A Marriage is grand affair. A Divorce is a 10 grand affair. What would you call a woman without an asshole? Divorced. Did you all here the one about a guy whose wife left him for a tractor salesman? She gave him a John Deere letter! There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and the shithead's. If you are having sex with TWO women and ONE more woman walks in, what do you have? Divorce proceedings, most likely. What do you call a man who loses 150 lbs of useless fat? A divorcee! There are four types of sex in a marriage: Kitchen Sex: This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, any room. Hence, in the kitchen. Bedroom Sex: You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you must only do it in the bedroom. Hallway Sex: This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say "Fuck you." Courtroom Sex: This is when you get divorced and your spouse fucks you in front of everyone in court. A frustrated wife tells her friend, "I want to divorce my husband because he has a lousy memory!" Her friend replies, "Why would you want to divorce him for that?" The wife says, "Every time he gets around a young woman, he keeps forgetting that he's married!" What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced. The bumper sticker read: "I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her." A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!" The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well... as a matter if fact, Yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times." What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick! Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up alongside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over, "So... out looking for a little, huh?" She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with you. Now, I'm out looking for a LOT!" After only six months of marriage, the unhappy wife made an appointment with a divorce lawyer. "We met through a computer dating service," she said between sobs, "For the life of me, I'll never understand what that machine saw in him." AUTHOR AND WIFE UNABLE TO LIVE ON SAME PLANET BOCA RATON, FL (DWPI) -- John Gray, author of the best-selling self-help book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" announced today that he and his wife are beginning divorce proceedings. While indicating irreconcilable differences, inside sources say the marriage hit rocky times when Dr. Gray discovered his wife and noted self-help author John Bradshaw in bed together. In a related story, Gray announced the upcoming release of his newest book, "Men are from Mars, Women Can Kiss My Hairy Martian Butt." "I got married", said the first tavern regular, "so that I could have sex 3, 4 or 5 times a week." "That's very ironic", said the second regular. "That's exactly why I got divorced." Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are staying married just to be different. What book do you like the best? My husband's cheque book. Moshe asks his wife, Sadie what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new Mink Coat?" he asks. "Not really," says Sadie. "Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says Moshe. "No," she responds. "What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests. She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks." "Well what would you like for your anniversary?" Moshe asks. "Moshe, I'd like a divorce," answers Sadie. "Oy, I wasn't planning to spend that much!" says Moshe. How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore... A woman went to see her lawyer, taking with her a baby and four children under the age of five. "I want a divorce," she said. "On what grounds?" he asked. "Desertion, sir," she said. "Desertion?" he asked, looking at the five young children. "Well," she confided, "he does come home every now and then to apologise." I once heard of a guy who had his 2nd wife's photo printed in the corner of the cheques he used to pay alimony to the first one. Another was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When he was asked the reason for his haste, he shivered and replied, "I'm afraid that if I should ever fall behind in the payments to that witch, she might well try to repossess me." ALIMONY is ... A contraction of the phrase "all his money." A form of maintenance by which, if you don't pay in due time, you'll do time. A husband's cash-surrender value. A man's transition from a co-starring spot to a supporting role. A matter of wife and debt. A pay-as-you-go plan. A pension that helps take the drudgery out of household duties. A system like having the TV set on after one has fallen asleep. A time balm. A war debt. A wife's guaranteed annual wage. A word often spelled "ali-moan-y" by divorced husbands. An allowance which enables a woman who was unhappily married to be happily unmarried. An award in court, where a woman says to her divorced husband, "Buy now-pay later." Bounty from the mutiny. Giving comfort to the enemy. Heart-earned money. Like buying oats for a dead horse. Matrimony's price of peace. Paying instalments on a car after the wreck. Taxation without representation. The billing without the cooing. The fee a woman charges for name-dropping. The high cost of leaving; the high cost of loving. The marital version of "Fly now, pay later." The matrimonial institution's severance pay. The payment by one for the mistakes of two. The take from a mistake. What do you call an independently wealthy woman in Texas? A divorcee. A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator which read: "I have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clock on Channel 2 A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without asking for permission." A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina, filed for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language." A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend's house." A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was much too affectionate." "Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous. Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only opening the door for her out of chivalry." "Mr. Smith," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce. I cannot believe chivalry was your motivation while driving 65 mph." "Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed." Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?" "Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial." Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have." 'Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.' "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation. " What Is The Difference Between A Vulture And An Ex-Wife? A Vulture Circles Three Times Before Chewing On Your Ass. A certain Senator was sitting in his attorney's office. His lawyer said, "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" "Give me the bad news first," said the Senator. "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?" asked the Senator incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news." "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary." The other day at work I ran into Bob. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombshell on me. "Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce". I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together" "Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market." "Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." I probed. "Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me." A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a Blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her Newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, The father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before-it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I'm a Divorce Attorney." "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet," 1st anniversary card from husband to wife: "My sweet loving wife....I hope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heart and soul, I am forever yours." 5th anniversary card: "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe." 10th anniversary card: "Hey, how's it hangin'? Love Ya'!!" 15th anniversary card: "Ummmmmmmmm......'sup?" 16th anniversary card from wife to husband: "You are hereby summoned to divorce proceedings..." POEM FOR EX-WIVES My Ex-husband and I fought constantly, Why I married him I'll never know. For all those miserable years I said, This husband has got to go! Tried poisoning cakes, stripping his brakes, Salting his pork chops with lime. Wiring his chair, igniting his hair, Even though playing with fire's a crime. But I failed at each plot 'til I suddenly thought, Of a way that would set me free! I got rid of him for good and ya know what? They couldn't do a thing to me! I TOOK HIM BACK TO WAL-MART ! They'll take anything back you know! They said they couldn't remember selling him, But they must have if I told them so. They just credited him to my Visa and said, "Ya'll come back ya hear?" They were all so nice, polite and insistent, I took his mother back the next year! They'll take anything back at Wal-Mart, Though it's broken, rotten, or sweet. And know what else? This time of year, You don't even need a receipt! What should you do if you see your "ex" rolling around, in pain, on the ground? Shoot him again. "Our parents got divorced when we were kids and it was kind of cool. We got to go to divorce court with them. It was like a game show. My mom won the house and car. We're all excited. My dad got some luggage." The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?" A husband desparate to end an argument offers to buy is wife a new car. She curtly declines his offer: "That's not quite what I had in mind." Frantically he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his offer, "That's not quite what I had in mind." Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?" She retorts, "I'd like a divorce." He answers, "I hadn't planned on spending quite that much." 20 Points of Divorce Getting a divorce is a mixed bag, some good things and some bad things. Here are two lists to help you see both the bright and the dark side of the institution of divorce. 10 Bad Things 1. Spouse gets half of everything but the bills 2. Without keeping your home just slightly warmer than Satan's dominion, electric company no longer awards you "Top Gigawatt User" status 3. No more weekly episodes of "Watch Spouses Butt Expand" 4. People less understanding when you're late to an event 5. Senseless accidental death of spouse would have been a more romantic and fulfilling way to lose them 6. Belief in your ability to pick a "soul-mate" is shot to hell 7. Vacations can no longer be spent going to exotic and exciting spots like their parent's home in Idaho 8. Now a woman crying can be caused by any number of confusing reasons rather than the straightforward "it's your fault" cause 9. Giddiness and joy of annual Dual-Income-No-Kids tax rape merely a distant memory 10. Screwing your 18 year old step-daughter wasn't the cause of your marital difficulties 10 Good Things 1. Your divorce lawyer can afford a new car 2. "Friends" are now something you can have instead of a TV-show you're forced to watch 3. No more nightly shrieking makes it easier to hear a movie without turning up the volume 4. "My wife just left me" great for sympathy among other