WHAT DO YOU THINK smokers would do if they didn't smoke? You get 
some pleasure from it, and you also get some other beneficial things, 
such as stress relief. Nobody knows what you'd turn to if you didn't 
smoke. Maybe you'd beat your wife. Maybe you'd drive cars fast. Who 
knows what the hell you'd do.
 Geoffrey C. Bible, CEO of Philip Morris, Briarpatch 



  Having smoking sections in restaurants is like having urinating and 
non-urinating sections in public swimming pools.
 Garfield Mahood
 Executive Director Canadian Non-Smokers Rights Association



  So you've probably seen the headline by now regarding the study 
linking smoking and colon cancer.
  Somehow I can't help but thinking they're blowing smoke up my ass.



  A tobacco company sent Dave several packages of cigarettes with 
the explanation: "We are sending you some of our finest cigarettes.  
We hope you enjoy them and will want more."
  After several months the tobacco company received this reply
from Dave:
  "I got your cigarettes and soaked them in a quart of water which 
I sprayed on my bug-infested rosebushes.  Every bug died!!!  The 
cigarettes are sure good poison.  Please send me some more next 
year in case any bugs survived."



SMOKE WARNINGS MAKE MALES CRINGE

  A Canadian study shows that smokers seem to have smaller penises,
due to the smoking.
  Health Canada should take note of that penis study.
  There is no doubt that news of reduced size and endurance, if properly
advertised, will end smoking once and for all in the male population...
of this man hath no greater fear.
 
New Cigarette Package Warning Labels.

*  These cigarettes are king size -- and you're not.

*  Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.

*  If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.

*  Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.

*  Smoke rises -- you may not

*  Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- if you were capable
of conceiving any.

*  Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff -- so do you.

*  How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards if there's no before?

*  The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.

*  Don't throw lit cigarettes in the urinal -- you might not have the
range to put them out.

*  The longer the smoke the shorter the poke. . .

*  Smoke it and see - the big C.

*  Smoking is silly - it shortens your willy. . .

*  Cigarettes prevent children.




  A man went to his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction 
to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive 
patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion
therapy.
  "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, 
and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and 
place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can't 
tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won't dare smoke 
any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."
  "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he 
came back and saw the doctor again.
  "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be 
effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"
answered the doctor.
  "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my
addiction," replied the patient.
  "What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor.
  "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep 
at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my butt."



RJR Nabisco to Replace Joe Camel in New Ads

WINSTON-SALEM, N.C. - The RJ Reynolds Tobacco Co., bowing to pressure 
from tobacco critics, including President Clinton, said Thursday it was
retiring its controversial Joe Camel advertising character. 
  RJ Reynolds said in a statement that Joe Camel would not appear in 
a new advertising campaign that will kick off next week on billboards 
nationally and in magazines next month. The company said the new ads 
will feature the characters from "Peanuts" and the ever-popular "Beetle
Bailey" gang. Negotiations with PBS for the "Barney" character fell 
through at the last minute, company spokesmen said.



What's the best way to stop someone from smoking in bed?
Get a waterbed, and fill it with gasoline.



  A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him
into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make
them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute
little vase on the mantel.
  He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. 
He says "What's this?"
  She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
  He goes, "Geez...oooh....I..."
  She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
 

  
   Nicatreats, the maker of the widely popular Bubble-gum Cigarettes 
introduced their newest product today- the Candy Patch. Available in
chocolate, vanilla, and menthol, the Candy Patch will be on the shelves
this summer.
  On the downside, parent groups strongly caution that use of the Candy
Patch with Bubble-gum Cigarettes can result in adolescent heart failure.



  A tobacco company had heard that the oldest citizen of a certain 
village had been smoking their product for over fifty years. They 
dispatched a public-relations man to the village to interview him.
  "Sir," the P.R. man said, "we are prepared to fly you to California
to appear on an early morning television show to give a testimonial 
about our tobacco company."
  "Can't do it!" replied the seasoned smoker.
  "You can't do it?" asked the P.R. man.  "Don't you want a free plane
ticket to California?"
  "Yep, I'd like to go to California, but I can't do it."
  "Well, Sir," said the P.R. man, "we're prepared to put you up in one
of the nicest hotels in Los Angeles for at least three nights. Wouldn't
that be wonderful?"
  "Yep, it would be wonderful, but I can't do it!"
  "Why can't you do it?" screamed the P.R. man.
  "Well, young fellow," he said, "I can't fly to California and appear 
on that morning television show to give a testimonial about your tobacco
because I don't stop coughing until noon!"



