Irish Jokes

Irish Jokes



Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.



What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food?
Gaelic breath.



Why aren't there any Irish bisexuals?
Twice a year is too much for them.



Why do the Irish fight between themselves?
Nobody else is worthy.



What's green and falls apart?
A leper-chaun.



What's green and bounces off the walls?
Ric O'Shea!!



Did you hear about the Irishman born with two left feet?
He went out one day to buy some Flip Flips...



  These two Irish blokes are walking past a lumberyard when they 
see a sign saying, "Tree Fellers Wanted".
  One of them turns to the other and says, "Mick, ain't it a pity 
there's only two of us?"



  Two Irishmen making a bomb when 'BOOM', it goes off.
  "Murphy I've lost my legs"
  "No you haven't Paddy, you stupid arse! They're over 
there in the corner!"



Why don't they cremate the dead in Ireland?
It takes too long to put out the fire.



  The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a  valiant effort,
but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.



What's the difference between an Irish funeral
 and an Irish wedding?
One less drunk.



How many Irishmen does it take to srew in a lightbulb?
Four- 1 to hold the bulb and three to drink til the room spins!!



What do you call an Irishman who's been dead 50 years?
Peat.



  Murphy decided to take karate lessons so he could kill
a man with his bare feet.
  On his way home one night he was mugged, but by the time 
he got his shoes and socks off...

 

  At O'Connor's funeral, one of the mourners remarked on the 
wonderful smile he had on his face.
 "I know," said his widow, "it hasn't dawned on him yet".



Then there was the Irish swat team that stormed the Dublin
Zoo and freed all the ostriches.



  The sign at Runnymeade read:"MAGNA CARTA SIGNED HERE 1215."
"Damn it" the Irish tourist said to his wife,"we've missed it
by twenty minutes."



  When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes 
out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was 
the only one who saw any snakes! 


 
Why does an irishman's wake last for three days?
To make sure he's really dead and not just drunk.



How to describe Irish Alzheimers:
  You forget everything but the grudges!


What do you call an Irishman who hangs from the middle 
 of the ceiling of a banquet hall?
Sean D'Olier.



How can you tell if your date is Irish?
His favorite sex toy is "Fix-A-Flat".



How can you spot the Irish yuppie?
He's the one with whisky in his Water Pick.



Why are there no tank battles in Ireland?
They can't find a designated driver.



What would you call someone from the Irish Republican Army 
 who carries a bazooka and dynamite?
A pacifist.



What's Irish and stays outside all year long?
Patty O'Furniture



How can you spot an Irish man in a topless bar?
He's the one who's there to drink. 



Did you know the Republic of Ireland is hard at work 
 on a new airborne weapon?
The SPUD Missile.



What's an Irish homosexual?
An Irishman who likes girls more than whiskey.



They've opened up a new gay bar in Dublin.  
It's called Sodom and Begorra.



The fastest woman alive is an Irish girl, Nan O'Second.



The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. 
Not one horse could get a decent footing on the cathedral roof. 



  O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his 
back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to 
his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
  "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"


 
  A new porter was hired at an expensive Irish hotel and 
wanted to know how he would know the guests names when 
they entered the lobby.
  "Just look for the name on their luggage", he was told.
  Later on, the porter was heard to announce," 
Mr. and Mrs. Simulated Leather"



  A driver followed a motor-cyclist along the road. 
Every time they stopped at a traffic light, the 
motor-cyclist fell over.
  Finally the driver wound down his window and asked, 
"How long have you been falling off your motor bike?"
  "Ever since I sold the sidecar," came the reply.



  "Listen to this," said Kathleen.  "This woman in the paper 
was married four times, and each time her husband died she 
had him cremated."
  "Isn't that just like the thing?" said Mary. Here we're 
sittin' without husbands, and that woman has husbands to burn."



  "Look, Bridget, it says here that it takes seven Angora 
goats to make one of those fluffy-looking sweaters"
  "My,...isn't it wonderful what they can teach animals to
do nowadays."



  "They're still picking up the trash from the big St. Patrick's 
Day parade. Listen to this: the sanitation workers picked up 
50,000 plastic green derbies -- there's a good look, huh -- 
14,000 bottles of beer and Robert Downey Jr."



  An Irishman was talking to his wife and he said, "You should 
always look at the bright side of things. Remember all that 
gold jewelry I gave you last Christmas? Well you should be glad
it turned green in time for St. Patrick's day!"



