Miscellaneous Food Jokes

Miscellaneous Food Jokes


 
Food Spoilage Test

FINALLY, a way to know what to throw-out and what to save!

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what
you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is
probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled
when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled
when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing
but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is
already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese
but you realise you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is
spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting
problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or
wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away
perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries.
Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a
three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is
spoiled.

BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable
"spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread.
Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good
indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical
laboratory experiment.

FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT
It never spoils.

CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded
when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the
vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it
turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball
should be disposed of. Carefully.

WINE
It should not taste like salad dressing.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy
undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor,
it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick,
but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS:
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard
the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware
containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a
hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.



HOW TO COOK A TURKEY

Step 1:  Go buy a turkey

Step 2:  Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD

Step 3:  Put turkey in the oven

Step 4:  Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5:  Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6:  Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7:  Turn oven the on

Step 8:  Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9:  Turk the bastey

Step 10:  Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11:  Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12:  Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13:  Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14:  Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15:  Take the oven out of  the turkey

Step 16:  Floor the turkey up off of the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18:  Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19:  Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20:  Bless the saying, pass and eat out



  An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he
hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's
any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells
him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they
deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and
he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
  Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with 
the pizza.  The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing 
uncontrollably.
  He asks the delivery man, "What the Heck did you put on this pizza?"
  The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you
ordered, pepper only."  



  A couple of Asians are touring the United States.  They were 
elated to discover that one of our favorite foods was the hot 
dog.  After buying some from a street vendor, the first Asian 
unwrapped his dog and upon examining it, made a disgruntled noise.
  "What's wrong?", asked his friend.
  "I'll tell you, after you tell me what part you got."



  Two gentlemen are driving down the interstate and decide to 
stop at a Truck Stop for dinner. They sit at the counter and
when the waitress arrives, both gentlemen order hamburgers. 
The waitress promptly goes to the freezer, pulls out two 
patties, and places one each under each arm. When asked what 
the hell is going on, she calmly explains that they have no 
way to defrost the patties since the microwave is broken. 
  Send one man to the other, "Boy, I'm sure glad I didn't 
order a hotdog." 



For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.

 
 
  My husband invited his law partner for dinner with our family.  
We were all seated around the table and my husband remarked, 
"Ann, what a fantastic new dish!" 
  At this, our seven-year-old piped up, "That's not a new dish. 
That's the dish I had my turtle in."


 
  Well the other day I walked into a bakery and there were two 
doughnuts, a big one and a little one. I picked up the big donut 
and this women goes, "Hey don't be greedy you shouldn't have 
that big doughnut all to yourself!" 
  So I replied "Well I'm at the front of the queue! Anyway which
one would you have chosen?" 
  The women said "The little one, of course!" 
  And I answered: "So what are you moaning for, I left it for you!"



  One cold December day, a tourist in decided to find out if the 
locals were as cheap as he had heard. He stopped at a farm 
cottage, told the farmer's wife he was freezing to death, and was 
invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth.
  Once inside the house, he complained of being thirsty. The woman 
handed him an enormous white crockery mug filled with milk. After 
taking a big swig, the impulsive guest exclaimed, "This is sweet 
and fresh...you are most generous!"
  She replied modestly, "It's nothing. My family wouldn't drink 
that milk because we found a dead rat in it."
  Sick to his stomach, the tourist clapped both hands over his 
mouth, allowing the huge mug to fall to the floor and shatter on 
the stone.
  The woman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air, brought 
it down on the visitor's head, and hollered, "Get out, you 
ungrateful pig! I take you in my home, I let you share my fire, 
I give you milk to drink... and now you repay my kindness by 
breaking the children's potty!"



What's moist and pink and split right down the middle?
A grapefruit.



  My eight year old daughter was reading the back of a lemon 
juice bottle while we were eating our dinner. Noting that the 
bottle said that it was "not made from concentrate" she asked 
me what that meant.
  I told her that it was made from distracted lemons. While my 
wife was shaking her head in the disbelief, my daughter, in a 
thoughtful tone, said "that must be why they got caught."



