Hallowe'en Jokes



 Halloween:
 A pagan holiday perpetuated by the American Dental Association.




 There are many stories about the origin of Halloween. In general, 
the stories reflect the view that late October marks the end of
summer and the beginning of cold, darkness, and decay. Thus, they
typically link Halloween with the death of the living...even human
death...and the visitation by the already dead of their old homes.
  Centuries later, as the belief in spirit possession waned, many
Halloween practices lightened to become ritualized games of 
amusement. Fast forward up to the 1840s, when Irish immigrants 
fleeing the potato famine brought the Halloween customs of costume
and mischief to America. Among the popular pranks, favored by many
New England Irish youths, was the overturning of outhouses and 
unhinging of front gates on "mischief" night (the night before 
Halloween).  Also, because the Irish immigrants who came to 
America found few turnips to hollow and light as part of the 
Halloween ritual, they substituted pumpkins to create the
jack-o'-lantern. Also, the Irish brought the "trick-or-treat" 
custom with them to America.  The background to this seems to be 
as follows. In ninth century Europe on the first day of November, 
also known as All Soul's or All Saint's Day (the Christian mass 
for such day was called Allhallowmas, and the night before was 
called All Hallowe'en), Christians walked from village to village 
begging for square biscuits with currants (known as soul cakes).  
The beggars promised to pray for the dead relatives of those who 
donated soul cakes, and the greater the kindness of the donors, 
the greater the number of prayers.
  Evidently, the quantity of prayers that a dead person amassed was 
important because a deceased person's stay in purgatory or limbo was 
greatly shortened by the accumulation of many prayers, including 
prayers by people who did not know the deceased.

Happy Halloween!!!!!




  Another guy goes to the same fancy dress party and all he is 
wearing is a condom on his nose.
  Asked what he has come as he replies "F**k Knows!"



 
  It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and
walked up to the bar.
  "What will you have?" the bartender asked.
  "I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.
  "I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.
  "I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.
  "OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll
be two bloods and a blood light?"

 


  Last Halloween, my wife was handling candy duty when a trio of 
children, costumed as a witch, a pumpkin, and a princess, arrived
at the door. She had spent some time arranging the lollipops, candy 
bars and other sweets in a metal bowl and was quite proud of the 
results. 
  The three children said "Trick of Treat!", and as she presented 
the bowl, they were clearly impressed. 
  "Whooooaaaaa!", they marvelled in unison. 
  My wife beamed, offering each child two pieces of candy. 
  As the children were walking away from the door, my wife overheard 
one of them saying, "See, they really go for that "Whoa" thing!" 




20 Ways to Confuse trick-or-treaters

1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, 
bags of sand, etc.) 
 
2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near
the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag and yell, 
"Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head and act confused. 

3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top 
Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around 
suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the 
briefcase, and quickly shut the door. 
 
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When the
trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do,
have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party. 

5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they 
can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it 
makes an unnatural "whirring" sound. 

6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill. 

7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse and 
don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away. 

8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out
into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!" 

9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act 
shocked and scared and start screaming your head off. Slam the 
door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away. 

10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before 
you give them any candy. 

11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order 
their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list. 

12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at 
anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house. 

13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing
through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can. 

14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-
treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping 
through a calendar. 

15. Instead of candy, give away coloured eggs. If anyone protests, 
explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from 
Easter. 

16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the 
trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay. 

17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten 
candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it
again in a few seconds and insist that you don't have any candy. 

18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin. 
 
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on 
your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before 
the pumpkin. 

20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment 
you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-
treaters. Slam the door when you're finished. 

 


  One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as 
"Rocky", in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave 
him some goodies, he returned for more. 
  "Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several
minutes ago?" I asked. 
  "Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back
three more times tonight, too." 




  Officers were dispatched to an Ohio college campus to break up 
a fight involving two group of students, about 35 students total 
were involved. A group of black students saw what they thought 
were members of a white supremacist organisation parading around 
the campus.  They took offence and proceeded to yell at them, a 
fight followed.
  It turned out that they were members of a campus fraternity 
that were going to a Halloween party dressed as the Pope and 
his entourage of Cardinals...
  That'll teach people not to wear "evil" costumes on Halloween.



  There were these two children of color trying to decide what to 
get dressed as to go trick-or-treating for Halloween. Finally the 
oldest one, Robert, turned to his sister Francine and said, "I 
know, we'll go as Hansel and Gretel."
  Well, they dressed up as Hansel and Gretel on Halloween night 
and off they went to ring doorbells all over the neighborhood. 
They came to a house on the end of their block and Robert rang 
the doorbell.
  "Trick or Treat," Robert and Francine yelled in unison.
  The old man at the door peered down at them and said. "And who 
are you?"
  "Why, we're Hansel and Gretel," Robert said.
  The man shook his head."You can't be Hansel and Gretel. Hansel 
and Gretel were white." And then he slammed the door on their 
faces.
  Well Robert and Francine went back to their house and Robert 
thought furiously. "I know," he said. "You can go as Little Bo 
Peep and I'll go as Little Boy Blue."
  So they changed quickly into their new costumes and headed back 
out the door. A few minutes later, they found themselves at the 
same house as earlier.
  "Trick or Treat," Robert and Francine yelled again as the door
opened.
  Once again the man stared down at them and said, "Who might 
you be."
  "Why we're Little Bo Peep and Little Boy Blue," Robert said.
  The man shook his head and said. "You can't be Little Bo Peep 
and Little Boy Blue. They were white." And he slammed the door 
on their faces.
  Robert and Francine walked back to the house, their candy bags 
empty. But Robert got an idea and quickly slipped out of his 
costume. Then he helped Francine out of hers.
  When the knock came at the door, the old man grabbed his basket
of candy and opened the door. Much to his surprise, there were 
two naked black children standing on his porch.
  "Well, what do we have here," he asked.
  "Two M&Ms," Robert said. "One with nuts and one without."




'Twas the Night Before Halloween

'Twas Halloween night as I leaped from my bed,
With thoughts of amusement going through my head.
Turned off my computer and thought as I may
Of vampires of old and vampires of today.
Of spooky old movies and Halloween parties,
Of course trick or treating
(hope they don't hand out Smarties).
And witches and ghosts and gravediggers, I fear,
So that old haunted house, I will never go near.
When you see spooky places, just take my advice,
And don't go in rooms filled with ghosts, bats, and mice.

So don't risk your life going looking for spooks,
Just go to a party with some good friendly kooks.
Or gather your family, carve a pumpkin and think
What to have your kids do, and go pick up a drink.
Tell a joke to your friends, but be careful, you'll see
That a couple wrong moves might mean eternity.

Now put on that costume and dress yourself up.
You can be Ninja Nun or that RCA Pup.
But be very careful or else you might see
That ghosts and vampires aren't really PC.

So now you can think, as you turn out that light
That there's no such thing and that you are all right.
Look under your bed, though, and then you might see...
Nothing!  We aren't afraid of ghosts now, are we?


 

  A Brazilian, attending a masquerade Halloween Ball, was dancing 
with a tourist girl who was wearing a map of Texas for a costume. 
Suddenly she slapped him hard and stalked off the dance floor.
  "What the heck happened?" asked a friend who had witnessed the 
entire event.
  "I'm not really sure," the man replied, rubbing his red cheek. 
"When she asked if I had ever been to Texas, I put my finger on 
Amarillo to show her, and she let me have it."




Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating 
 (it is better to just steal your kid's candy...)
  
10. You get winded from knocking on the door. 
 
 9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you. 
 
 8. You ask for high fiber candy only. 
 
 7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you
    lose your balance and fall over. 
 
 6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're
    not wearing a mask. 
 
 5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and
    can't remember the rest. 
 
 4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of
    restraining orders. 
 
 3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't
    dislodge your hairpiece. 
 
 2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood
    with a walker. 
 
 1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live. 
 
 


TOP REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

If you get a stomach ache from too much candy it won't last nine months.

Wearing the Batman costume isn't considered kinky.

You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 

If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 

The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.  

You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 

It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else,
 because you are. 

Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 

If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 

It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 

Less guilt the morning after. 

YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. 
  



  A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.
The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband 
to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband,
he protested,  but she argued and said she was going to take some 
aspirin and go to bed.  She told him there was no need for him to 
miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.
  The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without 
pain and as it was still early she decided to go to the party. 
Because her hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought 
she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted
when she was not around.
  She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around
on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice looking woman he 
could and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His 
wife sidled up to him, and being a rather seductive woman herself, 
he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new 
"action".
  She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her 
husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and 
she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little 
bang.  Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went 
home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what 
kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior.
  She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him 
what he had done.
  He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good 
time when you're not there."
  Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
  He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When 
I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we 
went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you...
the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one hell of a time!"




