Publicize your business absolutely free! Send $6. A California Gas Company had this ad offering free estimates on insulation: "People without insulation in their attic have something missing upstairs." Health Club Ad in the Los Angels Harold-Examiner: "How's your hind site?" WD40 IT'S GOOD STUFF DO YOU HAVE TIGHT NUTS or A RUSTY TOOL then use WD40 in the MAN SIZED PRESSURE PACK Stands 9in High X 1 1/2 in Diam (Complete with Red Knob) Makes old tools like new again Tools slide in and out with ease Lubricates dry passage ways Makes screwing a pleasure Gives better penetration BUY SOME - TRY SOME KEEP A SPARE IN YOUR CAR FOR E M E R G E N C I E S ! ! ! Semi-annual After-Christmas sale. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Prevent damage to garden and lawns from burrowing rodents with Gopher-It, the electronic stake that emits vibration and sound that's intensely annoying to underground rodents up to 100 feet in diameter. Requires 4 "D" batteries, not included. #26284 Gopher-It $49.95 (3.95) I suppose for rodents of greater than 100 feet in diameter you need the nuclear powered version. In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home." In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center" On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church." Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." Auntie Mae's - Liquor in the front, poker in the rear. I received an advertisement for a Time/Life book, and it states on the cover: Fight with Lancelot! Feast with Arthur! Make Love with Guinevere! I guess they ran out of short F-words. SO FRENCH, AFTER ONE CUP YOU'LL WANT TO GO OUI, OUI. EYE OF ROUND ROAST - $1.99 lb. - BONERLESS FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything. From the Granville, N.Y., Sentinel: "Correction: An error appeared in a Mother's Day advertisement for Bernardo's Restaurant. The note at the bottom to 'Please dress up a little' was instructions to the newspapers art staff and not meant to appear in the ad." For sale: One AK-47 machine gun, used to threaten but never fired. 20 rounds per second, adjustable speed, laser scope, tri-pod. $50 obo. Inquire during Miss Johnson's 5th period English class, Berkeley High. Ask for Timmy. DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR VALENTINE - HAVE YOUR SEPTIC TANK PUMPED. CHARMIN ULTRA BATHROOM TISSUE -- BONELESS HANDS FOR HEALTH - HEIDI HOAR - REGISTERED MASSAGE THERAPIST FOR RENT - VIBRATOR - WELL USED BORDER COLLIE FEMALE TO A GOOD HOE. GOOD WITH CHILDREN. WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN -- FROST FREE! KITTENS 8 WEEKS OLD - SEEKING GOOD CHRISTIAN HOME. ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER WOMEN - ANY SIZE - FREE BUTT MASSAGE THESE 2 HEADLINES WERE ARTICLES NEXT TO EACH OTHER ON THE SAME PAGE: BREASTFEEDING MONTH SLATED and REPORT: MEN NEED TO DRINK MILK TOO NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD. ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL BAR S SLICED BOLOGNA REGULAR OR TASTY SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2 OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box Wanted: Hard working, experienced farm woman. Household and field work; know how to cook; must own tractor, send photo of tractor. Alligators!!! We are interested in hiring three semi-obnoxious, pushy Acct. Executives, for a very boring repetitious job of selling. Our rather dismal office is located in Longmont. You would be forced to work in the office. Our current staff, which is the laziest group of individuals you will ever see, drag themselves to work 5 days a week to decide whether to complain about the weather, the coffee, the thermostat, or the manager. When that's all over, they somehow manage to organize themselves, work their calls, and sell a whole lot of our services and products, which is surprising, because nobody wants to buy anything we well, because our prices are too high and the economy stinks. Applicants should have skin like an Alligator, and a desire to suffer their way to make at least a thousand a week. Paid training to the right three people. Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name. Free Puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel - 1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 Years Old. Unpleasant Little Dog. 1 Man, 7 Woman Hot Tub -- $850/Offer Amana Washer $100. Owned By Clean Bachelor Who Seldom Washed. Snow Blower For Sale...Only Used On Snowy Days. Free Puppies...Part German Shepherd - Part Stupid Dog 2 Wire Mesh Butchering Gloves: 1 5-Finger, 1 3-Finger, Pair: $15 Tickle Me Elmo, Still In Box, Comes With Its Own 1988 Mustang, 5l, Auto, Excellent Condition $6800 83 Toyota Hunchback -- $2000 German Shepherd 85 Lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free. Full Sized Mattress. 20 Yr. Warranty. Like New. Slight Urine Smell. Cows, Calves Never Bred... Also 1 Gay Bull For Sale. Star Wars Job Of The Hut - $15 Soft & Genital Bath Tissues Or Facial Tissue 89 Cents For Sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50 Georgia Peaches California Grown - 89 Cents Lb. Free 1 Can Of Pork & Beans With Purchase Of 3 Br 2 Bath Home. Nordic Track $300 Hardly Used ***-**** Call Chubbie ***-**** Bill's Septic Cleaning "We Haul American Made Products" Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks Found: Dirty White Dog. Looks Like A Rat...Been Out Awhile.. Better Be Reward. Hummels - Largest Selection Ever "If It's In Stock, We Have It!" Get A Little John: The Traveling Urinal Holds 2 1/2 Bottles Of Beer. Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club Nice Parachute: Never Opened - Used Once, Slightly Stained Free: Farm Kittens. Ready To Eat. American Flag, 60 Stars - Pole Included $100 Tired Of Working For Only $9.75 Per Hour? We Offer Profit Sharing And Flexible Hours. Starting Pay: $7 - $9 Per Hour. Exercise Equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs -$175. Our Sofa Seats The Whole Mob And It's Made Of 100% Italian Leather. Joining Nudist Colony! Must Sell Washer & Dryer $300. Ground Beast: 99 Cents Lb. Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Man - $2.09 Lb. 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special-Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. For Sale-Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy. Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Wanted: Office Ass. Young female employee wanted for various positions. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Stock up and save. Limit: one. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything. Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred. Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Illiterate? Write today for free help. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. The following is a word by word copy of an ad I saw in the San Jose Mercurcy News in the Classified Section. SOFTWARE ENGINEER An Ideal Opportunity! Is what we'd like to offer. But we don't have one. We do have an opening for a bright, energetic and dedicated individual who has a Masters degree and a minimum of 6 years' proven experience. These qualities have nothing to do with the available position, but we think they're nice. This position actually requires a room temperature IQ and the ability to identify and answer a ringing telephone (preferably within 8 or 9 rings.) We offer a salary (we have to, it's the law) and your own personalized coffee mug. (Coffee dues are automatically deducted from your minimal salary.) There are outstanding company paid benefits, but not in this company. For immediate consideration, please send your resume and a money order for $23.95 to cover resume processing costs. Write to: Hardway Software P.O. Box #6 Brokenbone, OK 140041 |
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