  Gloria heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. 
She left a note for her Milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons 
of milk. 
  When Alan read the note he felt there must be a mistake.  
He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked 
on the door to clarify the order.  
  Gloria came to the door and Alan said, "I found your 
note to leave 15 gallons of milk.  Did you mean 15 gallons 
or 1.5 gallons?"
  Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my 
bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
  Alan said, "Pasteurized?"
  Gloria said, "No, just up to my neck."



  A well-dressed man approached a woman at a Gotham health 
food store and in a clipped British accent asked her exactly 
what she did with the tofu in her basket.
  She said she normally puts it in the refrigerator, looks
at it for several weeks and then throws it away.
  The man replied, "That's exactly what my wife does with it. 
I was hoping you had a better recipe."



OREO PSYCHO-PERSONALITY TEST

Psychologists have discovered the ways people eat Oreo cookies 
provides great insight into their personalities. 

Choose which of the following best describes your favorite 
method of eating Oreo cookies:

1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each
   bite afterwards.
4. In little feverish nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid such as milk, coffee, etc.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo's.

Your Personality:

1. The whole thing.
  This means you consume life with abandon, you're fun to 
be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. 
You're totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with 
their children.

2. One bite at a time.
  You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people 
who eat their Oreo's this very same way. Just like them, 
you lack imagination, but that's ok, not to worry, you're 
normal.

3. Slow and Methodical.
  You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're 
very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to 
the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. 
Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the
speed limit.

4. Feverish Nibbles.
  Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. 
You always have a million things to do and never enough time 
to do them. Mental break downs and suicides run in your family. 
Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked.
  Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You 
like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize 
bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial 
about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity
towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie.
  You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in 
breaking things apart to find out how they work, though 
not always able to put them back together, so you destroy
all the evidence of your activities. You deny your 
involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive 
liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie.
  You are good at business and take risk that pay off. 
You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are 
greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. 
You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you 
don't care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
  You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
  Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional 
medical help -- immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies.
  You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear 
nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are 
particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. 
Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You 
are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you.



  Delighted by the gift she had received, the lady spoke 
warmly to the boy,  "At church tomorrow, I'll thank your 
mother for this lovely pie."
  "If you don't mind, ma'am," the boy suggested nervously, 
"would you thank her for two pies?"



  The young man applied to the manager of the entertainment 
museum for employment as a freak, and the following dialogue 
occurred: 
  "Who are you?"
  "I am Enoch, the egg king."
  "What is your speciality?"
  "I eat three dozen hen's eggs, two dozen duck eggs, 
and one dozen goose eggs, at a single sitting."
  "Do you know our program?"
  "What is it?"
  "We give four shows every day."
  "Oh, yes, I understand that."
  "And do you think you can do it?"
  "I know I can."
  "On Saturdays we give six shows."
  "All right."
  "On holidays we usually give a performance every hour."
  And now, at last, the young man showed signs of doubt.
  "In that case, I must have one thing understood before 
I'd be willing to sign a contract."
  "What?"
  "No matter what the rush of business is in the show, you've 
got to give me time to go to the hotel to eat my regular meals."



Here's an actual press release from the Libertarian Pary in
the United States.  

California decriminalizes Caesar salad and Libertarian Party 
cheers "victory"

WASHINGTON, DC -- California decriminalized the sale of Caesar
salad this week -- and it's not a moment too soon, the Libertarian
Party said today.
  "When you outlaw Caesar salad, only outlaws will eat Caesar 
salad," noted the party's Director of Communications, Bill Winter.
"That's why, on the issue of Caesar salad, we Libertarians have 
always been pro-legalization."
  Selling Caesar salad became a crime last year when California
legislators passed a new health law banning the sale of food that 
used raw eggs as an ingredient. Unexpectedly, the law included 
Caesar salad, which uses uncooked eggs in its unique dressing.
  Restaurant owners and fans of the popular salad were outraged.
The outcry convinced state legislators to file a new bill to cancel 
the criminal status of Caesar salad -- and, presumably, end what 
might have become a flourishing black market in contraband romaine 
lettuce, raw eggs, and Parmesan cheese.
  The bill, signed into law by Governor Pete Wilson on Monday,
has Libertarians cheering -- but a little surprised.
  "We have to compliment California legislators for their rare
display of good sense," acknowledged Winter. "Although we're a bit
surprised that they were courageous enough to toss the Caesar salad 
law entirely."
  Libertarians had expected politicians to take a more timid,
gradual approach, said Winter, perhaps...
  
