Did you hear that they have discovered a food that is proven to reduce
the sex drive of a woman by at least 90%?
Wedding cake
The trouble with being best man at a wedding is that you never get
a chance to prove it.
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
After the wedding ceremony was over, a little girl asked her
mother why the bride changed her mind.
"What do you mean?" responded her mother.
"Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back
with another."
A wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet, but it
does an equally good job of stopping the circulation.
How do you know when you're at a hillbilly wedding?
Everyone is sitting on the same side of the church.
Soon after their wedding, the bride tells the groom,
"Darling, now that we are married, I want you to fire
your secretary."
"But honey," says the groom, "you used to be a
secretary yourself."
"Yes," she replies, "that's why I want you to fire her."
Cleona and her son, attending a wedding, were asked by
the usher if they were on the groom's side or the bride's
side. Her son was shocked.
"Are they taking sides already?"
"You will always remember this day as the happiest day
of your life"
"But the Wedding is not until tomorrow dad"
"I know, son"
Why does a woman smile so much on her wedding day?
She know she'll never have to give another blowjob!
The marriage ceremony was being held at the nudist colony.
The minister asked the bride, "Do you take this man?"
The bride-to-be said, "Well, if I had a choice, there's a
guy in the second row..."
The father cried as the twin daughters selected costly
wedding gowns. His wife said, "Honey, don't be sad."
The husband replied, "Darling, I don't mind giving them
away in marriage, but must they be so expensively gift-wrapped?"
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the
pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding
vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise
to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be
faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just
leave that part out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom
have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are
exchanged.
When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks
the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to
prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish,
serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear
eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not
ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall
live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny
voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought
we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered
back, "She made me a much better offer."
A bride who got a little too drunk at her wedding reception
was still determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests
for all their presents. She stumbled through a short speech and
then slowly turned to point to the presents on display, which
included a coffee perculator.
"And finally" she said "I do thank my new parents-in-law for
giving us such a beautiful perky copulator"
When Jenny was a young girl, she attended a wedding for the
first time. She asked her mother, "Mummy, how come the bride
is dressed in white?"
Her mother replied, "Because white is a happy colour, and
today is the happiest day of her life."
Jenny thought about this for a moment and then asked, "Then
how come the groom is dressed in black?"
A carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were discussing
what the best joke would be to play on their best friend,
who had getting married. The carpenter said that he would
cut the bedframe so that it collapsed the moment the marital
activites got into full swing. The electrician said that he
would wire the bed with electric shocks. The dentist just
grinned and said he had something up his sleeve.
Well, the day after the wedding came, and the three friends
received a note. It read:
"Dear friends,
I didn't mind the bed collapsing, and the electric shocks
were only a minor discomfort, but so help me God I'm going
to kill the bastard who put the Novocaine in the KY jelly."
Louise lost her husband several years ago and recently
developed a friendship with a man who had also lost his
spouse. They were a perfect match, and all their children
agreed they should get married. While the couple was
excited about the upcoming nuptials, they didn't need
more crystal vases, mixers, toaster ovens, etc.
Therefore, they decided the wedding invitation would
read as follows:
Greg, Larry, Katlin, Roberta,
Timothy, Paul, and Andrew
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their Mother and Father.
Because they are combining two households,
they already have at least two of everything.
So please, NO presents...just your good wishes
for their happiness!
*Reception and garage sale immediately
following the ceremony.
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women
can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.
"How did you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add
it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse,
four richer, four poorer.' "
In the mid-1990's Chiu Chiu-kuei designed, and her fiance
Lee Wong-tsong built, a bathroom for a public park in the
city of Taichung, Taiwan. According to news reports, "The
couple said the lavatory, complete with elaborate decoration,
had cost about $1 million to build." Chiu explained, "Since
the bathroom is the creation of me and my husband it is very
meaningful to us and therefore we decided to have our ceremony
in here."
