun, leaps from the cab of his truck and opens fire on the
now-scattering flock of attorneys, winging several of them in the
process.
As he pauses to reload, a policeman arrives on the scene and orders
him to drop his weapon. He complies, whereupon the the officer promptly
handcuffs him and informs him that he is under arrest.
"But they're in season, aren't they?" the truck driver protests.
"Well, sure, but you can't bait them."
Taylor the Lawyer was desperate for business, and was happy to be
appointed by the court to defend a defendant. The judge
ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway,
and give him the best legal advice you can."
After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge
asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to
give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty as hell, so I
told him to split."
A lawyer awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and
found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains
closed?" he asked. "Is it night?"
A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire across the
street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the
operation was unsuccessful."
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative
defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and
removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail
to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense
committed by his limb.
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the
defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or
not, as he chooses.
"The defendant smiled." With his lawyer's assistance he detached
his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a lawyer
ever tell the truth?"
The Father thought for a moment. "Yes Son," he replied, "Sometimes
a lawyer will do anything to win a case."
In New York there's this one bar where the owner does not serve
lawyers. A while back, one lawyer did him much wrong, and ever since
he has not allowed even a single lawyer into his bar. The owner found
a way to go about this so it was legal and could not be considered
discrimination, and this was well-known throughout the area.
One day two men walked into his bar and he could tell right off that
they were lawyers just by looking at them, since he'd been honing this
talent since the original incident.
The owner went up to them and told them that he could tell they're
lawyers and that they would have to leave.
But instead of leaving or arguing, one of the men said, "Actually,
we're only law students. If we were lawyers, we'd have passed the bar."
One day in Contract Law class, a Professor asked one of his better
students, "Now, if you were to give someone an orange, how would
you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was livid.
"No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the Professor instructed.
The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and
convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim,
title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all
its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with
full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give
the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds,
anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds,
instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in
anywise notwithstanding..."
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard
talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?"
asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury
cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognised a former high school
classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown. He crossed
the deck, seized the fellow's hand and said: "Hello, Pete. I
haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?"
"I'm practising law," whispered Pete. "But don't tell mother.
She thinks I'm still a pimp."
There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight
with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail.
The next day the man went before the judge.
The judge asked the man, "where do you work?"
The man said, "here and there."
The judge asked the man, "what do you do for a living?"
The man said, "this and that."
The judge then said, "take him away."
The man said, "wait, judge when will I get out?"
The judge said to the man, "sooner or later."
A lawyer attended the funeral of a rich man. A friend, arriving
late, took a seat beside him and whispered, "How far has the service
gone?"
The lawyer nodded toward the clergyman in the pulpit and whispered
back, "He just opened for the defense."
A lawyer is talking to his client. He says, "I have some good
news, and I have some bad news."
The client says, "I could use some good news. What is it?"
"You ex-wife is not making you pay on future inheritance. And
now the bad news is, that she is marrying your father."
A lawyer, doctor and priest were on an airplane over the ocean.
The plane went down and the only survivors were those three. They
started swimming towards an island when sharks appeared. SNAP!!!
The doctor was eaten. SNAP!!! The priest was eaten. The lawyer made
it to the island, and was later picked up and returned to port.
The press asked him why the sharks ate the other two and not him.
He replied, "Professional courtesy."
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking
to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that
would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt
of court."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor
of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to
his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"
Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the
case if you'd sent them."
"But I did send them.", replied the man.
"What?" shouted the lawyer?
"I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered
to enclose the plaintiff's business card."
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk
are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot
a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the
lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
"Tell me," said the Personnel Director of a large corporation, "Are
you an honest attorney?"
"Honest?" the lawyer replied. "Let me tell you something. My father
lent me ten thousand dollars for my education and I paid him back in
full after my first case."
"I'm impressed," he said. "And what case was that?"
The attorney squirmed slightly. "He sued me for the money."
A lawyer, having lost a case, asked for a new trial.
The judge denied his motion, remarking, "The court and the jury think
the prisoner a knave and a fool."
The counsel replied, "The prisoner wishes to say he is perfectly
satisfied, as he has been tried by a court and jury of his peers."
Two lawyers were having a dispute. One said to the other, who was
a dwarf, "If you are not more civil I will put you in my pocket."
"Then," replied the little lawyer, "you will have more law in your
pocket than you do in your head."