 * Implementing a five-day waiting period for Caesar salad, so
the government could do a medical background check for raw-egg
allergies.
  
 * Legalizing only "medical Caesar salad" -- whereby people with
a vitamin deficiency could get a doctor's permission to buy a 
small amount of Caesar salad for their own personal use.

 * Launching an anti-Caesar salad TV advertising blitz, perhaps
with a commercial showing a frying pan, and then showing a frying 
pan with a raw egg in it. The voice-over could be: "This is your 
brain. This is your brain on Caesar salad."

 * Allowing only adults, 21 and over, the right to buy Caesar
salad, on the grounds that it may be an adolescent's gateway-salad 
to stronger stuff, like macaroni salad or three-bean salad.

  But Libertarians say they are delighted with the bold, unexpected 
victory over the "Just Say No to Caesar Salad" lobby -- and argue 
that it's a win for libertarianism and the American way of life.

  "We support the Constitutional right of every American to keep
and bear a Caesar salad -- or, rather, to eat and buy a Caesar 
salad," said Winter. "All joking aside, it's a setback for those 
political eggheads who think they have the right to micromanage 
every aspect of our lives -- down to the type of salad we buy in 
a restaurant. Hopefully, politicians will learn to just lettuce 
alone."



  This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and 
after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home 
to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work.
  Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she 
has an incredible hand when she notices the time.
  "Oh, no!  I have to go fix my husband his dinner!  He's 
going to be so angry if it's not ready on time."
  And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand 
forgotten on the table.
  When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, 
not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in
the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of 
cat food.  In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs 
in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as 
her husband is pulling up.  She watches in horror as he sits 
down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!
  "Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for 
me in forty years of marriage.  You can make this for me any 
old day, mmmmm!"
  And that night they had sex for the first time in months 
and it was great!
  Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this 
dinner for her husband.  She tells her bridge cronies about 
it and they are all horrified.
  "You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking 
your chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner
and then, afterwards, they would boink like fiends.
  Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women 
the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for 
being so callous.
  "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food 
every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so 
calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
  The wife stoically replied, "Ahh, I didn't kill him.  
He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass."



"If vegetarians love animals so much, 
why do they eat all their food?" 



Vegetables aren't food.  
Vegetables are what food eats.



I didn't climb my way to the top of the food chain 
to become a vegetarian.


 
  "I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex
in my life.  In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my 
kitchen table."




Stop The Torture of Innocent Plants!

It's no longer good enough (or PC) to be a vegetarian ...

  Laboratory plants never have a nice day. They never feel the 
sun or the rain or the wind. They never sink their roots into 
the earth. And many of them end their lives in a laboratory 
blender. This senseless brutality must be stopped!

The Plant Liberation Front demands an end to taxonomism, an 
end to discrimination on the basis of phyletic origin. We 
demand an extension of the Constitutional right of due process 
to all forms of life: no organism shall be deprived of life, 
liberty, or habitat without due process of law.

WE DEMAND:

  The University must end all experiments on plants immediately.
All experimental plants must be transplanted to a suitable habitat
and allowed to grow unmolested. All plant tissue cultures must be
placed in an appropriate medium for differentiation, and the
resulting plants transplanted to a suitable environment.

  The University must end all lawn mowing and tree trimming. STOP
THIS SENSELESS SAPSHED IMMEDIATELY! Its only function is to impose
the esthetic values of Western human culture on plants by force.

  The University must end cruelty to food plants. All food plants
must be killed humanely. The brutality of salad bars must be ended,
every day on this campus, innocent plants are being peeled alive,
sliced alive, and put out to be eaten alive.

