Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains
small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they
fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of
them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
Since there are 24 beers in a case
and there are 24 hours in a day,
it shows the marvelous mathematics of a creator!
365 ml in a can,
365 days in a year!
Q. What does american beer and making love in a small
rowing-boat have in common?
A. They are both fucking close to water!
Why is American beer served cold?
So you can tell it from urine.
What is the difference between Budweiser and Bud Dwyer?
Budweiser has a head.
Have you heard about the new beer called "Scud Light"?
You can drink all day and all night, but it just never
hits the spot.
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest
buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest
and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This
natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because
the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving
by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only
as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of
alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally
it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and
more efficient machine.
The results of this in-depth epidemiological study
verifies and validates the causal link between all-night
parties and consulting performance. It also explains
why, after a few short years of leaving the university
and getting married, most consultants cannot keep up
with the performance of the new graduates. Only those
few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic
consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they
achieved during their university years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing
its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes.
Get back into the bars! Quaff that beer! Your employer
and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't
deny yourself the career that you could have.
Be all that you can be!
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong
part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: Your dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on someone cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear.
FAULT: Someone is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
Based on the tune "Do,Re,Mi"
(Do, a deer, a female deer. ...etc)
Do, a beer, a Mexican beer.
Re, a guy who buys me beer.
Mi, I'd like to have a beer.
Fa, a long, long way for beer.
So, I think I'll have a beer.
La, la, la, la, la, la, beer!
Ti, no thanks, I'll have a beer.
And that brings us back to Do!
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink
I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about
the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.
If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and
their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true
than be selfish and worry about my liver."
"Pour me a cold one," said the teenager walking into the bar.
Looking him over, the barmaid said, "Scat, kid, you want to
get me in trouble?"
"Maybe later," he replied. "Right now all I want's a beer."
If you doubt the importance of BEER in history read on...
It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that
for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply
his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey
beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period
was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the
Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb
or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding
yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and
the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get
the phrase "rule of thumb."
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at
them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's
where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."
Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock.
It's clear from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want
to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to
state that the passengers "were hasted ashore and made to drink
water that the seamen might have the more beer."
After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called
aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle
often without armour or even shirts. In fact, the term
"berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on
the meaning of their wild battles.
In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water
down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too
pleased and called Admiral Vernon "Old Grog," after the stiff
wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean
the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this
grog, you were "groggy."
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked
into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed
a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your
whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drunk
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as it is in the local
Forgive us this day our daily spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us
And lead us not into the wine tasting
And deliver us from alcopops
For mine is the bitter
The ale and the lager
For ever and ever
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the
brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Sen~or, I would
like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts
off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the
world, give me, 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender
gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with
Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask,
"Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness
resident replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer,
neither will I."
TOKYO - Here in the chic pubs of the Aoyama district, the latest
fad inspired by beer makers struggling through a sluggish economy
is the flammable suds of the new Hydrogen Beer. The latest craze
among the environmentally conscious crowd of twentysomethings,
the "Suiso" beer made by the Asaka Beer Corporation has been
extremely popular at karaoke sing-along bars and discotheques.
Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air. Because
hydrogen molecules are lighter than air, sound waves are
transmitted more rapidly; individuals whose lungs are filled
with the nontoxic gas can speak with an uncharacteristically
Exploiting this quirk of physics, chic urbanites can now sing
soprano parts on karaoke sing-along machines after consuming a
big gulp of Suiso beer.
The drink comes in a transparent hexagonal bottle imported from
the maker of the new American drink "Zima," according to Hideki
Saito, marketing director of Asaka Beer Corp. While the bottles
are imported from Tennessee, the labels are made with a
100% biodegradable polymer. The bottle caps are equipped with
a safety valve to prevent excess build-up of pressure in high
The flammable nature of hydrogen has also become another
selling point, even though Asaka has not acknowledged that
this was a deliberate marketing ploy. It has inspired a new
fashion of blowing flames from one's mouth using a cigarette
as an ignition source. Many new karaoke videos feature singers
shooting blue flames in slow motion, while flame contests took
place in pubs everywhere in Tokyo on New Year's eve.
So far, Asaka beer has insisted that the quantities of
hydrogen used in the drinks is too low to create potential for
bodily harm. In the factory, the carbon dioxide that is dissolved
in the beer is partially extracted and replaced with hydrogen gas.
Mr. Saito maintained that the remaining carbon dioxide mixed with
hydrogen prevents the rate of combustion from increasing
dramatically. Carbon dioxide is a nonflammable gas that is
naturally contained in the exhaled breath of humans.
However, the company has hesitated from marketing the product
in the US due to legal complications.
Each bottle of Suiso beer sells for approximately 1,200 yen,
or eleven US dollars. The bottles are packed in special crates
lined with concrete to prevent chain explosions in the event of