Men Jokes

Men Jokes



Element: MAN

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: 180 +/-100

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but gets bent 
out of shape.

Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to
rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young
fresh samples.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also,
tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with
Kd (element Kid) for prolonged period of time. Pretty basic. Neutralize by
saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to
produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins
to smell.




 "MENstrual cramps
  MENopause
  MENtal anxiety
  MENtal case
  Notice that everything bad always seem
  to start with MEN?"


Then there is the male equivalent of PMS: SRS.
Sperm Retention Syndrome


Why is a gingerbread man THE perfect man?  
Because he's sweet, he's quiet, and if he gives you any crap 
 you can bite off his head! 


Why are men like lawn mowers?
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.


Why is a hard man good to find?
You don't have to stay up half the night massaging his ego.


What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!


How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?


What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need


How are men like bank machines?
Once they withdraw they lose interest


How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck 
 and the noose.


Why do men prefer the woman to be on top?
Because men always fuck up.


What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? 
The man.

 
What's the difference between government bonds and men? 
Bonds mature.
 

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
 

How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
 

Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.
 

What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common? 
Men always miss them.


Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
 

Why are men and spray paint alike?
One squeeze and they're all over you.

 
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
 

Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

 
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
 

Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this 
|----------------------| is 12 inches long.
 
 
Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much? 
They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.
 

Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars? 
At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months 
or 5,000 miles, whichever came first.
 

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
 
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
One, men will screw anything.
 
 
Why do men have a hole in their penis? 
So oxygen can get to their brains.

 
What is the difference between men and pigs? 
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
 

What do ceramic tile and men have in common? 
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over
them for life!
 

Why are men like laxatives?   
They irritate the shit out of you.


What do you call an intelligent man in America?  
A tourist.


Why do jocks play on artificial turf?  
To keep them from grazing.


Why do men name their penises?  
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person 
who makes all their decisions.


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, 
caring, and good-looking? 
Because they already have boyfriends.


Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.


Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

 
Men are like.....Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.

 
Men are like.....Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

 
Men are like.....Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

 
Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

 
Men are like.....Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all
night long.

 
Men are like.....Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

 
Men are like.....Department Stores.
Their clothes should always be half off.

 
Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

 
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.


Men are like.....Snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll
get or how long he will last.


Why don't men have a mid-life crisis?
They're stuck in adolescence.


Why do men like masturbation?  
Its sex with someone they love.


How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?   
Two ways to cross a river.


What is gross stupidity?  
144 men in one room.


Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to 
         put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?


How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and 
shake the stove.


What is a man's view of safe sex?  
A padded headboard.


Why did it take Moses 40 years to get out of the desert?
He was a typical man, who didn't want to stop and ask directions.


Have you heard they're going to stop circumcising men?
They found out that they were throwing away the best part. 


Ninety nine percent of all men give the others a bad name. 


What's the difference between a clitoris, an anniversary, 
and a toilet?
None, men always miss them.


How is beer better than a man?
Great taste, less filling.


Why do men drive pick-ups?
So they'll have a place to throw the empties.


What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.


Why do men snore?
When they fall asleep, their balls cover their assholes and 
they vapor lock.


Why do men like to leave the lights on during sex?
They're less prone to call out the wrong name.


Did you hear about that poor baby that was born a hermaphrodite?
It was born with both a penis and a brain.


Why are men like the Internet? 
Both of them promise more than they can deliver.


Why are beer cans so easy to open?
Simple, look at who is opening them.


How are men and parking lots alike?
The good ones are taken and the ones left are handicapped.


Why did God create man first?
Practice makes perfect.
 

Why are men like prawns? 
Their heads are full of shit and only their wiggly bits are 
any good! 


How are dogs better than men?
When you get tired of a dog, you can always have it put to sleep.


How can you tell if a man is horny?
He's breathing.


What would you call a sensitive, warm, caring intelligent man?
An oxymoron.


What's the best way to a man's heart?
Who cares?
or
Straight through his chest.


How many men does it take to fix a leaky faucet?
Two.  One to look in the yellow pages, the other to dial the 
number.


What's the best way to get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his feet.


What did God say when he created men?
"I can do better than this."


How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs whenever they see a bikini.



