Alcohol Jokes

Alcohol Jokes

We do not have an alcohol problem at our house.
We've got at least 10 bottles of everything.

So what?  Who's in a hurry?

What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings

"If you love something let it go..if it comes back to you it's
meant to be..if not, call them later when you're drunk."

  This bloke walks into a pub with a roll of tarmac under his arm. 
He says to the landlord, "Pint of lager please."
  The landlord replies, "I think you've had enough."
  "Oh go on. Just one for the road."

What was Shakespeare barred from his favourite pub?
The bouncers were afraid he'd make a scene.

What's the best way to meet people at the bar?
Pick up someone else's change.


Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender said,
"We don't serve your type here."

  I went into a bar, and the bartender asked me if I had any 
naked pictures of my wife.
  I said "no" and he said "want some?"

  "I went into the bar the other day & the bartender said, 
What'ya have?
  I said suprise me. He did, He showed me a naked picture 
of my wife. I said, Hey, who said you could mess around 
with my wife? Everyone did. he replied..."

  Father Delany was walking home after his sermon late one night 
when he came upon an intoxicated tramp on the sidewalk. Wanting 
to help, he asked the man,
  "Do you live here?"
  "Yesh," the man slowly replied.
  "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" the father asked. 
  "Yesh," the man slowly sputtered.
  When they got up to the second floor, the father asked,
"Is this your floor?"
  "Yesh," again the man replied.
  Then Father Delany got to thinking that maybe he didn't want 
to face the man's irate wife because she may think he was the 
one who got the man drunk. So he opened the first door he came 
to and shoved him through it, then went back downstairs. Lo and 
behold, when the father went back outside, there was another 
tramp lying on the sidewalk.
  So he asked that man, "Do you live here?"
  "Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
  So he did and pushed him in the same door with the first tramp. 
Then the father went back downstairs, where, to his surprise, 
there was another tramp.
  Before the priest got to him, the tramp staggered over to a 
policeman and cried out, "For God's sake, offisher, protect me 
from thish man. He'sh been takin' me upstairsh and throwing me 
down the fire escape all night!"

  Mick O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in
his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling
to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
  "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

  Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched  
backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
  "One thing about my buddy, here," the other man said 
proudly to the bartender, "Nobody can say he doesn't know 
when to stop!"

  My friends and I thought this up after a weekend party 
at which much beer was consumed.
  A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before
closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender,
barbender, I would like a Martoutsy." The bartender
brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.
  "Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the
bartender brought her a Martini.  By this time the lady
is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on.  She
called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."
  Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady,
I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have
been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and
finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging 
in the ashtray."

  A piece of Tarmac goes into a pub , orders a drink and 
announces that he is the hardest piece of tarmac in the 
land. Just then a piece of Dual carriageway walks in, 
orders a drink and announces that he is the hardest piece 
of Dual carriageway in the land.
  Then a piece of Motorway walks in , orders a drink and 
announces that he is the hardest piece of Motorway in the 
land. Just then a piece of coloured Tarmac walks in and 
all the other supposedly hard pieces of Tarmac turn to 
avoid eye contact.
  Upon this the barman asks the Tarmacs what is wrong, 
the reply were not drinking with this guy he's a cyclepath.


  A blonde was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand,
spearing futilely at the olive in her drink. A dozen times 
the olive eluded her. Finally, another patron, who had been 
watching intently from the next stool, became exasperated 
and grabbed the toothpick.
  "Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily
skewered the olive.
  "Big Deal," muttered the blonde.  "I already had him so 
tired out, he couldn't get away."


Ask for extra-hot chilli sauce on your kebab.

Try and get off with your best mate's girlfriend.

Piss in your girlfriend's cupboard/out the window/anywhere 
except in the bathroom.

Give a running commentary, out loud, on anything you do, even 
though you're alone (eg, ah'm gonna go into the kitschen, ah'm 
gonna gemyself A beer, an' ah'm gonna drink it... thatsh whad 
am'm gonna do... etc.)

Get a tattoo/try to tattoo yourself.

Use classy chat-up lines like: "You've got phemoninal... phemonim... 
Great tits. Can I shag you?"

Fall down open manholes.

Chuck up in the back of taxis.

Climb onto the roof of bus shelters - to get a better view of 
the stars, Man.

Pull a mooner.

Think it's really funny to put all your female flatmate's underwear 
in the freezer compartment.

Make "punch" out of half a bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, 
and Some Strongbow. Drink it.

Get thrown out of a nightclub for taking all your clothes off.


Sing "Beers, beers, we want more beers, all the lads are cheerin', 
Get the fookin' beers in.  Beers beers we want more beers" etc. 
To your Girlfriend's parents.

Dance as if you are John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. 
And bump into things And break them. And not give a flying 
fuck about it.

Make yourself a delicious snack of English mustard on 
stale white bread.

Decide that the waste bin would look better on your head.

Fall asleep on the stairs, with your trousers around your ankles.

  The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider
of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to 
quarreling with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at 
some of them.
  "Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good 
thing comes out of this drinking?"
  "Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider.  
"It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."

  Uncle Noon's been doing a lot more drinking than usual lately.
  One time Aunt Mess asked him, "Noon, when you go out, what you 
  "Scotch," he said.
  "Well, I tell you what.  You sound like you're having such a 
good time when you go out, I want to go with you to see what's 
going on," Mess said. So she did, and when they went in the bar 
and Noon ordered a Scotch, Mess said, "I want one, too."
  She picked it up, tasted it and said, "That's the worst thing 
I've ever tasted in my life."
  "See that, and all this time you thought I was having fun," 
Noon said.
  Somebody at the bar asked Noon, "You ever drink enough Scotch 
to where your tongue burns?"
  "I don't know.  I ain't never been drunk enough to try to 
light it," Noon responded.

  A shit and a brain walk into a bar. The shit goes up to the
bar and says, "2 pints mate!"
  The barman shakes his head and says that he can't serve him.
  So the brain goes up to the bar and asks for 2 pints, and
again the barman won't serve him.
  The brain says to the barman, "Why won't you serve us?"
  The barman replies, "Well it's simple, your out of your head,
and your pal's steamin'!"


  This guy arrived at his house really pissed. He took the keys 
and tried his best to unlock the door.
  After about half an hour his wife open the window and shouted,
"You stupid drunk, that is the car key!"
  "Oh shit," he said. "I nearly started the house!"


0- Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1- Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2- Beer warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid complimented
   on choice of blouse. Barmen complimented on nice trousers.

3- Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are
   filled with random letters and numbers.

4- Barmaid complimented on choice of bra/Barmen complimented on his
   boxers. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps.
   Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen
   packets of crisp one by one.

5- Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar. Devise fool-proof
   scheme for winning lottery, sort out cricket/tennis/football 
   problems.  Agree people are same world over except for the 
   bloody French.

6- Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realise
   that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love
   them.  Ring girlfriend/boyfriend to tell them you love them and 
   they still have an amazing arse.

7- Send drinks over to woman/man sitting at table with boyfriend/
   girlfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five 
   beer mats and Frisbee them across the room. Boyfriend/girlfriend
   gets pissed off. You buy him a Long Island Iced Tea.

8- Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of
   people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall 
   over. Get up.

9- Head-ache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes
   back tasting same. Say "that's much better". Fight nausea by 
   trying to play poker machine for ten minutes before seeing out 
   of order sign.

10- Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all
    four barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who you offer to 
    give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on 
    corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11- Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit 
    and take stock. Realise you are sitting in pub cellar, having 
    taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.

12- Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't 
    get key in door. Realise you've given address of local football 
    club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

  A Pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending 
all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along with him.
  "What'll ya have?" he asked.
  "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
  So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his 
down in one go.
  His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and
immediately spat it out.
  "Yuck, it's bloody shit!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you 
can drink this stuff!"
  "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out 
enjoying myself every night!"

  On his first date with a beautiful woman, a guy decided to 
impress her with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward 
to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Chabernet Sauvignon from the 
Carneros District.
  Upon tasting the wine, the young man berated the steward. "No, 
no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North coast vineyards near 
Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."
  The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again the young 
man was annoyed, "No, no, this is 1985 alright, but it's from the
Mount Helena vineyards!"
  Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the 
table and said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can You tell 
me what's in this glass?"
  Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, the 
Young man sipped at the drunks glass.
  "Christ, this tastes like piss", he exclaimed and spat the 
mouthful out.
  "That's exactly right", said the drunk. "Now tell me when and
where I was born."

  A drunk is standing, pissing into a fountain in the middle of town,
so a cop comes up to him and says, "Stop that and put it away!"
  The drunk shoves his dick into his pants and does up his zip.
  As the cop turns to go, the drunk starts laughing.
  "Okay, what's so funny?" asks the cop.
  "Fooled you," says the drunk, "I put it away, but I didn't stop."

  Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers
up to them, and points to the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your 
mom's the best lay in town!"
  Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk 
wanders off and up to the bar at the far end.  Ten minutes later, 
the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just
screwed your mom and it was sw-e-et!"
  Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders 
off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom
even let me..."
  Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home,'re drunk!"

  A bartender is shutting up for the night when there is a knock 
at the back door. When he answers, a dirty, scroungy looking 
homeless guy asks him for a toothpick. Bartender is a little 
surprised, but none the less he gives him the toothpick and the 
guy goes off. A few minutes later there is a second knock. When 
he answers, there is a second homeless guy who also asks for a 
toothpick also. He gets his toothpick and off he goes. There is 
a third knock at the door, and a third homeless guy. 
  The landlord says, "Don't tell me, let me guess. You want a 
toothpick too". 
  "Actually no thanks, but can I have a straw please? 
  The landlord is kind of confused by this, but being a 
goodhearted man, gives him a straw. But before the guy takes 
off, curiosity gets the best of the barkeep, so he asks the 
guy, "Hey your friends wanted toothpicks...and you wanted a 
straw. What the hell is going on?" 
  "Oh, some drunk girl just threw up outside, but all the good 
stuff's gone already."

  McAbee arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the
terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.  An airline 
employee asked him if he was already homesick.
  "No," replied McAbee. "I've lost all me luggage!"
  "How'd that happen?"
  "The cork fell out," said the Irishman.

  A bunch of the boys from a nearby office building at Buster 
Cherry's Bar around five o'clock for a "quickie after work." 
When the clock chimed eleven, they were still hitting it hard 
and heavy.
  One fellow put down his glass and remarked, "I really ought 
to phone my wife, before she starts to worry." He picked up 
the phone, dialed his number and when she came on the line, 
said "Hi honey, What's for supper?" 
  In a voice that could be heard all over the bar, she screamed 
out a four letter word meaning human waste material.
  Without batting an eye lash, the drinker answered, "Well just
cook half of it...I am not coming home till after dinner."

  A guy with no arms went into a bar and asked for a beer.
The bartender set a foaming glass in front of him.
  The guy says, "As you can see, I have no arms. Would you 
please hold the glass up to my mouth?"
  "Sure," said the bartender, holding the glass while the 
guy sipped.
  "Now," said the guy, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to 
get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off 
my mouth."
  "Reckon so," says the bartender, and he does. 
  Armless guy says, "If you'd reach in my right pants pocket, 
you'll find the money for the beer."
  The bartender got the money.
  "You've been very kind," said the guy. "Just one more thing.
Where is the men's room?"
  The bartender thinks for a moment, then says, "At the 
filling station on the next corner, buddy!"

  A guy is distraught in a bar. Another patron asks what 
is the matter? I have no friends he says maybe you should
be more friendly and compliment someone says the other guy.
  The first fellow sees a woman at the end of the bar, 
approches her and says, "Are you Lauren Hutten?"
  She is so pleased that she offers to buy him a drink.
  This is great he thinks. He sees a guy at the other end 
of the bar, approches him and asks, "Are you Walter Cronkite?"
  The man is so flattered he too offers to get the man a
drink. After downing the drink the man thinks this is great, 
that other guy is right!! Flattery does go a long way.
  He heads for the bathroom and encounters a drunk leaning up 
against the wall and thinks well why not.
  "Are you Drew Pierson he asks?"
  "I havn"t even started!" replies the drunk

  A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street 
with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop 
pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're 
obviously drunk."
  Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure 
I'm drunk?"
  Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
  Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, 
I thought I was a cripple."

The horse and mule live 30 years,
  and know nothing of wines and beers.
The goat and sheep at 20 die,
  and never taste of scotch and rye.
The cow drinks water by the ton,
  and at 18 is mostly done.
The dog at 15 cashes in,
  without the aid of rum or gin.
The cat in milk and water soaks,
  and then in 12 short years it croaks.
The modest, sober, bone-dry hen
  lays eggs and dies at 10.
All animals are strictly dry...
  they sinless live and swiftly die.
But sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men
  survive for three score and ten.
And some of them...the mighty few...
  stay pickled til they're 92.

