Is Better Than...

  

Why coffee is better than women?


You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.

Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.

A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.

You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.

You can always warm coffee up.

Coffee comes with endless refills.

Coffee is cheaper.

You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.

Coffee never runs out.

Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.

You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.

You can make coffee as sweet as you want.

You can smoke while drinking coffee.

You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.

Coffee tastes good.

You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.

If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.

You can always get fresh coffee.

You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when 
 you get back.

They sell coffee at police stations.

You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.

Coffee goes down easier.

If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.

No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.

A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.

Your coffee doesn't talk to you.

Coffee smells good in the morning.

Coffee is good when it's cold too.

Coffee stains are easier to remove.

Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.

Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.

Coffee doesn't shed.

Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.

You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.

Coffee doesn't mind being ground.

No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.

Coffee doesn't have a time of the month...it's good all the time.

When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.

When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a lump in the back 
 of your throat.

Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.

Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.

INSTANT COFFEE!

It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.

Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.




  

Why Beer is Better than Men


A beer always goes down easy.

A beer can't interrupt.

A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.

A beer doesn't have to sleep with the windows open.

A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.

A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.

A beer doesn't snore.

A beer doesn't sulk.

A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.

A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.

A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.

A beer never needs a shave.

A beer tastes good.

A beer will only come when you want it to.

A beer won't switch the TV channel.

A beer would never make fun of your new outfit.

A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.

A beer's life does not revolve around the football.

Having a beer can't make you pregnant.

Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower.

When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer 
  doesn't make you ill.

A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.

A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.

A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet spot IT makes.

A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.

A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.

If a beer had a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.

A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburetor.

A beer doesn't belch. Or fart.

A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.

A good beer is easy to find.




  

Why Cucumbers are Better than Beer


Cucumbers won't give you a hangover.

Cucumbers have fewer calories.

Your wife won't complain about you sitting around all day 
 watching TV and eating cucumbers.

You can grow your own cucumbers without buying lots of equipment.

Your wife won't complain that your breath stinks of cucumbers.

You can eat as many cucumbers as you like, and drive home later.

You can open a cucumber using only your teeth.

Having your face slashed with a cucumber doesn't hurt (much).

You can eat the whole cucumber, skin 'n' all.

A cucumber won't shatter if you drop it on the ground.

You can shake up a cucumber, and it won't explode when you bite it.

You don't have to worry about getting cucumber stains on your clothes.




  

Why Cucumbers are Better than Men


the average cucumber is at least eight inches long

cucumbers stay hard for a week

a cucumber won't tell you size doesn't count

cucumbers don't get too excited

a cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety

cucumbers are easy to pick up

you can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket

... and you know how firm it is before you take it home

you only eat cucumbers when you feel like it

no matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke 
 and eat it too

cucumbers can get away any weekend

with a cucumber you can get a single room... and you won't have 
 to check in as "Mrs." Cucumber

a cucumber will always respect you in the morning

you can go to movie with a cucumber...and see the movie

at a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat

a cucumber can alwsays wait until you get home

a cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you out to get Milk Duds

a cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival

a cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?"

cucumbers don't care if you are a virgin

cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin

cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin with cucumbers,
 you don't have to be a virgin more than once

cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall

cucumbers don't have sex hangups

cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bad with 
 your boots on

cucumbers aren't into leathers and chains, talking  dirty, or swinging
 with fruits and nuts

you can have as many cucumbers as you can handle

cucumbers never need a round of applause

 cucumbers won't ask:
        Am I the best?
        How was it?
        Did you come?  How many times?

cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, ski/tennis instructors

a cucumber won't want to join your support group

a cucumber never wants to improve your mind

cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations

cucumbers won't ask about your last lover or speculate about your
 next one

a cucumber will never make a scene because there are other
 cucumbers in the refrigerator

a cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your 
 mother comes over

no matter what age group you are in, you can always get a 
 fresh cucumber

cucumbers can handle rejection

a cucumber won't pout if you have a headache

a cucumber won't care what time of the month it is

a cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet

with a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry

cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest,
 or drool on the pillow

cucumbers won't give you a hickey

cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in
 the wet spot

Afterwards, a cucumber won't:
        want to shake hands and be friends
        say, "I'll call you a cab."
        tell you he's not the marrying kind
        tell you he is the marrying kind
        call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist
        take you to confesion
 
cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month

a cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore

cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for him

a cucumber a day keeps the ob-gyn away

a cucumber won't work your crossword with ink

a cucumber isn't allergic to your cat

with a cucumber, you don't have to play Florence Nightingale 
 during the flu season

cucumbers never asnwer your phone or borrow your car

a cucumber won't consume all your food or liquors

a cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library

cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest

a cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray

cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor

cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub

a cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet

a cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower

with a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it

cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold

cucumbers can't count to "10"

cucumbers don't tell you they like you better with longer hair

a cucumber will never leave you
      for another woman
      for another man
      for another cucumber

a cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey."
 and then come home smelling of Channel No 5

a cucumber never snaps your bra, or pinches your butt

you always know where YOUR cucumber has been

you won't find out later that your cucumber:
      is married
      is on penicillin or have AIDS
      likes you, but loves your brother

a cucumber never has to call "the wife"

cucumbers never have mid-life crisis

a cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move

cucumbers never have to tell you what they did while on vacation

cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do

a cucumber won't wear shorts to your office party

you don't have to wait until halftime to talk to your cucumber

a cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve

a cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde

cucumbers never want to take you home to mom

a cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with 
 your family

a cucumber won't ask to be put through Medical school

a cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually

cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers

a cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy."

a cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised catholic, 
 jewish, or orthodox vegetarian

it's easy to drop a cucumber

a cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement,
 or seek custody of anything

A cucumber will never leave you before you want them to.

A cucumber never rolls over and goes to sleep...they can 
 fu*k all night!

You don't have to use a rubber with a cucumber.

Cucumbers don't have to smoke afterwards

You can carry a cucumber around in YOUR pocket!

Cucumbers never need batteries!




  

