Gender Jokes

Gender Jokes


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.  
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife 
can spend.  
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not 
try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men - but married men 
are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use 
in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.  
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.  
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.  
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY:
10. Could our relationship be more physical?  I'm
    tired of just being friends.
 9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for
    me to douche that way.
 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
 7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
 6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the
    holes in the armpits are just too cute.
 5. This diamond is just way too big.
 4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I
    get to swallow.
 3. WOW, it really IS 14 inches.
 2. Does this outfit make my butt look too small?
 1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.



THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY MAN WOULD EVER SAY:
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
 9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
 7. Her tits are just too big.
 6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
 5. The chick in "Murder She Wrote" gives me a woody.
 4. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
 3. We haven't been to the mall in ages.  Let's go
    shopping and I can hold your purse.
 2. Fuck "Monday Night Football," let's watch
    "Murphy Brown."
 1. I think we're lost, we'd better pull over and
    ask for directions.



News Bulletin:

 Men and Women are not alike.

 Sure, you thought you already knew that.  But now we have conclusive
 proof!  After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
 topics, these facts have emerged:

 RELATIONSHIPS:
 First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to
 it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."

 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
 girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots."  Then
 she will get on with her life.

 A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the breakup
 - at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted
 you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and
 I hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But I want you to know there's
 always a chance for us."  This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You"
 drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once.  There
 are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
 need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.

 SEX:
 Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.

 Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her
 place as part of the foreplay.


 MATURITY:
 Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can
 function as adults.

 Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
 other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high school romances rarely
 work out.

 HATS:
 Women look good in hats; men look like dorks.

 COMEDY:
 Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching tele-
 vision, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on.  Immediately,
 the men will get very excited - they will laugh uproariously, and even
 try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge.

 The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

 HANDWRITING:
 To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just
 chicken-scratch.

 Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with
 circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"
 and "g's."  It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.  Even when
 she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

 BATHROOMS:
 A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
 shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

 The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man
 would not be able to identify most of these items.

 MAGAZINES:
 Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

 Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women.  This is because
 the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy
 and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

 GROCERIES:
 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and
 buys these things.

 A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon,
 and something turning green.  Then he goes grocery shopping.  He buys
 everything that looks good.  By the time he reaches the checkout counter,
 his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverley
 Hillbillies.  Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
 10-items-or-less lane.

 GOING OUT:
 When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.

 When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready
 to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on
 her makeup...

 SHOES:
 When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then
 slip into Reebok sneakers.  She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic
 bag from Saks.  When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress
 shoes.  Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are
 under her desk.

 A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.

 LEG WARMERS:
 Leg warmers are sexy.  A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing
 the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers.  She can wear them any time
 she wants.

 A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the
 Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

 CATS:
 Women love cats.

 Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

 MIRRORS:
 Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.

 Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
 surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...

 GARAGES:
 Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.

 Men use garages for many things.  They hang license plates in garages,
 they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

 MOVIES:
 For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
 Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."

 For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face
 in "Public Enemy."

 JEWELRY:
 Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

 A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it.  Any more than
 that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

 MENOPAUSE:
 When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
 emotional, psychological, and biological changes.  The nature and degree
 of the changes varies with the individual.

 Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction.  He buys aviator glasses,
 a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an
 expensive foreign sports car.

 THE TELEPHONE:
 Men see the telephone as a communications tool.  They use the telephone
 to send short messages to other people.

 A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home,
 she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

 LOW BLOWS:
 Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television,
 and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.

 The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt."

 The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

 DIRECTIONS:
 If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar
 surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.

 Men consider this to be a sign of weakness.  A man will never stop and
 ask for directions.  Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while
 saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there," and,
 "I know I'm in the neighborhood.  I recognize that White Hen store."

 ADMITTING MISTAKES:
 Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.

 The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

 RICHARD GERE:
 Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

 Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who
 works out at the health club and dates only married women.

