Engineer Jokes

Engineer Jokes



  There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for 
fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company 
loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
  Several years later the company contacted him regarding 
a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one 
of their multi-million dollar machines.
  They had tried everything and everyone else to get the 
machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they 
called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of 
their problems in the past.
  The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent 
a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, 
he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component 
of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your 
problem is".
  The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly 
again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the 
engineer for his service.
  They demanded an itemised accounting of his charges.
  The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark: $1
Knowing where to put it: $49,999
  It was paid in full and the engineer retired (again)
in peace.



I was going to be an engineer....

Aerospace but it just didn't fly.
Aeronautical but I couldn't keep my head above water.
Bio-Medical but I was rejected.
Chemical but the job really stunk.
Civil but I couldn't make the grade.
Computer but I got stuck in a loop.
Electrical but it was all current events.
Genetic but I only wore Levis.
Industrial but I couldn't get off the floor.
Management but I wasn't a team player.
Materials but I didn't have the fiber.
Mechanical but I got shafted.
Metallurgical but I couldn't get the lead out.
Nuclear but I didn't have the glow.
Power but it went to my head.




  Verily, I say unto you, marry not an engineer for the engineer 
is a strange being possessed of many devils; yea, he speaketh
eternally in parables, which he calleth "formulas", and he 
wieldeth a big stick which he calleth a slide rule, and he hath 
but one Bible...a handbook.  
  He talketh always of stresses and strains, and without end of
Thermodynamics.  He showeth always a serious aspect and seemeth 
not to know how to smile; and he picketh his seat in the car by 
the springs therein and not by the damsel beside him; neither 
does he know a waterfall except for its power, nor the sunset 
except for her specific heat.
  Always he carieth his books with him, and he entertaineth his
maiden with steam tables. Verily though his damsel expecteth
chocolates, when he calleth he openeth the packages to disclose
samples of iron.
  Yea, he holdeth his damsel's hand, but only to measure the 
friction, and kisses but to test viscosity.  For in his eyes 
shineth a faraway look which is neither love nor longing, but 
a vain attempt to recall a formula.
  There is but one key dear to his heart, and that is the Tau 
Beta Pi key; and one love letter for which he yearneth, and 
that an "A"; and when to his damsel he writeth of love and 
signeth with crosses, mistake not these symbols for kisses but 
rather for unknown quantities.
  Even as a young boy he pulleth a girl's hair to test its 
elasticity, but as a man he discovers different devices; for 
he would count the vibrations of her heart strings and reckon 
her strength of materials; for he seeketh ever to pursue the 
scientific investivations, and inscribeth his passion in a 
formula; and his marriage is a simultaneous equation involving 
unknowns and yielding diverse answers.




  I recently sent this memo to our engineering department 
at the hospital:
 
Our toilet sear in the employees lounge slids WEST everytime 
you sit down. WEST is confirmed by Dr. Schug.  
  Thank-you, Ruth, ER.

This was their reply:

To: Dr. Schug and the ER staff
From: Bill Phillips, Plant Operations
Date:March 23,1999
Re: Toilet Seat Reply.....

  Based on your configurations, we determined that the toilet 
seat was sliding actully 130 degrees S.E. magnetic with an 
elevation beam of 15 degrees. Bsaed on the rotation of the 
earth and the earth tilt on axis, we determined the correct 
solution/adjustment to the toilet seat and made the 
corrections needed. We tested the pitch and thrust of all
bodily functions and determined that you will hit dead center 
of the bowl every time.
  If requested, we could install a GPS system to track any 
slight movement (bowel or otherwise) for your sitting 
pleasures. Please do not hesitate to call if questions.



  Two engineering students were walking across campus when one 
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer 
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own 
business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw 
the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take 
what you want."
  The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the
clothes probably wouldn't have fit."



To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers
 and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. 
Civil Engineers build targets.



Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough 
features yet."



  An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out 
to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful 
princess".
  He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The
frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back 
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." 
  The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned it to the pocket.
  The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into 
a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
  Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it 
back into his pocket.
  Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you 
I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and 
do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
  The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for 
a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."



  An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether 
it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
  The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a 
solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
  The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of 
the  passion and mystery he found there.
  The engineer said, "I like both."
  "Both?"
  Engineer: "Yeah.  If you have a wife and a mistress, they will 
each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you 
can go to the office and get some work done."



