German Jokes

German Jokes


What is the German word for constipation?

What's the difference between an English, a French 
 and a German pensioner?
The English one takes a Whisky and goes fishing.
The French one takes a glass of wine and goes playing Boule.
The Germany one takes his cardiac drug and goes to work.

  "Two Martinis, bitte."
  "Nein, I said TWO!"

  "What would you like sir?"
  "Ein bloody steak."
  "Well, do you want some fucking chips with it too?"

  Germans make fast automobiles because anything that *doesn't* 
move fast enough in Germany is in danger of getting ground up 
into sausage.

Why are so many Germans born by C-section?
Ever try to get a square head through a round hole?

How do you make a German chocolate cake?
First, you occupy der kitchen.

Why didn't Hitler drink vodka?
It made him mean.

Why do Germans have huge heads?
Otherwise the mouth would not fit in!

Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products?
So they won't have to go around being nice while they fix them.

  I heard that now that germany was reunited they were thinking 
about getting a new name.
  Odd...Germany was always keen on giving its neighbors a new name...

Happiness is a German cook who doesn't.

  One day Hitler decided to go to a psychic to find out what day he 
would die.
  After looking though her crystal ball, the psychic replied, "Mein
Fuhrer, you shall die on a Jewish Holiday."
  Hitler was shocked!
  He said, "Well which holiday is it?"
  The psychic replied "Fuhrer, the day that you die will always be 
a Jewish Holiday." 

  After much discussion as to where the capital of the new Germany 
should be Bonn or Berlin -- a compromise was struck:  Paris.

How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant? 
The food is great, but an hour later, you're hungry for power.

  A house, inhabited by a Greek on the ground level, an Italian 
on the first floor and a German on second floor, caught on fire.
  Who survived?
The German. He was out practising marching.

  Three guys are debating about which of their languages is the
most pleasing to the ear.
  The Spaniard says, "Consider the word for 'butterfly'.  
In Spanish, this is Mariposa, a beautiful sounding word."
  The French guy says, "True, but Papillon is even more beautiful".
  "What's wrong with Schmetterlink?", says the German...

A Glossary of English/German Motoring Terms

Indicators		Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
Bonnet (Hood)		Die Pullnob und knucklechopper
Exhaust			Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben
Clutch			Die Kulink mit schlippen und schaken
Puncture		Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken
Learner			Die twatte mit ellplatz
Estate Car		Der Bagmerroom furschagginkinauto
Near Accident		Der Fukken ner Schittenselfen
Parking Meter		Der Tennerpinscher und Klockenqweer
Windscreen Wiper	Der Flippenflappen muckenschpredder
Footbrake		Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppenquick
Gear lever		Bigenschticken fur Kangarooshtoppen
Breathalyser		Die Puffitintem fur Pistenarsen
Rear View Mirror	Der Yokhunter Tucklosen
Seat Belt		Der Klunkinklikker Frauleintrapper
Headlights		Das Dipperenderdazzlubastad
Exhaust (old cars)	Der Kaffenundschpitpolluter
Highway Code		Der Wipenfurarsen
Fog Warning		Die Puttenfootdownen und fukkit
Traffic jam		Die Bluddifukkinnk Dammundblast
Rear Seat		Der Schpringentester mit Fraulein
Tires			Flahttfarts
Backfire		Der Lowdenbangenmekkenjumpen
Accident		Der Bledinmess
Garage			Der heiway Robberung
Cyclist			Der pedallpushinink Pillocken
Skid			Der Banannan Waltzen
Double White Lines	Overtaken und Krunchen
Automobile              Honkenbrakenscreecher
Gasoline                Honkenbrakenscreecherzoomerjuicen
Driver                  Honkenbrakenscreecherguidenschtunker
Auto Mechanic           Honkenbrakenscreecherknockengepinger-sputtergefixer
Repair Bill             Bankenrollergebustenuptottenliste
Truck                   Der Fukkengratentrucken  

How many neo-nazis does it take to paper a wall?
Only four, if you smash them really flat.

Have you heard of the new German microwave?
It seats 25

The Germans are such a cruel and inhuman race, they have no 
word for "fluffy."

  A World War II pilot from Brooklyn was reminiscing before school 
children about a hairy dogfight he was involved in with German 
  "The situation was looking grim," he said. "There I was, flying 
along, when all of a sudden I'm surrounded by them German fokkers. 
I look at three o'clock and there's two fokkers...I look at twelve 
o'clock, and there's two more fokkers coming toward me. I look 
behind me at six o'clock, and there's three more fokkers--"
  At this point, several of the children start giggling, and the 
teacher interrupts the pilot. "I think I should point out that 
'Fokker' was the name of the type of aircraft made by the 
German-Dutch aircraft company." 
  "That's true enough, miss" says the pilot, "only these fokkers 
was Stukas!"

Why are there so many tree-lined streets and leafy lanes in France?
Germans like to march in the shade!

Vat, er, What did the German clockmaker say to the
clock that went 'tick, tick, tick'?
"Ve haff vays to make you tock!"

  During ww2 two british pows get taken to german HQ for questioning. 
One is taken to another room. Very soon the following is heard. (in a 
loud voice).
  "You vill answer ze question!" followed by, slap! slap! thud! Brief 
period of silence, then "You vill answer ze question!" followed by, 
slap! slap! thud! again.
  Another brief period of silence, then "You vill answer ze question" 
followed by, slap! slap! thud!... "Und stop hitting me vile I am
talking to you!!"

German Translations

Dog:                   Barkenpantensniffer
Dog Catcher:           Barkenpantensniffersnatcher
Dog Catcher's Truck:   Barkenpantensniffersnatcherwagen
Garage for Truck:      Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagenhaus
Truck Repairman:       Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagen-
Mechanic's Union:      Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagen-
Doctor:                Chestergethumpenpulsentooker
Nurse:                 Chestergethumpenpulsentookerhelper
Hypodermic Needle:     Chestergethumpenpulsentooker-
Backside:              Chestergethumpenpulsentooker-
Piano:                 Plinkenplankenplunkenbox
Pianist:               Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder
Piano Stool:           Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder-
Piano Recital:         Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder-
Fathers at the Recital: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder-
Mothers at the Recital: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder-

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