What wasn't explained is why seven other couples joined them,
making it the largest group wedding ever performed in a lavatory.
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down
the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd
(alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing
the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it
went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the
aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so
hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however,
was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and
was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffled and said,
"I was being the Ring Bear."
In five days, I'm going to be getting married for the first
time. My fiancee and I agreed a long time ago that we wanted
to write our own wedding vows, and as a spur-of-the-moment idea,
I suggested the following. To my disappointment, she didn't
quite go for it....
Pastor: Will you answer me right now
These questions, as your wedding vow?
Groom: Yes, I will answer right now
Your questions as my wedding vow.
Pastor: Will you take her as your wife?
Will you love her all your life?
Groom: Yes, I take her as my wife,
Yes, I'll love her all my life.
Pastor: Will you have, and also hold
Just as you have at this time told?
Groom: Yes, I will have, and I will hold,
Just as I have at this time told,
Yes, I will love her all my life
As I now take her as my wife.
Pastor: Will you love through good and bad?
Whether you're happy or sad?
Groom: Yes, I'll love through good and bad,
Whether we're happy or sad,
Yes, I will have and I will hold
Just as I have already told,
Yes, I will love her all my life,
Yes, I will take her as my wife!
Pastor: Will you love her if you're rich?
Or if you're poor, and in a ditch?
Groom: Yes, I'll love her if we're rich,
And I will love her in a ditch,
I'll love her through good times and bad,
Whether we are happy or sad,
Yes, I will have, and I will hold
(I could have sworn this has been told!)
I promise to love all my life
This woman, as my lawful wife!
Pastor: Will you love her when you're fit,
And also when you're feeling sick?
Groom: Yes, I'll love her when we're fit,
And when we're hurt, and when we're sick,
And I will love her when we're rich
And I will love her in a ditch
And I will love through good and bad,
And I will love when glad or sad,
And I will have, and I will hold
Ten years from now a thousandfold,
Yes, I will love for my whole life
This lovely woman as my wife!
Pastor: Will you love with all your heart?
Will you love till death you part?
Groom: Yes, I'll love with all my heart
From now until death do us part,
And I will love her when we're rich,
And when we're broke and in a ditch,
And when we're fit, and when we're sick,
(Oh, CAN'T we get this finished quick?)
And I will love through good and bad,
And I will love when glad or sad,
And I will have, and I will hold,
And if I might now be so bold,
I'll love her my entire life,
Yes, I WILL take her as my wife!
Pastor: Then if you'll take her as your wife,
And if you'll love her all your life,
And if you'll have, and if you'll hold,
From now until the stars grow cold,
And if you'll love through good and bad,
And whether you're happy or sad,
And love in sickness, and in health,
And when you're poor, and when in wealth,
And if you'll love with all your heart,
From now until death do you part,
Yes, if you'll love her through and through,
Please answer with these words:
Pastor and Groom: I DO!
Pastor: You're married now! So kiss the bride,
But please, do keep it dignified.
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his
mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows
the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion,
"Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son,
all household appliances come in white."
Australian Wedding at a sheep farm, big old marquis in the
yard and the groom goes up to the bride's father and says,
"Sorry cobber, the wedding's off. You've run out of beer and
some joker's upstairs screwing the bride".
A few minutes later he returns saying, "It's ok, blue, the
wedding's back on. Someone's turned up with aanother keg and
the bloke who was screwing the bride's apologized!!"
Wedding Telegrams
Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and
may I express an appreciation of your determination to end
the desperation and frustration which has caused you so
much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make
a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.
The Bureau of Meteorology forcasts rainstorms so the bride
can expect a few good inches overnight.
Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch instalments.
"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you
never get to prove it."
Confucious say man who sink into womans arms soon have arms
in womans sink.
Sorry I cannot be at Wedding... Please send me a photo of
Bride and Groom Mounted.
Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over
gently and She'll last for many years.
