Pickup Line Jokes

Pickup Lines

How Dating Started
After the early feminists movement rebelled against
men's clubs, (and dragging by the hair) males had to
begin to meet the women's demands for personnal hygiene,
grooming and providing of gifts such as food, shelter
and fur coats. Life for males hasn't been the same since.

While men must resort to trying to think up clever new
pick up lines to impress the opposite sex there are very
few needed by women.

The Only Pickup lines Women Need
  1)  Hi, I'm (insert name here)
  2)  Hello I'm (insert name here)
  3)  Hi, my name is (insert name here)
  4)  Hello, my name is (insert name here)
  5)  Look near him
  6)  Look at him
  7)  Don't look at him
  8)  Cry
  9)  Smile at him
  10) Ignore him
  11) Let him buy you a drink
  12) Have cleavage

Whereas we guys have had to put a lot of effort
into it, the female chromesoned among us can
shop for what's on sale.

So we guys resorted to various pickup lines
ourselves. Below are Man's earliest attempts
to impress women...

Medieval Pickup Lines
1. I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the 
   key to my heart.
2. Can I hose down your doublet?
3. Your eyes are as dark as a castle moat by midnight. Lower 
   your drawbridge and let me cross.
4. You should be glad I'm not a Viking. You would have been 
   ravaged and plundered by now.
5. What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this?
6. Come up and see my scrolls.
7. You can scale my battlements any day, madam.
8. You scratch my boils and I'll scratch yours.
9. They don't call me Lancalot for nothing, you know.
10. My that's a fine set of chalices you have there.
11. Ssh, I don't want everyone to know I'm on a secret 
    holy quest.
12. When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't 
    the only thing they stretched. 

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women
(and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother.
   (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.')

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. 
   (You are one jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
   (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
   (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear 
   phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend.
   (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's)

5. I don't date men where I work.
   (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if  you were in the same 
    'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
   (It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
   (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better 
   than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. 
   (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends. 
   (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating 
   detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's 
   that male perspective thing)

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men
(and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a sister.
    (You're ugly.)

 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. 
    (You're ugly.)

 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
    (You're ugly.)