  It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is 
drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, 
"You owe me quite a bit on your tab."
  "Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."
  "That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your 
name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall."
  "But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."
  "They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka 
over it until it's paid."


  A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to 
the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch 
of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody 
in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." 
  The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
  One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman 
who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
  "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
  The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints 
of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the 
pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
  The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
   The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't 
mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
  The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the 
street to see if I could do it first".

  A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells 
him he owes $4.
  "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
  "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."
  The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees
that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers
have paid.
  The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls
the same stunt.
  The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your 
word for it."
  Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, 
and tells him how to get free drinks.
  The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls 
when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, 
a funny thing happened in here tonight.  Two men were drinking
beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did.  The next
guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
  "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron
responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."


  Just after he got married, This guy was invited out for a
night with 'the boys'. He told his misses that he would be
home by midnight......promise!  Well the yarns were being
spun and the booze was going down easy and at around
3:00a.m., full as a boot, he went home.
  Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock started and
cuckooed three times.  Quickly he realised she'd probably
wake up, so he cuckooed another nine times. He was really
proud of himself, having the quick wittedness - even when 
pissed to escape a possible conflict.
  Next morning the misses asked him what time he got in
and he told her 12 o'clock.  Whew!  Got away with that
one! She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.
  When he asked her why, she said: "Well it cuckooed three
times, said 'fuck it', cuckooed another four times, farted,
cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed
twice and then giggled...I think it's stuffed, don't you?"

  A man rushes into a saloon and starts knocking back shots 
of Jack Daniesl's as fast as the bartender can pour them.
  "Trying to drown your sorrows?" the bartender asks.
  "Yes I am." the man admits.
  "Take my advice, buddy, it doesn't work." the bartender 
tells him. 
  "You are telling me?" the man replies. "I can't get that 
damn kid to go anywhere near the water."

  A guy walks into a bar, its almost empty except for one lady 
down at the end, the bartender asks him what he wants, he says 
"a beer - and give the douche bag down at the end of the bar a 
  Well, the bartender is indignant, and tells the guy that this 
is not that kind of bar, and to be civil.  And the customer, 
shrugs, and says again, "Give me a beer and the douche bag at 
the end of the bar a drink."
  Well, the bartender stifles his anger, and goes down to the 
end of the bar and tells the lady, "This JERK down there wants 
to buy you a drink, what'll you have?"
  She says "Vinegar and water please."

  The next time some goody two-shoes starts lecturing you
on the evils of alcohol, point out to them that water has
killed far more people than drink ever will.
  If they demand proof, tell them to read the story of Noah
in the Bible.

  A very drunk man went into a bar and ordered a drink. 
The bartender served him and asked if he would like to 
try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win 
a prize; only a dollar for three darts.
  The drunk agreed and threw the first dart.  A bullseye!!  
He downed another drink, took aim on wobbly feet, let go... 
Another bullseye!! Two more quick drinks went down.  Barely 
able to stand, he let go with the last dart.  A third bullseye!
  All are astounded.  No one had ever won.  The bartender 
searches for a prize. He grabbed a turtle from the bar's 
terrarium and presented it to the drunk as his prize.
  Three weeks passed. The drunk returned and ordered more 
drinks, then announced he would like to try the dart game 
again.  To the total amazement and wonderment of all the 
local drunks, he scored three more bullseyes and demanded 
his prize.
  The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit 
short of memory, doesn't recall what prize he had given.  
He asked the drunk, "Say, what did you win the last time?"
  And the drunk replied, "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!"



He put his hand around my neck,
So that I could not scream.
He brought me up to his room,
So we would not be seen.
He took off all my wrappings,
And gazed upon my form.
As I stood cold and shivering,
He stood there hot and warm.
He touched me with his feverish lips,
And placed me on my rear.
He made me what I am today,
An empty bottle of beer.

  A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialed at random.
  "salvation Army" came the answer.
  "What do you do?"asked the man.
  "We save wicked men and women," came the reply.
  "Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night."

  A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two
shots. One for me and one for my best buddy."
  Bartender says, "You want them both now or do you want me 
to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
  The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best 
buddy in my pocket here." He then pulls a little 3 inch man 
out of his pocket.
  The bartender asks, "You mean to say, he can drink that much?" 
  "Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some," the man retorted.
    So, the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the
little guy drinks it all up.
  "That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do?  
Can he walk?"
  The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, 
"Hey, Rodney, go fetch that quarter."
  The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the 
quarter and runs back down and gives it to the man.
   The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing!" he says. 
"What else can he do? Does he talk?"
  The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in 
his eye and says, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him 
about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting 
and you called that native Witch doctor an asshole!"


  Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail
a woman's personality based on what she drinks.
  Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all 
counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky 
             tastes; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her, if she is interested,
               she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings
               with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated,
             actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should
               be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
             totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed
               this evening. Nothing to do but wait.  However, 
               be careful not to make her mad!

  Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always,
very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated
      image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid. 

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.

  A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. 
He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the
bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the 
surprise, the man began weeping.
  "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that 
to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have
a compulsion like this."
  Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before 
long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his 
  "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender 
said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and 
they say he's as good as they get."
  The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, 
and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for 
a fellow human being.
  Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" 
the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
  "I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst
twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder
into the bartender's face.
  The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor 
doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered.
  "On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."
  "But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.
  "Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."


  This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip 
is between Limerick and Cork.
  "About two hours," says the conductor.
  "OK," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork and
  The irate driver says to the drunk "It's still about two hours. 
Why'd you think there'd be a difference?"
  "Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and 
New Year, but it's a hell of a long time between New Year and 


(We won't be here long enough to get another round.) 

(Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, 
but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.) 

(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way 
to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

(I'm easy.) 

(I'm gay.) 

(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an 
expert at diverting attention.) 

(Get the hell out of the way.) 

(I am going to grope you now.) 

(Don't even think about groping me, 
just get the hell out of the way.) 

(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? 
You are not all that pretty, missy, and don't think for 
one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like 
a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you,
bitch, like the slut you are.) 

(I'm really gay.) 

(I'm really easy.) 

(Did I sleep with him/her?) 

(I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

(You stuck up little twit, too good for your old friends??)

(I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley
guy's helmet.)

(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

(I'm horny.)

(What's cheap?)

(I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.)

"I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (female)
(I'm 17.)

"I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (male)
(I am actually 45, but the 22 year old girl I brought 
thinks I am 30)


Foolproof Female Standards Formula

  Here it is, the greatest formula ever. It essentially 
determines to what extent your bird standards will fall 
while intoxicated in a social environment.