  There once was an Irishman named Pat, who was born on 
St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching 
in the St. Patrick's Day parade. Pat went to heaven and 
saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 
  St. Peter said, "Who are you?" and Pat replied, "My 
name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's Day,
died on St. Patrick's Day, marchin' in the St. Patrick's 
Day parade."
  St. Peter checked up in his book and saw all this
information was true.
  So he said to Pat, "Yes, this is all true, so here is 
a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in 
and here is a harp that, when you push this button here,
will play 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' You've earned 
it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven."
  Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, 
and it starts to play "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling." He 
heads out into heaven, a smile on his face and a song in 
his heart.
  He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his
little green cloud around for two whole days. However, on 
the third day, he's driving down the main expressway in 
heaven with the harp playing full blast when, all of a
sudden, a pink and white two-tone cloud roars past him.
And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing
all sorts of celestial music. Pat has just enough time to
see that the person driving the pink and white two-tone
cloud has a long nose and a darkish complexion.
  Pat makes a U-Turn right in the middle of the Heaven
Expressway, charges back to the Pearly Gates, jumps
off of his little green cloud and stalks up to St. Peter.
  He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat, I'm an Irishman.
I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's
Day, marchin' in the St. Patrick's Day parade. I come
up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant 
little green cloud and this little harp that plays only 
one song, 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.'
  "St. Peter, there's a Jew over there. He's got a big,
beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and an huge
organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat
the Irishman, want to know why!"
  St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and
motions Pat the Irishman to come closer.  Then he says,
"Pat, shush! *He's* the Boss's Son!"



  Paddy O'Shea got friendly with some of the local 
Boston Irish, and they took him to an upscale "Irish" pub.
  "Amazin', just amazin', that's what America is," he 
said, looking with delight into his glass. "Never have 
I been seein' an ice cube with a hole in it!"
  "Oi sure have," said his host, Michael Sullivan. 
"Bin married to one fer 15 year."



AN IRISHMAN IS A GUY WHO

May not be sure there is a god, but is damn sure of the 
infallibility of the pope

Won't eat meat on Friday, but will drink gin for breakfast

Believes everything he can't see and nothing he can

Is very good at weekends, but not very good at the middle 
of the week

Is against abortion but in favour of hanging

Has such great respect for the truth, he uses it in emergencies

Is irrational in important things, and a tower of strength 
in the trivial

Gets married for life, but not necessarily for love

Can argue either side of question, often at the same time

Sees things not as they are, but as they never will be

Believes in leprechauns and banshees and considers anyone 
who doesn't to be a heathen

Can lick any man in the house he is the sole occupant of

Cries at sad movies, but cheers in battle

Considers funerals a festivity but weddings sad events to 
be put off as long as possible, preferably forever

Hates the English but reserves his cruelty for his countrymen

Gets more Irish the farther he gets from Ireland

Is not afraid of dying, in fact he might prefer it

Believes that God is Irish or at least, Catholic

Believes in civil rights, only not in his neighbourhood

Is against corruption, unless it's a Democrat

Take the pledge not to drink at the age of twelve, 
and every four years thereafter

Believes to forgive is divine, therefore doesn't 
exercise it himself

Believes salvation can be achieved, by means of a weekly envelope

Considers anyone who won't come around to his point of view to be 
hopelessly stubborn

Loves religion for its own sake, but also because it makes it so 
damn inconvenient for his neighbours

Considers a bore to be someone who keeps constantly interrupting

Scorns money, but worships those who have it

Considers any Irishman who achieves success to be a traitor.



 St. Peter answers a knock at the Pearly Gates.
 "What's your name?" he asks. "My name's Sean Patrick O'Malley!"
is the reply.
  "Yes" says St Peter, "I see your name in the book, but it 
notes you were a member of the IRA. You can't come in here."
  "Come in hell!' Is the reply. "I'm giving you ten minutes 
to get out!"



Adam and Eve were Irish??
Adam looked down at Eve and said, "Oh, Hair!"  
Eve looked back and said, "Oh, tool!"



