Drug Jokes

Drug Jokes

Reality is for people what can't handle Drugs.

"I tell my kids, If you're gonna take drugs, REPLACE THEM" 
   -Tommy Chong

Drugs.  I can take them or leave them.  
But they're much more effective when I take them.
    -Ronnie Shakes

"Drugs will get you through times of no money better that money 
will get you through times of no drugs."
    Free Wheelin' Frank (Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers)


Many parents today are concerned that their offspring 
might somehow be involved in the world of illegal 
pharmaceuticals, or "drugs".  This is a healthy concern.  
Knowing your kids are "high" is the first step toward 
helping them avoid problems with their health, their 
grades,  the law, and getting those hard-to-clean vomit 
stains out of the Oriental rug.

KNOW THE WARNING SIGNS- select the option which best 
describes your child.

1. Your child's idea of a fun sport to play is: 
A) tossing a pigskin ball around 
B) throwing an orange rubber ball into a netted hole 
C) inserting a pointy needle into a vein and mixing 
   foreign substances into the human bloodstream.

2. Your child's idea of a responsible adult is: 
A) Bill Clinton
B) Tom Hanks 
C) Charles Manson.

3. Your child's favorite hobbies include: 
A) Model Rocketry 
B) Baseball 
C) Taking white, powdery substances from a big bag and 
   breaking it down into many smaller bags.

4. Your child's pet is: 
A) a puppy dog 
B) a 16' python 
C) a colony of imaginary bugs and spiders that crawl 
   under their skin.

5. Your child's breath smells like: 
A) a fresh, minty mountain top 
B) lunch 
C) an opium den.

6. When your young ones dress up to go out, they look like: 
A) Fred and Ginger 
B) Regis and Kathy Lee 
C) Sid and Nancy

7. Your child would identify Tijuana Gold as: 
A) a precious metal 
B) a Mexican theme park 
C) a good deal, but not as potent as the stuff from Thailand.

8. When you ask your child how their day at school was at the 
dinner table they answer: 
A) they scored a goal for their soccer team
B) they got the highest grade in class on a math test 
C) they scored a dime bag and got high.

Total up the number of times you answered "C" to the questions 
above, and consult the table below.

0 "C's"- Chances are your child is not on drugs.  They probably 
aren't that exciting either.  Kick them out of the house and 
force them to live on the cold streets for a few months to let 
them really appreciate life in all it's murkiness.

1-3 "C's"- Your child might be on drugs, but you can't be certain.  
Put a flashlight up to their face and flash it in their eyes.  
This doesn't really tell you anything, but it scares the pants off 
your kids and is kind of fun.

3-6 "C's"- You may as well face it, you've got a little druggie 
on your hands.  Your child is a menace to society and must be 
dealt with accordingly.  We suggest a good flaying to help them 
kick their nasty habit.  Confiscate all their stash and send it 
to Us.

7-8 "C's"- Your child has never used drugs.  No sir. Just smile 
nicely at them and slink out of the house. Never return.


SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- The late astronomer and author Carl Sagan 
was a secret but avid marijuana smoker, crediting it with 
inspiring essays and scientific insight, according to Sagan's 

Theories Developed by Carl Sagan While Stoned

The period of rotation of Pulsar JC9270 totally synchs up with 
the drum solo in "In A Gadda Da Vida," man!

"Twinkies, Twinkies, little stars; seem so close, yet are so far."

The Theory of Munchitivity:  At times, peanut butter is more 
valuable than gold.

The sensor casing from a mass spectrometer makes a handy roach clip.

"Some day, with all of our advances in science and technology, 
we'll be able to land a man on the sun."

The Big Bong Theory

If you took a hit while travelling at the speed of light,  
you'd get one major rush, dude.

Who says I can't travel faster than the speed of light.

"Theory of Joint Relativity": A complex quantum physics equation 
that proves that the more pot you smoke, the slower your automobile 
travels with you at the wheel.

Floyd rocks!

A single "You Are Here" sign will work EVERYwhere.

Wow, man!  There are, like, a LOT of stars.  There must be 
*hundreds* of 'em.  Maybe even *thousands*.  No, millions and 
millions!  Wait, I'm onto something here...

You know why so many kids are on dope? 
I'll tell you why. 
It's because you gotta be stoned to enjoy
some of the crap they call music these days. 

Canada's War on Marijauna Update...
Old King Cole was a merry old soul
And a merry old soul was he
He called for his pipe
And he called for his bowl
And was pepper-sprayed by RCMP.