  There was a little boy with a speech impediment (peech instediment, 
for those of you who didn't get it earlier).  One Hallowe'en the boy 
decided to go Trick-or-Treating as a Pirate. His mother took him 
door-to-door but would make him walk up to each house alone. As a 
result the boy had the embarassement of asking for candy on his own.
  At the first house:
 WOMAN - "And what do you want little boy"
 BOY - "Bandy!"
 WOMAN - "You want what?"
 BOY - "Bandy!"
 WOMAN - "What?"
 BOY - "Bandy! Bandy! Bandy!"
 WOMAN - "Oooh, Candy! Okay, I got you now. Here you are."
  And with that she gave him a little handful of candy. This went on 
for most of the night, and by the end the boy was getting a little 
frustrated.
  He was at one of the last houses in his neighborhood when another 
lady opened the door.
  "Bick or Beat!" Yelled the boy. "Bick or Beat!!!"
  The lady wasn't quite sure what he said, and had him repeat it a 
number of times.
  "Ooooh. Trick or Treat!" she said. "Well, what is it that you want?"
  The little boy was frustrated, because he knew what was about to 
happen, but he really wanted that candy. 
  "Bandy." he said.
  Not to be dissapointed, the lady did not understand him. She had him
repeat it many many times before she actually understood it. The boy 
was getting ready to turn around and leave when the lady finally said
  "Oh! I understand! Candy! You want Candy!!!!"
  Relieved, the boy turned around and faced the lady. She leaned down 
and looked at him and said "Well, if you want some candy, first you 
have to tell me, where are your buccanears?"
  Well, the boy had had enough of people making fun of him tonight so 
he stood up all the way and yelled, "My buck'en ears are on my buck'en
head! Where are your buck'en eyes?"




Why do computer scientists confuse Christmas and Halloween?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25




  A man with a bald head and a wooden leg was invited to a fancy 
Hallowe'en party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his
head and his leg so he writes to a fancy costume company to explain
the problem.
  A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. 
"Dear Sir,
  Please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief 
will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just 
right as a pirate".
  The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized
his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. 
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says
"Dear Sir,
  sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long
robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will 
really look the part".
  Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing
his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company
a REALLY rude letter of complaint. 
  The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads,
"Dear Sir,
  Please find enclosed a jar of caramel.  Pour the jar of caramel 
over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a
candied apple!"




TOP HALLOWEEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT AREN'T

She's a goblin!

I'd like to get a little something in the sack.

Let me see your bag....OH!-You're having a great night!

Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.

She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch

If you just lick it, it'll last longer.

Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.

Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth,

You scared me stiff!

He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!




Why Pumpkins are better than Men
 
Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.
 
No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet 
 you with a smile.
 
One usually makes a better pie.
 
They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!
 
If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.
 
If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.
 
From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head 
 to begin with.
 
A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.





  A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what
costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late
for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, 
completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots. 
  "Where is your costume?" the husband asked. 
  "This is it," replied his wife. 
  "What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband. 
  "Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife. "Now hurry and
get your costume on." 
  The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also 
was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis. 
  "What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife. 
  "I am a fire alarm," he replied. 
  "A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing. 
  "Yes," he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice 
and I come."  





How To Survive A Halloween

When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see
if it's really dead. 

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. 

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out. 

Never accept invitations from strangers, especially individuals who 
inexplicably live in isolated areas and have no contact with society. 

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. 

If you're searching for the cause of a noise and find out that it's
not just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life. 

If appliances start operating by themselves, move out. 

Do not take anything from the dead. 

If you find a town which is deserted, it's probably for a reason. 
Take the hint and stay away. 

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you 
know what you're doing. 

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are 
listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylavania, Nilbog, the 
Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine. 

If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby 
deserted-looking house to phone for help. 

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, 
hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, 
butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made 
from deceased companions.

If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, 
was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous 
inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some
horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia
or satanic practices in your house move away immediately.

If your friends speak to you in Latin or any other language that
they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is
other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a
lot of grief in the long run.  NOTE: It will probably take
several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off or go it alone.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside,or anywhere near a grave,
tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down
at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion.  Also
note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster
is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch
up with you.

If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as
possible.

 



  One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable
little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.
She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful.
  The woman said, "What are you supposed to say sweetheart?"
  The little girl looks up at the woman and says, "Twick or Tweat!"
  The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband
to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey 
say it just one more time."
  Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"
  The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the 
cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines 
it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.
  The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and
says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"




  The door bell, rings, and a man answers it.  Here stands this 
plain but well dressed kid, saying "Trick or Treat!"
  The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for Halloween.
  The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent."  Then he takes 28% of the 
man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.




  One year at Halloween the governor of Illinois was giving a costume 
party. All the gentry were there and as they arrived the doorman would
announce what there characters were.  When one couple arrived he 
announced "Mickey and Minnie Mouse".  As the next couple arrived he 
announced "Tarzan and Jane" and so on as each guest arrived.
  Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of
underpants but apart from that totally naked from head to toe.
  "Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman.
  Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from
the local university CS department The doorman asked "How shall I
announce you?"
  The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation."
  "I'm very sorry sir" said the doorman in obvious shock I cannot
announce anything like that to such a gathering.
  "O.K." said the professor.  "Just say I came in my pants."




THE THIRTEEN DAYS OF HALLOWEEN

On the first day of Halloween my postman brought to me, A Gho-o-o-ul 
in a dead tree.

On the second day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Two walking
mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the third day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Three black 
cats, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the fourth day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Four spooky
ghosts, Three black cats, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a 
dead tree.

On the fifth day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Five witches
riding brooms, Four spooky ghosts, Three black cats, Two walking 
mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the sixth day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Six hooting 
owls, Five witches riding brooms, Four spooky ghosts, Three black cats,
Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the seventh day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Seven scary
pumpkins, Six hooting owls, Five witches riding brooms, Four spooky 
ghosts, Three black cats, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a 
dead tree. 

On the eighth day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Eight freaky
franks, Seven scary pumpkins, Six hooting owls, Five witches riding 
brooms, Four spooky ghosts, Three black cats Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the ninth day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Nine reapers 
reaping, Eight freaky franks, Seven scary pumpkins, Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms, Four spooky ghosts, Three black cats,
Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the tenth day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Ten skulls 
a-smoking, Nine reapers reaping, Eight freaky franks, Seven scary 
pumpkins, Six hooting owls, Five witches riding brooms, Four spooky 
ghosts, Three black cats, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in 
a dead tree.

On the eleventh day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Eleven 
coffins creaking, Ten skulls a-smoking, Nine reapers reaping, Eight 
freaky franks, Seven scary pumpkins, Six hooting owls, Five witches
riding brooms, Four spooky ghosts, Three black cats, Two walking 
mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the twelfth day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Twelve 
skeletons a-dancing, Eleven coffins creaking, Ten skulls a-smoking,
Nine reapers reaping, Eight freaky franks, Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls, Five witches riding brooms, Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the thirteenth day of Halloween, Before this could happen...I Moved!




  Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident 
of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson 
will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency,
and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect
allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to 
stop.
  "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
around here for miles.  At least I thought there wasn't" he stated in a
phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
  Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a
hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".
  "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with 
evident embarrassment.
  In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains
police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer
Brenda Taylor approached him.
  "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure" said officer Taylor.
"I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
  Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson.
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you
are screwing a pumpkin?'  He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and
then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin!? Damn...
is it midnight already?'"




HALLOWEEN POETRY

A really old vampire named "Tex",
Is "out for blood" and I suspects.
He's not a nice guy,
If he catches your eye,
It's you who will likely be necks.

Mrs. Drac shortly after her wedding,
Was forced to wash all of her bedding.
Seems she'd been a virgin,
And Drac was no surgeon,
So there'd been a bit of blood letting.

The mummy was looking quite dapper,
"Got rich from my music, Old Chapper.
'Cause the music that comes,
When my bandages hum,
Has made me the world's greatest wrapper!".

From the pyramid when one exhumes,
A mummy, he's mute we presumes.
But you'll know when one's coming,
By listening for humming,
He doesn't know words, just the tomb.

Lon Chaney once met Mister Hyde,
Who had the poor fellow tongue tide.
When Hyde asked "Is that hair,
That you wear, wash & wear,
Or do you wear wolf just inside?".

The Wolfman eventually replied,
I wash my hide, Hyde, just in Tide.
I'm a wash & wear wolf,
Though I say so my sulf,
My hide is a great source of pride.

And what of your trousers, perchance are.
They off somewhere hiding? Please answer.
For coming up soon,
We will see a full moon,
If you can't explain now where your pants are.

To frighten the chicks Tom devises,
Sheets of white, for turkeys, wise is.
His gobblin' will fool,
Those chicks so uncool,
This poultry guised pullets surprises.

The vamp gives the chickens a fright,
When they see him they always take flight.
But there's one that he catches,
Whose jewelry he snatches,
And he flies with his capon all night.

One of those dead old pha-raohs,
Once asked his dad why 'twas he was.
"Now I'm just a dummy,
So go ask your mummy,
But she will just tell you, "Be gauze".

The famous Egyptian King Tut,
Had a fabulous musical butt.
"But some people thinks,
My music, it sphynx,
I blow toots uncommon, so what?".

