Element: WOMEN
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less, usually more)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may
freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used
well.
Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong
affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left
alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green
when placed next to a better specimen. Ages rapidly.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of
wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to
interrupt her.
In any argument with her he always gives in. What's the use?
It's just his word against thousands of hers!
Women are so unreasonable! My wife gets mad because every
Saturday night I take a bath with bubbles in it. I mean, if
Bubbles doesn't mind, why should she?
DAUGHTERS BOYFRIEND: I'd like to marry your daughter.
REPLY-FATHER: Have you seen my wife yet?
DAUGHTERS BOYFRIEND: Yes, I have. But I prefer your daughter.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to screw in a bulb?
None. Let the bitch do it by herself.
Did you hear about the new all-woman delivery company.
It's called UPMS. They deliver your package when they darn
well feel like it!
How can you tell if a woman is happy?
Who cares!
How are women like paper cups?
Both are disposable.
Why do women like intelligent men?
Opposites attract.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose,
would you go to lunch or to a movie?
My wife ran off with my best friend..I sure do miss him!
What do you call an intelligent woman in America?
A tourist.
Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!
Some mornings I wake up grouchy...
and some mornings I just let her sleep!
What do you call a woman who has lost her mind?
A widow.
How many men does it take to mop a floor?
None. It's a woman's job.
In the midst of a quarrel, the wife bitterly yells at her husband,
"I was such a fool when I married you."
Retorts her husband, "That's so true. But I was in love and
didn't notice."
Wife: "You look tired, honey. How about a nice steak, mashed
potatoes, and an apple pie for dessert?"
Husband: "No thanks, I'm too tired. Let's just eat at home."
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Don't be sexist. Broads hate that!
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
She's a woman!
A businessman, an intelligent woman, and the Easter Bunny get
into an elevator. There is a $100.00 bill lying on the ground.
Who picks it up?
The businessman; the other two don't exist!
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody!
Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen???
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told!
What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?
Find another wife!
Feminists are o.k., I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one!
Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or when she's awake.
Why does it take four women with PMS to screw in a light bulb?
Because it does, alright!?!?
"I'd like my wife to be beautiful, well-behaved, smart, and rich,"
the bachelor said.
"Oh, well, then you'll have to get married 4 times", replied
his friend.
Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.
Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.
Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
Joe: They all died, Jim.
Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Jim: I see, an accident.
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't...there's a clock on the stove!
Why did God create women?
Because a beer can't cook supper!
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over,
made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a
wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well,
and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said,
"It really works!"
How do you keep a woman from wanting sex?
Marry her.
Why did God make Adam first?
Because he didn't want advice on how to.
Why did the army send so many premenstrual women to the Gulf?
Because they fought like animals and retained water for four days.
What's the new definition of a perfect woman?
She has 5 buttons:
(1) Suck (2) Fuck (3) cook (4) clean (5) off.
Why are women such bad drivers?
Their depth perception is shot because men have been telling
them that 5 inches is 1 foot.
Why can't you trust a women?
You just can't trust anything that bleeds for five days and
doesn't die!
How does a single woman get rid of a cockroach?
She asks for a commitment!
How are women like parking spaces?
The best ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, and That's Not Funny!!!
What's the definition of a perfect woman?
One who, after you're done screwing her, turns into a 6 pack and
3 of your buddies.
What's the difference between savings bonds and women?
Savings bonds are worth something when they mature.
What do 10,000 battered women have in common?
They just don't listen!!
Why do women live longer than men?
They have more clothes they wouldn't be caught dead in.
A Guide To Women
Women, by nature, are evil. It is only when we understand this
simple concept that men can ever hope to understand women. Hopefully,
with these guidelines, men will have a better understanding of the
mysterious ways of womankind.
The first thing one must remember about a woman is that she knows
everything. This is without exception. To go as far as say that a
woman knows what you are thinking is not unrealistic. If, at any
point of time, you are unsure of what you are thinking, one of the
best ways to find out is to ask the nearest woman.
But, unfortunately, there is a drawback to asking a woman such a
question. This drawback is that she, in all probability, will answer.
And once a woman starts talking, it is very rare that she will ever
stop. I believe this has something to do with the way that women
think. Women believe that as long as they are talking, people are
listening. Of course, listening to a woman talk can be very tedious
at times. It is OK not to listen to her as long as you nod your head
in agreement and say Uh-huh every now and then. This makes the woman
think you are listening and therefore she is happy.