The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense
attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came
from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.
Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the
constable you had never felt better in your life?"
Farmer: "That's right."
Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming
you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your
wagon?"
Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my
horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went
over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot
him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the
circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've
never felt better in my life.
For 3 years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn. The last time there, he'd
finally managed to have an affair with the innkeeper's
daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged
his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were
pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could
have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my
condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin.' We
decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family
than a lawyer."
A lawyer, architect and a priest were lost in the woods
when they came upon a house. They knocked on the door and
asked the farmer if they could spend the night there.
"Sure," said the farmer, "but I only have two rooms in
the house and one of you will have to sleep in the barn."
So after a brief discussion, the architect decided to
sleep in the barn.
An hour later the architect comes back and says: "I can't
sleep there, the pig's pen isn't structurally safe."
So the Priest says that he will go down there. An hour
later he comes back up and says: "I can't sleep down there,
it's against my religion." So the lawyer decides to go.
An hour later the pigs came up and knocked on the door.
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly
started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised,
the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see
that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just
can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "Look,
I'm a lawyer. Am I fucking the guy in front of me?"
Three lawyers and three MBAs are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three MBAs each buy tickets and watch as the three
lawyers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an MBA.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a lawyer.
They all board the train. The MBAs take their respective seats but
all three lawyers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket,
please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The MBAs saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the
conference, the MBAs decide to copy the lawyers on the return trip and
save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get
to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their
astonishment, the lawyers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed MBA.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a lawyer.
When they board the train the three MBAs cram into a restroom and the
three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the lawyers leaves his restroom and walks
over to the restroom where the MBAs are hiding. He knocks on the door
and says, Ticket, please."
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from
time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered
for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him
down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite
cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the
bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid
the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak
Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and
translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out,
in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of
the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare
shoot me.'"
A Lawyer and an Economist are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from LA to NY. The Lawyer leans over to the Economist and
asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Economist just wants
to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window
to catch a few winks.
The Lawyer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a
lotta fun.
He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the
answer, I'll pay you $5."
Again, the Economist politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The Lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"
This catches the Economist's attention, and he sees no end to this
torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The Lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?"
The Economist doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls
out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Lawyer.
Now, it's the Econmist's turn. He asks the Lawyer, "What goes up a
hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The Lawyer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his
laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into
the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of
Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers - all to no
avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Economist and hands him $50.
The Economist politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get
back to sleep.
The Lawyer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Economist and asks,
"Well, so what's the answer?"
Without a word, the Economist reaches into his wallet, hands the
Lawyer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness
was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally
figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to
fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money
to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he
passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in
the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed
with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have
had me put the money in the basement."
The terrorists have siezed the "Attorney Building" along with
everyone in it. They are demanding $10 Million. But the negotiations
break down as the deadline appears. The terrorists announce to the
police, "In case you think we're not serious, if our demands aren't
met, we're going to start releasing the lawyers, one at a time."
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed
the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get
prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if
everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer
who is still going around passing out business cards."
An engineer dies and ends up in Hell. Pretty soon, the engineer
gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts
designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling
what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he
should never have gotten down there in the first place; send him back
up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and
I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here NOW or I'll sue!"
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where
are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Then there was the lawyer who died. St. Peter looked at the book of
the barrister's life, and asked how old he was when he died.
"42," answered the lawyer.
"Well," said St. Peter, "according to your billing records you must
be at least 90."
Akron, Ohio, Municpal Judge Marvin Shapiro had before him a
ramrod-straight soldier on a minor traffic charge who answered
in the affirmative to questions with "Roger."
Shapiro explained to the court reporter what "Roger" meant,
then asked the young GI, "What does 'Marvin' mean in military
lingo?"
The soldier shifted uneasily, glanced at the magiserial
presence peering down at him and responded, "I believe it
means 'kiss butt,' your honor."
A hush fell over the court, interrupted by Shapiro's laughter.
"I violated my own rule," he said. "Never ask a question
unless you know the answer."
A guy was driving down the highway with some moonshine equipment in
the back of his flatbed. A cop pulled him over and said he would be
arrested for making liquor.
"But I wasn't making liquor!" Said the man.
"You've got the equipment for it right there!" the cop snapped back.
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I'm making it."
"Well, I have to take you in."
So the man was hauled off to jail and the next morning stood in front
of the judge.