U = S - L

Where :  L = {(P x a) Ts} / (Tr x Wi)

U = Ugly bird factor
S = Sober attraction factor (see text below)
L = Downward shift of Standards (to be subtracted from S)
P = Pints consumed
a = Strength of lager (see conversion table)
Ts = Time since last shag (months)
Tr = Time remaining at establishment(hours)
Wi = Number of witnesses present

Conversion table for (a)

Bud Light = .5
Fosters/Heineken = 1
Castle/Amstel/Lion= 1.5
Black Label = 2.0

  Before you do anything you have to be brutally honest and 
decide a figure (S) on a scale of 1 to 15 (budgieometer) as 
to what your average budgie pull is likely to look like 
while you are sober (1 being a Poodle through to 15 being 
Claudia Schiffer).
  The result of the formula (L) is the figure you MINUS from 
your sober score(S) in order to obtain (U). The value (U) is 
then checked on the corresponding budgieometer. Hey presto, 
you have a value for your bird's ugliness. Although this 
formula is purely for statistical purposes one usually finds 
their mates are highly calibrated indicators.

  An Irishman walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round
for everyone, on me!" 
  The bartender says, "Well, Murphy, seems you're in a really 
good mood tonight, hm?" 
  The Irishman says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired 
by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking 
meters. I start on Monday!" 
  The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the 
  Monday evening arrives. The Irishman comes back into the bar 
and says, "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"
  The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over 
having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be 
when you get your paycheque!"
  The Irishman looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on
his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and 
says, "You mean they'll PAY me too?"

  A bloke goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders 
five pints.
  The barman gives him an odd look since the bloke's all by 
himself, but he serves up the five pints and lines them up on 
the bar.
  The bloke downs them...One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes 
the last one and calls to the barman, "Four pints, please, mate!"
  The barman serves up four pints and lines them on the bar.
  The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four. Then he belches
loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more pints. 
And one after the other, he knocks them back...One, Two, Three.
  "Two pints, mate!" he calls, and the barman places two pints in 
front of him.
  Down they go....One, Two.
  As the bloke slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One 
pint, mate."
  So the barman fills the glass.
  The bloke sits there, staring at it for for a moment, trying 
to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh 
a funny t'ing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get..."


  A man's been drinking in the bar alone for three hours 
straight, and the bartender is getting worried about him. 
He's downing whiskey sour after whiskey sour.
  Finally, after the man orders his twelfth whiskey sour, 
the bartender shakes his head and says, "Sir, I think you've 
had enough."
  The drunk looks at the bartender closely and says, "Wha..
what's that you say?"
  The bartender swallows. "I said, I think you've had enough sir."
  The drunk points a finger, "Lis - listen Jack, I been 
drrrinking for thirty-six years and I have no idea when I've had 
enough - so h-how the h-hell should you?"

  I was recently in my local pub in Scotland, and it was pretty 
quiet. There were several people sitting at the bar with me, 
and the bar-lady was reading a paper.
  She looked at me, puzzled, and said, "John, you do crosswords, 
don't you?"
  "Yes," I replied, truthfully.
  "I've got one here - 'Stranded, as on a desert island', 
10 letters, and the first is 'M'.  Any ideas?"
  "Marooned," I said.
  The other customers shouted out their orders: "A whusky," 
"a pint o' heavy", etc, etc.
  While delighted at this display of humour, I refused to 
pay for a drop.

  A researcher canvassing the neighbourhood knocked on the 
door of a retired general, and asked, "Excuse me, sir, I am 
researching alcohol use in the area. Can you tell me your 
alcohol consumption habits?"
  "Madam, I haven't had a drink since 1945."
  "My word, that demonstrates a great deal of virtue."
  "Yes, especially considering it's past 2030 hours already!"

  Two drunks on a London underground train. The train stops 
at a station.
  "Ish thish Wembley?" says one.
  "No it'sh Thurshday." says the other.
  "Sho am I.  Let'sh get off and find a pub."

  A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after 
staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, 
walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began 
fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
  He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry.
I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
  "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a
BITCH!" she screamed.
  "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

"You Know You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When..."

You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

You strike a match and light your nose.

You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"

You hear a duck quacking and it's you.

You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's
at your place.

You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're
in front of the hall mirror.

You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.

You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more 
and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

  The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and 
  alcohol bottles, such as:
  13. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may make you think 
                you are whispering when you are not.
  12. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol is a major factor 
                in dancing like an asshole.
  11. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to 
                tell the same boring story over and over 
                again until your friends want to 
                SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
  10. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to 
                thay shings like thish.
  9.  WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to 
                believe that ex-lovers are really dying 
                for you to telephone them at 4 in 
                the morning.
  8.  WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering 
                what the hell happened to your pants.
  7.  WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll 
                over in the morning and see something really 
                scary (whose species and or name you can't 
  6.  WARNING:  consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of 
                inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
  5.  WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may create the illusion 
                that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter 
                than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
  4.  WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe 
                you are invisible.
  3.  WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to think 
                people are laughing WITH you.
  2.  WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in 
                the time-space continuum, whereby small (and 
                sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to 
                "literally disappear".
  1. WARNING:   Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE 

    Top Reasons For Allowing Drinking at Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work 
   with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not 
   what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a 
   bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would 
    rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when 
    they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.

The Five Stages of Drinking 

It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave
because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another
round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to
yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours
of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".

It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes
arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level
two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking,
"Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are
the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps
fingers) I'm cool.".

One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent
20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our
waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three,
you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the
stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get
drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we
could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.")
But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's
buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get
three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm

Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you
ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time
on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the
bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our
busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends
decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an
...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to
yourself, " long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep
anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for
me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith
Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides,
as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow

Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back
at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"),
you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys
who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of
place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in
Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At
this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like
something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes
over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!"
One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO
FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you
hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that
were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see
people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they
know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you
stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but
if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say
the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?)
as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this
time, I mean it!"

