THE BACHELOR COMMANDMENTS
1. Thou shalt always fool around on your girlfriend (that way
when she dumps you, you can always get the last laugh).
2. Thou shalt not hose thy girlfriends friends unless you're
sure you can get away with it AND you do it in her bed.
3. Thou shalt never spend more than $100 without first getting
in her pants.
4. Thou shalt never marry the first girl you hose after getting
out of a "slump."
5. Thou shalt never admit to being in a slump, it is always
a "lull."
6. Thou shalt always have beer in the fridge.
7. Thou shalt always blow off your girlfriend at least once a
month to get drunk with your buddies.
8. Thou shalt always forget to call when performing the previous
commandment.
9. Thou shalt never admit to "hogging," it is always "a
temporary alcohol induced craving."
10. Thou shalt never go on a blind date with someone described as
having "a good personality."
11. Thou shalt never turn down steady pussy until it violates
number four or number ten.
12. Thou shalt never eat anything high in fiber or low in
cholesterol.
13. Thou shalt never drink non-alcoholic beer.
14. Thou shalt never covet thy neighbor's wife unless she
covets back.
15. Thou shalt always leave the seat up.
The ten most common lies men tell women in bed:
1) You'll be so much more comfortable wearing this dog collar.
2) Butt-fucking is lots of fun!
3) If you won't suck my cock, you couldn't possibly love me.
4) I like it when you let your teeth scrape against my cock.
5) I think your hairy legs and armpits are sexy.
6) You're not fat, you are voluptuous.
7) Mensural blood doesn't bother me in the least.
8) She's just my secretary.
9) I promise not to cum in your mouth.
10) I'll call you.
How Men Really Think
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know
which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see
how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money.
She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works,
and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for
you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player,
a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says,
"I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you
so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock
market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and
reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the
money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent
the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
How To Talk About Men And Still Be Politically Correct
He is not a bad dancer;
he is Overly Caucasian.
He is not a cradle robber;
he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He is not a male chauvinist pig;
he has Swine Empathy.
He is not a redneck;
he is a Genetically-Related American.
He is not a sex machine;
he is Romantically Automated.
He is not afraid of commitment;
he is Monogamously Challenged.
He is not balding;
he is in Follicle Regression.
He is not quiet;
he is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is not short
he is Anatomically Compact.
He is not stupid;
he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He is not unsophisticated;
he is Socially Malformed.
He does not act like a total ass;
he develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
He does not constantly talk about cars;
he has a Vehicular Addiction.
He does not eat like a pig;
he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He does not fart and belch;
he is Gastronomically Expressive.
He does not get falling-down drunk;
he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He does not get lost all the time;
he discovers Alternative Destinations.
He does not have a fabulous rear end;
he has achieved Buttocks Perfection.
He does not have a beer gut;
he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He does not have a rich daddy;
he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.
He does not have a hot body;
he is Physically Combustible.
He does not hog the blankets;
he is Thermally Unappreciative.
His jeans are not too tight;
he is Anatomically Undercirculated.
You do not buy him a drink;
you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.
You do not kiss him;
you become Facially Conjoined.
You do not undress him with your eyes;
you have an Introspective Pornographic Moment.
The Perfect Man
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on to you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry
Or hurt you in any way
To hell with this endless poem
The perfect man is gay
Why Men Can't Win
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your
butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you appreciate feminine frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're strange.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
If you change your mind, you're "wishi-washi".
If she changes her mind, she's flexible.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
10 THINGS THAT SUCK ABOUT BEING A GUY!
1) You have to take out the garbage.
2) The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
3) No sofas in your restrooms.
4) External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
5) Even if you get you head caught in an industrial wood chipper,
you're not allowed to cry.
6) James Bond movies only come out every 2 years.
7) Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.
8) You have to wear ties.
9) You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
10) "Women and children first."
Why are men such jerks?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer
from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a
male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching
and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just
misunderstood.
Why do men always have to ogle at other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the
testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides,
women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught.
I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take
one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this
ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated
by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
Why are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you
get into trouble with your partner.
