Hotel Jokes

Hotel Jokes



  They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years.
To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large 
city and they checked into a plush hotel.
  She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small 
room. No windows, no bed, no fan," she complained.
  "But, Madam!"
  "Don't `But, Madam' me," she continued. "You can't treat us 
like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, 
and we've never been to the big city and never spent the night 
at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager."
  "Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is
the elevator!"



   A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, 
at a hotel in Asia,  which was recorded and published in the Far
East Economic Review...

 Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
 Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
 RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny!  Djewish to odor sunteen??"
 Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
 RS: "Ow July den?"
 G: "What??"
 RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
 G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
 RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
 G: "Crisp will be fine"
 RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
 G: "What?"
 RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
 G: "I don't think so"
 RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
 G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 
    'judo one toes' means."
 RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish
      mopping we bother?"
 G: "English muffin!! I've got it!  You were saying 'Toast.'
     Fine.  Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
 RS: "We bother?"
 G:"No..just put the bother on the side."
 RS: "Wad?"
 G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
 RS: "Copy?"
 G: "Sorry?"
 RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
 G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
 RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease
     baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, 
     and copy....rye??"
 G: "Whatever you say"
 RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
 G: "You're welcome"



  Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing 
a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.
  After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that 
the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to 
climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
  Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this 
unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll 
tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 
25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
  At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to 
sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell 
sad stories. 
  "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room 
key in the car!"



  Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take 
a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts 
down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied,
so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his 
pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts 
the plant back in the pot and leaves.
  Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says: 
"Dear Mr. Burford... All is forgiven. Just tell us...where is it?"



  At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy
asking what time the bar opens.
  "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
  About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding 
even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.
  "Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.
  Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered, "Whatjoo
shay the bar opins at?"
  The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't
wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
  "No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"



Hotels are cutting down, too.
The Bible in some rooms only had seven Commandments.



  A couple was checking out of the hotel after their honeymoon.
When the bill was presented an argument occurred.
  "What is this item...$200. for meal?" inquired the groom. 
"We have never eaten in your dining room.  All I had was beer 
in the suite, with eggs that I brought with me."
  "Yes sir," replied the manager, "but the wedding package 
included meals and the food was there for you.  If you didn't 
take them, it's not our fault."
  "In that case," answered the groom, "we are even, completely 
even...because you owe me $200. for making love to my wife!"
  "But, I never touched your wife!" protested the manager.
  "Well, she was there for you," said the groom. "If you didn't 
use her, it's not my fault!!"



Rejected Motel 6 Advertising Slogans

Because you deserve better than the back seat of some car.

With Monica as the spokeswoman: "Because some stains you want to keep"

If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the Sheets

You rented the room, now buy the video.

Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money 
left over for a hooker.

We'll leave the Lysol for ya!

Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there
on *your* salary, pal!

As seen on "COPS"

Not just for nooners anymore.

We left off the 9, but you know it's there.

Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!

Clinton comes here... Why shouldn't you.

We put the "Ho" in "Hotel"



What do a cheap hotel and a tight pair of pants have in common?
No ballroom.



A couple just moved into hotel. And the hotel clerk asks the 
man after helping him with his luggage.
  Anything else? 
  NO, thanks, 
  Maybe, your wife needs something? 
  Oh, yeah. Thank you for your reminder. Do you sell postcards? 



  A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this 
particular trip he decided to bring his wife.
  When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, 
the man said, "You rest here while I register for the convention 
- I'll be back within an hour." 
  The wife lies down on the bed ... just then, an elevated train 
passes by very close to  the window and shakes the room so hard  
she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak 
occurrence, she lies down once more.  Again a train shakes the 
room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. 
  Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. 
The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is 
sceptical but the wife insists the story is true. 
  "Look, ... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to 
the floor!" 
  So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. 
  "What," he says, "are you doing here?" 
  The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for 
a train? 



  The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his 
room be changed.
  "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
  "I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.
  "Very good, sir.  I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind
telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
  "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
  


  A deaf couple checks into a motel very late at night. Upon 
moving into their assigned room, they go to bed. But in the 
middle of the night, the woman has a headache, so she goes 
into the bathroom for aspirin. But she finds none, and remembers
that the bottle of aspirin is still in the car.
  Afraid to go out alone at night, she awakens her husband and 
asks him to go get the aspirin from the car. The very groggy 
husband puts on his robe and toddles wearily outside. He finds 
the bottle of the aspirin in the car's glove compartment, and 
gets ready to go back to the room when he realises something: 
he can't remember which room was his! He thinks and thinks and 
then gets an idea. He opens the car again and honks the steering 
wheel horn several times.
  Within a minute, all the motel's windows lighten up -- except 
one window, and of course, he makes for the room with that window.



  Staying at an economy motel, Fred ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call.
The next morning, he awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring 
until 6:30. "Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is 
your wake-up call."
  Annoyed, Fred let the hotel worker have it. "You were supposed 
to call me at 6!" he complained. "What if I had a million-dollar
deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out
on it?"
  "Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a
million-dollar deal to close, you wouldn't be staying in this
motel!"

  

  Two drunks enter a hotel late at night. They approach the 
night-clerk, and one of them says, "Could you pleash give ush 
a bed with two rooms?"
  "You mean a room with two beds?" asks the clerk.
  "Whatever, whatever you shay."
  So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to 
their room. After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage 
to get their door open. As they stumble inside, the door closes 
behind them and they are in total darkness. They go forward 
slowly, and both fall on the bed closest to the door.
  "Ahh," says one, "Now we can get some sleep at last." As they 
try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they 
are not alone in their bed.
  "Hey! There's somebody in my bed!" says one of them.
  "There's somebody in my bed too!" says the other.
  "Let's get rid of them. We paid for this room and we're going 
to sleep in the beds!" says the first.
  They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until
eventually one of them throws the other on the floor.
  "ALL RIGHT!!" he shouts, "I've thrown mine off the bed."
  "You're lucky," says the other, "I got thrown off and I'm too 
tired to fight any more."
  "Well, never mind," says the first, "Why don't you just come 
and share my bed. Let's get some sleep round here."



Innkeeper: The room is $20. a night.  It's $7. if you make 
           your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.



  A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool 
when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out. When asked 
for the reason, the manager said, "Because you peed in the pool."
  "Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."
  "True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the 
diving board."





  If you're not used to the sound of running water while you
sleep, never book a hotel within 5 miles of Niagara Falls.
  The wifely person and I stayed at a hotel overlooking the
falls once.  I ended up getting up every half hour just to
jiggle the handle on the toilet.



  Willard pulled into the little town very late and every hotel 
room was taken.
  "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or even just 
a bed - I don't care where."
  "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the 
manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.  But to tell you 
the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have 
complained in the past.  I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
  "No problem," the tired travelers assured him.  "I'll take it."
  The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed.
  "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
  "Never better."
  The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy 
snoring, then?"
  "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard.
  "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
  "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,"
Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, 
said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."



  Ramada Inns have offered to buy the White House. 
  "They're getting $100,000 a night for the Lincoln Bedroom," 
noted Ramada President James Wattles. "We've even offered 
10% of the revenue to the DNC."
  The White House was not amused.
  "We think we'll get a better offer from the Japanese."






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