Free Legal Help/Public Service Announcement
P R E - R E L A T I O N S H I P A G R E E M E N T
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The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of
sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party
of the second part (herein referred to as "him"):
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially
referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any
current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs,
phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or
currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been
terminated.
Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or
fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure
to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said
relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who
arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker")
blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or
"psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My
Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in
"Penthouse". For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic
Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the
first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology
in describing their said "dating":
For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are
"going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of
exclusivity.)
Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say they are
"seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item".
Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either
member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their
mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no
circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman,"
"the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable.
Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up;
however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule,
the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving
too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties
agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends,
weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or
expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or
"holds" on the other's time.
Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party
continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded
party" agrees to "give up".
5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the
couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures,
schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty-
four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of
the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to
strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies.
Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship
agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the
delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the
first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal
personalities .
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that -- respective gross income aside --
"he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts
until: He considers her suitably impressed, He is broke, or He says, "this
is ridiculous, you pay!"
Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which
are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother
to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to
the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together,
every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective
apartments.
Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd
remarks of landlords, or roommates. Both will avoid having their mothers
call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in
residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink,
and assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to
respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".
8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member
of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of
phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and
- using archaic terminology -- "Let's get married."
9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree
not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars,
concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other.
Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party
using the "G" word..."Gone."
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds
for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend,
Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex used to do that same thing";
Suggesting -- no matter how kindly -- that the other member should seek
"help"; Ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst thinks you are..."
11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup, each party reserves
the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all of the
following phrases: "You'll never find anybody better"; "Nobody could ever
make you happy"; "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; "My
analyst thinks you are..." (appropriate psychosis/neurosis goes here)
12. MISCELLANEOUS: Both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time
as the relationship appear to be "on the rocks".
Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes notice before
terminating said relationship.
At the termination of said affair, both parties agree to be mature and
return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys, and
personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial intermediaries.
Each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging
in sex with any of the other's friends.
Both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period of at
least seven days (bedroom performance included), and further consent to
use one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup:
"The timing wasn't right"
"He/she wanted more than I could give"
"He/she was too involved in his/her career"
"He/she decided to go back to his/her
lover/hometown/therapist"
13. ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup -- no matter what -- both parties
agree to give the relationship "one more shot".
WHO PAYS ON A DATE?
For all you single women torn with this dilemma when on a date...
If SHE wants to sleep with him, then it's a date:
HE pays.
If SHE doesn't want to sleep with him and if SHE's a nice person
who wants the "just friends" message to get through loud and clear:
SHE pays for herself and insists on it.
If SHE doesn't want to sleep with him and if SHE's a nice person
but HE's rich:
HE pays but SHE offers.
If SHE doesn't want to sleep with him, SHE's not a nice person,
and HE's rich:
HE pays.
If SHE doesn't want to sleep with him, SHE's not a nice person,
and HE's not rich:
HE pays.
If HE pays but SHE doesn't want to seem like a freeloader:
SHE offers to help, HE refuses, SHE says she'll get the drinks
or coffee later.
If HE's cheap:
HE asks her to split the bill.
If HE's broke, they're close, SHE's not a nice person, and they're
going to a good place:
SHE feigns indifference to the financial catastrophe that awaits
him. He pays.
If HE's broke, they're close, SHE's a nice person, and they're
going to a good place:
SHE slips him the money before they get to the restaurant.
If HE's broke, they're close, SHE's nice, and they're going to a
cheap place:
SHE pays.
If HE's broke, they're close, SHE's not nice, and they're going
to a cheap place:
SHE suddenly realises that SHE has to stay home and wash her hair...
forever.
If SHE asked him out, it's his birthday, and they're in love:
SHE pays.
If SHE asked him out and it's not his birthday but HE knows what's
good for him:
SHE starts to pay, HE protests, SHE gives in.
If HE's a guy with any interest in seeing her again:
HE pays. Period.
It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint
as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving
techniques, and even the standards he used to choose his barber.
Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough about me. Let's
talk about you."
She breathed a sigh of relief.
He went on, "What do you think about me?"
Reasons Women Date Jerks Instead of Nice Guys
More fun to complain about them to your friends.
Guys who actually like you just aren't challenging or exciting.
When you do date nice guys, they turn into jerks anyway, so why
not save time and go for the jerk in the first place?
You won't get as emotionally attached to a jerk, so you'll
be more in control.
All the other women want them, so they must be worth having.