Why do men have to act like such retards?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the
old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the
world nowadays.
Why can't men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and
women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have
no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like
rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel.
Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as
much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for
hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave...
Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the
other hand is a whole other story.
How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that
enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In
prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended
periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were
able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing
on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by
saber toothed tigers etcetera. The end result is that almost all modern
men are born with this innate ability.
Why can't men just say "I love you?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that
we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider
that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character
faults.
Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your
questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like
the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know
darn well you'll pick it up.
What's with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let
you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually
a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives
us stomach cramps.
Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go
out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to
look at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying?
Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?
Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat
is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a
function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer
that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's
actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all
over the seat. You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should
appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please.
Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?
Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are
generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and
doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world
on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb
male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't
get). What more could any of us males ask for?
Why do men act like they own the remote control?
What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths of the law.
Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just
anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control
is to arm wrestle for it.
Why can't men stay on a single channel for more
than two seconds?
Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We
could miss it if we stay on one
channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?)
Why do men fear commitment?
Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and
can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you
think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster,
better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to
purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a
few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a
slight chance
of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to
lease and upgrade to the younger... err... I mean newer models every couple
of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags.
What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"
Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically
repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide
adequate protection.
Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?
As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with
ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so
obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are
always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal
treatment for the stupid people either.
Why do men like younger women?
Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily
impressed. They're also perky, energetic, and come with very little
baggage. And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.
Why do men only have one thing on their minds?
While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may
only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of
other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite
often.
How can men possibly find that other woman attractive
(i.e. whatever do you see in that fat pig)?
Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are
ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few
attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think
evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of
the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness.
Why are men such dogs?
I resent that. Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and
obedient...
WHY DOES HE ALWAYS HAVE TO...
Be dressed and ready to go before you are?
Put ketchup on everything except rice pudding?
Get off the phone in a microsecond if he answers when your mother calls?
Pretend he likes stars like Julia Roberts and Sharon Stone because
of their acting ability?
Drive 20 miles over the speed limit?
Act as if his razor is priceless and should never be touched?
Toss change, keys, credit cards, on the dresser, no matter how many
charming containers you provide?
Hand you the "living section" when you ask for part of the paper?
Make elaborate snacks the minute you've finished cleaning the kitchen?
Be such a charmer with your best friend after you've privately told
her what a beast he's been all week?
Drink milk from the carton with great gusto?
Not understand the "toilet-seat thing"?
Assume you will take care of gifts, cards, and flowers for his family?
Want you to make a fuss when he does some little household chore
unasked?
Say "I am listening to you" when he's not?
Get lost rather than ask directions?
Wait until you are dressed and made-up to suggest a quickie?
Put clothes on top of the hamper instead of in it?
Talk obsessively about traffic and traffic routes with other men (as
in, "Did you take Route Seven?")
Wash all the dishes in the sink, but leave the big, dirty pots and
pans for you?
Be convinced, no matter what you tell him, bigger is better?
Stand at the refrigerator, shouting, "Honey, where's the mustard?"
when it's right in front of him?
Turn the volume way down on the TV or stereo if he feels like
talking, as if you weren't really listening anyway?
Spend hours measuring and making minute pencil marks on the wall
when you ask him to hang up a few framed photos, then plop on the
couch for the rest of the weekend with the weariness of a man who's
just single-handedly built the railroad?
Take charge of everybody's automatic window buttons in the car?
Say "I'm starving" the minute you walk in the door?
Revert to the age of two during minor illnesses...as in: "Bring me
homemade lemonade with lots of ice and a bendy straw!" or "People have
actually died from a sprained toe, ya know!"?
Hit the shower immediately after sex?
Be sent to the store with a detailed grocery list and return with
four six-packs, an economy-size bag of generic taco chips, and twelve
Popsicles?
Constantly ask, "Where'd I put my keys? as though you watch his every move?
Complain there's nothing on TV but continue to watch (and channel
surf) for the rest of the evening?
