Date Type Jokes

Date Type Jokes

Types of Boyfriends

Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
 Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, 
                Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
 Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
 Disadvantages:  Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell.
                   Let's stay home and watch TV."
 Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, 	
                Slow Mover. Jerk
 Advantages:  Stays put; predictable
 Disadvantages:  Royal pain in the ass

Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
 Also known as:  Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
 Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
 Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
 Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, 
                Big 'n' Dumb
 Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
 Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
 Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, 
                Drug Addict
 Advantages: Well rested; easy target
 Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

The Sneak - "Who, me?"
 Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
 Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
 Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like 
                 crazed weasels, OK?"
 Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
 Advantages: Perpetually aroused
 Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous.  I don't
 know how, but--"
 Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of 
                Wind, Fool
 Advantages: Tells good stories
 Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love 
             like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
 Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
 Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
 Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

Consumer Reports Magazine

  Well it's been almost 20 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed 
girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972).  Since then, styles have changed, new 
features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has 
changed substantially.  So we here at CU decided another report was 
needed. As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you 
need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, 
dictate the final product which you should consider.  Do you want an 
intellectual companion?  A baby factory?  A hiking partner?  Or just 
lots of good, old-fashioned sex?  Identifying your needs is the first, 
and most important, step in selecting a girl-friend.
  The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how 
much you are able to spend.  This is largely determined by your 
physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have 
a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the 
resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model.  On the other hand, if 
you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are 
more limited.  Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering 
your selection.  Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend 
can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice; due to inflating 
expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase*
with time.

 Used vs. New?
  A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get 
a new or a used girlfriend.  The answer to this question will, roughly 
speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the following table:

   Your age      Used or New
   1-12 years    (see note A)
   13-16 years   New
   17-21 years   Used, but not used up
   22-35 years   Used heavily
   35-60 years   New (see note B)
   60+           (see note A)

   A: Seek psychiatric help
   B: Only "new" if income $100,000/year.  Otherwise, "divorced".

   New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad 
experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will 
rarely be old enough to open their own checking account.  Used 
girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, 
with the initial problems worked out, but CU advises that you avoid 
models which have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr).  
Much greater than the average may be an indication that the 
girlfriend was a professional.

  Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern 
will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup 
on such items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc.  Other 
accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which 
come pre-equipped with children, or the ability run 10 miles while 
chanting sanskrit.  In such cases you should make a list of 
accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked.  Note that some
 accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others 
(such as a large bosom) must be factory installed.(Not sure if this 
is true...)

 The Test Ride
  When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential.  The test 
ride ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range 
from the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively 
hip ("dance with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus 
comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!").  CU rates as Not Acceptable 
"Smile, you'll look better."  Once on the test bed, evaluate handling, 
stability, and acceleration.  The two questions you want to answer are: 
how fast, and how far?  Examine the detailing.  Does the bosom sag?  
Does the heater warm adequately, or does she remain cool?

 Ordering vs. On-The-Lot
  Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many
potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories 
wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option.  Delivery 
time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live 
in), and CU questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have 
access to the baby factory, you should reconsider your need for a 
girlfriend anyway.

  Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, 
selected to typify the average seeking population.  All tests were 
performed at CU's specially constructed test facility, which included 
a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns 
surrounding the facility.  A series of seven tests were run, evaluating 
each product according to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, 
humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.
  Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity.  Within
each category, variation is not statistically significant.

 Category Comments

  Goddess - This is the woman of your dreams.  She comes equipped with 
all the options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue 
subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, 
understand what you mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed.  
No mental or hysical hang-ups.  The drawback is that this model is not 
actually available.

  Goddess-in-law - This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with 
contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, 
an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey 

  Ms. Right - The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. 
Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the 
wrong size or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term 
investment. Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be 
found with luck.  Usually shows up when you are not looking or is a 
friend or relative of current girlfriend.

  Babe - This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options. 
Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and 
suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your 
long-term girlfriend needs. Extremely high maintenance, this is wallet 

  Friend - The model with the most empathy.  Caring and kind but you 
wouldn't be caught dead in it.  Availability is excellent, often the 
last ones in the tavern.  Has a chameleon like character after several 
beers are consumed. Can look like Babe going into the test drive, but 
will return to friend status come early a.m. after test drive is over. 
Yeah, Her The Ford Escort of girlfriends.  Widely available, but useful 
as a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to 
be spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull finish.

 Until you find her, we at CR wish you Happy Hunting

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