Why is Christmas just like another day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit!
Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to
play with them.
CHRISTMESS: Five minutes after the gifts are opened!
My stockings were hanging by the chimney with care,
I'd been wearing them for months and they needed the air.
"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking
for a job the next day." - Phyllis Diller
"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in
Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't
find three wise men and a virgin." - Jay Leno
What's the perfect Christmas gift for the person who has everything?
Something to put it in.
A broad spectrum antibiotic.
No one in the history of the world has ever purchased a fruitcake for
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?
How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?
They both have ornamental balls.
Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
What do Eskimos buy at Christmas time?
What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty at Christmas But Aren't
Why don't you show me your new toys?
It's shorter than the others, but at least it stands up straight.
Come sit on my lap and tell me what you want.
Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
The balls are hung so nicely.
So have you been a good little girl this year?
Come back inside where it's nice and warm.
Santa came last night and ate my cookies.
My stocking's stuffed bigger than yours.
Boy, we sure did get a lot of the white stuff this year.
Politically Correct Christmas?
RAGING CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
Politically Correct: Live tree, planted after use.
Politically Incorrect: Fake tree, discarded after use.
Christmas Ideal: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits.
Christmas Reality: Fake tree stays up until May 31, adorned
RAGING CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
Politically Correct: Each bulb blinks to its own chosen rhythm.
Politically Incorrect: Bulbs flash logo of tree's corporate
Christmas Ideal: Elegant flickering candles.
Christmas Reality: Elegant smoldering cigarettes. Tree bursts
into flames, burns house down.
RAGING CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel
or a star?
Politically Correct: Gender-neutral angel quashes submissive
Politically Incorrect: Blond angel, kneeling, in Hooter's
Christmas Ideal: Authentic angel swoops in from heaven,
Christmas Reality: Hell's Angel stops in for dinner, drinks beer.
RAGING CONTROVERSY: Do yo fling or hang tinsel?
Politically Correct: Fling, empowering each strand with
Politically Incorrect: Hang them. Now.
Christmas Ideal: Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti.
Christmas Reality: Icicles hang next to actual strands of
RAGING CONTROVERSY: Do you open gifts Christmas morning or
Politically Correct: Gifts opened on individual schedules.
Politically Incorrect: Do it Christmas Eve, so the giving is
over in time to enjoy Rush Limbaugh's
Christmas Ideal: "Mommy, Daddy, get up, it's Christmas!"
Christmas Reality: "Mommy, Daddy, get up, it's Christmas!"
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give
me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."
Shortly after Christmas, the teacher of a grade two class announced
that if they wanted to, each child would be given the opportunity to
tell about ONE special gift they had received.
The first little girl stood and said "I got a Bow-Wow from my Daddy."
The teacher addressed the class and sternly told them that they were
certainly old enough to know and use the correct names for things, and
that she didn't want to hear any more baby talk.
She then asked the little girl if she could think of another word for
her gift, one that grown-ups would use.
The little girl replied, "I got a puppy-dog from my Daddy."
The teacher praised her lavishly and went on to the next child, a boy.
"I got a Choo-Choo for Christmas." he beamed.
Again the teacher chided the little tyke, and asked him to think of
another name to describe his gift.
"I got an Electric Train for Christmas!" he said after mulling it over.
The teacher praised him for his efforts. The next little boy,
a normally very quiet kid, stood, said "I got a book." and sat down.
Seeing an opportunity to draw him out a little, the teacher asked,
"And what was the title of your book?"
The little guy hesitated, and then, with a serious face and a knitted
brow began obvious mental efforts. After a couple of minutes of deep
thinking his face brightened and he replied, "Winnie The Shit."
20 Worst Toy Ideas for Children this Christmas
1) Li'l Naturalist Hornet Farm.
2) Pee Wee Herman Pull Toy.
3) 'The Duncan Yo' - Goes down, never comes back up.
Teaches children about warranties.
4) 5,200 Pick Up - A jumbo deck of cards that lets kids
play a larger version of their favorite game.
5) The "Learn About Puberty Chia Pet"
6) Butcher Me O.J. Action Figurine. Comes with black hat, knife
and gloves soaked in real blood. White Bronco sold separately.
