Earth Day Jokes
Earth Day Jokes


Environmentally Concerned

Dear Editor,

  In a late celebration of Earth Day, I decided to stop doing
everything enviromentally damaging. I arose early, turned on 
the light, then realized I couldn't use electricity anymore; 
hydro-electric dams destroy scenic waterways, nuclear generates 
waste and uses up nonrenewable resources.

  I was hungry and was going to fix bacon and eggs and it hit 
me; how could I could I be so cruel? Think of poor chickens 
and pigs pumped full of drugs, stuffed into trucks and shipped 
to slaughter! I got my corn flakes out and realized I couldn't 
eat them either as farmers use pesticides and fertilizers that 
pollute the land and water, causing erosion and destroying 
wildlife habitat at every turn. I grew sicker.

  I went upstairs to dress -- my wool shirt? No, think of the 
poor sheep sheared, shivering, waiting to die in the cold spring 
rains. And what about the poor mothers, stripped of their babies 
so that I could eat lamb chops? The wool suit was out, but what 
about my polyester, Dacron or Rayon clothes? No way! Made from 
petroleum. No off-shore drilling for me! But I was cold so I 
reached for my fur-lined coat, then dropped it like it was hot.  
Think of all those critters, chewing off their legs, and ranch 
raised critters killed with electric prods up their anus. 
My down coat? No! Plunked from the backs of dead ducks and geese.
My leather coat? Just the fur coat with no fur on it. So, I would
have to stay naked!

  Couldn't drive my car anymore; all those oil covered otters in 
Alaska Convinced me of that.

  I went back to the kitchen, remembering I had some organically 
grown wheat. As I began to eat, I thought, what happens to this 
wheat now? I stopped chewing. It would pass through my body and 
become sewage, polluting the land and water! I threw my wedding 
ring away, thinking of those mountains being dug away for gold. 
My depression grew! Everything I did caused death, pollution or 
consumption. I thought deeply.

  Suddenly, a solution occured! An act so enviromentally sound, 
so non-consumptive, so giving, came into my mind.

  I would walk, naked, into the desert and die. My flesh would 
feed the hawk, the magpie, the bobcat, the maggot. What the 
critters didn't get would soon melt back into the earth and feed 
the plants.

  Enviromental renewal! The greatness of the act overwhelmed me. 
Yes, I swear upon the altar of my god of my fathers, Charles Darwin,
that I will carry out this deed of superior character.

  Note: While trapping coyotes in the desert, I came accross a pile 
of bleached bones with this letter in a water protected packet.  
I felt this act should be shown to the public. Also, it turned out 
to be a great location for catching coyotes, and I was hoping that 
this 'person' might inspire others of the 'enviromentally conscious' 
to do the same."

Jim Richardson of Oroville, CA


What I Did for Earth Day.

     First of all, my alarm clock woke me up as it rang about 100
decibels (not to mention causing enough noise pollution to wake up 
half the neighborhood as well). I got out of bed and turned on the 
lights, each of which contain 100-watt bulbs. There was a lot of 
work to be done around the house today. First, I took out all of 
the trash that had accumulated over the last week. I just mixed 
it all together so it would be easier to take out. But when I got 
outside, I had just missed the trash truck. But not to worry--I 
just took it over to the lake out back and threw it in there.  
And then I took a piss in the lake. Getting back to the house, 
I started on my next task: changing the oil in my car. And can 
you guess where that went? Into the lake with the trash. Now 
don't get upset--the water fowl seemed to like it so much that 
they could hardly pull themselves away from it.  And the fish 
seemed to be turning head over heels in the newly blackened water.
  After I changed the oil in my car, I removed the catalytic
converter and filled the tank with leaded gas. I put on new tires, 
and guess where I threw the old ones? Right! They went into the 
lake too.  Now that my car was fixed, I hopped in and gunned that
V-8 for a good ten minutes--it was really cool to hear that loud 
roar and to see all of that black smoke coming out of the back. I 
finally hit the road, and I figured that this would be a good time 
to clean out all of the trash and rotting food in my car, so I 
just kept throwing the stuff out the window.  Unfortunately, I 
wasn't paying attention to my driving, and I ended up running over 
a family of endangered kangaroo rats. Oh well, who needs them anyway?
     I finally got to the taxidermist. And boy did he have good news:
the rare spotted owls I had ordered had finally arrived and been
stuffed. I liked them so much that I ordered a couple of bald eagles 
to go with them. 
  We went outside and smoked a few cigars together and caught some 
UV rays while we were at it. After throwing our unextinguished cigars 
into the brush, I paid the guy and went to put the spotted owls into 
the trunk. Oops, I left the car running the whole time! So I went over
to the gas station to fill up again (with leaded gas, of course!). As 
I pulled away, I kept hoping that the clerk inside wouldn't notice the 
fuel I accidentally spilled on the ground when I was pulling out the 
pump after I overflowed my own gas tank.
     When I got home, I got the stuffed spotted owls out of the car 
and decided to get cleaned up. I undressed and went into the bathroom 
to relieve myself, and I flushed the toilet 10 times to make sure that 
it went all the way down. I stepped into the shower, and feeling pretty 
good about it being Earth Day, I decided to take a relaxing bath 
instead. After drying off, I groomed my hair using a whole can of 
hairspray loaded with ozone zapping chlorofluorocarbons and other 
good stuff. Then, I shaved with my disposable razor and shaving 
cream containing (guess what?) more CFC's.  Finally, I finished 
grooming by spraying on some deodorant containing (you guessed it!) 
even more CFC's.
  Finally, I sat down in front of the TV to watch the news. They had
this incredible story about a brushfire that turned into a wildfire, 
and it coincidentally happened not far from the same taxidermist's 
shop I had been to earlier in the day. Fortunately for him, the wind 
was blowing away from his shop, and it blew the fire towards the State 
Park instead. And then, this other incredible story came on about how 
a van of environmental activists got blown up when sparks from their 
brakes ignited a pool of gasoline that someone had spilled in front 
of the gas pumps. And the police still had no leads about the poachers 
who stole two bald eagles from the zoo.
     At least the day ended with some good news. The Crime Watch 
Bulletin was offering a substantial reward to anyone who could provide 
information leading to the arrest of the person who polluted the same 
lake right behind my house. Since it wasn't me, I called and reported 
my neighbor. Ever since I heard him talk about some group called 
Greenpeace and the environment, I always suspected that they had some 
wacko environmental agenda. But unlike him, I could feel proud that I 
had done my part in celebrating Earth Day!

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