Beer Jokes

Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains 
small traces of female hormones.  To prove their theory they 
fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of 
them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Since there are 24 beers in a case
and there are 24 hours in a day,
it shows the marvelous mathematics of a creator!
365 ml in a can,
365 days in a year!

Q. What does american beer and making love in a small 
   rowing-boat have in common?
A. They are both fucking close to water!

Why is American beer served cold?
So you can tell it from urine.

What is the difference between Budweiser and Bud Dwyer?
Budweiser has a head. 

Have you heard about the new beer called "Scud Light"?
You can drink all day and all night, but it just never 
hits the spot.

  A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest 
buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest 
and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This 
natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because 
the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving
by the regular culling of the weakest members.
  In much the same way, the human brain can operate only 
as fast as the slowest brain cells.  Excessive intake of 
alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally 
it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. 
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the 
weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and 
more efficient machine.
  The results of this in-depth epidemiological study 
verifies and validates the causal link between all-night 
parties and consulting performance.  It also explains 
why, after a few short years of leaving the university 
and getting married, most consultants cannot keep up 
with the performance of the new graduates.  Only those 
few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic 
consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they 
achieved during their university years. 
  So, this is a call to arms.  As our country is losing 
its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes.  
Get back into the bars!  Quaff that beer!  Your employer 
and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't 
deny yourself the career that you could have.
Be all that you can be!

Beer Troubleshooting
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT:   Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:  Rotate glass so that open end points 
           toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT:   Improper bladder control.
ACTION:  Stand next to nearest dog, complain about 
           house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT:   Glass empty.
ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT:   You have fallen over backward.
ACTION:  Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT:   You have fallen forward.
ACTION:  See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT:   Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong 
         part of face.
ACTION:  Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT:   You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT:   You are being carried out.
ACTION:  Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT:   Bar has closed.
ACTION:  Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT:   Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION:  Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM:  Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT:    Your dancing on the table.
ACTION:   Fall on someone cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM:  Beer is crystal clear.
FAULT:    Someone is trying to sober you up.
ACTION:   Punch him.

SYMPTOM:  Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT:    You have been in a fight.
ACTION:   Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM:  Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT:    You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION:   See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM:  Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT:    The beer is too weak.
ACTION:   Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM:  Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT:    Beer is just right.
ACTION:   Play air guitar.

  Based on the tune "Do,Re,Mi" 
  (Do, a deer, a female deer. ...etc) 
  Do, a beer, a Mexican beer.
  Re, a guy who buys me beer.
  Mi, I'd like to have a beer.
  Fa, a long, long way for beer.
  So, I think I'll have a beer.
  La, la, la, la, la, la, beer!
  Ti, no thanks, I'll have a beer.
  And that brings us back to Do!

  "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink
I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about 
the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.
  If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and
their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is 
better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true 
than be selfish and worry about my liver."

  "Pour me a cold one," said the teenager walking into the bar.
  Looking him over, the barmaid said, "Scat, kid, you want to 
get me in trouble?"
  "Maybe later," he replied. "Right now all I want's a beer."

If you doubt the importance of BEER in history read on...

  It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that 
for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply 
his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey 
beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period 
was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the 

  Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb 
or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding 
yeast.  Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow.  Too hot, and 
the yeast would die.  This thumb in the beer is where we get 
the phrase "rule of thumb."

  In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old 
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at 
them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down.  It's 
where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

  Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock.  
It's clear from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want 
to waste beer looking for a better site.  The log goes on to 
state that the passengers "were hasted ashore and made to drink 
water that the seamen might have the more beer."

  After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called 
aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle 
often without armour or even shirts.  In fact, the term 
"berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on 
the meaning of their wild battles.

  In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water 
down the navy's rum.  Needless to say, the sailors weren't too 
pleased and called Admiral Vernon "Old Grog," after the stiff 
wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean 
the watered down drink itself.  When you were drunk on this 
grog, you were "groggy."

  Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked 
into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups.  When they needed 
a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.  "Wet your 
whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

Beer Prayer

Our beer
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drunk
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as it is in the local
Forgive us this day our daily spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us
And lead us not into the wine tasting
And deliver us from alcopops
For mine is the bitter
The ale and the lager
For ever and ever

  After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the 
brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
  The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Sen~or, I would 
like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts 
off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
  The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the 
world, give me, 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender 
gives him one.
  The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with 
Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
  The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
  The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what 
he ordered.
  The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 
"Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness 
resident replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, 
neither will I."