Observe that you have a closet full of stuff you never wear just as
you're leaving to go shopping?
Leave his shoes in the living room?
Eat the last piece of leftover chicken and stick the saran-wrapped
empty plate back in the fridge?
Readjust himself (private parts) in front of you as if you're not looking?
Forget to zip his fly?
Accuse you of having PMS?
Hold an umbrella over you so that the rain invariably drips down your neck?
Tell you to "Shhh" until the next commercial - even if what you have
to say is important?
Make horrible little hissing sounds when he's bored?
Just thought it was, again, a good time to remind you and to help you
gain a better appreciation for the role us guys make play day in and
day out. Down through history men have made the TOUGH choices and
have never received the kind of credit that was due them. Allow me,
if you will, to list a few of those thankless choices I refer to:
1. Who decides to let their dirty socks lay in the middle of the
bedroom floor so as to make it easier for you to pick them up.
The man does of course! Have we ever received any thanks for
this. Nope.
2. Who makes the decision to mow the lawn across the corner to
create a neat pattern, (to impress the neighbor) or to
simply mow from left to right and then from right to left?
A recent study done by historians, from the Smithsonian
Institute, reveals that 95.72% of the time...these tough
decisions are made by the man.
3. Who, pray tell, has mastered the TV remote control as has the
man? In so doing he must make decisions as to what programs
to watch so as to maintain fairness for all and maintain a
healthy viewing diet....It not only takes the wisdom of
Solomon to do this but great dexterity!
4. Who is willing to prop his feet up on the coffee table so you
can sweep the floors unobstructed. The man, right?
5. Who forces himself to stay out of the kitchen so as to allow
you to prepare the meal as your heart desires. The man of course.
6. Who, but a man, denies his primal instincts to help you set
the table at mealtime just so it's done the way YOU want it to
be done and then makes the tough decision to NOT help wash the
dishes afterwards, so that the dishes will be put away in their
proper place, clean.
As you can see, I could keep on with this list but I believe
these examples clearly show that we are capable of being
responsible individuals as being willing to make the really tough
decisions in life. We don't seek praise or demand any awards....but
it is instructive to, once in a while, review the great contributions
we make in the over all efficient operation of the family unit!
I trust we understand each other better as a result of this
dialogue!
Things you will never hear a man say.
01. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
02. No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
03. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
04. Her tits are just too big.
05. Sometimes I just want to be held.
06. That chick on "Murder She Wrote" gives me a woody.
07. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
08. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can
hold your purse.
09. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Melrose Place.
10. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions.
11. It's late, put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
12. Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons?
13. What happened to my old Nancy Drew books?
14. Do these jeans come in lavender?
15. I love jogging dear, but I can't keep up with you, you go on ahead.
16. This shower curtain doesn't have enough frills on it.
17. Damn, too bad this car isn't a four cylinder.
18. My butt's too big, don't lie, it's true. I know my butt's too big.
19. It's OK, I'll sleep in the wet spot.
20. I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
21. I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
22. Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
23. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open
when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
24. No way, you weeded the garden last week, it's my turn.
25. Better get ride of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look
at them anymore.
26. I understand.
27. This movie has too much nudity.
28. Damn, were late for church.
29. No. I don't want to see your sister's tits.
30. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
31. Oversized T-shirts are so sexy, especially on really fat chicks.
32. Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!
Lovely things to do to a woman you really care about...
* Return her phone calls after a delay -- if at all -- to show her who's
in charge.
* When you do call her, don't feel obligated to stop talking with
whomever is in the room with you. Provide her the luxury of listening
to your half of an ongoing conversation.
* Call her answering machine and leave a message for an old girlfriend
by mistake. Get angry if her line is ever busy and you can't get
through when you call. Then get even angrier when she finally gets
call waiting and puts you on hold.
* When you're over her house and her phone rings, ask accusingly, "I
wonder who THAT could be?"
* During those first few moments of intimacy, when she asks if you have
protection and you don't, lie. She won't mind once things get going.
* Stake your claim: leave a "love bite" high up on her neck or some
other noticeable place.