The virginal queen we should pity,
That's right, no not once, never did he.
Cop even a feel,
She, 'e gypped, a raw deal,
So what did he touch? Nefertiti.

When the full moon is giving its glow,
The hair on this fellow will grow!
But you never will creep,
Up on him in his sleep,
That's why he's aware-wolf, you know!

Dracula must suck blood to live,
Fortunately, virgins have much to give!
He cuts through the tripe,
Asks if they match his type,
And they respond with, "O Positive!"

Count Dracula, lanky and slight,
And eschewing a heartier bite.
Was growing bulimic,
On victims anemic,
He insisted on making it Blood Lite.




IT'S HALLOWEEN 

It's Halloween! It's Halloween!
The moon is full and bright
And we shall see what can't be seen
On any other night.

Skeletons and ghosts and ghouls,
Grinning goblins fighting duels,
Werewolves rising from their tombs,
Witches on their magic brooms.

In masks and gowns
we haunt the street
And knock on doors
for trick or treat.

Tonight we are
the king and queen,
For oh tonight
it's Halloween!

   -Jack Prelutsky




THE TOP 25 REASONS YOU WON'T WIN THE HALLOWEEN COSTUME CONTEST

25. After your roommate insisted on being the front legs, you
began to suspect that a burrito dinner wasn't such a good idea.

24. Your "Ally McBeal" barfed in the judge's trick or treat bag.

23. The Nike swoosh -- while obscene to some -- is just not all
that scary emblazoned on a white sheet.

22. "Hey!  Blue dress with a stain and a cigar!  Why didn't I
think of that??"

21. Somehow your Snoop Dog costume just didn't go over that big
at the Quayle house.

20. Your kindergarten students failed to see the humour in your
"Road Kill Barney" costume.

19. Unlike thousands of other Monica look-alikes, the semen on
your dress is not *really* the President's semen.

18. Although your "Internal Bus Architecture of the Intel Celeron
Chip" costume was a big hit with the other engineers at the office,
things are different out in the real world.

17. You can't get the zipper on your Bill Clinton costume to stay down.

16. In order to enter, you'd first have to log off the Internet -
- and pornography doesn't just read itself, now does it?

15. Looks like "Viagra Man" will be spending Halloween in jail for
indecent exposure.

14. Something in her eyes tells you there was an inherent flaw in your
plan of dressing up as the hostess's dead husband in order to get laid.

13. The Bride of Frankenstein had big, pointy hair and a small,
round ass, not the other way around.

12. 'Cause you should know that wearing a white sheet in Atlanta
could only lead to getting your ass whupped, Homeboy.

11. Your "Naked Linda Tripp" costume is actually more nauseating
than scary.

10. Your "Yanni" costume got you beat up on the way to the party
-- four times.

9. Your Dirk Diggler costume is merely embarrassing now that your
"Diggler" is stuck in the car door.

8. Your beret falls off every time you kneel.

7. Yellow Homer Simpson makeup?  Check.
   Can of Homer Simpson "Duff Beer"?  Check.
   Homer Simpson pants?  DOH!!!!

6. No one can tell whether you came as Abe Vigoda or Marge Schott.

5. This year's guest judge, Elizabeth Dole, has apparently never even
*heard* of Marilyn Manson.

4. Much to your surprise, three other people came dressed as Nikola
Tesla, father of alternating current.

3. The judges wrongly interpreted your "Liposuction By-product"
costume as a "Bowl of Tapioca Pudding" costume.

2. The only song you knew to go with the costume was "Mammy," and
the judges at the NAACP party were not impressed.

1. *Nobody* likes a farting clown.




Political correctness is taking its toll on Halloween.  Consider some
old Halloween activities, for example:

WITCH BURNING:  Just singe one around the edges today and the ERA
types will be on you like stink on shit.  What 30 centuries of 
white male authors used to call witches, are today respected as
complexion-impaired, wardrobe-challenged wom... uh, womyn.

WINDOW WAXING:  These days you'll only set off the light-, noise-,
motion-, and aroma-sensitive burglar alarm, and quickly exit in cuffs
and revolving lights, if you're lucky enough not to leave prime filet
of leg with the neighbourhood rottweiler.

TRICK-OR-TREATING:  This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation
of federal RICO [racketeering] statutes, except that most of the
perpetrators are juveniles, and thus have the civil right to thumb
their noses at the law and be back on the street before the candy runs
out.

And then there are the treats themselves:

Candy should be dispensed only with balancing doses of Ritalin,
soft-bristle toothbrushes and an effective (but fluoride-free)
dentifrice.

Apples should be organic, Alar-free, union-packed, washed in genuine
American Zephyrhills water, and X-rayed before being handed out.  Any
worms should be housed, fed, read their rights, then returned to their
native soil, or, if they so choose, given refugee status in yours.

Certain traditional Halloween games are not politically correct:

That icky old "autopsy" game in which you blindfold little kids and
tell them a plate of spaghetti is guts and a bowl of peeled grapes
is eyeballs will cost you your homeowners insurance because of the
choking hazard, and due to the risk of suits for emotional damage.

Pin the tail on the donkey, with a real pin?  Uh uh, cruelty to
animals or their depiction is a no-no.

Bobbing for apples is permitted, as long as there's an equal (and
not separate) opportunity to Jane for them, too.

Jill-o'-lanterns are encouraged, after 1999 they will be mandatory.

And, finally, costumes:

Ghosts are out of date.  Casper is clearly a dead, white male,
probably European, and full of hot air to boot.

Fairy princess costumes might offend both gays and feminists.

Frankenstein monster costumes will offend transplant recipients,
not to mention employment-producing neck-bolt manufacturers.

Dracula outfits will bring stern warning letters from the
Transylvanian consulate.

Those neat masks with jaws rotted away, eyes bulging on distended
optic stalks and massive, oozing wounds will get you in trouble
with lawyers who specialise in representing accident victims on
contingency bases. Which is to say, all of them.

Disney costumes.
Sleepy and Dopey will anger the vertically-impaired,
Cinderella the adoption agencies,
and Aladdin the Arab-American lobby.
Uncle Remus?  You might as well wear your robe and pointy hat.
A cowperson?  Perhaps, but don't pack a gun.  And don't even think
about punching a cow.

So there you are.  The scariest thing about Halloween these days is
that you're not allowed to offend or scare anyone.  And if someone
scares you, you can't scream.  In some communities, any auditory
emissions over 75 decibels is a zoning violation punishable by a
fine and/or jail term.  Whether you can react instead with a
sullen but non-denominational moment of silence will be considered
later this term by the Supreme Court.  Until then, do so at your own
risk.




  Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to
take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.  Right in
the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping
noise coming from the misty shadows.  Trembling with fear, they
found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of
the headstones.
  "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath,
"You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What
are you doing working here so late at night?"
  "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"




  A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old 
castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed
it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some
of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
  "Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the 
time I've been here"
  "How long is that?" asks the girl.
  "About three hundred years."




THE TOP 12 SCARIEST HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

12. Al Gore Disco Fever Costume

11. Positive Home Pregnancy Test

10. Jacko-Lantern

9. Marge Schott's Less Attractive, Slightly More Racist Sister

8. Evil British Nanny

7. Janet Reno Little French Maid Outfit

6. Male Pattern Baldness

5. Guy Who Ate Too Much Olestra

4. Flaming Tofu Burrito from Hell on a Stick

3. President Jesse Helms

2. Marv Albert, Warrior Princess

1. Mighty Menstruatin' Power Ranger



THE TOP 12 LEAST SCARY HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

12. Al Gore on 'ludes

11. Deepak Chopra's Cape of Understanding and World Harmony

10. Bob, the Bored Top Five Contributor

9. Pissed-Off Orville Redenbacher

8. Edward "Rounded-Tip" Scissorhands

7. Big Fuzzy Kitten - That Bites!

6. Librarian from Rushville, Indiana

5. Welfare Mom

4. Martha Stewart Doily O' Death

3. Dan Quayle "Pouty-Face" Mask

2. Onion Boy

1. Tony Award Winning Choreographer



 
  "Store owners say there are two Halloween costumes running neck and 
neck as most popular. If you want to scare your kids, get the scary 
face from 'Scream.'  If you want to scare the adults, dress up as 
Alan Greenspan."



 
Have you seen the Ken Starr costume?  It costs $40 million and looks
like a cheap suit. 




You know who has it easy on Halloween?  Calista Flockhart.  She takes
off her clothes, boom, she goes out as Mark McGwire's forearm."




It's difficult to come up with a creative costume each Halloween.  Last
year I was the invisible man and didn't go anywhere.  It'll be the same
thing this year, only now I'm Al Gore.  




Costume companies in Minnesota report that their No. 1 seller this
Halloween will be the Jesse Ventura costume.  It's $19.95 -- 
$29.95 if you want the optional "crutch for weak-minded people."




You all have your costumes picked out for Halloween?  I understand John
and Patsy Ramsey have their scary costumes already picked out.  They're
going as ... John and Patsy Ramsey.




Costume companies in Minnesota report that their No. 1 seller this
Halloween will be the Jesse Ventura costume.  It comes with a bald 
wig for your head, a mustache for under your nose and a foot for 
your mouth.  




