Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Who are the slowest talkers in the world?
Convicts. They can spend 25 years on a single sentence.
What did the jury say when the judge asked for order in the court?
Justice is served.
A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge said, "What will you take, 30 days or $30."
The man replied, "I think I'll take the money."
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
What's the difference between a Federal Judge and God?
God doesn't think he's a Federal Judge.
How did Anita Hill learn her job?
Hands-on training.
Clarence Thomas is alleged to have said:
Being called unethical by Ted Kennedy is like being called slimy
by a snail.
What do you get if you cross Clarence Thomas and Long Dong Silver?
The first throbbing member of the Supreme Court.
What do Clarence Thomas and Catholic boys have in common?
They can fuck up, not confess, and still get confirmed.
Why did Thomas really want to be in the Supreme Court?
So he could fuck every woman in the country.
What would happen if Clarence Thomas bragged about his
penis to Gennifer Flowers?
She'd let it slide.
What's on Justice's Clarance Thomas' calendar this month?
Miss October.
What's black and white and red all over?
The supreme Court after one of Clarence Thomas' hearings.
What do Bob Packwood, Clarence Thomas and David Copperfield have
in common?
All make people disappear when they pull out their wands.
Why what does Clarence Thomas have against Judge Ginsburg?
She doesn't eat pork.
What does Thomas like about Ginsburg?
She brings a box lunch.
What's the worst thing about Ginsburg?
She'll give the most dangerous criminals a discount on their sentences.
An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy
about his accommodations. He complained to st. peter, who told him that
his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately
advised him he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be
waiting at least 10 years before his appeal could be heard.
The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but
fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who said
that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days,
if the attorney was willing to change venue to hell.
When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner
in hell was told, "We have all of the judges."
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the
stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known
you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a
rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he,
too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has
a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with
anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state.
Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called
both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with
menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail
for contempt within 5 minutes!"
A true story from a court clerk, who is well aware of the jury
selection process.
First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the
entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then
another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then
the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.
During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential
Juror No. 1 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and
impartial juror.
"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 10 is my ex-wife, and if
we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree
on anything."
Both were excused.
At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women:
Defendant: "Your Honor, I wish to change my plea."
Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change
your mind?"
Defendant: "No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn't know there
would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my
wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors."
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic
violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench.
"Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this
court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write
'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."
The judge said to the man, "This is the fifth time I've had you in
this court. Aren't you a little ashamed?"
"Your Honor, haven't I seen you five times? Do I criticize you?
A man was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are
charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter
to death with a hammer."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You
God-damned bastard!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom,
and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this
crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or
I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"
The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen
years I lived next door to that bastard. And every time I asked to
borrow a hammer, he said he never had one!"
Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now
and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
The Judge called the death row prisoner into his chambers.
"I'm afraid that clemency is out of the question in your case.
The Governor just got indicted."
A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught
a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He
asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get
one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the
license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they
had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice
versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and
got another license.
This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date
in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk...After five reissued
licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there
are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and
any children you might have would be technical bastards."
Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."
One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days
he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything
during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a
bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple of
park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for
killing an endangered species.
At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming that
if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The
judge ruled in his favor. In the judges closing statement he asked the
man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have
never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like?"
The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping
crane and a spotted owl."
The courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing
of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning
his coffee. The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him
in order to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, since
she had been so "matter-of-fact" about the whole thing all during the
trial.
"Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morning where you
felt pity for your husband?"
"Well...yeah...I guess..." she replied.
"And when was that?" pressed the attorney.
"Well...when he asked for his third cup." she said.
A man was hailed into court for dumping rubbish in a forbidden area.
The judge asked, "Didn't you see the sign posted there?"
"Yes sir, I sure did," replied the man. "It says real plain in big
letters...'FINE FOR DUMPING'!'"
Standing before the judge during an alimony hearing, the man said,
"As God is my judge, I do not owe that mad woman money!"
The judge calmly replied, "He isn't. I am. You do."
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and
asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle
of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's
parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a
two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily
like the music, but the answer to your questions is 'yes'."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want
a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.
My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the
prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offence," said the judge. "How early were you doing this
shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less then a year later
he was in court filing for a divorce.
"Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said.
"Well, Your Honor," Dan started, "every once in a while my
sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife
are identical, sometimes I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the
judge said.
"Exactly, Your Honor. That's why I want the divorce."
The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West
Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce
in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since
she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody
of them.
The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge
asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence,
the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when
I put a dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it
belong to me or the machine?"
