Valentine's day is not a quest to see if he can find the perfect
present, it is but a time of mourning.
Earlier today, my girlfriend was brushing on some stuff onto her
eyelashes that I never saw her wear before. I asked her if she ever
used it before, and she said that she used it only once a year.
I asked her why, and she said, "It's my St. Valentine's day mascara."
TOP SIGNS NO ONE WANTS TO BE YOUR VALENTINE
Phone sex operators keep hanging up on you
You get a heart-shaped box filled with angry hornets
The babes just don't seem to go for your home-made star trek uniform
You're taking private tutorials with Jocelyn Elders
You aren't a Gingrich, but your nickname's "newt"
Earlier today, my girlfriend was brushing on some stuff onto her
eyelashes that I never saw her wear before. I asked her if she ever
used it before, and she said that she used it only once a year.
I asked her why, and she said, "It's my St. Valentine's day mascara."
If Valentine's Day didn't work out the way you had planned,
you might need the following:
DEAR JOHN/JOANNE FORM LETTER
----------------------------
Dear __________________________ :
Well, it was good while it lasted, but now:
___ county health services now wants your phone number
___ time heals all wounds
___ you can have an intimate relationship with your
answering machine
___ is the time for all good men to come to the aid of the
party.
I finally got the:
___ message
___ picture
___ joke
___ right cologne
___ blood test results.
I don't:
___ like it
___ want it
___ need a Vanna White impression to have it spelled
out for me.
Too bad, because when you want, you can be:
___ beautiful
___ handsome
___ intelligent
___ very psychic/psychotic
___ a sex maniac
___ God's answer for having too much fun
___ Arnold Schwartzenneger's prototype for Terminator 3.
I would greatly appreciate you taking responsibility for:
___ your own "stuff"
___ feeding the starving sharks
___ paying for your own lobotomy,
and being:
___ confused
___ a Mooney/Jehovah Witness/Feminizt
___ a pre-operative transsexual.
I didn't:
___ have an impure thought
___ tell anyone about your operation
___ write to the National Enquirer,
___ bribe that short guard in cell block D,
but I wish I had.
Thank you for helping me to see the light about you.
I now no longer feel like:
___ seeing you
___ knowing that you ever existed
___ flushing the toilet.
Sincerely glad to not be yours,
(signature)
VALENTINE'S FUNNIES...
The folks at American Greetings have compiled a list of lines to use
when signing you valentine.... depending on your personality.
Bold -- face it, you want me.
Clever -- IOUXOXO
Cosmic -- Didn't we know each other in another time and place?
Dreamy -- I never believed in love at first sight until you.
Enchantress -- A valentine spell has been cast on you!
Femme Fatale -- You cannot escape. I have ways to make you mine.
Athletic -- How about a little one-on-one?
Musical -- Always a love song in my heart for you.
No-nonsense -- What are you waiting for?
Old fashioned -- My mother warned me about guys/girls like you.
Sarcastic -- Hey! I signed the card. What else do you want?
Scientific -- The chemistry between us is definitely affirmative.
Self-assured -- Be my valentine. "NO" is not an option.
Silly -- You're hotter than a jalapeno sandwich!
Wild Child -- You are twisted and slightly dangerous. I like that in a
person.
Worldly -- Je t'aime! (translation from French "I love you")
Worst Valentines Day Gifts To Give
a free membership to weight watchers
The "Monica" gift set; including a cigar, beret and stain remover
A ride-on vacuum cleaner - especially when she is expecting her
favorite perfume
A free consultation with Dr. Kevorkian
A Solar powered flashlight
A voucher for a free pap smear
A ten dollar gift certificate to McDonalds
Membership in Fruitcake of the month club
The same lousy present that they gave you last year that you never
opened and didn't know how to get rid of it
A guide to marital happiness from your spouse
Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer
It is definatley the most annoying day of the year
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week
Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit
So here's my story...what else can I say?
Love bites my ass...Fuck Valentines Day!
REDNECK ODE TO HIS VALENTINE
Kudzu is green,
my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry
Jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop
Right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
I'm plumb outta my wits.
And speakin' of wits,
You've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me
Back in '74.
Still them fellers at work
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles
And stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger
Named Naomi Judd.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
A-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant
Upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern
Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life
Like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old
Like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks
And let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
They explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds
it's a new ridin' mower.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love"
stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent
all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed,
Guess who?"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that
you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think
it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it
to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled,
"The Meaning of Dreams"
The Top Mafia Valentine's Day Greetings
My love for you...it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.
I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.
Lie down with me -- it's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.
I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that's all they offer here in witness protection.
Love, J. Doe
I've waited so long for you to be mine.
Now that Sinatra's dead, be *my* Valentine.
Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.
Cinderella got her fella,
with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine,
or I'll have to whack your ass.
Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead?
The day we met, my little pet,
I knew with just one look
You'd bear a son, and now that's done,
So shut your mouth and cook!
Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness.
Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers.
Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know,
dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.
Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand
So I won't be a self-made man.
When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye -- that's amore!
FREE VALENTINE ADVICE FOR THE LOVELORN
Hello, lovers young and old. Was last night good for you?
After all the anticipation, the tension, the commercialism and the
hype, was Valentine's Day worth it?
If you're feeling a little used today, you're not alone. Valentine's
Day is a "Hallmark" holiday, a sham.
Year after year, poor besotted (or simply obligated) lovers throw
themselves into this mass hysteria, buying up silly trinkets and
flocking to mediocre restaurants, and for what? To declare their love,
on the same day as everyone else, all because the calendar says so?
Let's get this straight: V-Day was created to sell cards, dinners
and flowers and to allow couples to feel superior to single people
(who have lots more fun the rest of the year).
I say anyone who buys into it is crazy (and, yes, I'm blissfully
married). Roses priced at $60 a dozen. Cheesy gifts (this very newspaper
carried some great suggestions from "Toronto's favorite adult video
stores," for instance). Restaurant "specials" consisting of mass-cooked
rubber chicken with some sort of gooey chocolate dessert at the end.
This is romantic?
Yet, judging by reports that most major restaurants in town were
already fully booked by last Thursday, a lot of folks out there haven't
got the message.
So I'm breaking out a brand-new weapon. For your consideration, please,
a new magazine: Mars and Venus. That's right, it's the brainchild of
self-help guru John Gray, the man who brought us Men are from Mars,
Women are from Venus and all its million-dollar sequels, and its "preview
issue" landed on newsstands just in time for V-Day.
Gray, as most Earthlings know, propagates the cutesy theory that men
and women can't communicate because we're from different planets - but
if we learn to accept each other's alien ways, love will triumph.
And in Gray's world of male-female stereotypes, Valentine's Day is
the most important day of the year.
He instructs us that women (or, in Gray's parlance, Venusians), are
all Valentine addicts who must be ministered to every Feb. 14. Men, he
says, ignore this at their peril.
"You owe it to your wife," he says. "It is the day that can make the
difference to the rest of the year.
NEGLECTED AND UNLOVED?
"Quite often during the span of a year, a woman will feel neglected
and unloved, but she is able to suspend her disappointment. If he shows
his love on Feb. 14, then she finds it easy to let go of all the
resentment."
Ladies, are you going to take this? Hang on, it's not just women who
are made to feel like saps. Here's Gray's advice for us, when our poor
man still doesn't live up to the hype: "Try to remember that he is from
Mars and is doing his best."
The mag goes on like that, with one article gushing: "How many women
expect love and kisses wrapped in hearts and flowers on Valentine's Day?
Every single one of us." (Hello?) "Men," it adds, "can be trained to get
in the proper spirit."
On shopping for the all-important Valentine gift, contributor Lynn
Shnurnberger writes, "The whole point of Valentine's Day is to prove
your love." (Gee, not much pressure there, eh? And you thought it was
just to prove you could find the last heart-shaped box of chocolates
in town.)
There's also step-by-step instructions on how to write a love letter
(warning to anyone who received a letter beginning: "Have I told you
lately that I love you? If not, allow me to make up for lost time... "
- your lover's a plagiarist).
And to top it off, there's a helpful calendar that schedules loving
gestures for rest of the month. Mark these down:
On Feb. 20: "Martians: As she walks by, whisper in her ear just how
much you love her." On Feb. 24, "Venusians: thank him for everything he
does."
On Feb. 27: "Martians: empty the dishwasher without being asked."
Had enough? You say you're not one of these lemmings in love, you
really do have your own romantic imagination?
Beautiful. Start a romantic revolution.
Lovers of the world, unite - or should I say, disperse. Refuse to be
dictated to by card companies and magazines.
This is the first day of your post-Valentine life. Resolve that next
year, you will in fact prove and celebrate your love. But you'll choose
your first-date anniversary, the day you learned you'd be parents, the
day you first met, the day you first kissed ... any day but Feb. 14.
Forget the rest of the world. It'll be your secret. Trust me, the
flowers will be fresher, the food will be tastier, and the mood will
be, well, yours alone to create. Isn't that romantic?
ARE YOU VALENTINE-WORTHY?
By Kerry Diotte
Ah Valentine's Day! It's the time of year when all women's thoughts
turn to love, romance and general mushiness.
And it's also the time of year when some men pay dearly for not
remembering what time of year it is.
Of course you might also be a guy who doesn't have a valentine to
love at all this year, which is really too bad.
Don't fret though. Maybe you don't have a woman to love, 'cause
you've approached the mating game all wrong. How do you know if
that's the case?
Simple. Take my quiz below. Presenting, Kerry's Krazy Valentine
Validation Quiz. Answer the questions, then check below to see if
you're the last of the red-hot lovers or an out-of-luck loser.