This Halloween there comes a fright
  So scary it could kill:
A legion of hobgoblins
  Dressed as Monica and Bill




What's the best selling Halloween Costume this year?
An O.J. Simpson costume.

Why are stores refusing to carry it?
They are always returned because the gloves don't fit.



  Over the last week, one of my coworkers was selling chocolate bars
to raise money for after-school activities for her kids.  On Friday, 
someone else in the office gave halloween candy to everyone.
  I suggested to the original coworker that she should file an 
anti-trust complaint on the latter; the practice of "dumping" these 
products on the market below cost has eroded her market share and 
caused irreparable loss by reducing her profits at a high-demand 
time of year.




Halloween Tips

Last Minute Costume Ideas

R2D2
The small and thin know what's "in" for a last-minute SCI-FI classic
costume. Just get one of those trash cans with the rounded dome top
and the big flap on the front. Put it over your head and climb inside,
bring along your cell phone and start dialing to make those audible
"beeps" and "boops."
      Voila -- you're the beloved "Star Wars" droid R2D2!

ANTARTICA
Are you Portly? Pleasingly plump? Big-boned? Just plain overweight?
Halloween was meant for you! Simply throw that white sheet over
yourself, and you're the continent of Antartica

BAKED POTATO
New parents! Are you confused about how to dress your infant for
the Halloween party?  The answer is as close as your kitchen!
Simply wrap the offspring in aluminum foil and the kid's a baked 
potato!

UNIVERSAL BAR CODE
Get a child's growth chart with the lines and numbers on it, 
then affix it to your body from head to toe. Every shopper will
recognize you as a price in Universal Bar Code!
This costume will also protect your anonymity: No one can tell
what the real price is, just like at the grocery store!

PILLOWS
A simple pillow can provide any number of last-minute costumes.
Tuck it into the upper back of your shirt -- you're Quasimodo!
Or move it around to the front -- you're Arnold Schwarzenegger!
Now drop it lower -- you're Helen Hunt last season on
"Mad About You!"  [pregnant]
Don't discard that pillow case -- put it over the top part of
your body and you're a Chicklet!

UNPROGRAMMED VCR
Get a long and shallow cardboard box.
Cut a rectangle in the front.
Climb inside it, then put a sign that reads "12:00" in front of
the rectangle. Yes, you're an unprogrammed VCR -- the kind that
60 percent of the public owns!

COTTON CANDY
Energy-conscious but short on time for a clever costume?
Race up to your attic and roll up some of that pink fiberglass
insulation you put up there to conserve heat. Wrap the paper side
toward you and you're that favorite circus treat, cotton candy!

LOST TV REMOTE
  Art imitates life once again with this cumbersome but easily
  identifiable costume. Simply remove two large seat cushions from
  your sofa, and affix one in front of you and one behind you.
  You're an item familiar to all -- the lost TV remote control!

WASH-and-WEARWOLF
  Here's a new twist to an old Wolfman mask.
  Take an old laundry basket and cut out the bottom so you can stick
  your head through. Wrap sheets of fabric softener, bedsheets and
  odd socks around the rest of your body.
  You're a Wash-and-Wearwolf!

MOUNT RUSHMORE
  Get three friends.
  Take one white sheet, and cut four holes in it.
  Whiten your faces and hair with make-up, powder or flour. Then line
  up and stick your heads through the sheet, and enjoy your monumental
  costume -- as Mount Rushmore!

PORTABLE CLOTHES DRYER
Got an old diving or snorkeling mask?
Stick some old baby socks and a handkerchief in the lens and put it
on. Now move your head up and down, and you're a portable clothes
dryer!

RADON GAS
Go to a party dressed as you are.
When asked what you're supposed to be, say "Radon gas!"
Then when asked, "Where's your costume?" say, "Where else? In
my basement!"

SPICE GIRLS
Ladies! Want a quick costume that'll make you as trendy as the hip
kids on MTV? Raid your kitchen cabinets and take every bottle of
seasoning. Now tape the bottles all over your body.
     You're one of the SPICE GIRLS!

DENNIS RODMAN
Guys, here's a way to be environmentally conscious with your
Halloween costume! Recycle your old costumes to make new ones!
Find that old green hairspray from the once-trendy "Joker" costume
everyone had after the first "Batman" movie came out.
Then, dig up that Scarlett O'Hara gown your girlfriend wore.
Combine 'em, and you're NBA superstar Dennis Rodman! Tattoos and
body piercing are optional!

SIEGFRIED AND ROY
Does your child have one of those huge plush lions or tigers?
Stuff a glove with cotton or paper and glue it hanging out of
the animal's mouth. The result: An instant costume with true
Vegas glamour -- you're Siegfried and Roy!
We'll let you choose which Vegas animal trainer to be!

DAVID LETTERMAN'S TEETH
You and a friend each get a large appliance box and paint it white.
Put them on. Stand close together with a slight space between you.
Behold! You're David Letterman's front teeth!

CABLE TV INSTALLER
Call the host and say you're coming as a cable-TV installer.
Then, don't show up until a week after the party, at a time when
the host isn't home! Make sure you leave a pre-printed generic
"Sorry we missed you" note!

MARIS
Ladies, you can avoid parties you'd rather not attend.
Just call and tell them you're going to dress as Maris, the
well-known wife of Dr. Miles Crain on "Fraiser."
Then you don't have to go. As regular viewers know, Maris
is never seen on the show!

INVISIBLE MAN
The best last-minute idea for a party you'd rather not attend:
Tell the host you'll be coming as the Invisible Man.
Then don't show up!

HAVE YOU SEEN MY DOGGY
Wear XXLarge clothing and use padding to make yourself extra "hefty."
Glue or sew a small stuffed dog into the "butt crack" area.  Carry a 
"Lost Dog" sign.

A KISSING BOOTH
Construct a booth using two boxes, with the opening of the top box 
facing forward. Add straps so the boxes sit on your shoulders.
Spray paint the boxes white and add a sign that says "Kisses $1." 
(You might even make some money!)

LITTLE DEAD RIDING HOOD
Wear the usual Little Red Riding Hood Costume and then use fake scars,
wounds and blood to make it look like the Big Bad Wolf got you. Don't 
forget your basket!!

IRS AGENT
Wear a business suit, carry a briefcase, and take 28% of the
person's candy without saying "thank you."

LIGHTNING VICTIM
Take old clothes, cut out some holes, then carefully burn the edges 
(kids get help from your parents with this!!!).  Tease your hair
so it sticks straight up, smudge your face and any exposed skin with
black make-up.

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF SHOWERS
Wear blue surgical scrubs, glue cotton in a patchy pattern all over 
the shirt and carry a squirt gun.




CAT POOP COOKIES

Here, by popular request (believe it or not) is the recipe for the
infamous disgusting cookies that look like cats poops (rolled in
grape-nuts, which makes lovely fake kitty litter.)
  Last warning-many of you may not want to read this!
  Two flavors-chocolate (dark brown) gingerbread (light brown).
The author seldom measured carefully, so the amounts may need
adjustment, especially on flavoring. The cookies are dense and 
not very sweet, this is necessary so that they will keep their
shape during baking. If you use white flour or sugar, they may 
be tastier but they won't look like poopies.

Chocolate ingredients:

 1/2 cup honey
 2/3 cup (1 and 1/3 stick) butter, margarine, or lard
 1 egg
 1 tsp vanilla or peppermint extract
 2 cups whole wheat flour
 1/3 cup cocoa powder
 grape-nuts(tm) cereal

Gingerbread ingredients:

 1/4 cup honey
 1/4 cup molasses
 2/3 cup(1 and 1/3 stick) butter or margarine, or lard
 1 egg
 2 and 1/3 cups whole wheat flour
 spices-ginger, cinnamon, cloves to taste (maybe 1/2 tsp each)
 grape-nuts(tm) cereal

Mix-ins:

Coconut = tapeworms
Chocolate chips = poop chunks!
Butterscotch chips = diarrhea!
Peanut butter chips = diarrhea!
Cooked spaghetti or ramen noodles = roundworms
Corn = self explanatory!
Peanuts = chunks
M&Ms = decoration?

To Make:

Microwave the honey till it bubbles (about 1 minute).
Add the butter, (I've been told using lard makes for a more
realistic texture and softer cookie) and the molasses, if any.
Add the egg, mix well, then mix in all the other stuff.
Add mix-ins of your choice to some or all of the batter.

Chill 1 hour in the freezer or several hours in the fridge.
Roll dough logs of random length and the diameter of cat poops.
Roll logs in grape-nuts and bake at 350 degrees till done (about
20 minutes, but this varies so watch them.)

Serve in a disposable cat litter box on a bed of grapenuts, with a
cat litter scoop.  I hear you get lovely effects by decorating the
box and scoop with melted chocolate or pudding.
Brown sugar might work as a substitute for the new clumping litters...
Mixing brown sugar with the grapenuts "sweetens up the cookie a bit
while still looking truly hideous."