Affection means more when it comes from a guy who doesn't
normally give it.
Guaranteed to cheat on you so someone else can endure his lack of
lovemaking skills most of the time.
No need to feel guilty for abusing or deceiving them.
Jerks will actually tell you when they don't like what you're doing
instead of getting mad about it six months later.
Looking for someone you can't trust, and won't care about too much,
who will abuse you mentally and financially, but you don't know any
lawyers.
A girl and boy are having a relationship of about four months.
One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a
few, then went to get some food at a local restaurant. They eat,
then go back to his house and she spends the night.
Her story:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have
been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about
it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go
off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.
So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and
I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or
something else. I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not
really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I
love him and he says he loves me too, but I don't think he meant it.
I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't
sound sincere. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering
if he's going to dump me! So I try to ask him about it but he just
switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep.
Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he
still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I justed wanted to
leave. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean,
do you think he's met someone else ???
His story:
Shitty day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got laid though.
SNAP JUDGEMENTS ABOUT MEN AND WOMEN
Reading the signs: How to make shallow snap judgements
The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the
hidden signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much
about a person.
Train yourself to recognize - and decode these key "signs":
Woman won't unlock car door for man.
-Doesn't engage in oral sex.
Man gets in car without opening door for woman.
-No foreplay.
Man can't hail a cab.
-Impotent.
Insists on going to a brand new restaurant.
-Prefers virgins.
Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way there.
-Is a virgin.
Insists on going to a romantic, candlelight restaurant.
-Compulsive Don Juan.
Insists on going to a homey little cafe.
-Compulsive Don Quixote.
Insists on going to a Polynesian bar.
-Compulsive Don Ho.
Wants to go to a French restaurant.
-Will swallow.
Wants to go to a deli.
-Won't swallow.
Uses Sweet n' Low.
-Wears falsies.
Takes too long deciding what to order.
-Has trouble reaching orgasm.
Orders salad dressing on the side.
-Will give a hand job, but won't go "all the way".
Gives explicit orders to the waiter or waitress.
-Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed.
Asks for extra rolls.
-Will say she's using birth control when she's not,
will get pregnant and sue.
Insists on ordering for you.
-Thinks that you had an orgasm when you didn't.
Asks for "the usual".
-Insists on missionary position only.
Asks what the specials are.
-Will want you to use handcuffs.
Fills up on bread and crackers.
-Premature ejaculator.
Doesn't finish everything on the plate.
-Has already come.
Insists on having some of what you ordered.
-Will make you sleep on the wet spot.
Changes mind after ordering.
-Will never call you.
Changes tables.
-Nymphomaniac.
Drinks decaf.
-Fakes orgasm. (Female)
Orders in French.
-Fakes orgasm. (Male)
Sends food back.
-Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends,
and then try to borrow money.
Asks for detailed descriptions of the desserts.
-Needs you to talk dirty during sex.
Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers.
-Wants a hand job.
Orders a dessert involving nuts.
-Castrating bitch.
Wants to split dessert.
-Is dying to move in with you and rearrange all your closets.
Credit card is refused.
-Low sperm count.
Undertips waiter.
-Small penis.
Undertips parking valet.
-Small penis.
Undertips cabbie.
-Small penis.
Uses a toothpick.
-Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.
Has a removable cassette player in car.
-Pulls out repeatedly during sex.
Has a cellular phone in car.
-Has a penile implant.
Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents' House
Sniff the air and say it smells like a whorehouse.
Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.
Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night
and ask if you can use the bathroom.
Mention that 'Mr Happy' is primed and ready.
Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.
Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.
Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they
conceived their daughter.
Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.
Pretend to eat your arm.
Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.
THE DICTIONARY OF DATING
========================
ATTRACTION:
the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT:
what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy
people meet.
DATING:
the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and
energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't
especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot
less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL:
avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special
pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive
men or spending time around children.
EASY:
a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
PRIG:
a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.
EYE CONTACT:
a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she
is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have
difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to
the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not
located in her chest.
FRIEND:
a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw
which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE:
a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as
"playing hard to get."
INTERESTING:
a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT:
what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people
to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY:
how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional
to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC:
a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
FRIGID:
a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does,
or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.
SOBER:
condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
NAG:
a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than
just intercourse.
What is the Difference Between Like & Love?
LOVE - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
LOVE - when intercourse is called 'making love'.
LUST - all the other times.
LOVE - when you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
LOVE - when you share everything you own.
LUST - when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
LOVE - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
LOVE - when you phone each other just to say "G'day".
