Middle East Jokes

Middle East Jokes



Useful Phrases to Know When Traveling in the Middle East


AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN. 
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.


FEKR GABUL CRADAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR. 
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on 
the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.


SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE. 
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought 
in your life.


AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST. 
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel 
in the trunk of your car.


FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA
JEBEHKESH VAREHMAN. 
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital
appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my 
country in public.


KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMERIKAHEY. 
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American 
spies travelling as reporters.


BALLI, BALLI, BALLI ! 
Whatever you say!


MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN. 
The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency.


TIEKH NUNEH OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM. 
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. 
I must have the recipe. 




  Two Iraqi soldiers, during the Gulf War with Iraq, were watching 
their armies getting massacred on the front from the hillside 
position they were occupying.
  The first said, "I don't understand it! Why are we losing so badly? 
Is it because these Russian weapons are no good?"
  The other replied, "No, I think the Russian weapons are just fine. 
I think our problems lie with these Russian military handbooks!"
  The first asked, "Why do you say that?"
  To which the other replied, "Well look what it says on the first 
page...First, retreat into your own territory and wait for the 
Winter Snows..."
 
 

2 pilots are flying over Iraq. They see 2 flying carpets coming
towards them.
Pilot 1: "Are those enemy carpets?"
Pilot 2: "No, they're allied."


   
What mistake should you never make when planning a party?
Having an Arab blow up the balloons. 



How can you make an Arab tourist feel at home?
Fire bomb his hotel.



What would you call an Iraqi with a war medal?
A fucking thief. 



What do you get when you cross a Palestinian with a Wisconsinite?
Yassir Youbetcha!



What's the difference between an Iranian funeral and an 
 English soccer match?
They sell beer at an English soccer match.



What is the national bird of Iraq?
Duck.



What would you call a group of Iraqi women entering a store?
Incoming scuds.



What's the least favorite department store in Kuwait?
Target.



Why are the phone rates so high in Iran?
Because everyone calls Persian to Persian.



Hear about the new Saddam Hussein condom?
They're designed for the man who doesn't know when to pull out.



  There is some good news and bad news about Saddam Hussein's war 
crimes trial. The good news is that President Bush will try him.  
The bad news is, the trial will be held before the Senate Ethics 
Committee.



  Barbara Walters filed a report on gender roles in Kuwait a few 
years prior to the Gulf War, and noted then that, in traditional 
Islamic fashion, women customarily walked about 10 feet behind 
their husbands.
  She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now 
walked several yards behind their wives.  Ms. Walters approached
one of the women for an explanation.
  "This is marvelous," she said.  "What enabled women here to 
achieve this reversal of roles?"
  The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."



  The Iraqi Veterans Association has announced that it will be 
protesting outside the Minneapolis Metrodome during the baseball 
season.  They say that all the waving of "homer hankies" by Twins 
fans is demeaning and degrading to Iraqi soldiers.



Why are there no WalMarts in Baghdad?
Because there is a Target on every corner!"



Top Songs In Baghdad:
  Poppa's Got a Brand-new Bagdad
  Iraq and Roll Will Never Die
  Bombs (bombs, bombs, everywhere bombs / blocking up the scenery...)
  Smart Bombs Keep Fallin' on my Head
  Sadam!  I Wanna' Kill Your Lover!

 

  Did you hear how some of the members of the Iraqi royal family
were trying to remove Saddam Hussein from power?
  Well, apparently one of them caught Hussein having anal relations
with the royal camel, so they tried to impeach him on the grounds 
of "Saddamy". 



Hear about the new Saddam Hussein doll?
Wind it up, and it takes Barbie hostage.



  Saddam Hussein called President Clinton and said, "Bill, I had a
wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole country, 
and on each house I saw a banner."
  "What did it say on the banners?" Mr. Clinton asked.
  Saddam replied, "LONG LIVE SADDAM HUSSEIN."
  Mr. Clinton responded, "You know, Saddam, I am really happy you 
called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad,
and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, 
and on each house flew an enormous banner."
  "What did the banners say?" Saddam asked.
  "I don't know," replied President Clinton, "I can't read Hebrew



  Saddam Hussein, curious to see how his newly implemented decree
allowing Iraqis to travel abroad for the first time in years is 
working, heads down to the passport office. Once there he joins 
the line. One after another the passport seekers ahead of him 
insist that President Saddam take their place. Very quickly he 
has moved to the head of the line and he is dealing with the clerk. 
  The clerk issues President Saddam his passport with lightning 
speed. The president thanks the clerk, then turns around to discover 
that all those in line behind him have vanished without a trace.
  Saddam turns back to the clerk and asks what has happened?
  "Simple," says the clerk, "If you leave Iraq, no one else has to." 