"You've been found guilty of illegaly making liquor," said the judge.
"I'll have to fine you $500."
"But, your honor, I wasn't making liquor."
"You were caught with the equipment for it in your truck."
"Fine," said the man handing the judge $1000.
"Uh, you only owe $500 for your fine," said the judge.
"The extra $500 is for rape."
"What?" said the judge. "You're confessing that you committed rape?"
"No," said the man, "but I've got the equipment for it."
Guy sits at a bar on the tenth floor of a hotel, morose and pissed
off because he'd just got left naked by his wife's divorce lawyer.
Sitting next to him are a Russian, a Cuban, and an American lawyer.
The Russian takes out a large bottle of vodka. He pours each of his
companions a drink, then throws the half-full bottle out of the window.
"Why did you do that?" asks the lawyer.
"Tradition," replies the Russian. "There is so much vodka in my
country, we have more than we can ever use."
A little later the Cuban passes around a box of Cuban cigars. Everyone
takes one, then he throws the rest of the box out of the window.
"My god!" shouts the lawyer. "Why did you do that?"
"Tradition," replies the Cuban. "Cigars are a dime a dozen in my
country. We have more of them than we know what to do with."
The divorced guy sits in silence for a moment, thinking.
Then he gets up, grabs the lawyer, and throws him out of the window.
"Goddamn, I love tradition," he muttered.
Two attorneys took a long safari vacation in the African bush.
One day, they took a rest, removed their packs, and leaned their
rifles against a tree. They were startled when a large, hungry
looking lion emerged from the jungle and began eyeing them with
anticipation. It was clear that the attorneys' rifles were too
far away to do them any good. One attorney began to remove his
shoes, and was asked by the other why he was doing that.
The man replied, "Because I can run faster without them."
The first lawyer told him, "I don't care how fast you can run,
you'll never outrace that lion."
The now-barefoot attorney told him, "I don't have to outrun
the lion. I just have to outrun you."
Theres the story of the aged Apostolic preacher that finally reached
the end of his Earthly walk and was received up into heaven.
When he reached the great city he was met by a small choir of angels
and escorted to a nice mansion. He was enjoying visiting with the other
saints and talking with the angels. He found that heaven was certainly
much better than he had ever imagined it would be and was pleased to
see saints that he had baptised that had made it on ahead of him.
One day he was relaxing calmly when he heard tremendous shouting
reverberating through the streets of gold. He went to his window and
beheld a tremendous celebration with pomp and glory as he had never
before beheld.
He rushed to the street below in time to see legions of angels
holding a newcomer up in their midst and dancing around him with
reckless abandon and ecstacy as they paraded him through the streets
of gold with a huge orchestra and mass choir dancing and singing with
all of their strength.
Somewhat taken aback after the main entourage had passed by he asked
one of the angels standing by.
"Look, I served the Lord most all of my years and never waivered,
but when I arrived all I got was a small welcome, but this man gets
a great parade the likes of which I have never seen, is that fair?"
To which the angel replied, "Well, we have been getting faithful
Apostolic preachers regularly here for almost 2000 years, but, you
see, this is our first lawyer".
CASE STUDY:
A widow comes to your office for advice, paying you
with a brand new one hundred dollar bill. After the
consultation you take the bill and, when placing it
in you wallet, discover a second one hundred dollar
bill stuck to the back of the first.
ETHICAL QUESTION FOR DISCUSSION:
Should you tell your partner?
A young man and woman were both killed on their way to their wedding.
Upon entering Heaven, they explained that they were still very much and
love and still wanted to get married. St. Peter shrugged and told them
that it would be all right, but it might take a little time.
Fifty or so years went by, and finally St. Peter finally returned with
a minster and allowed the couple to marry.
Unfortunately, only a few years later the couple started having
problems and decided to ask for a divorce. They went to St. Peter and
asked if this was possible.
Somewhat annoyed, he replied "Look, it took us fifty years to get a
minister up here. Can you imagine how long it's going to take to get
a lawyer?"
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by
an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section
through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid
the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in
the back room of the general store, but the attorney for the railroad
immediately cornered the rancher to get him to settle out of court. The
lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take
half of what he was asking. The lawyer cut him a check.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young
lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the
rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over
on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. No way. The engineer was
asleep from smoking too much dope, and the fireman was passed out in the
caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't
have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a
little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull
came home this morning."