* Answer her phone at 6 a.m. when her mother calls.
* At the beach, offer to rub suntan lotion on her back. Spread it on in
nifty patterns.
* Tell the waiter you're both ready to order when she's obviously not.
Order for her at dinner without asking her what she'd like to eat.
* Act insulted when she swoons over Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon, then
whistle loudly and wave at Michelle Pfeiffer during Batman Returns.
* Share a story about something great you did together, then, seeing her
puzzled expression, say, "Oh I guess that wasn't you after all.
* "Talk to the dog instead of her. Say "The dog likes ME better.
* "Be sure to greet her when she gets home from work with the three
words no woman can hear often enough: "What's for dinner?"
* Ask her to make you apple pie like your mom used to make, then grimace
after tasting it.
* Leave the toilet seat up, especially during the night-- she's more
likely to fall in that way.
* Forget which day her birthday is, then send a belated greeting with a
sorrowful-eyed kitten on it.
* Use the vacation money you've both been saving to buy a laserdisc
player.
* Talk baby talk to her when she's in a bad mood.
* "Accidentally" read her diary, then confront her about its contents.
* Act like nothing is wrong after a big fight. Say, "Wanna go to a
movie?
* "When she's sticking to her diet and you're out on the town together,
be sure to order her favorite dessert for yourself.
* Recommend your ex-girlfriend's exercise class to her. Buy her a "Buns
of Steel"workout tape. Then buy her the Cindy Crawford workout tape
for your own viewing pleasure.
* As you fondle her breasts during an intimate moment, murmur in her
ear: "Ah, the smaller the grapes, the sweeter the wine.
* "Tell her you're not impressed by gorgeous, slender glamour girls,
you'd rather come home to HER.
* Give her other backhanded compliments, such as "Black is so slimming"
or "Your skin has really cleared up.
* "Leave your underwear all over the floor and complain "This place is
a mess."
* Sleep with your arms around her like an octopus, so when she wakes up,
her whole body has gone to sleep.
* Push her head down to indicate you'd like a blowjob.
* Call out another woman's name at the moment of climax.
* Call out a man's name at the moment of climax.
* If it was all over in 30 seconds or less, dare to ask, "Was it good
for you?"
* Say, "Honey, I introduced you to my parents as my FRIEND because I
think of you as a friend. A really good friend. You're a girl and
you're my friend. They know you're a girl, so I just say 'friend.'"
Manly Quiz:
Are you an unreconstructed, right-on, rogue male or a delivery boy of
the new male order? Are you a man or a louse? Find out below:
1. A woman whispers "Fuck me now, big boy..." in your ear.
She is obviously:
a) Short sighted
b) Attempting to overcome a lack of self esteem through meaningless
sexual gratification
c) Begging for it
d) A recording
2. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Sex
b) Fucking
c) Enclosure
d) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
3. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your Blood-test results
c) A cab
d) Five tequila slammers
4. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) The director can set up for a close-up
d) You don't miss Sportsnight
5. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Strictly for cats
b) Healthy, creative love-play
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to
d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
6. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) A loathsome chore
d) $100 extra
7. Your girlfriend says she's gained 4 pounds in weight in the last month.
You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend
c) No problem - she can join your gym
d) A conservative estimate
8. Today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) An ideal to which you aspire
b) A myth
c) An oxymoron
d) A moron
9. Your girlfriend announces that she is pregnant. Do you:
a) Take her in your arms and say: "Oh darling, this is the
happiest day of my life..."
b) Take her to bed and say: "I might as well get hung for
a sheep as a lamb..."
c) Take her to the abortion clinic
d) Take her phone number and tell her you'll get back to her
10. A prostitute is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression
b) Someone who provides an essential service
c) A cheap date
d) A valued employee
11. A wife is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression
b) Someone who provides an essential service
c) A cheap date
d) A valued employee
12. Masturbation is:
a) Sex with someone you love
b) A healthy exploration of your erogenous zones
c) A team sport
d) A cheap date
13. How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm?
a) When she drops her nail file
b) When she goes the colour of a Chicago Bulls uniform
c) When the Earth moves
d) Who cares?
