Russian Jokes

Russian Jokes



How many Russians does it take to run the second greatest 
 nation on earth?
One, if he's a quick study in Japanese.



How many people from Chernobyl take to change a light bulb?
None, they glow in the dark.



What do you use to catch fish in Lake Chernobyl?
Glow worms.



Exactly where is Kiev located?
In the Nukraine.



What do Kiev Citizens have in common with a certain drink?
They're both Black Russians.



What do you call communists in Kiev?
Baldchivicks.



What do you call a Ukrainian who's been sent to Siberia?
Lucky.



What's meant by an exchange of opinions in the Communist party 
 of the Soviet Union?
It's when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, 
and I leave with the party's.



What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?
A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.



What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User's Manual?
The bus and train timetables.



What do you call a Lada on a hill?
A bloody miracle.



What did the Soviet people light their houses with before
 they started using candles?
Electricity.



What is Communism?
It's the longest and most painful of the roads to capitalism.



What's the difference between one ruble and one dollar?
One dollar.



  As an answer to the Euro, the USA, GB and Russia decided to 
synchronize their currency. One pound of ruble is one dollar.



How does one get fresh air into a Russian church?
One clicks on an icon, and a window opens!



Heard in a Russian department store:
Customer: Don't you have any shoes here?
Salesman: No, we don't have any furniture, here.  
          No shoes is one floor down.



If you're American in the kitchen, and European in the bathroom, 
 what are you on your way to the bathroom?
You're a Russian!"
 


  Every philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room;
Marxist philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room,
but the cat isn't there; Soviet philosophy is like looking for a 
black cat in a dark room, the cat isn't there, but you keep 
shouting, "I've found it! I've found it!"



  A dejected Communist Party candidate trudges home after the
polls close.
  "So, Ivan, how many votes did you get?" asked his wife.
  "Two," he responds.
  She slaps him hard across the face.
  "What was THAT for?!" he asks.
  "You have a mistress, now, do you!?"

 

   A Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car.
After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit 
surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for 
the new car to be delivered.  He thanks the salesman and starts to 
leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the 
salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will 
arrive?" he asks.
  The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two 
years to the exact week.  The man thanks the salesman and starts out 
again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.
  "Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now 
the car will arrive?"
  The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that 
it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.  
  The man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway 
though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman.
  "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two 
years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?"
  Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another 
time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from 
now on Thursday.
  "That's a relief!" says the man. "The plumber is coming in the morning!"



  Gorbachev decided that now that he was on top, it was time to 
impress his ancient mother.  He sent his private helicopter out 
to the small town where she lived to pick her up.  He met her 
with a fleet of limos in Red Square.
  So, mama. It's good to see you here in Moscow!  Come, we eat! 
  She said nothing about the flight, and followed quietly into 
his limo.  He took her to the best restaurant in town, where they 
were served by an army of waiters.  The food was superb, the wine 
the best money could buy.  She said nothing. You like the dinner?  
Come. We fly to my Dacha for drinks. The chopper picked them up 
and delivered them to the steps of a magnificent building, secluded 
in the outskirts of the city.  Waiters in white coats were waiting, 
and proceeded to serve them with the best Cognac and liquor available.
They sat sipping on the porch, looking out over the view.
  So, mama.  You don't say anything.  Aren't you proud of your 
little Miki?  Haven't I done well?
  She turned to him and replied in a quiet voice. 
  "Miki, baby. Is wonderful time I have here.  Helicopters are so grand 
to fly in.  Food is best I have ever tasted.  And this, a dacha?  This 
is more glorious than anything I could imagine. Yes, Miki. Is wonderful.
I am happy for you.  But Miki, Baby.  What if the communists return!



  Heard at a party in Sweden, being told by a low member of the 
Soviet corps.
  This joke is rather dated as it takes place in the Soviet Union, 
circa 1976, when Brezhnev ruled OK, but the economy sucked.
  A guy in Moscow goes shopping for bread, but getting nearer to 
the bakery, he sees that the queue is one block long.  Discouraged, 
he decides to go and buy potatoes, only to discover that the queue 
there is two blocks long.  Frustrated, he resolves to take a chance 
at buying meat, but the queue at the butchery is three blocks long.  
The guy finally flips, decides that this is all Brezhnev's fault, 
goes home, gets a sharp knife and sets out for the Kremlin, 
determined to kill Brezhnev.  As he approaches the Kremlin, he 
notices a queue that must have been ten blocks long.  Partly out of 
curiosity and partly out of habit, he joins it and after a moment 
asks the man ahead of him:  "What is this queue for?"
  And the man replies, "We are all queuing to kill Brezhnev!"