LUST - when you phone each other just to organize sex.
LOVE - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how
you feel.
LUST - when it's just the same old mushy shit.
LOVE - when you're interested in everything your partner does.
LUST - when you're only interested in one thing.
LOVE - when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - when staying together is something you try not to think
about.
A list of abbreviations from "WOMEN SEEKING MEN" classifieds
CODE WORD..... MEANS
40-ish 48
Adventurer Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate Possessive
Artist Unreliable
Athletic Flat chested
Average looking Ugly
Beautiful Pathological liar
Commitment-minded Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important Just try to get a word in edgewise
Contagious Smile Bring your penicillin
Educated College dropout
Emotionally Secure Medicated
Employed Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera Snob
Enjoys Nature Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty Would frighten a Martian
Feminist Fat; ball buster
Financially Secure One paycheck from the street
Free spirit Substance user
Friendship first Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun Annoying
Gentle Comatose
Good Listener Borderline Autistic
Humorous Caustic
Intuitive Your opinion doesn't count
In Transition Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light drinker Lush
Looks younger If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves Travel If you're paying
Loves Animals Cat lady
Mature Will not let you treat her like a farm
animal in bed, like last boyfriend did
New-Age All body hair, all the time
Non-traditional Ex-husband lives in the basement
Old-fashioned Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded Desperate
Outgoing Loud
Passionate Loud
Petite Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins
Poet Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional Bitch
Redhead Shops on the Clairol aisle
Reliable Frumpy
Reubenesque Grossly Fat
Romantic Looks better by candle light
Self-employed Jobless
Smart Insipid
Special Rode the short schoolbus
Spiritual Involved with a cult
Stable Boring
Tall, thin Anorexic
Tan Wrinkled
Voluptuous Very Fat
Weight proportional Hugely Fat
to height
Wants Soulmate One step away from stalking
Widow Nagged first husband to death
Writer Pompous
Young at heart Toothless crone
A list of abbreviations from "MEN SEEKING WOMEN" Classifieds
CODE WORD... MEANS...
40-ish 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Affectionate Needy and looking for mother-figure
Artist Delicate ego badly in need of massage
Athletic Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Distinguished-looking Fat, grey, and bald
Educated Will always treat you like an idiot
Employed On management track at Radio Shack
Financially Secure I will spend some money on you, in return
for which I will expect you to obey my every
whim for the duration of your mortal life.
Free Spirit Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking Arrogant bastard
Honest Pathological Liar
Huggable Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben
ISO Slim, Would be better off with a labrador retriever
attractive female
Light drinker Headed for AA
Like to cuddle Insecure, overly dependent
Like romantic walks on I read Cosmo and think this is what you
the beach want to hear
Mature Until you get to know him
Open-minded Wants to sleep with your sister but she's
not interested
Physically fit I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors
admiring myself
Poet Once wrote on a bathroom stall while
constipated
Professional Owns a white button down
Reliable Shows up on time--give or take 3 hours
Self-employed Same as for women and eat nachos all weekend
Sensitive Needy
Smart Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever"
Spiritual Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter
Stable Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Virile Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing out
Young at heart Pedophile
General Terms:
Independent Thinker. . . . . . . Crazy.
High-Spirited. . . . . . . . . . Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.
Free-Spirited. . . . . . . . . . Crazy and irresponsible.
Attractive . . . . . . . . . . . Average and conceited
Cute . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ugly
Average. . . . . . . . . . . . . Below Average
Ample. . . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.
Huggable . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.
Zaftig . . . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY Large.
Fat and Sassy. . . . . . . . . . Large and loudmouthed.
Slender. . . . . . . . . . . . . Skinny.
Svelte . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anorexic.
Petite (I am). . . . . . . . . . Short.
Petite (you are) . . . . . . . . Size 2.
Dynamic. . . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy.
Assertive. . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy with a mean streak.
Excited About Life's Journey . . No concept of reality.
Moody. . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive.
Unpredictable. . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and off medication.
Soulful. . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and quiet.
Poetic . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and boring.
Looking for Mr/Ms Right. . . . . Looking for Mr/Ms Rich.
Very Human . . . . . . . . . . . Quasimodo.
Uninhibited. . . . . . . . . . . Lacking basic social skills.
Irreverent . . . . . . . . . . . Mean and lacking basic social skills.
Aging Child. . . . . . . . . . . Self-centered adult.
Freedom-loving . . . . . . . . . Undependable.
Young at Heart . . . . . . . . . Over 40.