  A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. 
He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely 
drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so 
he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way
up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
  That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had A couple of empty
pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass
carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't 
know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he 
noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure 
enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired 
the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
  The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and 
he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, 
when his wife came into the bedroom.
  "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
  "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
  "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered
last night. Where the heck did you go?"
  "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
  "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning
and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

The Drinker's Alphabet

A is for Alcohol
   :The key to surviving college

B is for Beer
   :The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging

C is for Class
   :What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday 
    night party

D is for Dancing
   :A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks 

E is for Emergency
   :The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your 
    drinking party

F is for Fucked-Up
   :Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out

G is for Games
   :Anything that involves cards, dice and chugging beers

H is for Hang-over
   :Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank

I is for Idiot
   :The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at 
    the party

J is for Jail
   :Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or 
    stagger home

K is for Kissing
   :What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers

L is for Lord
   :Person you beg to get you out of every situation 
    involving alcohol

M is for Money
   :That which you no longer have due to too much partying

N is for Not Again!
   :What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know

P is for Pee
   :What you have to do every five minutes while you're 
    drinking beer

Q is for Quilt
   :What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in 
    the morning

R is for Reform
   :What you promise god you will do while you're puking in 
    the toilet

S is for Sex
   :What you did with that person you met last night while 
    you were drunk

T is for Ten
   :The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk

U is for Underage
   :Most of the drinking population in college town

V is for Vodka
   :The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk 
    in an hour

W is for Worm
   :The part of Tequila that reminds you of Biology class 

X is for X-Ray
   :How they can see into your stomach before they pump it

Y is for Yourself
   :The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end

Z is for Zoned
   :How you will be for the next 12 hours following drinking

  A guy is sitting in a bar drunk, he asks the bartender where 
the bathroom is.  The barkeep tells him to go down the hall to 
the right. All of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud 
scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes 
go by and again everybody at the bar hears another loud scream 
from the bathroom.  This time the bartender goes into the bathroom 
to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He went in the 
bathroom and asked the drunk, "What's all the screaming about?  
You're scaring all my customers away!"
  The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go 
to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my 
  With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and 
screams, "You idiot!  You're sitting on my damn mop bucket!"

  I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted 
I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else... After 
careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with 
the unpleasant task.
  I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents 
down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. Then, 
I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, 
with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the 
cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which 
I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and 
poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle 
from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the 
rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and 
poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the 
glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything 
emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, 
corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, 
and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had 
all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
  I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. 
I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't 
know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. 
I'm not drunk you shilly sit! ...

  A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and 
notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender 
tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could 
drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good samaritan, the man agrees. 
The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.
  The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy 
is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet 
and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap. 
  "Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. 
He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the 
car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he
looks for his keys.  Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man
finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car. 
He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the
passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the 
ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and 
practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy 
to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to 
his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.   
  "Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink 
tonight so I gave him a ride home."
  "That was nice of you," she says, looking around, "But where's 
his wheelchair?"


 You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

 You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

 Job interfering with your drinking.
 Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

 The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

 Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

 Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

 You can focus better with one eye closed.

 The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

 You fall off the floor...

 Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

 Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

 Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

 At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

 You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, 
 you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

 The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

 You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, 
 Alcohol and Beer Nuts.

 Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more 
 and more attractive.

 Roseanne looks good.

 Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

 That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

 I'm as jober as a sudge.

 The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

 You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

 Career doesn't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. 

 Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk 
 past you. 

 You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember 
 is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waukiki. 

 Every woman you see has an exact twin. 

 Beer, Beer, Beer... is all you can say after the 12th one. 

 If you keep asking your wife, "Where are the kids?", but you don't
 really have a wife. She's actually your couch. 

 You fall off the floor. 

 You discover in the morning that your liquid cleaning supplies have
 mysteriously disappeared. 

 You had your "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, and replaced it with
 "Red Dog." 

 The glass keeps missing your mouth. 

 Bill Clinton starts to make sense. 

 When you go to donate blood they ask what proof it is. 

 You believe your only drinking problem is not having a drink right now. 

 Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer. 

 Having a hard time staying on the side walk because you walk in the
 pattern: Left, right stumble fall. 

 When you tell people, "I'm not under the affluence of incohol." 

 You wake up with a traffic cone between your legs. 

 When you tell people, "I'm not drunk... You're just sober." 

 Even rednecks stops doing jokes about your drinking. 

 You find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez. 

 When the bar owner actually carved your name onto your own barstool. 

  There was this guy that went to this bar and bought a drink, 
drank half and poured half down his arm and over his hand. Then 
he ordered several more drinks doing the same thing.  Finally 
after about ten drinks the bartender started to talk to him and 
the guy said that his wife left him and his girl friend left him 
and life was really bad.  Then the bartender then ask him why he 
was pouring half of each drink down his arm and over his hand?
  The guy said thats easy I'm trying to get my date drunk.

  A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini.  Before drinking 
it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then 
he ordered another martini and did the same thing.  After an hour, 
when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he 
staggered out.
  "Well," said a customer. "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"
  "What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent 
him out for a jar of olives."

Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell you are I think,
I'm not under what they call,
The alcofluence of incohol.

I'm not drunk as thinkle peep,
I'm just a little slort of sheep,
Tee martoonies make a guy,
Fool so feelish, don't know why.

Rally don't know who's me yet,
The drunker I stay the longer I get,
So just one more to full my cup,
I've all day sober to Sunday up.

---Sold Cober. 

A Few Drinking Quotes...

Alcohol;  the cause of and solution to all of life's problems"
---Homer Simpson

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
        --Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying 
himself a pleasure.  --Ambrose Bierce

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
        --Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life,
so get wasted all of the time and have the time of 
your life.

One more drink and I'd be under the host.
        --Dorothy Parker

My problem with most athletic challenges is training. I'm 
lazy and find that workouts cut into my drinking time.

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks 
behind.   --Humphrey Bogart

A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
        --Edward Abbey

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, 
they're sober.  --William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time 
with his fools.  --For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk.  That will teach 
you to keep your mouth shut.  --Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
       --Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as 
good as drink.  --G.K. Chesterton

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
       --Catherine Zandonella

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to 
thank her. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to 
my lunch? --W.C. Fields

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
       --Oscar Wilde

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
       --Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and
an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football
team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least
you need a beer. --Frank Zappa 

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol
than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.--His reply 

Sir, you're drunk!  --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill;
Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober
and you will still be ugly. --His reply 

I drink to make other people interesting. --George
Jean Nathan 

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal 
lobotomy. --Tom Waits

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to 
feel all day. - Frank Sinatra

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.

  A brain goes into a pub and orders a pint.
  "Sorry" says the barman "but you're already out of your head."

A sandwich goes into a bar and orders a pint. "Sorry" says the 
barman "but we don't serve food here."