 OFFSPRING:
 Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about
 dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
 favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

 A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 DRESSING UP:
 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
 garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail...

 A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

 NUDITY IN MOVIES:
 Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.  This
 is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.

 The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
 This is another reason why men hate him.

 DAVID LETTERMAN:
 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.

 Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

 CAMERAS:
 Men take photography very seriously.  They'll shell out $4000 for state-
 of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.

 Women purchase Kodak Instamatics, and often produce better-looking shots.

 POLITICS:
 Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political
 things such as voting.

 Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up
 and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for
 them and cry on election night.

 LOCKER ROOMS:
 In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
 women.  They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as
 well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

 Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex.  Not in abstract
 terms, either.  They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.

 LAUNDRY:
 Women do laundry every couple of days.

 A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
 surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do
 his laundry.  Wehn he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
 sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to
 the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

 WEDDINGS:
 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."

 Men talk about "the bachelor party."

 CHEERLEADERS:
 Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.

 Male cheerleaders are scary.

 SOCKS:
 Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks.

 Women wear strange socks.  They are cut way below the ankles, have
 pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

 TOYS:
 Little girls love to play with toys.  Then, when they reach the age of
 11 or 12, they lose interest.

 Men never grow out of their obsession with toys.  As they get older,
 their toys simply become more expensive and impractical.  Examples of
 mens toys:  miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and
 blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots the serve cocktails on
 command, video games, and anything that blinks, beeps and requires at
 least six "D" batteries to operate.

 PLANTS:
 A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
 The man will water the plants.
 The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.
 No one knows why this happens.

 MUSTACHES:
 Some men look good with mustaches:  Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.

 There are no women who look good with mustaches.

 NICKNAMES:
 With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
 like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.
 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
 will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.

 But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately
 refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.

 HAIR:
 Haircuttee - Woman1
 Haircut Noticer - Woman2
 2:  Oh!  That's so cute!
 1:  Do you think so?  I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. 
 I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
 2:  Oh God no!  No, it's perfect.  I'd love to get my hair cut like 
 that, but I think my face is too wide.  I'm pretty much stuck with 
 this stuff I think. 
 1:  Are you serious?  I think your face is adorable. And you could 
 easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think.  
 I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would 
 accent my long neck.
 2:  Oh - that's funny!  I would love to have your neck!  Anything to 
 take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
 1:  Are you kidding?  I know girls that would love to have your shoulders.
 Everything drapes so well on you.  I mean, look at my arms - see how short 
 they are?  If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much 
 easier.
 

 Haircuttee - Man1
 Haircut Noticer - Man2
 2:  Haircut?
 1:  Yeah.

 RESTROOMS
 Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never 
 speak a word to each other. Never in the history of the world has
 a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey Stan, 
 I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?

 Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.   

 EATING OUT:
 When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
 When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in 
 $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50.  None of them will 
 have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want
 change back. 
 
 TIME:
 When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,
 she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football
 game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time
 outs, commercials, or replays.
 
 CONVERSATION:
 Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.",
 What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.", 
 "Well, maybe he got...
 
 The Most Important Difference of All
  
 COLORED UNDERWEAR:
 Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. 
 There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides
 solid white.



he Perfect Day According To :
 
                      HER
 
      8:45       Wake up to hugs and kisses
      9:00       5 pounds lighter on the scale
      9:30       Light breakfast
      11:00      Sunbathe
      12:30      Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
      1:45       Shopping
      2:30       Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's
                    gained 30 lbs.
      3:00       Manicure, Facial, massage, nap
      7:30       Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
      10:00      Make slow, sweet, romantic love
      11:30      Pillow talk in his big strong arms
 
                      HIM
 
      10:00      Wake up
      10:02      Oral sex
      10:10      Big Breakfast
      11:30      Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe
	            with big hooters
      2:15       Enormous lunch
      3:15       Oral sex
      3:25       Play sports with the guys
      4:30       Drink beer with the guys
      6:30       Meet Claudia Schiffer
      6:40       Oral sex
      6:50       Huge dinner, more beer
      11:00      Full on, get down, gorilla sex
      11:10      Sleep
 