  I think the war between the smokers and non-smokers is heating 
up a bit. I went into a restaurant for lunch the other day and, 
as is my practice, requested a table in the "no smoking" section. 
They seated me, and I went about the business of ordering and 
eating my food. Somewhere between the clam chowder and a club 
sandwich, I caught the smell of nearby burning tobacco. Upon 
looking around, I noticed the man in the booth next to me smoking 
a freshly lit cigarette. 
  Overcoming my natural reticence regarding confrontation, 
I spoke to the man. 
  "Excuse me, sir, but, when you came in, did you ask to be seated
in the no-smoking section?"
  "Yes, I don't like the smell of smoke when I am eating any more 
than anyone else."
  I asked, "Then why are you smoking that cigarette?"
  "I've finished eating."
  Silly me, it was obvious to the most casual observer. I called 
the server over and made her aware of the situation. She pointed 
out to the man that he was smoking in a No Smoking section (I
suspect this was not a startling revelation) and went away with 
his assurance that he was just leaving.
  Of course he didn't leave until he had finished that cigarette 
and lit another.  But at least he did finally go.
  Apparently he had noticed the motorcycle helmet and jacket I 
was wearing when I came in, because in a minute or so, I noticed 
him eyeing the Harley parked by the front door. He took out a 
small notebook, wrote something on a leaf from it, tore off the 
note, and placed it between the seat and gas tank.
  His next action took me completely off guard. He looked straight 
in the window at me, then put his foot against the gas tank and 
shoved the motorcycle over on its side. He then spun around and 
ran smack into a very large, bearded fellow who apparently owned 
the Harley. What which ensued netted him at least one broken bone
and hopefully a little jail time.
  After the police had come and gone, I helped the bearded gentleman
right his bike, and noticed the note the man had left.
  I unfolded it and read: 'This will teach you to mess with smoker's
rights.'
  I laughed and handed the note to the cigar-chewing biker. I then 
went around to the other side of the building, got in my BMW, and 
went back to work.




  The Tobacco Settlements are a huge complicated deal, so this should 
help answer some questions about the settlements going on around the 
country.  (For those of you outside the United States, nearly all of 
the 50 states have filed law suits against the makers of cigarettes 
to recover health related costs.)  Jacob Giles, Atlanta, GA. reporting...

Q: Could you please explain the recent historic tobacco settlement?

A: Sure! Basically, the tobacco industry has admitted that it is
killing people by the millions, and has agreed that from now on it
will do this under the strict supervision of the federal government.

Q: Will there be monetary damages assessed?

A: Yes. To compensate for the immense suffering caused by its
products, the tobacco industry will pay huge sums of money to the
group most directly affected.

Q: Lawyers?

A: Yes.

Q: Will the federal government also receive large quantities 
   of money?

A: Of course.

Q: How will the tobacco industry obtain this money?

A: By selling more tobacco products.

Q: What if consumers stop buying tobacco products?

A: That would be very bad. That would mess up the economics of 
the whole thing. The government would probably have to set up 
an emergency task force to figure out ways to get people smoking 
again in order to finance the historic tobacco settlement.

Q: If the government really wants people to stop smoking, how 
come it doesn't just make cigarettes illegal?

A: Because people would smoke them anyway.

Q: Then how come the government makes crack cocaine illegal?

A: That is an unfair comparison. The tobacco industry is merely 
selling a deadly product; the crack cocaine industry is guilty of 
something far far worse.

Q: Failure to make large political donations??

A: Yes.

Q: Many people started smoking because they watched classic 
movies in which glamorous Hollywood stars were always inhaling 
and exhaling vast clouds of smoke and looking totally cool. 
What will be done to correct this under the historic tobacco 
settlement?