7) SuperSoaker 9000: For use on those hard to reach targets such as
NFL referees, low flying planes and many more. At close range it
can strip paint, clean rusty grills and dig utility trenches.
8) The Laff-O-Minit Majic Spellin' Tootor.
9) Doggie Dentist - Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch.
10) Crack Whore Barbie.
11) Cuisin-Art - Turns mommy's food processor into a spinning paint tool.
12) Water Retention Wanda - Teaches kids the principles of the calendar.
13) Advanced Play Medical Kit - includes Colonoscope and Speculum.
14) Olympic Knapsack Full'O'Nails.
15) Chocolate Covered Lead Soldiers.
16) Strangler the Slinky-Doggie.
17) Bungeroo - Kid sized bungee kit for second story bedrooms.
18) Islamic Strip Poker - lose a hand, lose a hand.
19) Junior Electrocutioner Bathtub Boombox.
20) Junior Bondage Play Gear. Comes with real Handcuffs, Nerf Whips
and an Instruction Manual complete with Full Colour Pictures.
CHRISTMAS RUM CAKE
1 or 2 quarts rum baking powder
1c. butter 1tsp. soda
1tsp. sugar lemon juice
2 large eggs brown sugar
1c. dried fruit nuts
Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good,
isn't it? Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring
cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right. To be
sure rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum
into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With
an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure
that the rum is of the finest quality-- try another cup. Open
second quart, if necessary. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried
druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters,
just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again,
checking for tonscisticity. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt
(it really doesn't matter which). Sample the rum again. Sift
1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts.
Add one babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can
find. Wix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees.
Now pour whole mess into the coven and ake. Check the rum again,
and bo to bed.
Rejected Christmas Movies
"Miracle and a Quickie on 42nd Street - A Times Square Christmas"
Spike Lee's "Get On the Sleigh"
Van Damme *IS* "Santa Claude"
Michael Jackson stars in "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas"
"The Deep II - A Chappaquiddick Holiday with Uncle Ted"
"There's no Santa Claus, Charlie Brown"
The spoiled brats ask for the moon and Santa delivers, in "Naked Buns II"
Mickey Rooney & Andy Rooney in "Grumpy Old Elves"
Ross Perot as the autistic elf in "Reindeer Man" ("Of course, I'd be an
"It's a Wonderful Life, My Ass - Pass the Malt Liquor"
Steven Segal *IS* "MissleToe"
Jane Fonda, Julia Roberts and Elizabeth Shue in "Ho, Ho, Ho!"
He's got a red nose and an Uzi. And he's about to teach them some
*new* reindeer games in "Rudolph II - First Blood"
"No, YOU Open It!" - A Kaczynski Christmas
"Blazing Saddles 2 - How the Stench Stole Christmas"
Scaly Otis, A Christmas Story
by David Moll
Christmas Eve is coming soon
A joyous time for all
Puffle every window pane
Decorate the hall
A time for joy and brotherhood
For woolen gloves and hat
A time for Scaly Otis
Santa's Christmas rat
Santa visits children sweet
To bring whate'er they please
Otis finds the naughty ones
And gives them a disease
Yellow fever, dysentery
Lice and ticks and scabies
He knows them well and does them all
But usually it's rabies
He used to have a Santa suit
Of special woolen knit
He gnawed it off while in the grips
Of a psychotic fit
All that's left's a holly sprig
Stapled 'neath his chin
The berry's artificial so
The maggots won't get in
The children quiver in their beds
A-babbling with fear
They know who comes a-calling at
This special time of year
See little Becky Carpenter
With dimple in her chin
Although her face is angel-sweet
Her soul is black with sin
In June she found a robin's nest
And smashed it with a stick
Tonight she'll learn that judgment comes
And judgment comes right quick
He'll clamber up the waterspout
His ghastly snout a-twitchin'
He'll get inside and skulk around
And soon he'll find the kitchen
He'll frolic in the garbage can
Until he's had his fill
And then he'll dart to Becky's room
His whiskers slick with swill
Becky hears the pitter-pat
paws grotesque and wee
Becky pulls the covers back
And bravely looks to see
He looks as though he's inside-out
He smells like pesticide
There's lots of running sores upon
His loathsome scabby hide
He scuttles like a hermit crab
There's larvae in his head
He's bloated with the-Lord-knows what
Some people say he's dead
Scaly Otis bunches up
And leaps into the air
Becky tries to shield herself
But he's already there
Becky wails and thrashes 'round
Her tiny feet a-drumming
Across the hall her parents smile
(They know she's had it coming)
And on that Christmas morning
There's a peace within their home
As Becky lurches down the hall
Her dimples flecked with foam
They'll gather 'round the table
For the splendid glowing feast
Though Becky won't be eating
(She's not hungry in the least)
And they'll raise a toast to Otis
Where'er he may have gone:
"To spare the rat's to spoil the child;
God bless us, every one!"