The Female Stages Of Life

     Age          Drink
     17         Wine Coolers
     25         White wine
     35         Red wine
     48         Dom Perignon
     66         Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

              Excuses For Refusing Dates
     17         Need to wash my hair
     25         Need to wash and condition my hair
     35         Need to color my hair
     48         Need to have Francois color my hair
     66         Need to have Francois color my wig

              Favorite Sport
     17         shopping
     25         shopping
     35         shopping
     48         shopping
     66         shopping

              Drug
     17         shopping
     25         shopping
     35         shopping
     48         shopping
     66         shopping


              Definition Of A Successful Date
     17         "Burger King"
     25         "Free meal"
     35         "A diamond"
     48         "A bigger diamond"
     66         "Home Alone"

              Favorite Fantasy
     17         tall, dark, and handsome
     25         tall, dark, and handsome with money
     35         tall, dark, and handsome with money and a brain
     48         a man with hair
     66         a man

              House Pet
     17         Muffy the cat
     25         Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
     35         Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
     48         Children from first marriage and Muffy the Cat
     66         Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

              What's The Ideal Age To Get Married?
     17         17
     25         25
     35         35
     48         48
     66         66

              Ideal Date
     17         He offers to pay
     25         He pays
     35         He cooks breakfast the next morning
     48         He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
     66         He can chew breakfast




Men's Life Styles through Age

       AGE        DRINK

      17         beer
      25         beer
      35         vodka
      48         double vodka
      66         Maalox

     SEDUCTION LINE

     17         My parents are away for the weekend.
     25         My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
     35         My fiancee is away for the weekend.
     48         My wife is away for the weekend.
     66         My second wife is dead.

     FAVORITE SPORT

     17         sex
     25         sex
     35         sex
     48         sex
     66         napping

     DRUG

     17         pot
     25         coke
     35         really good coke
     48         power
     66         coke, a limousine, the company jet

     DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

     17         "tongue"
     25         "breakfast"
     35         "She didn't set back my therapy."
     48         "I didn't bump into her kids."
     66         "Got home alive."

     FAVORITE FANTASY

     17         getting to third
     25         airplane sex
     35         menage a trois
     48         taking his company public
     66         Swiss maid/love slave

     HOUSE PET

     17         roaches
     25         stoned-out college roommate
     35         Irish setter
     48         children from his first marriage
     66         Barbi

    WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

     17         25
     25         35
     35         48
     48         66
     66         17

     IDEAL DATE
 
    17         Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
    25         "Split the check before we go back to my place"
    35         "Just come over."
    48         "Just come over and cook."
    66         sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas



MALE / FEMALE DEFINITIONS:

MD = Male definition!
FD = Female definition!

WANTS AND NEEDS:
(FD) The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing
one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
(MD) Food, sex, and beer!

COMMUNICATION:
(FD) The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
(MD) Jotting a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys!

BUTT:
(FD) The body part that all clothing manufacturers makes "looks bigger".
(MD) The part meant for mooning and farting!

COMMITMENT:
(FD) A desire to get married and raise a family.
(MD) Avoiding the urge to pick up other women while out with one's
girlfriend!

ENTERTAINMENT:
(FD) A good movie, concert, play or book.
(MD) Anything with one ball, two fields, or three stooges!

FLATULENCE:
(FD) An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
(MD) An endless source of entertainment, self-expression & male bonding!

LESBIAN:
(FD) A woman who makes love to other women.
(MD) A woman who has sex with other women so men can get turned aroused!

MAKING LOVE:

(FD) The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
(MD) What men have to call "boinking" to get women to "boink"!