A guide to being a handyman around the house:

 1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife.  If you break
    off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
 2. Try to work alone, an audience is rarely any help.
 3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying 
    and cursing are both helpful in home repair...but only if 
    you are working alone.
 4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can...many fine tools 
    are there. Its warm and dry, and you are close to the 
    refrigerator.
 5. If it's electronic, get a new one, or consult a
    twelve-year-old.
 6. Stay simple minded. Plug it in. Get a new battery. Replace
    the bulb or fuse. See if the tank is empty. Try turning it 
    to the "on" switch, or just paint over it.
 7. Always take credit for miracles.  If you dropped the alarm
    clock while taking it apart, and it suddenly starts working, 
    you have healed it.
 8. Regardless what people say, kicking, pounding, throwing, and
    shaking sometimes DOES help.
 9. If something looks level, it is level.
10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine sccess.
11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it 
    aint stupid!
12. if you can't find it.  you've lost it!



  Every guy subconciously thinks of the following when they 
rate a woman's attactiveness. 1-4 are for single guys. 5 was 
added to cover the married ones because they already went 
through 1 - 4.

1. So ugly you wouldn't fuck her.
2. You'd fuck her but won't be seen in public with her.
3. You'd fuck her and be seen in public with her.
4. You'd fuck her and marry her.
5. You'd fuck her in front of your wife.



Why do men make millions od sperm cells when only one
is needed to fertalize an egg?
Have you ever know a man toask for directions?


Why does a man have a whole in the tip of his penis?
To allow the O2 to flow to his brain.


Why do men like to play Pinball?
It's the only way they can get five balls for a quarter.


How does a man define "long term relationship"?
A second date.


Why do most men get married?
Their mothers won't put up with them, anymore.



  God told man, "I'm going to give you ten years of a normal sex life."
  Man said, "That's not enough. The way I feel, I need much more."
  God said, "If I give you something, don't complain."
  Man said, "But sex isn't just something."
  God said, "Look, I'm busy.  We'll talk again."
  God called the King of the Beasts to him and said, "Lion, 
you've got twenty years of sex life."
  The lion said, "Ten will be enough."
  Man said, "Let me have the extra ten."
  God nodded and said, "You've got it."
  God gave the monkey twenty years.  The monkey said that ten
would be enough.
  Man raised his hand.  God nodded and gave him the extra ten.
Before the day was over, God had given man ten years the donkey 
didn't want and a final ten that parrots couldn't use.
  That may explain why men have ten normal years of sex, ten 
years of lion about it, ten years of monkeying around with it, 
ten years of being an ass about it, and ten years of talking 
about it!



Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.


A woman of 35 thinks of having children.  
What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.


How can you tell that soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.


What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.


Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.


How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of just one.


How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.


What's the difference between a circus and a single's bar?
At the circus, the clowns don't talk.


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars that they have
no intention of driving.


Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.


Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't
 work half the time.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.


Why is sleeping with a man like a watching a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until
 next time.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.


What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.


Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.


What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.


How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know - it's never happened.


Why do men, like women when they have bought some new leather clothes??
Cause, they smell of new car!!!!


Why is psychoanalysis faster for men than for women?
It's quicker for men to regress.  They are still in their childhood. 


What's the definition of PMS?
Putting up with Men's Shit. 


If we can put a man on the moon.....
why don't we put them all there? 


Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.


I went to the County Fair. 
They had one of those "Believe it or not?" shows...
They had a man born with a penis and a brain!


What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.


Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.


Why does Santa wear red underwear?
He's a man--he did all his laundry in one load. 


Men most resemble what animal?
Dogs, only they're not as loyal.


What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.


What's the easiest way to get a man to go to sleep?
Tell him you want to talk to him.


What are two reason why men don't mind their own business?
  1)No mind
  2)No business 


How do men define a "50-50" relationship?
We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.


What would you call a man who fetches his own beer between innings?
An athlete.


What's the most insensitive part of the penis?
The man it's connected to.


What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?
A six-pack and a hot dog.


What do you have to do to keep a man interested?
Wear perfume that smells like beer.


If a man goes to bed nine hours before he has to get up, and his
wife wants to make love for two hours, how much sleep will he get?
Eight hours and 57 minutes -- who cares what she wants! 


If a man says something in a forest and there are no women 
around to hear him, is he still wrong?


What's the difference between men and wine?
Wine matures with age.


Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women 
will ask for directions 


What do smart men do at the M&M factory?
Proofread



WHY MEN SHOULD BE BUILT BY KODAK

They would automatically shut off when they weren't being used
You wouldn't have to wait for them to recharge after each shot
They last longer and come with a warranty
You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and
 return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle
They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it
They come in fashionable colours
You can keep them in maximum zoom
They come with replaceable or adjustable parts
The parts that count are portable
They don't mind over-exposure
They respond to the slightest touch
The one you want is available at a KMART near you.




