Divorce Jokes

Divorce Jokes



A Marriage is grand affair.  A Divorce is a 10 grand affair. 


What would you call a woman without an asshole?
Divorced.


Did you all here the one about a guy whose wife left him for a 
 tractor salesman?
She gave him a John Deere letter!


There are two sides to every divorce:
 Yours and the shithead's.


If you are having sex with TWO women and ONE more woman walks in,
 what do you have?
Divorce proceedings, most likely.


What do you call a man who loses 150 lbs of useless fat?    
A divorcee!



There are four types of sex in a marriage:

Kitchen Sex:
  This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex 
anywhere, anytime, any room.  Hence, in the kitchen.

Bedroom Sex:
  You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you must 
only do it in the bedroom.

Hallway Sex:
  This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say 
"Fuck you."

Courtroom Sex:
  This is when you get divorced and your spouse fucks you 
in front of everyone in court.



  A frustrated wife tells her friend, "I want to divorce 
my husband because he has a lousy memory!"
  Her friend replies, "Why would you want to divorce him 
for that?"
  The wife says, "Every time he gets around a young woman, 
he keeps forgetting that he's married!"



What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
  


The bumper sticker read:  
"I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her."



  A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph.  
The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him 
and says,  "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, 
I want a divorce."
  The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
  She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, 
because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and 
he's a better lover than you."
  Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches 
his hands on the wheels.
  She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and 
now is doing 70 mph.
  She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving 
faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.
  She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the 
credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a 
bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
  The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."
  She asks, "What's that?"
  The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, 
"I've got the airbag!"




  The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed 
way too qualified for the job.
  "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience 
in picking lemons?"
  "Well... as a matter if fact, Yes!" she replied. "I've been 
divorced three times."
 
 
 
What's the difference between getting a divorce 
 and getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!



  Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull
up alongside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over,
"So... out looking for a little, huh?"
  She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with
you. Now, I'm out looking for a LOT!"


  
  After only six months of marriage, the unhappy wife made an
appointment with a divorce lawyer.  "We met through a computer 
dating service," she said between sobs, "For the life of me, 
I'll never understand what that machine saw in him."




AUTHOR AND WIFE UNABLE TO LIVE ON SAME PLANET

BOCA RATON, FL (DWPI) -- John Gray, author of the best-selling 
self-help book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" announced 
today that he and his wife are beginning divorce proceedings.  
While indicating irreconcilable differences, inside sources say 
the marriage hit rocky times when Dr. Gray discovered his wife and 
noted self-help author John Bradshaw in bed together. In a related
story, Gray announced the upcoming release of his newest book, 
"Men are from Mars, Women Can Kiss My Hairy Martian Butt."



  "I got married", said the first tavern regular, 
"so that I could have sex 3, 4 or 5 times a week."
  "That's very ironic", said the second regular. 
"That's exactly why I got divorced."



Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are staying
married just to be different.



What book do you like the best?
My husband's cheque book.



  Moshe asks his wife, Sadie what she wants to celebrate 
their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new Mink 
Coat?" he asks.
  "Not really," says Sadie.
  "Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says Moshe.
  "No," she responds.
  "What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.
  She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
  "Well what would you like for your anniversary?" Moshe asks.
  "Moshe, I'd like a divorce," answers Sadie.
  "Oy, I wasn't planning to spend that much!" says Moshe.



How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore...



  A woman went to see her lawyer, taking with her a baby and
four children under the age of five. 
  "I want a divorce," she said. 
  "On what grounds?" he asked.
  "Desertion, sir," she said.
  "Desertion?" he asked, looking at the five young children.
  "Well," she confided, "he does come home every now and then
to apologise."



I once heard of a guy who had his 2nd wife's photo printed in the 
corner of the cheques he used to pay alimony to the first one.


  Another was known among his friends for the punctuality with 
which he sent his wife her alimony payment each month.
  When he was asked the reason for his haste, he shivered and 
replied, "I'm afraid that if I should ever fall behind in the 
payments to that witch, she might well try to repossess me."



ALIMONY is ...

A contraction of the phrase "all his money."

A form of maintenance by which, if you don't pay in due time, you'll do
time.