TOKYO - Here in the chic pubs of the Aoyama district, the latest 
fad inspired by beer makers struggling through a sluggish economy 
is the flammable suds of the new Hydrogen Beer. The latest craze 
among the environmentally conscious crowd of twentysomethings, 
the "Suiso" beer made by the Asaka Beer Corporation has been 
extremely popular at karaoke sing-along bars and discotheques.
  Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air. Because 
hydrogen molecules are lighter than air, sound waves are 
transmitted more rapidly; individuals whose lungs are filled 
with the nontoxic gas can speak with an uncharacteristically 
high voice.
  Exploiting this quirk of physics, chic urbanites can now sing 
soprano parts on karaoke sing-along machines after consuming a 
big gulp of Suiso beer.
  The drink comes in a transparent hexagonal bottle imported from 
the maker of the new American drink "Zima," according to Hideki 
Saito, marketing director of Asaka Beer Corp. While the bottles 
are imported from Tennessee, the labels are made with a 
100% biodegradable polymer. The bottle caps are equipped with 
a safety valve to prevent excess build-up of pressure in high
  The flammable nature of hydrogen has also become another 
selling point, even though Asaka has not acknowledged that 
this was a deliberate marketing ploy. It has inspired a new 
fashion of blowing flames from one's mouth using a cigarette 
as an ignition source. Many new karaoke videos feature singers 
shooting blue flames in slow motion, while flame contests took
place in pubs everywhere in Tokyo on New Year's eve.
  So far, Asaka beer has insisted that the quantities of 
hydrogen used in the drinks is too low to create potential for 
bodily harm. In the factory, the carbon dioxide that is dissolved 
in the beer is partially extracted and replaced with hydrogen gas.
Mr. Saito maintained that the remaining carbon dioxide mixed with 
hydrogen prevents the rate of combustion from increasing 
dramatically. Carbon dioxide is a nonflammable gas that is
naturally contained in the exhaled breath of humans.
  However, the company has hesitated from marketing the product 
in the US due to legal complications.
  Each bottle of Suiso beer sells for approximately 1,200 yen, 
or eleven US dollars. The bottles are packed in special crates 
lined with concrete to prevent chain explosions in the event of 
a fire.

  FINALLY, we learn that every bottle of Olde Buzzard pale ale 
produced by the Olde Buzzards Bay Brewery in Massachusetts has 
an attractive front label showing a map of the state coastline, 
including the avian bay for which the brew is named. 
  We are glad to report, however, that on the back of the 
bottle aspiring seafarers are warned: "Chart on front not 
for navigational purposes." 

1) Remove a beer coaster from your local bar.
2) Carefully split the beer coaster top and bottom.
3) Insert a $10 bill and reseal.
4) Return to bar.
5) Place beer coaster under glass.
6) Wait for the bar to get extremely busy.
7) Discuss in a VERY LOUD voice the adverts on TV
   and in the papers which says Brewery X have hidden
   10 bills in their coasters.
8) Keep arguing about whether it's true or not
   until everyone in the bar knows what you're
   talking about.   9) Tear open some beer coasters;
   look depressed.
10) Partially tear open the one with the 10 bill in it.
11) Shout, "I've won ! I've won", and wave the tenner 
    still wedged in the beer coaster around
12) Watch every coaster in the bar get destroyed

  A man fell into a vat of beer and drowned. His boss now 
had the awful task of breaking the news to the recent widow.
Boss: "I don't know how to tell you this, but your husband has
      drowned in a vat of beer."
Widow: " Oh no, well at least it must have been a quick
       death. He didn't suffer much."
Boss: "No way, he had to get out three times to go to the bathroom." 

 The following is a letter sent to Miller Brewing Company.
 Miller's response is at the end. 

 Miller Brewing Company
 Milwaukee, Wisconsin  53201

 Dear Sir or Madam,

     I have been a drinker of Miller beer's for many years 
   (actually, ever since that other company donated a big 
   chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc. back in the 
   mid 80's).

     Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time 
   in mid 1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled 
   up from Panama. Now, for nearly six years, I have been a 
   faithful drinker of MGD.