 7. My life is too complicated right now.
    (You're ugly.)

 6. I've got a girlfriend.
    (You're ugly.)

 5. I don't date women where I work.
    (You're ugly.)

 4. It's not you, it's me.
    (You're ugly.)

 3. I'm concentrating on my career.
    (You're ugly.)

 2. I'm celibate.
    (You're ugly.)

 1. Let's be friends.
    (You're sinfully ugly.)

Pick-Up Lines Used By Men Today

1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
2. Do you want to see something swell?
3. Drop 'em!
4. What do you like for breakfast?
5. Excuse me.  Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?
6. Say, did we go to different schools together?
7. Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk 
    about the first thing that pops up?
8. Wear a button that says: "Smile if you want to sleep with me."
9. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
10. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?
11. I'm not trying to pressure you, I don't want to have sex 
    without mutual consent; and bye the way, you have my consent.
12. I sure you didn't mean to turn me on with your big ass, but 
    it's too late now.
13. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge 
    to plant you right here!
14. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
15. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets 
    there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum."
16. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? HEY!  What's wrong, don't 
    you like pizza?
17. A women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?"
    You: "Do you have the energy?"
18. Bond. James Bond.
19. Hi I'm take a survey, do you spit or swallow?
20. You look like the type of girl that has heard ever line in 
    the book.  So what's one more?
21. Your place or mine?
22. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
23. Your face or MINE?
24. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it 
    against me?
25. When she asks, for a match. How about the hair on my head 
    and the hair between your legs?
26. Nice tits.  Mind if I feel them?
27. I think I'm falling in love with you. Now do you want to fuck.
28. Forget that!  Playing doctor is for kids!  Let's play gynecologist.
29. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I'll guess your weight.
30. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
31. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?
32. I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.
33. I would kill or die to make love to you.
34. Sex is a killer...want to die happy?
35. HI! Can I buy you a car?
36. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until
    the afternoon.
37. Fancy a fuck?
38. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.
39. Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?
40. I'm new in town.  Could you give me directions to your apartment?
41. I hope the word of the day is legs, because I would sure like to
    spread the word.
42. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?
43. I'm Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?
44. Was your father a thief?  'Cause someone stole the stars from 
    the sky and put them in your eyes.
45. Look at the tag in her shirt and say:
    "I want to see if you were really made in heaven."
46. I know who you are now, you sure look alot different with your 
    clothes on?
47. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
48. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
49. What's that on your face?  Oh, must just be beauty.  Here, let me get
    it off.  Hey, it's not coming off!
50. Was your dad king for a day?  He must have been to make a princess
    like you.
51. How was heaven when you left it?
52. Are you tired?  You should be because you've been running through my
    mind all night.
53. I wish I had the power to change the alphabet, so I could put U and I
54. Do you have a quarter?  My mom told me to call her when I found the
    girl of my dreams.
55. What's that in your eye?  Must just be a twinkle.
56. If there's a party's in your mouth, can I come?
57. Were you arrested earlier?  It's gotta be illegal to look that good.
58. Do you have a fever?  You look pretty hot from here.
59. Hey, I found some money!
60. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
61. You're a gold digger huh?  Well, I'm a clam digger.  Wanna see my
62. Come on, you can't get pregnant again.
63. I like your legs so much, I am going to name them.  This one is
    Christmas and this one is New Years.  Can I see you inbetween
    the holidays.
64. "Hi.  My name's ???.  You'll be screaming that later."
65. "Do you sleep on your stomach?  Can I?"
66. "What winks and fucks like a tiger?" (while winking.)
67. "That shirt is really becoming of you.  Of course, if I were on you, 
    I'd be coming, too."
68. If you are what you eat, then I'd like to be you.
69. "Excuse me, do you mind if I sexually harass you?
70. Pick-Up Line Used by William Shakespeare...
    "Do me, or not do me.  THAT is the question."
71. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
72. Would you be my love buffet?  So I can lay you out on the table 
    and take what I want?
73. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did
74. I'm having a little problem in English class. Perhaps you can
    help me straighten out my Longfellow.
75. My name's 'insert your name'.  That's so you know what to scream.
76. My name's 'insert your name', but you can call me "lover."
77. Can I flirt with you?
78. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice 
    set of buns.
79. Look at his/her shirt label.
    When they say, "What are you doing?", reply
    Checking to see if you were made in heaven.
    Checking to see if you're the right size.
80. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
81. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
82. Grab his/her tush.  Pardon me, is this seat taken?
83. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
84. Can I have directions?
    "To where?"
    To your heart.
85. Nice socks. Can I try them on after we have sex?
86. Do you know what'd look good on you?  Me.
87. I miss my teddy bear.  Would you sleep with me?
88. So...  How am I doin'?
89. Flick a little water on you both. How about you and 
    I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?
90. Tap your thigh
    You just think this is my leg.
91. Do you sleep on your stomach?
    Can I?
92. Do you know where your 'G' spot is?
      if YES....could you please show me for future reference???
      if No.....Would you like me to show you???
93. "That's a nice smile you've got - shame that not all you're
94. What nice legs you've got - I wouldn't mind wearing them as a belt
    or neck tie if you prefer
95. What do you like for breakfast?
96. Is that a double ended dilldo or are you just glad to see me?
97. Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
98. Excuse me. Do you wanna fuck or should I apologize?
99. Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate
    and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?
100. Wanna fuck like bunnies?
101. I had a friend who used to hand out calling cards which said:
     Smile if you want to sleep with me
     then watch the victim try to hold back her smile...
102. Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us
103. I had a friend give a card that on the front:
        1       2       3       4
                Pick a number
     and then on the back of the card it read:
                Sex maniacs always pick 3
     you wouldn't believe how many women pick 3. It was a great card.
104. You smell wet.  Let's Party.
105. The only reason I'd kick you out of bed would be to do you on the
106. "Hey Baby, I want to lick your thighs"
107. Approach girl and say, "Do you like jewels"
     Then lob your dick out and say, "here's a realgem"
108. Hey baby, let's go make some babies.
109. At the office copy machine:  
     Reproducing eh?  Can I help?
110. Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
111. Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick.
112. For a fat chick you sure have small tits.
113. You look more beautiful than Nurse Chapel
114. Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
115. I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!
116. Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud' and say:
     Hey charlie, see anyone here you recognize?
117. Hey, wanna see my R2-D2 impersonation?  (Think about it...)
118. Hey baby...infect me!
119. I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of
     interesting...Let's meet sometime...
120. I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look 
     pretty good.
121. The front reads:
|No Phone                No Business |
|                                    |
|                                    |
|                                    |
|                                    |
|                                    |
|             No Name                |
|                                    |
|                                    |
|                                    |
|                                    |
|                                    |
|No Address                 No Money |
And the back reads:
|       I'M A SILENT SEDUCER         |
|                                    |
|Any chance to crawl in the sack with|
|you tonight?                        |
|If so, just keep the card: If not,  |
|kindly return it because they are   |
|expensive.                          |
|                                    |
|I'm not as good as I once was.      |
|But I'm good once as I ever was!    |
|                                    |
|P.S. You don't have to say yes      |
|                         Just Smile!|
122. What is your favorite on premarital sex?
123. Hey babe, Wanna get LUCKY!!!!!!
124. "Say mother!  Want another?" (if she has children)
125. No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?
126. Will you marry me and have my children?  [unfortunate 
     side-effects: beware!]
127. I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look
     ravishing in black, did you know that? What you need now is 
     a nice backrub. Are the straps too tight, darling? How tragic. 
     How very, very tragic.
128. Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen 
     her clothes.
129. You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across...
130. You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears
     someone beat me to it.
131. Excuse me, do you live around here often?
132. Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared 
     a cab home together?
133. Would you like to see a baby picture of me?
     (Shows the girl the picture of a baby better endowed that most men.)
134. Your place, or mine?
135. What's your sign?
136. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
137. Excuse me, do you wanna spoon or should I apologize?
138. You have the ass of a great artist.
140. There's the old classic from the movie Fletch:
     (to girl in towel):  Excuse me, could I borrow your towel? My car
     just hit a water buffalo.
141. Her: What do you think of this (dress, sweater, article of clothing)?
     Him: I like nothing better.
142. walk up to a lady in a club and ask "Are you ready to go home now?". 
143. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
144. That's a nice dress - could I talk you out of it?
145. I love you.  I want to marry you.  Now fuck my brains out.
146. Let's take a shower together --you smell.
147. I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade
148. Kiss me you fool, fuck me you harlot.
149. I've got an itch, honey.  Lower. lower. in. out.
150. If I was Elvis, would you screw me?
151. He:  "What was that?" 
     She:  "What was what?"
     He:  "That sound."
     She:  "I didn't hear anything."
     He:  "It was the sound of my heart breaking."
152. If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me.
153. Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches 
     and it ain't floppy.
154. I'm on fire.  Can I run through your sprinkler?
155. Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?!  
     I thought you knew...
156. At the dinner table, (if you eat together) pickup the bread and say,
     "Wanna roll?"
157. Ever tried those wierd prickly condoms?"  (sure to get responses)
158. Funny you should mention that, I was a gynecologist once.
159. Cold out isn't it?  (staring at breasts)
160. "Actually, Ma'am, Ah'm not as tall as you think. Ah'm from Taixus,
     and Ah'm sittin' on mah wallet."
161. Hey!  Ya wanna try out my new 'Home Artificial Insemination Kit?'
162. I would kill or die to make love to you.
163. I would die happy if I saw you naked just once.
164. I am writing a new algorithm, and I need some test data.  What are
     your measurements?
165. I have some hard code I want to try your compiler on.
166. Sometimes it can be helpful to start with a complement. eg. after
     "accidently" bumping her boobs, noticing a loose button, etc. say
     "If they weren't sooo large it wouldn't have happened"
167. Sex is a killer ... so die happy!
168. "Hey... somebody farted.  Let's get out of here."
169. The most common pick-up line used in a gay bar:
     "May I push in your stool?"
170. I have only three months to live (heard it in a movie ...
     of course, this was all before AIDS)
171. Chicks dig me;  I wear colored underwear.
172. Excuse me, is it true that you're a sexual tyrannosaurus?
173. I'm a copilot for American Airlines.
174. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
175. Excuse me... do you have change for a $100 bill?