A husband's cash-surrender value.

A man's transition from a co-starring spot to a supporting role.

A matter of wife and debt.

A pay-as-you-go plan.

A pension that helps take the drudgery out of household duties.

A system like having the TV set on after one has fallen asleep.

A time balm.

A war debt.

A wife's guaranteed annual wage.

A word often spelled "ali-moan-y" by divorced husbands.

An allowance which enables a woman who was unhappily married to be happily
unmarried.

An award in court, where a woman says to her divorced husband, "Buy now-pay
later."

Bounty from the mutiny.

Giving comfort to the enemy.

Heart-earned money.

Like buying oats for a dead horse.

Matrimony's price of peace.

Paying instalments on a car after the wreck.

Taxation without representation.

The billing without the cooing.

The fee a woman charges for name-dropping.

The high cost of leaving; the high cost of loving.

The marital version of "Fly now, pay later."

The matrimonial institution's severance pay.

The payment by one for the mistakes of two.

The take from a mistake.

 

What do you call an independently wealthy woman in Texas?
A divorcee.



  A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because 
his wife left him a note on the refrigerator which read: 
"I have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your 
dinner at 7 o'clock on Channel 2
 
  A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she 
"beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger 
without asking for permission."
 
  A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina, filed for divorce 
because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language."
 
  A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because 
he forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove 
past his girlfriend's house."
 
  A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on 
the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was much 
too affectionate." 
 
 
 
  "Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous. Most women
would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry
and I was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."
  "Mr. Smith," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce. 
I cannot believe chivalry was your motivation while driving 
65 mph."




  "Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor 
questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
  "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
  The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
  "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always 
first out of bed."
  Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he 
go in for unnatural connubial practices?"
  "Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows 
anything about the connubial."
  Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to 
find out are what grounds you have."
  'Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, 
let alone grounds.'
  "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, 
"you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason 
for you seeking this divorce?"
  "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't
 hold an intelligent conversation. "



What Is The Difference Between A Vulture And An Ex-Wife?
A Vulture Circles Three Times Before Chewing On Your Ass.



  A certain Senator was sitting in his attorney's office.
His lawyer said, "Do you want the bad news first or the 
terrible news?"
  "Give me the bad news first," said the Senator.
  "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
  "That's the bad news?" asked the Senator incredulously.  
"I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
  "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."




  The other day at work I ran into Bob.  We chatted over lunch 
and he dropped a bombshell on me.
  "Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce".
  I was stunned.  "Why?  What happened, you two seem so happy
together"  
  "Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried 
to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running 
around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to 
dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music
and how to invest in the stock market."
  "Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying 
to change you."  I probed.
  "Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't 
good enough for me."



  A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son.  
The kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between 
his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into 
the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into 
his mouth and lodges in his throat.
  He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad 
starts panicking, shouting for help.
  A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious 
woman in a Blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the 
market reading her Newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the 
sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on
the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the 
counter.  Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried 
way across the market.
  Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's 
testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly.
  After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up 
the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
  Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and 
walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
  As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting 
ill-effects, The father rushes over to the woman and starts 
effusively thanking her saying, "I've  never seen anybody do  
anything like that before-it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
  "Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I'm a Divorce Attorney."



  "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman 
I don't like and just give her a house."



"Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a
man's genitals through his wallet,"




1st anniversary card from husband to wife: "My sweet loving wife....I 
hope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my 
heart and soul, I am forever yours." 

5th anniversary card: "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe." 

10th anniversary card: "Hey, how's it hangin'?  Love Ya'!!" 

15th anniversary card: "Ummmmmmmmm......'sup?" 

16th anniversary card from wife to husband: "You are hereby summoned 
to divorce proceedings..." 



POEM FOR EX-WIVES

My Ex-husband and I fought constantly,
Why I married him I'll never know.
For all those miserable years I said,
This husband has got to go!

Tried poisoning cakes, stripping his brakes,
Salting his pork chops with lime.
Wiring his chair, igniting his hair,
Even though playing with fire's a crime.

But I failed at each plot 'til I suddenly thought,
Of a way that would set me free!
I got rid of him for good and ya know what?
They couldn't do a thing to me!

