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Environmentally Concerned Dear Editor, In a late celebration of Earth Day, I decided to stop doing everything enviromentally damaging. I arose early, turned on the light, then realized I couldn't use electricity anymore; hydro-electric dams destroy scenic waterways, nuclear generates waste and uses up nonrenewable resources. I was hungry and was going to fix bacon and eggs and it hit me; how could I could I be so cruel? Think of poor chickens and pigs pumped full of drugs, stuffed into trucks and shipped to slaughter! I got my corn flakes out and realized I couldn't eat them either as farmers use pesticides and fertilizers that pollute the land and water, causing erosion and destroying wildlife habitat at every turn. I grew sicker. I went upstairs to dress -- my wool shirt? No, think of the poor sheep sheared, shivering, waiting to die in the cold spring rains. And what about the poor mothers, stripped of their babies so that I could eat lamb chops? The wool suit was out, but what about my polyester, Dacron or Rayon clothes? No way! Made from petroleum. No off-shore drilling for me! But I was cold so I reached for my fur-lined coat, then dropped it like it was hot. Think of all those critters, chewing off their legs, and ranch raised critters killed with electric prods up their anus. My down coat? No! Plunked from the backs of dead ducks and geese. My leather coat? Just the fur coat with no fur on it. So, I would have to stay naked! Couldn't drive my car anymore; all those oil covered otters in Alaska Convinced me of that. I went back to the kitchen, remembering I had some organically grown wheat. As I began to eat, I thought, what happens to this wheat now? I stopped chewing. It would pass through my body and become sewage, polluting the land and water! I threw my wedding ring away, thinking of those mountains being dug away for gold. My depression grew! Everything I did caused death, pollution or consumption. I thought deeply. Suddenly, a solution occured! An act so enviromentally sound, so non-consumptive, so giving, came into my mind. I would walk, naked, into the desert and die. My flesh would feed the hawk, the magpie, the bobcat, the maggot. What the critters didn't get would soon melt back into the earth and feed the plants. Enviromental renewal! The greatness of the act overwhelmed me. Yes, I swear upon the altar of my god of my fathers, Charles Darwin, that I will carry out this deed of superior character. Note: While trapping coyotes in the desert, I came accross a pile of bleached bones with this letter in a water protected packet. I felt this act should be shown to the public. Also, it turned out to be a great location for catching coyotes, and I was hoping that this 'person' might inspire others of the 'enviromentally conscious' to do the same." Jim Richardson of Oroville, CA |
What I Did for Earth Day. First of all, my alarm clock woke me up as it rang about 100 decibels (not to mention causing enough noise pollution to wake up half the neighborhood as well). I got out of bed and turned on the lights, each of which contain 100-watt bulbs. There was a lot of work to be done around the house today. First, I took out all of the trash that had accumulated over the last week. I just mixed it all together so it would be easier to take out. But when I got outside, I had just missed the trash truck. But not to worry--I just took it over to the lake out back and threw it in there. And then I took a piss in the lake. Getting back to the house, I started on my next task: changing the oil in my car. And can you guess where that went? Into the lake with the trash. Now don't get upset--the water fowl seemed to like it so much that they could hardly pull themselves away from it. And the fish seemed to be turning head over heels in the newly blackened water. After I changed the oil in my car, I removed the catalytic converter and filled the tank with leaded gas. I put on new tires, and guess where I threw the old ones? Right! They went into the lake too. Now that my car was fixed, I hopped in and gunned that V-8 for a good ten minutes--it was really cool to hear that loud roar and to see all of that black smoke coming out of the back. I finally hit the road, and I figured that this would be a good time to clean out all of the trash and rotting food in my car, so I just kept throwing the stuff out the window. Unfortunately, I wasn't paying attention to my driving, and I ended up running over a family of endangered kangaroo rats. Oh well, who needs them anyway? I finally got to the taxidermist. And boy did he have good news: the rare spotted owls I had ordered had finally arrived and been stuffed. I liked them so much that I ordered a couple of bald eagles to go with them. We went outside and smoked a few cigars together and caught some UV rays while we were at it. After throwing our unextinguished cigars into the brush, I paid the guy and went to put the spotted owls into the trunk. Oops, I left the car running the whole time! So I went over to the gas station to fill up again (with leaded gas, of course!). As I pulled away, I kept hoping that the clerk inside wouldn't notice the fuel I accidentally spilled on the ground when I was pulling out the pump after I overflowed my own gas tank. When I got home, I got the stuffed spotted owls out of the car and decided to get cleaned up. I undressed and went into the bathroom to relieve myself, and I flushed the toilet 10 times to make sure that it went all the way down. I stepped into the shower, and feeling pretty good about it being Earth Day, I decided to take a relaxing bath instead. After drying off, I groomed my hair using a whole can of hairspray loaded with ozone zapping chlorofluorocarbons and other good stuff. Then, I shaved with my disposable razor and shaving cream containing (guess what?) more CFC's. Finally, I finished grooming by spraying on some deodorant containing (you guessed it!) even more CFC's. Finally, I sat down in front of the TV to watch the news. They had this incredible story about a brushfire that turned into a wildfire, and it coincidentally happened not far from the same taxidermist's shop I had been to earlier in the day. Fortunately for him, the wind was blowing away from his shop, and it blew the fire towards the State Park instead. And then, this other incredible story came on about how a van of environmental activists got blown up when sparks from their brakes ignited a pool of gasoline that someone had spilled in front of the gas pumps. And the police still had no leads about the poachers who stole two bald eagles from the zoo. At least the day ended with some good news. The Crime Watch Bulletin was offering a substantial reward to anyone who could provide information leading to the arrest of the person who polluted the same lake right behind my house. Since it wasn't me, I called and reported my neighbor. Ever since I heard him talk about some group called Greenpeace and the environment, I always suspected that they had some wacko environmental agenda. But unlike him, I could feel proud that I had done my part in celebrating Earth Day! |
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