Happiness is a good thing in a woman. If a woman is not happy,
all hell breaks loose. In order to help a woman keep a state of
happiness, one should buy her gifts for various reasons. These
reasons include the one-month anniversary, the one-year anniversary,
Presidents Day, and any day whose date is a multiple of one. These
gifts could be in the conventional form of flowers and candy, or for
greater happiness, cars and real estate.
Often, when a woman says something, it is not what she means.
But, other times, she says exactly what she means. It is only
possible to distinguish these two cases if you are a woman. Since
women already know the nature of women, this is of no use to them.
For men, we can only hope to distinguish the difference, for a
mistake in judgement can result in death.
Women know what men want. This is very strange, because even men
sometimes don't know what they want. However, I must observe that
it seems that what men want for the most part is women. This is
unfortunate, for women know this fact and know that it is possible
for them to do almost anything and this fact will not change.
Women have a very delicate nature. It is virtually impossible to
keep one happy all of the time. It is totally impossible to know
what one is thinking or feeling. And it is also impossible for us
men, knowing how evil they are, not to love them. Women. You can't
live with 'em. And, you can't live with 'em.
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE ESTROGEN ISSUES.
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
that says: "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
1. OTHER WOMEN
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of
pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls say, "Don't... Stop..."
Bad girls say, "Don't Stop..."
WOMEN...
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you aren't, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk
Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say...
1. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping
my husband company while I go for a swim?
2. Oh, look, that women and I have the same dress on! I think I'll
go introduce myself!
3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and
I'm happy for them both.
4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.
5. He makes more money than I do, so I broke up with him.
6. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned
waiter with a heart of gold any day!
7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him
with the color choices!
8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!
9. Why can't I find a guy who'll have a wild carefree night of sex and
then just go his separate way for once?
10. I just realized; my butt doesn't look fat in this, my butt is fat!
Yesterday Scientists in The USA revealed that beer contains
small traces of female genes. To prove their theory they fed
100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started
talking rubbish, couldn't parallel park nor balance their cheque
book.
12 Sure Fire Ways To Know You're A Woman
1. You're a bitch.
2. When asked, Is something bothering you?, reply NO, then get pissed
off when you are believed.
3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties,
start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
5. Whine.
6. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your
almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to
sleep, it's because he is lazy.
7. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
8. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
9. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying
for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required
gifts proving his love.
10. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your
cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress of your life.
11. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend/husband
must be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be
informed immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.
12. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing
anything other than catering to your needs.
What The Perfect Woman would say:
1. I'll swallow it all...I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Oh come on, what do you say we get a good porno movie, a case of
beer, a few joints, and have my friend Susan over for a threesome!
5. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had
time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey...our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother did a great job raising you.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy
yourself new golf clubs.
19. I understand fully... our anniversary comes every year for
Christ's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful
stress reliever.
20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21. Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that
new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you
retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep you big silly, now stop getting up for the
night feedings.
24. That was a great fart! Do another one!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my
head for you...
26. You'd better drive, you're safer than I am and besides,
everyone knows women can't drive.
27. Actually, we shouldn't have been given the vote. We're better
off in the kitchen.
28. I think a big motorcycle is a great idea.
29. I don't care if my ass looks big in this, let's just go out
and get trashed.
30. Aim where you like, it's really good for my skin.
Why are women like screen doors?
Once they get banged a few times they loosen up.
Why is a woman like a warm toilet seat?
They both feel good but you wonder who's been there before you.
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas.
She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What
rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests,
"I don't know... why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a
great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes
back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady
is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling
over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on
29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
If women truly ran the world....
Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
PMS/PMT would be a legitimate defence in court.
Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding
wedding rings in their pockets.
A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because
he is breathing.
Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard
would increase by 40 pounds.
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
"Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily
clad male models.
Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours
of bedtime.
Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for
none of the credit.
Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks"
Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.
Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would
be no pictures.
Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're
beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."
Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their
accomplishments.
Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
All toilet seats would be nailed down.
Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS/PMT simulator
During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would
date 19 year olds.
Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention
constantly.
After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to
wait on their wives hand and foot.
For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year
olds for six weeks.
Things NOT to say to a naked woman...
Cool, I've never been to the Grand Canyon.
How many storage boxes can you fit in there?!
You must be very experienced.
