Gender Rules

Gender Rules



WOMEN'S RULES FOR MEN!

1.  The Female always makes the rules!

2.  The rules are subject to change at any time without 
    prior notification!

3.  No Male can possibly know ALL the rules!

4.  If the Female suspects the Male knows all the Rules, 
    she must immediately change some or all of the Rules!

5.  The Female is NEVER wrong!

6.  If the Female is wrong, it is because of flagrant 
    misunderstanding which was a direct result of something 
    the Male did or said wrong!

7.  If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately 
    for causing the misunderstanding!

8.  The Female can change her mind at any given point in time!

9.  The Male must never change his mind without express written
    consent from the Female!

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time!

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female 
    wants him to be angry or upset!

12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know 
    whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset!

13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm!

14. If the Female has PMS, ALL RULES ARE NULL AND VOID!



MEN'S RULES FOR WOMEN!

1)  The male creates ALL the rules.

2)  These rules are just like driving.  No female will EVER
    master them.

3)  If the male suspects the female knows some of the rules, 
    just agree with her and laugh it off (she doesn't have a clue).

4)  The male is ALWAYS King.

5)  When watching television, the male ALWAYS controls the remote.

6)  When driving on trips, the male is allowed to take any short 
    cuts without getting permission, or asking directions.

7)  While watching sports, the male is not to be interrupted
    unless there is FOOD or BEER involved.

8)  Whenever the male changes clothes, where they fall is where
    they belong

9)  When the male has a day off there are no other rules.

10) The female will never truly understand male bonding.

11) It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on 
    the toilet UP when you are done.

12) If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to
    include something from each of the four major male food 
    groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.

13) Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.

14) Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of 
    the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not 
    all men are cretins deserving your contempt.

15)  Shopping is not fascinating.

16)  When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, 
     he is only joking.

17)  Unless the answer is yes.

18)  In which case, can he videotape it?

19). If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking
     assholes.

20) The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a 
    stick and/or tending the grill.

21) Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from 
    across the  room is not funny.

22) Money does not equate love.  Not even in Nevada.

23) Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble 
    (ie: Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should 
    be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might 
    shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.

24) Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay.  Accept it.

25) He heard you the first time.

26) You know, YOU can ask HIM out too...Let's spread the rejection
    around a little.

27) If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really
    want the answer to.

28) Of COURSE he wants another beer.

29) The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.

30) Dogs good.  Cats bad.

31) Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.

32) If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to 
    sit through "Showgirls".

33) "Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument.

34)  Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by
     suggesting he stop for directions.

35) He was NOT looking at that other girl.

36) Well, okay...  maybe a little.

37) Okay, so what!  He was looking at her.  Big deal.  Like you've
    never looked at another guy...

38) There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "cunt".

39) He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful
    man you have ever met.

40) And all your friends think so too.  Especially the cute ones.

41) Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs 
    look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good.
    Stop asking.

42) If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an
    orgasm.

43) It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual
    flow with him.

44) Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if
    left in the shower.

45) Two words:  blow job.  Learn it.  Live it.  Love it.

46) Dirty laundry comes in several categories:  Looks fine/smells
    fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine.  Unless
    you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized 
    in this manner.

47) Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford  is prettier
    than you.  Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves 
    is better looking  than him. But since neither one of you is 
    going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.

48) Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy 
    of them all.

49) His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer
    gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.

50) Don't hog the covers.

51) Watching football is a major turn-on for you.  But please wait
    until the halftime show to act upon that...

52) He does not just want to be friends.

53) A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the
    sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner
    and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"
54) Don't demand a precise time when he'll call.
55) Bitching is not sexy.
56) Ditto for nagging.
57) If you're always right, stop asking his opinion.
58) Two words: Turn Signal.
59) An "I don't know, what do you want to do?" is not an acceptable   
    answer to every question.
60) Never bring home a cat as a surprise.
61) Televised sports are more important than stories about your friends.
62) Despite what you think, sometimes he is happier left alone.
63) Believe it or not, he could care less how he looks when he's drunk.
64) If you don't love him, keep having sex with him as long as you are
    spending his money.
65) "No" means no, and "Yes" means yes.  Silence means he can't get
    a word in edgewise.