THE BACHELOR COMMANDMENTS

 1. Thou shalt always fool around on your girlfriend (that way 
    when she dumps you, you can always get the last laugh).
 2. Thou shalt not hose thy girlfriends friends unless you're 
    sure you can get away with it AND you do it in her bed.
 3. Thou shalt never spend more than $100 without first getting 
    in her pants.
 4. Thou shalt never marry the first girl you hose after getting 
    out of a "slump."
 5. Thou shalt never admit to being in a slump, it is always 
    a "lull."
 6. Thou shalt always have beer in the fridge.
 7. Thou shalt always blow off your girlfriend at least once a 
    month to get drunk with your buddies.
 8. Thou shalt always forget to call when performing the previous 
    commandment.
 9. Thou shalt never admit to "hogging," it is always "a
    temporary alcohol induced craving."
10. Thou shalt never go on a blind date with someone described as 
    having "a good personality."
11. Thou shalt never turn down steady pussy until it violates 
    number four or number ten.
12. Thou shalt never eat anything high in fiber or low in 
    cholesterol.
13. Thou shalt never drink non-alcoholic beer.
14. Thou shalt never covet thy neighbor's wife unless she
    covets back.
15. Thou shalt always leave the seat up.



The ten most common lies men tell women in bed: 

1) You'll be so much more comfortable wearing this dog collar.
2) Butt-fucking is lots of fun!
3) If you won't suck my cock, you couldn't possibly love me.
4) I like it when you let your teeth scrape against my cock.
5) I think your hairy legs and armpits are sexy.
6) You're not fat, you are voluptuous.
7) Mensural blood doesn't bother me in the least.
8) She's just my secretary.
9) I promise not to cum in your mouth.
10) I'll call you.



How Men Really Think
      
  There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know
which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see
how each of them spends it.
  The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money.
She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works,
and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for
you because I love you so much."
  The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, 
a television,  and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, 
"I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you 
so much."
  The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock 
market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and 
reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the 
money for our future because I love you so much."
  The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent
the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.



How To Talk About Men And Still Be Politically Correct

He is not a bad dancer; 
he is Overly Caucasian.

He is not a cradle robber; 
he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He is not a male chauvinist pig; 
he has Swine Empathy.

He is not a redneck; 
he is a Genetically-Related American.

He is not a sex machine; 
he is Romantically Automated.

He is not afraid of commitment; 
he is Monogamously Challenged.

He is not balding; 
he is in Follicle Regression.

He is not quiet; 
he is a Conversational Minimalist.

He is not short  
he is Anatomically Compact.

He is not stupid; 
he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

He is not unsophisticated;
he is Socially Malformed.

He does not act like a total ass; 
he develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial Inversion.

He does not constantly talk about cars; 
he has a Vehicular Addiction.

He does not eat like a pig; 
he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

He does not fart and belch; 
he is Gastronomically Expressive.

He does not get falling-down drunk; 
he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

He does not get lost all the time; 
he discovers Alternative Destinations.

He does not have a fabulous rear end; 
he has achieved Buttocks Perfection.

He does not have a beer gut; 
he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

He does not have a rich daddy; 
he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.

He does not have a hot body; 
he is Physically Combustible.

He does not hog the blankets; 
he is Thermally Unappreciative.

His jeans are not too tight; 
he is Anatomically Undercirculated.

You do not buy him a drink;
you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.

You do not kiss him;
you become Facially Conjoined.

You do not undress him with your eyes; 
you have an Introspective Pornographic Moment.




The Perfect Man

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on to you.

The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.

He never has made you cry
Or hurt you in any way
To hell with this endless poem
The perfect man is gay





Why Men Can't Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your
butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you appreciate feminine frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're strange.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

If you change your mind, you're "wishi-washi".
If she changes her mind, she's flexible.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.




10 THINGS THAT SUCK ABOUT BEING A GUY!

1)  You have to take out the garbage.

2)  The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.

3)  No sofas in your restrooms.

4)  External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.

5)  Even if you get you head caught in an industrial wood chipper,
    you're not allowed to cry.

6)  James Bond movies only come out every 2 years.

7)  Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.

8)  You have to wear ties.

9)  You can't flirt your way out of a jam.

10)  "Women and children first."




Why are men such jerks?

 It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing,  we men suffer
from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a
male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching
and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior.   We're just
misunderstood.

 Why do men always have to ogle at other women?

 Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the
testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides,
women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught.  
I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take
one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this
ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

 Why do men always say such stupid things?

 We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated
by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

 Why are men so uncommunicative?

 You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you
get into trouble with your partner.

 Why do men have to act like such retards?

 Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the
old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the
world nowadays.

 Why can't men just share their feelings?

 Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and
women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have
no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like
rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel.
  Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

 Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?

 Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as
much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for
hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave...
Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the
other hand is a whole other story.

How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?

 Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that
enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In 
prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended 
periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were 
able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing 
on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by 
saber toothed tigers etcetera.   The end result is that almost all modern 
men are born with this innate ability.

 Why can't men just say "I love you?"

 Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that
we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider
that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character
faults.

 Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?

 We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your
questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like
the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

 Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?

 Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much.   Besides, we know
darn well you'll pick it up.

 What's with all the belching and farting?

 This usually only occurs after months of courting.   It's our way to let
you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually
a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives
us stomach cramps.

 Why do men hate shopping?

 It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather.   We just want to go
out, kill it, and bring it back.   Who wants to spend hours and hours to
look at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying?

 Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?

 Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat
is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a
function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting.   The closer
that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's
actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all
over the seat. You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should
appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please.

 Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?

 Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are
generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and
doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world
on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb
male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't
get).   What more could any of us males ask for?

 Why do men act like they own the remote control?

 What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths of the law.
Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just
anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control
is to arm wrestle for it.

 Why can't men stay on a single channel for more
 than two seconds?

 Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We
could miss it if we stay on one
channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?)

 Why do men fear commitment?

 Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and
can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you
think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster,
better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to
purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a
few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a
slight chance
 of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to
lease and upgrade to the younger... err... I mean newer models every couple
of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags.

 What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"

 Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically
repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide
adequate protection.

 Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?

 As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with
ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so
obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are
always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal
treatment for the stupid people either.

 Why do men like younger women?

 Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily
impressed. They're also perky, energetic, and come with very little
baggage. And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.

 Why do men only have one thing on their minds?

 While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may
only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of
other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite
often.

 How can men possibly find that other woman attractive
 (i.e. whatever do you see in that fat pig)?

 Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are
ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few
attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think
evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of
the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness.

 Why are men such dogs?

 I resent that. Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and
obedient...




WHY DOES HE ALWAYS HAVE TO...

Be dressed and ready to go before you are?

Put ketchup on everything except rice pudding?

Get off the phone in a microsecond if he answers when your mother calls?

Pretend he likes stars like Julia Roberts and Sharon Stone because
of their acting ability?

Drive 20 miles over the speed limit?

Act as if his razor is priceless and should never be touched?

Toss change, keys, credit cards, on the dresser, no matter how many
charming containers you provide?

Hand you the "living section" when you ask for part of the paper?

Make elaborate snacks the minute you've finished cleaning the kitchen?

Be such a charmer with your best friend after you've privately told
her what a beast he's been all week?

Drink milk from the carton with great gusto?

Not understand the "toilet-seat thing"?

Assume you will take care of gifts, cards, and flowers for his family?

Want you to make a fuss when he does some little household chore
unasked?

Say "I am listening to you" when he's not?

Get lost rather than ask directions?

Wait until you are dressed and made-up to suggest a quickie?

Put clothes on top of the hamper instead of in it?

Talk obsessively about traffic and traffic routes with other men (as
in, "Did you take Route Seven?")

Wash all the dishes in the sink, but leave the big, dirty pots and
pans for you?

Be convinced, no matter what you tell him, bigger is better?

Stand at the refrigerator, shouting, "Honey, where's the mustard?"
when it's right in front of him?

Turn the volume way down on the TV or stereo if he feels like
talking, as if you weren't really listening anyway?

Spend hours measuring and making minute pencil marks on the wall
when you ask him to hang up a few framed photos, then plop on the
couch for the rest of the weekend with the weariness of a man who's
just single-handedly built the railroad?

Take charge of everybody's automatic window buttons in the car?

Say "I'm starving" the minute you walk in the door?

Revert to the age of two during minor illnesses...as in: "Bring me
homemade lemonade with lots of ice and a bendy straw!" or "People have
actually died from a sprained toe, ya know!"?

Hit the shower immediately after sex?

Be sent to the store with a detailed grocery list and return with
four six-packs, an economy-size bag of generic taco chips, and twelve
Popsicles?

Constantly ask, "Where'd I put my keys? as though you watch his every move?

Complain there's nothing on TV but continue to watch (and channel
surf) for the rest of the evening?

Observe that you have a closet full of stuff you never wear just as
you're leaving to go shopping?

Leave his shoes in the living room?

Eat the last piece of leftover chicken and stick the saran-wrapped
empty plate back in the fridge?

Readjust himself (private parts) in front of you as if you're not looking?

Forget to zip his fly?

Accuse you of having PMS?

Hold an umbrella over you so that the rain invariably drips down your neck?

Tell you to "Shhh" until the next commercial - even if what you have
to say is important?

Make horrible little hissing sounds when he's bored?