  Paddy and Murphy were walking in a field, when Paddy fell 
down an old disused well.
  "Are ye' all right Paddy?" shouted Murphy down the well.
  Aye!" called back Paddy, "But I've broken both me arms and 
legs, Murphy!"
  "Shall I get help, Paddy?"
  "No, Murphy, I can climb up the side by usin' me lips," 
said Paddy.
  Murphy camps down for a while.  Three days later, there's no 
sign of Paddy.
  Murphy shouts down the well, "Are ye' all right in there Paddy?"
  "Aye, I'm nearly at the ARRRGRHHGHGHHHhhhhhghghhhghh..."



  Patrick, suffering from a severe toothache, got up enough nerve
to visit his dentist, but lost it again when he was about to get 
into the chair.  The dentist told his Nurse to give Patrick a shot
of whiskey kept on hand for just such circumstances as this.
  "Got your courage back now?" the dentist asked.
  "No!" replied Pat. So a second shot was brought, then a third.
  "Now have you got your courage?" asked the dentist?
  "You're God damn right!" Patrick said, squaring his shoulders.
"I'd like to see the son-of-a-bitch who'd dare to touch me 
teeth now."



  Three Irishmen are being treated by a speech therapist for 
stuttering.  The therapist is a real looker and very curvy.  
She is finding it very difficult to make any progress with 
the three men and so she decides to try a reward system.  
She tells the three that she will have sex with anyone of 
them who can tell her where they were born without stuttering.
  The first Irishman stands up, says, "B-B-B-B-Belf-f-f-f-ast,"
and sits down in disappointment.
  The second Irishman says, "D-D-D-Dublin," and also sits down 
with a sad face.
  The third Irishman says, "London."
  In amazement the therapist immediately grabs him, takes into
the next room, from where there are sounds of frantic lovemaking.
After half an hour they return and the Irishman has a stupid, 
satisfied grin on his face.
  Before restarting the session the therapist asks if there's 
is anything that any of the men would like to say.
  The third Irishman raises his hands and continues,
"d-d-d-d-erry."



  Two Irishmen were talking in a Dublin pub. "I wouldn't go 
to America if you paid me", said the first.
  "Why?" said the second.
  "Well for one thing they drive on the right hand side of 
the road."
  "And what's wrong with that?" said the second man.
  "Well I tried it driving to Dublin the other day and it 
was terrible"



  Paddy and Mick were approaching a Londonderry pub which had 
been destroyed by a Protestant bomb only minutes before.  As 
they passed, a head rolled out of the smouldering ruins and 
across the pavement before them.  Paddy stooped, picked it up 
and held it for Mick to see.
  "Shure now Mick, isn't this Sean Murphy?"
  "No, Paddy, no, it couldn't be.  It's an amazin' resemblance, 
but Murphy was taller than that."




Here are some gorgeous examples of how the Irish mind works:

An Irishman is never at peace except when he's fighting

An Irishman will die before letting himself be buried 
outside of Ireland.

You may never live to see your wife a widow.

Gentlemen, it appears unanimous that we cannot agree.

God bless the Holy Trinity.

The most unpleasant thing about him is that when he isn't 
drunk, he's sober.

Talk about thin! Well, you're thin and I'm thin, but he's 
as thin as the pair of us put together.

Half the lies our opponents tell about us are not true.

Your Honor, I was sober enough to know I was drunk.




  The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
  "Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss
the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being
cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps 
we can come back tomorrow."
  "We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We 
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss
the stupid stone."
  "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss 
someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good 
fortune."
  "And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
  "No, ma'am," the irritated guide said, "but I've sat on it."



  A boss was determined not to hire an Irishman, so he decided 
to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer 
the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without 
getting into an argument.
  "The first question is, without using any numbers, represent 
the number 9".
  So Murphy says, "Dat's dead easy" and proceeds to draw three 
tree's.
  The boss says, "What the hells that?"
  Murphy says "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine".
  Fair enough, says the boss. "Second question, same rules as
before, but represent the number 99".
  Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on 
each tree. "Der ya go sir" he says.
  The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you 
get that to represent 99?"
  Murphy says "Each tree's dirty now! so it's dirty tree, 
n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99".
  The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, 
so he says "All right, question three. Same rules again but 
represent the number 100".
  Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts "Got it!" He 
makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says "There 
ya go sir 100".
  The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, Ha! got him 
this time. "Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that 
represents a hundred".
  Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree 
bases, and says, "A little doggy comes along and craps by each 
tree, so now you've got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree 
an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred,
when do I start me job?"