Remember, you said this was a freebie...right?
Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don't fall in.
I gotta take off my watch, wouldn't wanna lose it.
Why do you wear a bra when you've already got a belt.
Would you mind rolling around in this flour.
I heard carpenters dream about you.
So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
Look....I can get my whole arm in.
It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
Is that an optical illusion?
If I look right at it I feel like I'm falling in.
Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?
Do you mind if I wear one too...in case yours falls off?
Jeez...What ya got up there, dead fish?
I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
I've been wondering all night what that smell was.
Maybe if I get really wasted I wont mind your body.
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Everybody down at the bar said you were good.
Oh, that's why they call it a Wonderbra, it makes those lines go away.
Huh? They told me your name was Jezebel.
I expect a good time, at least, the bathroom wall said so.
You're not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.
You're not 'that' fat.
I see why everyone said, with you, it's better with the lights out.
Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.
What does a Woman have in common with a Kentucky Fried Chicken?
When you've had the thigh and breast, you've got a greasy box
to stick your bone in.
What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A computer will accept a 3 and a half inch floppy.
What's six inches long that women love?
Money
Why do women fake orgasm?
Because they think men care!!!
How can you tell if your girlfriend is ugly?
She's getting artificial insemination, and the syringe goes limp!
Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?
Because when the dragged them by the feet, they filled up with dirt.
Why are women fond of hunters?
They go deep into the bush, and they always eat what they shoot.
Why are women like dog turds?
The older they are, the easier it is to pick up them up.
What's the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A toilet doesn't follow you around once you've used it.
What do a motor scooter and a fat woman have in common?
They are both fun to ride until you friends see you.
Hear about the cross-eyed seamstress?
She couldn't menstruate.
How can you tell a macho women?
She rolls her own tampons.
How do you know that a female bartender is pissed off with you?
There's a string hanging out of your bloody Mary.
How is a woman like a condom?
If its not on your dick its in your wallet.
Whats the difference between BSE and PMS?
One's mad cow disease, the others an agricultural problem.
How do we know that women are dynamite?
Ever try dropping one?
How is a car like a woman?
Because on a cold morning when you really need them to turn over,
neither of them will.
Why don't women have brains?
Because they don't have a dick to keep one in!
Have you met the "bud light" couple?
She tastes great, and he's less filling!
Women! You can't live with them..... pass the beer nuts...
Women! You can't live with them.....can't deep fry 'em.
Women do come with instructions, ask them!
Why did God create women?
To give the sheep a rest.
When is it much better to be a women than a men?
When you are in the lavatory and the plane hits turbulence.
Why are women like snow flakes??
They are all beautiful
They are all different
They can all be cold as ice.
But they'll all melt when they land on your face...
What's the most painful part of a sex change operation for a man?
The removal of the brain and the widening of the mouth!!!
Why does the doctor hit the baby's behind when it is born?
To knock the balls off the stupid ones.
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a
fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is
turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous
one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The
black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent
than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he
walks across the bridge.
"That new girl in the typing pool is driving me crazy!" bemoaned
the yuppie to his friend. "That girl is a real mirage."
"Aren't you using the wrong word?" asked his friend. "A mirage is
something you can see but can't feel."
"Yeah," came the reply, "That describes her exactly!"
The 7 most Important Men in a Women's Life
1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all your clothes".
2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide".
3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the
back?"
4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or
blown?".
5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside,
you'll love it!".
6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon,
you'll lose interest!".
7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always
shoot twice & always eat what he shoots.
Anyway, did you hear about the girl who had tits on her back??
She was pretty gruesome to look at but she was a lot of fun to
dance with.
Now that it is the year 2000, everyone is going to have to learn how to
speak to a woman and be politically correct about it so here is a
list of what you need to say instead of what you usually do say:
POLITICALLY CORRECT TERMS ABOUT WOMEN:
She is not: A BAD COOK
She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not: A BAD DRIVER
She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She is not a: PERFECT 10
She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED
She does not have: SEXY LIPS
She is: COLLAGEN DEPENDENT
She does not get: DRUNK
She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED
or
She becomes: VERBALLY DYSLEXIC
or
She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED
She is not: A GOSSIP
She is a: VERBAL TERMINATOR
she does not: WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an: ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER
She is not: HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
She is not: COLD OR FRIGID
She is: THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE
She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
She will never: GAIN WEIGHT
She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
She does not: SHAVE HER LEGS
She experiences: TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION
She does not: SUN BATHE
She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT
She does not: SHOP TOO MUCH
She is: OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS
or
She is: MALL FLUENT
She does not have: A KILLER BODY
She is: TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She does not have: BIG HAIR
She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED
She does not: SNORE
She is: NASALLY REPETITIVE
She is not: TOO SKINNY
She is: SKELETALLY PROMINENT
She does not: GET PMS
She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She is not a BABE or a CHICK
She is a: BREASTED AMERICAN.