This recipe worked especially well at the Halloween party where
the table was already decorated with plastic flies.




What did the boy mummy say to the girl mummy?
Drop into my tomb and we can unwind together!


What social issue did the public-spirited mummy fight for?
A better "gauze!"


What two types of music do mummies like best?
Rag time and Wrap.


Why do mummies make excellent spies?
They're good at keeping things under wraps


Where do mummies go for a swim?
To the dead sea


Why were ancient Egyptian boys and girls such good children?  
Because they respected their mummies!  


Why don't mummies take guitar lessons? 
They become unstrung too easily. 


What's silent and smells like dust?  
Mummy farts.


What did the detective say when he solved the case of the missing mummy?
"Well, that one's about wrapped up!"


Who belongs to the monster PTA?
The mummies and deadies!


Why couldn't the mummy attend the meeting?
He was all tied up.


What's the best place for a mirror?
In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.


What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back".


Why do mummies go to school?
To get a deaducation


Who is the Mummy's favourite actor?
Robert Deadford!


What do you get if you cross a vampire bat and a mummy?
A flying band-aid, or a gift-wrapped bat.


What do you call a mummy who eats cookies in bed?
A crumby mummy!


How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape.


Why did the mummy call the doctor?
Because he was coffin.


Why can't mummies go on vacation?
Because they're afraid they'll relax and unwind!


The egotistical mummy was all wrapped up in himself.


What do you call a middle eastern exotic dancing mummy?
A gauza stripper


Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends? 
They're too wrapped up in themselves...  


The mummy asked his maker, "How do I exist?" 
What was the answer?
Just be gauze


Why couldn't the mummy answer the phone?
Because he was all wrapped up!


Why do mummies make good employees?
They get all wrapped up in their work


Why did the mummy keep his Band-Aids in the refrigerator?
He wanted to use them for cold cuts.


What is the hardest thing to sell to a mummy?
Life Insurance.




What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
His other fang.


What does a vampire fear most?
Tooth decay


Where did the vampire open his savings account?
At a blood bank


How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
By blood vessels.


What do you get if you cross a vampire with a cow?
Dracmoola!


What's a vampire's favorite sandwich? 
Boo-loney.  


Why is the vampire unpopular? 
Because he is a pain in the neck!  


What do you get when you cross a vampire with a pygmy?  
A little sucker about this big.  


What Egyptian Queen was a vampire? 
Cleo-bat-ra 


Why do vampires brush their fangs?  
Because they don't like bat breath!


When is a vampire not a vampire?  
When he is a bat!!  


How did young vampires get an increase in allowance? 
By putting the 'bite' on their parents 


  This vampire, you see, booked passage on a cruise ship and was seen 
entering one of the dining rooms shortly after the liner set sail.
  "Would you care for a menu?" asked the maitre de. 
  "No thanks," said the vampire, "Just bring me everyone on the
passenger list."


What would a vampire say if you offered to pull out his teeth?
"No fangs!"


What became of two vampires who couldn't get married?
They loved in vein.  (They loved in vain...)


Why was the student vampire tired in the morning?
Because he was up all night studying for his blood test!


Why do vampires drink blood?
Because coffee keeps them awake all day!


What type of coffee do vampires prefer?
Decoffinated!


What did the Mommy Vampire say to the Baby Vampire?
"You are driving me batty."


What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffin Drops!


What do you get when you cross a vampire with a dwarf?
A monster that sucks blood out of kneecaps!!!


Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?
They would only let him be BAT boy!


Why didn't Dracula get married?
He never met a nice Ghoul!


What is a vampire's favourite sport?
Casket Ball!


What do you get when you cross a vampire with a cow?
A hamburger that bites back!


What does a vampire say when he thinks he's in trouble?
"I have a bat feeling about this."


What is a vampire's favourite breed of dog?
Bloodhound!!!


Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested?
Into a blood cell!


What do vampires enjoy most about baseball?
The bats (and the double-headers)


What happened to the vampire who tried to gain weight by eating more?
It didn't work... it was all in vein.


How can you spot a vampire jockey?
They always win by a neck!


What is the favourite drink of overweight vampires?
"Blood Lite"


Why aren't vampires good gamblers?
They always make "sucker bets"!


What are a vampire's favourite snacks?
Adam's apples and nectarines.


What did the hobo vampire say to the rich man?
"Can I put the bite on you for a free meal?"


Why do vampires tend to make great artists?
They get lots of practice drawing blood.


How can you tell when you're in bed with Count Dracula?
He has a big D on his pajamas


Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin


What is Transylvania?
Dracula's terror-tory


Where does Dracula water ski?
On Lake Erie


If you love Dracula, what should you do?
Join his fang club! 


If you gave Dracula a bottle of mouthwash, what would he do with it?
He'd gargoyle.  (He'd gargle) 


What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
Count Duckula


What did Dracula say to Wolfman after introducing his new girlfriend?
"I've always been a sucker for a pretty face"!


What do you get if you cross Jesse James and Dracula?
A robbery at the blood bank.


Why did Dracula break up with his sweetie?
She wasn't his blood type.


What kind of car does Dracula drive? 
The bloodmobile.


What is Dracula's favourite holiday?
Fangsgiving!


What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I'd like to get to gnaw you.


How can Vampires help striking workers?
By eating the Scabs.


How do you kill a Vampire in a restaurant?
By Steaking him/her.


How do you kill an Aunt Vampire?
By using an Aunt stake.


Vampire pick-up line: "What's your type?"


Vampires are neckophiliacs.


What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.


Dracula got into his casket one July.  As he reclined he
remarked, "There is nothing like a cool bier on a hot day."


What did the vampire say to the English teacher
See you next period. 


Did you hear about the unsuccessful vampire hunter?
He tried to kill a vampire by driving a pork chop through its heart
because steaks were too expensive.


Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball? 
It was his bat. 


What does a vampire put on when he gets out of the bathtub? 
His bat robe


How do you say goodbye to a vampire?
So long, sucker


Which building does Dracula visit in New York? 
The Vampire State Building.


What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? 
It's a pain in the neck.


Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation...


What does a vampire never order at a restaurant? 
A stake sandwich.


How does a girl vampire flirt? 
She bats her eyes.


What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his home? 
A grave problem.


Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist? 
To improve his bite.


Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
In law school.


Why are vampires like false teeth? 
They all come out at night.


Why is Dracula a good date?
His idea of foreplay is a little 'necking'!


Why did the vampire not call the ghoul back for a second date?
She wasn't his type? Too vein


What's the name of the vampire duck?
"Drakeula."


What do you call a cross-dressing vampire?
"Dragula."


Why did the vampire join the police force?
So he could learn the correct way to get a stakeout.


Where do they cremate seductive women?
On vamp pyres.


Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank?
He was caught drinking on the job.


Why are Vampires Democrats?
They want Gore in 2000.


If Glen Miller was a vampire and he had a phone number what would itbe?
Transylvania 6,5000.


If Carly Simon was a vampire, what would her song be?
You're so vein.


If Tony Bennett was a vampire what would his song be?
I left her heart in San Francisco.


Why are teenage vampires a pain in the neck?
They refuse to clean their tombs.


Who's a vampire's favorite publisher?
William Randolph Hearse.


Why did a vampire go to Scotland?
He wanted to find the Long Neck Monster.


What is a vampire's all time favorite saying?
Take a bite out of life.


Why wasn't the vampire working?
He was on his coffin break.


What's a vampire's favorite candy?
A sucker!


How sick was the hospitalized vampire? 
He was in grave condition.


Why was the vampire disappointed when he came to the country road?
He was looking for a major artery.


What do vampires do at blood banks?
They make withdrawals.


Halloween Costume ideas: 
A pair of fuzzy dice with a map (Pair-'a-dice-lost) or an MD with 
fangs and a cape (Doc-ula)


What's the part of a restaurant where vampires don't suck blood?
The non-Suckers section.


What do you call Count Dracula's cookout? 
Vampire campfire.


What is the name of the condition when a vampire bites a victim before
the victim is ready?
Premature edraculation.


What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
You suck.


How do vampires invite each other out for lunch? 
Do you want to go for a bite?


Where do vampires find their victims?
In any neck of the woods


How do we know Dracula never got married?
Because he was a bat-chelor.


How can you tell a vampire likes baseball?
Every night he turns into a bat


What surgery does a vampire doctor perform?
Fly by night operations


Is it true that a vampire can't hurt you if you're carrying a torch?
Yes, but it depends on how fast you carry it!


How can you tell that a vampire is lazy?
He uses leeches.


How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.


Which songs does Dracula hate?
"You Are My Sunshine" and "Sunshine on My Shoulders."


Why doesn't anybody like Dracula?
He has a bat temper.  


What performers do vampires enjoy the most at the circus?
 The jugulars  


What is a vampire's favorite flavor of ice cream?
Veinilla 


What has one wheel and gets 10 miles to a gallon of plasma?
A vampire on a unicycle!


Where does Dracula water ski?
On Lake Erie


What did Dracula say about his girl friend?
It was love at first bite.


Who does Dracula get letters from? 
His fang club.