REMOTE CONTROL:

(FD) A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
(MD) A device for scanning through all 99 channels every two minutes! TASTE:
(FD) Something you do to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
(MD) Something you do to food you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it
out!

THINGY:
(FD) Any part under a car's hood.
(MD) The strap fastener on a woman's bra!

VULNERABLE:
(FD) Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
(MD) Playing ball without a cup!



Age and Womanhood

1. Between the ages of 13 and 18,
   she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35,
   she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45,
   she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly
   beautiful, and free with her resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 56,
   she is like Europe, exhausted but still
   has points of interest.

5. After 56 she is like Australia,
   everybody knows it's down there,
   but who gives a damn?


Age and Manhood

1. Between 16 and 26:
   Tri-weekly

2. Between 27 and 46:
   Try weekly

3. Over 47:
   Try weakly



What Women Should Know About Men 

1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're
   aiming to high. 

2. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself
   types. 

3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've got sick of
   him. 

4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probaly lies about
   other things too. 

5. A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her husband
   to do. 

6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder. 

7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway. 

8. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men --
   "don't" and "stop" (but not used together). 

9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell
   them apart. 

10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee. 

11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will
    usually find that he is. 

12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five
    men -- a women. 

13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong,
    caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them! 

14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent --
    but they make great pets! 

15. Mens brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man. 

16. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.




How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning 
   and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights 
   and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing robe and towel on head. If you happen to see 
   boyfriend/husband along the way, ignore juvenile "turban-head" jokes 
   and run to bathroom.
3. Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out stomach so as to
   complain about how fat you're getting.
4. Turn on hot water only.
5. Get in the shower-once you've found it through all the steam.
6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah,
   and pumice stone.
7. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lemon shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
8. Rinse hair.
9. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lemon conditioner enhanced with
   natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
10. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until 
    red and raw.
11. Try to wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Java Cake bodywash.
12. Complain bitterly when you realize that your boyfriend/husband has
    once again been EATING your Ginger Nut and Java Cake body wash.
13. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as 
    you must make sure that all the conditioner has come off).
14. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered.
15. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you
    get a rush of cold water.
16. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
17. Dry with a towel the size of a small country.
18. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit.  Attack with
    nails/tweezers if found.
19. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
20. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any
    exposed flesh and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a 
    half getting dressed.


How to Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave 
   them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife 
   along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to
   see if you have pecs.
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check for pecs again.
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.)
8. Wash your face.
9. Wash your armpits.
10. Wash your genital area.
11. Wash your ass.
12. Shampoo your hair, do not use conditioner.
13. Make a shampoo mohawk.
14.  Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.   
15. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
16. Pee.
17. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
18. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your 
    girlfriend/wife, flash her.
19. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.


 

101 ways to keep your man

All suggestions were from women, BTW

Ask him what he did that day. Withhold sex until he has
accounted for every single minute since he last left your sight.

Ask him what he's feeling.

Call him childish for wearing socks to bed, then cuddle up
real close, and put your ice-cold feet directly on his bare skin.

Complain that you have nothing to wear, then borrow all his
clothes. Bonus if you lounge around the house in the white,
collared shirt he planned to wear for his big presentation at
work. Throw a fit about him not doing "his share" of the
laundry.

After four dates, start to leave bridal magazines around.

Ask him what he's feeling.

Men are intensely interested in female genitalia. Make him buy
your douche and "feminine hygiene" supplies.

Make him toss out his favorite pair of sneakers so you have
room for your third pair of black suede pumps with two-inch
heels. Alternatively, make him toss out his trusty 501s so you
can keep those size-4 Calvin's that you're sure you'll be able
to fit into again.

If he's 20 minutes late to pick you up, call the police and
report him missing. If he takes too long getting back from the
grocery store, tell him he should have called.

Whenever you are within 15 feet of a human under the age of
five, you must coo and gurgle at them for not less than 12.5
minutes. Any less and people will call you a monster.