  Two drunks were well into their cups at their favorite watering 
hole when one spotted movement on the bar top.
  "Whazz that?" he asked, "A bug?"
  "Iz a ladybug," his drinking pal replied. 
  "Dang," the first gushed, "you sure have good eyesight!"

  A drunk was too blasted to unzip his pants but he had to take 
a leak, so he asked a friend to help him.  The friend, decided
to play a practical joke by placing a banana in his hand and 
shoving him in front of the urinal. The drunk feeling something
in his hand began to piss and felt the wet sensation pouring 
down his leg, he was so surprised he lifted up his hands and 
saw the banana. He panicked and ran out to the bar yelling:
"Help me!! Call an ambulance!!! I've ripped my dick off and 
I'm bleeding to death!!"

  Guy walks into a bar, goes over to the bartender, and says "I'll
bet you $20 I can bite my eye."  Bartender agrees, and they put down 
the money.  The guy pulls out a glass eye, bites it, and picks up the 
  Then, he says "O.K., I know that was cheap, and I don't want you 
spitting in my drinks all night, so I'll bet you $50 that I can bite 
my other eye"
  Bartender looks at him, is reasonably confident that the guy isn't 
blind, so he agrees and puts down his money.  The guy calmly takes out 
a set of false teeth, reaches up and bites his real eye, and picks up 
the money.
  Then he goes over to his friends, they're talking for a while, and 
then they just start laughing uncontrollably.
  Guy comes over to the bartender and says, "O.K., no joke this time.  
I'll bet you $100 that I can stand at one end of your 30 foot bar, and 
you place a shot glass at the other end, and I'll pee from 30 feet away 
so that I fill the shot glass perfectly to the top and I don't spill a 
drop anywhere."
   Bartender thinks about it, decides there is no way that anyone could 
do that no matter the prostheses he may have, and agrees.  Guy stands 
up on the bar, whips it out, and pees EVERYWHERE - on the bar, on the 
bartender, on all the glasses, just everywhere, and the bartender starts 
  Bartender picks up the (wet) money and says "Why did you bet when you 
knew you couldn't do it".
  Guy says, "Well, I just bet my friends over in the corner $10,000 that 
I could pee all over you and your bar and you would laugh about it!"

  A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant,
sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender
serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron.
The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds.
  The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem."
  "If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too."
  Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?"
  "Fifty cents," the man answers.

A productive drunk is the bane of moralists.

  It was the night of the gala political fund raiser, and the doorman 
had called in sick an hour before the event. In a panic, the producer 
ran outside and looked up and down the block searching for a possible
substitute. Nobody.  He ran up the block, and as he passed the alley, 
he glimpsed a bum laying by the dumpster, clutching a bottle of Muscatel 
in a brown paper bag. The producer ran to the bum, dragged him to his 
feet and said, "I'll pay you a 100 bucks for an hour's easy work. What 
do you say?"
  "I'm your man," slurred the mendicant through an alcoholic haze.
  The producer dragged the man back to the auditorium, threw him in the
shower, had him shaved and his hair combed, dressed him in a tuxedo and
pulled him to the front door for quick instructions.
  "Now look," he said. "Your job is very easy. When people get out of 
their limousines, all you have to do is open the door and direct them 
toward the ushers inside. Got that?"
  "Yeas, sure, sure," said the bum. "Got it," and when the producer 
left he pulled the bottle of wine from his inside pocket for a few more 
hits before people arrived. By the time the first guests showed up, the 
bum was completely shit faced.
  He opened the door for the first couple, pointed to the left and said, 
"You two, sit your asses down over there!"  and the people hurried 
inside. When next a party of four drove up, the same thing. The bum 
opened the door,
pointed to right and repeated, "You guys, you sit your asses down over 
  The bum continued on in this crude manor for a couple dozen guests 
when up pulled a long black limo and Jacqueline Kennedy got out, 
unescorted. The inebriated doorman pulled open the door, jammed his 
thumb to the left and said through his alcoholic euphoria, "You, sit 
your ass down over there."
  Undaunted, Jackie looked the bum squarely in the eye and indignantly
replied "Young man, it might interest you to know that I have a
mezzanine box!" 
  To which the bum replied, "Lady, I don't care if you got aluminum 
tits. You sit your ass down over there!"

  Passing an office building late one night, a drunk saw a sign 
that said, "Press bell for night watchman."  He did so, and after 
several minutes he heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.  
The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, 
shut down the alarm system, and finally make his way through the 
revolving door.
  "Well," he snarled at the man, "what do you want?"
  "I just wanted to know why you can't ring it yourself."

  The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming,
as the clock ticked later and later.  Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard
a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, 
there was her  husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
  'Do you realize what time it is," she said.
  He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something 
for the house."
  Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to 
meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
  His answer was, "A round of drinks!"

  A guy laying all bandaged up, in a hospital bed; "What happened?"
  "You were really drunk last night.  You bet you could jump off the 
building and fly."  
  "Why didn't you stop me?" "Stop you, why the hell would I do that, 
I had $100 on you."

  A drunk man boards a bus.  A Bible thumper tells him, "You're 
going straight to hell."
  The drunk struggles to get up and says, "My God, I'm on the 
wrong bus."

Virtually all alcoholics started with milk.  What more proof do you 
need? 100 proof?

  A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets 
ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg 
adrift in a roiling sea.  He loop-legs it through the door and 
is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring he's been out 
jumping new bones.
  "Where the hell you been all night?" she demands.
  "At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon.
Everything there is golden."
  "Bullshit! There's no such place!"
  Guy says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden
floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!"
  The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the ext day checks 
the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. 
She calls up the place to check her old man's story.
  "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers 
the phone.
  "Yes it is," bartender answers.
  "Do you have huge golden doors?"
  "Sure do."
  "Do you have golden floors?"
  "Most certainly do."
  "What about golden urinals?"
  There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your
tuba last night!" 

  A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping
into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the 
bar and stops the guy.
  "What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk.
  "I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies.
  "So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager.
  "Well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and 
a siren on the roof!". 

  Two different groups of people, ministers and salesmen, were 
holding conventions in the same hotel.  The hotel's catering 
department had to work at top speed, serving dinners to both 
  The chief chef notified the waiter to return the watermelon to
the kitchen as it was being served to the wrong group.
  The waiter reported that it was too late....the ministers were
already eating the liquor-spiked dessert.
  The excited chef wanted to know if the ministers made any
comments about the dessert, especially if they like it?
   "Don't know how they liked it," replied the waiter, "but they're
putting the seeds in their pockets."

Whats the difference between a pig and a fox?
About four drinks.