Why Beer is Better than Women


 1.  You can enjoy a BEER all month.
 2.  BEER stains wash out.
 3.  You don't have to wine and dine a BEER.
 4.  Your BEER will always wait patiently for you in the car.
 5.  When BEER goes flat you toss it out.
 6.  BEER is never late.
 7.  HANGOVERS go away.
 8.  A BEER doesn't get jealous when you grab another BEER.
 9.  BEER labels come off without a fight.
10.  When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a BEER.
11.  BEER never has a headache.
12.  After you have a BEER, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13.  A BEER won't get upset if you come home with BEER on your breath.
14.  If you pour a BEER right, you will always get good head.
15.  You can have more than one BEER a night and not feel guilty.
16.  A BEER ALWAYS goes down easy.
17.  You can share a BEER with your friends.
18.  You always know that you are the first one to pop a BEER.
19.  A BEER is always wet.
20.  BEER doesn't demand equality.
21.  A BEER doesn't care when you come.
22.  You can have a BEER in public.
23.  A frigid BEER is a good BEER.
24.  You don't have to wash a BEER before it tastes good.
25.  BEER always comes in multiples of six.
26.  BEER doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
27.  You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a BEER.
28.  After you have a BEER, you're committed to nothing other than 
     dumping the empty bottle.
29.  A BEER never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves 
     you thirsty.
30.  When your BEER is gone, you just pop another.
31.  You rarely (if ever) find BEER labels on the shower curtain rod.
32.  BEER looks the same in the morning.
33.  BEER doesn't look you up in a month.
34.  BEER doesn't worry about someone walking in.
35.  BEER doesn't worry about waking the kids.
36.  BEER doesn't get cramps.
37.  BEER doesn't have a mother.
38.  BEER doesn't have morals.
39.  BEER doesn't go crazy once a month.
40.  BEER always listens and never argues.
41.  BEER labels don't go out of style every year.
42.  BEER doesn't whine, it bubbles.
43.  BEER doesn't have cold hands/feet.
44.  BEER doesn't demand legality.
45.  BEER is never overweight.
46.  If you change BEERs, you don't have to pay alimony.
47.  BEER won't run off with your credit cards.
48.  BEER doesn't have a lawyer.
49.  BEER doesn't need much closet space.
50.  BEER can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
51.  BEER doesn't complain about the way you drive.
52.  BEER doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
53.  BEER never changes its mind.
54.  BEER doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
55.  BEER never asks you to change the station.
56.  BEER doesn't make you go shopping.
57.  BEER doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
58.  BEER doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
59.  BEER is always easy to pick up.
60.  Big, fat BEERs are nice to have.
61.  BEER doesn't pout or play games.
62.  BEER NEVER says no.
63.  BEER is easy to get into.
64.  BEER never complains when you take it somewhere.
65.  BEER doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other BEERs
66.  BEER doesn't wear a bra.
67.  BEER doesn't mind getting dirty.
68.  BEER doesn't complain about insensitivity.
69.  BEER doesn't use up your toilet paper.
70.  BEER doesn't live with its mother.
71.  BEER doesn't blow you off.
72.  BEER doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
73.  BEER doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
74.  BEER doesn't mind football season.
75.  A BEER won't make you go to church.
76.  A BEER is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" 
     than a woman.
77.  A BEER doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because 
     the guys spit.
78.  A BEER doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
79.  A BEER doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other 
     BEERs around.
80.  A BEER will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials 
     with babies are "cute".
81.  If a BEER leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for 
     a while.
82.  A BEER will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" 
     instead of "doberperson".
83.  A BEER won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of 
     lesbian folk music on your favorite radio station.
84.  A BEER won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
85.  A BEER won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the 
     toilet seat up.
86.  If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a 
     BEER, it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of 
     vegetable juice. 
87.  A BEER won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
88.  A BEER won't smoke in your car.
89.  A BEER won't argue that there's no difference between shooting 
     down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean 
     airliner out of the sky.
90.  A BEER will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91.  A BEER will actually *support* belching and farting and share your
     enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in 
     the Olympic Games.
92.  A BEER is always ready to leave on time.
93.  A BEER never fishes for compliments.
94.  Some BEERs (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
95.  BEER tastes *good*.
96.  If you take a BEER outta the fridge just to look at it but then 
     decide to drink it, the BEER won't accuse you of "date rape".
97.  A BEER won't raise any objections to an evening of watching 
     "John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR.
98.  An ice-cold BEER will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99.  A BEER won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the 
     grocery store.
100. A BEER won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse
     "just for the articles". (You *are* lying, but the BEER won't 
     accuse you of it.
101. A BEER won't worry that you'll go to jail if you videotape a 
     Giants game without the expressed, written consent of the 
     National Football League.
102. A BEER won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the 
     excuse: "But I saved a quarter!"
103. A BEER will *never* make you go to a Swedish movie.
104. A BEER will *never* make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater" on 
     channel 5 on Saturday afternoons.
105. A BEER won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene 
     Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson".
106. A BEER won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that 
     tastes like STP Oil Treatment.
107. When you're through with a BEER, the thought of another BEER 
     doesn't make you ill.
108. A BEER doesn't want you to hold it after you've finished.
109. When you are interrupted by a beer, its for a good reason
110. A beer is always satisfying
111. A beer gets lighter the longer you hold it
112. A beer won't tell you its pregnant for fun
113. No matter what the package, a beer always looks good
114. To cool off a beer, all you have to do is put it in the ice box
115. All you have to do to get over a beer is take a leak
116. The only thing a beer tells you is when its time to go to 
     the bathroom
117. You are never embarrassed about the beer that you take to a party
118. Its OK to leave a party with a different beer to the one that you
     brought
119. Beer won't drive you to drink
120. You can shoot a beer
121. A beer chaser is easy to catch
122. You don't need a license to live with a beer
123. Beer doesn't grow hair where it shouldn't
124. Beer doesn't care how much you earn
125. Beer won't complain about your choice of vacation, it will go
     along happily
126. Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep after you have had it
127. Beer is happy to ride in the trunk of your car
128. You never have to promise to respect a beer in the morning
129. You can put all your old beers in a room together and they 
     won't fight
130. A friend's beer is a good beer.
131. You don't have to drive a beer home in the morning.



  

Why Cats Are Better Than Men


A cat won't wake you up at 3 am because it wants to make love to you.

A cat doesn't use the phone for hours.

A cat loves you until it dies.

You don't have to tell your cat you love it - it *knows* you do.

A cat never calls you on the phone in the middle of the night saying
 "...ooooh I'm soooo druuuunk,  wiiiill youuuuu taaake meeee 
 hooooooome..."

You don't need to help your cat with Calculus or statistics.

A cat doesn't care if you haven't been eating for two days.

A cat doesn't want to borrow money from you.

