55 WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES
1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as
to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the
waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the
restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for
your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know
what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms
outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well
in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date
begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their
plate than they do.
19. Drool.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and
spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being
placed in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head
waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different
part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date
finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so
long in the restroom?!?"
23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their
plates.
25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep
bringing the subject up.
26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the
windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits,
and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and
pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e
anything on the table that isn't bolted down.
33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
35. Auction your date off for silverware.
36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings
your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the
waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter
returns with another potato for you, have the first one back
up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape,
and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.
40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber
language, or just nonsense).
42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the
table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one
of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the
menu. Take one bite.
44. Bring 20 or so candles with you, and during the meal get up
and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking
them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a
lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order
coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage
of the free refills.
48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In
a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on
the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
49. Accuse your date of espionage.
50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to
pay the bill.
53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
WAYS TO PISS OFF YOUR GIRLFRIEND: DATING DON'TS FOR GUYS
There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to
say or do on a date...
"I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use
this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired."
"I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you."
"I used to come here all the time with my ex."
"Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice
. on the answering machine every hour."
"I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I
wouldn't have given someone like you a second look."
"And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest."
"I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good
butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask."
"It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just
won't be as smart as I am."
"I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to
consider it.
"I'll bet you're a lot better in bed than you look."
Keep telling her she's not "that" fat.
Introduce her to your friends as your little "Suckslut"
Insist that she whore herself to buy you an expensive gift.
Brag about her blowjob skills to her father.
Tell her you can only get aroused if she bleats like a sheep.
Replace her birth control pills with laxatives.
Insist on drinking out of her diaphragm at the dinner table.
Shave her cat.
Rape her cat.
Say that if she "really" loved you, she would wipe your butt after
each bowel movement. Even while you're at work.
Call out her brother/father's name during sex.
Tell her you are into group golden showers.
Suggest lesbian sex with her sister.
Dig her used tampons out of the garbage and return them to her.
Have her be the only girl at a "Three Stooges" marathon.
Lock the toilet seat in an upright position.
Pretend to go down on her, then cough up some dead flies (NOTE:
requires prop - dead flies).
Urinate in her mouth and innocently say "at least it wasn't come!"
After each sexual act, lean back and sigh..."I've had better..."
Buy her nothing but sleazy sex toys on every holiday.
Ask her if she ever felt like a woman trapped in a man's body.
Comment on how attractive she looks with those extra pounds. Be sincere.
Cover the wall of your bedroom with pictures of Imelda Marcos.
Stare longingly and whisper, "the times we could have had."
Extol the virtues of polygamy at length.
Buy a laptop computer. Bring it with you at all times. Mutter, "gotta
have priorities."
Dress up in a Superman costume. Tell everyone your girlfriend said you
were the "Man of Steel."
While on walks, insist that the "little guy" needs some fresh air too.
Tell her parents EVERYTHING that happens on your dates. Use diagrams.
Ask her if her family has a long history of skin problems.
Rent the movie "The Fly." Buy a sausage. Nuff said.
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