British Jokes

British Jokes

Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
So the other one could drive!

We have always found the Irish a bit odd.  
They refused to be English.  
 - Winston Churchill

Why did the sun never set on the British Empire?
Because not even God could trust them in the dark.

How can you tell an Englishman is sexually excited?
By the stiff upper lip.

  Any crisis, large or small, can be dealt with in Britain
by following the standard government four-stage plan. The
press releases for this are as follows:

1.  "We don't think there is a problem.  No action needs
     to be taken."

2.  "There may be a slight problem, but it's not our place
     to try to do anything about it."

3.  "There may well be a problem, but we must consider all
     possible courses of action and not rush into anything."

4.  "Well, perhaps we could have done something, but it's
     too late now!"

  Did you hear what the English, the Irish and the Scots did 
when they heard The world was coming to an end?
  The English all went out and got drunk. The Irish all went 
to church and the Scots had a closing down sale.

  An Englishman and a Frenchman are discussing the Channel Tunnel.
The Frenchman is saying how wonderful it is that this co-operative
venture is taking place, and that he never expected the English to 
go to such trouble to be united to the mainland of Europe.
  "Oh that's nothing," says the Englishman, "You should have seen
the trouble we had digging the Channel in the first place!"

  A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe
for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R.  He 
caught a supply boat to a supply  base in the south of England, 
then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded 
and he could not find a seat.  He was dead on his feet and walked
the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.
  Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; 
there was room for two people on each seat.  On one side sat only 
a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in 
the empty seat beside her.
  "Could I please sit in that seat," he asked.
  The lady was insulted, "You Americans are so rude," she said, 
"Can't you see my dog is sitting there?"
  He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. 
He found himself back at the same place. 
 "Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad 
to hold your dog if I can sit down," he said. 
  The lady replied, "you Americans are not only rude you are 
arrogant," she said.
  He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he 
finally said, "lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for 
three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I 
please sit there and hold your dog?"
  The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, 
you are also obnoxious." 
  With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the 
dog, threw it out the widow, and sat down.
  The lady was speechless.
  An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other 
seat spoke up.  
  "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's 
description of you or not.  But I do know that you Americans do a 
lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you 
hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown 
the wrong bitch out of the window." 


  Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man.  
One guy said he was going to piss him off.  He walked over 
to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder, "Hey, I 
hear your St. Patrick was a sissy."
  "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that." 
  Puzzled the English man walked back to his buddies. 
  "I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn't care!"  
  "You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn."
  The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish 
man on the shoulder.
  "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!" 
  "Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you." 
  Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his 
buddies. "You're right, he is unshakable!" 
  The third English man said, "No, no, no, I will really 
piss him off, you just watch."
  The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him
on the shoulder and aid, "I hear your St. Patrick was an 
English man!" 
  "Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me." 

Advice For Tourists

  The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is
referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance
say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies."

  "Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling"
- the equivalent of seventeen cents.

  If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great 
tosser" - he will be touched.

  The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, 
and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your 
acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.


  Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full 
union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt 
certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal 
followed by a two or three hour siesta, which they call a "wank." 
As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not 
uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work
there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late 
for supper, simply apologise and explain that you were having a 
wank - everyone will understand and forgive you.

  Universities University archives and manuscript collections are
still governed by quaint medieval rules retained out of respect 
for tradition; hence patrons are expected to bring to the reading 
rooms their own inkpots and a small knife for sharpening their 
quills. Observing these customs will signal to the librarians 
that you are "in the know"- one of the inner circle, as it ere, 
for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in the 
  Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks 
when he/she brings a manuscript you've requested, a practice 
dating back to the reign of Henry VI.

  One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford 
or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their 
flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is 
known as "cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are 
privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that 
rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or
policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and 
would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must 
be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so 
it's a good idea to buy a can of Crispo and have it on you when 
you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you
are an experienced cottager.


  British cuisine enjoys a well-deserved reputation as the most 
sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's 
robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine 
out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is 
worth interrupting your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are 
aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best 
cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's 
seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go 
to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and 
won't settle for anything less. If he baulks at your request,
custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and 
forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss.

  Once the waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating
taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of
exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should order one 
anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky 
hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia - try an Ely '84 or 
Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed.

  When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested 
amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to 
dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; 
the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab
for you.


  Public taxis are subsidized by Her Majesty's Government.
A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you 
travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should 
yell, "I think not, you charlatan!" then grab the nearest 
policeman (bobby) and have the driver disciplined.

  It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus 
drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests. 
Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy 
gold-coloured coins are "pence"), and state your destination 
clearly to the driver, eg: "Please take me to the British 
Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of 
harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested 
destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American 
tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).

  For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London 
Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially 
if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, 
and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take 
some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators 
or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-
sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware!
Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that 
roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in 
the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved 
impossible to exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" 
is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards 
the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes,
though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an
otherwise excellent means of transportation.

  One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive
at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin 
Fane (an international Jewish peace organization-the "shin" 
stands for "shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little 
white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your 
way through customs.

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