You don't need to buy your cat expensive presents on its birthday.

You don't need to buy your cats mother expensive presents
 on her birthday.

A cat doesn't say "no" when you want the two of you to take a
 two week holiday on some romantic island in West India.

If there's a mouse in the house, the cat kills it, instead of
 making a lot of fuss about it.

A cat won't hate you if you have it castrated.



  

Why Guitars Are Better Than Women


A guitar has a volume knob

If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $.79 for a new one

You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to

You can unplug a guitar

You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more

Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset

You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested

You can have a guitar any color you want and no one will care

You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a peg.

If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can tune it

You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar

If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set

You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking

If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not required

You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free

It's good to have a guitar that's stretched out.

You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling 
 embarrassed.

You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you.

You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and no 
 protective covering.

You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke.

A guitar doesn't take half of everything you own when you sell it.




  

Why Women Are Better Than Guitars


Women are more fun when the power goes out

You can't get your guitar wet

Ever try to screw a guitar?

The input to a guitar is only 1/4" (ouch!)

A guitar won't beg to be played

It's no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it

When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue

Guitars aren't very aggressive

A guitar won't play you back

You need two hands to make a guitar scream

A guitar won't scratch *your* back

A guitar won't drive you home if you're too drunk

A guitar doesn't care who plays it

You can't play two guitars at once

You can't fall in love with a guitar (awwwwwww, gee, how 
 sweet. Well, maybe you can, but they can't love you back)

It's a lot more fun to stretch out a woman than guitar strings.

Guitar lessons aren't free and aren't as much fun.

If you really *do* want little guitars, you have to buy them.

You can't marry a rich guitar.

Even a good guitar won't usually last a whole lifetime.

Guitars don't taste very good.

A guitar won't give you head.




  

Why Cookie Dough Is Better Than Men


It's enjoyable hard or soft

It makes a mess too, but it tastes better

It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it

You always want to swallow

It won't complain if you share it with friends

It's "quick and convenient"

You can enjoy it more than once.

It comes already protectively wrapped.

You can make it as large as you want.

If you don't finish it you can save it for later.

It's easier to get the kind you want.

You can comparison shop.

It's easier to find in a grocery store.

You can put it away when you've had enough.

You know yours has never been eaten before.

It won't complain if you chew on it.

It comes chocolate flavored.

You always know when to get rid of it.

You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed.

It's always ready to go.

Won't get arrested if you eat it in public.

You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.

It won't wake you up because it's hard.

You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.

You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without
 sounding like you're bragging.

It won't take up room in your bed.

It's easy to pick up.

You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around.

You know what the extra weight is from

It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.

It never has an insecurity problem with its size.

It is very pliable.




  

Why Dogs And Men Are The Same

They both just want sex even if it's only to hump your leg.

Neither understands what you see in cats.

Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both leave their crap lying around and expect someone else
 to pick it up.

Both look at you like they're listening but neither understands
 a word you're saying.

Both enjoy a good back rub.

Sleeping, eating and scratching are the main activities of both.

They all have a strange fascination with cars.

Those in both species that can lick their privates probably do.

Both are bad at asking you questions.

Both tend to smell riper with age.

Neither has figured out the proper use of a toilet.
 One can't hit it and the other drinks from it.

Both pass gas shamelessly.

Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

Both like dominance games.

Both are suspicious of the postman.

Both mark their territory by lifting a leg.  
 One to pee, the other to fart.

Both have sure fire ways of showing you they're glad to 
  see you without speaking a word.

Both bark alot without any real reason.

Both like to roam and should be kept on a short leash.

Both are threatened by their own kind.

Dogs are color blind.

Both would rather someone else pay the bills, rent and put
 food on the table/floor if they can get away with it.

Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.

Both like to chew wood.

Both mark their territory.

Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

Neither tells you what's bothering them.

The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Neither does any dishes.



  

Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Jesus


No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

Beer has never caused a major war.

They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying
 to give it away.

Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over
 his brand of Beer.

You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.

You can prove you have a Beer.

If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help 
 you stop.



  

Reasons Why Women Are Better Than Beer


A beer bottle doesn't look any better with its labels off.

Peeling off beer labels isn't as much fun.

You can suck a beer at only one spot.

Enjoying a beer involves a positive calorie intake.

The bottom of a beer can isn't very interesting.

You can't eat a beer.