  When Stalin was in office, he once noted that there were mice in 
his study and complained to President Kalinin about this.
  The President thought for a moment and suggested, "Why don't you 
put up a sign reading 'Collective Farm'?  Half the mice will die of 
hunger and the other half will run away."



  Three men in a Soviet gulag are sitting around the barrel stove 
one night and the subject of what they are incarcerated for comes up.
  The first one says:  "I am here because I voted for Comrade Petrov 
in 1957".
  The second one says: "I am here because I voted against Comrade 
Petrov in 1958".
  The third one says, "I am here because I *AM* Comrade Petrov".



  One night, Yuri Andropov was in the bedchamber having some pillow 
talk with his mistress. He was in a magnanimous mood and offered her
a present of her choice.
  She thought about his offer for a moment and then replied, "Oh, 
Yuri, if there is one thing I would like you to do for me, it is 
this: open the borders just for one day."
  Andropov said, "Of course, my dear," but was a bit puzzled by her
request. He asked, "But why would you have me do such a thing?"
  The mistress replied, "I want to be alone with you."



  A dejected Communist Party candidate trudges home after the 
polls close.
  "So, Marek, how many votes did you get?" asks his wife.
  "Two," he responds.
  She slaps him hard across the face.
  "What was that for?"
  "You have a mistress, now do you!!?"



  A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel
(in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has
been mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status
in the party isn't enough to get him a good room anyway.
However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the
fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm - he'll have to make do with that.
The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase
and heads for the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid
and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his
room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of tea.
As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests
are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're
*very* drunk. They also ignore him totally from the moment
he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he realises
he can't stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them.
  He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light
bulb as if it were a microphone he says, "Comrade Colonel, we 
would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!"
  The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror 
as the chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea 
a few minutes later. In about 30 seconds the Poles have all
packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the
entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly.
  The next morning, however, as he's checking out and is about
to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him,  "By the way, Sir, 
the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your little 
joke last night!"



Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying,
    "No one needs meat today."



  A young member of the Soviet communist party went to his senior 
comrade with a strange request, he wanted permission from the Party 
to emigrate to West Germany. (It is only with the permission of the 
Party that people are allowed to leave Russia.  Often it is 
'granted' as a method of eliminating people with inappropriate 
attitudes.)
  "For what reasons could you possibly want to leave the Socialist
paradise, young comrade?"
  "Well, sir, I have a main reason, and a kind of side reason. The
side reason is this. I know our Party has established a paradise
here in the Democratic Republic, but the reason I want to leave is 
that I am very afraid that it will not last."
  "Don't worry, son! It will last for ever."
  "Well, good, sir, but that brings me to my main reason..."



  Erich Honnecker (the president of East Germany) was invited to 
Moscow by Gorbachev for a visit. After weeks of preparation by 
Gorby, Honnecker arrives in Moscow. As part of the celebration 
activities, there is a big parade through the streets of Moscow.
While the two are watching the parade, Gorbachev takes a small
boy aside and asks him, "Who is your mother?"
  The child replies, "Mother Russia."
  "And who is your father?", asks Gorbachev.
  The boy answers, "Why, its you Uncle Gorbachev!".
  Finally Gorbachev asks the boy, "and what do you want to be
when you grow up?".
  The boy proudly replies, "a good communist!".
  Erich Honnecker, meanwhile, has been watching this and is very 
impressed. So impressed, that he decides to invite Gorbachev to 
[East] Berlin for a visit. Again, after weeks of preparation, 
Gorbachev's plane lands in Berlin. And again, part of the 
celebration includes a parade. Remembering what Gorbachev did in
Moscow, Honnecker repeats the scene:
  He asks a little boy in the crowd, "Who is your mother?"
  The child replies "the GDR [German Democratic Republic--East
Germany]."
  "And who is your father?", asks Honnecker.
  "Why, its you Uncle Honnecker!", replies the child.
  "And what do you want to be when you grow up?", queries Honnecker.
  Without hesitation, the boy replies, "an orphan."



  A Russian wants to emmigrate.
He is asked, why he would want to emmigrate. 
Doesn't he like Russia?
  "I cannot complain"
Doesn't he like his work?
  "I cannot complain."
Doesn't he like his quality of life?
  "I cannot complain."
But why do you want to emmigrate? 
  "Because I cannot complain! In America, I can!"