85 RULES AND INSTRUCTIONS ON BEING A MAN

1.  Don't call.  EVER.
2.  If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let
    her figure it out by herself.
3.  Lie.
4.  Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and
    unoriginal, such as "spike"
5.  If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them
    you mailed it to them/already gave it to them.
6.  Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.
7.  Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a
    grunt will do.
8.  Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it
    isn't your fault.
9.  Lie.
10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
11. Never ask for help.  Even if you really, really need help ---
    don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
12. Women like it when you ignore them.  It arouses them.
13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only
    monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
14. TWO WORDS:  Hack and spit.  (Big loogies means a big penis)
15. Everyone considers a man more important if he can write his name
    in urine.
16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best
    friend.  She will then see what she's missing and love you for not
    giving up on her.
17. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
18. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend
    picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
19. Lie.
20. Deny everything. Everything.
21. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her.
    Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush on you.
    (Probably all of them --- you're a man remember?) They really
    want to know.
22. Don't have a clue.
23. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
24. No means yes.
25. Yes means no.
26. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel.
    You may get sick or even die.  This is one of the most important
    rules.
27. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and
    locations.
28. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often
    signifies the end of a relationship.
29. Feelings?  What feelings?
30. Life is one big competition.  If someone is better than you at
    something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass.
31. Lie I tell you!!
32. DO NOT make decisions about relationships.  If you are backed
    into a corner and must make a decision, stall.  If you still
    must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for
    escape.  Example:
    Question:  "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic
    dinner?"
    Answer:  "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce
    each day."
33. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual
    meaning.  TWIST.
34. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various
    genitalia.  (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make
    a replica of your penis.  Exaggerate the dimensions by 25%).
35. Lie.
36. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even THINK about saying it.
37. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you
    completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
38. Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss
    her again.  Repeat cycle.
39. Lie.
40. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.
41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
42. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial
    things. You know, like your girlfriend's birthday and eye color.
43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
44. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
45. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.
46. Lie.
47. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people
    you don't know.
48. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with
    people you don't know.
49. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing,
    DON'T STOP!  This is the desired reaction.
50. You are NOT a virgin.  Ever.  Males are born without virginity.
51. You are male, therefore you are superior.
52. Agenda for a typical evening:  Get beer.  Drink beer.  Play with
    yourself. Have sex.  Drink more beer.  Pass out.
53. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to
    please you.
54. Don't ever notice anything.
55. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't
    say anything.  Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in
    love with YOU, and then tell her.
56. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
58. Lie.
59. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically
    you've done nothing wrong.
60. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you
    have to cry about, anyway.
61. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
62. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
63. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
64. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so."  If you hear this
    phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
65. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until
    a parking spot right near the door opens up.  If this takes
    hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and
    others will worship your skills.
66. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement.  Laugh long,
    laugh loud, laugh heartily.
67. Lie.
68. If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard
    it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've
    done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
69. 69
70. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to
    talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk
    to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
71. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak
    to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at
    me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
72. Lie.
73. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell
    the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
74. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave for a
    few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled
    on the bed.  Leave, and go into her dad's room and tell him he
    should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true
    story.)
75. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone
    else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the
    one who wanted to end the relationship.
76. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls
    on top.
77. Default facial expression:  blank stare.
78. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your
    butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out
    of your ass.
79. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do,
    first try your manly best to get out of it.  If that doesn't work,
    go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you
    don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to
    do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET,
    finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and
    then say, "SEE??  I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people
    will stop asking you to do things.
80. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or
    Oldies.
81. Beer.  Then more beer.
82. One word:  FOOTBALL!
83. Real men beat up others who are inferior.  I mean, we don't want
    the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
84. Discuss your pecs at every opportunity.
85. LIE.
86. It essential to maintain control of the T.V. remote at all times
    since doing so implies control over one's life and the lives of 
    every woman you've ever met or ever wanted to meet.  When your 
    girlfriend complains about not being able to keep up with your 
    channel flicking, tell her that men are not interested in what 
    is on T.V., but rather what else is on T.V
87. Men always have two orgasms.  One with the woman, and then one 
    when you're telling your friends about it.



One for the Chauvanists...

Simple Rules Chicks Don't Know

1. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat - if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Don't make us guess.
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect 
   an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. We're never thinking about "The Relationship."
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just 
   like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing 
    of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect 
    us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and 
    your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, we doesn't know what day it is. We never will. Mark 
    anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Share the bathroom.
20. Share the closet.
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. 
    All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect 
    us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the 
    ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how 
    pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it 
    done - not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
    commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right 
    to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the 
    off-ramp, you saying, "This is our exit," is strictly not necessary.
39. Nothing says 'I love you' quite like a blowjob in the morning.

 


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