What kind of vehicle does Dracula drive?
A Steak truck or a Batmobile


Dracula's TV had a sex change operation. What brand is it now?
Trans- Sylvania 


What kind of rubbers did Dracula wear?
Ghoul loshes


How did Dracula introduce his wife before he married her?
This is my ghoul-fiend (By Gary Hallock) 


What do you get if you cross sleeping beauty & Dracula? 
Iron poor blood.


Did you know that Dracula has his own TV show?
Nip at Nite.


Who is the Dracula's super hero girl friend?
Bat Ghoul!


What is Transylvania's national sport?
Drac racing 


What does Dracula always say to his victims afterwards?
"Fangs"!




Why didn't the skeleton go trick or treating?
He had no body to go with.


Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body


What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
Bone appetite!


Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
It's good for the bones


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.


Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?  
His heart wasn't in it! 


How do you make a skeleton laugh?  
Tickle its funny bone!  


What's a skeleton's favorite road? 
A dead end.  


Where do skeletons like to swim?  
In the Dead Sea. 


Who was the skeleton in the closet?  
The winner of last year's hide and seek. 


What room do skeletons not like?  
Living rooms. 


Which American pioneer do skeletons love? 
Daniel Bone 


What do you get when you cross a skeleton with peanut butter?  
Extra crunchy peanutbutter!


Who digs the graves when the grave diggers go on strike?
The skeleton crew!


Why did the skeleton cross the road??
To get to the body shop!
 

Why don't skeletons like to eat spicy food?
They can't stomach it!


What did the skeleton say after he fell into the pond?
"I'm soaked to the bone" !


How much does a truck full of bones weigh?
A skel-e-ton!


What do you call a skeleton who refuses to help around the house?
Lazybones


Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no body to take!


Why don't skeletons ski?
They don't have the guts.


Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
It's good for the bones.


Who was the most famous skeleton detective? 
Sherlock Bones. 


Who was the most famous French skeleton? 
Napoleon bone-apart   


What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument? 
A trombone.. 


Why don't skeletons play music in church?
Because they have no organs! 


Why didn't the skeleton attend the banquet?
He didn't have the stomach for it 


Why aren't there any famous skeletons?
They're a bunch of no bodies. 


What do you call a skeleton who tells jokes?
A funny bone! 


What do you get if you leave a pile of bones in the sun?
A Skele-tan. 


What type of art do skeletons like?
Skullptures! 


When does a skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny bone 


Why aren't there any famous skeletons?
They're a bunch of no bodies. 


What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.. 


How do you tell the difference between a male skeleton  and a female
 skeleton? 
The female skeleton wears a diamond ring. 


What do you call a stupid skeleton?  
Bone head 


What do you give a skeleton for Valentine's Day?
Bone-bones in a heart shaped box 


How do you keep a skeleton from laughing?
Take away his funny bone! 


Why did the skeleton cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off 





Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
They're afraid of flying off the handle!


What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray


Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
Their bats flew away


What was the witches favorite subject in school?
Spelling


How does the witch know what time it is?
She looks at her witch-watch.


Why do witches fly on brooms? 
Because vaccum cleaners are too heavy. 


What does a witch ask for when she checks into a hotel?  
Broom service.  


What do you get if you cross a witch with an ice cube?
A cold Spell


What's the difference between a deer being chased and a dwarf witch?
One is a hunted stag and the other is a stunted hag.


What does a modern witch ride on?
A vroom-vroom stick.


How do you make a witch scratch? 
You take away her 'W'


What was the unknown witch's name? 
The unknown of course.


What is a witch's favorite song? 
Witchie woman.


What is the most important safety rule for witches?
Don't fly off the handle!


When a witch lands, where does she park?
In a broom closet.


Why don't witches ever have babies?
Warlocks have hollow weenies.


How does a witch travel when she doesn't have a broom?
She witch hikes!


What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch.


What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?
You hear the broom boom.


Do witches stay home on weekends?
No. They go away for a spell.


What goes "Oob, oob!"
A witch in reverse.


What happened to the witch who hooked her broom to a space shuttle?
She got spaced out. 


Why do witches think they're funny?
Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.


What do call two witches who live together?
"Broom Mates"!


How do you make a witch faint?
Use a dizzy spell!


What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.


What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
She flies off the handle.


How do witches tell the time?
Using a witch-watch


Why does a witch ride on a broom?
Vacuum cleaners have to be plugged into the wall.


What does a sorceress wear?
A bewitching outfit.


How do you make a witch stew?
Keep her waiting for hours.


What is a witch with poison ivy called?
An itchy witchy.


Why did the witch's mail rattle?
It was a chain letter.


Why did the witch stand up in front of the audience?
She had to give a screech.


How do you picture yourself flying on a broom?
By witchful thinking.


I tried to get into the witch's meeting but all the doors warlocked.


One witch told another witch, "I want one of those new
computers that has a spell checker."


Why couldn't the witch have babies? 
Because here husband has crystal balls


What do you call a panty raid on a coven?
An embarrassment of witches.


What's a broom? 
Witch craft.


Who is the witches favorite singer?
Robert Ghoulet


Who was the most famous witch detective? 
Warlock Holmes


Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime? 
"Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."


Why is the witch like a candle? 
They are both wicked.


What computer software would a witch need to use if she wants to 
place a hex on a taxicab?
A spell checker


Do witches work a seven day weeks
No. They take wickens off


What Canadian province do witches love? 
"New Broomstick"


Why did the impotent guy date the witch?
Because she always scared him stiff!


What do you call a ram who practices witchcraft?
A woollock.


See that old lady?
Witch one?


What do you call witches born just after WWII?
Baby Broomers


Why did the black cat have a hard time living with  the twin witches?
He could never tell which witch was which!



Who did the ghost invite to his Hallowe'en party?
Anyone he could dig up.


What do you call a ghosts' mistake?
A Boo Boo!


Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers


What do ghosts serve for dessert?
Ice Scream


What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo


What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car?
They boo-kle their sheetbelts


How did the ghost patch his sheet?
With a pumpkin patch.


What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
Tombstones


What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween?
White Pillowcases


What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
Don't spook until your spooken to.


Where do ghosts shop? 
In boo-tiques!  


Where do ghosts play tennis? 
On a tennis corpse!  


Who did the boy monster take to the Halloween dance?
His bootiful ghoul-friend.


How did the ghost teacher explain the lesson on going through a wall? 
She went through it again and again. 


Why didn't the teacher believe the ghost? 
Because she could see right through him!  


What do you call a ghost that picks on other ghosts?  
A boo-lly!  

 
What kind of ghost plays cards? 
A pokergeist


What is a ghost's favorite car?  
A Boo-ick.


Why did the Post Office charge the goblin for his parcel? 
It was ghost-marked C.O.D.  


What do you say before you start a meeting with ghosts? 
"Please be sheeted."  


What do you get when you cross a rooster with a ghost? 
A how do you doooooooooo!!! 


What do short-sighted ghosts wear?
Spooktacles.


What do ghosts wear on their feet?
Booooooooooooooooots.


What does a ghost eat for breakfast??
Scream of wheat!


What is a ghost's favorite pie?? 
Boo Berry


What does a ghost eat for lunch?
Boologna sandwiches, peanutbooter cookies and a salad 
with boocheese dressing.


What do ghosts eat for dinner? 
Spook-etti! 


What did one Ghost say to the kids at the birthday?
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams.


Why did the ghost go to the doctor?
To get his boo-ster shot?


What is a ghost's favourite species of bird?
The scare crow!


What do ghosts like to do for recreation in their spare time?
They go "booling"!


Why was the little ghost sent to his room before dinner was over?
Because he was goblin too fast!


What TV show do all ghosts love to watch?
Squeal of Fortune


What spook lives in the "hundred acre wood"?
Winnie the Boo


When does a ghost need a license?
During "haunting" season.


Why did the ghost become a sailor?
He wanted to haunt for buried treasure!


What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.


What do you get when you bite a ghost
A mouth full of sheet


What do you call a roomful of ghosts?
A bunch of boo-boos.


What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror.


What do you call a monster that has been locked in a freezer all night?
A cool ghoul!


What do spooks call their Navy?
The ghost guard.


What is a ghost's favourite subject in high school?
Boo-ology of course!


What should you say when you meet a ghost?
"How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?"


What type of music do ghosts prefer?
Spirituals, of course.


What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.


What do goblins and ghosts drink when they are thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul aid.


What do ghosts say when something is really neat?
Ghoul!


Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
He did not have a haunting license.


What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
He is mist.


Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
Because he is always a goblin.


Where do most ghosts live?
In North and South Scarolinas.


Where do ghosts like to go swimming?
Lake Eerie?


Why did the tiny ghost join the football squad?
He had heard that they needed a little team spirit!


Why do Casper's phone bills tend to be so high each month?
He is always calling ghost-to-ghost.


What does a cow say to scare away a ghost?
"Moo!!"


What is Shakespeare's ghost's favourite saying?
"To boo or not to boo...that is the question".