Just thought it was, again, a good time to remind you and to help you
gain a better appreciation for the role us guys make play day in and
day out.   Down through history men have made the TOUGH choices and
have never received the kind of credit that was due them.   Allow me,
if you will, to list a few of those thankless choices I refer to:

 1.  Who decides to let their dirty socks lay in the middle of the
     bedroom floor so as to make it easier for you to pick them up.
     The man does of course!   Have we ever received any thanks for
     this. Nope.

 2.  Who makes the decision to mow the lawn across the corner to
     create a neat pattern, (to impress the neighbor) or to
     simply mow from left to right and then from right to left?
     A recent study done by historians, from the Smithsonian
     Institute, reveals that 95.72% of the time...these tough
     decisions are made by the man.

 3.  Who, pray tell, has mastered the TV remote control as has the
     man?  In so doing he must make decisions as to what programs
     to watch so as to maintain fairness for all and maintain a
     healthy viewing diet....It not only takes the wisdom of
     Solomon to do this but great dexterity!

 4.  Who is willing to prop his feet up on the coffee table so you
     can sweep the floors unobstructed.   The man, right?

 5.  Who forces himself to stay out of the kitchen so as to allow
     you to prepare the meal as your heart desires.  The man of course.

 6.  Who, but a man,  denies his primal instincts to help you set
     the table at mealtime just so it's done the way YOU want it to
     be done and then makes the tough decision to NOT help wash the
     dishes afterwards, so that the dishes will be put away in their
     proper place, clean.

As you can see, I could keep on with this list but I believe
these examples clearly show that we are capable of being
responsible individuals as being willing to make the really tough
decisions in life.   We don't seek praise or demand any awards....but
it is instructive to, once in a while, review the great contributions
we make in the over all efficient operation of the family unit!

I trust we understand each other better as a result of this
dialogue!




Things you will never hear a man say.
 
01. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
02. No, I don't want another beer.  I have to work tomorrow.
03. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
04. Her tits are just too big.
05. Sometimes I just want to be held.
06. That chick on "Murder She Wrote" gives me a woody.
07. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
08. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can
    hold your purse.
09. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Melrose Place.
10. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions.
11. It's late, put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
12. Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons?
13. What happened to my old Nancy Drew books?
14. Do these jeans come in lavender?
15. I love jogging dear, but I can't keep up with you, you go on ahead.
16. This shower curtain doesn't have enough frills on it.
17. Damn, too bad this car isn't a four cylinder.
18. My butt's too big, don't lie, it's true.  I know my butt's too big.
19. It's OK, I'll sleep in the wet spot.
20. I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
21. I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
22. Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
23. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open
    when she's getting ready for bed.  Maybe I should tell her.
24. No way, you weeded the garden last week, it's my turn.
25. Better get ride of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look 
    at them anymore.
26. I understand.
27. This movie has too much nudity.
28. Damn, were late for church.
29. No. I don't want to see your sister's tits.
30. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
31. Oversized T-shirts are so sexy, especially on really fat chicks.
32. Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!
 



Lovely things to do to a woman you really care about...

* Return her phone calls after a delay -- if at all -- to show her who's
  in charge.

* When you do call her, don't feel obligated to stop talking with
  whomever is in the room with you. Provide her the luxury of listening
  to your half of an ongoing conversation.

* Call her answering machine and leave a message for an old girlfriend
  by mistake. Get angry if her line is ever busy and you can't get
  through when you call. Then get even angrier when she finally gets
  call waiting and puts you on hold.

* When you're over her house and her phone rings, ask accusingly, "I
  wonder who THAT could be?"

* During those first few moments of intimacy, when she asks if you have
  protection and you don't, lie. She won't mind once things get going.

* Stake your claim: leave a "love bite" high up on her neck or some
  other noticeable place.

* Answer her phone at 6 a.m. when her mother calls.

* At the beach, offer to rub suntan lotion on her back. Spread it on in
  nifty patterns.

* Tell the waiter you're both ready to order when she's obviously not.
  Order for her at dinner without asking her what she'd like to eat.

* Act insulted when she swoons over Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon, then
  whistle loudly and wave at Michelle Pfeiffer during Batman Returns.

* Share a story about something great you did together, then, seeing her
  puzzled expression, say, "Oh I guess that wasn't you after all.

* "Talk to the dog instead of her. Say "The dog likes ME better.

* "Be sure to greet her when she gets home from work with the three
  words no woman can hear often enough: "What's for dinner?"

* Ask her to make you apple pie like your mom used to make, then grimace
  after tasting it.

* Leave the toilet seat up, especially during the night-- she's more
  likely to fall in that way.