REASONS TO DATE AN ENGINEER

They are user friendly

No need to call a handy man

Learn how to use the other buttons on your calculator

Homework help without the guilt

They will make lots of money

Not all of them wear dark blue jeans

They know how to push the right buttons

They understand heat-transfer

They are used to pulling all nighters

High starting salary.

Can calculate head pressure.

Help you with your math homework.

Parents will approve.

We know how to handle stress and strain in our relationships.

The world *does* revolve around us... 
we pick the coordinate system.



Reasons _Not_ to Date a Male Engineer

T-Shirt & Jeans are their formal dress. 

Hot dog and a 6-pack is their seven-course meal.

The only social life known of is to post and talk on the net.

Flames like a monster and speaks like a pussy cat.

Works from 6:30 am to 7:30 P.M., daily. No morning kisses 
and no evening walks.

No matter how hard you yell and how loud you yell, he just 
sits there calmly discussing your emotion in terms of 
mathematical logic.

Listens to classical rock only. Hates everything from 
Bach to Prince.

Touches his car more than you.

Talks in Aonym.

Can't leave that damn pencil off his ear for a minute.

Will file a divorce if you call him in the middle of debugging.




Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

  To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall 
heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients 
one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor 
vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients
four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2,
add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous 
mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly,
with constant agitation. 
  Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any 
temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
  Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture 
piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a
period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order
rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the 
reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, 
allowing the product to come to equilibrium. 




Engineers Explained

  People who work in the fields of science and technology are not 
like other people.  This can be frustrating to the non-technical 
people who have to deal with them.  The secret to coping with 
technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations.  
This chapter will teach you everything you need to know.  I learned 
their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane 
Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of 
grooming.

  Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be 
one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused.  If there's somebody 
in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give 
him this test to discern the truth.

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.
  You...

  A. Straighten it.
  B. Ignore it.
  C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a
  solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating
  aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

  The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given 
to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test 
or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."

SOCIAL SKILLS

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social
interaction.

"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things 
from social interaction:

     *Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
     *Important social contacts
     *A feeling of connectedness with other humans

In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives
for social interactions:

   *Get it over with as soon as possible.
   *Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
   *Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS

  To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into 
one of two categories:  (1) things that need to be fixed, and 
(2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few 
minutes to play with them.
  Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily
available, they will create their own problems.  Normal people don't
understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't
fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have
enough features yet.

 No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering
what it would take to turn it into a stun gun.  No engineer can take 
a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make
showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full
of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE

Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic
thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied.  If no
appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or
mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective
of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

LOVE OF "STAR TREK"

Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies.
It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise 
are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens.  
This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which
consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the
participation of other life forms.

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE

Dating is never easy for engineers.  A normal person will employ
various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression
of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance 
above function.

Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole.  They are widely
recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable,
employed, honest, and handy around the house.  While it's true that
many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal
people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing
engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before
losing their virginity.

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later 
than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their 
mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of 
sexually irresistible men in technical professions:

       *  Bill Gates.
       *  MacGyver.
       *  Etcetera.

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and 
remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical 
death. Longer if it's a warm day.

HONESTY

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human
relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers 
away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who 
can't handle the truth.

Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work.  They say things
that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could 
be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies 
is listed below.

       "I won't change anything without asking you first."
       "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
       "I have to have new equipment to do my job."
       "I'm not jealous of your new computer."

FRUGALITY

Engineers are notoriously frugal.  This is not because of cheapness
or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is
simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this
situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION

If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability
to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything
else in the environment.  This sometimes causes engineers to be
pronounced dead prematurely.  Some funeral homes in high-tech areas
have started checking resumes before processing the bodies.  Anybody
with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer
programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if
he or she snaps out of it.

RISK

Engineers hate risk.  They try to eliminate it whenever they can.
This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little
mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.

EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS

  *   Hindenberg.
  *   Space Shuttle Challenger.
  *   SPANet(tm)
  *   Hubble space telescope.
  *   Apollo 13.
  *   Titanic.
  *   Ford Pinto.
  *   Corvair.

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:

RISK:
 Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD:
 A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks 
and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing.  The best 
way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically 
impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.
If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the
engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's
technically possible but it will cost too much."