A: By 1998, all classic movies will be digitally reprocessed 
by special Food and Drug Administration computers so that - 
to cite one example - in Casablanca, when Humphrey Bogart 
makes his dramatic final speech to Ingrid Bergman, he will 
have the voice of Rocky the Flying Squirrel.

Q: Whose voice will the late John Wayne have?

A: The late Lucille Ball's.

Q: What will happen to all the tobacco institute scientists, who,
despite decades of dedicated research, were never able to find a
single shred of evidence proving that cigarettes cause cancer?

A: At the request of the White House, they will be reassigned to 
the Whitewater investigation.

Q: Speaking of administration scandals, if President Clinton 
actually winds up in court over this Paula Jones thing, what 
steps will be taken to prevent the trial from turning into a 
grotesque and demeaning pubic spectacle?

A: Mr. Clinton's face will be covered at all times by an
electronically superimposed dark blob, underneath which will 
be an electronic label identifying him only as "A United 
States President."

Q: How will the historic tobacco settlement affect the aliens 
whose spaceship crashed near Roswell, N.M. in 1947, and whose 
bodies are now being kept in top-secret government freezers?

A: Millions of dollars will be paid to their lawyers.

Q: I guess that covers it! Thanks! Smoke?

A: I have my own.




SMOKER'S PRAYER

Heavenly Father, hear my plea,
and grant my lungs serenity.
  
Give me strength to kick the smoking
that's been causing all my choking.
  
Let my breath be fresh and clean
without a trace of nicotine.
  
Guide me by your holy means
past all those cigarette machines.
  
I ask your help and it's no wonder
'cause if I don't guit, I'm six feet under.
 
cough...cough...cough
  


Top Signs You Should Quit Smoking

You keep losing lit butts down the hole in your windpipe.

That lung in your lap after your last coughing fit.

Your name is between "Southeast Asia" and "Europe" on the 1997 
 Phillip Morris Shareholder's Report.

Counting "Camel Points", you're now worth more than Bill Gates.

You spend more standing time outside of your office building than the 
 landscaper does.

No ashtray option on that monogrammed iron lung you wanted to buy with 
 your Marlboro Points, anyway.

You're no doctor, but "Cancer of the Cancer" doesn't sound like good news.

Elbow-length nicotine stains now function as gloves for your evening gown.

You're a neo-left-wing NEA funded performance artist in the Mapplethorpe 
 tradition, but you wish everyone would get off of Jesse Helm's back about
  this tobacco thing!

1977: Miss Teen Ohio. 1997: Runner-Up, Marge Schott Look-Alike Contest.

You've convinced yourself that tobacco counts as a serving of vegetables.

Motorized tie rack retrofitted with donor lungs mounted on your left arm.

Before entering prison, the notion of trading your virginity for a pack
 of Camels would never have occurred to you.

No takers for your new invention, the Shower Ashtray.

Constantly bitching about the No Smoking policy in the Neo-Natal ICU.

After you sneeze, your hankie looks like a Dalmatian.




Signs You Smoke Too Many Cigars

1) The value of your home fluctuates with your cigar shipments.

2) Your local tobacconist offers to let you use his beach house.

3) You make all the passengers in your car sit in the back seat
because the front seat air bag is reserved for your travel-dor.

4) You stop a girl in mid-fellatio because you notice the humidity
gauge in your 'dor has dropped to 67%.

5) You bribe the maitre'd at a non-smoking restaurant to tell your
wife there's no reservations available whenever she calls.

6) A guest points to one of your make-shift mason jar ashtrays and
says, "I'm very sorry for your loss. Was it a close relative?"

7) Your mail carrier asks if you're a Spanish teacher because he notices
you get frequent packages from Spain marked, "EDUCATIONAL MATERIALS"

8) The guy who slept with your wife apologizes and offers you a
Cohiba Esplendito and you accept.

9) You have actually drunk propylene glycol to prove to someone
that it's harmless.

10) You instruct the best man at your wedding to finish his toast
with, "If you don't like the cigar smoke, get the hell out of here!"

11) You miss the birth of your first child because you're in a
bidding war with somebody on Ebay for a box of Montecristo #2's.