* Forget which day her birthday is, then send a belated greeting with a
  sorrowful-eyed kitten on it.

* Use the vacation money you've both been saving to buy a laserdisc
  player.

* Talk baby talk to her when she's in a bad mood.

* "Accidentally" read her diary, then confront her about its contents.

* Act like nothing is wrong after a big fight. Say, "Wanna go to a
  movie?

* "When she's sticking to her diet and you're out on the town together,
  be sure to order her favorite dessert for yourself.

* Recommend your ex-girlfriend's exercise class to her. Buy her a "Buns
  of Steel"workout tape. Then buy her the Cindy Crawford workout tape
  for your own viewing pleasure.

* As you fondle her breasts during an intimate  moment, murmur in her
  ear: "Ah, the smaller the grapes, the sweeter the wine.

* "Tell her you're not impressed by gorgeous, slender glamour girls,
  you'd rather come home to HER.

* Give her other backhanded compliments, such as "Black is so slimming"
  or "Your skin has really cleared up.

* "Leave your underwear all over the floor and complain "This place is
  a mess."

* Sleep with your arms around her like an octopus, so when she wakes up,
  her whole body has gone to sleep.

* Push her head down to indicate you'd like a blowjob.

* Call out another woman's name at the moment of climax.

* Call out a man's name at the moment of climax.

* If it was all over in 30 seconds or less, dare to ask, "Was it good
  for you?"

* Say, "Honey, I introduced you to my parents as my FRIEND because I
  think of you as a friend. A really good friend. You're a girl and
  you're my friend. They know you're a girl, so I just say 'friend.'"





Manly Quiz:
Are you an unreconstructed, right-on, rogue male or a delivery boy of 
the new male order? Are you a man or a louse? Find out below:

1. A woman whispers "Fuck me now, big boy..." in your ear. 
She is obviously:
 a) Short sighted
 b) Attempting to overcome a lack of self esteem through meaningless
    sexual gratification
 c) Begging for it
 d) A recording

2. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
 a) Sex
 b) Fucking
 c) Enclosure
 d) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

3. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
 a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
 b) Your Blood-test results
 c) A cab
 d) Five tequila slammers

4. You time your orgasm so that:
 a) Your partner climaxes first
 b) You both climax simultaneously
 c) The director can set up for a close-up
 d) You don't miss Sportsnight

5. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
 a) Strictly for cats
 b) Healthy, creative love-play
 c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to
 d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

6. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
 a) The best part of the experience
 b) The second best part of the experience
 c) A loathsome chore
 d) $100 extra

7. Your girlfriend says she's gained 4 pounds in weight in the last month. 
You tell her that it is:
 a) No concern of yours
 b) No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend
 c) No problem - she can join your gym
 d) A conservative estimate

8. Today's sensitive, caring man is:
 a) An ideal to which you aspire
 b) A myth
 c) An oxymoron
 d) A moron

9. Your girlfriend announces that she is pregnant. Do you:
 a) Take her in your arms and say: "Oh darling, this is the 
    happiest day of my life..."
 b) Take her to bed and say: "I might as well get hung for
    a sheep as a lamb..."
 c) Take her to the abortion clinic
 d) Take her phone number and tell her you'll get back to her

10. A prostitute is:
 a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression
 b) Someone who provides an essential service
 c) A cheap date
 d) A valued employee

11. A wife is:
 a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression
 b) Someone who provides an essential service
 c) A cheap date
 d) A valued employee

12. Masturbation is:
 a) Sex with someone you love
 b) A healthy exploration of your erogenous zones
 c) A team sport
 d) A cheap date

13. How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm?
 a) When she drops her nail file
 b) When she goes the colour of a Chicago Bulls uniform
 c) When the Earth moves
 d) Who cares?

14. It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you:
 a) Call her
 b) Call your lawyer
 c) Call your doctor
 d) Call your wife

15. Which of the following lines best fits into your 
ideal role-playing sexual fantasy:
 a) "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn..."
 b) "I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..."
 c) "You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep...."
 d) "Another consonant please, Vanna...."

16. You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes to $300.
Do you expect:
 a) An overdraft
 b) A blow job
 c) Her to pay next time
 d) A thank-you letter

17. You call your penis:
 a) John Thomas
 b) Terry-Thomas
 c) Massive
 d) On its birthday

18. Foreplay is to sex as:
 a) Priming is to painting
 b) Appetiser is to entree
 c) Trailer is to feature
 d) A queue is to an amusement park ride

19. The slogan that sums up your sexual mores is:
 a) Free Lorena Bobbitt
 b) Free Mike Tyson
 c) Free Willy
 d) Free condom with this survey

20. During sex you:
 a) Haggle
 b) Talk dirty
 c) Talk of love
 d) Talk on the phone

21. Your local MP (Mayor) is involved in a lurid sex scandal. You are:
 a) Outraged
 b) Implicated
 c) Jealous
 d) A Labour voter anyway

22. A woman who consents to having sex with you when she is drunk is:
 a) Easier
 b) Unfortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement
 c) Fortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement
 d) A tricky defence in court

23. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself 
saying at the end of a relationship?
 a) "I hope we can still be friends."
 b) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."
 c) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
 d) "Keep the change."