Youthful . . . . . . . . . . . . Over 50 and in major denial.
Chatty . . . . . . . . . . . . . Never shuts up.
Humorous . . . . . . . . . . . . Watches too much TV and never shuts up.
Relaxed. . . . . . . . . . . . . Lazy
Energetic. . . . . . . . . . . . A Workaholic
Social Drinker . . . . . . . . . Alcoholic
Non-Drinker. . . . . . . . . . . I just finished the 12 step program
Self-Employed. . . . . . . . . . Unemployed
Financially secure (I am). . . . Has a job.
Financially secure (you are) . . Rich.
Affectionate . . . . . . . . . . Horny.
Romantic . . . . . . . . . . . . Horny.
Passionate . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY horny.
A father was very anxious to marry off his daughter so he
wanted tried impress her first date.
"Do you like to screw?" he asks.
"Huh?!" replied the surprised young man.
"My daughter, she loves to screw and she's very good at it.
You and she should go screw." carefully explained the father.
Now very interested, the boy replied, "Yes, sir!"
Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her
father goodbye and the couple left. After only a few minutes
she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed,
"Dammit, Daddy, it's the TWIST, get it right!"
There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to
say or do on a date...
"I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use
this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired."
"I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you."
"I used to come here all the time with my ex."
"Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if it doesn't hear my voice
on the answering machine every hour."
"I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I
wouldn't have given someone like you a second look."
"And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest."
"I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good
butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask."
"It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just
won't be as smart as I am."
"I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to
consider it.
"I'll bet you're a lot better in bed than you look."
Keep telling her she's not "that" fat.
Introduce her to your friends as your little "Suckslut"
Insist that she whore herself to buy you an expensive gift.
Brag about their bedroom skills to their parents.
Tell them you can only get aroused if they bleat like a sheep.
After each sexual act, lean back and sigh..."I've had better..."
Buy a laptop computer. Bring it with you at all times.
Mutter, "gotta have priorities."
Tell their parents EVERYTHING that happens on your dates. Use diagrams.
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy,
according to an article in last April's issue of Sassy magazine.
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed
to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not
answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of
course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting
on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful
woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what
the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one
of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question
came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife,
Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of
thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For
those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes,
dear."
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to
confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly
leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance
policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could
be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you
almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In
any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong
answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance
policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the
event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and
I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's
Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the
lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask
such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old
clothes?
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me
and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let
her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
MEN IN THE DOGHOUSE!
Below are excerpts about how guys can score points (or lose them) from
their gals from "The Game of Romance: How to Keep Score" from Men's
Health Magazine, November, 1996, p 110-115, along with some things that
are just expected of guys, therefore having a score of zero:
Simple Duties
-------------
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings: +5
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It's her father: -10
Social Engagements
------------------
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8
Saturday Afternoons
-------------------
You visit her parents: +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare at the television: -3
And the television is off: -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6
And you didn't even go to college: -10
And it's not really your underwear: -15
Her Birthday
------------
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face
is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
You give her a gift: 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30
You wait til the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
With her credit card: -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40
Thoughtfulness
--------------
You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50
A Night Out with Your Pals
--------------------------
You have a few beers: -9
For every beer after three, -2 again
And miss curfew by an hour: -12
You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
And not wearing any pants: -40
Is that a tattoo? -200
A Night Out, Just The Two of You
--------------------------------
You go see a comic: +2
He's crude and sexist: -2
You laugh: -5
You laugh too much: -10
She's not laughing: -15
You laugh harder: -25
Driving
-------
You lose the directions on a trip: -4
You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up close
& personal: -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60
Communication
-------------
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the
television or picking up a newspaper: +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.
He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good
time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they
enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and
after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs
to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you
realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly
six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very
loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him
that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship;
maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that
he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd
have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way
we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we
just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we
heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together?
Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking...so that means it was...let's see...February when
we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's,
which means...let me check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an
oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship,
more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed
it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why
he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of
being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right.
And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What
cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a
goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry,
too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the
way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.
That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next
to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly
do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is
in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning
to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...Oh God, I feel so..."
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...It's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.
There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one
that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him
to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it
involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he
opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply
involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he
never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him
that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty
sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's
better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Rogers policy regarding
world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In
painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything
he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word,
expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible
ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for
weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never
getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend
of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm,
did Elaine ever own a horse?"
Dating Rules For College
1. In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual
tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it
means somebody's horny.