14. It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you:
a) Call her
b) Call your lawyer
c) Call your doctor
d) Call your wife
15. Which of the following lines best fits into your
ideal role-playing sexual fantasy:
a) "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn..."
b) "I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..."
c) "You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep...."
d) "Another consonant please, Vanna...."
16. You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes to $300.
Do you expect:
a) An overdraft
b) A blow job
c) Her to pay next time
d) A thank-you letter
17. You call your penis:
a) John Thomas
b) Terry-Thomas
c) Massive
d) On its birthday
18. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Priming is to painting
b) Appetiser is to entree
c) Trailer is to feature
d) A queue is to an amusement park ride
19. The slogan that sums up your sexual mores is:
a) Free Lorena Bobbitt
b) Free Mike Tyson
c) Free Willy
d) Free condom with this survey
20. During sex you:
a) Haggle
b) Talk dirty
c) Talk of love
d) Talk on the phone
21. Your local MP (Mayor) is involved in a lurid sex scandal. You are:
a) Outraged
b) Implicated
c) Jealous
d) A Labour voter anyway
22. A woman who consents to having sex with you when she is drunk is:
a) Easier
b) Unfortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement
c) Fortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement
d) A tricky defence in court
23. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."
c) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
d) "Keep the change."
24. At what point do you put on the condom?:
a) Before you go out
b) Before you pass out
c) As a party trick
d) Never
25. You wake to find your partner clutching your penis in one hand
and a carving knife in the other. Do you:
a) Talk through her anger
b) Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it
c) Ask her to put down the offensive weapon
d) Ask her to put down the knife
26. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Is uptight and a waste of time
b) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that
sort of intimacy
c) May need glasses
d) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
HERE'S A QUICK QUIZ FOR THE "GENTLE"MEN....
1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the
last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetiser is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone..."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that
sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure
you really are a man.
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're
still a little confused.
If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.
Why its great to be a guy!
Phone conversations last 30 seconds
You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
You can open all your own jars
Old friends don't give a shit if you've lost or gained weight
When clicking thru the channels you don't have to stop on
every shot of someone crying
You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you
everywhere you go
You can go to the bathroom alone
Your last name stays put
You can leave a hotel room bed unmade
You can kill your own food
The garage is all yours
You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness
You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"
You never have to clean the toilet
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
Wedding plans take care of themselves
If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can
still be your friend
Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3
You don't have to shave below your neck
You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night
If you're 34 and single, no one notices
Chocolate is just another snack
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
Flowers fix everything (or duct tape)
You never have to worry about other's feelings
Three pair of shoes are more than enough
You can say anything and not worry about what people think
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
Car mechanics tell you the truth
You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new
haircut
You can watch a game in silence for hours without your
buddy thinking, "He must be mad at me"
One mood, all the time
You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve
yourself to look like him
Gray hair and wrinkles add character
Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks
You don't care if someone is talking behind your back
You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's
If you retain water, it is in a canteen
The remote is yours and yours alone
You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to
the bathroom
If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he
won't tell your friends you've changed
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with
a hammer and throw it across the room
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog
is funny
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit,
you might become lifelong buddies
None of your coworkers have the power to make you cry
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
just too icky.
Same work... more pay.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice
anything different?"
Men are complex creatures
If you kiss him, you are easy
If you don't, you are frigid
If you praise him, he thinks you are fake
If you don't, he thinks you are ungrateful
If you agree to all his likes, you are submissive
If you don't, you are queen-control-ing
If you visit him often, he thinks you're desperate
If you don't, he thinks you're not interested
If you are well dressed, he says you are vain
If you don't, you are a dog
If you are jealous, he say's you're possessive
If you're not, then he fools around
If you attempt a romance, he say's you are cheap
If you don't, he thinks you are cold
If you are a minute late, he says you are fussy
If he is late, he says you're impatient
If you visit another man, you are fooling around
If he is visited by another woman, "oh we're just friends"
If you kiss him once in a while, he says you're too shy
If you kiss him often, he says you're too forward
If he fails to help you in crossing the street, he brings up
the feminist movement
If he does, he expects to be rewarded
If you stare at another woman, he says you're jealous
If he is stared by other men, boy, you're in big trouble..