What kind of candy won't a ghost ever touch?
Lifesavers


What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people"?


What did the teacher ghost say to his boo-ology students after 
 they all earned A's?
Well done class! You did a spooktacular job!


Why don't ghosts like to go out in the rain?
Because it dampens their spirits!


What games do little ghosts like to play?
1. Corpse and robbers 
2. Peek-a-boo! 
3. Hide & ghost seek


Where do ghosts keep their cars?
In a mirage.


How do ghosts get through locked doors?
They use skeleton keys!


What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
A hobblin goblin!


What's invisible and very frightened?
A ghost with the sheet scared out of him.


What kind of horse does a ghost ride?
Night mare


What do you use to erase a ghost?
White-out!


In what room of the house would you never find a ghost?
The living room.


What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on.


What do ghouls order at McMonsters?
Handburgers.


Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!


Where do little ghosts learn to yell "BOO!"?
In noisery school.
 

What does a goblin shop for?
Grosseries.
 

What's a goblin's favorite flavor?
Lemon n' Slime.
 

How do ghosts fly from one place to another?
By scareplane.
 

What's a ghoul's favorite breakfast cereal?
Rice Creepies.
 

What directions did the ghost give the goblin?
"Make a fright turn at the corner."
 

How do ghosts begin letters?
Tomb it may concern...

 
What do ghosts watch if they want to relax?
Skellyvision!
 

What do you call a lady spook who works on an airplane?
An air-ghostess!
 

What's the difference between a ghost and a butcher?
One stays awake and the other weighs a steak!
 

What's the difference between a silly ghost
 and a plate of cheese on toast?
One is easy to cheat; the other is cheesy to eat!

 
Where do ghosts mail their letters?
At the ghost office.

 
How do Halloween spooks learn to be so scary?
They attend ghost graduate school.


At the Halloween ball the ghosts danced sheet-to-sheet.


At the Halloween ball, a number of the ghosts became drunk
and disorderly.  One of the ghouls observed, "Just like when
he was alive working as a bicycle mechanic, the bartender got
the spooks too tight."


Why can't the boy ghost have babies? 
Because he has a Hallo-weenie. 


Why did the ghost go into the bar? 
For the Boos. 


What kind of cereal do monsters eat?
Ghost-Toasties


What kind of makeup do ghosts wear? 
Mas-scare-a.


Who was the most famous ghost detective? 
Sherlock Moans.


Why do girl ghosts go on diets? 
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.


Where does a ghost go on vacation? 
Mali-boo.


What tops off a ghost's ice cream sundae? 
Whipped scream.


What do you call it when a ghoul goes sleepwalking?
Zombnambulation


What do you get if you cross a fake chocolate moose
 with the ghost of an Elk?
Carob-BOO!


You are taking photographs in a haunted house and you spot a ghost.
He agrees to have his picture taken but your camera fails to flash.
What's the problem?
The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.


What school do ghosts attend after they graduate from high school?
BOO-niversity


What do you call the ghosts of dead turkeys?
Gobblins


Why did the ghost take his family on a elevator ride every day?
To raise their spirits.


What do you call a merry-go-round for ghosts?
A Scare-ousel


What's a ghosts favorite ride at the carnival?
The roller ghoster


Where do ghosts buy their food? 
At the ghost-ery store.


Why did the ghost get a gun?
He wanted to be a deer haunter!


What goes "Oob, oob!"
A ghost in reverse.


What did one exasperated spook say to the other when he found he had
 suddenly become visible?
It just ghost to show you!


What do you call a mischevous ghost who terrorizes the chicken house?
A poulterygeist. 


What kind of music do most ghosts prefer?
Haunting melodies.


Why couldn't the Ghoul understand the message the corpse was trying
 to tell him?
It was encrypted.


Who delivers spooks' mail?
The U.S. Ghostal Service 


Will a wraith ever be elected President?
He doesn't stand a ghost of a chance.


What's a Hungarian ghost's favorite dish?
Ghoulash


How did the ghost who didn't have a driver's license hurt his toes?
He got them caught in the spooks of his bicycle.


What is a ghost's favorite ice cream?
Boostachio


What is a Honolulu ghost's favorite drink?
A Boo Hawai'ian


Many holidays always fall on a Monday. What day of the week does
 Halloween always fall on?
Frightday.


Who knocks on your door selling Halloween cookies? 
Ghoul Scouts


What was the breakfast favorite at the haunted house? 
Ghost Tosties


Where does a ghost go on Saturday night?
Anywhere where he can boo-gie!


Where does a girl ghost go to get her hair done?
To the BOOty Parlor!


What did the ghost buy for his Haunted House?
Home Moaner's Insurance.


What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire?   
A toasty ghosty.


What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?
The actors get stage fright.


What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?
A boo-tie.


What kind of music do ghosts listen to?
Sheet music.


What are a spook's two favorite rides at the fair?
The roller ghoster and the merry ghoul round.


Why didn't the ghoul win at poker?
He didn't have a ghost of a chance


What kind of ghosts haunt skyscrapers?
High spirits!


What do they call the heaviest female phantom?
The "ghostess with the mostess".


What do ghosts say when they hear great jokes like these?
Booooo!!!


What time is it when ghosts haunt your house?
Time to get a new house!!!


What kind of gum do ghosts like?
Booble gum!!!


What famous giant ghost monster battled King Kong?
Boodzilla!


What do ghosts always order at McDonalds?
The hamboogers! 


Why did the ghost cross the road? 
To get to "THE OTHER SIDE"  




First monster:  "Have an accident?"
Second monster: "No thanks, I've just had one."


Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.


What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
Benjamin Frankenstein


What's a monster's favorite play?
Romeo and Ghouliet


Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
Because he was in need of a light snack


Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?
Have you ever tried to iron a monster?


What kind of cereal do monsters eat?
Ghost-Toasties


Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?
Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&Ms.


Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
Because everyone was a goblin!


What does Frankenstein have for lunch?  
About 2,000 volts.  


Where can a monster always find a friend? 
In the dictionary.  


What's the monster's favorite cafeteria food?  
Grave-y. 


What was the Dr. Frankenstein's most spectaular achievement when he made
 the Frankenstein monster? 
He looked so scary he didn't have to dress up for Hallowe'en. 


What do you call a monster that is nine feet tall, has six arms and
 poisonous fingernails?
Sir


Did you hear about the monster with pedestrian eyes?
They look both ways before they cross.


What's a monster's favorite game?
Swallow the leader. 


What happened when the monster ate the electric company? 
He was in shock for a week.


Why did the monster eat the tight-rope walker?
He wanted to eat a well balanced diet!


What did the monster eat after the dentist pulled his tooth?
The dentist!


What do you call a three-headed deaf monster?
Anything you like, as he can't hear you.


What time is it when a monster smashes down your front door?
Time to get a new door


What happened to the monster children who ate all their vegetables?
They gruesome.


What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?
He had to give it back.

 
What kind of math did the monster student do best?
Scare root.


What's a monster's favourite song?
"Ghouls Just Want To Have Fun."


What do you get if you cross a monster with an owl?
An animal that frightens people but doesn't give a hoot!


How big was Dr. Frankenstein's castle?
"Monstrous"!


Where can you see a real ugly monster?
In the mirror.


What four things do monsters enjoy eating on Halloween?
Ghoulash and I Scream with booberry pie and ghoul-aid.


How can you tell that Doctor Victor Frankenstein had a
 good sense of humour?
Because he kept his monster in stitches.


What did the mad scientist eat on Halloween?
Frankenfurters with Ketchup


Where do monsters go for sunset sails?
Lake Eee-rie


How does a monster count to 21?
On his fingers.


What do you say to a 2-headed monster?
Hello, hello.


What do you call a monster that has been locked in a 
 freezer all night?
A cool ghoul!


What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to 
 Grandpa monster?
Grandma monster


Where do monsters store things?
In Were-houses.


What kind of monster do you have to look out for at the Laundromat?
A washin' werewolf.


What would a monster's psychiatrist be called? 
Shrinkenstein.


What do you call a little monsters parents? 
Mummy and deady


How do you keep a monster from biting his nails? 
Give him screws.


What did Dr. Frankenstein say when his monster spit on the ground?
It's saliva!! It's saliva!! 


How did Frankenstein's monster win the election?
He got all the volts.


How does a monster score a football touchdown?
He runs over the ghoul line


What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
Fish and ships.


What do you call a monster with no neck?
The Lost Neck Monster.


What's a monster's favorite bean? (The Joker Autobot)
A human bean. 


How did the monster predict his future?
With a horror-scope.


What did the monster do when he lost his hand?
He went to a second hand store.


What is in the red blood cells of monsters?
 Hemogoblin!


Who was the smartest monster maker?
Dr. Frank Einstein


What kind of Halloween monster can clear a table full of
 food in only 10 seconds?
A Goblin!!!


Why did Frankenstein's monster go to a psychiatrist?
Because he thought one of his screws was loose




What would you get if you crossed a cow with a werewolf?
A hamburger that bites back!


What do you get when you cross a werewolf with a dozen eggs?  
A hairy omelet! 