24. At what point do you put on the condom?:
 a) Before you go out
 b) Before you pass out
 c) As a party trick
 d) Never

25. You wake to find your partner clutching your penis in one hand 
and a carving knife in the other. Do you:
 a) Talk through her anger
 b) Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it
 c) Ask her to put down the offensive weapon
 d) Ask her to put down the knife

26. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
 a) Is uptight and a waste of time
 b) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that 
    sort of intimacy
 c) May need glasses
d) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place




HERE'S A QUICK QUIZ FOR THE "GENTLE"MEN....

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
 a)    Lovemaking
 b)    Screwing
 c)    The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
 a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
 b) Your blood-test results
 c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
 a) Your partner climaxes first
 b) You both climax simultaneously
 c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
 a) Healthy, creative love-play
 b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
 c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
 a) The best part of the experience
 b) The second best part of the experience
 c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the
last month. You tell her that it is:
 a) No concern of yours
 b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
 c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
 a) A myth
 b) An oxymoron
 c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
 a) Appetiser is to entree
 b) Priming is to painting
 c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
saying at the end of a relationship?
 a) "I hope we can still be friends."
 b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone..."
 c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
 a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that
    sort of intimacy
 b) Is uptight and a waste of time
 c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

  If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure
you really are a man.
  If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're
still a little confused.
  If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.




Why its great to be a guy!

Phone conversations last 30 seconds

You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase

Bathroom lines are 80% shorter

You can open all your own jars

Old friends don't give a shit if you've lost or gained weight

When clicking thru the channels you don't have to stop on
every shot of someone crying

You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you
everywhere you go

You can go to the bathroom alone

Your last name stays put

You can leave a hotel room bed unmade

You can kill your own food

The garage is all yours

You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness

You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"

You never have to clean the toilet

You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes

Wedding plans take care of themselves

If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can
still be your friend

Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3

You don't have to shave below your neck

You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night

If you're 34 and single, no one notices

Chocolate is just another snack

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat

Flowers fix everything (or duct tape)

You never have to worry about other's feelings

Three pair of shoes are more than enough

You can say anything and not worry about what people think

You can whip your shirt off on a hot day

Car mechanics tell you the truth

You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new
haircut

You can watch a game in silence for hours without your
buddy thinking, "He must be mad at me"

One mood, all the time

You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve
yourself to look like him

Gray hair and wrinkles add character

Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks

You don't care if someone is talking behind your back

You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's

If you retain water, it is in a canteen

The remote is yours and yours alone

You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to
the bathroom

If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he
won't tell your friends you've changed

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected

If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with
a hammer and throw it across the room

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet

You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog
is funny

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit,
you might become lifelong buddies

None of your coworkers have the power to make you cry

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

You can be president.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Foreplay is optional.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's 
just too icky.

Same work... more pay.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice
anything different?"



Men are complex creatures

If you kiss him, you are easy
If you don't, you are frigid
If you praise him, he thinks you are fake
If you don't, he thinks you are ungrateful
If you agree to all his likes, you are submissive
If you don't, you are queen-control-ing
If you visit him often, he thinks you're desperate
If you don't, he thinks you're not interested
If you are well dressed, he says you are vain
If you don't, you are a dog
If you are jealous, he say's you're possessive
If you're not, then he fools around
If you attempt a romance, he say's you are cheap
If you don't, he thinks you are cold
If you are a minute late, he says you are fussy
If he is late, he says you're impatient
If you visit another man, you are fooling around
If he is visited by another woman, "oh we're just friends"
If you kiss him once in a while, he says you're too shy
If you kiss him often, he says you're too forward
If he fails to help you in crossing the street, he brings up
 the feminist movement
If he does, he expects to be rewarded
If you stare at another woman, he says you're jealous
If he is stared by other men, boy, you're in big trouble..
If you talk, it's always too much
If you listen, it's never enough
In short:
So complex, yet so predictable
So macho, yet so sensitive (usually to their own feelings)
So confusing, yet so funny
but most of all,
So irritating, yet so irresistable...
...MEN!