One afternoon a lady went to her gynecologist for her annual check-up.
After the exam the doctor asks "You've been my patient now for ten
years, you've been married three times, and you're still a medically,
honest to goodness virgin. How can that be?"
The lady explains, "My first husband was an English Professor and he
always wrote about it. My second husband was a philosopher and he always
thought about it. My third husband was a carpenter and he always said
he'd get around to it but, I'm about to marry a lawyer, so I know I'll
get screwed this time!"
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.
Only one could go, and he couldn't return to earth. The
first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted
to be paid for going.
"A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate
it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question.
He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million
to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for
the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money
he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three
million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give
you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million and we'll send the
engineer to Mars."
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen
were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather
well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of
them.
One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give
$50.00 to spend the night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark,
turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after
bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the
young lady to her apartment. The following morning the man
presented her with $25.00 as he prepared to leave. She
demanded the rest of the money, stating: "If you don't give
me the other $25.00, I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these
grounds."
The next day he was surprised when he received a summons
ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit.
He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the
case.
His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgement against
you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her
case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed
the court as follows,: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is
the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded
by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed
to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for
the sum of $50.00. The defendant took possession of the
property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it
was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only
$25.00, one-half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not
excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask
judgement be granted against the defendant to assure payment
of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way
his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore,
was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to
present it.
"Your honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has
a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for
a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the
transaction. However, my client found a well on the property
around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and
erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We
claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to
offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was
adequately compensated for rental of said property. We,
therefore, ask that judgement not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered thusly: "Your honor, my
client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her
property. However, had the defendant not known that the
well existed, he would never have rented the property.
Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed
the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with
him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through
the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was
prior to his occupancy, making the property much less
desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgement be
granted."
And it was. She won the case ...
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to
cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says,
"Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon
descends to below the cloud cover.
George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy
on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, could you tell
us where we are?".
And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet
up in the air".
George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer".
And Harry says "How can you tell?".
George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and
totally useless".
THE REGULATION OF THE HUNTING AND HARVESTING OF LAWYERS
1. Any person with a valid Alberta small game license may
also hunt and harvest lawyers for recreational and sporting
(non commercial) purposes.
2. The taking of lawyers with leg traps and snares is
permitted. The use of currency or alcoholic beverages
as bait, however is prohibited
3. The willful killing of lawyers with motor vehicles is
prohibited, unless such a vehicle is an ambulance being
driven in reverse. If a lawyer is accidentally struck
by a motor vehicle, the dead lawyer should be removed
from the roadway and the local animal control officer
notified. The vehicle should then proceed to the nearest
car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, harass, or harvest lawyers
from a power boat, motor vehicle, helicopter or fixed wing
aircraft.
5. It is unlawful to shout "Whiplash", "Ambulance" or
"Free Scotch" for the purpose of trapping lawyers.
6. It is unlawful to hunt lawyers within one hundred (100)
meters of BMW, Porsche, Mercedes or Jaguar dealers. Premises
of dealers who also sell domestic vehicles are exempt.
7. It is unlawful to hunt lawyers within two hundred (200)
meters of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country
clubs, police stations, brothels or hospitals.
8. No license is required for the purpose of tracking,
hunting, or trapping lawyers who have gained or are
seeking to gain elected office.
9. It is unlawful for a hunter to be disguised as a reporter,
accident victim, physician, chiropractor, or tax accountant
for the purpose of hunting lawyers.
10. Bag limits per day:
Active Politicians - 4
Yellow Bellied Sidewinders - 2
Two Faced Tortfeasors - 1
Back Stabbing Divorce Litigators - 3
Horn Rimmed Cut-Throats - 2
Big Mouthed Pub Gut - 2
Brown Nosed Judge Kisser - 2
Silver Tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
Hairy Assed Civil Libertarian -7
Honest Lawyers - PROTECTED (Endangered Species)
11. Possession Limit:
Same as daily bag limit except:
Active Politicians -unlimited
Now that lawyers can advertise, says a reporter, you had better brace
yourself for the following pitch from one who specializes in divorces:
"Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back."
"Lawyers advertising! What'll become of the profession?
Why, if lawyers advertise, we'll have to do business with
all sorts of hucksters! People who deal daily in deception,
dragging the profession down to their level of distortion
and exaggeration!"
"Yes, it's really a blow to the legal profession."
