Dumb Advertising

Dumb Advertising



Publicize your business absolutely free!  Send $6.

 
  A California Gas Company had this ad offering free estimates 
on insulation: "People without insulation in their attic have 
something missing upstairs."

 
Health Club Ad in the Los Angels Harold-Examiner:
"How's your hind site?"
 

 
       WD40 IT'S GOOD STUFF
           DO YOU HAVE
           TIGHT NUTS
               or
          A RUSTY TOOL
            then use
              WD40
        in the MAN SIZED
          PRESSURE PACK
 Stands 9in High X 1 1/2 in Diam
    (Complete with Red Knob)
 Makes old tools like new again
Tools slide in and out with ease
   Lubricates dry passage ways
    Makes screwing a pleasure
    Gives better penetration
       BUY SOME - TRY SOME
  KEEP A SPARE IN YOUR CAR FOR
   E M E R G E N C I E S ! ! !


Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom 
for efficient beating.


Prevent damage to garden and lawns from burrowing rodents with
Gopher-It, the electronic stake that emits vibration and sound
that's intensely annoying to underground rodents up to 100 feet
in diameter.
Requires 4 "D" batteries, not included.
#26284 Gopher-It $49.95 (3.95)
  I suppose for rodents of greater than 100 feet in diameter 
you need the nuclear powered version.


In the offices of a loan company: 
"Ask about our plans for owning your home." 
 
In a New York medical building: 
"Mental Health Prevention Center" 
 
On a New York convalescent home: 
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church." 
 
Outside a country shop: 
"We buy junk and sell antiques." 
 
Auntie Mae's - Liquor in the front, poker in the rear.


I received an advertisement for a Time/Life book, 
and it states on the cover:
 Fight with Lancelot!
 Feast with Arthur!
 Make Love with Guinevere!
I guess they ran out of short F-words.


SO FRENCH, AFTER ONE CUP YOU'LL WANT TO GO OUI, OUI.

EYE OF ROUND ROAST - $1.99 lb. - BONERLESS


FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.  $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.


From the Granville, N.Y., Sentinel:
  "Correction:  An error appeared in a Mother's Day advertisement
for Bernardo's Restaurant.  The note at the bottom to 'Please 
dress up a little' was instructions to the newspapers art staff 
and not meant to appear in the ad."


For sale: One AK-47 machine gun, used to threaten but never fired.  
20 rounds per second, adjustable speed, laser scope, tri-pod.  
$50 obo. Inquire during Miss Johnson's 5th period English class, 
Berkeley High. Ask for Timmy.


DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR VALENTINE - HAVE YOUR SEPTIC
TANK PUMPED.

CHARMIN ULTRA BATHROOM TISSUE -- BONELESS

HANDS FOR HEALTH - HEIDI HOAR - REGISTERED MASSAGE THERAPIST

FOR RENT - VIBRATOR - WELL USED

BORDER COLLIE FEMALE TO A GOOD HOE. GOOD WITH CHILDREN.

WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN -- FROST FREE!

KITTENS 8 WEEKS OLD - SEEKING GOOD CHRISTIAN HOME.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

WOMEN - ANY SIZE - FREE BUTT MASSAGE

THESE 2 HEADLINES WERE ARTICLES NEXT TO EACH OTHER ON THE

SAME PAGE: BREASTFEEDING MONTH SLATED and REPORT: MEN NEED
TO DRINK MILK TOO

NOTICE:
TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE
PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE:
PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED.
PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE.
ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL

BAR S SLICED BOLOGNA
REGULAR OR TASTY
SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2

OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box

Wanted: Hard working, experienced farm woman.  
Household and field work; know how to cook; 
must own tractor, send photo of tractor.