1. How often do you bathe?
a) Once a day
b) When I start to smell
c) What do you mean by bathing?
2. Have you ever made the following statement to a woman?
"Yep sweetie, I think cleanliness is next to godliness and I change
my underwear once every two months whether they need it or not."
a) Have never said it
b) Said it once
c) It's my favourite expression
3. How many professional monster truck drivers do you know, personally?
a) None
b) A few
c) All of them.
4. Complete the following sentence. I believe violence has to be
tolerated...
a) in a war movie
b) in a playoff hockey game
c) anytime I get #%&*@ ticked at &%#@*# people and wanna give 'em a
%#@%# attitude adjustment!
5. I think Meg Ryan is...
a) a quality actress
b) OK in those girl movies
c) not half as hot as Pamela Anderson
6. My ideal night out would be...
a) a romantic dinner
b) a hockey game
c) a Miss Best Chest contest at Hooters
7. I believe that Don Cherry is...
a) a bit of a loudmouth
b) OK in small doses
c) smarter than God
8. I think women like it when you...
a) praise their wit
b) tell them they're gorgeous
c) stare at their boobs
9. Pick one person as woman of the century
a) My current lover
b) Mother Theresa
c) Traci Lords
10. Profanity is...
a) unacceptable
b) unavoidable once in a while
c) none of anyone's %$#@* business
11. Cooking and cleaning is...
a) a job for the hired housekeeper
b) something men and women should share
c) sure as hell not a man's job, baby
12. Valentine's Day makes me think of...
a) the love of my life
b) the great taste of Belgian chocolates
c) that sexy tart who works in the candy store
Score 3 points for an A answer, 1 point for B, 0 for C.
(20 points or more: You're very Valentine-worthy!)
(10 - 19 points: You might fool some woman -- maybe)
(10 points or less: Does the term social misfit mean anything to you?)
VALENTINE LAMENT
By Jonathan P. Bernick
For men, St. Valentine's Day is the most stressful event of our lives
that does not involve the word "prostate." On this day we are required
to perform an act both aberrant and abnormal, a deed contrary to nature
and nurture; in other words, we are expected to be romantic.
Unfortunately for womankind, some men are simply incapable of living
up to this expectation. This is not due to malice or sloth; it is just
a biological fact, similar to the phenomenon that some men, while capable
of recalling Michael Jordan's freshman year post-season free-throw
average, cannot remember to put the toilet seat back down.
Accordingly, in the name of intergender amity, I have devised a simple
test to help women determine their men's romance quotients. If you are
a woman, and you're not sure whether your paramour's passion potential is
closer to Mel Gibson or Mel Brooks, give him this handy quiz to find out:
1. It is acceptable for a married man to look at another woman only if
he can do so:
a) Without lust in his heart.
b) Without coveting her.
c) Without getting caught.
2. You meet a beautiful woman at a party. After hours of delightful
conversation the two of you return to your apartment and spend the night
making passionate love. As the dawn breaks you both awaken, and stare
into each other's eyes. Caressing your brow, she whispers "I love
you." What do you say to her?
a) "And I you, my darling."
b) "Who is this angel I see before me?"
c) "What was your name again?"
3. The affair between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky lasted a year and
a half and now threatens to bring down a presidency. Would you say this
relationship was:
a) About love?
b) About sex?
c) About 16 months too long?
4. Who would be the ideal author for a book on marriage and commitment?
a) Larry King.
b) Wilt Chamberlain.
c) O. J. Simpson.
5. If your significant other was to get you something special for
Valentine's Day, it would be:
a) A bottle of fine cologne.
b) An item of naughty lingerie.
c) A restraining order.
6. Upon arriving home from work, you find on the refrigerator a note
from the love of your life. Reading it, you learn that she has left
you, cleaned out your joint bank account, and run off with a webzine
humor columnist. In light of this heartbreaking news, when will you
start dating again?
a) After the separation is finalized.
b) After my grief has abated.
c) After Matlock.
7. After a heady session of lovemaking, which of the following phrases
is your partner most likely to utter?
a) "Are you always this wonderful?"
b) "Are you going to call me?"
c) "Are you still here?"
8. It has often been said that "Everyone lies about sex." Would you
say that this statement was:
a) True.
b) False.
c) I'm sorry; I was busy getting a soothing foot massage from Gwynneth
Paltrow and I wasn't paying attention. What was the question?
9. Finish this sentence: The sexual act is of deep moral, social and
personal significance, and should only be performed
a) Within one's marriage.
b) Within one's societal norms.
c) Within one's species.
10. The greatest romantic writer of all time is
a) Emily Bront�.
b) Margaret Mitchell.
c) Larry Flynt.
SCORING:
If your man was willing to sit through this silly quiz because you asked
him to, he's a keeper. Be thankful that he cares about your wishes, and
have a Happy Valentine's Day!
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