If you talk, it's always too much
If you listen, it's never enough
In short:
So complex, yet so predictable
So macho, yet so sensitive (usually to their own feelings)
So confusing, yet so funny
but most of all,
So irritating, yet so irresistable...
...MEN!
PLAYGIRL, INC.
January 31, 1994
Dear Mrs. Smith,
We wish to thank you for your letter and the polaroid picture
of your husband. We agree that his appearance in our March issue
as the Playgirl's "Man of the Month" centerfold would have been
a truly fitting way for you to honor your 65th anniversary of
wedded bliss.
We submitted the picture to our various panels of judges as
is our routine procedure, with the following results:
When rated by our panel of average American women (ages 25
to 40) on a scale from 1 to 10, his body was rated a -2.
To further justify our ratings we submitted your photograph to
another panel of women in the age bracket of 45 to 100, but we
couldn't get them to stop laughing long enough to take the time
to rate him.
The Old American Women panel, aged 70 to 100, widowed for over
twenty years, said "we'll retain our widowed status!"
The Organization of Nude Portrait Painters (thinking perhaps
they could touch up the picture), said "We can't perform
miracles!"
We therefore regret that we will not be able to satisfy your
request for Bob on his 65th wedding anniversary. We do, however,
invite you to submit other pictures for Playgirl's centerfold.
However, please be advised that the minimum requirement is that
the staple used to hold the centerfold in place in the magazine
cannot completely obliterate what we refer to as "the item of
interest" as it would in Bob's case.
Yours truly,
Hortense Blake,
Editor
Playgirl, Incorporated
Trojan Condoms Inc.
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Droptrouser, NC 22269
Dear Sir,
We regret to inform you that we have rejected your
application to model and represent our product, TROJAN
CONDOMS.
Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our
Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product
the advertisement does not portray a positive, romantic
image for our product. A loose baggy and wrinkled condom
is not considered romantic. We did admire your efforts to
try and firm it up by using Polygrip, but even then it
slipped half off before you could get the photographs taken.
We would like to note, however, that yours is the first we've
seen that looked like a bicycle grip. We appreciate your
interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your
application for future consideration, if by chance we decide
that there is a market for micro-mini condoms.
We send greetings and our deepest sympathy.
Yours very truly,
Burley Dick, President
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.
Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
10 Does this come in children's sizes?
9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind. (think about it.)
7 Mom will love this.
6 Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it?
5 No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
4 Will you model this for me???
3 Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
1 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
Are You a Real Guy?
Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth,
and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of
intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but
incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all
disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping
out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression
and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do
you miss the most?
a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without
regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is
the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for
business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal
disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this
case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food
trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits
a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided
that (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are
wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally
with your fist hard enough to cause bruising.
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's
attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with
her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking
it easy-- you're watching a football game; she's reading the
papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you
that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear
the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.
She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only
whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.
What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future,
but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you
cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a
lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out
false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third
and seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and
you want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the
joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all
the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer,
come what may.
How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her
name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her
hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks
you to get your three children ready for school. Your first
question to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally
intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules
and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not
naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to
discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because
the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than
with her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for
the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for
forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when
they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.
How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked
answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test.
In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would
get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the
guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are
present.
A Women's Little Instruction Book (excerpts)
* Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the
do-it-yourself types.
* The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're
sick of him.
* A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her
husband to do.
* If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.
* Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature
anyway.
* Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so
you can tell them apart.
* Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the
bath to pee.
* Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work
of five men -- a woman.
* There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong,
caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them.
* Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially
violent, but they make great pets.
* Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells
per man.
* Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone
else's.
* If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day and he
will be back to his usual self.
* If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at you
all of a sudden he is probably checking out the women behind you.
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