A recent questionnaire sent out in the Soviet Union contained the
questions:
    1. Where were you born?
    2. Where did you go to school?
    3. Where did you attain your majority?
    4. Where do you wish to live?

One return provided the following answers:
    1. St. Petersburg
    2. Petrograd
    3. Leningrad
    4. St. Petersburg



  It is a well known fact that many of the Russian Tsars were 
heavily into mysticism. For example, Peter the Great was a 
devotee of Astrology.
  Indeed, he was utterly convinced that the motions of the 
planet Mars would reveal the fate of the Russian Empire, as 
the Russians are such a warlike people. He even had a special 
observatory built, just so he could chart the motions of Mars 
personally.
  It came to pass one evening that Peter the Great went to his 
observatory, and saw something that made his blood run cold. 
Rather, it was what he didn't see: Mars had vanished from the 
skies! He flew into a blind panic, convinced that this was a 
sign of the imminent destruction of the Russian Empire. He 
began to make plans to flee from Moscow, in an attempt to save 
himself from the oncoming doom.
  His chief advisors attempted to dissuade him from this action, 
but he was adamant. 
  "Unless one of you can reasonably explain the disappearance of 
Mars," he said, "I will not stay."
  At first, none of the advisors knew what to say, and Peter 
began to make final preparations to flee the country.
  Suddenly, the Head of the Secret Police burst into the room.
  "My Lord! I have the answer!
  My spies have told me that a mystical sect, known only as 'The
Brotherhood', have used some strange magic to move the planet 
Mars. They knew that you would take this as a sign of the 
Empire's end, and plan on seizing control the moment you leave."
  Peter was not convinced at first. "What proof do you have of 
The Brotherhood's plot?"
  The Head of the Secret Police smiled. "Many years ago, The 
Brotherhood printed a book, describing their plan in detail, 
in an attempt to gain more followers to assist them. I brought 
a copy with me."
  And with these words he gave Tsar Peter the book, on the front
of which was boldly emblazoned:  "The Brothers Carry Mars Off"



  Siberia - the local taxi has a big important Moscow businessman
on board. Taxi slows down and stops - in the middle of a blizzard.
  "What's the problem taxi-driver?" ask the Muscovite.
  "No problem, citizen," replies the driver, "We just have to 
change the engine."
  "Change the engine!" cries the Moscow man, "Are you mad man?"
  "No no no problem, stranger," says the taxi-driver, "This is 
Siberia, We do this thing all the time. No Problem. I just change 
the engine, Do it all the time, here."
  He goes outside. Starts tinkering at taxi engine.
  One hour later, Moscow man is shouting screaming, "What the hell 
is going on?"
  Two hours later he is blue in the face - the taxi driver has 
disappeared.
  Three hours later taxi-driver gets back into car. "I've changed 
the engine," he says.
  "Let's be off then," screams the Moscow man.
  "Yeah," replies the taxi-driver, "Just after I drink all this 
vodka I changed the engine for."



  Seems this Russian wine exporter was trying to get his product 
past a bureaucrat who insisted on a payoff. The bureaucrat quoted 
a figure of $10,000 to let the shipment past his checkpoint.
  The exporter replied that the price seemed a little high as for 
only $2000 he could have the bureaucrat killed.
  The wine made it through just fine.



  An British tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take a 
leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't 
find any place to relieve himself. So he just went down one of 
the side streets to take care of business.
  Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police office asked,
"Hey, what are you doing?"
  "I gotta piss, man."
  "You can't piss here. Look, follow me."
  The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of 
grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.
  "Here," said the cop, whiz away."
  The Brit shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the flowers.
"Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian
courtesy?"
  "No. This is the British Embassy."