Men have no idea how to have a good time. Scalp his Superbowl
tickets, and buy box seats to Wagner's "Ring."

Ask him why he can't be as trustworthy and sensitive as
Michael on "thirtysomething." If he's trustworthy and
sensitive, ask him why he can't be as exciting and daring as
Magnum P.I.

Ask him what he's feeling.

Spend a fortune on salad greens--arugula, cilantro, etc.--then buy
generic-brand beer.

Redecorate his house/apartment. Make sure at least one large
piece of furniture in each room (e.g., sofa, bed) is covered
with a floral print. Throw out his clear-plastic shower
curtain and replace it with one that features swans.

"Forget" to take the Pill.

Dump him for a stranger in a BMW.

Men can see only very bright colors. Use a trowel to apply makeup.

Tell him about the time/s you achieved multiple orgasms with
other men. Give exact numbers by taking the highest number
you've ever achieved with him, then add one.

Speeding tickets are for other people to pay. Bat your
eyelashes and pretend not to know anything about cars. Ask the
officer if he thinks your speedometer might be wrong because
the radiator leaks. Allow him to explain to you all about cars
until he completely forgets about the ticket.

Dress up in your sexiest outfit, then when he tries to get
close, tell him you'll kill him if he messes up your hair.

Compare notes with all your girlfriends about every detail of
your sex life. Make sure he knows you've done this, then
pretend not to notice that they all giggle when they see him.

Have half an inch trimmed off your hair. Go ballistic when he doesn't
notice.

Ask him what he's feeling.

Every once in a while, tell him you think you might be
pregnant, just to see his eyes bug out. (Alternate: just to
get his hopes up.)

Ask him which dress looks better: the magenta or the burgundy.

Pump his mother for information about old girlfriends.

If you're peeved, sulk. If he notices and asks if anything is
wrong, say "Oh, nothing," then keep sulking. Then pick a fight
at three in the morning.

Call him three times a day, every day. After two weeks of
this, ask him why he never calls you.

Make sure he notices you:  ask him whether you look fat.
 
 



What Every Woman Should Know About Men

Everyone knows that testosterone, the so-called male hormone, is found
in both men and women.  What is not so well known is that men have an
overdose.

Until now it has been thought that the level of testosterone in men is
normal simply because they have it.  But if you consider how abnormal
their BEHAVIOR is, then you are led to the hypothesis that almost all
men are suffering from TESTOSTERONE POISONING.

The symptoms are easy to spot.  Suffers are reported to show an early
preference (while still in the crib) for geometric shapes.  Later, they
become obsessed with machinery and objects to the exclusion of human
values.  They have intense need to rank everything, and are obsessed
with size.  (At some point in his life, nearly every male measures his
penis.)

It is well known that men don't look like other people.  They have
chicken legs.  This is symptomatic of the disease, as is the fact that
those men with the most aviary underpinnings will rank women according
to the shapeliness of THEIR legs.

The pathological violence of most men hardly needs to be mentioned.
They are responsible for more wars than any other leading sex.

Testosterone poisoning is particularly cruel because its sufferers
usually don't know they have it.  In fact, when they are most under its
sway they believe that they are at their healthiest and most
attractive.  They even give each other medals for exhibiting the most
advanced  symptoms of the illness.

But there is hope.

Sufferers can change (even though it is harder than learning to walk
again).  They must first realize, however, that they are sick.  The
fact that this condition is inherited in the same way that dimples are
does not make it cute.

Eventually, of course, telethons and articles in the READER'S DIGEST
will dramatize the tragedy of testosterone poisoning.  In the meantime
it is imperative for your friends and loved ones to become familiar
with the danger signs.

        Have the men you know take this simple test for -
        The Seven Warning Signs of Testosterone Poisoning

  1.  DO YOU HAVE AN INTENSE NEED TO WIN?  When having sex, do you take
pride in always finishing before your partner?  Do you always ask if
this time was "the best" - and gnaw on the bedpost if you get an
ambiguous answer?