Monty Stein, in the year 3047, committed quite a heist and made off
with quite a tidy sum. He was eventually caught, and the judge sentenced
him to seven years imprisonment. However, the night before his impending
incarceration, he calmly set his time machine for seven years and one
day, and stepped through.
When he emerged in 3054, there was quite an uproar. Prosecution
maintained that Monty Stein never actually served the sentence, since
effectively no time passed for him. Defense stated that the effect was
basically the same, since he lost seven years of living in society, or
something to that effect. Both sides called each other names (as lawyers
are wont to do).
Eventually, Stein was set free. Some say that the judge succumbed to
peer pressure; others said that he simply couldn't resist the temptation.
For his decision, in full, was: ..."A niche in time saves Stein."
A Dog Named Sex
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex."
He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I
would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I'd like one, too!"
Then, I said, "But this is a dog."
He said he didn't care what she looked like.
Then, I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was
9 years old."
He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid." When I got
married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the
motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room
for Sex.
He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill,
we don't care what you do."
I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake
at night."
The clerk said, "Funny-I have the same problem."
One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began,
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing
there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the
contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets.
"But you don't understand," I said.
"I had hoped to have Sex on TV."
He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal
anymore."
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of
the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married."
The judge said, "The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case,
please."
Then, I told him that after I was married, Sex left me.
He said, "Me, too."
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him.
A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at
4 o'clock in the morning?"
I told him I was looking for Sex.
My court case comes up next Friday
A drunk was hauled into court.
"Mister," the judge began, "you've been brought here for drinking."
"Great!" the drunk exclaimed. "When do we get started?"
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged
that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, "Does this mean that I cannot
call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig, 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson'
with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon,
Mrs. Johnson."
UNPOPULARITY AWARD -- goes to Steven Shea, a circuit judge in the
Florida Keys. The National Law Journal this month said prosecutors,
private attorneys, a bailiff, court reporters, clerks and four other
judges complained about him to the state Judicial Qualifications
Commission. The commission took the rare step of asking the state's
highest court to suspend Shea because he was regarded with "physical
and emotional fear" due to his "retaliatory conduct" toward anyone
who disagreed with him. Some complainants alleged that the judge
brandished a gun in chambers. Shea denied that to the commission
but said he had chosen strategic moments to unlock the drawer where
everyone knew he kept the gun, the NLJ said.
A country boy went to the local magistrate and asked for a divorce.
The judge couldn't understand why this drastic action had to be taken.
The young man said, "I was married under false pretenses."
The judge asked, "Isn't your wife all you expected?"
The country boy said, "Yup, but I just found out her pa didn't have
a license for that gun!"
A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down
at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in
amazement.
"Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the man.
"I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof."
"Yes, go on," said the astounded judge.
"Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went
to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had
to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in
another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And got back
in line for my card."
"And?" said the judge.
"And he asked 'Can you prove you're from Brixton, in London?...'
So I stabbed him."
While walking through a courthouse, a kid enters an empty courtroom.
He sees a fine leather briefcase (the kind the lawyers carry) sitting
on the table, picks it up and exits through the back door of the
courtroom into the judge's chambers. And who should be sitting there;
the judge.
Judge: Hey kid, are you familiar with the liquor store across the street
from the courthouse?
Kid: (nods).
Judge: Good, I want you to go across the street and steal me a bottle
of booze. The kid runs across the street, enters the liquor store, and
when the proprietor is not looking, slips a fifth into the briefcase
and brings it back to the judge. The judge immediately opens the bottle
and swigs half of it.
Judge: Hey kid, I need you to run another errand. There's a contractor,
Slapdash Construction, next to the liquor store. Go to them and tell
them that the judge sent you. They'll give you a brown paper bag. Bring
it back to me.
The kid runs to Slapdash Construction, tells them that the judge sent
him, receives a brown paper bag filled with fifties and hundreds, puts
it into the briefcase and takes it to the judge.
Judge: Kid, you did great. Now unzip my fly.
The kid unzips the judge's fly.
Judge: Now take it out and---
Kid: Hey wait a minute mister. I'm not a real attorney; I just found
this briefcase in the courtroom!!!
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for
a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited
hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the
judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the
afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared,
"Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented.
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now"
The young man replied, " I'm just seeing if I have enough for two
more words. "
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
A woman is on the witness stand.
The judge says, "What happened?"
She says, "I was walking down the sidewalk, when he grabbed me,
dragged me into an alley, ripped off my dress, pulled down my
panties, and bent me over a garbage can... I...I don't even
remember what happened next..."
The judge says (jerking off motion), "Make something up! Make
something up!"
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