2. In an imaginary world, "I really like spending time with you" and
"you're cool" mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE
cool. In college, it means "will you fuck me?"
3. In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true
love, in college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.
4. In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses
you goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no such thing
as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a hell
of lot more that a kiss goodnight.
5. In an imaginary world, men aren't afraid to admit their feelings.
In college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed you
they respond, "Why do you think?" Refer to number one for definition.
6. In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that. In
college it's a fuckfest or pretty close to it.
7. In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In
college, you're lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by.
Or if they do call back, refer to number one again, for the reason.
8. In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college,
cute guys are asses, unattractive men are desperate, and nice guys
finish last.
9. In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college, it
happens every night between drunk strangers, who don't even know each
others names. IT ALWAYS SEEMS MEANINGLESS TO AT LEAST ONE OF THE
PARTNERS!
10. In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe, woman.
In college, you ARE the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean, Alisha, Sara,
Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Jeff, Gretchen, Andi
The ABC's of ex-boyfriends
A is for Asshole. What his name becomes forever after.
B is for Belching. The one talent he thought would make him a star.
C is for Castration. Lorena Bobbit icons adorn many an altar...
D is for Dick. When Asshole becomes too endearing.
E is for Empty. The condition in which he left your heart, your wallet,
your CD cases and your gas tank.
F is for Farting. The usual follow-up to another activity that starts
with F.
G is for Gay. YOU made him that way. Again.
H is for Help. Remember when at first he used to say, "need some help?"
in that nice way? But when he left it was, "you NEED some help" with
that little smirk on his face..
I is for Idiots. Of course, HE called them friends...
J is for Jism. That which, no matter what, will NEVER come out of your
black velvet dress that made him so hot you had to blow him in the
garage at that New Year's party, but then he HAD to come in your hair...
K is for KY. You begged him to use KY when he did that..thing. You
know, that thing...
L is for Liable. Which he is, according to your attorney.
M is for Money. It's always about money, isn't it...
N is for Nosering. He got it when he lived with you, though you told
him how stupid it looked. Of course it came out immediately after
leaving your driveway.
O is for Orifice. They are not each all purpose.
P is for Penis. It ran his life, but you'll be DAMNED if it's going to
run yours!
Q is for Quicklime. It aids in decomposing a body very quickly, rumour
has it.
R is for Republican. It's actually a good thing he left, isn't it..
S is for Streetwalker. Also for Susan, his last girlfriend before you
who coincidentally was a streetwalker.
T is for Taste. His. All bad. EACH ONE.
U is for Urine. On the toilet seat. Enough said.
V is for Valentines Day. That along with all other holidays went by
unrecognized on his calendar.
W is for Whipped. He thought he was, pussy variety. You thought he
should be, cat-o-ninetails variety.
X is for Xanax. A lovely little tranquilizer on which you depend now
that he's gone.
Y is for Yolanda, the bitch cunt he slept with three weeks after moving
in with you.
Z is for Zeppelin. As in, you can never listen to Zeppelin again
without wanting him dead.
Larry Vermont came home weeping bitterly. He had gone to
propose to his girl and his father eagerly awaited her response.
"So what happened, Larry?" the old man asked. "Did she accept?"
"Oh, Dad, she sure didn't. When I told her what you advised me
to do, she slapped my face and sent me home."
"Did you start out by saying what I told you to, what I told
your mother when she accepted my proposal? `Dear, time stands
still when I look in your eyes.' Did you say that?"
"Holy smokes, Dad, I got it all wrong. I said, `My dear,
your face would stop a clock!'"
A young man returned from a dance at a coastal resort. He was
sporting a huge black eye. When asked if he had run into a door,
he replied he had been struck by the beauty of the place.
I dated two pretty girls last week!
One was pretty fat and the other was pretty ugly.
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd
scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu.
Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works.
Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either
When do you know the relationship has leveled off?
When you start thinking about food!
What's the ultimate cheap date?
Taking an anorexic to dinner.
A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely
gorgeous woman. The first thing he noticed about her though,
was her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no
obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them.
After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants
up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
"Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?"
"Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."
"Jimmy Peters has his heart set on marrying the widow Rogers,"
Ella Fitz told her friend. "He asked her last night."
"He did? Now that is surprising."
"Yep. He asked if he could take her husband's place."
"And what'd she say?"
"She said it was OK with her. All he had to do was make
arrangements with the undertaker."