12) Your humidor is worth more than your car.

13) You're wife tells you you're cut off if you come to bed stinking of 
cigars anymore and you go out and buy her a vibrator the next day.

14) You take all the guns and ammunition out of your safe to make
room for your Cuban cigars.

15) When you see a picture of a sexy model with a cigar hanging
out of her mouth you don't immediatly fantasize about fellatio.

16) You don't allow your wife to wear perfume because you're
afraid the aroma will marry with your cigars.

17) You have a laminated picture of your humidor on the living room 
window with a drawing of a fireman's hat and a fire extinguisher above 
it with bold letters saying, "PLEASE SAVE"

18) You love cigars so much that you sniff the smoke you exhale so
you can also enjoy your own second hand smoke.

19) You have a video camera installed in your home so you can check 
up on the baby sitter to make sure she isn't opening your humidor.

20) You actually have a written plan detailing how you'll smuggle
back cigars from your vacation.

21) There's so much smoke pouring out of your car window when you smoke 
that you can see and hear the people on the sidewalk pointing at you 
yelling, "Hey buddy! Your car's on fire!"

22) You judge the competency of a pest control company based solely on
their knowledge of the life cycle of the tobacco beetle.

23) You know who Zino Davidoff is but you keep wondering who this
Al Gore person they keep talking about on TV is?

24) You come home from work and your wife calls you into the bedroom. 
You find her lying naked on the bed, legs akimbo, rolling your favorite
double corona accross her belly. She winks at you and says, "Oh honey, 
I'm so horney. Do something kinky for me with this cigar." Sure hon," 
you reply, "I know exactly what you mean." Then you pull her over your 
knee and yell, "Young lady! Did'nt daddy tell you not to play with his 
cigars?" Then give her a good spanking.

25) You forget to bring matches or a lighter with you on your camping 
trip and attempt to light your cigar with a flashlight.

26) Your car looks like crap but you wax your humidor every Saturday.

27) You know the difference between birdseye maple and tiger maple.

28) You pay $500 for a play-off ticket then listen to the game in your
car in the stadium parking lot because they don't allow smoking inside
the ballpark.

29) You have a parachute attached to your humidor so you can throw it
out the window in case of a fire.

30) You have a lojack tracking device installed on your box of Cohiba
Siglo III's

31) you begin writting "Tom's of Maine" to come out with a maduro
flavored toothpaste.

32) When you save the clippings from your stogies...just in case you
need to roll an emergency cigar.

33) You actually tried to light a chocolate cigar someone handed you.

34) after seeing a new movie, you can only talk about the cigar one of
the characters was smoking...and your pissed that it wasn't listed in 
the credits!

35) You plan vacation routes to coincide with cigar shops.

36) Your favorite comedians are George Burn, Groucho Marx, Shemp, 
and Ernie Kovacs.

37) Upon seeing an unfinished cigar discarded in an ashtray you begin
to weep.

38) When you begin to wonder if you can remove the same cigar, without
anyone looking, and smoke it.

39) When you finally say to hell with it, and just pick the same cigar
up, and light it.

40) When you can reshingle the roofs of every house in your neighborhood,
with cigar box seperators

41) You go on vacation and the smog problem in your city clears up.

42) You have wallpapered your house with cigar bands.

43) You close your mouth tight...and you STILL have a 50 ring gage
opening in lips. (Oddly enough, if you ever run into a woman with 
this same problem, it's usually from smoking too...just not cigars)

44) Cigar Aficiando has given one of your farts a rating of 80...
"hints of young grass, coffee and nuts with a nice cedary finish."

45) You find out that your face is now being printed on Dominican
Republic currency.

46) You use more butane in a week to light your cigars, then you use
gas to heat your house ALL YEAR!

47) The UPS guys entire route IS your house.

48) You have so much cedar, from cigar boxes, that there are no living
moths for a two mile radius around your home.

49) You have Alhambra water delivery and two water dispensers at your
house...but one is for propylene glycol.

50) Honduran cigar factory rollers...carry your picture in their wallets.

51) When the state of California requires you to wear the following label.
"WARNING, this person contains/produces chemicals known to the state of 
California to cause cancer..."