25 Snappy Comebacks to the age old question...
"Why aren't you married yet?"
1. You haven't asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. What? And spoil my great sex life?
4. Nobody would believe me in white.
5. Because I just love hearing this question.
6. Just lucky, I guess.
7. It gives my mother something to live for.
8. My fiance is awaiting parole.
9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo
doll rituals.
20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
21. We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.
22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
23. Why aren't you thin?
24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering
a trial separation.
25. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child
would be redundant.
Bachelors Defined:
1. One Who Never Makes The Same Mistake Once.
2. One Who's Footloose And Fiance Free.
3. One Who Never Mrs. A Girl.
4. One Who Avoids Bride-Eyed Women.
5. One Who Believes In Life, Liberty And The Happiness Of Pursuit.
6. One Who Believes In Wine, Women And So-Long.
7. One Who Believes That One Can Live As Cheaply As Two.
8. One Who Can Forget His Mistakes.
9. One Who Can Get Into Bed From Either Side.
10. One Who Can Go Fishing Anytime, Until He Gets Hooked.
11. One Who Can Have A Girl On His Knee Without Having Her On His Hands.
12. One Who Can Leave His Socks And Wallet Lying Around The House.
13. One Who Can Tell His Symptoms To His Doctor Without Having His
Wife Interrupt.
14. One Who Can't Be Spouse-Broken.
15. One Who Can't Stand The Strain Of A Wife.
16. One Who Cheated Some Woman Out Of A Divorce.
17. One Who Doesn't Have To Leave The Party When He Starts Having A
Good Time.
18. One Who Failed To Embrace His Opportunities.
19. One Who Is A Free Male.
20. One Who Is Allergic To Wedding Cakes.
21. One Who Is Foot-Loose And Family-Free.
22. One Who Is Known As A Dame Dropper.
23. One Who Is Not Missing Anything In Life Except A Few Buttons On
His Shirt.
24. One Who Knows All The Ankles.
25. One Who Knows How To Hold A Woman's Hand So That She Doesn't Get
A Grip On Him.
26. One Who Knows If He Has A Steady Girl On The String He May Wind
Up On A Leash.
27. One Who Knows More About Women Than Men. That's Why He Is A
Bachelor.
28. One Who Leans Toward A Woman But Not Far Enough To Fall.
29. One Who Likes His Girl Friend Just The Way She Is...Single!!!!
30. One Who Looks, But Does Not Leap.
31. One Who Never Chases A Woman He Couldn't Outrun.
32. One Who Never Knows Whom The Next Kiss Is Coming From.
33. One Who Never Makes The Same Mistake Once.
34. One Who Never Met A Girl He Couldn't Live Without.
35. One Who Never Mrs. Anything.
36. One Who Never Says, "I'll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!"
37. One Who Plays The Game Of Love And Manages To Retain His Amateur
Outstanding.
38. One Who Prefers Ripe Tomatoes With Little Dressing.
39. One Who Thinks He Is A Thing Of Beauty And A Boy Forever.
40. One Who Travels Fastest In A Parked Car.
41. One Who Tries To Avoid The Issue.
42. One Who Usually Has His Hands Full Trying To Loosen A Woman's
Grip.
43. One Who Wakes Up In The Morning With All Of The Blankets.
44. One Who Washes Only One Set Of Dishes.
45. One Who When A Girl Asks Him For A Diamond Ring, He Turns
Stone-Deaf.
46. One Who When He Opens The Window In His Apartment, More Dust
Blows Out Than In.
47. One Who Would Rather Mend His Socks Than His Ways.
48. One Who Won't Take `Yes' For An Answer.
49. One Who Would Rather Change Girls Than Change Their Names.
50. One Who Would Rather Cook His Own Goose.
51. One Who Would Rather Have A Woman On His Mind Than On His Neck.
52. He has a good head on his shoulders...a different one each
night.
53. It's hard for a girl to say no to him. He keeps holding her for
further questioning.
54. He's a guy with no wife expectancy
How to be a Bachelor
by Dino Londis
A Brief History
Certainly you are familiar with the term "caveman." Have you noticed
there is no corresponding, "cavewoman?" That's because women never
lived in caves. They've always had their own apartments.
Long ago, cavemen drew on walls to record the history of their hunt,
and their family. Today we draw on the walls to record phone numbers.
In the middle ages, there were no bachelors, only monks. They had no
furniture, only one set of clothing, and still their place was a mess.
It's just the nature of men.
The Stereotype
I live in a one-room bachelor -- that's a room with a kitchen. At
least I think I still have a kitchen. I don't go in there much any
more. Last month I was in there but something in the sink told me to
leave. The carpet is a burnt orange. It was a bright orange until the
fire. I'm currently installing new carpeting made up mostly of my
unwashed laundry strewn about thoughtlessly.