I TOOK HIM BACK TO WAL-MART !
They'll take anything back you know!
They said they couldn't remember selling him,
But they must have if I told them so.

They just credited him to my Visa and said,
"Ya'll come back ya hear?"
They were all so nice, polite and insistent,
I took his mother back the next year!

They'll take anything back at Wal-Mart,
Though it's broken, rotten, or sweet.
And know what else? This time of year,
You don't even need a receipt!



What should you do if you see your "ex" rolling around,
 in pain, on the ground?
Shoot him again.



  "Our parents got divorced when we were kids and it was
kind of cool. We got to go to divorce court with them. 
It was like a game show. My mom won the house and car. 
We're all excited.  My dad got some luggage."



  The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section 
of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were 
getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the 
children was a problem.
  The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge 
that since she had brought the children into this world, she 
should retain custody of them.
   The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. 
The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long 
moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair 
and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and 
a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"
 


  A husband desparate to end an argument offers to buy is wife 
a new car.  
 She curtly declines his offer: "That's not quite what I had 
in mind."  
  Frantically he offers her a new house.
  Again she rejects his offer, "That's not quite what I had 
in mind."  
  Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?" 
  She retorts, "I'd like a divorce."  
  He answers, "I hadn't planned on spending quite that much."



20 Points of Divorce 

  Getting a divorce is a mixed bag, some good things and some bad 
things. Here are two lists to help you see both the bright and the 
dark side of the institution of divorce. 


10 Bad Things

1. Spouse gets half of everything but the bills
2. Without keeping your home just slightly warmer than Satan's dominion, 
   electric company no longer awards you "Top Gigawatt User" status
3. No more weekly episodes of "Watch Spouses Butt Expand"
4. People less understanding when you're late to an event
5. Senseless accidental death of spouse would have been a more romantic
   and fulfilling way to lose them
6. Belief in your ability to pick a "soul-mate" is shot to hell
7. Vacations can no longer be spent going to exotic and exciting spots 
   like their parent's home in Idaho
8. Now a woman crying can be caused by any number of confusing reasons 
   rather than the straightforward "it's your fault" cause
9. Giddiness and joy of annual Dual-Income-No-Kids tax rape merely a
   distant memory
10. Screwing your 18 year old step-daughter wasn't the cause of your
    marital difficulties 


10 Good Things

1. Your divorce lawyer can afford a new car
2. "Friends" are now something you can have instead of a TV-show you're
   forced to watch
3. No more nightly shrieking makes it easier to hear a movie without
   turning up the volume
4. "My wife just left me" great for sympathy among other women-folk
5. Having a beer is no longer a high crime
6. Regain possibility of having sex
7. "Helpful" marriage counselor now free to actively destroy someone
   else's relationship
8. Comforting may be done in person rather than through a bathroom door
9. Quietly sitting through tired, cliched 'chick-flick' movies may now
   be rewarded with sex
10. Luckily you never spawned freakish mutant children that the bitch
    would have surely produced 


  

  A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating 
how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies
a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a
magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her
troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he 
will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he 
does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times 
the amount of whatever she wishes. 
  The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but 
she makes her first wish.  The first wish was for a billion dollars.
The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of 
one billion one-dollar bills.  
  The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient 
of 10 billion dollars.  The woman can barely contain her anger when 
she makes her second wish.  The second wish was for a beautiful 
mansion on the shore of her own private beach.  In an instant it 
was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband 
now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach 
to a small development of ten such mansions. 
  Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her  
last wish.  Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the 
woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish.  
But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her 
ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. 
  "No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy.  "For my
last wish...I'd like to give birth to twins." 



ABC's of Ex-Wives

A is for Anal, which she became when she realized that you don't have a
nesting syndrome. This also covers questions like "Do I look fat.." and
anything beginning with, "Why do you always…".

B is for Bitch. Nothing else needs be said.

C is for Cunt. See Bitch.

D is for Douche Bag. Hanging one in your bathroom is the female equivalent
of pissing to mark territory. Take it, fill it with Gin and hang it by
your TV chair. 

