Three Insurance salesman were sitting in a restaurant boasting about each companies' service. The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and had mailed a check on Wednesday evening". The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening". The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor of the World Trade Center, Tower 1. One of our insured who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor". A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "We don't need anyone," they replied. "You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime anything." "We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job." He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00. "How in the world did you do that," they asked. "I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere anytime." "Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him. "Whats that?" he asked. "Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples." He was gone about 8 hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's." "Thats good," they said, "but whats in those two buckets?" "Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!" My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?" John wanted to have a very good insurance so he asked for offers. The first company offered: "From cradle to grave" but the second was better: "From womb to tomb." John was just taking this when a third company came with the ultimate offer: "From erection to resurrection!" The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application. The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father. The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged. The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'" Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesman was unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. "I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision," he announced, standing up to leave. "Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think." I happen to subscribe to Money Magazine which contains lots of tips. Take auto insurance for example. I carried $250. deductible and checking with my insurance agent $500. deductible would save me about $300. in annual premiums. So I told my agent to go ahead and change it to $500. deductible. Fine, the ins co sent me a refund for the annual premium (prorated) for the deductible. Then I got a nasty letter from the Credit Union saying that they had to have $250 deductible. So I marched off to the Credit Union and after three clerks and extensive lines, I was told it was "their policy". So I said, well, I can afford $500 just as easy as $250, besides I am saving $300 a year on the premium. "We don't care, $250 deductible is our policy". Then I said, well, I have more money in credit union shares than I owe on the damn car. "So what? $250. is our policy." I said, screw it, give me the pink slip (ownership certificate) and use my share account to pay the thing off. "Sorry, the computer is down and we cannot query for the balance due." Here is my last credit union statement showing the balance owed. "Sorry, we have to get the balance out of the computer". But...since payment on this loan is through payroll deduction, all you have to do is calculate from the end of the prior month as only two weeks have passed since the last statement date. "Sorry, we still have to get the balance out of the computer." Screw it. So I went to another window and inquired as to the balance in my share account. Asked and got a check for the total balance minus $5. Which you have to leave in to retain you membership in the credit union. I then deposited this check in my bank account and filled out a payroll deduction form canceling my payroll deduction to the credit union. When this hit the company IBM Sierra and it talked to the credit union computer - ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! The credit union manager called me on the phone and told me if I did not reinstate the payroll deduction they would repossess the car! So I went to the credit union once again with checkbook in hand and stormed into the Manager's office and demanded the damn pink slip. I told him that I was slightly annoyed and that at a recent seminar on communication that we were taught to remember that "a clerk is a jerk." He took offense to that and immediately calculated what the balance of the loan was BY HAND with a 10-key adding machine without a digital display, an old fashioned paper tape! Egads! Needless to say, I got my pink slip and the devil made me do it, I bought a green eyeshade for the Credit Union Manager to go with his old fashioned adding machine. Life Insurance Agent: Don't let me frighten you into a decision. Sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think. As part of its direct marketing program, J.C. Penneys sells life insurance over the phone. One of the oddest events these telemarketers had was when they received one phone call from a person wanting to buy life insurance. The person who answered the phone began writing the sale as normal until she got to the new customer's residence; he was on death row, due to be executed the next day. She had to decline the sale. The Story of Twelve Insurance Men First man slept with his wife .............Home Insurance Second man slept with his girl ............Mutual Benefit Third man slept with a chorus girl ........New York Life Fourth man slept with his secretary .......Employers Mutual Fifth man slept with a hotel maid .........Travelers Aid Sixth man slept with just anybody .........Metropolitan Seventh man slept with nobody .............John Handcock Eighth man slept with the woman next door..Royal Neighbors Ninth man slept with an old maid ..........Prudential Tenth man slept with grandma ..............Old Age Insurance Eleventh man slept with his boyfriend .....Odd Fellows Twelfth man slept with Charlie McCarthy ...Modern Woodsman The insurance agent was questioning the cowboy who had applied for a policy. "Ever have an accident?" he inquired. "Nope," was the answer. "Not even one?" asked the agent incredulously. "Nope," the cowboy insisted. "Rattler bit me once, though." "And don't you call that an accident?" exclaimed the amazed agent. "Nope; the danged varmint done it a-purpose." Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." There was a long pause before Susan replied, "In that case, I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband." Plain English homeowner's policy. Well, this isn't really sick or disgusting; but it does have something to do with lawyers. And, if any of you have your homeowner policy handy, you will be surprised at how on point it is! It's quite true in many respects: NEW SIMPLIFIED, PLAIN ENGLISH HOMEOWNERS POLICY-SPECIAL FORM The ______________Insurance Company has issued this policy to _______________________for a period of _____ year(s) ending promptly at midnight, standard time on ______________. Property Location: _______________________________________. Amount of Insurance you bought: $_________ Blanket, on your house, all the accumulated furniture and shit inside your house, your garage (the one where you park your car, not Al's Body Shop) and any other small building on the lot, and what it costs to live when your house is burned down or something like that happens, for so long as we say it's okay. We also will defend you in court if some sonuvabitch makes a claim against you, or pay his damages, and we'll pay the medical bills of some people who get hurt accidentally at your place, or some other places. (We could spell it out in detail, but you wouldn't understand one F***ing word of it anyway--shit--we had to hire ten lawyers just to figure THIS out after we wrote it). CONDITIONS: 1. If anything happens and it looks like it's going to cost you money, call us right away and we'll tell you if we're apt to pay for it. 2. Our agent has already told you that this is the new "ALL RISK" policy. He was correct as far as he went, but he doesn't even know what the F*** he's selling. So, if you have any questions, call or write to us, not some jackoff insurance salesman. 3. Don't lie to us about what happened or how much something cost or how godawful new it is or how it never leaked before. If you try to shit us, we'll not only cancel this F***er so fast it'll make your head swim; we'll pass the word around and you won't ever be able to get an insurance policy again, short of Hong Kong Mutual. There's so much F***ing regulation, and an Insurance Commissioner who thinks he's Jesus Christ, that we CAN'T LIE to YOU--It'd be our ass. So, don't give us any song and dance or we'll land on your ass hard. 4. Replacement Cost: F***ing forget it! You don't need it. We'll pay what is fair, with or without any goddam Replacement Cost Coverage. And, we don't give a shit what your goddam neighbor's policy has on it. 5. The Amount of Insurance You Bought, listed above, is the absolute most we will pay no matter what your house and other shit is worth or however many people sue your ass for any one accident. So, you'd better be goddam sure you've bought enough to cover the worst F***ing disaster you can imagine. Don't depend on your agent for this!!! If he had any imagination, he'd find an HONEST occupation. 6. Don't bother us with a lot of questions about what is and isn't covered by this insurance. We'll tell you when you need to know. If we told you now, you'd forget it in an hour--if you ever understood it in the first place. 7. YOUR DUTIES: (1) Pay the F***ing premium and (2) Call us right away when you think something's happened (don't try to analyze it, just call in); that's all you gotta do. Don't try to get cute--see item (3) above in case you forgot already (which doesn't surprise us). 8. If we think of any additional conditions, we'll let you know. By the way, if what happens involves a vehicle, airplane or boat or has something to do with your job--forget it! Don't call us; we couldn't care less! By: ______________________________ Dated ___________________ Two insurance salesmen were driving down a country road at high speed and passed a pickup truck with an old couple inside. "Look at those fools, pa! Must be a couple of insurance salesman and they will surely meet their maker soon, I tell you." Well, sure enough, a little while later the couple comes across a bad accident involving the two insurance salesmen. "Well maw, we got to do what any good folk would do and give'm a decent burial." So the couple dug a hole and buried the insurance salesman. Just as they were putting their tools away, a cop drives up. "You folks see this accident?" "No sir, but we knew them dang fools were going to have it when they passed us doing a hunert miles an hour. Well, we finally come across the accident and gave them insurance salesman a decent burial" "You were sure that they were dead??" "Well, they said they weren't, but you know how those insurance salesmen exaggerate!" Statements taken from Insurance Claims Forms... Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. I thought the window was down, but I found out it was up, when I put my head through it. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the enbankment. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck the front end. I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought." I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket." Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? Traveled by bus? I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard." On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke. I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control. I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk. Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan. First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car. Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo. The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and miraculously our client remained conscious and managed to cross the road." A customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were: Q - What warning was given by you? A - Horn Q - What warning was given by the other party? A - Moo I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind. On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way. Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by the arms, and the first slapped me several times across the face. I Knee'd the man in the groin, but didn't connect properly, so I kicked him in the shin." I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker. Mr. X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it? No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened. We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies' room. |
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