EGO

Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
       *   How smart they are.
       *   How many cool devices they own.

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare
that the problem is unsolvable.  No engineer can walk away from an
unsolvable problem until it's solved.  No illness or distraction is
sufficient to get the engineer off the case.  These types of
challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer
and the laws of nature.
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a 
problem. (Other times just because they forgot.)  And when they 
succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush 
that is better than sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where 
other people are involved.

Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that
somebody has more technical skill.  Normal people sometimes use that
knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer.  When an
engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means
it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance
at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something
along these lines:  "I'll ask Bob to figure it out.  He knows how to
solve difficult technical problems."

At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand
between the engineer and the problem.  The engineer will set upon 
the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.



  A salesman and an engineer happened to meet each other as they 
were going into the men's room.  The salesman walked straight to 
the urinal and started to pee but the engineer first walked over 
to the handbasin and washed his hands.  They both finished their 
respective tasks and the salesman then went over to the handbasin 
to wash his hands while the engineer went over to the urinal to pee.
  They left the men's room together and as they were leaving the 
salesman said to the engineer, "I understand that the nature of 
your work makes it necessary to wash your hands before you pee 
but don't they teach you guys to wash your hands afterwards as 
well??"  
  The engineer replied "No, they teach us not to piss on our hands"



  An engineer was busy at work in his cubicle, when he couldn't 
find his favorite pen.  He decides to go over to the next cubicle, 
and ask this technical writer, if she had an extra pen he could 
borrow.  He goes over to the next cubicle and asks of the tech 
writer, a gorgeous woman, "E...E...excuse me miss," in a really 
nerdy voice, "Would you happen to have an extra pen I can borrow?"
  It was pretty late and no one else was around, and she was pretty 
horny.  She rips open her blouse, revealing two of the firmest, most 
beautiful breasts anyone has ever seen.
  Then she says to the engineer, "How would you like to borrow these?"
  The engineer responds, "H...Hey, I asked first!"
 


Reasons given as to why they attended Engineering School.

I wanted everyone to think I was smart.

I thought the free body diagram was a good deal.

I thought the LaPlace Transform would make me better looking.

To get more dates.

I thought "dweeb" was a term of respect.

I went to the wrong room during orientation.

I have a strong desire to graduate with a low GPA.

I wanted to learn how to program my VCR.

If I flunk out of engineering school, I can always go to the
business school.

I have always wanted to drive a train.



  In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are 
about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, 
they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's 
been saved by divine intervention  -- so he's let go.
  The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't 
release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for 
the same crime, and he is set free too.
  They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, 
he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, 
I see your problem..."



  Three engineers were sitting around discussing what kind of 
engineer God was.
  The mechanical engineer said: "The human body is such a mechanical
marvel with all its joints and muscles.  God is surely a mechanical
engineer."
  The electrical engineer stated, "The nervous system is a mind
boggling electrical network.  God would have to be an electrical 
engineer to develop our nervous systems."
  The civil engineer said, "I wish I could be as enthusiastic, but 
what self-respecting civil engineer would put the entertainment 
center right next to the waste treatment facility."



Engineers' Terminologies

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still 
   pissing in the wind.

2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE 
   PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.

4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very 
   hi-tech.

5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind
   schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing 
   blew up when we threw the switch.

7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that 
   the stupid thing works.

8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person
   who understood the thing quit.

9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the 
   situation is about hopeless.

10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems 
    for now.

11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for 
    the screw up.

12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what
    you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what 
    we've already done.
   
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!

14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.

15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!

17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.

18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.

19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.

20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.
  


THINGS ENGINEERING SCHOOL DIDN'T TEACH YOU

There are at least 10 types of capacitors.

Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.

Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.

Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it,
except the complex math, which you will never use.

Always try to fix the hardware with software.

Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon 
lab every day for the rest of your life.

Overtime pay?  What overtime pay?

Forget an engineering career, just try to keep a job.

Managers, not engineers, rule the world.

If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.

Dilbert is a documentary.




You Might Be An Engineer If...

