Crime Jokes

Crime Jokes



PLEA BARGAIN: Robert William Greer Jr., 52, in a Texas court on murder
charges, agreed to plead guilty if he could stay in the county jail 
through the end of the month since he believes he would have a better 
chance of seeing the Super Bowl on TV in the jail than in state prison.
Prosecutors agreed with the request, so District Judge Bob Gill sentenced
Greer to 18 years, and asked the county sheriff to delay his transfer to 
prison. 
  Maybe now some wives will know just how important the championship is.



  A professional informant sued New Zealand police for breach of contract.
Claiming he was under-compensated after providing information about drug 
and gun crimes.  Even though a specific amount was never agreed on, the 
man's lawyer, Paul Dale, said his client was promised enough money be a 
female police detective to set himself up in a new life.
  Instead, Dale pointed out, the man "recovered only about $6,000, and he
was left high and dry and has since had to leave the country because of 
fear of retribution."
  The man is seeking $220,000.



  Even though Poor Innocent Guy Donald Hieronimus, 46, was convicted of 
attacking and choking a man, the judge in Kitchener, Ontario, handed him
a suspended sentence because the victim was Hieronimus' lawyer.   
  Responding to the defendant's insistence that he only choked his lawyer
because his wife so ordered him, the judge responded with heartening 
words, "You don't have to do everything your wife tells you to do.



SPARKS, NV. (Reno Gazette) According to Sparks police, Felimone Ruiz-Perez
was burglarising a vehicle on Victorian Avenue around 3 a.m., when the
ruckus awoke its owner, an 84 year-old woman, who sleepily confronted him,
quite understandably causing him to panic.
  Police said the terror-stricken Felimone then tried to flee the scene,
but ran into the corner of a brick building, where they found him, knocked
unconscious. After being treated at a Reno hospital, Felimone was booked
for investigation of vehicle burglary and possession of stolen property
and put in Washoe County Jail where he was reportedly asking other inmates
about finding a lawyer to sue the 84 year-old woman ... and the brick 
building ... for unspecified damages.
  We suspect that J. Edgar Hoover's clawing his way out of his grave to
protect us from this desperado. Way to go amigo!



LIEGE, Belgium. (Belga) A man suspected of robbing a jewellery store said
he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the
same time. Police arrested him for breaking into the school.



BOSTON, MA. (AP) Richard Minsky, 52, was arrested attempting to run from
a pay phone after 90 minutes of calling women at random, telling them he
was holding loved ones at gunpoint, and that the ransom was to have sex 
with him.
  A police spokesman said Minsky, who has been convicted of sex crimes 
in several states, told one woman, 'We're holding a gun to your 
boyfriend's head, and we're going to shoot him if you don't do as we tell
you and to meet him at a hotel wearing her slinkiest outfit.'
  The woman, a lesbian with no boyfriend, called police and the calls 
were traced to one of three pay phones at the hotel, so detectives 
stepped up to the other two and listened and watched as Minsky made more 
calls.
  Minsky's been charged with three counts of attempted extortion and
assault, but his attorney, Thomas Henneberry, calling the case weak, 
said his client could have been running to catch a train.?



  Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, 
he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.  The 
warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements
for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.  After 3 years, Andy 
was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often 
he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of 
the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday 
night was over.
  The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had 
done much of the work himself.  But he lacked the skills to build a 
set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised
his wife.  So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete
the job for him.
  But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like 
to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the 
first place".


 
YOU MEAN ME?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"  When his partner
moved, the startled first bandit shot him.



DEADHEADS
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving
alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in
the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that 
passengers must be alive to qualify.



THIS WOULD BE ME
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook.  The bailiff
opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." 
Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.



AHH, THAT'S BETTER!
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in
recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of
five robberies and a kidnapping.  The judge reduced the sentence to
1,001 years.




   This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down 
with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all 
alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture.  
So, she holds up a hand and says: "ACTS 2:38!!!"
  The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is 
able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops. When the cops arrive,
the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that 
a woman alone with no weapon could do this.
  One of them asked the lady, "How did you do this?"
  The woman replied, "I quoted scripture."
  The cop turned the burglar, "What was it about the scripture that had
such an effect on you?"
  The burglar replied: "Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said 
she had an axe and two 38's."