     For these past years, I have come to expect certain 
   things from Miller Genuine Draft. I expect that 
   whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about 
   ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew.

     But wait!  Sometime around the first of the year, my 
   beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar 
   gold can was no longer gold! Knowing that I am, by nature, 
   somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve 
   judgment on the new can design.

   Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label.

     That was until about May of this year.  That was when I 
   discovered (empirically) that I really didn't like the new 
   design.  Further investigation of the cause of my distress 
   resulted in the following observations:

      1. Your cans are made of aluminum.
      2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.
      3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the 
         container may be exposed to sunlight.
      4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the 
         surface of the can.
      5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the 
         aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the can 
         (the beer).
      6. Warm beer sucks.

     This is a process that can be observed in just about any 
   beer. However, this process is significantly accelerated in 
   MGD because you painted the damn can black!!!

     Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic 
   for the can and implemented the change right before summer?  
   Granted, this process may not be real evident up there in 
   Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma (OR TEXAS) where the 
   summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a 
   problem. There's no telling what the folks in Texas and 
   Arizona are having to put up with.

     Knowing that you would probably not address this issue 
   unless you had firm evidence of a problem, I and several 
   other subjects conducted extensive experimentation. The 
   results of these experiments are listed below.

     The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck 
   next to my pool. The study included seven different types 
   of beer (leftovers from a party the previous weekend) that 
   were initially chilled to 38 degrees, then left exposed to 
   sunlight for different lengths of time. These beers were 
   sampled by the test subjects at different intervals. The 
   subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each 
   sampling interval their impressions of the different beers. 
   The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight 
   and the point where the subject determined the sample
   undrinkable (the Suckpoint) was determined.  The average 
   ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F.

    Beer Type                       Average Suckpoint (min)
    Miller Lite (white can)                      6.2
    Bud (white can)                              5.5
    Bud Lite (silver can)                        5.2
    Ice House (blue and silver can)              4.4
    Coors Lite (silver can)                      4.1
    Miller Genuine Draft (black can)             2.8
    Coors (gold can)                             0.1

     It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates 
   to the average suckpoint, except for Coors which was pretty 
   much determined to suck at any point.

     It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD 
   cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their 
   beer in the shade will thank you.


      Bradley Lee

    I have a friend that works for Miller Brewing in Milwaukee 
  and she knew about the letter sent in by Bradley Lee.  She 
  sent me the Miller response and it appears below.  She says 
  they have had a lot of fun with this guys letter. Enjoy.

   Dear Bradley Lee,

     Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can 
   color as it relates to premature warming of the contents. Like 
   you, we at Miller Beer take beer drinking very seriously. To 
   that end, we have taken your letter and subsequent experiment 
   under serious consideration.  Outlined below are our findings 
   and solution to your problem.  May we add that we have had 
   similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from 
   the Southern United States.

     First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our 
   analysis tends to agree with yours regarding Coors. It 
   certainly does suck at about any  temperature.

     Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD can 
   to create better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone 
   in marketing did some kind of research and determined we 
   needed to redesign the can. You will be pleased to know, 
   we have fired that idiot and he is now reeking havoc at a 
   pro-gun control beer manufacturer.  The design staffer 
   working in cahoots with the marketing idiot was also

     However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would 
   have been even a bigger mistake.  So, we took some other 
   actions.  From our market research, we found a difference 
   between beer drinkers.  Beer drinkers in the South tend to 
   drink slower than beer drinkers in the North.  We are still 
   researching why that is.  Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was 
   never our intentions to have someone take more than 2.5
   minutes to enjoy one of our beers.  We pride ourselves in 
   creating fine, smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the 
   making of sissy, slow sipping beers to that Sam guy 
   in Boston.

     However, it is good to know that you feel our Miller Lite 
   can last as long as 6 minutes.  However, may we suggest in 
   the future you try consuming at least two in that time frame.

     From your letter, we had our design staff work 'round the 
   clock to come up with a solution that would help not just 
   MGD but all our fine Miller products. We hope you have 
   recently noticed our solution to your problem.  We found 
   that the hole in the top of the can was not big enough for 
   quick consumption. So, we have now introduced the new "Wide 
   Mouth" cans.  We hope this will solve all your problems. 
   Might I also suggest that if you want to get the beer out 
   of the can even faster,  you can poke a hole on the side 
   near the bottom, hold your finger over it, open the can, 
   tip it to your mouth and then pull your finger off the hole.  
   This is a common way to drink beer at parties and impress your 
   friends. This technique is known as "shot-gunning".  You 
   should like the name.

