What Is The Difference Between Niagara And Viagra? Niagara Falls. Viagra, official sponsor of Valentine's day. A new stronger variant of Viagra has just reached the market. This one is capable of getting you a hard-on... even with your own wife! Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? A man took twelve pills and his wife died. We're told that the funeral home industry is happy about Viagra overdoses: Lots of new stiffs means an upswing in business. A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad." What Is The Difference Between A Jewish Wife And A Gentile Wife? A Gentile Wife Says To Her Husband, `Did You Buy Any Viagra?' A Jewish Wife Says To Her Husband, `Did You Buy Any Pfizer?' What did Bugs Bunny say ater taking Viagra? "It's up Doc!" What do you get when you cross Viagra and Rogaine? Don King Why shouldn't you mix Viagra and iron pills. Because if you do, you'll spin right around and point North. What's the generic name for viagra? Mycoxafailin Renowned North American hot dog weiner maker, Ball Park Franks, has changed it's former slogan of "Ball Park Franks, they plump when you cook'em", after many years. I think they've taken it a little too far though. It's now, "Ball Park Franks, with added Viagra!" A shipment of Viagra was highjacked today. Police have put out an All-Points bulletin: Be on the lookout for hardened criminals! They will face a stiff sentence when convicted and they'll surely be sent to a Penal Institution. What do Viagra and Disney World have in common? A one hour wait for a 2 minute ride. Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on Viagra? No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get the cover of the casket to stay down. Did you hear about the guy who accidentally swallowed a whole bottle of Viagra? He was up all night! What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? They get taller. What is the worst side effect of Viagra is for men??? Arthritis in the elbow! I hear they've made Viagra as a cream... just apply and rub in for half an hour! Just heard that a UPS truck went into the Welland Ship Canal at Port Colborne, Ontario. Among the other packages was one containing a few thousand Viagra tablets. As the Viagra in the water went downstream, all the bridges went up. What do you call a snake on Viagra? ROD! A drug company has just invented a pill that combines the effects of Viagra and Prozac - apparently if you don't get a fuck you don't give a fuck! Scientists have developed a new pill that will now help impotent men who are also hay fever sufferers. By combining Allegra to take care of the allergies, and Viagra for the impotency, it gives you an erection not to be sneezed at! Since the release of Viagra, exotic dancers now claim that they are receiving a lot more standing ovations. I dated a girl so ugly, she's used as a antidote for Viagra! VIAGRA Chapstik? One way to keep a "stiff upper lip!" Bob Dole participated in the testing of Viagra, and has apparently agreed to do some promotionals for the drug. Possible content: "I didn't win the Presidency, but with Viagra I can act like I did!" I see sales for Viagra are way down. I guess all those old guys finally figured out that sex with an old woman is not worth $20. What do you get when you mix Viagra and whiskey? A stiff drink. What happened to the Viagra user when he slipped on the bathroom floor? He pole-vaulted out of the window For the woman who wants a little more life in her middle-aged man, she should give him a Cappuccino Viagra an hour before bedtime. I heard that one of the local persons poured a bottle of pills down the sink... now everyone in the area has hard water.... What happens if you swallow your Viagra pill too slowly? You get a stiff neck. SWALLOWED?! I've been shoving them down my peehole and I was wondering why it was so hard to get past the first six inches. I'm so depressed ... I went to the doctor today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building. A woman goes to a doctor to discuss her husband's impotentcy problem. The doctor says just give your husband these viagra pills in his next meal and standback. The woman goes home and hands the pills to her cook who was preparing dinner for a dinner party later that night. The woman says to the cook, "just put two of these in my husband dinner tonight". As the woman walks out of the kitchen the cook thinks, sure, like I got nothing better to do, and she throws the whole bunch into the soup. As the guests were sitting down to dinner, the cook comes out of the kitchen and advises the lady of the house that she must speak to her in that there is a big problem in the kitchen. The lady of the house follows the cook into the kitchen and demands to know what is going on. The cook admits to throwing all the pills into the soup and crys "I don't know what to do, the meat balls have doubled in size and the vermicelli is standing straight up". INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY from a friend of mine: From time to time I speak with pharmaceutical sales reps who come into my office. The other day a Glaxo rep told me of a drug that her company has under development. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company. The drug is called "Ginkgo Viagra," and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing. Little Timmy is playing on the street when he spots a package of Viagra pills. Being a boy of the world, he immediately recognises the possibilities and approaches his daddy: "Dad, I just found these, and I'm willing to sell them to you for 100 Dollars straight." "Son, well, while this is a very good offer, I'm in perfect physical health and not currently needing those. Tell you what, go ask Grandpa." So Timmy walks over and asks his grandfather: "Gramps, I will sell you this package of Viagra for 100 Dollars." "Oh, thanks Timmy, but are you sure these will work?" "Gee, I don't know. But they do look like the ones that were shown on TV!" "Tell you what, Timmy, I'll try them tonight and if they work OK, I'll give you the money tomorrow." The next morning, Timmy visits his grandfather again, and Gramps hands over $500 without hesitation. Timmy is perplexed: "But Gramps, I thought we agreed on 100 Dollars!" "That's OK, Timmy, keep it, the rest is from Grandma!" I heard on the news a while ago, that a man who had taken Viagra had an erection that lasted for five days - He eventually went to the doctor about it. If I had an erection for five days.. the doctor would be the last person I told, after telling the newspapers, the TV stations, the internet newsgroups, and all the women I know, etc, etc, etc. Everyone knows what viagra is but you may not know that new and improved versions are in the works. Researchers from the University of Kentucky have come up with a nasal spray form of viagra which could work in five to fifteen minutes while 'normal' viagra can take up to a full hour. Quite naturally, this has spawned a flurry of creativity. The following are the top suggested product names for the new Nasal Viagra: Rhinose Hornuhopia Niagra Rises Fix-A-Flat Tryst Myst (For the female consumers) Hornaplenty Pe-Nochio Summer's Steve (For the gay population) Nose Job Dick Vitality (For the sports inclined) Easy-Off Kama Snootra A lady walks into a pharmacy and asks, "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes, I do," the pharmacist replied. "Does it really work?" she asked. He kinda chuckled and said, "It certainly does." "Can you get it over the counter?" she asked. "If I take two of them," he answered. An elderly woman was pressuring her husband to take Viagra but he resisted and would have no part of it. So, she figured she'd slip it to him on the sly. The best way to do that, she figured, was to dump the entire bottle of pills in the well. There hasn't been a result yet because she cannot get the pump handle down. Rejected Viagra Advertising Slogans Viagra, For when you've fallen and can't get up! Viagra, Like a Rock Viagra, A Swell Gift for the Old Man. Viagra, We bring good things to life Viagra, Just Do it Viagra, Turn your poodle into a pointer Viagra, Melts in your mouth, not in your hands Viagra: Tonic for a Stiff Neck Viagra, Yes, it's $10 per dose, but the price isn't the only thing that's stiff. Viagra, Liquid Wrench for Men Viagra, Never having to worry she'll say 'Yes.' Viagra, Where's the Beef?. Viagra, Brushing Up on some Old Pointers Viagra, A Sex Life You Can Hang Your Hat On Viagra, The Pecker Picker Upper Viagra, One-a-day, like iron Viagra, Get a piece of the rock Viagra, You've come a long way, Baby Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em Viagra, Tastes great, more filling Viagra, built ram tough Viagra, Just do her That's Viagra Sung to the tune of 'That's Amore', (with appologies to Dean Martin) For retirees, where love is lacking, Where bald meets girth, here's what they sing: It's a real small blue pill but it gives such a thrill, That's Viagra When a pill in your mouth starts the rumblings down south that's viagra It's a 10 dollar pill for which some folks would kill that's viagra Males will sing, ting-a-ting-a-schwing, ting-a-ting-a-schwing, and you'll swing Higher Fella Hearts will play, tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay, you'll get laid well (Lucky fella) When the pill's workin' good And your sproutin some wood That's viagra When you start to neck and you're surprisingly erect that's Viagra It will make it like a board And it's too bad I can't afford, That's Viagra. When it drooped to your seat and now looks up to the feat, you're in love When sex was only a dream but now your partners screaming, Signore Scuzza me, but you see, when your a retiree, that's Viagra Gretchen asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast...bacon, eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe some pancakes with maple syrup? Grapefruit and coffee to follow? He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a grilled cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk? He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Maybe a fat juicy steak? Maybe he'd like a pizza delivered? Or a tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes? He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well," she says, "would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking starving!" While Pfizer had a lot of great press regarding the launch of Viagra, the male impotency drug, its marketing department has been working to develop its advertising campaign to boost its sales once all of the media coverage has died down. While going through potential commercials, they realised that such an important medication needed a theme song to help its long term identity. Here are a few of the top suggestions that came up in the meeting. I am a Rock - Paul Simon A Hard Days Night - The Beatles Do That To Me One More Time - Captain and Tenille Everlasting Love - The Bee Gees No Ordinary Love - Sade We've Only Just Begun - Paul Williams Girls Just Want To Have Fun - Cindy Lauper When I'm 64 - The Beatles I'm Your Gun - Alice Cooper In Too Deep - Genesis Big Bad John -Jimmy Dean Here He Comes Again - Dolly Parton The Happiest Girl in the Whole U.S.A. - Donna Fargo Behind Closed Doors - Charlie Rich In The Mood - Glen Miller With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer Pharmacuticals