Hot Sauce Jokes

Hot Sauce Jokes

  Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off
because no one else wanted to do it.  Also the original personal 
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing 
there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon 
when the call came.  I was assured by the other two judges that 
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me 
I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this 
as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet 
writer and therefore known and adored by all.
  Here are the scorecards from the event:

  Chili # 1:  Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE:  A little too heavy on tomato.  Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO:  Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild.
ME:  Holy smokes, what is this stuff?  You could remove
  dried paint from your driveway with it.  Took me two beers 
  to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one.  These 
  people are crazy.

  Chili # 2:  Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE:  Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork.  Slight
  jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO:  Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
CAMERON:  Keep this out of reach of children!  I'm not sure what
  I am supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people 
  who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the
  front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional 
  wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging 
  sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She 
  has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill.  I will 
  NOT pick a fight with her.

  Chili # 3:  Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE:  Excellent firehouse chili!  Great kick.  Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO:  A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON:  This has got to be a joke.  Call the EPA, I've located
  a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano.
  Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I
  could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; 
  now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.  She said her 
  friends call her "Sally."
  Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

  Chili # 4:  Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE:  Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO:  A hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish
  for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON:  I felt something scraping across my tongue but was
  unable to taste it.  Sally was standing behind me with fresh 
  refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.  When she 
  winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled--it's kinda 

  Chili # 5:  Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE:  Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly ground
  adding considerable kick.  Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO:  Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
  Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON:  My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes.
  I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics.  The
  contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given
  me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly 
  on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other 
  judges asked me to stop screaming.

  Chili # 6:  Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE:  Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance
  of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO:  The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
  garlic. Superb.
CAMERON:  My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
  gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except 
  Sally.  I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

  Chili # 7:  Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE:  A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
JUDGE TWO:  Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili
  peppers at the last moment.  I should note that I am worried
  about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON:  You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the
  pin and I wouldn't feel it.  I've lost the sight in one eye and 
  the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes 
  are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at 
  some point.  Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me.  Go 
  Sally, save yourself before it's too late.  Tell our children 
  I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop 
  breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.  
  If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach.
  Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on 
  my tongue.

  Chili # 8:  Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE:  This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither
  mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 
  Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO:  A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe
  for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
CAMERON:  Momma...

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