She has not BEEN AROUND
She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not a BLEACHED BLOND
She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not an AIRHEAD
She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY
She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not HORNY
She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY
She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED
She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER
She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT
She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB
She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME
She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED
She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY
She is a NONINHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS
She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.
She does not NAG YOU
She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT
She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She is not LOOSE
She is MORALLY IMPARED.
She is not: EASY
She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
You do not ask her: TO DANCE
You request: A PRECOITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
She does not have a: GREAT BUTT
She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS
She does not have: GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK)
Her breasts are: CENTRALLY LOCATED
She does not have: A HARD BODY
She is: ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE
Her breasts will never: SAG
They will: LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD
She does not: CUT YOU OFF
She becomes: HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE
She does not have: BIG HOOTERS
Her: CUPS RUNNETH OVER
She is not: AN UNTOUCHABLE SNOBS
She is a: SRATCH RESISTANT MODEL
She is not: HALF NAKE
She is: WARDROBE IMPAIRED
She does not want to be: MARRIED
she wants to: LOCK YOU IN DOMESTIC INCARSERATION
10 Things Women Will Simply Never Understand...
Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is probably for the
best. Women are better off not knowing that we eat with our hands
the minute they leave the room or that we use their nail clippers to
trim our nose hair. Better for them, better for us. Still, it's
annoying that women spend more time and money trying to understand
the minds of cats than they do wondering about what makes men tick.
Which is why they'll never understand...
1. Our consuming need to own the biggest and most expensive version
of just about everything.
Our compulsive desire to drive off-road vehicles in cities and use
corkscrews that resemble off-shore drilling equipment is
well documented. As marketing targets, men are suckers for terms
like "professional" or "industrial strength", because inside every
man is the germ of every profession he ever imagined himself one day
excelling at. Most of these purchases are harmless, little more than
childish wish fulfillment played out at a higher testosterone level.
But occasionally we go too far. The guy upstairs from me once
boasted that he had a filter which filled his flat with "operating
theatre quality air". I kept him away from my surgical steel steak
knives.
2. Why we are so bad at shopping.
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We've never been trained to do it the right way. Supermarkets are
like giant booby traps for males - which is why if you send a man
out to but eggs, sugar and bread you should not be surprised if he
returns home with a case of wine, a pair of jeans and a tree.
3. The reason why we don't like to discuss The Relationship.
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Most of us will find any excuse to dodge those conversations that
start with questions like "Are you really happy?" and "Where do you
see us going?" A relationship is a delicate thing, like an antique
clock, and we know what will happen if we start picking it apart.
Often our reticence will result in a lengthy conversation about why
we have trouble talking about The Relationship.
4. Why we think we can fix things.
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Almost all men believe they can repair virtually anything with a
little patience. In reality, we're only half right. Men are
extremely good at taking things apart: whether it's a dishwasher or
an antique clock, a man can break it down to its most basic
components in no time. Unfortunately, this is where our expertise
usually leaves off, and we're mostly satisfied with leaving bits and
pieces spread all over newspaper on the kitchen table.
5. Men and video games.
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Women cannot understand how grown men can waste huge chunks of their
lives zapping things off a screen. When a man repeatedly rings his
girlfriend to say he has to work late and routinely comes home at two
in the morning all glassy eyed, she will usually take this as
evidence of an affair - when it's more likely that a pirated copy of
Streetfighter II is making the rounds at the office.
6. That sometimes we really are ill.
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When men get ill, women are generally united in their belief that we
are faking it. This is based on a tired old axiom stating that men
will never fully understand the agony of childbirth so deserve no
sympathy regarding matters of pain, fear or incapacitation. For the
record, it should be noted that all men are in a constant state of
feeling slightly under the weather just from being men. It's only a
misplaced sense of machismo that forces us from our beds every day to
go into work and then down to the pub for a couple of schooners of
the only thing that ever makes us feel any better.