By Definition
The American Heritage Dictionary defines "bachelor" as an unmarried
man. It defines bachelorette as an apartment with a small kitchen.
You'll find "bachelor" in the dictionary right after "Bacchus."
Bacchus is the Roman God of wine. You make the connection. I'm getting
another glass of Chablis.
The Real Thing
Okay, I'm back. Here's a tip for you gals. I'm a little tipsy, so
bear with me. If a guy's place is really neat on your first visit, he
likes you. He likes you but he's a phony. He's leading a double life and
is lying to you. Trust me, he's a slob and he's not letting on. Now, if
the place is a mess, a real mess, with food encrusted on the walls,
and hair on the toilet, he's a winner. If it's neat on your second
visit, get out. He's gay. Here's another tip. Check the oven. If it's
clean, he only eats out. If it's filthy with chicken drippings, he
tried cooking once and now he only eats out. And if there's laundry in
it, you've probably paid him a surprise visit.
What's it like to be a bachelor? It's doing all your major shopping
at the liquor store. It's buying all your fruit in Pop Tarts. It's
taking a mouth full of cereal and pouring the milk after, that way it
remains crispy and you've saved on washing a bowl and spoon. And it's
paying all the bills on the last day. A true bachelor lives alone. A
bachelor does not live with women. I had a woman stay with me for a
while. I don't quite know when she left. It was sometime around when
all the food in my refrigerator expired.
What "Dirty" Really Means
That knife encrusted with Entamines Fat Free cake isn't dirty. The
magazine next to your toilet is. The shirt you wore three times in a
month isn't dirty. Why? No stains. If it smells, put a sweatshirt over
it. Simple.
Do I clean my toilet? No, that's where I shit. If I ate there, I'd
understand the urgency. It's only time to clean the bathroom if you'd
prefer to go to the Mobil station on the corner. I have moved, rather
than clean my place. Don't clean, there'll be plenty of time for that
when you're married.
Cleanliness
Roaches. It's said they're going to inherit the earth. Why not
start with your apartment. Hey, once you get past the myth that they
are unsanitary, they become friends. I've named mine. There's Liz
and Peter, Michelle and Allen and many many more. I have grown to
love them all, but one by one they've all left for health reasons.
The nuts and bolts of bachelorhood is creativity. When you run out
of dishes, pots, pans, and utensils, you can either wash them, or
improvise. Improvisation is a bachelor art. It's straining spaghetti
with a tennis racket. It's a lighting scheme made up of one light bulb
and a sock.
Bachelors and the Environment
Bachelors are environmentally conscious by default. It's really
amazing how neglect has benefited mother nature. I wonder how many
extra salmon can swim upstream because I only flush once in awhile.
Sometimes I wonder how many underprivileged inner-city children get
an extra sip of water because I've never tapped the water table by
washing a dish. Some days I sit back and enjoy the notion of an extra
inch or two of skyline I've preserved at the city dump by never once
throwing out my garbage. Trust me, it's a warm feeling.
Oh, and we save a lot of electricity. I never leave the lights on. I
only have the one bulb now. I unscrew it and rescrew it into the room
where I am.
Dining
We eat out a lot. Mostly Taco Bell. Do I clean? Of course I clean.
The first thing I clean out is the seat cushions. When I hit 59 cents I
run for the border. And if I'm lucky, I'll find an old cup back there
so I can get that free Pepsi refill.
Laundry
I can't tell you where I did my laundry. The guy promised me never to
come back. I've washed a lot of shirts in the sink and dried them over
the gas stove. I don't know, it really makes me feel in touch with
some ancestral roots.
The Reality
Are all men like this? No. Are there men who keep their apartments
clean? Yes, but I don't get along with them. You clean for one reason.
And that's if a woman is coming over. A new woman that is. A woman who
knows you awhile also knows you are a slob, so why clean. She's gonna
do it for you anyway. As she cleans, help her out by lowering the
volume on the TV.
I once heard a news broadcaster say, "You know your apartment is a
mess when you spend more than half an hour looking for the remote."
Hey, I've spent twice that time looking for the TV.
Dating
What kind of woman do these habits attract? Not the kind of woman
I want to date. That's for damn sure. Besides, I've given up dating.
They say that when you have sex with someone, you're having sex with
every person that they've ever had sex with. I have a corresponding
theory: when you date someone, you are dating everyone she's ever
dated. You can tell how much she's dated by how much baggage she
brings into the relationship. If we can't eat at a certain restaurant
because that's where her X beat her, it's time to get out. I can't
beat women. It's not my style. It's not in me. I can't even beat them
in tennis.
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