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the
prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
NEXT CHRISTMAS, THE FRENCH HENS WILL BE WHINING FOR A BIG RAISE
By Laura Bird,
Attention true lovers and inflation watchers: Higher wages for ladies
dancing and maids a-milking are driving up the price of a traditional
The cost of buying the gifts in "The Twelve Days of Christmas" song
rose 5.7% this year to $13,196 from $12,482, according to the annual
Christmas Price Index calculated by PNC Bank Corp. For purists who total
up all 12 partridges, 12 pear trees and every other item mentioned in
all dozen verses, the true cost rose to $54,478 from $51,765.
Blame it on the Philadelphia Dance Company, whose performances fees
rose for the first time in four years, pushing up the cost of nine
ladies dancing by 25%. As for 10 lords a-leaping (dancers from the
Pennsylvania Ballet doing leaps in lordly attire), their salaries held
constant this year, but should rise under a provision of the new labor
contract, PNC economist Rebekah McCahan Fickling says.
Milkmaids come cheap, yet less so than last year. The cost of an
hour of milking by eight maids this year rose 11.8% to $38, reflecting
the higher hourly minimum wage. Cows aren't included.
The index mirrors rising wages in the service side of the economy,
says Patrick Bradley of PNC's asset-management group, which has
compiled the index since 1984. "That isn't to say there aren't
productivity increases" in this sector, he says, quick to defend the
dancing ladies and milkmaids, only that "statistics measure them poorly."
This year's spurt in the Christmas index exceeds the overall inflation
rate of 2.8% for the first nine months of 1996, according to the U.S.
Consumer Price Index. And it follows a nearly 22% decline last
Christmas, when prices of pear trees, gold rings and swans, especially,
took a dive.
Still the index's chief luxury item, swans are selling at a deep
discount. After dropping 50% last year, the price the Philadelphia Zoo
quotes for seven long-necked trumpeter swans held constant at $3,500,
the result of more successful breeding in captivity.
The price of five 14-karat gold wedding bands also was unchanged this
year, at $325 at a Philadelphia jewelry store, following a 28% decline
last year. (Tastes are shifting toward gems in wedding bands, it seems.)
And the price of a pear tree remained $12.50, following a decrease of
more than 37% in 1995.
A man wants to buy a pet for his girlfriend for Christmas, so he goes
to a pet shop...
"Hello, I was thinking of buying a pet for my girlfriend."
"You came to the right place. How about a parrot?"
"I don't know, I was thinking of a more romantic animal."
"It is not just a parrot. It is Chet, the singing parrot. He sings
three different Christmas songs. Let me show you."
The pet shop worker raises the parrot's right foot and lights a match
The parrot sings, "We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish..."
The match is then removed. He then lights a match under the left foot.
"Dashing through the snow in a one horse opeen sleigh..."
The match is then removed.
The man enthusiastically says, "That's really neat. Let me hear the
The pet shop worker then puts a lit match between the parrot's legs.
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire.."
It was Christmas Eve and a woman came home to her husband after a day
of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for
bed he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
He asked her what it was she told him that she had visited the tatoo
parlor that day and on the inside of one leg she had "Merry Christmas"
tatooed, and on the inside of the other one she had "Happy New Year."
Her husband asked her what all that meant and her reply was, Well,
now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between
Christmas and New Years!"
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light,
and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring
that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way,
that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath
the horse, instead of on top."