  A drunk walks into a bar and stands next to a wiseass. The wiseass
walks up to a woman seated at the bar and whispers, "Tickle your ass
with a feather?" 
  The lady spins around indignantly and says, "What did you say to me?"
  "Particular' nasty weather!" answers the wiseass.
  "Oh," says the woman. The drunk thinks this is uproariously funny.
  The wiseass moves on to another lady, saying, "Tickle your ass with 
a feather?" After the lady asks him to repeat his profane inquiry, he 
answers, "Particular' nasty weather!" 
  "Well yes it is, she answers."
  The drunk can stand it no longer, and asks the wiseass if he could 
try the little joke. 
  "Be my guest" replies Mr. Smartypants.
  So the drunk walks up to a young woman and says: "Stick a feather 
up your ass??!!"
  "WHAT??" the woman shouts.
  "It's raining like shit, ain't it?"

  Man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a shot of
whiskey. Drinks the shot and pulls a peice of paper from
his breast pocket and looks at it.  He puts the peice of 
paper back into his pocket, orders another shot and
drinks. He pulls out the picture again, looks at it then 
puts it back into his pocket.
  He repeats this process several more times when finally 
the bartender, who can stand his curiosity no longer, asks 
the man, "Hey, buddy, what'cha got on that peice of paper?"
  "Oh", says the man, "its a picture of my wife, when she 
starts to look good, I'm going home.

  A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.  The 
bartender asks, "So what makes you so thirsty?" 
  The man replies, "Oh you see, me two brothers are back 
in me homeland of Ireland, and I just like to have a drink 
for each of them and meself to remember them by."
  "That's really nice," replies the bartender.  After enjoying 
the three beer, the man gets up and leaves. A week later the 
same bloke sits down at the bar.  He gets the bartender's 
  "Two beers here, please."  The bartender looks at the fellow, 
and then pulls two draughts and sets them down.
  After a minute he asks the customer,  "If you don't mind my 
asking, why only two beers this week?"  
  The customer responds,  "Oh, me stupid brother Billy got 
killed in the struggle for our homeland.  So now it's only 
Scotty and me."  
  "That's awful!" says the bartender. "Those beers are on 
the house."  The customer finishes his two beers and 
  The next week the patron returns.  "One beer please."
  "Oh no" the bartender exclaims, "Don't tell me Scotty was 
killed as well!"  
  The patron replies,"No, It's just that I quit drinking."

  I know this guy who goes to alcoholics anonymous. one day, 
during a session, the teacher says "in a bottle of tequila,
notice that their is a worm at the bottom. Also notice that 
it is dead. Now what does this tell you?  
The guy replies, "uh, if I drink tequilla I won't get worms?"

  A drunk walks into a bar and orders a round of drinks for 
the house, and one for the bartender as well.  After the 
drinks are poured and everyone has drank, the bartender 
asks for payment.  
  The drunk says "I don't have a dime".
  The bartender reaches over, grabs the drunk, slaps him around
and throws him out of the bar. The next day the drunk shows up
again and repeats the request.  The bartender thinks he won't 
do this to me again and pours everyone, including himself a 
drink.  After the bartender finishes his drink he again asks 
for payment, to which the bum again says he has no money. 
Bartender jumps over the bar, kicks and beats the bum and 
throws him out of the bar.
  Third day the drunk again shows up and orders a round for the 
house. The bartender just laughs and asks "What, you're not 
going to order one for me this time?".  
  The drunk answers "Oh no, not you.  You get violent when you 

  A drunk at the bar felt a wet sensation in his crotch. He 
asked the guy on his left, "Did you just spill beer on me?"
  "No." the guy replied.
  He asked the guy on his right, "did you just spill beer on 
  "no." the other guy said.
  "Oh.. just as i thought," said the drunk, "it's an inside job!"

  A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in 
and out of the lanes.  He goes up to the guy's window and says 
  "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
  The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that.  I am an asthmatic.
If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack." 
  "Okay, fine.  I need you to come down to the station to give a 
blood sample."
  I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac.  If I do that, I'll 
bleed to death."
  "Well, then we need a urine sample."
  "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either.  I am also a diabetic.  
If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
  "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
  "I can't do that, officer."
  "Why not?"
  "Because I'm drunk."

Alcoholics' Anthem

What's the use of drinking tea
Indulging in sobriety
And tee-total per-ver-sity
It's healthier to booze.
What's the use of milk and water,
These are drinks that never oughter
Be allowed in any quarter;
Come on, lose your blues.

Mix yourself a Shandy!
Drown yourself in Brandy!
Sherry sweet,
Or Whisky neat,
Or any kind of liquor that is handy.
There's no blinking sense in drinking
Anything that doesn't make you stinking!
There's no happiness like sinking
Blotto to the Floor!

Put an end to all Frustration,
Drinking may be your Salvation,
End it all in dissipation
Rotten to the core!
Aberrations metabolic,
Ceilings that are hyberbolic,
These are for the Alcoholic
Lying on the Floor!

Vodka for the Arty,
Gin to make you Hearty,
Lemonade was only made
For drinking if your mother's at the Party.
Steer clear of home-made beer,
And anything that isn't labelled clear,
There is nothing else to fear
Bottoms up - My Boys.


 Dear Maurizio,

 Perhaps you have heard of me and my nationwide campaign in the cause
 of temperance. Each year, for the past fourteen, I have made a tour
 of Scotland and the North of England,  and have delivered a series of
 lectures on the evils of drinking. On this tour I have been
 accompanied by a young friend and assistant, David Powell.
 David, a young man of good family and excellent background, is a
 pathetic example of a life ruined by excessive indulgence in alcohol
 and women.

 David would appear with me at the lectures and sit on the platform,
 wheezing and staring at the audience through bleary, bloodshot eyes,
 sweating profusely, picking his nose, passing wind and making obscene
 gestures, while I would point him out as an example of what
 debauchery would do to a person.

 Last summer, unfortunately David died. A mutual friend has given me
 your name and I have taken the liberty of observing you for a few
 weeks. In my opinion, you are a natural, and a perfect
 replacement for David, and therefore I wonder if you would care
 to take David's place on my next tour.