Alligators!!!   We are interested in hiring three semi-obnoxious, 
pushy Acct. Executives, for a very boring repetitious job of 
selling.  Our rather dismal office is located in Longmont.  You 
would be forced to work in the office.  Our current staff, which 
is the laziest group of individuals you will ever see, drag 
themselves to work 5 days a week to decide whether to complain 
about the weather, the coffee, the thermostat, or the manager. 
When that's all over, they somehow manage to organize themselves, 
work their calls, and sell a whole lot of our services and products, 
which is surprising, because nobody wants to buy anything we well,
because our prices are too high and the economy stinks.  Applicants 
should have skin like an Alligator, and a desire to suffer their 
way to make at least a thousand a week.  Paid training to the right 
three people.   

  Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it 
entered English speaking markets and began receiving requests 
for unusual sex tours.  Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki 
Nippon Tourist Company changed its name. 

Free Puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel - 1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog
 
Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 Years Old. Unpleasant Little Dog.
 
1 Man, 7 Woman Hot Tub -- $850/Offer
 
Amana Washer $100. Owned By Clean Bachelor Who Seldom Washed.

Snow Blower For Sale...Only Used On Snowy Days.
 
Free Puppies...Part German Shepherd - Part Stupid Dog
 
2 Wire Mesh Butchering Gloves: 1 5-Finger, 1 3-Finger, Pair: $15
 
Tickle Me Elmo, Still In Box, Comes With Its Own 1988 Mustang, 
5l, Auto, Excellent Condition $6800
 
83 Toyota Hunchback -- $2000
 
German Shepherd 85 Lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
 
Full Sized Mattress. 20 Yr. Warranty. Like New. Slight Urine Smell.
 
Cows, Calves Never Bred... Also 1 Gay Bull For Sale.
 
Star Wars Job Of The Hut - $15
 
Soft & Genital Bath Tissues Or Facial Tissue  89 Cents
 
For Sale:  Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50
 
Georgia Peaches California Grown - 89 Cents Lb.

Free 1 Can Of Pork & Beans With Purchase Of 3 Br 2 Bath Home.
 
Nordic Track $300 Hardly Used ***-**** Call Chubbie ***-****
 
Bill's Septic Cleaning "We Haul American Made Products"
 
Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks
 
Found: Dirty White Dog. Looks Like A Rat...Been Out Awhile..
Better Be Reward.
 
Hummels - Largest Selection Ever "If It's In Stock, We Have It!"
 
Get A Little John: The Traveling Urinal Holds 2 1/2 Bottles Of Beer. 

Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club
 
Nice Parachute: Never Opened - Used Once, Slightly Stained
 
Free: Farm Kittens. Ready To Eat.
 
American Flag, 60 Stars - Pole Included  $100
 
Tired Of Working For Only $9.75 Per Hour? We Offer Profit Sharing 
And Flexible Hours. Starting Pay: $7 - $9 Per Hour.
 
Exercise Equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs -$175.
 
Our Sofa Seats The Whole Mob And It's Made Of 100% Italian Leather.
 
Joining Nudist Colony! Must Sell Washer & Dryer   $300.
 
Ground Beast: 99 Cents Lb.
 
Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Man - $2.09 Lb.

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 
555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by 
waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special-Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large 
drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale-Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Wanted: Office Ass. Young female employee wanted for various positions.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in
the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots
of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. 
References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, 
and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. 
Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to
growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for
$1.00.



 The following is a word by word copy of an ad I saw in the San Jose
Mercurcy News in the Classified Section.

SOFTWARE ENGINEER

An Ideal Opportunity!

  Is what we'd like to offer. But we don't have one. We do have an 
opening for a bright, energetic and dedicated individual who has a 
Masters degree and a minimum of 6 years' proven experience.  These 
qualities have nothing to do with the available position, but we 
think they're nice. This position actually requires a room
temperature IQ and the ability to identify and answer a ringing 
telephone (preferably within 8 or 9 rings.)
  We offer a salary (we have to, it's the law) and your own 
personalized coffee mug. (Coffee dues are automatically deducted 
from your minimal salary.) There are outstanding company paid 
benefits, but not in this company.
  For immediate consideration, please send your resume and a money 
order for $23.95 to cover resume processing costs.

Write to:

Hardway Software
P.O. Box #6
Brokenbone, OK 140041




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