7. The way we watch television.
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Men don't just watch the TV, they plug right in. Once we're on the
right wavelength, we can watch almost anything, including
commercials, with a slack-jawed intensity which probably drives you
crazy. Unfortunately for women, men cannot achieve this higher state
without a firm grasp on the remote.
8. Our sense of humor.
***********************
When women say that what they most want from a man is a sense of
humor, they tend to mean something different from what we mean.
Women never understand the comic genius of their mate who makes
beer come out of his nose.
9. Why we're so boring.
***********************
Male conversation generally relies heavily on petty obsession,
technical jargon, numbing detail and presumed expertise. Topics
that women only feel the need to mention in passing become Test-Match
length debates among men. True, some of us are able to combine a
scintillating wit with a flair for story telling and a nose for
gossip, but we tend to reserve these talents for conversations with
women. Between ourselves, the drive to talk at length about tire
pressure or "Star Trek" episodes is too alluring. Even if your loca
pool team boasted Socrates, Einstein and Oscar Wilde as members,
you'd still probably have to discuss the fastest way to get to the
freeway.
10. The male menopause.
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Midlife crisis, the seven year itch, whatever you like to call it -
women don't understand the seriousness of this condition, instead
seeing it only as an excuse for a man to resign from his job, buy a
Harley Davidson and start a relationship with a woman a third of his
age. Like there has to be more to it than that.
Women are like banks:
- You deposit,
- You withdrawal,
- You lose interest.
What does a washing machine, a dishwasher, a refridgerator
and a woman have in common?
They all leaked when they are Fucked
More Female Truisms
You cannot be a failure. The worst you can be is a housewife.
If you commit a crime, you can blame it on what a man did to you at
some time in your life.
Why get a driver's license when you can get a boyfriend?
People don't assume you're gay if you're still a virgin
past the age of 13.
You don't have to do anything for yourselves if you don't want to.
You don't have to be able to run as fast or lift as much to be a
firefighter.
There are programs to help you out in life, merely because you are female.
You are more likely to survive if you're on a sinking ship.
Your genitals aren't an easy target for schoolyard bullies with
steel-toed boots.
Nothing is ever your fault.
Your friends don't think you're whipped if you bring your mate to a
party/bar with you.
Your friends don't fall down laughing if you tell them you're in love.
Crying in public is a perfectly acceptable method of getting your own way.
You never have to say what it is you want, but you can reserve the
right to be angry if you don't get it.
"Logic", "reason", and "common sense" are evil constructs of the
Patriarchy, and therefore don't apply to you.
You can tell sexist jokes without losing your job.
You can look at a man without losing your job.
After conception you can still choose whether or not you want
to be a parent.
For a woman, being a nice person is considered sexually attractive.
Commitment doesn't cost you 2 months' salary.
Your gender is assumed and not something you have to prove through
Herculean feats.
An large age difference between you and your mate may be embarrassing,
but it isn't prosecutable.
Sex is a tool for getting what you really want, whatever that may be.
Only a woman could write this list and get away with it.
Top Reasons Why Its Better To Be A Woman:
1. we can get laid anytime we want
2. we never have to buy our own drinks at the bar
3. we piss sitting down so its easier to pass out on the toilet
when you are drunk
4. we get out of speeding tickets by crying
5. we get out of speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg
6. we can sleep our way to the top of the class
7. we get to shop at Victoria's Secret
8. we can marry rich and then not have to work
9. we never have to pay when we go out on dates
10. men take us on all expense paid trips- all we have to
do is sleep with them
11. men light our cigarettes for us
12. men hold the door open for us
13. we pout better (those puppy dog eyes always work!)
14. we're cuter
15. we lie better
16. we're better manipulators
17. we always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other
halves - you guys get the couch
18. we always have food in the fridge
19. when we cook, it doesnt precede a trip to the ER or a visit from
the fire dept
20. we always get to choose the movie
21. we dont have to mow the lawn
22. we dont have to take out the garbage
23. we dont have to paint the house or walls
24. PMS- yet another excuse to bitch at men
25. cosmopolitan
26. we can con our way out of anything - not just dig ourselves deeper
into a hole
27. men unlock our side of the car first- a real bonus when its cold
28. PMS is a legal defense for murder
29. men are like tiles, lay em right the first time ya can walk all
over em forever
30. we can masturbate more in a day than men
31. 2 words- multi orgasmic
32. we dont have to constantly adjust our genitals
33. sweat is sexy on us
34. we never run out of excuses
35. you guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we
could be having it that often
36. doggie style- that way we get to watch the game too
37. we get expensive jewelery as gifts that we NEVER have to give back
38. we get candy, flowers and jewelery all the time cuz men
fuck up so often
39. we can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower
in the corner
40. women are cleaner
41. women have more than one erogenous zone (in case you guys didnt know)
42. we're better arguers
43. we dont always have to think with our genitals
44. massage!!!!