CHARGES DISMISSED AGAINST QUILTER WHO USED ROTARY CUTTER IN SELF DEFENSE

  M. Collins of a South Eastern town was coming home one evening from 
her monthly quilting guild meeting.  She decided to stop at a convenience
store to buy a drink and get gas for her vehicle.  Upon exiting her
vehicle she noticed that her front left tire was low on air so she pulled
her vehicle around the side of the building to put air in her tire.
  She was confronted by 2 young men who demanded that she give them her
purse.  She stared them down, laughingly asked if they were joking.  The
you responded by pulling knives on her, pushing her against the vehicle
and demanded her purse.  She than informed them that it was in her
quilter's bag in the car.  They told her to get it and pushed her in the
car.  One youth was leaning over the drivers side of the door vehicle
while the other youth went to the passenger side and demanded that she
unlock the door.  It was than that  M. Collins took the opportunity to
pull out one of two rotary cutters in her bag as she was leaning to
unlock the door, and at the same time with exact precision she hurriedly
pushed with all force the drivers side door forcing the assailant of
balance long enough for her to get out of the vehicle and grab him by
the hair and slam his face against the hood of her vehicle.  She than
proceeded to cut strips from the jacket he was wearing. The other
assailant jumped out of the vehicle and started towards her when she
slammed the 1st assailant face once again in the hood of the vehicle and
held the rotary cutter against his neck informing the other assailant to
drop his knife.  Instead the 2nd assailant got scared, dropped his knife
and started running away in the opposite direction.
  M. Collins took the strips she had cut out of the assailants jacket 
and tied his hands together than took another strip to tie him to the 
mirror of her vehicle. She than ran towards the front of the building 
yelling for help.  A  male customer came running to see what was going
on and a store clerk called 911.   Police arrived on the scene and 
found the assailant still tied to the mirror of the vehicle while the 
male customer stood watching over him.
  It was thru the investigation of the crime that police found out who 
the 2nd assailant was. Both were charged with aggravated assault with 
intent to do harm, and attempted forced armed robbery.  Both assailants
were found guilty and given a sentence of 12 years.
  But than the parents of the youth whose jacket was cut up filed a suit
in civil court against M. Collins for damages done to the jacket, for
punitive damage for mental anguish caused him and his parents and other
family members and for threatening him bodily harm.  The suit contended
that teenagers have a right to protection from adults who deem to do
them harm, even if the youth is in the process of committing a crime.
The suit contended that the youth was not responsible for his actions,
but society was the one guilty for making him the way he was.
  The civil suit also contented that as a quilter with many years of
experience in the use of a rotary cutter that M. Collins deemed to use
it as a weapon and not a tool for a craft, therefore her threat of harm
to him was more definite in nature than the knife wheeling youths.  The
civil suit also contended that she had time to think out her actions and
commit the crime against the youth though granted what they did was
wrong but only a mischievous act that a lot of boys play out and that 
it should be treated as such.
  The judge in the civil suit was furious that his time and the courts
time was being wasted on such a ridiculous suit.  He refused to try the
civil case against M. Collins based on police reports of the incident
and stated that M. Collins was acting in self defense.  The judge
further stated that the youths should be happy that he did not try there
case for if he had had that opportunity he would have besides the
sentence they did receive would have required them to learn all about
quilting and spent there free time in prison doing work for the local
quilting guild by cutting materials and whatever else they deemed
appropriate.  They also would learn to appreciate an experienced quilter
like M. Collins who knew just how to properly cut strips of his jacket
without once cutting his skin.  He concluded that if they had
encountered a novice quilter they might have really been injured because
a novice quilter might not yet have learned to cut the material only and
could have done serious harm to there body as well.
  The judge states, "A Quilter is to be respected for the many works 
that they do for society, and the beautiful quilts that are made and 
some become a part of our history for generations.  That a quilter is
equal to Apple Pie and the American way of life."
  The reporter later found out that the judges wife has been an avid
quilter for 22 years.



  A newly convicted man was nervous his first day in prison because 
his cellmate looked like a tough customer.
  "Don't worry," the gruff fellow said, "I'm in for a white-collar crime."
  "Is that right?" the new con asked, relieved.
  "Yeah," said the prisoner. "I killed a priest.



  Three new Inmates are sitting in their cell contemplating the bleakness
of their futures. The first takes out a mouth organ "At least I can keep
myself amused by playing a little music. It'll help pass the time." The
second takes out a deck of cards. "At least I can keep myself amused by
Playing Solitaire. It'll help pass the time." The third man just smirks
and produces a box of tampons. "what good are those ask the other two in
bewilderment. The third Laughs and says "It says on the box that I can
ride, swim, ski or play tennis with these".



  A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.  Already there is a 
long-time resident who looks to be 100 years old. The new man looks 
at the old-timer inquiringly.
  The old-timer says, "Look at me.  I'm old and worn out. You'd never 
believe that I used to live the life of Riley! I wintered on the 
Riviera, had a yacht, four luxury cars, the most beautiful women, and 
I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
  The new man asked, "So, what happened?"
  "Er... One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"




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