What did Saddam Hussein want for Thanksgiving? 
Turkey. 



What do Little Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common? 
They both have Kurds in their Whey. 



What did Sadaam Hussein and General Custer have in common? 
They both wanted to know where the hell all those Tomahawks 
were coming from! 



What is the best Iraqi job? 
Foreign Ambassador.



Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots? 
You only have to teach them to take off. 



How do you play Iraqi bingo? 
B-2, F-16, B-52... 



Hit Television Shows in Iraq

Husseinfeld
Mad About Everything
U.S. Military Secrets Revealed
Suddenly Sanctions
Allah McBeal
Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest
Matima Loves Chachi
The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs
Wheel of Fortune and Terror
Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
Achmed's Creek
The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right
M*U*S*T*A*S*H
Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque
When Kurds Attack
Just Shoot Me
My Two Baghdads
Diagnosis Heresy
Everybody Loves Saddam Or He'll Have Them Shot
Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things
Two Guys, a Girl and a Fatwah
Totally Clothed Baywatch



  Saddam's latest move to drive the Allies from the Gulf 
is to announce that spotted owls have been found in Iraq. 



  Saddam says that if anybody else compares him to Hitler, 
he'll gas them. 



  U.S. Intelligence sources have confirmed that as early as 
last October, Saddam Hussein planned to launch a SCUD missile
attack on the Super Bowl. 
  He knew it was the one site guaranteed NOT to have Patriots. 



  I heard today that Iraq has developed a special weapon for 
use against the Canadian Navy.
  It's called a rust-seeking missile.
  


(Bagdhad) Following a second day of heavy bombing in and 
around the Iraqi capital, Saddam Hussein today announced 
that he is willing to accept censure.



What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
Nothing....... Yet.
 
 

How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It doesn't matter. They can't turn them on anyway.

How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting,
and at a cost of $800,000.

How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
"We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."
 


What's the difference between Aeroflot and Saddams Army?
Aeroflot has killed more people.



How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.



Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see their Air Force.



  An Iraqi goes to the bank to get his salary from a French Company. 
The Saudi manager of the bank asks him to sign on the back of the check. 
  "That's humiliation," shouts the Iraqi, "Why should the French sign on
the front and I sign on the back. I want my money NOW!" 
  The Saudi refuse to pay him and the Iraqi keeps shouting in the bank
then the American high manager comes with a 5kg hammer and knocks the 
Iraqi on the head. After 5 minutes the Iraqi wakes up, signs the back 
of the check and gets his money. The Saudi clerk goes to the Iraqi and
asks, "Tell me why you didn't sign the check the first time but signed
it later on?" 
  The Iraqi said, "You missed the point, you just told it to me, but 
the American explained it." 



What's the difference between the Iraqi army and toast?
You can make soldiers out of the toast.

 

TOP TEN REASONS Saddam Hussein didn't pull troops out of 
Kuwait by midnight, 15 January:

10. Busy preparing quarterly estimated tax payments

9.  Figured out Bush never said January 15th, _1991_

8.  Tried to but entire Iraqi army sunbathing on Kuwaiti beach

7.  Already answered Tommy Lasorda's request to "Give Ultra Slim 
    Fast a Week"

6.  Out shopping at Macy's White Sale

5.  Didn't want to violate sanctity of Martin Luther King Holiday

4.  No one told him the hostages were let go already

3.  Glued to television set seeing who won Publishers Clearinghouse
    Sweepstakes

2.  In midst of serious negotiations with Lockheed over "invalid during
    act of war" clause in missile warranty

1.  Still trying to meet midnight, 15 January deadline for tendering
    5`cNCR shares to AT&T.

 

Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper? 
They need a map.... 



Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss? 
He elected to receive. 



Alternatives to the Middle East Peace Process between the Arabs 
and the Israelis.

10.  Beauty pagent.
 9.  Scissor, Paper, Rock.
 8.  Eenie-Meenie-Meinie-Moe.
 7.  Arm Wrestling.
 6.  Ask God, and agree to do nothing until there is a definitive reply.
 5.  Jewish leader asks Yasser to step outside.
     When he does, run out the back exit.
 4.  Drag race at Armaggedon--for pink slips.
 3.  Wait for the next Olympics.  Most medals takes the Holy Land.
 2.  Flip a coin.
 1.  Give both sides stock options in Dow companies. Then they will 
     think twice before pulling this kind of crap.





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