     Again, thank you for your letter and bring to our attention 
   that there might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5 
   minutes to drink our beers.  Let me assure you that I am have 
   our advertising department work on campaign to solve this 
   problem, too.


      Tom B. Miller
      Public Relations
      Miller Brewing Co.

   P.S. And remember, at Miller Beer we do favor gun control, too.  
        So please use two hands when firing.

  BEER has been unfairly blamed for increasing the girth 
of generations of drinkers, an expert in analytical chemistry 
claims. The merits of beer have been missed because of its 
undeserved association with large, pot-bellied men propping 
up bars. A pint a day could even be the basis of a weight-loss 
diet, Professor David Williams of the University of Wales, 
Cardiff, says.
  Beer is a "complete food" and its health benefits outweigh 
its dangers, he says. All the evidence was that those who 
drink moderate amounts live longer.
  The large abdomens developed by some heavy drinkers were 
not attributable to beer itself but reflected the effect 
of alcohol as an appetite stimulant and as an anaesthetic. 
"Alcohol numbs your stomach, so you can't always tell when 
it is full," Professor Williams says.
  For most people even the effect of the appetite stimulus 
was offset by the carbon dioxide in beer, which encourages 
drinkers to take small quantities of food with pauses in 
between. Carbonated drinks also aid digestion by promoting 
acid production in the stomach and stimulating blood flow.
Beer contains no fat and no sugar, but worthwhile amounts of
carbohydrate, protein and vitamins. It is 93 per cent water, 
providing an important source of the four pints of water a 
day required by the average person. It is healthier than soft 
drinks because it does not rot the teeth and contains low levels 
of additives and other contaminants, which are soaked up by the 
yeast used in fermentation and then discarded.
  Writing in Chemistry in Britain, Professor Williams calls for 
an end to some of the myths surrounding a beverage which people 
have made and consumed since about 3500 BC. As well as providing 
the right nutrition, beer has a relaxing effect that helps to 
reduce stress.
  "When used as part of a balanced diet, beer is beneficial for 
human health and the infrequent mishap resulting from a little
over-indulgence is no reason to brand beer as contrary to our

"Famous Beer Quotes"

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and
an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football
team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least
you need a beer. --Frank Zappa 

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will
teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol
than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato 

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the
decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields 

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.--His reply 

Sir, you're drunk!  --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill;
Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober
and you will still be ugly. --His reply 

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have
given us stomachs. --David Daye 

Work is the curse of the drinking class. --Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman 

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin 

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking
beer, I bet it  makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep
Thought, Jack Handy 

Without question, the greatest invention in the history
of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was
also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly
as well with pizza. --Dave Barry 

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it
from urine. --David Moulton 

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of
beer; they just like to pee alot. --Capital Brewery,
Middleton, WI 

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the
world. --Kaiser Welhelm 

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet
beer. --Homer Simpson 

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as
hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no
way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave

I drink to make other people interesting. --George
Jean Nathan 

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to
spend time with his fools. --For Whom the Bell Tolls,
Ernest Hemmingway 

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without
holding on. --Dean Martin 

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like
me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing
you with beer. --Homer Simpson 

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal 
lobotomy. --Tom Waits

Beer is good food.

 If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, 
I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
     -Deep Thought, Jack Handy

 It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank.

 Life is too short to drink cheap beer.

 Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore

 Beer: Nature's laxative.

 Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother!

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we 
are drinking Barry Manilow. --Dave Barry

 When I heated my home with oil, I used an average 
of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep 
comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly 
over half that quantity of beer.
        --Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry

Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer.

If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, I'd take 
the nothing...

Draft beer, not people!

Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your 
beer that a pig  wouldn't eat. --David Geary

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of 
beer; they just like to pee a lot.
        --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Put it back in the horse!
--H. Allen Smith, an American humorist in the '30s-'50s, 
after he drank his first American beer at a bar.

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.

Conserve water.  Drink Beer.
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

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