Dont keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his
bone to the woman next door.
Treat him like a flower... grab him by the stalk.
If you don't want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air.
Go for it mate. We all did!
All the best from Mr and Mrs Farkin and all the Farkin kids.
She offered her honour, He honoured her offer, and all night
he was on her and off her.
Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will
be an Off-Spring next Spring.
Hope you honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber
Pass, One long hard route.
Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whisky makes
you Frisky, but its a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes
you Pregnant.
Travel Agency to Bride:
The grooms face leaves at midnight. Be on it.
Football coach to bride:
If you've tried him in 18 positions and he's still no good,
pull him off.
Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.
Ways to Make Your Wedding More Memorable
Have the entire wedding party wear Smurf hats.
Have a Terminator endoskeleton standing in the best man
position (or officiating the ceremony.)
Instead of letting someone catch the bouquet (or garter),
hand out AK-47's at the door and have a skeet shoot.
Have the groom wear a Viking-style horned helmet.
Have the bridal gown made out of vinyl. Skintight, preferably.
Insist that everyone come to the wedding dressed like a Disney
character. Have the minister/priest/rabbi (etc.) dress up like
King Triton from the Little Mermaid.
Forget that boring old priest/rabbi/minister! Have Billy West
from ZZ Top perform the marriage. Get him to braid his beard.
When families with small children arrive, ask if you can
sacrifice the child in lieu of a gift. Have an altar all
ready (with sacrificial knife, black candles, etc). Act
crestfallen if they refuse.
Instead of bow ties and tuxes, have the ushers wear ball
pythons around their necks and tiger-skin loincloths.
If any will go for a lip disk, great.
Release a wolf at the reception. Tell people, "Oh, he won't
bite, just push him away if he begs." Act like everything
is perfectly normal. If someone asks you to remove the wolf,
act distressed and say, "But I just couldn't DO that to Uncle
Ernie!"
During the weeks before Amy's wedding, she was terribly
anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The
minister reassured her several times, pointing out that
the service was not difficult and she will do just fine.
"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you
enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and
best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall
request the congregation to sing a HYMN....then we shall
get on with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the
order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong."
The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited
nervously for his bride to appear. When she arrived and
stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to
herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn."
Or, as it sounded to him, "I'll alter him!"
If Men Planned Weddings...
There would be less "Oh Promise Me" and "Endless Love" and
more "Louie,Louie" and "Mony Mony".
There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" Party
Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter
tops, have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.
Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes
would have matching team colors.
June Weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.
Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically but for him
omit the "forsaking all others" and "obey" parts.
The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger
or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the
side of the car. (Better yet, a Harley!)
Idiots that tried to dance with the Bride (unless they were
really old) would get punched in the head.
Big slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man".
There would be "Tailgate Receptions".
Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at
half-time or between innings.
Ceremonies would be short and Honeymoons would be long.
Ceremonies and Honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the
cost of the Bachelor Party. Those strippers and that liquor
sure do add up. Men wouldn't ask...."Well, what do you think,
Dear, The Burgundy or the Wine colored napkins?" They'd just
grab extras from their local pub or tavern.
Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink
passes at the local lounge.
The brides dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form
fitted to her ass.
Instead of a sit down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog
roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.
No one would bother with that "Veil Routine". But they would
insist the garter be as high up on her leg as it would go.
The bridal bouquet could be recycled from a previous funeral
or something.
Invitations would read as follows.......
Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain...
He's getting married.
He either:
A.) knocked her up,
B.) couldn't get a different roommate, or
C.) caved in to her ultimatium.
Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him for
the rest of his life at Soldier Field Stadium On the 50 Yard
Line at Half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at the
MoonLight Lounge after the game For Beer, Nacho's and Pizza.
Oh Yeah... B.Y.O.B.
NINETEEN WAYS TO BE OFFENSIVE AT A WEDDING
Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.
Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching
the bouquet.
Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex
with a dog.
Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex
change operation.
Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is
that you used to be a proctologist.
Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift
certificate for a drug rehab. clinic.
As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.
Ask the bride's mother to give you a hand job.
Give the bride some Bianca, and tell her it kills the
taste of sperm.
Propose a toast to the bride's nose job.
Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who
they came from.
Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.
After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting,
"Throw your bra, throw your bra..."
Tell everyone that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep
him from backing out.
Tell the rabbi that there's no money to pay him, and ask if
he'll settle for stupping the bride.
Assure the bride's mother that the groom is "hung like a horse."
Return a bra which the bride left in your car.
If there's a hunchback at a Jewish wedding tell him that he has
to wear one yarmulke on his head and another on his hump.
When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out
of the way and start playing, "The Lady is a Tramp."
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have
killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful.
Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs
in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most
dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what
lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row,
please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
You know that you are going to have good time
on your wedding night if:
You walk into the bridal suite and trip over a case of condoms.
You sit on your husband's lap, then realize he is standing up.
Your husband asks if you want to play a "get acquainted" game
called "The Convict and the Milk Maid."
You get a beautiful silk nightgown with fur around the hem.
The note in the box says, "To keep your neck warm"
You discover that someone has added a pair of knee pads
to your trousseau.
You ask your husband why he is taking so much time in the
bathroom, and he says, "Because I'm doing my tongue exercises."
Two rough men appear at your bridal suite door carrying a glass
slipper, a case of champagne, a tub of whipped cream, a large box
marked "Danger Nuclear Vibrator", and six months of back copies of
the magazine "German shepherd love"
You ask your husband why he is carrying a salami in his pajamas,
and he says, "Salami? What salami?"
Kravets and his Mrs. were stuck. They'd just received an
invitation to a very high-class wedding but couldn't figure
out the meaning of the abbreviation RSVP.
"If only our son, the college grad, was here, he'd know,"
sighed Mrs. Kravets as she kissed her husband good-bye.
She pondered the problem all day and finally in a moment of
triumph called Kravets at the shop.
"Darling, I've figured it out," she shrieked. "RSVP means
Remember Send Vedding Present."
We all know former president Jimmy Carter's commitment to
marriage. Frank S. Mead tells about a memo he is said to have
sent to his aides suggesting that any who were "living in sin"
should become formally attached. Even he, however, had some
fun with the wedding vows. When his former speech writer,
Rick Hertzberg, married Michele Slung, Mr. Carter edited the
vows in the marriage service as if it were a speech Hertzberg
had written.
For example, Carter circled, "till death do us part" and wrote,
"Too morbid--do you want to alienate every sick person in America?"
When he got to, "I, Rick, take you, Michele, to be my lawful wedded
wife," the former President deleted "wife" and inserted "partner,"
warning, "Do not use sexist expressions." Next to "For better, for
worse, for richer, for poorer," Carter wrote, "Polarizing -- how
about the middle ground?"
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their
wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or
a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate
route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his
pants legs to keep his trousers dry.
When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into
the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.
"Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor.
"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded.
"I think I would prefer the traditional service."
After the sermon was over, one member of the congregation had
lingered after the other members had shook hands with the minister
on their way out. The minister recognized the young man as one
whom he had married a couple of months before.
As the young man shook hands with the minister, he asked,
"Reverend, do you believe someone should profit from the mistakes
of others?"
"Certainly not," replied the preacher.
"Well...in that case...could I have the $50 back that I gave
you for marrying me?"
Here comes the bride,
short, coarse, and wide,
wearing a dress that
looks like a hide.
Here comes the groom,
stiff as a broom.
If he collapses
give him some room.
Here comes the priest,
breath smells like yeast.
He'll say a prayer for
the newly deceased.
Bring out the ring.
Not worth a thing.
Cubic Zirconia
are on sale in spring.
Now you may kiss.
Try not to miss.
Thank God it's over,
now we can go p*ss.
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