 Yours in the faith,

 Rev. Harold Knight
 The Rescue Mission

  George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife 
told him that he wasn't leaving the house. The last time you went 
out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your 
  "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all 
night", George swore.
  So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK 
the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.
George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get 
shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew 
chow all over his shirt.
  "Shit!" cried George. " The old lady is going to throw my ass 
out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt." 
  Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to 
keep from getting in trouble with the wife. "All you got to do is 
have a $20 bill in your had when you walk through the door. Then, 
when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her 
that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks 
to get the shirt cleaned." 
  So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in 
hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room. " I knew 
that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new 
  "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me 
and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."
  His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he 
was holding two $20 bills.
  "Is that so?" asked his wife "Then where did the other 20 dollar 
bill come from?"
  "Oh" replied George "That is from the guy who shit in my pants."

  A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.  
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the 
body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm 
against it.  But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the 
shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed 
funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, 
then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."

  A drunk staggers into a confessional, starts grunting.
  The priest asks, "Can I help you, my son?"
  "Got any paper on your side, Father?"

               One drink is OK
       Two drinks are the most
  Three, she's under the table
 Four and she's under the host

  A drunk fell into an open grave in the middle of winter and 
was calling out, "Help.  I'm freezing!"
  Another drunk wandered by and called down, "No
kicked all your dirt off."

  Two drunks were walking along a railroad track.  One says, 
"All these stairs are killing me."
  The other says, "It's not the stairs that kill me, it's 
these low railings."

  A drunk staggering in the street was struck by a passing 
car.  The driver slammed on the brakes, jumped out and looking 
back at the drunk shouted, "Look out!"
  The drunk raised his head and asked, "Why?  You gonna back up?"

Whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
One less Drunk

  An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late 
he figured to cut through the cemetery.. 
   As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave.. Try as 
he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back 
into the hole..  Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let 
the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep..
   A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same 
shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site.. As he scrambled at 
the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up..
  "Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said..
  He got out..

  One New Year's Eve Judy stood up at our local pub and said
that it was time to get ready.  At the stroke of midnight, she 
wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who 
made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing.  
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

  Bloke goes into pub..
  "Quick a pint of beer before the trouble starts...."
 Barman looks around sleepy bar but pulls a pint and gives
 it to bloke.
   "Quick another pint of beer before the trouble starts...."
   Barman looks at bloke oddly but pulls pint and gives it to
   "Quick another pint of beer before the trouble starts...."
   Barman pulls pint with frown on face but hands it over
   "Quick another pint of beer before the trouble starts...."
   Barman replies "What trouble is this then?"
   "I haven't got any money"

  A young man is walking down the street on his way to a pub.  As he
approaches the door, a nun yells out "DON'T ENTER THAT HOUSE OF EVIL! 
Don't you harm that temple for your soul that God has provided!"
  The man replies "All I'm going to do is have a few drinks -- what 
can be the harm in that?"
  The nun says "All drinking is bad."
  The man then asks, "Have you ever had a drink to relax?"
  The nun admits she has not.
  The man says "I'll tell you what, I'll get you a drink.  If you
still think it's evil you can continue to preach; if not you can 
go away and leave everyone alone."
  The nun says  "OK, but could you please put it in a coffee cup so 
nobody will know?"
  The man agrees and enters the bar.
  The bartender goes up to the man and says "What'll you have?"  
  The man says "Give me a beer and a Scotch in a coffee cup."
  The bartender's face goes red and he screams  "IS THAT DAMN NUN OUT 


Stage #1 -- Smart
  This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know
all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen.
At this stage you are also always right.  And of course the person you are
talking with is very wrong.  You will talk for hours trying to convince
someone that you are right.  This makes for an interesting argument when
both parties are "smart".  Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a
subject neither one really knows anything about, but are convinced that
they are they complete authority on the subject makes for great
entertainment for those get the opportunity to listen in.

Stage #2 -- Handsome/Pretty
  This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in
the entire room and everyone is looking at you.  You begin to wink at
perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been 
admiring you the whole evening.  You are the center of attention,and all
eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the
face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can
talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects
under the sun.

Stage #3 -- Rich
  This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.You can
buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely
have an armored truck full of your money parked behind bar.You can also
make bets in this stage.  Now of course you still know all, so you will
always win all your bets.  And you have no concern for how much money you 
bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to 
buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you because you
are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the face of the 

Stage #4 -- Bulletproof
  You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with
because you cannot be hurt by anything.  At this point you would go up
to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all
evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money.  You have no worry
about losing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the money
to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might erupt if he

Stage #5  -- Invisible
  This is the final stage of drunkenness.  At this point you can do 
absolutely anything because no one can see you.  You can get up and dance 
on a table, to impress the people who have been admiring you all evening, 
because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also 
invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the
evening.  You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your 
lungs (because of course you are still smart and know the tune perfectly)
and no one will think anything of it because they can't see you.  All your
social inhibitions are gone.  You can do anything, because no one will 
know.  And you certainly won't remember.

  One day at the end of class Little Johnny's  teacher asks the class 
go home and think of a story, to be concluded with the moral of that story.
  The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to 
tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm 
and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into 
town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump 
and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
  When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, 
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
  Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we 
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend 
only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."
  Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
  Lucy replied, "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."
  Next up was Little  Kohnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam 
war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out 
before it crashed, but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun 
and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Then he 
landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 
with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled 
out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete 
broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
  The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, 
she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
  "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't screw with uncle Ted when he's 
been drinking."

  Mahoney was lying on his death bed and called for his best friend, 
   When he arrived, Mahoney wishpered to him, "I have only one wish 
for when I am gone.  In the back of me closet there is one bottle of 
fine Irish whiskey I brought from the old country.  After I am put in 
the ground whould ye mind pouring that whiskey over me grave?"
  O'Toole answered, "Oh be sure, and I'd be glad to...but would ye 
mind if I strained through me kidneys first?

  A Brit, a Mick and a Scot go in a saloon and order a beer. They 
each find a fly floating on the top of their mugs.
 The Brit says, "Bartender, may I have a spoon, please?" He quietly
scoops the fly from his brew.
 The Mick makes a big production of it, saying, "Out with you, you
foul creature!" He flicks the fly and half the suds out onto the bar.
 The Scot picks up the fly with his fingers and says, "All right ya
wee fucker. Spit it out! Now!"

  A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks 
if he could buy him a drink. 
  "Why of course," comes the reply. 
  The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
  "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. 
  The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! 
Let's have another round to Ireland." 
  "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man 
then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" 
  "Dublin," comes the reply. 
  "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin 
too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." 
  "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes 
and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" 
  "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
  "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint 
Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" 
  About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at 
the bar.
  "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
  "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are 
drunk again."

How many captains does it take to pioneer an Exxon oil tanker?
One and a fifth!

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