  An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then 
pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him 
on the counter. As he's drinking one drink and the green man 
is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had 
a few too many drinks says, "Hey, what's that little green 
thing down there?"
  The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a 
raspberry, "SPLBLBLBLT!," right in the face and runs back to 
the Irishman.
  The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, 
"Hey, what is that thing, anyway?"
  The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."
  "Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go 
back to drinking beer.
  An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered.
  "Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!" he says.
  The  leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a 
raspberry again, "SPLBLBLBLBT!"
  This time the Englishman is really mad!
  "Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll Chop his 
willie right off, I will!" he shouts.
  "You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't 
have willies." 
  "How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman.
  "They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBT."



  A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very 
sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His 
instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase 
until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a 
desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.
  "Hello, said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called 
Murphy."
  "Well you're in luck," said the farmer, "as it happens,
there's a village right over the hill, where there's a 
butcher called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, three 
widows are called Murphy. In fact my name is Murphy."
  "Aha," thought the agent, "here's my man."
  So he whispered the secret code. "The sun is shining...
the grass is growing...the cows are ready for milking."
  "Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Murphy the 
spy - he's in the village over the other direction."



  Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to 
invade next when his telephone rang.
  "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This 
is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform 
you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
  "Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important 
news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
  "At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's 
calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door 
neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub --
that makes 8!"
  Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million 
men in my army waiting to move on my command."
  "Begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"
  Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein,
the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
  "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
  "Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's 
tractor from the farm."
  Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 
16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and 
my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."
  "Really?" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"
  Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, 
the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! 
We've modified Ted's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the 
cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
  Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you 
Paddy that I have a thousand bombers, 500 MiG 19 attack planes, 
my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air
missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to
2 million."
  "Faith and begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
  Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day.
  "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had 
to call off the war."
  "I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change 
of heart?"
  "Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way 
we can feed 2 million prisoners."



  Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, having left the pub a
wee late one night, found themselves on the road which led past
the old graveyard.
  "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael
O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul.  He lived to the ripe old
age of 87.  Good blood, those O'Grady's!"
  "That's nothing," says Sean.  "Here's one named Patrick
O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.  Aye, those
O'Tooles are a hardy bunch, they are!"
  Just then, Shamus yells out, "Forget him, here's a fella that
lived to be 145 years old!"
  "What was his name?" ask Paddy & Sean.
  Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to 
see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, 
"Miles, to Dublin!"
   
 

 
You Might Be An Irishman If...

you drink beer from a longneck bottle because your doctor 
told you to distance yourself from alcohol.

you think tea is tint for an aquarium.

you think St. Patrick's Day is THE major holiday of the year.

you think singing songs in a strange dialect is a God-given right.

you believe God created Ireland and the rest happened by accident.

you think a hangover is just the morning blues.

you think water is only for fish -- and bathing (occasionally)

you think God gave the Israelites Guinness in the wilderness.

you think all beautiful women are Irish.

you think the Celtics are a ceilidh band.

you think Boston is in Ireland.

you think Scotch-Irish is a mixed drink.

you think the restroom is a place to sleep.

you think lite beer is a punishment.

you think whiskey punch is a sporting event at the pub.

you think a deaf and dumb, tall, statuesque sex goddess
that owns a brewery is the perfect mate.

you think the blind staggers is a good substitute for jogging.

you think a liquid diet is to consume nothing but poteen.

you think English is a foreign language.

you think England is the place your condemned to if you're bad.

you think Dublin is the world capital.

you think Tipper Gore is a bloody drumstick.

you think a sober Irishman is friendless -- or broke -- or dead.

you think the two-step dance is a result of eating Mexican food.

you give an empty Bushmills bottle a wake.

you see leprecauns after the pub closes -- always twins.

the guard says, "How many fingers am I holding up?" 
and you say "All of 'em."

you know what St. Stephen's Day is.

you think a street light pole is a prosthetic device 
to help you stand up.

you think that New Year's resolutions are fine 
-- for that night!

you think God gave the Irish whisky to keep them from 
taking over the world.

you believe that:
 ... all harps have a soul
 ... all music is Irish -- originally
 ... God has a sense of humor
 ... a twelve-step meeting is where you find two pubs
     next door to each other
 ... God invented Guinness bottles with small openings
     to keep the Irish from falling in and drowning
 ... the last song of the evening is the end of the world
 ... all jokes are funny -- after 10 pm




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