"Legal profession? No, no the advertising profession."
A lawyer was questioning one of the witnesses.
"Are you sure my client shot him at close range?"
The witness aid, "Very close range."
"Were there powder marks on him?"
"Yup. Why do you think she shot him?"
A lawyer and an engineer werefishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer
said I'm here becasue my house burned down and everything I owned was
destroyed. The insurance company paid for everything.
"That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer. I'm here because
all my belonging were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company
also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused, "How do you start a flood?"
A snake and a rabbitt were racing along a pair of intersecting
forest paths when they collided at the intersection. They
immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at
fault for the mishap. The snake remarked that he had been blind
since birth and thus is entitled to additional leeway. The rabbit
said he too had also been blind since birth.
The two animals quickly forgot about the collision and began
discussing the problems with being blind. The snake said his
greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been
able to see his reflection in the water and for that reason
did not know what he looked like or even what he was. The
rabbit declared he had the same problem. Seeing a way to help
one another the rabbit proposed that each feel the other from
head to toe and describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed and started winding himself around the rabbit.
After a few moments he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy
fur, long ears, big feet and a little fuzzy ball for a tail.
I think you must be a rabbit!"
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity and proceeded
to return the favor. After feeling about the snake's body for a
few minutes the rabbit declared, "Well, you're scaly, slimy,
you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the
time and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the
counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a
neighbour ofhis who happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour
and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop,
would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast worth?"
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for
the cost of the roast. Attached to it was an invoice that read:
Legal Consultation Service $150.00
A man took a trip out west after a horrowing divorce proceeding.
He went to a bar and after a few drinks stated, to no one in
particular, "All Lawyers are horse's asses!"
One of the locals spoke up on hearing this, "Mister, you'd better
watch what you're saying. This here is Horse Country!"
A physician, an engineer and an attorney were discussing who among
them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.
The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from
Adam thus making him the first surgeon. Therefore medicine is the
oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and
ended the chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer.
Engineering is thus older than medicine"
Then the lawyer spoke up.
"Yes," he said, "But who do you think created the chaos and confusion?"
Lorenzo Dow, an Evaangelist of the last century, was on a
preaching tour and came upon a small town one cold, winter's
night. He entered the local general store to get some warmth,
and saw the town's lawyers gathered about the pot-bellied
stove, discussing the town's business. Not one of them
offered to let him into the circle.
Down told the men who he was and that he had recently had a
vision where he'd been given a tour of Hell, much like the
traveler in Dante's 'Inferno'.
One of the lawyers asked him what he had seen.
He replied, "Very much what I see here, All of the lawyers
gathered in the hottest place."
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very
anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw his first
visitor to the office come in the door he quickly picked up
his phone and spoke into it.
"I'm sorry my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going
to be able to look into your problem for at least a month.
I'll have to get back to you then."
He then turned to the man who had just walked in and asked,
"Now, what can I do for you?"
"Nothing," replied the man, "I'm here to hook up your phone."
The Devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.
"I can arrange thing for you," the Devil said. "I'll increase
your income five-fold, partners will love you, your clients
will respect you, you'll have four weeks of vacation each year
and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is your
wife's soul, your children's souls and their children's souls
for all eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment.
"What's the catch?"
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor
was approached by a man who asked for advice on how to handle his ulcer.
The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and
remarked, "Know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical
advice during social fnctions? Is it acceptable to send a bill for such
advice?"
The lawyer replied, "It certainly is acceptable to do so."
So, the next day the doctor sent the ulcer stricken man a bill.
The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.
An engineer, a physicist and a lawyer were being interviewed
for a job as Chief Executive Officer of a large corporation.
The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long
list of questions, ending with, "How much is two plus two?"
The engineer ecused himself, and made a series of measurements
and calculations before returnin to the board room and
announced, "Four."
The physicist was interviewed next, and was asked the same
questions. The last question was, "How much is two plus two?"
He too excused himself, made for the library and did a great
deal of research. After a consultation with the United States
Bureau of Standards and doing many calculations he also
announced, "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question
was, "How much is two plus two?"
The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside
to see if anyone was listening, checked the phone for bugging
devices, then whispered, "How much do you want it to be?"
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan
that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth
with him. he looked for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer,
his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "i'm going to give you
each $30,000 in cash before i die and at the funeral, i want you to
place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral,
each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman
said I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a
good chum all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.