How to Tell if You're a Grinch
This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare
you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's
1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them
out under your own name (5 points).
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor
display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if
neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf
helper, or reindeer.(10 points for each; if you dressed
an endangered species, 5 extra points).
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children
(1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out
a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target,
Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestigious
box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).
6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family
on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming
you are stuck in a phone booth.
7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles
of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points
if you use this stuff for your own party).
8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your
own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points).
9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a
commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off
as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is
from last year).
10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins
is a definite no-no (20 points).
Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.
20-30: You are just a cheeseball.
30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are
probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas
crime has arrived.
Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
- Do You Hear What I Hear?
- We Three Kings Disoriented Are.
- I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
- Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
- Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
then MAYBE I'll tell you why.
- Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.
- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and
Fire Hydrants and...
-On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and Then Took
it All Away).
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER
-Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
Reasons Why A Christmas Tree Is Better Than A Man
A Christmas tree is always erect.
Even small ones give satisfaction.
A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
A Christmas tree has cute balls.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman
A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you
have had in the past.
Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it on the curb
and have it hauled away.
A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the
back of your pickup truck.
Rating Your Christmas Party
If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw
the kind of party where your guests, the next day, call you up to say
they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another great
party next year.
What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your
guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find
out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be
so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately
start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent
you from having another one.
So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level:
Festivity Level One:
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your
Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano,
sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level Two:
Your guests are talking loudly - sometimes to each other and
sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree
ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano,
gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level Three:
Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing
"I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's drinks,
wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres
in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers
strike them. (You want to keep your party somewhere around Level
Three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case
you can go to Level Four.)
Festivity Level Four:
Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies,
are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The
piano is missing. The best way to get to Level Four is eggnog. Eggnog
is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many people
wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable comes
from the English word "egg," meaning, "egg." I don't know where the
"nog" comes from.
To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they
are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl.
If you use enough booze you won't have to worry about them getting
salmonella poisoning -- their acohol toxicity level will eliminate
that possibility. Then induce your guests to drink this potent mixture.
If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door.
If your party is very successful, the police will then lob tear gas
through your living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure
they don't arrest anybody. Or, if they're dead set on arresting
someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you. The best way to do
this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them
you're not doing anything illegal.
Here's how to handle it:
Police: "Good evening. Are you the host?"
Police: "We've been getting complaints about this party."
You: "About the drugs?"
You: "About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?"
Police: "No, the noise."
You: "Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there are no
guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background.)
Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors?"
Police: "No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could ask the
host to quiet things down?"
You: "No problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive
religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room
and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door onto
the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto
the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind down already."
Why We Don't Have a Christmas Tree
It gets really annoying to have to pick up the tree every morning
after the cats have played in it all night.
It gets really annoying when you tie the sucker to the wall and the
cats chew through the string, and you *still* have to pick the tree
up every morning.
Smashed ornaments and lights are really painful to bare feet and
Tinsel ingested by kitty will usually be a piece about two feet long.
Said tinsel will glitter and twinkle as hanging from kitty's rear end
while you're waiting for it to pass.
Glittering tinsel is too much of a tease to other kitties, who grab
Following kitty around with scissors to cut offending tinsel so that
a foot of it isn't dragging behind him makes kitty mad.
Angry kitties have very sharp claws and pointy teeth.
Chasing and retrieving ornaments from across the house isn't fun.
Chasing and retrieving antique ornaments that manage to be batted all
over the house, yet shatter in your hands as you pick them up is very
Dogs think that the plastic ball-shaped ornaments on the bottom of
the tree are toys made to be plucked off and chewed.
Some cats like to chew electrical cords.
Some cats *really* like to chew electrical cords.
Some dogs actually *will* warn you that the house is about to go up
in flames before the chewed cord shorts out by barking at the cord.
Barking dogs encite their companions to bark and run amok.
Dogs that run amok usually wind up knocking the tree over.
Some dogs think that the tree is meant to be peed on.
Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women
instead of Three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the
baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and, brought practical gifts.
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to
fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be
true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings
were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty and grew
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses
and a fake beard and went in search of an inflatable love doll.
Of course, they don't sell those things at Wal-mart. I had to go to
an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store,
don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three
hours saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!"