E is for Estrogen. It does not mix well with testosterone. It has a
tendency to dilute it and then complain when it's done its job. Another
paper is being devoted to this particular topic.

F is for Fucking. Forbidden Use of Carnal Knowledge. You can fuck, be
fucked, get fucked and fuck up. Something can be fucking great or fucking
miserable. Example: She was a great fuck! It was fucking wonderful till I
fucked it up by getting fucking married. Boy, was I fucked then. F also
stands for foreplay. Get in a 69 position and let her suck on your dick.
This gives you an opportunity to examine her vagina and amuse yourself or
see if you need an excuse to nibble on her fingers. See Vagina   

G is for Gynecologist. Sure he can stick anything up there he wants, but
let you pull out the candles, ice cubes and anal beads and all hell breaks
loose.

H is for Hell. What she turned your life into and what broke loose when 
you pulled out the candles, ice cubes and anal beads.

I is for Indigo Girls. These dykes are responsible for women thinking 
their clitorises are actually dicks and that ovaries are a legitimate 
substitute for balls. Right.
   
J is for Jewelry. Sort of like tokens to pass through the tunnel.

K is for Kiss. An intoxicating transfer of pheromones designed to weaken
your defenses and cause you to enter into a condition called "Being in
Love".

L is for Love. Love is that strange phenomena that causes a man think that
one piece of tail is somehow better than all the rest.

M is for Marriage. An institution where everything you ever had, have now
and ever will have becomes hers.

N is for Nookie. Sure, it's the preferred choice, but really now, won't
just about anything do in a pinch?

O is for Ovaries. Producers of estrogen. The cause of all your grief, but
take em away and she grows a finer beard than you.   

P is for Period. Never trust anything that bleeds for a week and doesn't
die!

Q is for Quicky. Women love these especially during halftime shows, while
they are putting on their make up, in elevators, while making dinner and
changing babies. 

R is for Rules. Women somehow seem to think that they make them. LOL

S is for Sex. Remember that? It's what you had before you got married or
"involved in a relationship".

T is for Tits. Size doesn't matter. Shape does. Remember, that firm pair 
of A's with the nipples like pencil erasers are still going to look fine 
20 years down the road. Those double DD's are going to be hanging lower 
that the waistband of her pink, spandex toreador pants. 

U is for Underwear. See "The Panty Theory"; the first appearance of a
girdle in the house marks the beginning of a long road downhill.

V is for Vagina. "Nothing can be finer than to be in a vagina in the
morning.." Every girl's got one. The criterion for judging the beauty of
the female genitalia is rather low.  A small, high placed clitoris has 
less inner labia and thus, isn't as nasty looking and has less area for 
bacteria and potential yeast infection. The down side is that it doesn't
get much stimulation during inter course so she may attempt to use her 
finger on it. If she has a nail on that finger, chew it off during 
*foreplay. A big clit has lots of extra skin and is fun to pull and make 
"funny faces" with. 

X is X-Rated. None of the girls you normally meet will ever do any of the
things you see in these movies. Live with it. However, they are available
to rent for about $100 per hour. Before you disregard the option, take this
simple test. Add up all the costs of being in a relationship. Put a $$$
amount on it. Cabs, dinner, movies, flowers, gifts, etc. Don't forget to
charge for your own valuable time not getting laid or spent listening to
stories about her relatives and ever detail about the latest trip to the
shoe store. This will produce a "Cost of Relationship" figure. Average out
the quality of your sex life and give it a number value from 1 to 10 with 
1 being sex with a corpse and 10 being the best fuck of your life. Add a 
0 (zero) to the right of the number and a $ to the left. Multiply that by 
the number of times you got laid. This will give you a "Cost of Sex" 
figure. Subtract that figure (yes it will be lower) from the "Cost of 
Relationship" figure. Do the math. This final figure is what you could be 
using to have the best sex of your life, every time… minus of course, the 
"Cost of Condoms" adjustment, should you decide to add the totals together
and invest in a 'Hooker Fund". 
 
Y is for Y, as in "Eat at the Y".

Z is for Zoo. A place where animals, meant to run free, are caged and
denied their natural right to eat what they want, shit where they want, 
go where they want and fuck when and who they want. See Marriage.




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