The Old Dope Peddler

When the shades of night are falling
Comes a fellow everyone knows
It's the old dope peddler
Spreading joy wherever he goes

Ev'ry evening you will find him
Around our neighborhood
It's the old dope peddler
Doing well by doing good

He gives the kids free samples
Because he knows full well
That today's young innocent faces
Will be tomorrow's clientele

Here's a cure for all your troubles
Here's an end to all distress
It's the old dope peddler
With his powdered happiness

As I recall, the tune was that of
"The Old Lamp-Lighter."

by Tom Lehrer, then 25 years old

The Smoke-Off
by Shel Silverstein

Now in the laid-back California town of sunny San Rafael
Lived a girl named Pearly Sweetcake - you probably knew her well
She was stoned 15 of her 18 years, and her story was widely told
That she could smoke 'em faster than anyone could roll 

Well, her legend finally reached New York, that Grove Street walk-up flat
Where dwelt the Calistoga Kid, a beatnik from the past
He'd been rollin' dope since time began, now he took a cultured toke
And said "Jim, I can roll 'em faster than any CHICK can smoke" 

So a note gets sent to San Rafael for the championship of the world
The Kid demands a smoke-off; "Well bring him on!" says Pearl
"I'll grind his fingers off his hands! He'll roll until he drops!"
Says Calistog, "I'll smoke that chick till she blows up and pops". 

So they rent out Yankee Stadium, and the word is quickly spread
Come one, come all, who walk or crawl, tickets just two lids a head
And from every town and hamlet, over land and sea they speed
The world's greatest dopers, with the world's greatest weed. 

Hashishers from Morocco, hemp smokers from Peru
And the Shashniks from Bagun (who smoke the deadly Pu-ga-ru)
And those who call it "light of life"
And those that call it "boo". 

See the dealers and their ladies, wearing turquoise lace and leather
See the narcos and the closet smokers, puffing all together
From the teenies who smoke legal, to the ones who've done some time
To the old man who smoked "reefer", back before it was a crime. 

And the grand old House That Ruth Built is filled with the smokes and cries
Of fifty thousand screaming heads, all stoned out of their minds
And they play the national anthem, and the crowd lets out a roar
As the spotlight hits the Kid and Pearl, ready for their smoking war. 

At a table piled up high with grass, as high as a mountain peak
Just tops and buds of the rarest flowers, not one stem branch or seed
I mean, Maui Wowie, Panama Red, Acapulco Gold
Kif from East Afghanistan, and that rare Alaska Cold 

And there's sticks from Thailand, ganj from the island,
And Bangkok's blooming best
(and some of that wet imported shit
That capsized off Key West). 

There's Oaxacan tops and Kenya bhang, and Riviera fleurs
And that rare Manhattan Silver, that grows down in the New York sewers.
And there's bubblin' ice cold lemonade, and sweet grapes by the bunches
And there's Hershey bars and Oreos (in case anybody gets the munches) 

And the Calistoga Kid he smiles, And Pearly she just grins :-)
And the drums roll low, and the crowd yells "GO GO GO!!"
And the world's first smoke-off begins. 

Well, the Kid he flicks his fingers once, and ZAP that first joint's rolled
Pearl takes one toke with her famous lungs, and WHOOSH that roach is cold
Then the Kid he rolls his super-bomb, that would paralyze a moose
And Pearl takes one mighty hit, and ...... that bomb's defused 

And then he rolls three in just ten seconds, and she smokes them up in nine
And everybody sits back and says "Hey.... this just might take some time" 

See the blur of flying fingers, see the red coal burning bright
As the night turns into mornin', and the mornin' fades to night
And the autumn turns to summer, and a whole damn YEAR is gone
And the two still sit, on that roach-filled stage, smokin', and rollin' on 

With tremblin' hands he rolls his jays, with fingers blue and stiff
She coughs and stares with bloodshot gaze, and puffs through blistered lips
And as she reaches out her hand for another stick of gold
The Kid, he gasps, "Damn it, bitch! There's nothin' left to roll!" 


And she reaches 'cross the table and grabs his bony sleeves
And crumbles his body between her hands, like dried and brittle leaves
Flicking out his teeth and bones like useless stems and seeds
And then she rolls him in a Zig-zag, and lights him like a roach
And the fastest man, with the fastest hands, goes up in a puff of smoke. 

In the laid-back California town of sunny San Rafael
Lives a girl named Pearly Sweetcake - you probably know her well
She been stoned 21 of her 24 years, and her story is still widely told
How she still can smoke 'em faster than any dude can roll 

While, off in New York City, on a street that has no name
There's the hands of the Calistoga Kid, in the Viper Hall of Fame
And underneath his fingers, there's a little golden scroll
That says: "Beware of bein' the roller
            When there's nothin' left to roll".

(Sung to the tune of the Alphabet Song)
Gummy Bears are chasing me
Red, yellow, green....purple and blue
One just stole my fucking shoe
Next time won't you trip with me?"

[Sung to My Favorite Things]

Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
These are a few of my favorite drugs.

Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
These are a few of my favorite drugs.

Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
Users of heroin, often called junkies
Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.

On a bad trip
When the cops come
When I lose my head
I simply take more of my favorite drugs
And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!

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