is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society... DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent. PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one. CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents. COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middleaged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing. BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit. NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents. NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members. FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides. FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra. PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjectsinto "special prosecutors." LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions. With the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem, a famous British pharmaceutical company is working to redress the balance... MIRRORCILLIN - A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once. STOPPANAGGIN - Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse/boyfriend. COSMOPOLIRA - Doubles female intelligence to almost simian levels, allowing 'facts' in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed. LOGICON - Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue effectively without being diverted into non relevant postulates such as 'you don't love me anymore'. PARKATRON - 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes. MAGNATACK - Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger than in reality - no practical use for this drug has yet been found. WARDROBIA - Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% stayed within their credit limit. BEERINTULIN - Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports. An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist replied, "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces." The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes." A recent letter sent to the Canadian House of Commons: My dear Prime Minister, former colleague and treasured friend. I write on a matter of personal and national impotence. As a senior citizen, aged veteran and former member of Parliament I wish to make the best of my remaining years, yet your government is allowing weeks and months to pass while our American cousins enjoy the benefits of Viagra. You cannot expect those of us who rigidly served our nation to remain silent. Speaking softly while we should be carrying a big stick is not in the Canadian nature or the Liberal tradition. Even our Mexican Common Market colleagues like Flacido Domingo have access to this miracle potent. I urge you, Prime Minister, not to stand limply by. Even former members have rights and votes. Perhaps the Honourable Member for Viagra Falls could introduce a members privates bill to speed the approval process. Someone must stick up for us seniors. I know it is hard being Prime Minister, but think of us back benchers. In unbending friendship, I am sir, Yours hopefully. Barney Diary of a Viagra Housewife Day 1. Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Wussy. Day 2. Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp. Day 3. This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears. Day 4. A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, 'this time, I'd rather not have your mother join us.' I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood. Day 7. This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you! But, have to admit.... Day 8. I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. Sore as hell.... Day 10. Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do? I feel tacky all over.... Day 11. The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was "The Smurfs Do Denmark." Even my armpits hurt. He's a nasty man. Day 12. OK, I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with a Black and Decker power tool. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Day 13. I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying 'fabulous,' and still he keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ... Day 14. Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out ... I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" butt-thing again, I'm gonna kill him. Day 15. I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me "Sister Wendy" makes "Father Woody" want to bark like a dog. Help me. Day 16. I think I will have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to... stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket. I'm starting to adhere to everything I sit on. The cats are afraid of him and the neighbors no longer come over. Last night I told him to fuck himself ... he did. He must die. The New York Times says that researchers have determined Viagra will help double the lifespan of plants, fruit and vegetables. "Plants aren't all that different from people," says plant physiologist Yaacov Leshem. "Viagra helps prevent aging and helps them stay erect." A few drops of Viagra dissolved in water helps decrease the emission of ethylene from cut flowers. It's ethylene that causes ripening and eventual spoilage. Leshem says the only drawback is the cost of Viagra, and, oh, the possible effect on consumers who eat vegetables treated with the stuff. "Our recommendation for the time being is that Viagra only be safely applied to cut flowers. People don't tend to eat roses." Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?" Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not." "But Grandpa, why?", asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to." A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed." How to Tell if Your Viagra is Working At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a meeting, the table floats. The paleness of your face (because of the lack of blood)--It's all you-know-where. You begin to look at the dog with interest. You fall naked and face down on the beach and the point comes out in New Zealand. They confuse you with the duracell bunny When you come into a sauna, everyone stands up and applauds. You begin to think that your mother-in-law is pretty. You no longer need the TV remote control. You killed a passer-by with a button that flew off your new Levis. If you die, they won't be able to close your coffin for three days. They begin to call you "the tripod." The butchers look for you because they ran out of peperoni. You go out to sunbathe nude and (if you're standing) the birds perch on it to rest, or (if you're lying down) you look like a sundial. When you go camping all you bring is the canvas, but you leave the tent poles behind. Everyone lets you get in line in front of him or her in the bank, the supermarket, etc. Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar, compared with you. When you go to the kitchen in the middle of the night, you can carry the glass of milk, the cookies, the napkins, the plate, and other things that you couldn't before using just 2 hands. You always lose limbo contests Monica Lewinsky wants you to be president someday. You can make drawings in the sand at the beach without having to look for a stick. You had them take down the ceiling fan in the bedroom because you like to sleep on your back. This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour." "Perfect," she replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife? She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half." The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?", he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?" "Yes" the man replied. "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?", said the Doctor. The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..." I once tried viagra for fun But there's one thing that it has done I had a hard-on so thick People thought that my prick Must weigh nearly a tonne Viagra can cure a 'small' prob It turns my inch into a real knob But my zip it has bust From the trob and the trust That women hang round in a mob My sex life it has been rough Viagra's some real powerful stuff The girls do complain As they feel too much pain As I enter their regular size muff As many are aware, England has yet to approve Viagra. There is a rumor that that is about to change. The approval will be for a somewhat different indication. The British will be inserting it much as they would snuff. It will be to enable them to "keep a stiff upper lip." Hasn't been approved?! What's holding it up? It has come to the attention of researchers that a previously unanticipated reaction results when Viagara is taken along with Ex-Lax. Both products tend to act together and magnify the effects of the other. The end result is that you end up coming and going at the same time Canadian Viagra Decision In a news release, the Canadian Dept. of Health rejected the licencing of the drug Viagra for use in Canada. Three reasons for this decision were cited at the time: 1) Pamela Anderson is Canadian 2) Shannon Tweed is Canadian 3) Shania Twain is Canadian Swing! With women like that, Canadians don't need it! We've all been reading about U.S. airline pilots being barred from using Viagra on the job. Isn't it interesting that a single drug could both augment and diminish performance in the cockpit. Is it only old goats like me that remember where the airplane "joystick" and "cockpit" got their names? VIAGRA VALENTINES Art Buchwald (February 10, 2000) Every so often I have to precede an article with the words, "I didn't make this up." Such is today's subject, which I did not invent. It appears that the Pfizer drug company, manufacturer of Viagra, the happy sex pill, has a Valentine's Day advertising campaign urging women to give their boyfriends Viagra instead of chocolate marshmallows. I repeat, I didn't make this up. The company is not appealing to Bob Dole or males waltzing at the Roseland Ballroom. The Pfizer people want young customers, many who may not even suffer from sexual dysfunction for another 30 years. It looks like the Pfizer marketing people want everyone to get in the habit of using Viagra, and St. Valentine's Day is as good a time as any to get one's attention. The campaign does not say you need Viagra to live a better life. You need a doctor's prescription to get it. But what the advertising people are pushing is that you can't have romance without Viagra. To make their point, Pfizer has Cupid holding a Viagra pill in his arms in the print ads. What comes to mind for many men is how does a significant other present a heart-shaped Valentine box of blue pills to a boyfriend? (So far, men say they would rather have caramel chocolates.) "Here my darling George. All I can say is to take one of these one hour before bedtime and you will feel the earth shake." "But I'm only 23 years old. Why do I need a blue pill to show how much I love my better half?" "That's what love is all about." The great thing about Pfizer is they want everyone to be happy. The best way to dramatize their relationship to Cupid is to celebrate it on Valentine's Day. The trade papers indicate that Pfizer is concerned that the competition from two other drugs, Vacomax and Uprima, might start cutting into Viagra's sales. For a long time Pfizer had the market to itself. It wasn't No. 1 on the gift list, but it was coming awfully close. A marketing man from Prescription World said, "If you present your boyfriend with a dozen Viagra tablets on Valentine's Day you are sending him more than a message. You are telling him how much you love him, particularly if you get him a refill for the prescription on George Washington's Birthday." There is only one concern. If things don't work out romantically should you ask your date to give back the pills? Pfizer says they are working on the problem now. In the meantime, the drug advertising world is singing, Roses are red, Violets are blue, Pfizer will make money Whether you don't or you do. |
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