  2.  DOES VIOLENCE PLAY A BIG PART IN YOUR LIFE?  Before you answer,
count up how many hours you watched football, ice hockey, and
children's cartoons this year on television.  When someone crosses
you, do you wish you could stuff his face full of your fist?  Do you
ever  poke people in your fantasies or throw them to and fro at all?
When someone cuts you off in traffic, do violent, angry curses come
bubbling  out of your mouth before you know it?  If so, you're in big
trouble, fella, and this is only question number two.

  3.  ARE YOU "THING" ORIENTED?  Do you value the parts of a woman's
body more than the woman herself?  Are you turned on by things that
even REMIND you of those parts?  Have you ever fallen in love with a
really great doorknob?

  4.  DO YOU HAVE AN INTENSE NEED TO REDUCE EVERY DIFFICULT SITUATION
TO CHARTS AND FIGURES?  If you were present at a riot, would you tend
to count the crowd?  If your wife is desponder~back that has left her
feeling helpless, do you take her temperature?

  5.  DO YOU TEND TO MEASURE THINGS THAT ARE REALLY QUALITATIVE?  Are
you more impressed with how high a male ballet dancer can leap that
with what he does while he's up there?  Are you more concerned with how
long you can spend in bed, and with how many orgasms you can have, than
you are with how you or your partner feels while you're there?

  6.  ARE YOU A LITTLE TOO MECHANICALLY MINDED?  Would you like to
watch a sunset with a friend and feel at one with nature and each
other, or would you rather take apart a clock?

  7.  ARE YOU EASILY TRIGGERED INTO COMPETITION?  When someone tries to
pass you on the highway, do you speed up a little?  Do you find
yourself getting into contests of crushing beer cans -- with the beer
still in them?

If you've answered yes to three or fewer of the above questions, you
may be learning to deal with your condition.  A man answering yes to
more than three is considered sick and not someone you'd want to have
around in a crisis -- such as raising children or growing old
together.  Anyone answering yes to all seven of the questions should
seek help in a high-wire act.

        What To Do If You Suffer From Testosterone Poisoning

  1.  DON'T PANIC.  Your first reaction may be that you are sicker than
anyone else -- or that you are the one man in the world able to fight
it off -- or, knowing that you are a sufferer, that you are the one man
ordained to lead others to health (such as by writing articles about
it).  These are all symptoms of the disease.  Just relax.  First, sit
back and enjoy yourself.  Then find out how to enjoy somebody else.

  2.  TRY TO FEEL SOMETHING.  (Not with your hands, you oaf.) Look at a
baby and see if you can appreciate it.  (Not how BIG it's getting, just
how nice she or he is.)  See if you can get yourself to cry by some
means other than getting hit in the eye or losing a lot of money.

  3.  SEE IF YOU CAN LISTEN WHILE SOMEONE IS TALKING.  Were you the one
talking?  Perhaps you haven't got the idea yet.

  4.  PRACTICE THIS SENTENCE:  "You know, I think you're right and I'm
wrong."  (Hint:  it is useful to know what the other person thinks
before you say this.)

        For Women Only:
        What To Do If You Are Living With a Sufferer

  1.  Remember that a little sympathy is a dangerous thing.  The
sufferer will be inclined to interpret any concern for him as
appropriate submissiveness.

  2.  Let him know that you expect him to fight his way back to health
and behave like a normal person -- for his own sake, not for yours.

  3.  Only after he begins to get his condition under control and has
actually begun to enjoy life should you let him know that there is no
such thing as testosterone poisoning.

    - Alan Alda, 1975.




Woman's Quote of the Day:

  Men are like fine wine.  They all start out like grapes, 
and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark 
until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."


Man's Quote of the Day:

  "Women are like fine wine.  They all start out fresh, fruity 
and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age 
until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."