The church needs a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the
money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "well, since we're confiding in one another,
as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.
A man had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if i had this
very machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and i couldn't afford it then.
I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that i might be able
to save more patients. I know that smith would have wanted me to do that."
The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. when I put my
envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legals
gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "we got out with $25 between us."
"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!", the boss screamed. "We had
one hundred when we broke in!"
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's
partner had passed away unexpectedly.
"Is Mr. smith there?" asked the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist
answered.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client.
The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me
Mr. Smith passed away last night."
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again.
"Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated
receptionist, "Mr. Smith is dead."
"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear
it often enough."
A blizzard struck the law school town one february evening, and the
next morning the streets were impassable. One law student who lived two
miles from the campus and who normally commuted by elevated railway heard
on the radio that the El was not running. Dutifully he trudged through
the snow-filled sidewalks, arriving twenty minutes late for his contracts
class. There at the podium was the professor was holding forth to an
audience of one.
Instead of taking his regular seat, the student slipped into the seat
next to the other fellow. The new arrival listened to the lecture and
after a bit leaned toward the other student.
"What's he talking about?" he whispered.
"How should I know?" came the reply. "I only got here five minutes
before you did."
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. he sees
a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this
particular store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for doctor brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"100 dollars an ounce! Why is lawyer brain so expensive?"
"Do you have any idea how many lawyers you need to kill to get one
ounce of brains?"
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
for a living, "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your father
do all day?"
Tim stood and proudly said, "he's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. how about you, Sarah?"
Sarah shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
mailman."
"Thank you, Sarah," said the teacher. "What about your father, billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays the piano in a
whorehouse."
The teacher was horrified and promptly changed the subject to geography.
That day she went to billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father
answered the door. The teacher repeated what his son had said and demanded
an explanation.
Billy's father said, "Well, I'm actually an attorney. but how can I
explain that to a seven-year-old?"
A dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city donated
to a fund for his funeral. The lord chief justice of orbury was asked to
donate a shilling.
"A shilling?" said the justice, "It only takes shilling to bury an
attorney here's a guinea; go bury 20 of 'em!"
The son of a spanish lawyer graduated from college and was considering
his future. He went to his father, who had a very large office, and
asked if he might be given a desk in the corner where he could observe
his father's activities. He could be introduced to his father's clients
as a clerk. That way, he could decide on whether or not to become a
lawyer. His father saw this to be a splendid idea, and this arrangement
was set up immediately.
The son's first day at work, the first client in the morning was a
rough-hand with calloused hands, in workman's attire, who began the
conversation follows:
"Mr. lawyer, I work for some people named Gonzales who have a ranch on
the side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and raised
some animals on the side...I have raised the cows, tended them, fed
them, and it has always been my understanding and belief that I was the
owner of the cows. Mr Gonzales died and his son has inherited the farm,
and he believes that since they were raised on his ranch and fed on his
hay, the cows are his. In short we have a dispute as to the ownership of
the cows."
The lawyer said, "I heard enough. I will take your case. don't worry
about the cows!"
After the tenant farmer left, the next client came in, a young, well
dressed man, clearly a member of the landed class.
"My name is Gonzales. I own a farm on the east side of the town," he
said. "For many years, a tenant on the farm worked for my family
tending the crops and animals, including some cows. The cows have been
raised on my land and fed on my hay, and I believe that belong to me,
but the tenant farmer believes that since he raised them and cared for
them, they are his. In short, we have a dispute over ownership of the
cows."
The lawyer said, "I have heard enough. i will take your case. don't
worry about the cows!"
After the client left, the son came over to his father with a look of
concern.
"My father, I know nothing of the law, but it seems to me that we have
a serious problem regarding these cows."
"Don't worry about the cows!" he replied, "All the cows will be ours!
A lawyer named 'Strange' was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
made selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription
I would like on it "here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded
the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state,
against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could
put `Here Lies an Honest Lawyer'."
"But that won't let people know who it is!", protested the lawyer.
"Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and
exclaim, That's Strange!"
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked,
"Give it to me straight. How long have I got?"
The physician replied that he doesn't think that the man would
survive the night.
The man then said, "Call for my lawyer."
When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on
one side of the bed, while the lawyer stands on the other. The man then
laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained there for several
minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.
The man replied, "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just
thought I'd check out the same way."
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