  The University must ban phyletic slurs desensitizing humans to
the rights of plants. We must not allow a human in a coma to be
called a "vegetable." We must root out of the language references 
to "fruits" and "nuts," to "corny" humor, and "the pits." Such 
terms demean both the plant majority and the human minorities 
they are directed against.

  All University, corporate, military, and government bureaucracies
and their associated paperwork must be immediately abolished; this
will save the lives of countless millions of trees.

[Editor's Note: Not to mention how much more smoothly the government
will run once it has been abolished.]

  Plants must be liberated from human oppression, and from internal
oppression. We demand an immediate end to apical dominance. We
demand equality of genes, an end to the dominant/recessive
relationship, and the immediate inactivation of all regulatory
genes.

  The Plant Liberation Front envisions a world in which all genes, 
all cells, and all organisms have the freedom to develop to their 
full potential, a world free from phyletic chauvinism. To bring 
this about, radical ethical, legal and institutional reform is 
needed. But the change must begin in our daily lives.

If you love plants, DON'T EAT THEM!



  It was a fantastic weekend.  A fella down the block
invited the entire neighborhood over for a barbecue to 
prime sirloins, T-bones, and filet mignons.  It just 
shows you what can happen when a person's heart opens 
up and his freezer breaks down.



  A young kid was going down the road pulling his wagon.  
He meets this old farmer who is pushing a wheelbarrow full 
of manure. The kid asked him where he going.
  The old farmer replied "Goin' over to put this on my 
strawberries."
  The kid says, "Geez mister, you should come to our house.  
We put cream and sugar on ours."



  A man walks into a shop and asks for a packet of 
helicopter crisps.
  The shopkeeper replies, "I'm sorry. We've only got plane."



  Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as 
a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother
after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the
office.
  When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the
kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie,
giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny
came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father,
who again gave it to a guest.
  This was too much for Little Johnny, who said,
  "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."



  A popular evening class at my local community college is
"Introduction to Wines," a course in which students learn 
correct pairings of wine and food.
  After sampling some German wines, the professor pointed 
to a male enrolee and asked, "What do you think would go 
well with this Riesling?"
  The man paused a moment, then replied, "A date?"


 
  Cassie was taking two of her Grandsons on their very first 
train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC.
  A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something 
neither had ever seen before.  Cassie bought each one a bag.
  The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into 
his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel.  When the train 
emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and 
said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
  "Why not?" replied the curious brother.
  "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."



  Little Johnny was left to fix lunch.  When his mother returned 
with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the 
tea. So the two women sipped their tea happily while having lunch 
and chit-chatted.
  Afterwards, when her friend had left, Little Johnny's mother 
talked to him.
  "Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" his 
mother asked.
  "Ma, I couldn't find it, so I used the fly swatter." replied 
Johnny.
  His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added, "Don't get 
excited, ma, I used the old one!"



  A Wildlife photographer friend of ours accompanied us to a 
restaurant and regaled us with stories of the strange things 
he has eaten while on assignment in tropical rain forests.  
One Christmas he was on an expedition far from home and shared 
a meal with some natives.
  As he contemplated the main course of large white grubs, 
he thought sadly of the typical American feast he was missing.
  One of the locals who had been traveling with him notice his 
melancholy mood.
  "I know what you are feeling," the man sympathized.  
"The grubs in my village are better too."




Lifesavers Least Popular Flavours.

