Interview Jokes

Interview Jokes



  We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most 
of those interviews thinking about what not to do.  Don't bite your
nails.  Don't fidget.  Don't interrupt.  Don't belch.  If we did 
any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. 
But some job applicants go light years beyond this.

  We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American
corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job 
applicants.  The lowlights:

1. Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, 
   it would prove that the company's management was incompetent.

2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application. 

3. Brought her large dog to the interview. 

4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles. 

5. Candidate kept giggling through serious interview. 

6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music 
   at the same time.

7. Balding candidate abruptly excused himself.  Returned to office 
   a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.

8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle. 

9. Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive 
   was qualified to judge the candidate.

10. Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger 
    and french fries in the interviewer's office.

11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during 
    the middle of the interview.

12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial
    vice president.

13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having 
    the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering 
    specific interview questions.

15. Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to 
    call the police.

16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap 
    dancing around my office.

17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play against him. 

18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly 
    thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet. 

19. Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left. 

20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. 
    Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.

21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that 
    the offer was formal.

22. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much. 

23. While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out 
    a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping
    longest at the centerfold.

24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's 
    brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had 
    to leave for another interview.

25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his 
    wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? 
    When do l start? What's the salary?" I said, "l assume you're not 
    interested in conducting the interview any further."  He promptly
    responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't hire him, 
    and later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to 
    get a higher offer.

26. An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained 
    that the other shoe was stolen off her foot on the bus.

27. His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents 
    spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and
    perfume.

28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the 
    reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated 
    that he would require indoor parking for the moped.

29. He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot
    powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was 
    putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use 
    the powder four times a day, and this was the time. 

30. Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the 
    unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one. 

31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking. 

32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. 
    When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted 
    my phone number.  I called Security.

33. She threw up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions 
    about the job, like nothing had happened.

34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that 
    if he was not hired, the bomb would go off.  Disbelieving, I began 
    to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call
    the police.  He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch
    and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.

35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview. 




Not-Quite-Famous Interview Lines


Julius Caesar:
  My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. 
I'd like to get away from all that. 


Jesse James:
  I can list among my experience and skills: leadership, extensive 
travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, 
and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks. 


Marie Antoinette:
  My management style has been criticized, but I'd like to think of 
my self as a people person. 


Joseph Guillotine:
  I can give your company a head start on the competition. 


Hamlet:
  My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover. 


Lucretia Borgia:
  My greatest accomplishment? After I took over the department, 
our competition just seemed to drop out of sight one by one. 


Genghis Khan:
  My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my 
staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries. 


MacBeth:
  Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of guy 
who would knock off his boss for a promotion. 


Lady Godiva:
  What do mean this isn't business casual? 


Elvis:
  My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries. 



  "Why didn't Bobby get that job he applied for?"
  On his application, where it said "Position wanted", he listed 
"doggy style."



  The head of an important firm, looking at an application, is 
astonished when he notices that the applicant, though lacking 
experience, asks for an excessive salary.
  Rather puzzled, he asks him: "Doesn't it seem to you that
you're asking for an excessive salary considering the little 
experience you have?"
  "On the contrary," replies the applicant. "Work performed by 
one who knows nothing about it is harder and should be better paid."



Where To Place Prospective Job Applicants

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and 
put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave 
them alone for two hours, without any instruction.  At the 
end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart,
 put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray,
 assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud,
 send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs,
 Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut,
 Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor,
 perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs,
 put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests,
 Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping,
 they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience,
 send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room,
 assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks,
 send them to Marketing.




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