"Who owns that?" "Do you have their phone number?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could
also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool
lane during rush hour. I'm not sure what a complicated doll is.
Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood shifts and using a French
accent for no reason at all. (That also describes a few ex-girlfriends.)
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I figured the
"vibro-motion" was a feature Jay could live without, so I settled for
Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call
Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door
key hidden under the mat. In the wee morning hours, long after Santa
had come and gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty
hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and
drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.
Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the
dog confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
bark some more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set
We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the
rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the
traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except
that we forgot that Grandma and and Grandpa would be there.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained. "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this information to myself.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer
her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.
"Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I?
It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance
saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to
me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed
Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but
actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's
last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had
died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise
made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the
The she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice,
and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed
cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell
to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My
brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of
the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure
SHOPPING: HAZARDOUS TO MEN'S HEALTH
By Mitch Stacy
LONDON, 2 Dec 98 (AP) -- Men who detest Christmas shopping have a new
excuse -- it's hazardous to the their health.
Male stress levels skyrocket when faced with crowded stores, choosing
gifts and standing in check-out lines, a British researcher says.
"In some cases, when we looked at heart rate and blood pressure, this
is something you'd expect to see in a fighter pilot going into combat
or policemen going into dangerous situations," said psychologist David
Lewis, who did the research.
Lewis' consulting firm was commissioned for the study by the Brent
Cross Shopping Centre in north London as part of its efforts to reduce
shoppers' stress during the Christmas season.
Lewis recruited 35 shoppers and sent them last month to stores in
London's crowded Oxford Street with identical Christmas lists. Shoppers
ranged in age from 22-79. Two-thirds were women. Some went alone and
some were accompanied by children.
Heart rate and blood pressure were regularly recorded by monitors worn
by the shoppers, who were interviewed by a researcher before and after
Every man in the survey registered considerable increases in blood
pressure and heart rates while only one in four women registered a
Most men surveyed admitted that the stress of Christmas shopping would
make them choose the first gift they see rather than spend time in
crowded stores. Loud music in some stores also added to the stress for
male shoppers, Lewis said.
Lewis, who is writing a book about consumer shopping habits aimed at
retailers, said it all probably comes down to women generally being more
experienced and comfortable with shopping.
"Men like shopping, provided they're going out to buy a Lear jet or a
Porsche or a computer or something, a toy for a boy," he said. "But when
actually forced to do domestic shopping, that's then they become very
stressed out and very fed up."
Dr. Mark Copley, a psychologist at St. George's Hospital Medical School
in London, said Lewis' research generally makes sense. It is especially
notable, he said, because women have higher stress levels than men to
"It sounds intuitively like men don't like shopping anyway and would
find it stressful," he said.
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes
for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice
holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious
persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with
respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of
others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions
at all . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally
accepted calendar year 1999, but not without due respect for the
calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society
have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is
necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in
the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, colour,
age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or
sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This
greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely
transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies
no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is
revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted
to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for
a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday
greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement
of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the
The wishee further agrees to hold harmless and indemnify the wisher,
along with its heirs, assigns, officers, directors, shareholders...
FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS FOR CATS
Up on the Mousetop
Have Yo urself a Furry Little Christmas
Joy to the Curled
I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
The First Meow
Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
Fluffy, the Snowman
Wreck the Halls!
Things Not To Say When Hanging The Lights
Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the
three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? (Our
Psychiatrist claims the other two danger zones are teaching your
mate to drive and wallpapering. He is rarely wrong on these things.)
We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To
Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.
-"You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. You're
supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green,
-"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."
-"What the hell do you do to these lights when you put them away every
year? Tie them in knots?"
-"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that
-"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just
throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."
-"Give me that."
-"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric
pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."
-"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done."
-"You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it
shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"
-"Have you been drinking?"
-"Where's the cat?"
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They find themselves
at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must
present something "Christmassy".
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, and he
is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, and he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent
His Response... "They're Carol's."
