People here in Eastern North Carolina eat Chitl'ns (Chitterlings=hog guts). Do you know how to cook chitlins? Boil the shit out of them. My wife is a fitter and turner. She fits food into pots and turns it into shit. My wife has a black belt in cooking One chop and your dead! "My wife is such a lousey cook that if I leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves" My partner's cooking is so bad that we pray AFTER we eat. Wife: "The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie." Husband: "Which is this?" Being retired, I have more time to help out my wife in the kitchen; like putting all the fires out for one thing. Around my house no one ever sez, "Guess who's coming to dinner" because nine times out of ten, it's the paramedics. You Might Be a Bad Cook if... There are bones in your toast. Everything you cook seems is leftovers. The judges in the Beverly Hills Bake-off vote for Elly May Clampett's biscuits over yours. The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter. Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a firetruck siren. Those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy christmas cookies. You used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, but that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan! You've ever burned through the bottom of a pan while cooking. You forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heatwave and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better. The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols. You refer to flour moth larvae as 'a little extra free protein.' Anyone has ever broken a tooth while eating your homemade yougurt. Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a pot nine days old tastes like. You tell them that the grey fuzzy stuff on top of it 'is good for them.' If you avoid the hassle of having to ever reseason your cast iron skillet by always leaving the remains of the last thing you cooked in there for 'flavor.' (Remember that Star Trek episode, 'Mudd's Women'?) You hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew. There's no such thing as an unusable leftover. You know dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. You've ever messed up a salad. The family pets are no where to be found during dinner. The family seems really interested in going to that restaurant that always has trouble passing the health inspection...at dinner time. You have cooked dishes that are more appetizing after two months in the back of the fridge. Two confirmed bachelors were talking when the conversation eventually drifted from politics to cooking. The first guy said, "I got a cookbook once but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy stuff in it, eh?", asked the other. "You said it", the first guy replied. "Every one of the recipes began the same way, 'take a clean dish'..." A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law and was surprised to find his young nephew, Little Johnny, helping them bake the cupcakes. After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Johnny to put the icing on. When he had finished, he brought them to the table. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Johnny," his uncle said. "How did you get them iced so evenly?" as he took a large bite into the first of them. His nephew replied, "I licked them." A few years back my wife wanted to take a stab at making some homemade jelly, so being the obliging fellow that I am I said I'd help her out. In the process of preparing all of the required materials she discovered that she needed several small glass jars, and being that we'd just bought a house with a root cellar full of old glass bottles and jars I knew where to get just the jars she needed. So, down to the basement I went, where I picked out a dozen or so of the jars I felt were appropriate for this jelly making expedition, brought them back up to the kitchen and put them on the counter. I then went about my business elsewhere. A short time later I came back into the kitchen to find my wife weighing each of the jars on the small food portion scale we kept on the counter, and telling me that these jars wouldn't work. I politely then asked her "What Are You Doing?", whereupon she proceeded to explain to me that, "This recipe called for 1 dozen 6 ounce jars". SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it! Martha Stewart doesn't live here!! I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too! So this isn't Home Sweet Home...Adjust! Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself! I clean house every other day...Today is the other day! If you write in the dust, please don't date it! I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener! My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it! COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards. You may touch the dust in this house...but please don't write in it! Apology... Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this...Some days it's even worse. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines. Gardening forever...Housework, never! Dull women have immaculate houses. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. Housework done properly can kill you. If you can't have your cake, AND eat it... Then next time make more cakes Don't use your cutting board - use your toilet seat instead. After testing various household surfaces in 15 homes for bacteria, researchers from the University of Arizona told New Scientist magazine that toilet seats were much more hygienic than most kitchen surfaces...and cleaning the punchbowl is a snap. Mr. & Mrs. Smith have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Mr. Smith comes home from work and says that he has invited 4 of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night. The wife is a bit apprehensive and asks if she must cook a meal for the four. The husband explains that there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife. Since this is there first party, the husband consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake. Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six. Hubby says, "Why don't you just double the recipe?" "I just can't do it," wifey weeps. "It's impossible." "What's the matter?" "Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..." "So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them? "Yes, well, actually it isn't the ingredients," the wife sobs, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven, and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!" Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them. The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible." The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God." "She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?" "Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me." A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you, I'm gay." His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?" The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!" Beginner Cook Are you a cook? Neither am I. When dinner comes I only sigh, Wake up the phone and his book And let somebody be my cook. A pizza is a trusty meal, A color frantic tasty wheel. It disappears in your friends And lets the party never end. But cooking is a tempting craft And gazing down the oven's shaft I start to wonder if I can Create a dinner in a pan. The cooking magic I will work! No more I'll be a takeout dork! I'll prove the world what I can be! I'll make a meal for you and me. Into the kitchen with brave strides I walk like wolf, who danger bides. And looking back to high school days I recollect my mother's ways. Spaghetti? Oh, that sounds good! I grab the package where I stood. Potatoes I shall add to that. They'll make it better, so I bet. My mother always said to add the veggies, but they make me mad. To top it off I think I'll put some oil in (I heard I should) I say a prayer, turn the knob, And a blue flame begins to sob. It's magic, that's why it's so blue. It makes my tasty dinner stew. It starts to boil soon enough, And bubbles make the oil rough. And lo-'n-behold it starts to burn Just when it knows my back is turned. I quickly knew something was wrong When my stew's smell became too strong. But no fear, my dear friends, God blessed me with intelligence. All fires are quenched by water thrown, That's one sure thing I've always known. So thinking quick I pour some in And see a frightening thing begin. A fiery face came to my eyes, It must be Satan in disguise! It grabbed the stove in fire's grasp! Behind I heard a frightened gasp. What happened next I won't describe, But threaten death, or give a bribe, Or loose a lion in my den. But never shall I cook again!!! |
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