  Many years ago, After a round of talks, Nixon and Brezhnev drink 
a little vodka and get into a discussion.
NIXON: I hear you have a lot of drunks in the Soviet Union.
BREZHNEV: Not so! That's capitalist propaganda!
NIXON: No, I'm sure of it. You have a lot of drunks!
BREZHNEV: Nonsense. I'll prove it. You can go out at any hour of the
night tonight, and I'll give you a machine gun. If you see any drunk 
you can kill him!
NIXON: Ahhh! Very good... (Evil smile)
  That night, at 1am, Nixon decides to go out. Brezhnev phones 
Andropov, who is head of the KGB, and tells him to get all the 
drunks off the street. So Nixon and Brezhnev go cruising around 
Moscow, Nixon carrying the machine gun in his lap. They drive for
two hours - and not a single drunk. Nixon is in the throws of 
despair, and they are about to head back in, when he spots one 
lone drunk - staggering everywhere - who has escaped the dragnet.
Nixon rolls down the window and blows the guy away.
  Three months later, Brezhnev comes to the U.S., and after 
negotiating with Nixon, they have some Vodka again.
BREZHNEV: Dick, I hear you Americans are a bunch of drunks.
NIXON: Not true. We're hard working people.
BREZHNEV: That's not what I heard. I want the same deal I gave you,
machine gun and all. At 1:00.
  So Nixon calls the police and the FBI and tells them to get all 
the drunks off the road. The two of them go cruising around in a 
limo, Brezhnev with a machine gun on his lap. Three hours - 
absolutely nothing. Brezhnev was tired and says, "Okay, Dick, you 
win. I'm tired. Let's go home."
  Suddenly, as they're heading back to the White House, they see 
a group of 11 people walking down the street, blitzed out of their 
minds.
  Belated, Brezhnev rolls down the window and blows them all away.
  Headline next morning in the Washington Post:
FANATIC KILLS ENTIRE STAFF OF SOVIET EMBASSY!



  An old woman was sitting in a park in Moscow reading a "Teach
Yourself Hebrew" book.  A policeman notices her and decides to
to give her a hard time.
  "What are you reading that for?" he shouts at her.
  She replies, "I am old, and I will die soon. I want to be 
prepared; so I am studying the language of heaven."
  The cop says, "Well, how do know that it's heaven that you are 
going to?"
  The old women answers, "Well, honestly I don't, but that's okay.
I already speak Russian."



  News sources report today that a fire in the main Moscow TV tower
ended in tragedy for some people trapped in an elevator.
  According to unnamed Kremlin officials, the leading theory about 
the fire's origin involves a collision with a mysterious foreign
vessel.



What is the difference between a russian sub and a scrotum.
The scrotum has live seamen in it.



The Russian Submariners Top Ten:

You keep a knock'in but you can't come in
Rescue Me
Under pressure
We all live in a broken submarine
What shall we do with a sunken sailor?
Every breath you take
Knock, knock, knockin' on heavens door
I am the walrus
Baby it's cold outside
Anything by Air Supply



Apparently the U.S. were turned down when they offered to help Russia
out with the Kursk submarine rescue mission. They offered to send over
Monica Lewinsky to suck out all the seamen.



UEFA has just announced that this year's Champions League will only be
played by teams with a squad of 11 players. This is as a mark of respect
to the Russians who have no subs left.



New Russian Navy Anthem 
(to the tune of Yellow Submarine):

Under Stalin, I was born
Became a man who sailed to sea
And I lay here down my life
In the land of submarines.

As we sink into the sea
Till we hit the ocean floor
Where we're stuck beneath the waves
In our Lada submarine.

We'll all die in a Russian submarine
Russian submarine, Russian submarine
We'll all die in a Russian submarine
Russian submarine, Russian submarine.

Salvage crews, they try to board
They all try to force the doors
At the hatch, we begin to pray.

We'll all die in a Russian submarine
Russian submarine, Russian submarine
We'll all die in a Russian submarine
Russian submarine, Russian submarine.

As we lie here, near deceased
Ev'ryone of us, some air we need
Faces blue and stomachs green
In our Russian submarine.

We'll all die in a Russian submarine
Russian submarine, Russian submarine
We'll all die in a Russian submarine
Russian submarine, Russian submarine.



Why do women prefer Russian sailors?
They'll bang away for hours.
 


  Russian president, Vladamir Putin, was being given a tour of his
country's newest nuclear submarine, which was undergoing final fit
out in Murmansk. As he and the captain entered one compartment he 
noticed a crewman was mounting a hammer on the wall. 
  "I like the hammer," he says, "I notice you have put them up in 
many compartments - as symbols of Russian solidarity I presume?
  Oh they are not symbols," explains the Captain, "They're part of 
the sub's communications system."
  "Really? How do they work?" asks a now confused Putin.
  "They are used to tap messages on the hull!".



  A ranking politburo member is touring the farmlands in the country to 
see how this year's potato crop is coming.  He approaches a farmer and 
asks him, "Comrade farmer, how large will the potato harvest be this year?"
  The farmer replies, "The potato harvest this year will be so large that 
it will reach into the heavens!"
  The politburo member states, "Comrade farmer, need I remind you that 
government policy states that there is no god, so therefore, there can 
be no heaven!"
  Says the farmer with a big sigh, "Ah, comrade politburo member, 
I suppose you are right.  And it is just as well...because this year 
there will be no potatoes."



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