Scottish Jokes

Scottish Jokes

Did you hear about the Scot who gave up golf?
He lost his ball.

Did you hear about the Scot who took up golf?
He found it.

A Scottish hotel is an establishment where they pinch the 
towels off the guests.

  Have you heard about the new Scottish film?
"The hilands of the lambs" starring Ewe Grant, Cybill Shepherd, 
Maryl Sheep and Charlotte Ramling. 
The sound track "(I'm going to) Grazeland" is from Paul Salmon.

Jock dropped a penny one day and as he bent down to pick it up 
it hit him on the back of the head.

Little known fact - copper wire was invented by two Scotsmen 
fighting over a penny

How do you get 20 Scots in a mini?
Throw some loose change into the car.

How do you get them out again?
Ask who's paying for the petrol

How can you tell if a Scotsman is a Macdonald?
Lift his kilt - he's a Macdonald if he's got 
a Big Mac and two Half-pounders.

  A Scotsman won the lottery yet had a very long face.   
  When asked why, he replied, "Aye, it grieves me to think 
of the dollar I wasted on the second ticket."

  A Scotsman complained to a magazine that if they didn't stop
printing Scottish jokes, he wouldn't borrow their magazine to 
read anymore.

Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away


  A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone 
wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For 
several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked 
at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
  "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
  The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the 
cheek. Then he blushed.
  Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. 
  After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your 
thoughts, Angus."
  The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "My thoughts 
are a bit more serious this time."
  "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
  "Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid 
me that first penny?"


   A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an 
Apothecary.  From his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has 
been heavily used, torn, patched, sewn, and is currently split 
down one side.
  He asks the proprietor, "How much to replace this, Ian?"
  The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four pence."
  Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?"
  The prop. looks the condom over carefully, and says, "Three 
pence to repair."
  The Scotsman ponders for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
  Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his 
face and says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"

  Mrs. MacTavish was very sick. The only light in the room, 
a tiny candle, showed the pallor of her complexion.
  "I don't think I'll make it through the night," she told 
the mister.
  "Aye, and I'd love to stay with you my dear," said MacTavish, 
"but I must get my evening chores down. If you feel yourself 
slipping away while I'm gone, could you please blow out the 
candle first!" 

Then there was the Scotsman that was so badly in need of some 
money that he took some out of his bank! 

  The stingiest man in Scotland was the chap who paid his daughter 
ten pence not to eat dinner, then, while she slept, he stole the 
money back.
  The following morning, he refused to give her breakfast because 
she had lost the coin! 

  "Well, MacSwegan, your last daughter's all married off! 
How do you feel?"
  "Wonderful! The confetti was starting to get dirty!" 

  Campbell had quite a tilt to his kilt, if you'll pardon the 
expression. In fourteen years of marriage, he and the missus 
had produced fourteen strong, healthy children, and a new one 
was on the way.
  "Ian," said the missus shortly before number fifteen arrived, 
"Let's get a new crib for the baby. This old one is shot after 
fourteen babes!"
  "It looks sturdy enough to me," replied Campbell.
  "No, it's coming apart at the seams! The slats are all loose, 
the wheels are worn and the mattress has bare spots where the 
springs are coming though."
  "All right," stormed the Scot! "I'll get a new one: but this 
one better last!" 

  The handyman had just returned to the farmhouse after finishing 
the backbreaking job of removing rocks from the field. Mrs. MacDougal, 
the farmer's wife, decided to thank him for his work, and handed him 
a drink of Scotch, saying, "This is the good stuff! It's twenty-five 
years old!"
  The handyman, also a pure Scot, looked at his glass and replied, 
"A bit small for it's age, isn't it?" 

The first sign of summer is when a Scotsman throws out his 
Christmas tree. 

  Two Scots were walking down the street when one spotted a ten 
dollar bill laying on the ground.
  The second one, who hadn't seen it, borrowed it to buy a pair 
of glasses. 

  "I hate my new glasses,' said young Wallace.
  "Why's that," answered his friend.
  "If I don't take them off when I'm not looking at anything, 
my father hits me upside the head for trying to wear them out." 

  The jet plane left Heathrow airport, and was barely into it's 
flight when it suddenly started to rattle. The quick thinking 
pilot immediately set a course northward. As soon as he crossed 
the border into Scotland, everything tightened up! 

  Winters are fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the
estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for 
his foreman.  Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing 
the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the landlord asked, 
"Didn't you like the muffs?...perhaps they weren't the right color?"
  The foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty."
  Why don't you wear them?"
  The foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, 
but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didn't hear him!"

  They asked why Jock was looking so glum.
  "I just found a pay packet in the street," he said.
  "Then you should be laughing," said his Scottish mates.
  "Nay, look at this," said Jock. "Look at the bloody tax 
that's been deducted."

  A good friend of mine was recently touring Scotland. After 
stopping in a local store he spied a kilt that he absolutely 
had to have. After haggling with the shopkeeper for an extended 
period of time, they arrived at a mutually agreeable price far 
below that which was posted.
  My friend then took out his Velcro wallet and proceeded to 
open it, at which point the shopkeeper exclaimed "Ay, now that 
is a good Scots purse, it even screams when ye open it!"

  A Scotsman was looking for a room to rent for the night. 
While walking through a rather dilapidated neighborhood, 
he came upon a sign outside of a rooming house:

$20 Only A Room

20 Course Dinner

Dancing Girls

Bottle of Whiskey

All for $20

  The Scotsman walks up to the rooming house, knocks on the
door, and asks the lady that answers, "Would that be a pint 
or a quart of whiskey?"

  In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when 
he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first 
  A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad 
went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his 
first kilt.
  He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to 
make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, 
I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it.
I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"
  So the tailor took the material and promised to call the 
young lad when the order was completed.
  A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop.
"Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's 
five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it 
home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."
  So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in 
his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided 
to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.
Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
  When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt 
and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"
  "Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
  "Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," 
he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.
  "Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
  Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he 
exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five 
more yards of it at home!"

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