You can't buy a beer at 9AM on Sunday in some states.

There's a law about driving after having too many beers

You have to be over 21 to enjoy a beer.




  

Why Dogs Are Better Than Men

 
Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.

Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.

You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.

Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.

The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. 
 (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is 
 rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill
 the one that gives it to you.)

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never
 laugh at how you throw).

Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they
 know the most important thing is that you're together.

Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.

Dogs understand what "no" means.

Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.

Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.

Dogs think you are a culinary genius.

You can house train a dog.

Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for 
 a younger owner.

Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.

Dogs are nice to your relatives.

Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.

Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.

Dogs admit it when they're lost.

Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.

Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.

Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.

Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

You can force a dog to take a bath.

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs miss you when you're gone.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs don't criticize your friends.

Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

Dogs are easy to buy for.




  

Why A Dog Is Better Than A Woman


A dog's parents will never visit you.

A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.

A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.

A dog never expects you to telephone.

A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.

A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.

A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.

A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.

The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.

A dog does not shop.




  

Why Men Are Better Than Dogs

 
Men only have two feet to track in mud.

Men don't have to play with every man they see when you 
 take them around the block.

Men open their own cans.

Dogs have dog breath ALL the time

Men can do math stuff.

Holiday Inns accept men.

Men can buy you presents.

Men are a little bit more subtle.

Men don't eat feces on the sly.

Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.

It's fun to dry off a wet man.




  

Why Pumpkins are better than Men

  
Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.
 
No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet 
 you with a smile.
 
One usually makes a better pie.
 
They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!
 
If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.
 
If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.
 
From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head 
 to begin with.
 
A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.





Reasons Your Computer is Better Than a Woman

  
Computers do exactly what you tell them to

Computers don't nag

You don't get BLOND computers

Computers have good memory

You can turn on your computer, have a beer, watch the big match, 
  and when you come back, they're still turned on

Computers don't get ugly when they get old

Computers don't get upset if you only use them for 30 seconds

Computers don't get upset if you use them for 12 hours without a break

You can use your computer as many times as you want

A computers disposition remains the same all month

Computers don't get upset when you forget their birthday

Computers don't get jealous if you use another one

Computers are happy for you not to wash & shave all weekend.

Computers stay the same size, even after 5 years.

Computers are happy if you connect them to another one,
  even the same type

You can choose a colored one

It's easy to upgrade to a newer model

The old computer works just the same even after you've got a new model

Computers never leave you for your best friend

You don't need to wine and dine a computer before you use it

Your new computer doesn't mind using the old computers extras

You can share your computer with your friends

Computers can be programmed to do something useful

You can stop for a beer break whilst using your computer, it just
  waits for you to come back
  
Computers don't watch mindless sit-coms on TV

Computers are precise

Computers don't get upset when you go on holiday without them

You can use your computer for as long as you want

You can delete things you don't want your computer to remember

Computers are happy to have a picture of a newer model stuck
  next to them

You can turn the sound off

Computers play games or get serious when YOU want to

You CAN use a computer for 12 hours without a break

Computers can be taught not to pass on viruses

You can switch off a computer

Computers treat your woman with the same respect as you

Computers are cheaper to run

Computers don't mind sitting in a dusty study

Computers encourage mess

You're never embarrassed to show your computer to your parents, even
  when it's really old

Computers don't have periods

You can name your computer anything you want

Computers like being chained to a desk (some even have bondage ports
  built in)
  
Your new computer is happy to sit on the old computers furniture

Computers never smell of fish

When your computer starts to smoke you can get another one

You can upgrade your computers FAT partitions

Your computer will happily play crude adult games with you

Computers are happy to show you pornography

Computers don't mind you farting whilst you're using them

Computers are happy to record, and repeat fart sounds

You don't need to remember your computers birthday or anniversary

Computers NEVER want to have your baby

It's not embarrassing to take a differently colored one to see
  your parents

Computers give you another chance if the RAM goes bad

Your computer never makes you sleep in the wet spot

A computer doesn't get hang-ups if you spend lots of time with a woman

Computers are logical

Computers don't eat all of the good stuff from your fridge first

Computers work better the more RAM you put in them

Computers don't have a compulsive urge to talk crap if they've got
  nothing to say

You can pick your nose while using your computer

Your computer always looks good in the morning

You don't need to continually tell your computer you love it

Computers don't eat your chocolate






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