PLAYGIRL, INC.
January 31, 1994

Dear Mrs. Smith,

  We wish to thank you for your letter and the polaroid picture 
of your husband.  We agree that his appearance in our March issue
as the Playgirl's "Man of the Month" centerfold would have been 
a truly fitting way for you to honor your 65th anniversary of 
wedded bliss.

  We submitted the picture to our various panels of judges as 
is our routine procedure, with the following results:

  When rated by our panel of average American women (ages 25 
to 40) on a scale from 1 to 10, his body was rated a -2.

  To further justify our ratings we submitted your photograph to
another panel of women in the age bracket of 45 to 100, but we
couldn't get them to stop laughing long enough to take the time 
to rate him.

  The Old American Women panel, aged 70 to 100, widowed for over
twenty years, said "we'll retain our widowed status!"

  The Organization of Nude Portrait Painters (thinking perhaps 
they could touch up the picture), said "We can't perform 
miracles!"

  We therefore regret that we will not be able to satisfy your
request for Bob on his 65th wedding anniversary.  We do, however,
invite you to submit other pictures for Playgirl's centerfold.
However, please be advised that the minimum requirement is that 
the staple used to hold the centerfold in place in the magazine 
cannot completely obliterate what we refer to as "the item of 
interest" as it would in Bob's case.

Yours truly,

Hortense Blake, 
Editor
Playgirl, Incorporated




Trojan Condoms Inc. 
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Droptrouser, NC 22269


Dear Sir,

  We regret to inform you that we have rejected your 
application to model and represent our product, TROJAN 
CONDOMS.
  Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our 
Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product 
the advertisement does not portray a positive, romantic 
image for our product.  A loose baggy and wrinkled condom 
is not considered romantic. We did admire your efforts to 
try and firm it up by using Polygrip, but even then it 
slipped half off before you could get the photographs taken.  
We would like to note, however, that yours is the first we've 
seen that looked like a bicycle grip.  We appreciate your 
interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your 
application for future consideration, if by chance we decide 
that there is a market for micro-mini condoms.

  We send greetings and our deepest sympathy.

Yours very truly,

Burley Dick, President
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.



Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T say out loud in Victoria's Secret:

10  Does this come in children's sizes?
9   No Thanks.  Just Sniffing.
8   I'll be in the dressing room going blind. (think about it.)
7   Mom will love this.
6   Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it?
5   No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
4   Will you model this for me???
3   Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
2   45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
1   The Miracle What???  This is better than world peace!!




Are You a Real Guy?
                        
Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth,
and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of
intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but
incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all
disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping 
out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression 
and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
 a. Present it to the president of the United States.
 b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
 c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do
   you miss the most?
 a. Innocence.
 b. Idealism.
 c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
 a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without
    regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
 b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
 c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is 
    the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for 
    business reasons, you have to have him killed.


4. What about hugging another male?
 a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal 
    disease.
 b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this
    case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food
    trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
 c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits
    a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided 
    that (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are 
    wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally 
    with your fist hard enough to cause bruising.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
 a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
 b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
 c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
 a. A cat.
 b. A dog.
 c. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's 
attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with 
her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking 
it easy-- you're watching a football game; she's reading the 
papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you 
that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear 
the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.
She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only 
whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. 
  What do you say?
 a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future,
    but you don't want to rush it.
 b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you
    cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a
    lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out
    false hope.
 c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third
    and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and 
you want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the 
joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all 
the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, 
come what may.
 How do you tell her?
 a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
 b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her
    name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her
    hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
 c. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks
   you to get your three children ready for school. Your first
   question to her is:
 a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
 b. "They're in school already?"
 c. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
 a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
    holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally
    intended for your legs.
 b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules
    and has to be handled with tweezers.
 c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
    checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not 
    naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to 
    discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because 
    the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than 
    with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for
the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for
forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
 a. He was being tested.
 b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when
    they finally got there.
 c. He refused to ask directions.

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
 a. Democracy.
 b. Religion.
 c. Remote control.

How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked 
answer "c."  A real guy would score at least 10 on this test.  
In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would 
get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the 
guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.




A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are 
present.



A Women's Little Instruction Book (excerpts)

* Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the 
do-it-yourself types.

* The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're 
sick of him.

* A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her
husband to do.

* If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.

* Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature 
anyway.

* Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so 
you can tell them apart.

* Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the 
bath to pee.

* Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work
of five men -- a woman.

* There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong,
caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them.

* Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially
violent, but they make great pets.

* Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells 
per man.

* Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone
else's.

* If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day and he
will be back to his usual self.

*  If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at you 
all of a sudden he is probably checking out the women behind you.




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