WHAT A WOMAN SAYS:
   Cmon...This place is a mess!
   You and I need to clean.
   Your pants are on the floor
   and you'll have no clothes
   if we don't do laundry now!

WHAT A MAN HEARS:
   C'MON....blah, blah, blah
   YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
   blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
   blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
   blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!

   

MAN, I'M GLAD I'M A MAN, MAN

Everyday I give thanks to God
I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't go through a faze every 28 days

Man, I'm glad I'm a man
I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john
I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale
I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't face the pain of water-weight gain

Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Let me tell you ladies
Listen to me ladies
I love your pretty faces
Your warm and soft embraces
I love those things inside of your blouse
But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house

I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date
I don't play with dolls unless they inflate
When someone asks me my age, I never lie
After sex in bed, my spot's always dry
I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I find Michael Bolton 
completely revoltin'
Man, I'm glad I'm a man




 I'm Glad I'm A Woman

 I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
 I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
 I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
 I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
 I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
 and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

 I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
 my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
 and I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch
 or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
 I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
 I'm a woman you see --  I'm just not that kind!

 I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
 I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
 It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
 When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
 And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
 I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
 Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
 I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

 And I honestly think its a privilege for me
 to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
 I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
 I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
 I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
 stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
 or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
 then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

 Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
 you can forget all about that old penis envy
 I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
 join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
 I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
 I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!




 I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
 I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
 I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
 I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
 I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
 and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

 I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
 I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
 and I don't go around checking my reflection
 in everything shiny from every direction.
 I don't whine in public and make us leave early
 and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

 I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing
 I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
 I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
 I don't carry our differences into the sack.
 I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
 or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.

 I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too
 I know what the time is and I know what to do.
 And I honestly think its a privilege for me
 to have these two balls and stand when I pee
 I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
 It's more fun than dealing with women after all
 I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work
 I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
 Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
 I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

 Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
 I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery
 I don't get all bitchy every 28 days
 I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
 I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true
 I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!




What a man!
     
Everyday I give thanks to the almighty God,
for blessing me with this eight inch rod.
I'm a man, a man I choose to be,
I keep my pants on, when I take a pee.
     
I speak my mind, true and clear
instead of bitchin' 12 times a year
The key to communication is talking, let's begin
get off your knees and wipe off your chin
     
Don't worry, be happy! I love life!
It's so damn difficult to find an intelligent wife
Why does marriage appear so bland?
Thank God for condoms, and one night stands.
Excuse me ma'am! Where are my morals, my self-respect?
Ok, lady of the 90's, you can pick up the check.
     
I work, play, and watch T.V.
don't spend money unnecessarily
I change the flat tire, I mow the lawn
you drain me like a leech, till the money is all gone
get a job for a month, a year
learn the meaning of the word 'share'
     
Lipstick, eyeshadow, perfume. All for what?
doesn't change the size of your butt
time to face reality, check your girth
don't blame it on your last childbirth
     
The miracle of birth is difficult, it's true
just as difficult as saying, "I _ _ _ _ you!"
     
Trying to jack me for my greenbacks, what a disgrace
don't look in my wallet, look me in the face
"What is it, honey? What did I say"
I'm kicking you to the curb, bitch. Have a nice day!



  There once was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course,
perfect.  One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving
their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the 
side of the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped 
to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.  Not wanting 
to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple 
loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
  Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the 
driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus 
had an accident.  Only one of them survived the accident.

 Who was the survivor?

 (Scroll down for the answer.)
 
















down a little further...





 


  The perfect woman.  She's the only one that really existed 
in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and 
there is no such thing as a perfect man...
 (Women, end e-mail here.  Men, keep scrolling.)
 
















Keep scrolling...men only
 












  So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect 
woman must have been driving.
  This explains why there was a car accident.
(by the way if you're a woman, and you're reading this...it brings up
another point...women never listen either.)

 
 


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