What would you get if you crossed a snowball with a werewolf?  
Frost bite! 


Are werewolves good with cameras? 
Sure, they're always snapping at something. 


What do you get if a werewolf tries to use you for a punching bag? 
'Claws'-trophobia. 


What is a werewolf's favourite holiday?
"Howloween" !


What would you get if you crossed a wolf with a polyester jacket?
A wash-and-wearwolf


What do you get when you cross a watchdog and a werewolf?
A very nervous postman.


What do you call your girl-friend if she becomes a deer whenever
 there is a full moon?
A Were-doe


What was the werewolf's first name?
Harry


What kind of crackers do werewolves eat?
Pentagram crackers


Why would the werewolf change if you pull down his pants?
Because there was a full moon 


Who are some of the werewolves cousins?
The whatwolves and the whenwolves.


Where do most werewolves live?
In Howllywood, California.


What kind of hot dogs do werewolves like best?
Hallowieners.


What is the breed of canine that easily forgets his place on
 the trail?
Wherewolf




What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A Cereal Killer


What did the wicked chicken lay? 
Deviled eggs.


How do you help chickens that are possessed by evil spirits?
Get an "eggsorcist"!


What do the birds sing on Halloween?
Twick or Tweet


Why are there fences around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.


What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
An amoeboo!


What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
He was repossessed.


What Hallowe'en candy do kids like to eat on the playground? 
Recess Pieces! 


Why do bats fly at night?
Because they are afraid to drive.  


Why do spiders spin webs?
Because they don't know how to knit!


Three guys were playing cards in a graveyard. What did they say?  
"We had better dig up another player."  


What do you get if you cross a bat with a banana?  
A banana that hangs upside down! 


What did one tombstone say to the other tombstone?  
"Don't take me for granite!"


What do clocks say on Hallowe'en? 
'Tick or treat!' 


How can you tell if a school is haunted? 
If it has a school spirit.


What is a good example of wasted energy?
Telling a hair-raising story to a bald-headed man.


What do you call two spiders who just got married?
Newlywebs.


What do you get when you take out the insides of a hotdog? 
A Holloweenie!!!


What did the alien say to the trick or treater?
Take me to your candy!!


When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse..


Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!


What flies through the night, has a black cape, and bites people?
A mosquito wearing a black cape.


What haunts your house and honks?
Poultergeese!


What's the difference between a coffin and a letterbox?
You don't know? - well, I won't send you to post a letter.


What do baseball players do on Halloween?
They practice pitchcraft.


What do you use to repair a Jack O' Lantern?
A pumpkin patch.


What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
Squash


What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
Five after one.


What do goblins mail home while on vacation?
Ghost-Cards!


Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.

 
What's soft, mouldy and flies?
A spoiled bat.


Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest?
He was dead on his feet.


What if you crossed a rabbit with a wolf?
You'd get a harewolf.


What is a zombie's favourite dessert?
Ladyfingers.


What do you get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and
divide it by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi


What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
"You're under a vest!"


How do you make a milkshake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"




What's a haunted chicken?
A poultry-geist.


How can you tell if the Boogy Man is in your house?
All your tissues are gone!
 

What's a goblin's favorite flavor?
Lemon n' Slime.
 

How do canine scavengers in Africa find their way in the dark?
They use jackal lanterns.


What did the exorcist do to keep in shape?
He rode an exorcycle.


  Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when one
of the boys accidentally swallowed a coin and started choking.
  Hans ran inside to get help, yelling, "Mom! Dad! Come quick!
There's a franc in Stein!"


Mr. Hyde celebrated every Halloween with a jekyll lantern.


  Don't bother inviting the Invisible Man to your Halloween party. 
He won't show up.  Sometimes he makes excuses, but they're all 
transparent.


You don't have to worry about Daylight Savings Time at Halloween.
The holiday is always on Green Witch Mean Time.


  An apparition attired in green and red was questioned about
its unusual attire.
  "I'm a Christmas wraith," was the reply.


What do you get if you cross a mad scientist with another mad scientist?
A horrible par a dox.


How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.


How do you make a milkshake? 
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"


What Is the obvious phrase for donating your body to a medical school?
A Dead Give-away


Where did the goblin throw the football? 
Over the ghoul line.


Why would you expect a snappy comeback from a mad scientist?
They are known for their quick retorts.


What kind of car do the German scientist drive who clone sheep?
Vee Double Ewe


If the devil lost his tail, where could he find a new one?
At a store where they retail spirits


Why did the headless horseman go into business? 
He wanted to get ahead in life.


Where do corpses eat lunch?
At the cadaver-teria


After the flash on his camera malfunctioned, what did Satan get back
 from the drugstore?
Prints of darkness


What kind of streets do zombies like the best? 
Dead ends.


What gormet meal was made from Bela Lugosi's cremated remains?
Hungarian Ghoul Ash?


What kind of dog does a mad scientist have?
A lab.


After watching an undertaker, how might you describe someone's death?
As a fit of coffin.


Whom did the zombie invite to his party? 
Anyone he could dig up. 


What kind of vehicle does Satan drive?
A Cadillac Devil


What can't you give the headless horseman? 
A headache.

 
When you die and come back as a hillbilly, what's it called?
Re-Intarnation


What do rednecks do on Halloween? 
PUMP-kin


What kind animal do you not want to play cards with
Cheetahs & sharks


What does Mister Hyde call his flashlight?
A Jeckyl lantern


Where do you go for a hot dog & beer on Halloween?
Frank & Stein - Hoppy hollow weenie


What kind of car does an un-dead person drive?
A Zom- B M W


What kind of cars do an undertaker and his wife drive?
His'n hearse


Why did Frankenstein look especially ugly when he was being recharged?
He was revolting


What do you call it in a cartoon when you bring a dead roll of toilet
 paper back to life?
Re-animated tissue 


Why was there an electric spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
He couldn't resistor


Which angel brought Frankenstein back to life
The arc angel


Who haunts daytime talk show hosts?
Phantom of the Oprah?


Who is an Italian grave diggers favorite singer?
Barry Manilow


Why did the undercover drug cop's arms fall off when he kept 
falling asleep on the job?
He had narco-leprosy


Who was the famous female corpse who rode naked on a horse?
Lady Cadaver


What can you say about the likeableness of a ghoul?
Zombie nice, Zombie not so nice


What do you get if you cross a jackall with a sheep and a seagull?
A Jackall-lamb-tern 


What do you call someone who shares a coffin with another corpse?
A cream - mate


How do you make a zombies eyes light up?
Stick a flashlight in his ear


What do you call a zombie with half a brain?
Gifted. 


How many zombies does it take to change a lightbulb?
It doesn't matter. They're never going to see the light?


How do you give a zombie a brain transplant?
Blow in his ear


What does a zombie call his parents?
Zommie & Dead-dy


Why was the Zombie surprised when his ghoulfiend showed up for their
 date at 11pm?
He didn't ex-SPECTRE until midnight


Why can't you see the invisible man's mother and father?
They're trans-parents


When he was a teenager, why didn't the invisible man hang out 
 with his friends?
Too much disappear pressure


How do the corpses people in graveyards send messages to each other?
Crypt-o-grams


What do little devils brush their teeth with?
Imp-U-Dent


Who did the mortician invite to his party?
Anyone he could dig up!


Contrary to popular opinion, demon owners are a very neighbourly bunch. 
With fiends like these, who needs animus?


What's black, white, orange, and waddles? 
A penguin with a jack-o-lantern.  


What do cows do on halloween night?
Trick or teat!


People who play the stock market get happy on hall'o'ween. Why?
Its ticker treat night!


What Halloween staple is suggested by an animal similar to a hyena
 proceeding through the jungle with a torch in hand?
Jackal lantern


What did Sylvester Pussycat, dressed up as Elmer Fudd,
  say when Tweety Bird answered the door?
Twick or Tweety.


What Hallowe'en movie starred Paul Newman?
"Ghoul Hand Luke"


What movie was about a Jamaican Hallowe'en?
"Ghoul Runnings"


Did you know that Satan has his own TV show?
Nick at Nite


What is the capital of a hypnotic state?
Trance-ylvania


"What's the organ most often removed along with a zombie's appendix?
 The ghoulbladder."


Who has a broom and flies?
A jelly-covered janitor.


Why are black cats such good singers?
They're very meeewsical!


Why are black cats such good singers?
They're very mewsical.


Why did the wizard mix things in his cauldron?
His microwave was being repaired!


What did one casket say to the other casket?
Is that you, coffin?


What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon?
A sour-puss.


Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg 
 in a car crash?
He's all right now.


Where does a one-armed man shop?
At a second hand store


Have you seen Quasimodo?
I have a hunch he's back!


What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?
Decomposing.


Why were there screams coming from the kitchen?
The cook was beating the eggs.


What's a cold, evil candle called?
The wicked wick of the North.


How can you tell when windows are scared?
They get shudders.


What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish's brain
 in the body of his dog?
I don't know, but it is great at chasing submarines.


What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.


What do little trees say on Halloween?
Twig or treat.


Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up too early in the mourning.   



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