45. we're better parents
46. we never have to sit home alone on a weekend night
47. there's never a shortage of ready, willing and able men
48. we're flexible
49. when women get pissed we dont destroy property or hurt people-
we just take it out on the world in general because we can
50. menopause- thank god we're not capable of having children
after we're 50
51. menstruation- just another excuse to use so we can say "no"
to sex
52. men in uniform
53. there is no penis envy
54. we can just roll over and go to sleep after we masturbate because
there's no messy clean-up
55. it generally takes us less to get drunk
56. we have a higher tolerance to pain
57. we often get to cut in line
58. most women actually look good in short shorts- men DONT
59. better tips
60. women who don't wear underwear are considered sexy and wild,
when men do it, its rather disgusting
61. we have mastered civilized eating- we dont embarass our friends
or make loud bodily noises in public
62. women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or
smell disgusting- thank god for long pants and perfume!
63. we can connive men into doing our homework, writing our papers
or carrying our books anytime we want
64. we dont have excessive amounts of body hair
65. we dont spend 45 minutes on the toilet
66. men will pay us for sex
67. smoking the seeds in marijuana doesn't make us sterile
68. we can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return
69. men may fantasize about having sex with more than one woman at
a time, but we can have sex with an entire football team at once
if we want
70. men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that
if a car hits us, he gets hurt not us
71. women sweat less
72. women smell better
73. when women make their boyfriends mad, we dont have to waste
money on flowers or cards- a blowjob and sex fixes all
74. men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats
75. women dont get the humor in the three stooges
76. women have three accessible holes
77. we don't get embarassed when buying tampons
78. we're better gossips
79. we have better fasion sense
80. we're better shoppers
81. we dont have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man
82. our friends dont pick on us if we aren't sleeping with anyone
83. men dont know what our 'girl talk' is all about (and im not
gonna tell you)
84. we're all sittin on a gold mine- we know it and use it to our extreme
advantage
85. we dont have to drive when on a date
86. an ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become
presentable - ugly men are just fucked
87. women can use the old "that mark on my neck is from a
curling iron burn" line
88. women know how fake it
89. women look better naked
90. we know that rhythm doesnt only pertain to dancing
91. when women are short, we're petite, when men are short,
they're just short
92. women do less time for violent crime
93. women dont have to worry about not being able to get it up
94. an oblong vegetable is all we need for a good time anynight
95. womens conversations generally consist of more than just
"uh huh, yep ok then bye"
96. women dont need an excuse to be in a bad mood
97. women never have to see combat
98. the remote control is not an extension of ourselves
99. women are sexier
100. we can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it!
101. We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a
lot of cycling/swimming, or any other sport that would require
aerodynamic legs.
102. We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect
of our sexuality.
103. When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous.
When men buy a blow up doll it's sad.
104. We can use cosmetics should we wake up looking like something
the cat dragged in.
105. We can wear platforms - which is why there is no such thing as a
"little woman syndrome"
106. We don't have to get our strength up between sessions...and it's
much easier for us to get laid in the first place.
107. We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.
108. We never ejaculate prematurely.
109. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological
disorder excuses.
110. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our
calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
111. We know that Tetris is the computer game to end all games.
112. We got off the Titanic first.
113. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous...they
look like complete dicks in ours.
114. We have total control over our eyebrows.
115. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
116. It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.
117. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
118. The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts...
and pool...and football.
119. We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing
inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers...
men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
120. We know that games are fun, but don't believe there's a direct
correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our
genitals.
121. Taxis stop for us.
122. We get drunk quicker and cheaper.
123. We have no desire to arrange our possessions in alphabetical
order. Ever.
124. We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure
in a computer game.
125. It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner
workings of a 'ruck' (or any other rugby thing). But we look
INCREDIBLY cool if we do.