Disembowlmint

Marion-Berry

Rocky Roadkill

Fruit-of-the-Loom

Sonny 'N' Cherry

Urinal Mint

Headcheese

Suck This

3-Minute Epoxy

Rashberry



  A baker is just getting ready lock his front door when 
a man rushes up.
  "I need to have a cake made right now!" he exclaims.
  "I'm sorry," replies the baker.  "But I was just closing 
up.  I've dismissed my staff; I've shut down my machines; 
I'm afraid you'll have to come back tomorrow."
  "I can't wait until tomorrow!" insists the man. "It's 
absolutely imperative that this cake be made right now!"
  The baker always liked to think of himself as a nice guy,
so he says, "All right, I'll see what I can do."
  He goes inside and turns all his appliances back on.  He 
then approaches the counter and ties on his apron. 
  "Okay, what is it you need?"
  The man whips out a sketch from his pocket.  It's a very 
well drawn depiction of a cake.  "It has to look just like 
this," says the man. "Exactly one foot wide, one foot long, 
and six inches tall.  White frosting, blue icing, and a red 
cursive "S" in the middle.  Just like this."
  Somewhat startled, the baker ponders the sketch for a few 
moments and replies. "I think I can do that.  It will be 
ready in about half an hour."
  "Half an hour!?" exclaims the man. "That won't do. I need 
this in fifteen minutes."
  "Fifteen minutes?" responds the baker.  "I'm not sure I 
can do that.  I suppose I might be able to get it done that 
fast if I used some pre-made dough. It wouldn't taste as 
good but..."
  "I don't care.  Just get to it, please," blurts the man, 
while checking his watch frantically.
  So the baker goes back and makes the cake.  He works 
faster than he ever has before, and somehow produces the 
cake in just under fifteen minutes.  He presents it to 
the man fresh out of the oven.
  "Will this be sufficient?" he asks.
  The man takes a measuring tape from his pocket.  He checks 
the length, width, and height very carefully.  He then 
compares it to the sketch.  Suddenly, a look of horror comes 
across his face.
  "No no!" he exclaims. "The 's' is the wrong shade of red!  
It has to be the same shade as the sketch.  Oh, what will I 
do now??"
  "Calm down," says the baker.  "If the shade really is a 
problem I think I can re-ice it.  It may take a few more 
minutes..."
  "You can?" asks the man anxiously. "Well please, get going!"
  So the baker quickly takes the cake back and puts on a new "S".
A few minutes later he brings it back to the visibly distraught 
man. "There you go. Is this what you were looking for?" he asks.
  Once again the man scrutinizes the cake, checking every detail.  
He compares the shades of red, and this time decides they're all 
right. 
  "Okay" says the man quickly, "this is good.  Can I pay you now."
  "Of course," says the baker, hastily readying the cash register.
  "Now, the boxes we have available are over here.  Do you want 
to pick one out?"
  "Oh no, that won't be necessary," answers the man.  
"I'll eat it here."



  A father, visiting America from Europe for the very first
time, goes up and down the aisles with his son at the local
Giant Food Store.
  Dad: "Vas diss??  Powdered orange juice??"
  Son: "Yeah, Dad.  You just add a little water, and you have
fresh orange juice."
  A few minutes later, in a different aisle:
  Dad: "Und vas dis??  Powdered milk?"
  Son: "Yeah, Dad.  You just add a little water, and you have
fresh milk!"
  A few minutes later, in a different aisle:
Dad: "Vat a country, vat a country!  Look here!!  
Baby Powder!!"



 
  A couple run a small Chinese restaurant, work very hard 
indeed, and live above the shop. One night (late, a very 
busy evening) they are lying in bed.  The wife is dead to 
the world but the husband can't sleep, is restless, and 
about 3.00 am starts feeling horny.  So he gives his 
snoring wife 2 minutes of dedicated elbow in the ribs.
  She wakes up, "Whaaa...??"
  "I fancy a . . . 69!!!"
  She sits boltright up in bed, "I'm not makin' any lemon 
chicken this time of night!"



ITALIAN FOOD, 
by Liz Anya, Manny Kotty, Minnie Stroni and Lynn Guini

THE TIN CAN COOKBOOK, 
by Billie Gote

STOMACH CRAMPS, 
by Henrietta Greenapple

TIME TO EAT, 
by Dean R. Bell



   "Ever since I ate those oysters last night, 
my stomach's been giving me fits!"
  "Were they fresh oysters?
  "How would I know?"
  "Did they smell unusual when you took them out
of the shell?
  "You mean I was supposed to take them out of
the shell???"



  At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud 
young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and 
everything. He was served a piece of meat, he picked it up 
with his fork, held it up and smirked, "Is this pig?"
  Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly, "Which end 
of the fork are you referring to?"



  A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked 
bread may be health hazard." The article went on to describe 
the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, 
apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may 
break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).
  I was horrified. When are tobacco companies, but when is the 
government going to go after Big Bread?
  Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered 
should make anyone think twice...

