Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
So the other one could drive!
We have always found the Irish a bit odd.
They refused to be English.
- Winston Churchill
Why did the sun never set on the British Empire?
Because not even God could trust them in the dark.
How can you tell an Englishman is sexually excited?
By the stiff upper lip.
Any crisis, large or small, can be dealt with in Britain
by following the standard government four-stage plan. The
press releases for this are as follows:
1. "We don't think there is a problem. No action needs
to be taken."
2. "There may be a slight problem, but it's not our place
to try to do anything about it."
3. "There may well be a problem, but we must consider all
possible courses of action and not rush into anything."
4. "Well, perhaps we could have done something, but it's
too late now!"
Did you hear what the English, the Irish and the Scots did
when they heard The world was coming to an end?
The English all went out and got drunk. The Irish all went
to church and the Scots had a closing down sale.
An Englishman and a Frenchman are discussing the Channel Tunnel.
The Frenchman is saying how wonderful it is that this co-operative
venture is taking place, and that he never expected the English to
go to such trouble to be united to the mainland of Europe.
"Oh that's nothing," says the Englishman, "You should have seen
the trouble we had digging the Channel in the first place!"
A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe
for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He
caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England,
then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded
and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked
the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other;
there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only
a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in
the empty seat beside her.
"Could I please sit in that seat," he asked.
The lady was insulted, "You Americans are so rude," she said,
"Can't you see my dog is sitting there?"
He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat.
He found himself back at the same place.
"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad
to hold your dog if I can sit down," he said.
The lady replied, "you Americans are not only rude you are
arrogant," she said.
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he
finally said, "lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for
three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I
please sit there and hold your dog?"
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant,
you are also obnoxious."
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the
dog, threw it out the widow, and sat down.
The lady was speechless.
An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other
seat spoke up.
"Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's
description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a
lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you
hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown
the wrong bitch out of the window."
Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man.
One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over
to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder, "Hey, I
hear your St. Patrick was a sissy."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled the English man walked back to his buddies.
"I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn't care!"
"You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn."
The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish
man on the shoulder.
"I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!"
"Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you."
Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his
buddies. "You're right, he is unshakable!"
The third English man said, "No, no, no, I will really
piss him off, you just watch."
The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him
on the shoulder and aid, "I hear your St. Patrick was an
English man!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
Advice For Tourists
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is
referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance
say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies."
"Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling"
- the equivalent of seventeen cents.
If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great
tosser" - he will be touched.
The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people,
and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your
acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.
Habits
Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full
union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt
certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal
followed by a two or three hour siesta, which they call a "wank."
As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not
uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work
there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late
for supper, simply apologise and explain that you were having a
wank - everyone will understand and forgive you.
Universities University archives and manuscript collections are
still governed by quaint medieval rules retained out of respect
for tradition; hence patrons are expected to bring to the reading
rooms their own inkpots and a small knife for sharpening their
quills. Observing these customs will signal to the librarians
that you are "in the know"- one of the inner circle, as it ere,
for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in the
library.
Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks
when he/she brings a manuscript you've requested, a practice
dating back to the reign of Henry VI.
One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford
or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their
flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is
known as "cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are
privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that
rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or
policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and
would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must
be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so
it's a good idea to buy a can of Crispo and have it on you when
you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you
are an experienced cottager.
Food
British cuisine enjoys a well-deserved reputation as the most
sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's
robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine
out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is
worth interrupting your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are
aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best
cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's
seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go
to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and
won't settle for anything less. If he baulks at your request,
custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and
forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss.
Once the waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating
taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of
exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should order one
anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky
hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia - try an Ely '84 or
Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed.
When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested
amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to
dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out;
the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab
for you.
Transportation
Public taxis are subsidized by Her Majesty's Government.
A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you
travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should
yell, "I think not, you charlatan!" then grab the nearest
policeman (bobby) and have the driver disciplined.
It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus
drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests.
Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy
gold-coloured coins are "pence"), and state your destination
clearly to the driver, eg: "Please take me to the British
Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of
harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested
destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American
tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).
For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London
Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially
if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain,
and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take
some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators
or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-
sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware!
Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that
roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in
the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved
impossible to exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!"
is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards
the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes,
though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an
otherwise excellent means of transportation.
One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive
at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin
Fane (an international Jewish peace organization-the "shin"
stands for "shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little
white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your
way through customs.
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