Jim never forget his wife's birthday.
It's the day after she reminds him of it.
When Joe has a birthday he takes the day off. But when his
wife has a birthday, she takes a year or two off.
Birthdays, humph.... Our folks were so poor we couldn't
give our sister a sweet 16 party until she was 28.
On Sam's 60th birthday his wife gave him a superb birthday
present. She let him win an argument.
A well adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she
wants for her birthday, but even knows what she's going
to exchange it for.
We know when we're getting old, when the only thing we want
for our birthday is not to be reminded of it.
It's so sad to grow old alone. Susan hasn't had a birthday in
4 years. She was born in the year of our Lord only knows.
By the time the last candle was lit on her birthday cake in
August, the first one had gone out. If she ever told her
real age her birthday cake would be a fire hazard. When it
was fully lit, it looked like a prairie fire.
For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with
this inscription: "You are not getting older. You are just
getting better."
Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put
'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting
better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake
that he discovered that the cake read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP.
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
A Special Birthday Wish!
It's your Birthday!!!
That wonderful time of year when
the cake comes down the chimney
and you blow out all the candles
on your eggs and everyone sings
Valentine Carols to you while
you open your pumpkins!
What the heck!
You're old,
You're confused;
You don't know the difference!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
P.S. If anyone sets off firecrackers or begins to sing
"Auld Lang Syne," remember; it's still your birthday!
I answered the phone on my birthday to hear my uncle singing
"Happy Birthday."
I thanked him and said, "It's a good thing you got the right
number."
Well, the first time I didn't," he confessed, "but the woman
I reached told me I needed the practice."
Happy 39th for the first time.
Congratulations on reaching the absolute worst age that you could
possibly be. For the next 365 days all you will think about is the
days you have left until you are 40. They will just fly past.
You will be worried about your wrinkles taking over your body
(they will).
You will be worried that it will take all night to do the things
that you used to do all night.
You can only hope that you will have enough breath to actually
blow out 40 candles.
You will be wondering how many short years until someone will be
feeding you and changing your diaper.
365 days left until boy scouts will grab your cane and try to
help you across the street, and you will go with them because
it is nice to have someone talk to you.
You will find new freedom in bed because most of your body parts
will be on the dresser or in a glass beside your bed.
And worst of all you only have 365 days of memory left, 365 days
of torture knowing that all that I have said will come true. I
know this, for I am over 40. But it doesn't matter because I
can't remember what I am supposed to worry about. But for the
next 365 days YOU CAN.
Happy Birthday!
A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother:
Dear Grandmother, I'm sorry I forgot your birthday last week.
It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday.
With love,
Mike
"LET US SPRAY"
A joy of which I'll not partake
Is eating children's birthday cake.
To "blow out" candles, in a word,
Is really patently absurd:
Each puff contains sufficient moisture
To propagate your av'rage oyster.
So, Birthday-Boy and ditto-Daughter,
Withhold from me your whiff of water.
I do not need some little squirt
To atomize on my dessert.
Among the things I will not do
Is have my cake and drink it, too.
Birthday Cards:
Outside:
We don't feel sorry for you blowing all those candles,
what about us...
Inside:
...We had to stay up all night lighting them!
Outside:
There is not much known about sex at your age...
Inside:
... Rats dont live that long.
I assure you that after reading this card you'll be a
brand new person.
Happy Birthday, Gus - (wrong first name)
So, Caligula's birthday is coming up and his servants are
thinking what to give him for his b-day.
One says, "Let's bring him 100 women, so he can have some
fun with them".
"No", says the other, "we did this some time ago. I suggest
we behead 100 solders and bring him their heads".
"We did this last year. I have an idea, let's decorate a
tree, like a Xmas tree, and hang slaves on it".
"Ok", says the other one.
And so they decorated the tree with hanging slaves.
Next morning Caligula wakes up, walks to the window and sees
the tree decorated with hung people.
One slave raises his head and with a harsh voice (because of
the rope) asks "Are you Caligula?"
"Yes, so what?"
Slave, clearing his throat: "Happy birthday to youuuuu..."
TOP REASONS FOR FORGETTING YOUR SPOUSE'S BIRTHDAY
It was during football season.
I didn't forget. I just had all of the department
stores, florists and bakeries shut down in tribute.
Well, I guess that makes us even, you forgot to pick up
my laundry!
Spouse? Man, I gotta quit drinking tequila.
Remind her how you accidentally sent her flowers on your
girlfriend's birthday.
Interminable delay at divorce lawyer's office.
Syphilis you got from call girl has addled your brain.
Concerned so many candles on the cake would burn the house down.
Things that sound nasty but aren't at a Birthday Party.
Can I unwrap the big one first?
Check out the honker on that clown!
Put the blindfold on and just go for it.
Line up for spankings!
Rub it on your chest and see if it'll stick to the wall.
It must be broken, nothing happens when I blow.
My gift is just the right size.
Who wants to lick the batter off?
I bobbed but just couldn't get my mouth around it.
Time to whack the ol' pinata.
Signs That You Hired The Wrong Clown For Four Child's Party
By the end of the party, he's got every kid doing the
'pull my finger' trick.
Clown car must be started with a breathalizer device.
Keeps screaming "My name's not BO-zo, it's Bo-ZO!"
References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on
most 5 year olds.
Props for his "disappearing trick" include a moving van and
your wide screen tv.
Scares the crap outta the kids during the "severed limb" trick.
Tells kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.
Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist you dachshund
into other animal shapes.
Prefaces each trick with, "Here's a little number I learned
in the joint.
Not exactly the PeeWee Herman impression you were expecting.
Wears a t-shirt that says, "Drug free since March!".
More interested in squirting seltzer into his scotch than
into his pants.
Those big clown ears look too darn life-like, and the entire
act consists of showing charts and complaining about the deficit.
No wait that's Ross Perot.
a sad clown is one thing, a clown who spends the entire party
with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.
Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a 'snake on acid'.
Business cards include the phrase 'From the mind of Steven King...".
Price list includes "lap dances" and "around the world".
All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
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