Pickup Line Comebacks For Women
Man:  So what do you do for a living?
Woman:  Female impersonator.

I know how to please a woman.
Then please leave me alone.

I want to give myself to you.
Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Your hair color is fabulous.
Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drugstore.

You look like a dream.
Go back to sleep.

I can tell that you want me.
Yes, I want you to leave.

Hey, baby, what's your sign?

I'd go through anything for you.
Let's start with your bank account.

May I have the last dance?
You've just had it.

Your place or mine?
Both.  You go to your place and I'll go to mine.

Your body is like a temple.
Sorry, there are no services today.

Is this seat empty?
Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?

Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Most Unsuccessful Pick-up Lines
1. "Would you like to see my boa constrictor?"
2. "Is that a false nose?"
3. "You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno."
4. "I'm drunk."
5. "Hi, my friends call me Creepy."
6. "Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?"
7. "I just threw up."
8. "You're ugly but you intrigue me."
9. "I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed
    like that."

Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
10. "I'm down here"
 9. "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy"
 8. "I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi"
 7. "I can get you off the naughty list"
 6. "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys"
 5. "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
 4. "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over
     at Keebler"
 3. "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man"
 2. "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig"
 1. "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners"

Top 10 Santa pickup lines

10. "I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly.
9. "I put the 'scroo' in 'Scrooge' ."
8. "I've got something you can hang a wreath on."
7. "One hour with me honey and you'll see flyin' reindeer."
6. "Buy you a Zima?"
5. "That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I'm glad to see you."
4. "Uh-yeah, that's right, I'm Kenny Rogers."
3. "I got your stocking stuffer right here, Shirley!"
2. "Giddy-up over here and say "Howdy" to your fat, 
    bearded cowboy of love."
1. "I've got an elf in my pants."

Tim Allen's Top Handy Man Pickup Lines
10. "Come to Home Depot often?"
9. "Need anything nailed?"
8. "I once installed a shampoo shelf for Fabio"
7. "I'm very good at tongue-and-groove work"
6. "I'm not really a handyman, I'm actually a TV star worth millions
of dollars"
5. "Wanna get lathed?"
4. "Come over to 'this old house' and help me get out of 'these old
3. "Great spice rack!"
2. "You turn my two-by-four into a four-by-eight"
1. "It's tool time!"

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