1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.

2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
   households score below average on standardized tests.

3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in 
the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; 
infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died 
in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and 
influenza ravaged whole nations.

4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within
   24 hours of eating bread.

5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been 
   proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to 
   suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than 
   that in one month!

6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low
   occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and 
   osteoporosis.

7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of
   bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after 
   only two days.

8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to
   "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut  butter and 
   even cold cuts.

9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body 
   is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread 
   could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive 
   food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding 
   person.

10: Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees
    Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less 
    than one minute.

12: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish 
    between significant scientific fact and meaningless 
    statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the
following bread restrictions:

1: No sale of bread to minors.

2: No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.

3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the
   societal ills we might associate with bread.

4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which 
   may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5: A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.

  Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares
about this crucial issue.

Remember: Think globally, act idiotically.




Uncle Jack and Aunty Mable
Fainted at the breakfast table.
Let this be an awful warning
Not to do it in the morning.
Ovaltine has put them right
Now they do it morn and night
Uncle Jack is hoping soon
To do it in the afternoon.
Hark the herald angels sing
Ovaltine is a damned good thing.

 

What kind of girl does a hamburger go for?
Any girl named Patty.



What opera is about hamburgers?
The Barbecue of Seville.



What dance does a hamburger love?
The char-char.



Why are hamburgers better than hot dogs?
Because hot dogs are the wurst.



What is a hamburger's favorite story?
Hansel and Gristle.




Rejected breakfast cereals

Queerios
  you pour milk on them and they eat themselves!

Prostitutties
  After you pour milk on them, they don't "snap, crackle
& pop",  they just lay there and bang!



  A few years ago Sunday Morning had a feature about a 
woman who took over a restaurant in rural Nebraska and 
was determined to introduce the locals to better and 
more adventurous foods. To her surprise, the farmers 
took well to French and Italian dishes. But one item 
she could not persuade the locals to eat was sprouts.
  As one old farmer said, "I've been a farmer all of 
my life, and I know silage when I see it."



Mary:  Do you like raisin bread?
Harry:  Don't know.  Never raised anything but cucumbers.


It's not the minutes spent at the table that makes one fat...
it's the seconds.


Destiny shapes our ends, but our middles are of our own chewing.


Definition of a pickle:
  A cucumber soured by a jarring experience.


Mama corn to baby corn...the stalk brought you.



ODE TO SPAM

When the battle cry is over and the smoke has cleared away
Historians pick their pens up to record each bloody day;
Some will tell of sieges, some of great retreats
But always there is one who'll dwell on what the soldiers eat.

When he makes that diary of beans, hard tack and stew
There's one thing he'll have to mention & devote a page or two;
It won't be fried potatoes, or cans of southern yam
T'will be this army's standby...that mystery meat called Spam.

Jackson had his acorns, Grant his precious rye,
Teddy had his poison beef...worse you couldn't buy;
The doughboy had his hardtack, sans this modern army's jam;
All armies on their stomachs move, this one moves on Spam.

For breakfast they will fry it, at dinner it is baked;
For supper...what a delicacy...they have it paddycaked,
Next morning it's with flapjacks, or maybe powdered eggs;
Where the hell they get it all?  They must order it by kegs.

Oh, you haven't seen the last of it there's plenty yet to go;
For dinner it's in a GI pan, with a lovely crust of dough;
Perhaps you didn't like it, it has you in a rash
But if you're specially watchful, it's in the supper hash!

Next morning's winding chow-line leaves you just regrets.
You never would have believed it, now it's Spam Croquettes!
And when at noon, as you return, to get your ration dole
Your eyes bulge out, you start to swear, it's Spam in Casserole.

Surely for this evening's meal they will cook up something new.
But these cooks sure are uncanny...now it's in the stew.
And thus this endless circle goes, it never seems to cease.
Spam in stew, Spam in pie, and Spam in boiling grease.

We've had it tucked in salads with cabbage for corned beef.
We've had it for an entree, perhaps an aperitif;
We've had it with spaghetti, with chili and with rice,
I remember such a happy day - we only had it twice.