women-folk 5. Having a beer is no longer a high crime 6. Regain possibility of having sex 7. "Helpful" marriage counselor now free to actively destroy someone else's relationship 8. Comforting may be done in person rather than through a bathroom door 9. Quietly sitting through tired, cliched 'chick-flick' movies may now be rewarded with sex 10. Luckily you never spawned freakish mutant children that the bitch would have surely produced A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. "No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish...I'd like to give birth to twins." ABC's of Ex-Wives A is for Anal, which she became when she realized that you don't have a nesting syndrome. This also covers questions like "Do I look fat.." and anything beginning with, "Why do you always�". B is for Bitch. Nothing else needs be said. C is for Cunt. See Bitch. D is for Douche Bag. Hanging one in your bathroom is the female equivalent of pissing to mark territory. Take it, fill it with Gin and hang it by your TV chair. E is for Estrogen. It does not mix well with testosterone. It has a tendency to dilute it and then complain when it's done its job. Another paper is being devoted to this particular topic. F is for Fucking. Forbidden Use of Carnal Knowledge. You can fuck, be fucked, get fucked and fuck up. Something can be fucking great or fucking miserable. Example: She was a great fuck! It was fucking wonderful till I fucked it up by getting fucking married. Boy, was I fucked then. F also stands for foreplay. Get in a 69 position and let her suck on your dick. This gives you an opportunity to examine her vagina and amuse yourself or see if you need an excuse to nibble on her fingers. See Vagina G is for Gynecologist. Sure he can stick anything up there he wants, but let you pull out the candles, ice cubes and anal beads and all hell breaks loose. H is for Hell. What she turned your life into and what broke loose when you pulled out the candles, ice cubes and anal beads. I is for Indigo Girls. These dykes are responsible for women thinking their clitorises are actually dicks and that ovaries are a legitimate substitute for balls. Right. J is for Jewelry. Sort of like tokens to pass through the tunnel. K is for Kiss. An intoxicating transfer of pheromones designed to weaken your defenses and cause you to enter into a condition called "Being in Love". L is for Love. Love is that strange phenomena that causes a man think that one piece of tail is somehow better than all the rest. M is for Marriage. An institution where everything you ever had, have now and ever will have becomes hers. N is for Nookie. Sure, it's the preferred choice, but really now, won't just about anything do in a pinch? O is for Ovaries. Producers of estrogen. The cause of all your grief, but take em away and she grows a finer beard than you. P is for Period. Never trust anything that bleeds for a week and doesn't die! Q is for Quicky. Women love these especially during halftime shows, while they are putting on their make up, in elevators, while making dinner and changing babies. R is for Rules. Women somehow seem to think that they make them. LOL S is for Sex. Remember that? It's what you had before you got married or "involved in a relationship". T is for Tits. Size doesn't matter. Shape does. Remember, that firm pair of A's with the nipples like pencil erasers are still going to look fine 20 years down the road. Those double DD's are going to be hanging lower that the waistband of her pink, spandex toreador pants. U is for Underwear. See "The Panty Theory"; the first appearance of a girdle in the house marks the beginning of a long road downhill. V is for Vagina. "Nothing can be finer than to be in a vagina in the morning.." Every girl's got one. The criterion for judging the beauty of the female genitalia is rather low. A small, high placed clitoris has less inner labia and thus, isn't as nasty looking and has less area for bacteria and potential yeast infection. The down side is that it doesn't get much stimulation during inter course so she may attempt to use her finger on it. If she has a nail on that finger, chew it off during *foreplay. A big clit has lots of extra skin and is fun to pull and make "funny faces" with. X is X-Rated. None of the girls you normally meet will ever do any of the things you see in these movies. Live with it. However, they are available to rent for about $100 per hour. Before you disregard the option, take this simple test. Add up all the costs of being in a relationship. Put a $$$ amount on it. Cabs, dinner, movies, flowers, gifts, etc. Don't forget to charge for your own valuable time not getting laid or spent listening to stories about her relatives and ever detail about the latest trip to the shoe store. This will produce a "Cost of Relationship" figure. Average out the quality of your sex life and give it a number value from 1 to 10 with 1 being sex with a corpse and 10 being the best fuck of your life. Add a 0 (zero) to the right of the number and a $ to the left. Multiply that by the number of times you got laid. This will give you a "Cost of Sex" figure. Subtract that figure (yes it will be lower) from the "Cost of Relationship" figure. Do the math. This final figure is what you could be using to have the best sex of your life, every time� minus of course, the "Cost of Condoms" adjustment, should you decide to add the totals together and invest in a 'Hooker Fund". Y is for Y, as in "Eat at the Y". Z is for Zoo. A place where animals, meant to run free, are caged and denied their natural right to eat what they want, shit where they want, go where they want and fuck when and who they want. See Marriage. |
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