If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"

If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner

If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

If you want an 36X CDROM for Christmas

If Dilbert is your hero

If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes

If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail

If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50

If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the
decimal point in the right place

If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys

If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car

If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than
hanging coats and taping ducts

If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to
find the burnt-out bulb in the string

If you window shop at Radio Shack

If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest
sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies

If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area

If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test
that actually takes five minutes to run

If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door
opener and your camera's flash attachment

If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is

If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven

If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush

If you own "Official Star Trek" anything

If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside

If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the 
antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception

If you thought the concoction ET used to phone home was stupid

If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project

If you are currently gathering the components to build your own 
nuclear reactor

If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts

If you have never backed-up your hard drive

If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing
games, but are afraid to say it out loud

If you truly believe aliens are living among us

If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance

If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"

If you see a good design and still have to change it

If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions

If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it

If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never 
enters your mind

If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't
remember where they are

If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your 
automobile tires

If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster
you own turns bread into charcoal

If you have more toys than your kids

If you need a checklist to turn on the TV

If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name

If your wife thinks your taste in ties is bizarre

If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight

If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you 
rush up to the front to fix it

If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary

If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel
and have seen most of the shows already

If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know 
what RPN stands for

If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color 
TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you 
grew up thinking that was normal

If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what 
size screw driver to use

If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting

If people groan at the party when you pick out the music

If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time 
this week

If people hound you for pocket protectors at Halloween time

If you did the sound system for your senior prom

If your checkbook always balances

If your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her

If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone

If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life

If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission 
controllers

If you think your computer looks better without the cover

If you think that when people around you yawn, its because they 
didn't get enough sleep

If your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work

If you spend more on your home computer than your car

If you know what http:// stands for

If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio

If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in 
your garage

If your favorite part of the 6 o clock news is comparing their 
latest satellite weather picture with yours

If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try 
to explain atmospheric absorption theory

If your 4 basic food groups are: 
1.Caffeine 
2.Fat 
3.Sugar 
4.Chocolate

Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to 
upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma

Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the
scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room

In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure

You are always late to meetings

You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and 
vertical lines.

You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice 
and parallel.

You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months

You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the
chairs to see how they do the special effects

You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself
since you got married

You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring

You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)

You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at 
the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite

You know what the geosynchronous satellite function is

You've already calculated how much you make per second

If you have no life, and you design, implement, and test your
proofs to show it.

If you enjoy never sleeping.

If you like the effect of your body collapsing from exhaustion.

If you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do 
long division.

If you've actually used every single function on your graphing
calculator and have a computer program which does even more.

If when you look in a mirror, you see an engineering major.

If it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working 
on circuits.

If you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."

If you always do work on Friday and Saturday nights.

If you think in "math."

If you CAN'T do simple addition and subtraction on a regular basis

If you use "scientific findings" to explain how you feel.

If you've calculated that your mental facilities decay exponentially.

If whenever you look at something you see a better way of 
designing it.

If you have a car named after a scientist.

If you laugh at jokes about "computer science" majors.

If you get arrested for designing AND building a "potentially
dangerous weapon."

If you can translate English into Binary, C++, and hex.

If you're the next-to-last person to leave the building.
(right before the security officer)

If you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer,
because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.

If you wear clothing with electric insulation on a regular basis.

If you live on caffeine and get no more than 3 hours sleep a night.

If you consider ANY non-science course "easy."

If when someone asks you where your work is, you claim to have 
accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according
to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.

If you've thought of AND written a computer program which will 
cause your student loans to "disappear."

If the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.

If you'll assume that the cafeteria food is "organic" in order to
make the lab analysis easier.

Your favorite TV show is "Mr. Wizard" instead of "Baywatch."

When your family is expecting, you are more interested in the
ultrasound equipment than the test results.

When someone asks "What's new?" you answer "C over lambda".

You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, and don't remember your own.

You find your head nodding up and down every time you read Dilbert.

Your pocket is full of too many mechanical pencils.

If you go to the air show and start calculating how fast the sky
divers are falling, you may be an engineer; 
If you start telling all the people around you, you definitely are.

If you need a spreadsheet to figure out who owes what for lunch.

If you plan your family vacation on a Gantt chart.

If you pre-plan your route on a map of the exhibits through the
annual computer show.

If you read PC World and Popular Mechanics while on vacation.

If you know the altitudes at which you must turn off electronic
devices on an airplane, and why.

If on a camping trip, your spouse starts complaining about bug
"bites" and you respond that "Yes, we do need more memory in our
computer."

If you understood all of these indicators.



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