AN EXCERPT FROM "THE RAMBLING GUY'S GUIDE TO DATING IN THE NINETIES":
Sooner or later in that big quest we call the "Search For Love," our
eyes wander across the Personal Ads in the local paper. Some of us even
go as far to call and take a chance at finding Mr/Mrs Right via this
newsprint Dating Game. Now, we aren't gonna name names but let's just
say that I may have a bit of expertise in this field (Okay. So when it
said "Rubenesque," I really thought there was going to be some kinky
action involving Russian dressing, Swiss Cheese, and Saurkraut.). Be that
as it may, please allow this ill-be-gotten advisor of love to help you
avoid my pitfalls as we disect a common personal ad:
"Witty, spontaneous, mischievious, yet angelic, SWF 32, 5'8", blnd,
enjoys camping, the outdoors, weekends away. Sks tall NS SWM, 30+
intelligent with a lust for life."
Now let's break that down:
"Witty, spontaneous, mischievious, yet angelic..." - under
treatment for schizophrenia, at times heavily sedated.
"...SWF..." - Student of Wheel of Fortune....uh oh.
"..32..." - wasn't that OJ's number?
"...5'8"..." - big boned.
"...blnd.." - she's blind.
"....enjoys camping..." - likes to sleep around.
"...the outdoors..." - currently, she's homeless.
"...weekends away." - runs home to Mother when things go bad.
"Sks..." - there's that damn "Wheel" thing again. Needs to buy a vowel.
"...tall..." - has recurring nightmare about midgets from circus.
"...NS SWM..." - Naturally Stupid Super Wealthy Male.
"...30+..." - Okay, a little IQ is okay.
"...intelligent..."- Don't screw with me during PMS...or when
"Wheel" is on.
"....with a lust for life." - willing to do some macho dumb guy
thing that will get themselves killed, leaving all the insurance money
and vast wealth to her.
See, it's easy to see the true meaining, if you just use a bit of
deductive reasoning. This one wasn't so tough after all. I'd date her.
I'll admit right off, I'm not a bar guy. Never have been, probably
never will. I just don't have the self-confidence it requires to get
shot down that much and yet keep trying. As a writer, though, I'm
supposed to observe humanity, so I recently went to a bar, staked out
a table next to some attractive women, and took a good look at the
circus parade of human male freakdom that hit on them.
My favorite person of the night was Mr. Freudian-subtext. He stroked
his oversized beer bottle like a penis, shaking it to make white foam
come out. Cute. And what latencies were we observing when he then put
it in his mouth and drank from it? Hmmm? There was also
Mr.I'm-too-sexy-for-my-shirt, so named because he had it open so far.
Yes, those mediocre pecs and five chest hairs were extremely impressive.
But overall each guy, as he passed, was pretty much like a car salesman,
trying the sales pitch and moving on, braving rejection on a scale I
could never face.
At the sleazy end of the spectrum there was the used-car dealer.
"Hey there little missy, have I got just the ride for you. It's a
1970 model, but it's got extra low mileage and that's important nowadays.
Each mile means another woman who could've sat at that baby's wheel,
and you don't know if the air-bag was engaged each time. But I'm
offering you a clean, quality ride in air conditioned comfort on a
model that was previously owned by a little old lady who only rode it
on Sundays."
Then we move up in class a bit to your favorite car salesman...
Mr.Let's-make-a-deal. "Okay, you've worn me down. I'm gonna sweeten the
pot here. Not only am I gonna give ya two free drinks, but... call me
crazy, because I've gotta be insane offering a deal like this... I'll
throw in a pancake breakfast at Denny's. Go, shop around, see if
anyone's offering better. But you'll be wasting your time. I know.
I already put on a wig and cruised the bar to save you the time and
trouble of having to shop around. I've checked out my competition and
I know for a fact that no one's going to give you a better deal...
Tell you what. I'll throw in no strings or committments for ninety
days."
And of course, at the top end of the spectrum... The Luxury Guy.
"This is a tight and toned high-performance model with a hard
suspension, yet a rich upholstery that screams 'superior level of
comfort.' Take it out for a spin. You'll find that it hugs the
curves and roars through the straightaways. I can also proudly offer
you our two hour extended service plan. If you'll just follow me out
to the parking lot, I can give you a _quick_ demo."
I left the bar before the night was over, so I don't honestly know how
many of these guys succeeded. But, as I walked across the parking lot
to my car, I did see The Luxury Guy. Some woman had stepped on his
clutch and was trying to kick his gear shift into neutral. Yeah, I'm
just not a bar guy. Never have been, probably never will. But I must
admit, I'm getting tired of driving everywhere alone.
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