  An old lady is sitting in front her TV knitting and watching 
when she hears a knock on the door.  When she opens it, there 
is a salesman standing on her doorstep.
  She asks, "Yes?"
  The salesman explains that he is selling watermelons for a 
delivery service, and that every other day, they would deliver 
a watermelon to her doorstep.
  "My that's a splendid idea."  the old woman says, so she 
signs up.  The salesman tells her that she would receive her 
first watermelon in two days, then he leaves.
  Well, two days go by, and no watermelon.  Four days, no 
watermelon.  Six days, still no watermelon. 
  The old lady calls up the watermelon delivery service, and
demands, "Where are my watermelons?"
  They explain that they have been delivering them to her 
doorstep for the past couple of days, so they ask if there 
are any people that might walk by her doorstep, thinking that 
it's theirs.
  She says, "Why yes, I share my front porch with my new next 
door neighbours."
  The people on the phone also tell her that in order to 
eliminate any confusion, they always write the initials of the 
customer on the watermelons, so whomever has been taking them, 
was probably knowingly stealing them. They tell her that maybe 
she should find out from her neighbours, if they have been 
taking the watermelons.
  By now, she's furious!  She hangs up the phone and hobbles
over to the next door neighbour's front door and knocks it
with her cane.  A big hairy guy in a t-shirt and holding a 
beer can answers.
  She asks, "Sonny, have you been stealing my watermelons?"
  The guy explains that he doesn't know what the hell she's 
talking about, so the big guy calls down his son, and asks 
him if he knows what happened to the watermelons.
  The son says proudly, "Yes I done took the watermelons, 
and I et dem!"
  The man furiously takes off his belt, puts his son over his 
knee and gets ready to give the poor boy a whippin' like he's 
never had before.
  Before the boy could finish his explanation, "But Dad, on 
da watermelons, it said on dem..." the father gives the boy 
several lashes with the belt.  The kid's screaming and crying, 
arms and legs are flailing about. 
  After that was all over, the father sent the boy up to his
room.  He got out his chequebook, and explained to her that 
he would pay for the watermelons, and that the boy would not 
steal them any more.  So he asked the old woman to whom he 
should write the check out to.
  She replies, "Oh just write it out to me.  My full name is...
Esther Alice Thomson."


   
You Really Don't Wanna Know...

What they mean by "chicken parts" on the list of ingredients 
in hot dogs

What the "other" is in "palm, soybean, lard, or other oils"

What salad bars were like before "sneeze guards"

How "aged" your steak really is

How somebody found out that licking frogs (and only a very
specific species of frog) had hallucinogenic effects

How many inferior red food-coloring agents were used before
chemists stumbled on an extract from the Guatemalan banana 
beetle

That "monosodium glutamate" is actually worse than it sounds

What the sources are for all those ingredients in multi-vitamin
tablets

How the heck hamburger gets contaminated with e-coli bacteria
in the first place!

What other techniques were tried before early cheese makers
discovered that the scrapings from the inside of a calf's 
stomach would curdle milk

What kind of animal a "salisbury" is

Why with all the folds, cracks, crevices, and layers on a head
of lettuce that you never find even the smallest bug or worm

Why the "Ground Fresh Today" sticker on the package of
hamburger meat doesn't have a date stamp. And the one that 
says "Ground Fresh Monday," doesn't say which Monday.

Why the Department of Agriculture had to set a limit of "four
and one-half gnats or parts thereof" in a 16 ounce jar of apple
sauce

If "You can't believe it's not butter!" then what is it really?



What is the difference between boogers and broccoli?
You can't get kids to eat broccoli.



  When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son 
pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he 
spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.  
  "What are you doing?" his mom asked.
  "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the 
boy explained.  "I'm looking for the seal."



  My oldest Granddaughter Christina, loves to play lil' Mommie
with the Grandkids younger than her. She even "fixed" breakfast 
for her brother and her cousin.
  When Jimmy was not eating his toast, and Laine was not eating 
his Rice Krispies, she admonished them with, "Jimmy!  Eat your 
toast, it's almost cold. And Laine! Eat your cereal, it's almost 
quiet."



What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.




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