Australia Jokes

Australia Jokes

  An American was knocked unconscious in a serious accident 
while traveling in Australia. The ambulance took him to a 
local hospital for treatment. 
  While he finally woke up he asked the nurse, "Was I brought 
here to die?"
  "No," said the nurse. "You were brought in here yesterday."

  In Australia, a barefoot Nova Peris-Kneebone carried the 
Olympic flame Thursday on its first steps toward Sydney.
  She had to hold the torch really high to keep fans from 
barbecuing shrimp over the flame.

The latest product on the market in the continuing war against 
white ants: it's called 'Arson'.

Why doesn't Tasmania float away?
Because Victoria Sucks!!

What's the difference between Adelaide and the crisper tray 
 in my fridge?
My crisper tray has a night life.

What do Australian males think a booby trap is?
Their girlfriends bra.

What is the difference between an Australian and
 a squashed hedgehog ?
The Australian has more reason to feel depressed!

Did you hear about the Australian abortion clinic?
It has a 12 month waiting list!!

Why do Australians call their beer 'XXXX'?
Because they can't spell 'beer'!

  Mike Atherton goes to meet Ray Illingworth off the plane 
at Perth.
  "Blimey," says Ray, "These flies are thick!"
  "Course they are boss," retorts Mike, "They're Australian!"

Why do seagulls fly over Australia upside down?
So they can save it for NZ.

What do you call three New Zealanders on a hill?
A flock.

What is geographically wrong with New Zealand?
It's above sea-level.

Why isn't there a U in QANTAS?
Because Air New Zealand has them all.

Why do NZ horses run so fast?
They saw what happened to the sheep.

What's the latest fashion accessory in NZ?
Velcro gloves.

What is the capital of New Zealand?
About $10.

What happens to the average intelligence of the respective 
countries when a New Zealander moves to Australia?
They both go down.

  On a flight from LA to New Zealand, I heard the captain 
announce, 'Ah, ladies and gentlemen, we're about to start 
our final descent into Auckland. Please fasten your seatbelts, 
and don't forget to set your watches back 20 years!''

What do you call three Auzzies on a hill?
A thicket.

What's culturally wrong with Australia?
It's full of Australians.

What do you call a pregnant Australian?
A dope carrier.

What should you say to an Aussie before you kill one?

Australia is the only country on earth where vomiting is 
considered performance art.

  An Australian woman's car was involved in a motor accident.
A policeman asked what gear she was in.
  'Can't you see for yourself? I'm wearing a floral dress with
brown shoes and a matching handbag.''

A notice in an Australian police station:
'Help the Police --- Beat yourself up.'

When will the the Australian police force become sucessful?
When it catches more criminals than it employs.

Hear about the Australian String Quartet that is visiting
 New Zealand at the moment?
There are six members.

  A Texan lands in Sydney, and is picked up by a taxi. After 
requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about 
the small town airport and how in Texas they have larger 
runways on their ranches...
  They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbor bridge, and the
man is further unimpressed - "I have a duck pond bigger than 
that harbor, and an ornamental bridge to span it that makes 
this look like a toy".  The Sydney-Newcastle expressway also 
gets his scorn - "Is this a road, or a track?"
  So when a kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab, causing 
the sudden and severe application of the brakes, the driver 
couldn't help himself - "Stupid grass-hoppers!"

  An American tourist had visited all the usual sights. He'd
seen the Sydney Harbor and everything else but he wanted to 
see the real Australia.
  So there he was on the weekly rail motor out to Thargomindah.
There wasn't much to see. There was a drought on it was hot and
the wind was blowing dust everywhere.
  He got off the train and made for the pub, sweating and 
cursing as he swatted in vain at the clouds of files that 
buzzed around him.
  The pub's only customer a bloke in a blue singlet greeted him
with a G'day."
  The American ordered a beer.
  "Yank eh?" quizzed the aussie.
  "Sure am buddy" the Yank replied.
  "Waddya think of this part of Australia, yank?" the bloke asked.
  "It's the goddamn asshole of the world," the Yank replied.
  There was a five second pause as the local sucked on his smoke.
Then he asked, "You just passing through?"

Australian to English Translations

Adenoid : Irritated by advertisements
Alpaca : Kerry's brother
Barbeque : Awaiting haircut
Bulletin : Loaded gun
Carrion : Continue
Castanet : Go fishing
Chinchilla : Aftershave
Condescending : Greek parachuter
Copulate : Tardy policeman
Emulate : Dead bird
Farthing : Distant object
Flatulent : Borrowed apartment
Forensic : Ill migrants
Grateful : Enough firewood
Handicap : Useful hat
Ideal : You shuffle
Jargon : Lost container
Manifold : Origami
Nomad : Sane
Notice : Melted
Paradox : Two hounds
Pasturage : Older
Polygon : Dead parrot
Propaganda : True goose
Silicon : Dumb trick


The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a 
new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be 
improved by sausage sizzle.

If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's 
probably a media billionaire. Or, just conceivably, a wharfie.

There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of
tomato  sauce.

On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallet by
placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked
this out. We might  have very stupid thieves. Or really stinky 

Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the 
milk crate.

All our best heroes are losers.

The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs
from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, 
but a fine example of footwear. A group of sheilas wearing 
black rubber thongs may not  be as exciting as you had hoped.

It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard".
By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can 
be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier 
in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, 
or "mateship". 
Alternatively, we may all just be really hopeless with names.

The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only 
to himself, but to neighbourhood mosquitoes.

If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's 
not worth fixing.

The most popular and widely praised family in any street is 
the one that just happens to have the swimming pool.

It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.

The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the
family drinks too much.

The poisoning of Phar Lap remains the purest example of what
happens when Australians attempt to take on the outside world.

If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred
kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

When tipping in a restaurant, we add 10 per cent, and then 
round down to the nearest large-denomination note. Yet, 
miraculously, we still believe we've tipped 10 per cent.

The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. Or at least not acted
upon. You should take everything. If you don't need to make three
trips back to the car, you are not trying.

Unless ethnic, you are not permitted to sit down in your front
yard, or  on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or
fence-leaning is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what 
backyards are for.

Out in the bush, the tarred road always ends just after the
house of the local mayor.

A flash sportscar driven by a middle-aged man does not incite
envy as in America, but hilarity.

On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food 
versus grog battle problem that can only ever be resolved 
by leaving the salad at home.

When on a country holiday, the motel neon advertising the pool
will always be slightly larger than the actual pool.

The men are tough, but the women are tougher.

The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach
umbrella in high winds.

Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction,
most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the 
fact that the call is "being made on my mobile". 

There comes a time in every Australian's life when one realises
that the Aeroguard is far, far worse than the flies.

And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. 
No-one says "cobber".

  This woman picks up an Australian in a bar and takes him 
back to her place. Things are starting to get a little hot 
when suddenly he jumps up and starts moving all the furniture 
away from the center of the room.
  The woman asks him why he's doing this. He says well, if 
this is going to be anything like screwing kangaroos, we'll 
need all the room we can get.

  This Kiwi bloke was down in the paddock screwing his 
favourite sheep, when an Aussie comes up and yells, 'Hey, 
mate, we shear those things back home.'
  Puffing and panting, the Kiwi turns around and snaps
'You go to hell! I'm not shearing this one with anyone!'

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