126. We never recognise ourselves in aspects of Mr Bean. Ever.
127. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
128. We know the Truth about whether or not size matters.
129. If we're not making enough money we can blame it on the glass ceiling.
130. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking
a group shower.
131. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the male's Speedo.
132. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
133. We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
134. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
135. We can congratulate our teammate without ever grabbing her ass.
136. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
137. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates
are still there.
138. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
139. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
140. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach
in our teeth.
141. We know that there are times when chocolate really can solve all of
your problems.
142. Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
143. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
144. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
145. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture
them naked.
Top 75 reasons why women should not have freedom of speech:
1. She doesn't need to talk to get me a beer.
2. If she's in the kitchen like she should be, no one can hear
her anyway.
3. If she can talk, all she'll do is complain.
4. Because she won't say "I will" instead of "I do."
5. No man wants to hear "first down" during a basketball game.
6. Because PMS is no excuse for whining.
7. No man needs or wants to hear the word "period" unless it has
to do with hockey.
8. Women created tampon and yeast infection commercials during
football.
9. Affirmative action.
10. When men whistle at them in the street, they should just shut
up and obey anyway.
11. If my dick's in her mouth, she can't talk anyway.
12. Oprah.
13. Feminists.
14. Because that stupid look on her face should not be accompanied
by an equally stupid statement.
15. The 2nd and 19th amendments.
16. I don't want to be made to lie and say "I love you" after sex.
17. Highway fatalities would decrease by over 90%.
18. When I sneak out at four in the morning, I don't want to hear
anybody calling me back.
19. "No, I will NOT buy you tampons while I'm at the store"
20. This is my dick. I'm gonna fuck you. No more stupid questions.
21. Don't waste your breath, I won't respect you in the morning.
22. Women sportscasters.
23. Women congressman.
24. God forbid, a woman president. (Oops, my bad -- see #66)
25. Marge Schott.
26. Stupid says as stupid does (and is).
27. Dikes (unless I can jump in the middle).
28. Where does speaking come into "barefoot and pregnant?"
29. Yes that toilet seat was yellow in the first place.
30. TLC and Salt-N-Pepa.
31. I could give a shit if you're pregnant.
32. I don't care if you're in labor. For the love of god,
let me sleep.
33. Women caused the 18th amendment.
34. The life expectancy of the average male goes down with every
bitchy word.
35. Female drunks are annoying unless they put out (for which
they dont need to talk)
36. We're tired of their "We can't pee standing up" shit.
37. That damn apple.
38. If she can't speak, she can't cry rape.
39. Of course, if she can't speak, she can't say no.
40. Rosanne. Nuff said.
41. Suzanne Powter. Too much said.
42. Honestly, do they really have anything useful to say?
43. Only one set of lips should be moving at a time.
44. If she can't talk, she can't bitch when I forget important dates.
45. There are no speaking parts in pornos anyway.
46. When she talks she's not drinking, it's hard to get her drunk
when she talking.
47. Nothing should come out a womans mouth, SWALLOW BITCH!
48. The Mute button only works on the TV.
49. Whores get payed by the hour not by the word.
50. Helen Keller was the ultimate woman.
51. Equality is for math.
52. The credit card bill speaks for itself.
53. If it hurts, I don't wanna hear it.
54. Marcia Clark.
55. Chick-flicks.
56. You don't see Victoria's Secret models talking, do you?
57. Janet, Mariah, and Whitney.
58. Michael Jackson.
59. Silence and sex make a great combination.
60. N.O.W.? NO. NOW BITCH? YES.
61. Intelligent car conversation? Hell no. Her head should
never be above the dashboard.
62. That annoying fat bitch from Snapple.
63. Your mouth is useful in so many other ways.
64. High phone bills really suck.
65. Women should be seen and not heard.
66. Do you think it was BILL Clinton who fucked up the country?
67. If I want romance, I'll turn on Playboy(hopefully not her).
68. Because they're not men.
69. 69, finally a use for both lips at the same time.
70. If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it.
71. Hell, if I wanted your opinion, I'd give it to you.
72. "Where've you been?" Who the fuck are you, my mother?
73. Women on radio? you can't see them, do you really want to
hear them?
74. Unless the words are "Doctor, can you make these bigger?,"
shut the fuck up.
75. Big breasts should speak for themselves.
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