Did you hear about the Scot who gave up golf? He lost his ball. Did you hear about the Scot who took up golf? He found it. A Scottish hotel is an establishment where they pinch the towels off the guests. Have you heard about the new Scottish film? "The hilands of the lambs" starring Ewe Grant, Cybill Shepherd, Maryl Sheep and Charlotte Ramling. The sound track "(I'm going to) Grazeland" is from Paul Salmon. Jock dropped a penny one day and as he bent down to pick it up it hit him on the back of the head. Little known fact - copper wire was invented by two Scotsmen fighting over a penny How do you get 20 Scots in a mini? Throw some loose change into the car. How do you get them out again? Ask who's paying for the petrol How can you tell if a Scotsman is a Macdonald? Lift his kilt - he's a Macdonald if he's got a Big Mac and two Half-pounders. A Scotsman won the lottery yet had a very long face. When asked why, he replied, "Aye, it grieves me to think of the dollar I wasted on the second ticket." A Scotsman complained to a magazine that if they didn't stop printing Scottish jokes, he wouldn't borrow their magazine to read anymore. Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts? Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "My thoughts are a bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?" A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched, sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the condom over carefully, and says, "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders for a moment, then says, "I'll be back." Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!" Mrs. MacTavish was very sick. The only light in the room, a tiny candle, showed the pallor of her complexion. "I don't think I'll make it through the night," she told the mister. "Aye, and I'd love to stay with you my dear," said MacTavish, "but I must get my evening chores down. If you feel yourself slipping away while I'm gone, could you please blow out the candle first!" Then there was the Scotsman that was so badly in need of some money that he took some out of his bank! The stingiest man in Scotland was the chap who paid his daughter ten pence not to eat dinner, then, while she slept, he stole the money back. The following morning, he refused to give her breakfast because she had lost the coin! "Well, MacSwegan, your last daughter's all married off! How do you feel?" "Wonderful! The confetti was starting to get dirty!" Campbell had quite a tilt to his kilt, if you'll pardon the expression. In fourteen years of marriage, he and the missus had produced fourteen strong, healthy children, and a new one was on the way. "Ian," said the missus shortly before number fifteen arrived, "Let's get a new crib for the baby. This old one is shot after fourteen babes!" "It looks sturdy enough to me," replied Campbell. "No, it's coming apart at the seams! The slats are all loose, the wheels are worn and the mattress has bare spots where the springs are coming though." "All right," stormed the Scot! "I'll get a new one: but this one better last!" The handyman had just returned to the farmhouse after finishing the backbreaking job of removing rocks from the field. Mrs. MacDougal, the farmer's wife, decided to thank him for his work, and handed him a drink of Scotch, saying, "This is the good stuff! It's twenty-five years old!" The handyman, also a pure Scot, looked at his glass and replied, "A bit small for it's age, isn't it?" The first sign of summer is when a Scotsman throws out his Christmas tree. Two Scots were walking down the street when one spotted a ten dollar bill laying on the ground. The second one, who hadn't seen it, borrowed it to buy a pair of glasses. "I hate my new glasses,' said young Wallace. "Why's that," answered his friend. "If I don't take them off when I'm not looking at anything, my father hits me upside the head for trying to wear them out." The jet plane left Heathrow airport, and was barely into it's flight when it suddenly started to rattle. The quick thinking pilot immediately set a course northward. As soon as he crossed the border into Scotland, everything tightened up! Winters are fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman. Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the landlord asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?...perhaps they weren't the right color?" The foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty." Why don't you wear them?" The foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didn't hear him!" They asked why Jock was looking so glum. "I just found a pay packet in the street," he said. "Then you should be laughing," said his Scottish mates. "Nay, look at this," said Jock. "Look at the bloody tax that's been deducted." A good friend of mine was recently touring Scotland. After stopping in a local store he spied a kilt that he absolutely had to have. After haggling with the shopkeeper for an extended period of time, they arrived at a mutually agreeable price far below that which was posted. My friend then took out his Velcro wallet and proceeded to open it, at which point the shopkeeper exclaimed "Ay, now that is a good Scots purse, it even screams when ye open it!" A Scotsman was looking for a room to rent for the night. While walking through a rather dilapidated neighborhood, he came upon a sign outside of a rooming house: MCPHERSON'S INN $20 Only A Room 20 Course Dinner Dancing Girls Bottle of Whiskey All for $20 The Scotsman walks up to the rooming house, knocks on the door, and asks the lady that answers, "Would that be a pint or a quart of whiskey?" In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!" So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it." So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear. When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?" "Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed. "Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here. "Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly. Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!" |
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