Saturday, December 11, 1999
Chanuka and X-mas End Feud
JERUSALEM: Continuing the trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions,
it was announced today that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. Industry
sources said the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever
since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not available at
press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days
of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both
sides. By combining forces, the world will be able to enjoy consistently
high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new
holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords
a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the
conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in
Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to an
even wider audience. Instead of translating to "A great miracle happened
there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous
stuff happens." In exchange, Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and
his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least
three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could
leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner.
A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be
Kosher. All sides appeared happy.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say if a takeover of
Kwanzaa is in the works. He merely pointed out that, were it not for
the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas
and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday
Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the
The press conference with a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye
Faithful." and Jewish retailers in the crowd sang, "What a friend we have
To get us all in the Christmas spirit... Can you name these
Christmas Songs? Answers found below.
1. Approach Everyone Who Is Steadfast
2. Ecstacy Toward The Orb
3. Hush, The Foretelling Spirits Harmonize
4. Hey, Miniscule Urban Area Southwest Of Jerusalem
5. Quiescent Nocturnal Period
6. The Autocratic Troika Originating Near the Accent of Apollo
7. The Primary Carol
8. Embellish The Corridors
9. I Apprehended My Maternal Parent Osculating with a Corpulent,
Unshaven Male in Crimson Disguise
10. I'm Fantasizing Concerning a Blanched Yuletide
11. My Singular Desire For The Impending Yuletide Season Is Receipt
Of A Pair Of Central Incisors.
12. During the Time Ovine Caretakers Supervised Their Charges Past Twilight
13. Celestial Messengers From Splendid Empires.
14. The Thing Manifest Itself at the Onset of a Transparent Day
15. The Tatterdemalion Ebony Atmosphere
16. The Coniferous Nativity
17. What Offspring Abides Thus?
18. Removed in a Bovine Feeding Trough
19. Creator Cool It Ya Kooky Cats
20. Seraphim We Aurally Detect in the Stratosphere
21. Valentino, The Roseate Proboscissed Wapati
22. Father Christmas Approaches the Metropolis
23. Ag Glockenspiels
24. The Slight Percussionist Lad
25. The Antelered Quadruped With The Cerise Proboscis.
26. The Event Occurred At One Minute After 11:59 PM-Visibility Unlimited.
27. Ornament The Enclosure With Large Sprigs Of A Berry-bearing Evergreen.
28. Anticipation Of This Noel's Memento's: Nil.
29. The Approach Of The Holiday Commemorating The Birth Of Christ
Is Becoming Evident.
30. During the Dark Hours When Herdsman Attended Their Charges.
31. A Trio of Non-Occidental Potentates Is Our Identity.
32. A Meteorological Melody Is Manifest.
33. The Yuletide's Diurnal Dozen.
34. Please Permit Pristine Precipitation.
35. 'Rimey', The Mannikin of Crystalline H2O.
36. Our Desire Is Your Yuletide Cheer.
37. Aged Matriarch Plowed Under By Preciptious Darlings.
38. Are You Experiencing Parallel Auditory Input?
39. Endeavor to personally experience singular, miniscule Yule!
-------- Answers ---------
1. O Come All Ye Faithful
2. Joy To The World
3. Hark, The Herald Angels Sing
4. O Little Town of Bethlehem
5. Silent Night
6. We Three Kings
7. The First Noel
8. Deck The Halls
9. I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Clause
10. I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas
11. All I want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth
12. While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks By Night
13. Angels from the Realms of Glory
14. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
15. O Holy Night
16. O Christmas Tree
17. What Child is This?
18. Away in a Manger
19. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
20. Angels We Have Heard On High
21. Rudolph, The Red Nosed Reindeer
22. Santa Claus is Coming To Town
23. Silver Bells
24. The Little Drummer Boy
25. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
26. It came upon a Midnight Clear
27. Deck the Halls with Boughs of Holly
28. I'm getting nothing for Christmas
29. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
30. While Shepherds watched their Flocks by Night
31. We Three Kings
32. There's a Song in the Air
33. The Twelve Days of Christmas
34. Let it Snow
35. Frosty, the Snowman
36. We Wish you a Merry Christmas
37. Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
38. Do You Hear What I Hear?
39. Have Yourselves a Merry Little Christmas
Shit I hate it when bastards send you Christmas Cards and you've had
no intention of sending them one. And it's one of those cheap ones that
cost about 2 cents each, the profits of which go to some charity like
the Arabian Testicle Fund or something, a completely pointless gesture.
And then I get to thinking, does this bugger send cards to everyone,
or are they singling me out for some special attention because they want
something from me. And if they want something, what is it, and if they
get it, will they bugger off and leave me alone?
And then, the NEXT year I think "Should I send that bastard a card
this year in anticipation that they will AGAIN send me an unsolicited
card like the piece of shit that they are; and if they don't, will I
look like a real dork sending them one?"
SHIT I hate that!
Then I have a big conscience vote in my head because I don't know if
I should send them a card back (late), and if I don't, are they waiting
for the mailman every day with a huge bottle of aspirins that they're
going to tip back if no card arrives? Or will they just hate me forever,
and if they do, can I deal with that or not?
Or maybe I hate their guts, and they know it, and they're sending me
a card because they know it'll really churn me up inside and make me
feel like a real piece of human dog shit because I don't want to reply.
So maybe I send them a card, and like I don't know what to say,
because the only thing I can remember about them is that they ran down
my cat 10 years ago, so I have to say something pathetic like "Dear
Niall, have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year" when I'd really like
to say something like "Niall, you chunk of shit, just don't think I've
forgotten what you did to my cat, and I'VE got a car now, and I'm gunning
for you and your wimpy Siamese, so next time you step out on the street
you better be praying, that's all I've got to say!"
So I start to use the "Merry Christmas" message (cos my conscience has
won out) and then I realize that that's exactly the same bloody message
as is printed in the card, so now it'll look like "Dear Niall, HAVE A
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR have a Merry Christmas and a Happy
New Year" so I tear up the card because if I scribble it out, they're
going to know I stuffed up, and if I try and cover it up, they're going
to think I'm *really* cheap, reusing one of those cheap cards.
Then I realize it's the last bloody card I had, so I have to go down
to the shop to get another one, only they're out of the cheap ones and
the only ones they have left cost about a million bucks each and have
glitter ALL OVER the front, and are 10 times better than what I'd send
to my girlfriend even, so I HAVE to bloody buy one, and then I wonder
what will the hated one think when they get the thing -- will they think
that all is forgiven (like hell) and come round on Christmas Day for a
reconciliation and run down my new cat cos it's nine years old now and
can't get out of the way of cars so good any more. So I have to write
something at the bottom that means "Have a Merry Christmas but don't
ever come around because I would've got a cheap card if I could've"
Eventually, I find a message rough enough to do, and send it off,
then the girlfriend comes round and sees all this glitter all over the
place and asks where it came from. I tell her it's off a card and she
goes ape-shit saying that I never sent her one like that, hers was one
of those 2 cent ones from Father Margaret's Sex Therapy Clinic, and so
I have to lie and tell her it was for my parents. Then I remember that
she's coming around for Christmas Dinner and she'll look for my card,
so I have to send the folks one to cover up, so I go down to the shop
and buy another card, exactly the same as the last, with glitter and
everything, except I have to hock off all my valuables to pay for it,
and THEN the girlfriend surprises me with a present, then sees the card
and now she's REALLY angry because A. I lied to her and B. I must have
a "piece of skirt" on the side. She's running around screaming and I
can't hear myself think and so I just tap her on the shoulder to calm
her down, only I miss her shoulder and hit her on the head instead,
and wouldn't you know it, I had the claw hammer in my hand and so she's
face down on the rug, dead, and now I'm really pissed off cos I bought
a card for nothing! And I'm down a girlfriend too! Shit!
So now I've got to try and hide the body, and ISN'T IT ALWAYS THE WAY?
About 2 years ago I had bags and bags of hydrated lime and I thought,
"I'll never use these" and gave them away, and bugger me if as soon as
you get rid of something you need it again.
So I don't enjoy my Christmas cos everyone's asking me where my
girlfriend is, including the police and I'm hoping that the new fishpond
I put in stays in place, if you know what I mean.
SO IF YOU'RE THINKING OF SENDING ME A CHRISTMAS CARD, JUST STICK IT
UP YOUR ASS OK?!